


La Vie En Rose

by AnotherGallavichLove



Series: La Vie [1]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Blow Jobs, Bottom!Ian, Christmas, Coming Untouched, Crying, Daddy!Mickey, Domestic!Gallavich, Drugs, F/F, F/M, Family Reunions, Fisting, Flashbacks, Fluff, Future Fic, Getting Back Together, Gift Giving, Hot Tub Sex, Jealous!Mickey, Loss of a limb - Freeform, M/M, Making Love, Marking, Masturbation, PDA, Phone Calls, Phone Sex, Pining, Riding, Rimming, Shooting, Shower Sex, Slow Burn, Smut, Texting, breaking up, face riding, post 5x12, proposal, self abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-30
Updated: 2016-04-22
Packaged: 2018-04-28 23:13:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 50
Words: 270,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5109071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherGallavichLove/pseuds/AnotherGallavichLove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Twenty years. Two decades. Two hundred and forty months. One thousand and forty two weeks. Seven thousand, two hundred and sixty two days. That’s how long it’s been since Ian stood on that porch, telling Mickey that he didn’t want him anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Twenty Years Later

Mickey fought to keep his eyes open as he had his hands on the black wheel, making his way home.

 

This had been his life for a long time now. He would get up, go to work, go home and make dinner. And he was always tired. He couldn’t say he minded, though. Because that was just it. It had been his life for a long time, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

Soon, though, he forced himself to park the car about twenty minutes from the house in front of a coffee shop. He’d rather be late home than dead because he wasn’t paying attention to the road.

 

Mickey sighed and ran a hand over his face before getting out of the XC60, making his way into the small coffee place where he usually got his morning cup.

 

He fought not to roll his eyes as he saw the long line, but he went to stand in the back anyway, hoping it wouldn’t take too long. The two first people took forever to decide what kind of coffee they wanted, but thankfully, the other five were quick about it, so it was Mickey’s turn within fifteen minutes.

 

”Large ice coffee” He ordered, knowing full well that he wouldn’t be able to handle drinking hot coffee in the Florida heat.

 

”It’s gonna be just a moment, please step to the side, what’s your name?” The young girl asked, and Mickey felt another eye roll coming on.

 

”Mickey” He answered, and did as he was told, fishing his phone out of his pocket to check for messages.

 

 **Mandy:** _Can you come straight to our house after work?_

 

Mickey thumbed his bottom lip as he contemplated.

 

Mandy’s house was right next door to his, but he just didn’t know if he would have the time. He needed to figure out what to make for dinner - even though he still hated cooking. He needed to answer a couple of emails to make sure that they would be able to close this huge deal that they were working on at the firm right now.

 

On top of that, there was a ton of other small stuff he needed to get done and he knew from experience that if he went over to Mandy’s, there was something she needed to talk to him about and he wouldn’t be able to get out of there until well after eleven.

 

 **Mickey:** _Got stuff to do._

 

He settled on, and pushed the phone back into his pocket.

 

”Coffee for Ian” The barista called out.

 

Maybe it was because of the novelty of the name. Or maybe it was just a reflex whenever somebody said something, anything loudly. Either way, Mickey lifted his head and looked up, right in time to see someone accept the coffee they were handed.

 

Someone he hadn’t seen in a long time.

 

Someone he hadn’t thought he would ever lay eyes on again in his life.

 

Ian.

 

Mickey could have sworn time stopped. Froze completely.

 

His side was turned to Mickey, so he hadn’t spotted him yet. Mickey’s lips were slightly parted in shock, his eyes fixed on the man he had once been convinced was the love of his life. He was taller than Mickey remembered, but he carried himself more confidently than he had in the past few months of their relationship.

 

He had always looked manly, strong. But now he looked even more so, understandably after all this time. From what Mickey could see he had a little bit of red stubble on his chin, his thin navy hoodie tightly hugging his well defined arms.

 

Ian’s cheekbones were even more perfect than Mickey remembered, and his red hair was a little bit longer than the last time he saw him, but just barely.

 

Ian gave the barista a small smile, and he turned around, walking out of the coffee shop.

 

If he had just walked a little bit faster, or if the barista had called out Mickey’s name just ten seconds later, well then maybe that would have been it. Maybe Mickey would have just remembered that moment as the time he saw his ex boyfriend in a random coffee shop.

 

But as it turns out, fate has a sense of humor.

 

”Ice coffee for Mickey” Ian stopped right by the door, and turned around.

 

Most likely for the same reasons that had had Mickey looking up at his name. Mickey hadn’t been quick enough to look away, and before he could react, green eyes were glued to blue.

 

Ian looked to be just as shocked as Mickey had been, mouth slightly open, eyebrows a little bit raised.

 

Mickey snapped out of it as quickly as he could manage, though, and went up to the girl, accepting the coffee and paying for it before stepping to the side again.

 

”Mickey?”

 

”Fuck” Mickey cursed, not aware that during the time it had taken him to get his coffee, Ian had walked up to the counter, and was now standing just a couple of feet away from his ex boyfriend. ”Hey” He got out. ”Long time”

 

Mickey took a sip of his coffee to try to distract himself for a few seconds. It didn’t work. His eyes were still glued to Ian’s as he tried to figure out how to act. It had been twenty fucking years, so of course he had let the whole break up go by now, he had no bad blood what so ever.

 

But that didn’t mean that it wasn’t awkward seeing somebody that you used to be in a relationship with. Somebody that you wouldn't have thought you would ever see again in your entire life.

 

So of course Mickey was a little bit tense. 

 

”How have you been?” Ian asked, taking a sip of his own coffee.

 

It was such a simple question, but Mickey didn’t know what kind of answer he was looking for. The past twenty years had been a complete and utter roller coaster.

 

”Good” Mickey settled on. Simple answer for a simple question. ”What about you?”

 

He was certain that this exact conversation had happened a billion times over everywhere in the world, but he just didn’t know what the fuck else to say.

 

”Good” Ian stated, and then let out a small chuckle. ”You wanna sit down for a minute?” He asked, gesturing to the table next to them. ”Catch up?”

 

Mickey bit the inside of his lip as he contemplated, trying to weigh the pros and cons. Possible outcomes. On one hand, he kind of had to be home soon, otherwise he would be behind on all of the shit he had to do around the house.

 

On the other hand, catching up with Ian didn’t sound like such a bad idea. He hadn’t seen this man in two whole fucking decades. Mickey used to be in love with Ian. Wanting to talk, see how he was doing, that wasn’t so weird, was it? Especially not when you just happened to bump into each other.

 

”Yeah” Mickey said, trying to make a small smile happen on his face, but he wasn’t sure how successful he was with that. Ian smiled at him regardless, and they sat down by the small, round table in the corner, facing each other.

 

They look at each other for a second, Mickey struggling not to make it too obvious how ridiculously attractive he thinks Ian still is.

 

”So how did you end up in Miami?” Ian was the first one to speak, leaning back in his chair and taking another sip of his coffee.

 

Mickey shrugged, lifting his own coffee and putting the straw in his mouth. He could have sworn he saw Ian’s eyes watching his lips as he sucked.

 

”I just wanted to get out of Chicago” He answered once he had swallowed the sip of coffee. ”Found out this is where Mandy was at that point, so I ran that abusive douchebag out and we found an apartment together” Ian nodded, lifting his coffee to take another sip, eyes never leaving Mickey’s. ”What about you?” Mickey asked then.

 

”I’ve actually only lived here for a couple of weeks” Ian explained. ”Got a job offer so I figured why not”

 

”Yeah? Doing what?” Mickey asked, taking another sip of his coffee, feeling himself grow both less tired and less tense.

 

”Uh, I teach junior ROTC. They needed someone here, so I figured it would be a good change of pace” Mickey nodded.

 

”So everything’s better with…?” He trailed off, knowing that it may be a sensitive subject even after all this time.

 

Ian just smiled, though, and shrugged a little bit.

 

”Good days and bad, obviously. But yeah… I’m on meds now. I’m good”

 

”That’s great, man. I’m happy for you” Mickey said.

 

Ian grinned at him, and Mickey realized that his smile was just as beautiful as it always had been.

 

”Thanks” Ian said. ”So what about you? Still living with your sister?” He said teasingly, and Mickey chuckled, shaking his head.

 

”Nah, man. But right next door, actually. I uhm… I live with my kids” Mickey said, and took another sip of his coffee. 

 

Ian raised his eyebrows, but quickly managed to cover up his shock with another smile.

 

”That’s great. How old?”

 

”Almost eighteen” Mickey answered, and this time Ian couldn’t quite wash the surprise off of his face as easily.

 

”That’s… oh. So pretty soon after…”

 

”Yeah” Mickey confirmed.

 

”Wait, kids? More than one?” Ian took another sip of his coffee.

 

”Yeah. Twins. Brian and Briana” Ian smiled a little bit at that and nodded.

 

”Adopted or…?” Mickey shook his head.

 

”No, they’re mine. I actually uh…” Mickey trailed off for a second, not sure how or even if he should tell Ian this. Fuck it. ”I went back to fucking girls for a while there… but I figured out pretty quickly that it wasn’t gonna work, so I stopped” Mickey said, eyes on his coffee, afraid he would find judgement in the green eyes if he looked up. ”But not before…”

 

”Someone got pregnant” Ian finished, and oddly enough, there was nothing judgmental in his voice at all.

 

When Mickey looked up, he was leaning on his elbows, looking at Mickey. There was no judgement buried in his eyes either. No pity, or disgust, nothing like that. Just… understanding.

 

”Yeah” Mickey confirmed.

 

”So you’re raising them together then?” Ian asked then, nothing but pure curiosity in his voice, and Mickey shook his head.

 

”No, she died when the kids were almost six years old”

 

Ian raised his eyebrows in surprise, nodding slowly. Mickey looked into his eyes, trying to figure out what he saw in them.

 

Ian had always been able to read him like a book, at least back when they were together. Mickey hadn’t ever really been able to read Ian that well.

 

”I’m sorry?” Ian said, phrasing it more as a question since he didn’t know what kind of person she had been or how Mickey had felt about her. Mickey chuckled.

 

”It’s cool, man. Long time ago” Ian nodded.

 

”So you raised them alone since then?” He asked, and Mickey got the feeling that he was trying to figure out whether he was single or not. He threw the thought aside, though, and just answered the question.

 

”Yeah. I mean, Mandy and Lana help out a lot. I always thought that if Nina died, her mother would have taken the kids. But after she did, I found out that she had a will. She wanted me to raise them instead. I got some money. Their house in the fucking suburbs…” Ian chuckled at that, and Mickey joined him. ”So, since then… yeah, pretty much”

 

Mickey shouldn’t be this comfortable talking to somebody that he hadn’t seen in twenty years. He did, though. It felt natural.

 

”Yevgeny?”

 

”He’s up in California. Pepperdine. Doing pretty fucking good, too” Mickey answered, lifting his coffee to take another sip. Ian smiled big at that.

 

Once upon a time, he had been pretty fucking close to being Yev’s second dad. Hearing that he was doing well meant a lot.

 

”Mandy?” He asked then, suddenly eager to know how his former best friend was doing by now. Mickey let out something between a sigh and a chuckle.

 

”Shacked up with Svetlana”

 

”What?” Ian asked, a huge, surprised grin on his face. Mickey nodded.

 

”Yeah. They got together a couple years after I ran Kenyatta out of town. Been married for almost four years now, moved into the house next to ours”

 

”Fuck” Ian chuckled in surprise and Mickey nodded, lifting his coffee up to take another sip. ”Fucking suburban lesbians” Mickey snorted at that, nodding.

 

”So two weeks, huh?” Mickey asked. ”What’d you do before you packed your shit and moved down here?”

 

Ian leaned back in the chair again, swallowing another gulp of his coffee.

 

”Not much, actually. I lived at the house for another couple of years while trying to get myself back on track. I had a job packing groceries for a while”

 

”Better than shaking your ass for money, huh, Gallagher?”

 

Just like that, it felt as if they were back on the south side. Young and stupid. Ian couldn’t help but smile at Mickey.

 

”Yeah. Yeah, I don’t think that was ever really my thing”

 

”No?” Mickey asked with a grin, feeling his eighteen year old self seep through. Ian chuckled.

 

”Lived with Debbie and her boyfriend - husband, now - for a while. Then once I figured out I wanted to teach ROTC, I got my own place and started working towards that”

 

It had taken Ian a fuck of a lot longer to figure out what he wanted to do with his life, but now he knew. And considering everything he went through in his teenage years, he wasn’t ashamed that he had been in his thirties when he started figuring life out. He had time.

 

Mickey nodded at him.

 

”Job going well?”

 

”Yeah” Ian nodded. ”I’ve only been at work for about a week, but it’s going great. What do you you do now, by the way?”

 

”Marketing” Mickey answered, and Ian chuckled.

 

”Seriously? Suit and tie marketing?”

 

”I don’t wear a fucking suit, but yeah. That kind of marketing” Mickey said, smiling before wrapping his lips around the green straw again.

 

”How’d you get into that?” Mickey shrugged. He didn’t even really fucking know what had made him decide to get into it in the first place.

 

”I don’t know, man… I guess I figured if I was gonna raise two kids and keep living in that house I had to get some kind of job other than bartending”

 

Ian’s eyebrows raised.

 

”You were a bartender?” Mickey nodded.

 

”Yeah. Not for long, though. I went back to college, got a degree, all that shit” Mickey finished, looking up at Ian.

 

”I’m really proud of you, Mick” Ian said, and Mickey smiled at that.

 

Whenever Mandy or Svetlana would say something like that, Mickey would always tell them to fuck off. But for some reason, he didn’t feel the need to do that now. It actually felt kind of… nice to hear the words.

 

”Thanks” Mickey said, taking a sip of his coffee, emptying the plastic cup and standing up. ”I should probably get home” He announced, looking out the window, unable to see anything but his own reflection. ”Make the twins some dinner” Ian nodded, standing up as well and throwing his paper cup in the trash.

 

They walked out of the coffee shop, side by side. When they were on the sidewalk, in front of Mickey’s car, they stopped. Ian looked into Mickey’s eyes.

 

”It was really nice catching up, Mick” Mickey smiled at him, nodding.

 

”Yeah. I’m glad you’re doing good”

 

”You too” Ian said. ”If anybody deserves to be happy, it’s you”

 

Mickey took a deep breath, just barely controlling the sparks in his chest as he nodded.

 

”Thanks” Mickey nodded, voice not much more than a whisper in the humid night air.

 

”Can I ask you something?” Ian said then.

 

”Yeah, man. ’Course” Mickey answered, just slightly nervous about what it might be.

 

”You told me about your kids. Your sister. The twins mother. Yevgeny” Mickey raised his eyebrows, not quite sure where this was all going. ”You never said anything about a boyfriend”

 

”Neither did you” Mickey pointed out, and Ian grinned, biting his bottom lip.

 

”Had a couple relationships. Nothing serious” Mickey nodded.

 

”Couple of fuck buddies here and there. No boyfriend” Mickey said, and it was the truth.

 

Ever since Nina died - hell even before then - he just felt like he didn’t have the time. Raising two kids with another parent was exhausting enough, and then he had to raise them alone? Yeah. No time for a boyfriend.

 

And Mickey had actually never longed for one either, as long as he got fucked regularly and he made sure to. 

 

Ian nodded, and took a step closer to Mickey. They weren’t extremely close at all. But they were standing closer together than you probably should when you haven’t seen someone in twenty years.

 

”So” Mickey frowned a little bit. ”Do you wanna grab coffee again? Maybe tomorrow?”

 

He frowned harder, taking a step backwards, shaking his head. When he looked at Ian, the redhead looked confused, and he felt kind of bad. But that didn’t mean going on another date would be a good idea.

 

”Look. Ian, this was really fun, but I don’t think that we should get into all of that shit again”

 

Ian made his lips into a thin line, yet somehow managed to give Mickey a small smile at the same time.

 

”Alright”

 

”You pissed?” Mickey asked, not sure why he even gave a shit.

 

”No, no!” Ian shook his head. ”Of course not”

 

”Good” Mickey smiled a little bit. ”I gotta get home, man” Ian nodded, fighting the urge to say ’ _see you around_ ’.

 

As soon as Mickey got in his car, he pulled his phone out, seeing two missed texts and one missed call.

 

 **Mandy:** _Ugh fine_

 

**Briana:** _I’m fucking hungry_

 

Yes. His kids had certainly picked up Mickey’s language over the years.

 

The missed call was from Briana as well, and Mickey sighed, deciding to answer his sister first.

 

 **Mickey:** _Changed plans. I’ll be over after I make the twins some food. Get the fucking beer out. Need to talk._

 

 **Mickey:** _Sorry, Bud. I ran into someone. Start boiling the water and I’ll do the rest when I get home._

 

 **Briana:** _Fucking finally_

 

Mickey sighed and locked his phone, starting up the car to begin the drive home.

 

His head was spinning the entire way home, thinking over the conversation he and Ian had had. Thinking about the way his laugh still sounded exactly the way Mickey remembered it. The way his smile made Mickey feel kind of funny inside, just like it did twenty years ago.

 

He knew that he had done the right thing by saying no to the date. It just wasn’t a good idea. But he still felt like it had been nice to catch up, more than nice, actually. And a part of him was really confused about the whole thing.

 

Which was exactly why he was planning to make his sister listen to him.

 

Mickey parked the car on the driveway and looked up at the big, lit house. He had never in a million years dreamt he would be living like this.

 

He wasn’t a millionaire or even that rich, but a big house, a nice car and two kids, well, it was so much fucking more than he had ever thought he would be able to have. He ran a hand over his face and got out of the car, locking it behind him and walking into the house.

 

The house was bright, Brian’s muffled music coming from somewhere in the house.

 

Mickey sighed to himself and toed his shoes off, walking into the kitchen to find Briana sitting on a bar stool by the kitchen island, typing away on her laptop, her long dark brown hair draped over one shoulder. 

 

”Today was your fucking day of cooking” She said, not looking up.

 

”I’m sorry, buddy” Mickey responded, dropping a quick kiss to the top of her head before going over to the cupboard to find the pasta, dropping it in the boiling water. ”But to be fair, boiling the fucking water isn’t cooking” He added, and he knew that his daughter was rolling her eyes even though his back was turned to her.

 

Mickey opened the fridge, finding a jar of premade tomato sauce, ready to be heated up and served. He put it on the counter, deciding he’d wait a few minutes with that.

 

”Homework?” He asked then and Briana nodded.

 

”College essay. Gotta finish this”  Mickey frowned, walking to the other side of the kitchen island to read over her shoulder.

 

”Isn’t it a little bit early for college essays?”

 

”No. Not if I wanna get into Dartmouth” Mickey nodded to himself and placed a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly.

 

”You’re gonna do great, buddy”

 

”Thanks” Briana said and Mickey walked out of the kitchen through the living room and past the front door to reach the stairs, heading towards Brian’s room.

 

He knocked on the door lightly, waiting for the muffled ’ _come in_ ’ before entering.

 

Brian was laying in the middle of the room on his bed, headphones around his neck.

 

”Hey, bud. Dinner’s done in a couple of minutes”

 

Mickey had called Yevgeny by the nickname for as long as he could remember. So when he got two more kids, it just kind of stuck with them too.

 

Brian nodded.

 

”I’ll be right down, dad”

 

”Alright” Mickey said, exiting the room, but going back in once the door was halfway closed. ”Hey, I’m heading over to aunt Mandy’s after dinner, that okay or you need me to be home?”

 

”I’m seventeen. You can go next door, I’ll be fine.” Brian stated with a raised eyebrow. The twins certainly had gotten Mickey’s eyebrows.

 

”I fucking know you can be alone in the house” Mickey said in a duh tone. ”I meant more like did you do your fucking homework yet? Because it’s your senior year and if you ever wanna join your brother at Pepperdine, you gotta get to work soon”

 

Brian dropped the teenage attitude and ran a hand through his hair.

 

”I know. I will”

 

”Alright. You tell me if you need my help with something, right, bud?” Brian nodded.

 

”Good” Mickey said and exited the room for real, hurrying down to the kitchen to make sure the pasta didn’t become overcooked.

 

Once the sauce was hot and the pasta was drained he took three bowls down from the cupboard, putting them onto the kitchen island. Briana stood up, keeping her eyes on the screen for a second before closing her laptop and grabbing one of the bowls, scooping some food into it.

 

”Brian!” Mickey called on his son and then put some food into his bowl of his own, eating it really quickly standing up since it was getting really late and he still had to go over to Mandy and Lana’s.

 

Brian got down to the kitchen right as Mickey put his bowl in the sink.

 

”I’m gonna head over to Mandy’s, you want me to bring the keys in case you go to bed?”

 

”Yeah, I’m exhausted” Briana said around the food in her mouth, and Mickey nodded, grabbing his phone along with the keys and headed out of the house and across the lawn to Mandy’s.

 

Mickey knocked on the large wooden door five times and waited until Svetlana swung it open.

 

”Where the fuck is the booze?” Mickey asked, walking past his sister’s wife and into their kitchen. He had managed to hold everything together pretty well while he was at home, but now when he had the chance to drink and talk about this shit, he needed to.

 

”Come on into our home” Svetlana said sarcastically, accent almost completely washed away after all these years.

 

Mickey rolled his eyes at that and started opening the cupboards, looking for something to drink right as Mandy joined the in the kitchen, pulling a t shirt over her body. Mickey just barely registered that Lana’s hair looked all messed up and that he probably had disturbed something, but he couldn’t focus on that right now.

 

He cracked a beer open and sat down by their kitchen island taking a big gulp.

 

”Alright, Mick. I haven’t seen you act this stressed in years, what the fuck is going on?” Mandy asked, sitting down across from him.

 

That was the problem. Mickey didn’t really know what was going on with him. He had been relatively calm while he was drinking the coffee and talking. He had managed to stay pretty cool and think about something other than Ian while he was making dinner.

 

But now, when he had no responsibilities for the rest of the night, and he could actually unload for Mandy and Lana’s ears, he fucking needed to. Maybe it had just shocked him to see Ian after all of these years, but he just felt weird.

 

Like he was back where he started. It wasn’t like he was still in love with the guy, and he didn’t even feel like he was lying when he said that. It had been twenty years, he wasn’t hung up on Ian.

 

It was just that seeing him after all this time, it just brought Mickey back to everything that he had left behind all those years ago.

 

Hearing Ian’s laugh, seeing his eyes. It was just weird. It was a weak word, but Mickey didn’t have a better word to describe it.

 

”Guess who I ran into at the fucking coffee shop of all places?” Mickey asked, looking at Mandy as he took another gulp of the beer.

 

Mandy had an eyebrow raised, waiting for her brother to just tell her and get out of here so that she could lock the door and continue to eat her wife out. Mickey waited for a couple more seconds, but then finally he just spit it out.

 

”Ian”

 

”Gallagher?” Mandy questioned.

 

”How many fucking Ian’s do you know? Jesus fuck, Mandy”

 

Mandy’s eyes were big in surprise as she tried to figure out what he brother was thinking about all of this.

 

”Did you talk to him?” Svetlana asked.

 

”For a long time” Mickey nodded. ”Told him about the kids, the move. He told me about what he’s been up to” He said, not really wanting to go into too much detail right now.

 

”He changed?” Mandy questioned then, and Mickey shrugged. But he knew his answer.

 

”Not one fucking bit. I mean, he’s stable, healthy whatever, but he’s still the Ian I knew. Sort of”

 

”That in a good way?” Lana asked, and Mickey let out a sound between a sigh and a chuckle as he started pealing back the label on the beer bottle with his thumbs. Mandy nodded a little bit.

 

She wished she knew what to say, but she didn’t really know how Mickey felt about this still, so she didn’t know what that would be.

 

”He asked me out. On another coffee date” Mickey suddenly revealed, eyes still fixed on the bottle. ”Told him no”

 

”Why?” Mandy asked, wishing she knew of a quick way to make her brother’s troubles go away if only so that he would get out of here.

 

She and Lana had been in the middle of one of their hottest fucks yet, a knock on your door from your brother kind of kills the mood pretty easily.

 

”Because it would be a dumb fucking idea, Mands” Mickey explained. ”I don’t even know if I like the guy that way anymore, and I don’t even really have the time for dating right now”

 

Mandy couldn’t really argue with that point. Between working and cooking, helping with homework and answering long emails, Mickey didn’t get much free time these days.

 

Mandy nodded slowly, and turned to her wife.

 

”Baby, could you give us a moment?”

 

”I’m going to bed” Svetlana agreed, placing a deep kiss to Mandy’s lips.

 

”I’ll be right up”

 

Once Lana was out of earshot, Mandy leaned over the kitchen island to get closer to her brother.

 

”Look, I don’t know what the fuck is going on in that head of yours, so I’m just gonna say what I think and then you’re gonna get out of here so that I can go upstairs, tie Lana to the headboard and make her scream, deal?”

 

”Gross, Mandy” Mickey said, but nodded.

 

”I know that what Ian did to you was terrible, and that it took you forever to let it go. Fuck, it took me forever to let it go and I wasn’t even in town when it happened. But I know that you’re not the same person you were back then. No one’s the same person they were twenty years ago. So I don’t know exactly how it all went down between you two today or who said what, but I do know - Mickey listen to me”

 

Mickey took his eyes off of his hands and looked at his sister again.

 

”I know that if Ian was just some ex boyfriend you felt nothing at all for anymore, you wouldn’t come bursting into my house, hyperventilating at half past twelve”

 

Mandy said all of this in a whisper shout, but soon she seemed to calm down, her eyes becoming a little bit softer as Mickey’s shoulders slumped.

 

Mickey looked up at her, scared to realize that she was probably right.

 

”I love you bro, but sometimes you’re so fucking clueless. You two were so fucking in love, I’ve never seen anything like it, not even between me and Lana. I don’t think twenty years and two kids has changed that as much as you wish it had” Mandy said.

 

Mickey’s eyes said everything, it was just her job to lay it out for him to see.

 

Mickey looked back at her. He thought about the way Ian’s voice had sounded today. He thought about the way his smile had looked just as beautiful as it had twenty years ago.

 

Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't believe that Mickey would actually go back to fucking girls or try to convince himself that he's straight but for this storyline to work, that had to happen so bare with me. 
> 
> Also, the violence won't come into play until probably the 12th or 13th chapter, but I figured I should warn people from the beginning. 
> 
> Tell me what you think so far! xo


	2. That Same Old Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm not angry, man. I'm just... done. I have been for a long time"

A couple of days later, Mickey was awoken by his obnoxiously loud alarm clock, telling him that it was time to get up. It had taken him a couple of years to fully develop a routine that seemed to work well, but he had, and by now, he almost did everything automatically.

 

He sat up and ran a hand through his hair and over his face, blinking, trying to make his eyes adjust to the dim lit bedroom. Mickey’s eyes focused on the black television screen against the wine red wall, and he absentmindedly wondered why the fuck he had ended up getting such a large television for his own bedroom. He rarely turned it on anyway.

 

Alas, for once he actually had had the money, so he figured that he had been allowed.

 

He used a hand to rub a little bit more of the sleep out of his eyes and then he reached for his phone, checking if he had missed anything. The only message was from Mandy, regarding their monthly dinner.

 

When the twins had been younger, they had all had dinner together almost every night but as they got older, and Mickey started to have more on his plate, it had become more of a weekly thing. By now it was once a month, sometimes two, and it was actually something that he looked forwards to.

 

Sure, it was just his sister and her wife, but he rarely had the time to talk to an adult about anything other than work. Sure, now that they were hardly kids anymore, Briana and Yev would listen and sometimes even Brian would, but it felt wrong and unnecessary to unload on his kids.

 

Even though Mandy and Svetlana lived right next door, they all had their own things going on. They texted and saw each other’s faces almost every day, but they never really had the time to talk.

 

 **Mandy:** _Your domestic ass is probably asleep by now but whatever. I got a friend who was gonna come over tomorrow, is it okay if he comes over with us to your place tomorrow night for the dinner?_

 

Mickey sighed and ran a hand through his morning hair again.

 

Honestly, the good thing about these dinners is the fact that it was just the family. It never ever felt like it was anything special about it. Having Mandy and Lana bring a stranger would certainly put a kink in that. However, Mickey wasn’t in the mood to fight and if he knew his sister right, she had already made up her mind and it wouldn’t matter what his answer was.

 

So he opted for the easier one.

 

 **Mickey:** _Sure whatever_

 

Once the message was sent, he put the phone down and got out of the double bed, stumbling into the attached bathroom.

 

Mickey put his hands on the sink, looking into the mirror. He looked tired, and his black hair was all over the place. His lips were dry as fuck, but over all, he looked fine. He looked into his own eyes for another moment before he pushed himself to stand up straight again and then he peeled his shirt off along with his boxers and went into the shower, turning the heat up almost all the way to see if it would relax his tense muscles at all.

 

As much as Mickey didn’t like to admit it, that run in with Ian a couple of days back had thrown him off of the rails he had smoothly been running on for the past eighteen years.

 

Despite the fact that Mandy had made him realize that maybe he did still like Ian, he had decided not to do anything about it. He had said no to the date, and that was that. That needed to be that. Because even if he would have the time at some point, he just couldn’t see himself going back there.

 

Whether it had been twenty years since they had seen each other or one like that time he had gone to juvie, it didn’t matter. Getting back together with an ex was never a good idea. His sister was living proof of this theory.

 

Mandy had forgiven so many guys, Mickey had never been able to keep track. But it never worked out.

 

So. The best thing he could do was forget about it and the truth was, so far it was actually going pretty well. Mickey kept running on that routine he had made up for himself, and he didn’t have time to think about the past or ex boyfriend’s who still smelled amazing.

 

Nope, Mickey was not going to go back there. Ever.

 

He closed his eyes, letting the hot water run all over his body, washing away the sleep. His cock was standing for attention as it always did in the morning, but he forced himself not to touch it and instead hope that it would go away by itself as it did most mornings.

 

A part of him was scared that if he wrapped a hand around it and leaned back against the shower wall, a certain redhead would pop into his mind, and that wasn’t right.

 

He couldn’t do that. Instead, he quickly washed his body off with some soap, running some of it through his hair as well. He stayed in the shower for a couple of more minutes and then he turned the water off, reaching for the towel that was hanging outside of the shower and wrapped it around his hips before stepping out.

 

Once his teeth were brushed, his morning wood gone and he was dressed for work, he went out into his bedroom again, contemplating making his bed but deciding against it and instead going straight out of the room and knocking on his daughters door.

 

”Bri? Time to get up” He had his eyes on his phone as he spoke, quickly checking if he had missed any important emails. He hadn’t.

 

”I’m up” Briana’s voice came from the other side of the door, and he could tell that she was by her closet and not still in bed, so he kept walking past Yevgeny’s room to reach Brian’s next.

 

Mickey didn’t bother to knock because he knew that his son would be passed out in bed still, and he was right. He sighed, pocketing his phone and walking over to the bed, shaking him slightly, dragging a tired groan out of Brian.

 

”Five more minutes” He mumbled into the pillow, and Mickey sighed. He had made that mistake before.

 

Five minutes would turn into an hour and the rest of their morning would be absolute hell. Nope.

 

”No. Get up. Now”

 

”Two” Brian groaned, trying to negotiate a deal, and Mickey shook his head even though his son wasn’t looking at him.

 

”No” Mickey repeated. ”Now”

 

They went through this almost every single morning, so Brian gave up pretty easily by now, knowing he wouldn’t win. He let out a sigh and flipped onto his back, his eyes opening, slowly, as to not let in too much light at once.

 

”Fine, I’ll be right down”

 

”Get up” Mickey said again, walking towards the door.

 

He turned around to see Brian sit up, and he was happy with his work as he closed the door and went down into the kitchen. These were things he did every single day. All of his mornings - and for the most part the rest of the day too - looked the same. But he had never really minded it.

 

When he had been younger, he had never had this. He had never felt safe or happy or had any kind of routine. It felt nice. And he wanted to give that to his kids as well.

 

Sure, he had changed a lot in the past years, but let’s be real for a second. Who the fuck is the same person they were when they were seventeen? It wasn’t like he was weak or like he didn’t curse or didn’t smoke.

 

Most of the things that made Mickey Mickey were still there.

 

He had just become more responsible. More of a father. Which was a good thing considering the fact that he really didn’t have another choice.

 

Mickey ran a hand over his face and got up on his toes to grab the cereal out of the highest cupboard along with some sugar because apparently Briana couldn’t have cereal without it. He got some bowls and spoons out and then sat down by the kitchen island with his breakfast, phone in his hand.

 

He answered a couple of short work emails that he didn’t need his computer for, and he went back to check his conversation with Mandy really quickly to see if she had answered, but she hadn’t.

 

Most likely because she was still asleep just because she could. Fucking lucky people. Mickey finished his breakfast right as Briana came into the kitchen, Brian trudging right behind her.

 

”Morning” He said, only getting a couple of tired grunts in response. Mickey got up and put his bowl in the sink before pocketing his phone. ”I have to go work, you guys lock up when you leave, right?”

 

Brian nodded, eyes on the milk he was currently pouring into an empty bowl. Briana had to look away. Who the fuck pours the milk in before the cereal?

 

”You guys have enough money for the bus, right?”

 

”Yeah, we do” Briana answered before getting up to grab the sugar from the counter. ”But you know you wouldn’t have to worry about that if you just got us a car”

 

”No, then I’d have to worry about gas money instead. Nice try, buddy” Mickey said, earning himself a middle finger.

 

He had never really cared about them cursing or flipping people off. As long as they stayed out of juvie and they weren’t complete bullies - like he had been when he was their age - he was happy.

 

If he really wanted to, he would be able to get them some kind of car, maybe not a new one or a nice one, but a car. That was the upside to him finally getting off of his ass to get a college education and a good job, but he had decided to let them ride the bus for a little while longer.

 

Especially since neither of them had gotten off of _their_ asses to get a job of their own.

 

Although, maybe that was for the best. Mickey could already tell that Briana was a little bit stressed out over college. He didn’t want to know where they would all end up if she were to take on a job as well.

 

Mickey got into the car and ran a hand over his face before starting it up and backing out of the driveway.

 

Halfway he stopped at the coffee shop and got his daily dose of caffeine. He tried not to look over to the table where he had been sitting only a few days ago, it would do no good. He was over it, he was.

 

He had to be.

 

 

”I got an answer from Mickey” Mandy said as she came down the stairs to join her wife in the kitchen.

 

”What did he say?” Svetlana asked as she poured two cups of black coffee.

 

”He says it’s fine. This is gonna be great! Ow, what the fuck?!” She cursed and put the coffee down again after realizing just how hot it was against her tongue.

 

”He doesn’t know everything. He is not going to be happy with you” Lana said, looking at Mandy over the rim of her blue coffee cup.

 

”He’s gonna thank me at some point” Mandy said and walked over to Lana, placing a deep kiss to her lips. ”I hope”

 

 

Mickey contemplated stopping for another coffee on the way home, but he decided against it and kept driving instead.

 

When he made it home and parked on the driveway, the house was lighting up the darkness, making him feel right at home. He had never really had anything like that before he left Chicago. When he moved into that apartment with Mandy, it was the first and only time in his entire like that he had felt completely safe and happy.

 

Except for when he had been all wrapped up in Ian’s arms, but that was a long time ago. He preferred not to think about how he had felt back then. It didn’t mean he felt anything of the sort anymore.

 

As soon as he entered the house he heard music blasting in the kitchen along with the twins yelling - well more like talking loudly - at each other. Mickey toed his shoes off and ran a hand through his hair and down his face before walking down the short hallway into the kitchen.

 

Brian was standing by the kitchen island, bent over the computer screen and Briana was cramming three whole garlic cloves at once into the presser.

 

”No, that’s not how you do it, Bri” He said tiredly and she turned to him, frowning.

 

”Do you wanna do it?” They both knew he’d rather eat gravel than cook on a day that it wasn’t his turn. That was why the twins had their days of cooking in the first place.

 

”Nah, you’re doing fine” He said quickly, and she nodded, turning back to the cutting board and shaking the pan where some meat of some sort was cooking.

 

Mickey went to stand behind Brian to see what he was doing.

 

”Homework now?” He asked, and Brian nodded.

 

”Yeah, just a little bit before dinner. You said I have to focus if I wanna get into college, right? Well that’s what I’m fucking trying to do”

 

Mickey nodded even though Brian’s back was turned to him. He put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it.

 

”You’re gonna do great, Bri”

 

Brian nodded absentmindedly and Mickey walked out of the kitchen and up the stairs, heading for his bedroom. He went into the bathroom and splashed some water on his face since he felt a little bit tired from working all day.

 

Right as he was about to exit his room and go down to the kitchen again, he got a text.

 

 **Mandy:** _We’ll be over in a couple of minutes. Our friend’s gonna come a little bit later._

 

Mickey fought the urge to roll his eyes as he pocketed his phone and went down the stairs. Honestly, he had no fucking idea who this tag along friend was, and he wasn’t sure that he wanted to know either.

 

Sometimes Mandy made him meet her friends in hopes that they would end up in love or some shit. The fact that she didn’t tell Mickey much about it had him believe that yes, she was hoping they would end up having a happily ever after. That seemed to be one of his sister’s weird tactics.

 

She would make sure to act casual whenever she made Mickey meet one of her friends to make sure that he wouldn’t suspect anything beforehand. Of course, over the years Mickey had figured this out.

 

The problem was that Mickey didn’t want that. He didn’t want a boyfriend, and he certainly didn’t want his sister to fix him up on blind dates as often as she did. It was probably not more than a couple of times a year that she did something like this, but it still got old pretty quickly.

 

Alas, there wasn’t much he could do about it now so he decided to just bite his tongue and get through the dinner, however it may end up turning out.

 

Mickey got halfway to the kitchen before there was a knock on the door, so he turned around and went to open it, revealing Lana and Mandy.

 

”Hey” He said opened the door wider to give them space to come inside of the house.

 

”Twins day to cook?” Lana asked, and Mickey nodded.

 

”Hopefully we won’t die” He said, and Mandy chuckled at that before they all went to join the kids in the kitchen.

 

Only ten minutes later, there was another knock on the door and Mickey stood up to go get it.

 

”Mick?” Mandy called him back, and he stopped and turned to her. ”Just… don’t be mad. Okay?”

 

Mickey squinted, growing - if possible - even more suspicious of this ’friend’ his sister had invited to dinner. If she felt the need to tell him not to get mad, most likely, he would end up doing just that.

 

”What did you do?” He asked her, keeping his voice as calm as possible.

 

”Go open the door” Mandy just said, and Mickey rolled his eyes before turning back around and walking down the hallway to reach the front door.

 

When he swung it open, he stood face to face with Ian fucking Gallagher.

 

”Hey” Ian said with that stupid fucking smile plastered onto his perfect fucking face.

 

”What. The fuck?” Mickey managed to get out, his face going from surprised to pissed off as fuck within seconds.

 

Ian shrugged, somehow managing to pull off puppy eyes in his late thirties.

 

”Mandy invited me. She said you knew”

 

Mickey stared at Ian for a moment, trying to figure out how to handle this. How the fuck hadn’t he seen right through her? Who the fuck else would it be but his ex boyfriend whom she was convinced he was still hung up on?

 

It was so fucking like her.

 

Albeit, he - for some fucked up reason that he didn’t know - didn’t have the heart to just send him away again. Not when he was just standing outside of Mickey’s door with those huge fucking green eyes and that huge fucking smile on his face.

 

”Yeah. I didn’t” Mickey sighed, but pulled the door open further anyway, letting Ian inside.

 

”I’m sorry, Mickey. I really thought you knew. I can go if - ”

 

”Nah. Look, man. It’s fine” Mickey said, and Ian nodded, looking into Mickey’s eyes for a beat too long.

 

Mickey forced himself to break the eye contact and they made their way into the kitchen.

 

Briana was leaning against the counter on her phone when they entered, and Mandy and Lana were sitting on two bar stools by the kitchen island. They all looked up.

 

”Ian, hi! It’s been so fucking long!” Mandy almost squealed and went to hug him. Ian chuckled and hugged her back.

 

”Didn’t you too just meet?” Mickey asked. ”You know, since you went behind my fucking back and invited him?”

 

”No, just over the phone” Mandy explained, dodging the rest of what Mickey said.

 

Lana went over to give him a hug as well, but it wasn’t quite as big or warm.

 

”Ian, this is my daughter, Briana” Mickey gestured to her, and Ian smiled, reaching a hand forwards.

 

He was a little bit blown away by how fucking similar she looked to Mickey. She wasn’t quite as short - well, she was a little bit shorter than her father, but on a teenage girl, it wasn’t considered short. Her long, medium brown hair was draped over one shoulder, and her blue eyes were almost as beautiful as Mickey’s.

 

”Nice to meet you” He said, and she took his hand, shaking it.

 

”You too” Briana said, eyeing him up and down. Not because she thought he was attractive or anything like that, but it was just like she was trying to figure him out. She could be wary like that.

 

”Where’s your brother?” Mickey asked her then.

 

”He went to take a shower before dinner” Lana answered.

 

Mickey felt as if he had been thrown into a time machine of some sort. Being in a kitchen together with Mandy, Lana and Ian… it was just weird. It was just like it had been back when he and Ian had been together and Yev had been a baby.

 

Ian was talking to Mandy about something, but Mickey wasn’t really listening.

 

He subtly let his eyes drift up to Ian’s face. He was standing next to him, so his eyes went to his jawline, and the stubble on his chin that seemed to be a permanent thing nowadays. Sure, Ian was attractive as fuck, he always had been. But that didn’t mean that it would be a good idea for Mickey to throw himself into all of that shit again, even if Ian wanted to.

 

Hell, it hadn’t even been a good idea to be together back when they had just been kids.

 

They drove each other way too crazy, and it ended, well… in flames. Even if a small, tiny part of Mickey wanted to grab Ian by his shirt and kiss the fuck out of those lips, it probably wouldn’t end any better than it had back then.

 

He couldn’t put himself through that, and so it was better to just stay away. Mickey would get through dinner, Ian would leave, and they would never see each other again. It was a simple plan. A good plan. It would work, too.

 

Hopefully.

 

”Could you grab some plates and put them on the table?” Mickey asked his daughter. ”I need to talk to your aunt Mandy for a second”

 

Briana frowned a little bit, but nodded as Mickey grabbed a hold of Mandy’s shirt and pulled her outside.

 

”What the fuck, Mandy?!” He yelled as soon as the door was closed behind them.

 

”What?!” She asked in a whisper shout. ”Don’t fucking get pissed at me, you said you wouldn’t!”

 

”I never fucking said that!” Mickey stated loudly, and Mandy rolled her eyes.

 

”You love each other! I just want you to be happy, bro. Don’t be mad at me for pushing you guys into each other, you’re gonna thank me!”

 

”No, I’m not!” Mickey protested, resisting the urge to stomp his foot to get some of the anger out of his system. ”I was fucking fine until you decided to meddle. I don’t fucking need my sister the fucking hippie matchmaker, alright?”

 

”You love him!” 

 

”No, Mandy, you’re not fucking listening. I don’t love him, I never will. And it’s really fucking annoying that you keep pushing this because it’s not gonna happen. Ever!”

 

”You love him” She repeated, and he was ready to fire back until he realized that she wasn’t firing anything.

 

Her words were soft, her eyes big, begging. Trying to get him to realize something that he was trying so desperately not to.

 

”It’s been twenty fucking years, Mands” He sighed, and she fought the urge to roll her eyes.

 

”Does it feel like it?”

 

Mickey frowned at her words, thinking them over. Thinking over Ian’s smile, his laugh. The warm feeling in the pit of Mickey’s stomach whenever they were in the same room.

 

No, it didn’t feel like any time at all had passed.

 

 

”So who is he?” Briana asked Mandy a little while later when they were alone in the kitchen.

 

”Ian?”

 

”Yeah” She confirmed, turning on the tap to make sure the water would run as cold as it could.

 

”We all went to high school together, Mickey and Ian ran into each other a couple of days ago. Remember when he was late to get home?”

 

Briana made a disgusted face, and Mandy shook her head.

 

”No, no! As far as I know they just talked” She nodded at her aunt’s words.

 

”Were they ever together?” Mandy nodded, taking a sip of her whiskey.

 

”Yeah. They were in love, like really, really in love” Briana looked at Mandy, wanting more.

 

Mickey never told her and her brothers much about the time before he had them. She had always just assumed that he just didn’t see the point. Briana had never considered the fact that maybe it just hurt her dad too much to think back.

 

”You think they’re gonna get back together?” She asked, and Mandy shrugged.

 

”I went behind your dads back to invite Ian tonight” She stated, and Briana nodded.

 

”So you want them to?” Her aunt nodded.

 

”I do, I think they both do, too. They’re just too stupid to do anything about it. Would you be okay with that?” Briana shrugged.

 

”I guess. I barely said a word to the guy but he seems cool enough” She thumbed her bottom lip, a habit she had picked up from her father. ”How did it end?”

 

”In flames” Mandy answered without missing a beat. ”Ian dumped Mickey and he was heartbroken for a long time” Briana frowned.

 

”Why?” Mandy smiled.

 

”You know what, kiddo? I think I’ve said more than he’d like me to. You wanna know more, why don’t you talk to your dad about it, huh?” Briana nodded.

 

”Okay”

 

Dinner wasn’t half as awkward as Mickey had expected it to be. The food the twins had managed to cook up wasn’t half bad either.

 

”You thought about college yet?” Lana asked the twins, and Brian was oddly enough the first one to speak up.

 

”I wanna go to Pepperdine”

 

”That’s where Yev is, isn’t it?” Ian asked, and Briana nodded.

 

”Yeah. Wait, you know Yevgeny?”

 

Ian became quiet, looking over to Mickey for help. Mickey looked back, trying to figure out a way to get out of this. Ay, fuck it.

 

”Yeah. Me and Ian were together back when Yev was a baby. I think he was the first one to change a diaper”

 

Ian chuckled, a smile forming on his face as he remembered what an amazing life they had had together once.

 

Mickey smiled back at him, despite him trying not to.

 

”You were together?” Brian asked, and Mickey nodded.

 

”We’ll take that later, bud” He was quick to dismiss any questions.

 

It was weird enough being in Ian’s presence again, actually talking about what they used to be would turn this sort of normal dinner into an awkward dinner really fucking fast.

 

Mickey and Ian caught each others eyes over the table multiple times, and Mickey just barely managed to stop himself from smiling back at the redhead.

 

 

A couple of hours later, Mickey was following Ian to the front door. Ian stopped by it and turned to Mickey.

 

”Thanks for letting me stay. You know even though…” He trailed off and Mickey nodded.

 

”Yeah, man. No problem” He said. ”You and your fucking puppy eyes” Mickey couldn’t help but add, and it made Ian laugh. Face splitting laughter, and it was so fucking hard not to join him.

 

A few seconds later, he quieted down, and they were left standing a few feet away from each other, eyes on each others.

 

”I’m sorry” Ian said suddenly, and Mickey frowned.

 

”For what?” Ian shrugged, keeping his shoulders raised for a little bit.

 

”Everything” Mickey’s eyes softened. ”The break up and… pretty much every fucking day before it”

 

”It was a long time ago” Mickey said, but it was just a statement. It wasn’t an ’ _It’s okay_ ’ or ’ _Don’t worry about it_ ’. Because he couldn’t say those.

 

”I know” Ian nodded. ”Doesn’t make it right. And um… I just… I don’t think I ever said that. So, I’m sorry”

 

Mickey bit his tongue, struggling to make sure his eyes didn’t turn red.

 

”Yeah. You never did” He stated, a small, sad smile on his face. Ian looked back at him, the air between them suddenly turning very sad.

 

”Mickey…” Ian whispered softly, taking a step closer to him, putting a hand on his waist.

 

”No” Mickey said, backing away. Ian took the hint, putting both of his hands in his pockets. ”Look…” Mickey started, eyes on Ian’s. ”I know this isn’t something I would have ever admitted twenty years ago…”

 

Ian kept his eyes on Mickey, not sure he would be able to take the heartbreaking words that would surely come out of his mouth at any moment. Mickey sighed and hesitated for a beat before continuing.

 

”You fucking broke me”

 

He didn’t say ’ _You broke my heart_ ’ because Ian knew what he meant. And somehow, those words didn’t feel like they would explain anything. Ian didn’t fucking break a part of Mickey, he broke Mickey.

 

It had been like everything inside of him had died.

 

”Mickey…” Ian whispered again, wishing he could just wrap his arms around the man in front of him.

 

”It was fucking hard letting you go” Mickey said then, his voice a little bit stronger than before. ”Ian, and it was hard seeing you again” He nodded a little bit as he spoke the words.

 

Mickey’s eyes searched Ian’s as he tried to figure out whether the next words out of his mouth would make things better or worse.

 

”But I have” Mickey finally stated. ”I have let you go, Ian. I have moved on” If there was a way to actually hear somebody’s heart break, that’s what Mickey did. Ian suddenly seemed to lifeless, so… sad. ”And I can’t go back there…” Ian nodded. ”Look, it doesn’t fucking matter what Mandy tries to do or what you say. I’m not going to go back there, I can’t. We both know how it would end”

 

Ian fought the urge to give him a whole speech about how they weren’t the same people as they had been back then and how he would do anything to make Mickey happy if he would just give him a chance. It wouldn’t change anything.

 

”I’m not angry, man. I’m just… done. I have been for a long fucking time”

 

Ian nodded, willing himself not to tear up. Mickey looked back at him, and they just stood there for a second, searching each others eyes.

 

Ian hesitated for about half a second before he took a step forwards and cupped Mickey’s cheek, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead.

 

Mickey was too surprised to do anything, so he just stood there, lips slightly parted as Ian’s lips hit his skin.

 

”Take care of yourself, Mickey” Ian whispered, and then he was gone.

 

When the door closed, Mickey thought that maybe it was his own heart he could hear breaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if you still like this! xo


	3. Steady Going Under

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was like a fucking drug.
> 
> You think you’re doing fine without it and then you get a tiny, tiny taste of the feeling that you used to have in your body all the time, and just like that, you’re hooked once again.

That night, Mickey couldn’t fall asleep for shit. He felt like it was too hot, and the sheets were sticking to his skin. Yet, he also felt like it was way too cold in the room.

 

Mickey had thought that he had let Ian go after all this time, he really had. Even after the run in at the coffee shop. But after tonight… everything was just so much more confusing. He hadn’t lied to Ian when he said that he had let him go, either.

 

He had believed that while the words were leaving his mouth. But now, a few hours later when he had had even more time to think, he thought that maybe he wasn’t as over it as he had thought. It had all been fine - confusing as fuck, but fine - when they had just grabbed a coffee and talked like old friends.

 

As soon as Ian actually brought up what happened between the two of them, it felt like it all came rushing back. The conversations he wanted to forget echoed inside of Mickey’s head, keeping him from sleep.

 

_’It was fucking hard letting you go’_ blended with _’You can’t fix me!’_ and _’Take care of yourself, Mickey’._

 

You know how they say that your life flashes before your eyes right before your death? Mickey felt like he was dying, losing something for the second time that he never even got back in the first place. All the said words, the unsaid words, the forehead kiss.

 

Everything blended together into one big mess inside Mickey and before long, he was covering his face with his hands, sobbing.

 

He couldn’t stop.

 

Almost half an hour later, Mickey had fully collected himself, but he still couldn’t go to sleep, so he got up out of bed and exited his bedroom, walking as silently as he could down to the kitchen. His eyes were still stinging a tiny bit from crying so much, so he took a deep breath and tried to relax even more.

 

He grabbed a glass and filled it with water before walking to the living room and sitting down in the dark, running a hand down his face. Mickey hadn’t cried this much in… well, twenty years. The last time he had full on sobbed was that night. That night when he and Ian had gone down in flames.

 

He preferred not to think of that night at all, or any of the days right after it.

 

Sometimes it still hurt to this day to hear the words of his then boyfriend echo inside of his head. Mickey had felt the purest form of happiness when he had been with Ian, and he had felt more heartbroken than he had in his entire life when they had split.

 

And a part of him thought that if Ian could make him _feel_ that much, then maybe he was wrong about this whole letting it go thing.

 

But he also knew that he couldn’t be, he had to be right. He had lived twenty years without the guy, he could do it again. And the truth was, that those twenty years - well, at least about seventeen of those twenty years - hadn’t been tainted by Ian’s shadow at all.

 

The reason Mickey hadn’t had a boyfriend hadn’t been because he wanted Ian. It had been because he didn’t have the time, just like he had told himself. And he had been happy that way, he hadn’t thought about Ian that often, hell barely at all.

 

But what does it say about Mickey that all it takes is to see Ian’s face two times for everything to come rushing back? In full fucking force, too.

 

”Dad?”

 

”Fuck!” Mickey jumped, but then immediately relaxed when he saw his daughter’s tired frame stand in the doorway. ”Sorry, did I wake you?”

 

Briana shrugged, keeping her arms crossed and then walked over to Mickey, sitting down in the second arm chair next to the one he was using.

 

”I was already awake” Mickey took a big gulp of the water and sighed before turning to her.

 

”Why’s that, bud? Something bothering you?” Briana shook her head at that.

 

”No” She answered. ”I just… I don’t know. Just one of those nights, I guess” ”You sure?” Mickey asked, frowning. He could always tell when something was on his kids minds. Briana looked over to him, thumbing her bottom lip. ”Ian seems nice”

 

Mickey’s lips parted a little bit in realization.

 

”That what you’re worried about, bud? Me and Ian?”

 

Mickey knew that ever since the twins mother had passed away, Briana - well, Brian, too, but mostly Briana - had been phobic of anything that might uproot or change their life. She had been sobbing when Yevgeny went off to California, for example. She just couldn’t help it. She liked her life.

 

Anything that might change it’s course the slightest bit was scary.

 

”I’m not… worried” Briana said, and Mickey frowned. She always admitted when she was scared or nervous, and had never really been embarrassed about it. So he wondered what else it could be.

 

”Then what?”

 

”You never really told us much about your life before you had us. You never said anything about Ian”

 

Mickey sighed and ran a hand over his face before turning a little bit more towards his daughter.

 

”Mandy?” Briana nodded.

 

”She said you were in love. Like real, be-together-forever in love. And that he broke your heart”

 

”Mandy needs to know when to keep her fucking trap shut” Mickey sighed, no real heat behind his words. He had never given this much thought - why he hadn’t told his kids about Ian.

 

It wasn’t like he was hiding it, had they asked, he surely would have told them. But he just didn’t see the point in being a ’When I was your age…’ kind of dad. Especially since he didn’t want his kids to be anything like how he was when he was their age.

 

He wasn’t an idiot, he knew that Brian smoked cigarettes daily, and Briana had come home smelling like beer and weed more than once. But they stayed out of juvie, and honestly, with his background, he saw that as a win.

 

”Were you?” Briana asked when her dad didn’t say anything more. ”In love?” Mickey sighed, and nodded.

 

”I was. I really fucking was” Briana looked at Mickey who was looking at his glass of water placed in front of him.

 

He looked beaten, tired. Like a sack of bad memories was weighing him down. Or maybe really fucking good ones that just hurt to think about.

 

”What exactly happened?” She asked then, somehow wanting to know the story.

 

”He got sick” Mickey sighed, running a hand over his face and straightening up again. ”Mentally” Briana frowned, but decided she didn’t need to know any specifics. Mental illness was good enough, she didn’t want to know.

 

”He seems fine now” Mickey nodded.

 

”Yeah, from what I understand he’s better now” Briana nodded, and bit the inside of her bottom lip in thought before saying the next words.

 

”You still love him?”

 

”No”

 

Her father’s quick answer made her doubt that, but she didn’t want to push it too much. It wasn’t actually much of her business anyway.

 

”Look, if you’re worried that me and Ian are gonna get back together or something, don’t be. That’s not gonna happen and I already told him that. Twice” Mickey then assured Briana, and she frowned.  

 

”He wants to?” Mickey nodded.

 

”Yeah, I guess. I don’t”

 

”Why not?”

 

”Jesus christ” Mickey ran a hand through his hair.

 

”Sorry” Briana said quickly, but Mickey shook his head. He actually liked being able to talk to his kids about this stuff.

 

Obviously he wouldn’t come to them for help or go into much detail like with Mandy, he didn’t want to put that on them. But they would come to him with their problems and they would ask him about things like this, and it felt nice to be able to connect with them.

 

He had heard about a ton of parents to had trouble with their teenagers being closed off, but Mickey had never really had that problem. Maybe because he was much younger than most other parents who had teenage kids.

 

”It just wouldn’t make sense to go back there” Mickey stated honestly. ”It didn’t work out back then, it wouldn’t work now” He said, and it was the truth.

 

Sure, maybe they weren’t the exact same people they had been back then, but they were still _Ian and Mickey._

 

Best case scenario? They got back together, they were happy for six months to a year, and then they started driving each other nuts, ending yet another try in flames. It was better not to get into it at all.

 

”You don’t know that” Briana said softly, and Mickey chuckled tiredly.

 

”I think I do. And besides, I got you and your brother to think about”

 

”That’s exactly the problem” Briana exclaimed, yet still sort of keeping her voice close to a whisper since it was nearing three am. ”Look… Sometimes I feel like you’re sitting out your life on the count of us and I don’t want that” Mickey frowned. He had never thought of it like that before. ”I don’t think Brian or Yev does either”

 

Mickey ran a hand over his face.

 

”I’m not sitting out on anything, Bri. I can fucking promise you that. I don’t want Ian. I loved him, a long fucking time ago. But he’s not the same person, I’m not the same person. I like him, I do. But not like that”

 

Some of it may be half lies, because Mickey didn’t know what the fuck to feel about all of this yet. It hadn’t even been a week since he’d first ran into Ian at that coffee shop. He needed some time to deal with this on his own.

 

”Alright” Briana finally nodded, ending the word with a yawn. ”I’m gonna head up”

 

Mickey stayed up for a bit, which was probably a bad idea because it just made him over think everything even more. He wasn’t a complete idiot. Mickey knew that he wouldn’t be losing any sleep over this shit if he was really, completely, one hundred percent over Ian.

 

But even so, that didn’t mean that he wasn’t over him at all. He was. And he couldn’t imagine that being a lie, because things that used to hurt to think about, they didn’t anymore.

 

Like the soft kisses and the touches and Ian’s whispered ’ _I love you_ ’s when he thought Mickey was asleep.

 

Well… it didn’t hurt quite as much anyway.

 

Mickey sighed and ran his hands over his face, sighing before deciding to head back to bed. A couple of hours of sleep would be better than nothing.

 

 

He woke up the next morning, feeling exhausted, as if the sleep he had gotten had done nothing at all.

 

On Saturdays, he usually slept in just because he could, but now, he sat up almost right when he woke up. If he stayed in bed, he would only have even more time to think about Ian. Fuck, he felt like he was seventeen again, and not in a good way.

 

The confusion, the fight with his feelings for Ian that may or may not still be there. Mickey sighed and ran a hand over his face, standing up and making his bed really quickly before heading into the bathroom. In the shower, the hot water poured over his tense body, but it didn’t do much to relax him.

 

The glass doors steamed up and Mickey was suddenly incredibly aware of his cock standing for attention, even more than it usually did in the mornings. He usually did make sure to beat off in the mornings, but Mickey hadn’t jerked off in… well, since the run in at the coffee shop.

 

Maybe he had just not had the time, or maybe he had just subconsciously been scared that Ian would pop into his head the second he wrapped that hand around his morning wood. Yeah, that was probably it.

 

But despite that, today, Mickey leaned back against the shower wall and let he water run over his body as he wrapped a hand around his cock, pulling at it slowly.

 

Yes, as soon as he did, Ian entered his mind.

 

He imagined Ian leaning over him, his big, pale hand being the one wrapped around Mickey’s cock, teasing him. Maybe Mickey should feel bad about this, but his mind was too much like his shower at the moment. Hazey and hot.

 

He swiped his thumb over the tip and had to dig his teeth into his bottom lip to keep from crying out. It had been way too long since he’d done this. It had been way too long since he’d gotten off to the thought of Ian especially.

 

And despite their incredibly weird and confusing status at the moment, that man was the hottest and the best fuck Mickey had ever had.

 

Mickey found himself wondering if Ian still did that thing with his tongue. He didn’t know what the fuck it was exactly and he had never been able to replicate it, but it felt so fucking good.

 

Mickey stilled his hand a little bit and went from long strokes to just working the tip of his cock for a little bit, clenching his eyes shut even tighter. He went back to the long strokes but went faster, and started meeting his movements with his hand, thrusting into his own hand.

 

It felt so fucking good, and before long he felt his orgasm start to build. He felt lucky that the shower was so loud along with the thick doors between him and the rest of the house because he came with a loud, strangled shout, completely unable to keep quiet.

 

Mickey relaxed against the shower wall, slowly blinking his eyes open as the water washed away his come from his hand and the floor.

 

He felt kind of bad, honestly. He shouldn’t be jerking off to somebody that he was trying to tell himself he was over. But to be fair, he had only thought about Ian paying attention to his cock.

 

He hadn’t thought about his smell or his hair or his smile. Or the way his hugs were so warm and perfect.

 

Ah, fuck.

 

 

Fifteen minutes later, Mickey was down in the kitchen, turning on the fancy ass coffee maker that Mandy and Lana had gotten him a couple of years back. He yawned as he stood up on his tip toes and reached for granola on the top shelf along with the froot loops.

 

He turned around to put the things on the kitchen island and jumped when he was face to face with his son.

 

”Jesus fuck, Bri”

 

”Sorry” Brian mumbled, running a hand through his messy, way too long hair - another habit Mickey’s kids seemed to have picked up from him.

 

Mickey grabbed two bowls from the clean dishwasher, putting them on the island along with two spoons. Brian stood up from his barstool and went to get a big glass along with the orange juice from the fridge.

 

”Are you coming to the game?” He asked his dad as he sat back down, pouring the juice into the glass and lifting it to his lips.

 

”Of course, bud” Mickey answered, sitting down with his way too large cup of coffee.

 

Since he always bought coffee on his way to work on weekdays, it had taken his quite a while to figure the machine out, not that he had really bothered to. But now, it was actually kind of nice to not have to go out and get it even on the weekend like he had a lot in the past.

 

”Don’t know if Briana’s coming, though. She couldn’t sleep last night, might be too tired” Mickey added, and Brian nodded.

 

If he was honest, he liked having his sister there when he played a game. They had always been close, especially after their mom had died.

 

Basketball hadn’t been something that Brian had been very interested in when he was younger. Fuck, even sports in general had been relatively uninteresting until he was about fifteen.

 

Then when he got to high school, it all kind of happened by accident. He and a couple of his buddies had been messing around with the hoop at school, playing horse, something stupid like that. And the coach of the basketball team had seen Brian play and apparently thought he was good, so he had offered him a spot on the team.

 

Both his dad and sister had been shocked, but no one had been more surprised than Brian himself. It worked out well, though, and now he kind of loved it.

 

”She upset about something?” Brian asked after a few minutes of silence as he made himself a bowl of cereal. Mickey sighed, taking a big gulp of his coffee.

 

”She thinks that me and Ian are gonna get back together” He explained calmly and Brian frowned.

 

”Yeah, I never got the chance to ask you about all of that yesterday. How long were you and he together?” Mickey sighed, not really having the energy to give another one of his kids the rundown, but he still felt like he owed Brian that. It was unfair to just tell Briana when she asked.

 

”Almost three years. Sort of on and off, I guess” He answered, and Brian took another big gulp of his juice.

 

”She right?”

 

”About what?” Mickey asked.

 

”Are you gonna get back together?”

 

”No” Mickey answered. ”You know how your sister is” Brian nodded. He did.

 

They went back to eating in silence, and Mickey had never been this thankful that his son never really felt the need to ask questions. Fuck, Mickey didn’t even know up and down himself anymore, how was he supposed to explain this to two seventeen year olds?

 

”What time’s the game?” Mickey asked after a while.

 

”Four” Brian answered, and Mickey nodded to himself. ”Coach asked us there early, though. So I’ll probably leave by two”

 

Mickey opened his mouth to answer right as Briana came trudging into the kitchen, still dressed in sweatpants and a t shirt. She stole Brian’s glass of juice and sat down next to Mickey, earning herself a middle finger from her brother.

 

”You okay, Bri?” Mickey asked turning to her, and Briana nodded.

 

”Fine. Just tired” She answered, voice horse.

 

Mickey got up to get another cup of coffee ready, pushing it towards his daughter who gratefully accepted it.

 

 

After a two hour nap, Briana ended up having the energy to go to the game with the family after all. So at half past three, Lana, Mandy, Mickey and Briana got into the car with Lana by the wheel, heading towards the game.

 

”Anyone know who they’re playing against today?” Mandy asked from the backseat.

 

”The Caracals” Briana answered easily.

 

”They’re undefeated this season, right?” Mickey asked.

 

”So far” Briana answered, and Mickey forced himself not to smile at the faith she had in her brother.

 

Soon, they parked the car outside of the gymnasium and headed in.

 

”You guys go find seats, I’m gonna go get some popcorn” Mandy said when they entered.

 

Briana ended up following her, and Mickey and Lana were left, heading across the still empty court towards the bleachers.

 

”Let’s go here” Svetlana said, and Mickey followed her up to the top where almost the entire row was free.

 

Mickey put his sweatshirt on the spot next to him and Lana did the same to make sure Mandy and Briana would have somewhere to sit when they came back.

 

”Have you talked to our son anything?” Lana asked after a while.

 

”Yeah” Mickey answered. ”A few days ago”

 

Mickey had called Yev on the morning of the day when he ran into Ian at that coffee shop. He seemed to be doing amazing, and he always seemed so happy when he talked to him nowadays. Mickey knew that his oldest son hadn’t had the easiest time back in high school.

 

He had struggled with social anxiety, and while Mickey had never really taken it as a serious thing before, when Yev had dealt with it, Mickey had felt like a complete ass. Yevgeny had had full on panic attacks, and Mickey had been so fucking scared for him sometimes.

 

He seemed to be doing a lot better now, though. And he knew that he could always call either of his parents whenever he needed help with something.

 

”You?” He asked then, and he saw Lana nod out of the corner of his eye.

 

”Yeah. Yevgeny called yesterday. He seems happy. Talked about when he’s coming home” Mickey nodded.

 

”Yeah. I thought he was coming home for thanksgiving, but he just mentioned christmas”

 

”I think school is too hard to come home. Long trip. Christmas will be good”

 

”Yeah” Mickey agreed and then they quieted down.

 

He missed Yevgeny a lot, of course he did. But it still made him happy and all warm inside that he was off at college. No Milkovich had ever really done that before. He couldn’t really imagine that any of Svetlana’s relatives had either. Besides, it was nearing the end of September now.

 

Two months would go by in a flash and then he would be able to hug his son.

 

Briana and Mandy came up to the bleachers, arms full of popcorn, drinks and other snacks. Mandy plopped down right next to Mickey and Briana took the spot next to Svetlana.

 

”Nothing started yet, right?” Briana asked.

 

”Not yet” Svetlana confirmed as Mandy offered Mickey some popcorn. He grabbed a hand full and leaned back against the wall.

 

A few minutes later, the teams were introduced and Brian’s team ran out onto the court. Mandy, Lana, Briana and Mickey all cheered along with the rest of the people who rooted for the Blackowls. Mickey didn’t know what it was about seeing the name _Milkovich_ on the back of a jersey, but he always felt so fucking proud.

 

These games were one of the few times when Mickey just could not stop grinning no matter how much he tried.

 

At half time, the Blackowls were thirteen to eleven, so the gym was pretty tense because the Caracals apparently had a reputation for going extremely hard for the last few seconds, as Briana had informed the adults next to her. So no one really had any idea how it would end.

 

Mandy turned to her brother and bit the inside of her bottom lip in thought.

 

”Can I ask you something?” Mickey frowned and turned to look at her, but then nodded. ”What did Ian say? Last night?”

 

Mickey sighed, rolling his eyes. He was so fucking sick of Mandy interfering with his love life. He didn’t even fucking need or want one to begin with.

 

”Just fucking tell me!” She exclaimed. ”You looked so fucking sad when you came back into the kitchen, I just wanna know” Mickey sighed.

 

”I didn’t fucking look sad” He muttered, and he could almost hear his sister rolling her eyes. ”Alright fine” Mickey finally sighed, looking up at her. ”It was nothing” He lowered his voice a little bit to make sure Lana and Bri wouldn’t hear too much. It was buzzing it the stadium, though, so it wasn’t very likely. ”He said sorry, wanted to get back together and I said no”

 

”He said he wanted you back?” Mandy asked, and Mickey could feel a smile start to form on her face.

 

”Nah, but with the hand on my hip and his fucking eyes when I said it wasn’t gonna happen, it was pretty much implied” Mandy frowned, and punched Mickey on the arm. ”Ow, what the fuck, Mandy?” He cursed in a whisper.

 

”That boy loves you” Mickey chuckled tiredly.

 

” _Man_. He’s a man, Mandy. We both are, and we don’t need your help” Mandy sighed. ”Look…” Mickey said, and Mandy straightened up, noticing his energy going from annoyed to serious. ”I’m not a fucking idiot. I know that there’s probably still… something there” Mickey finally admitted out loud. ”But just… let me figure it out, alright? On my own”

 

Mandy looked at her brother for a second, but then finally nodded.

 

”Alright. I’ll stay out of it”

 

”Thanks” Mickey said, a small smile on his face as he turned back to the court where the game was just about to start up again.

 

”But there’s something you should know” Mickey sighed.

 

”What the fuck now?”

 

”I kind of… gave him your new number. Few days ago”

 

”Mandy, I - ”

 

”He asked for it, what the fuck was I supposed to do?”

 

”Not give it?” Mickey answered in a _duh_ tone.

 

”Look you said it yourself, Mick. Something’s still there. I’ll stay out of it from now on, though”

 

”Promise?” Mickey asked, not sure if he could believe she really would.

 

”Yes!” Mandy said. ”I promise”

 

Mickey nodded and turned back to the game. Suddenly his pocket was itching. Why the fuck had his phone been so quiet all day?

 

 

Brian met his family outside of the gym, and all five of them were grinning.

 

”You did so fucking good, I’m so proud!” Mandy squealed, running to give her nephew a hug.

 

Brian had been a good basketball player for a long time, and he had made a lot of good shots at a lot of games. But today was the first time ever that he had made the winning shot, and his entire body was buzzing as if he was on some really good shit.

 

”Good job, buddy” Mickey said and hugged his son.

 

His stomach was all fucking warm. He had been proud of things and people before he became a parent, but nothing could measure up to this feeling.

 

 

Later that night, Brian and Briana were in bed, and Mickey was sitting on his with his phone in his hand, calling the person he had been desperate to talk to ever since the game. He answered on only the fourth ring.

 

_”Hey, dad”_ Mickey grinned.

 

”Hey buddy. I just thought I’d call and make sure you’re okay. Been a couple of days”

 

_”I’m good. Talked to Briana earlier, heard my little brother made the winning shot”_ Mickey could hear the pride in Yev’s deep voice.

 

”He did, it was fucking intense” Mickey chuckled. ”I miss you, Yev”

 

_”Miss you too, dad”_

 

”You’d call me if you need help with anything, right?” Mickey wanted to make sure.

 

_”Of course”_ Yevgeny confirmed.

 

Sometimes Mickey felt like he drifted apart from his oldest son because he was so far away, and he fucking hated that feeling. He didn’t care if Yev was twenty one or fucking forty one. He still wanted him to feel like he could come to Mickey - or Svetlana, for that matter - if he needed anything.

 

That’s why he tried to call at least a few times a week to check in and make sure everything was going okay.

 

”Classes good?”

 

_”Yeah”_ Yev said. _”One of my professors is kind of a dick, though”_

 

”Yeah? To you?” Mickey asked.

 

_”No, no. Well, yeah, but not specifically. He bashed the guy next to me for his weight the other day”_

 

”Fucking asshole” Mickey mumbled.

 

_”Yeah”_ Yevgeny sighed.

 

”You’re coming home for christmas, right?”

 

It seemed a little bit early to talk about this but since Yevgeny probably wouldn’t be able to come home before it, Mickey wanted to make sure.

 

_”Yeah, I am. Not sure what day, but I’ll be there. I gotta go, dad. Talk to you soon?”_

 

”Yeah. Love you, bud”

 

_”Love you too, dad. Bye”_

 

Mickey hung up the phone and put it on his nightstand with a sigh.

 

The room was dark and quiet, just like the rest of the house by now. Mickey moved around so that he could lay down with his head on the pillow, staring up at the ceiling.

 

He had actually managed to keep from thinking about Ian ever since the game, but now, when he was alone, it all came back. It felt like the bare walls and the quiet room were shining with Ian’s absence, yet Ian had never set foot in it in the first place.

 

It felt so fucking weird, all of this was weird. It wasn’t normal to still be hung up on an ex boyfriend after twenty years, but Mickey couldn’t fucking help it.

 

It was like a fucking drug.

 

You think you’re doing fine without it and then you get a tiny, tiny taste of the feeling that you used to have in your body all the time, and just like that, you’re hooked once again.

 

Mickey thought back to this morning in the shower. How fucking good it had felt. Not just the jerking off part, but the part where he just gave into it.

 

He thought about Ian’s hand, Ian’s mouth. He had completely given into his need to think about Ian, and it had been great.

 

That had only been a couple of minutes, though.

 

Mickey knew that if he were to give into Ian - like really, really give into him - it wouldn’t end good. Sure, maybe they would be happy for a while, but in the end, Mickey would end up hurt, bleeding and sobbing just like the last time.

 

Despite the fact that he knew this, when his phone started ringing, a number he didn’t recognize lighting up the screen, he sat up.

 

There was only really one person it could really be.

 

Only one person with whom emotional late night phone conversations had once been a nightly thing. Mickey took a deep breath and accepted the call, putting the phone up to his ear.

 

”Mickey?” Ian’s voice poured into his ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated! I personally am in love with this storyline myself, so it's always fun to hear that other people like it too! xo


	4. On Sleepless Roads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey’s head was a complete mess of memories. Good and bad and things that he didn’t even know had been memorable enough for him to store in there. They were there anyway. Flashing before his eyes, reminding him of how fucking happy he had been once upon a time.

Mickey felt like his heart stopped at the sound. Only not in a bad way. His chest hurt because somehow it felt so fucking good to have Ian’s voice in his ear.

 

He felt as if his entire body relaxed as well, and it subtly reminded him of the feeling he had gotten every single night when they had fallen asleep together.

 

”Hey” Mickey finally sighed into the receiver. ”Why are you calling me?” He gnawed at his bottom lip as he awaited an answer.

 

On one hand, he loved the fact that Ian had picked up the phone, but on the other hand, he had thought that they were done. Forever. When Ian had walked out that door, Mickey had taken it as the goodbye they had never really had in the first place. And now, it seemed that Ian wasn’t ready to let go of him yet and it was doing nothing to straighten out his already confused mind.

 

”I guess I just wanted to hear your voice” Ian’s voice came through the line after a beat of silence. Mickey’s eyes closed at the statement for some reason. Maybe in surprise, or maybe just to drink the words in.

 

It was late, and maybe that was the reason for Mickey’s next words. Or maybe he just got really brutally honest when he was tired. Either way, they were out of his mouth and he couldn’t do much to take them back.

 

”Feels good hearing yours” Ian tried to hide his small gasp in surprise, but Mickey caught it. And he could just imagine the grin to go with it. Fuck, it was as if they were back in high school and Mickey didn’t even mind.

 

”Really?” Ian asked, and Mickey hummed, deciding that he would relax a little bit tonight. He didn’t have the energy to pretend that he was completely indifferent to Ian right now. ”Mick?”

 

”Yeah?” Mickey asked, laying back down on top of the covers, staring up at the ceiling. It took a little while before Ian spoke again, but Mickey could almost hear the wheels turning inside of his head over the phone.

 

”Do you remember that time by the abandoned building? That time right before everything happened with Svetlana?”

 

Mickey had a feeling Ian had intended to say anything else, but decided against it. It was probably a good thing, too. Anything that could easily be said in the dead of night over the phone couldn’t quite as easily be forgotten when the sun came back up.

 

But yes, he did remember that time by the abandoned building.

 

 

_Mickey walked up the stairs to the roof, Ian trailing after with a six pack in his hands. He dropped it on the cement and walked closer to Mickey, tugging at his jacket and turning him around._

 

_Their faces ended up close and Mickey couldn’t stop his face from mirroring the grin that was on Ian’s._

 

_”So” Ian said. ”Does this mean I can kiss you all the time now?” He asked, mind flickering back to the quick, perfect kiss in that van. Mickey seemed to think it over for a second, but finally nodded._

 

_”Whenever you want” He confirmed and Ian smiled, closing the distance between their mouths._

 

_They fucked face to face on Ian’s jacket and afterwards, Ian had rolled off of him and they had looked up at the sky._

 

_”Promise me something” Ian had said then, and Mickey had turned to him with a frown on his face, wondering what crazy shit his boyfriend was thinking of now._

 

_”What?” Ian let his hand run down Mickey’s arm, finally lacing their fingers together, and Mickey let him._

 

_”No matter what happens, we’ll always have this” He felt Mickey’s body freeze in surprise. ”Not that we’ll always be together, we don’t know that. But that we’ll always have this…” Ian trailed off, looking for the right word. ”Connection. You and me”_

 

_Mickey eased himself up a little bit, leaning on one arm to look down at Ian._

 

_”I promise”_

 

 

”That was a long time ago, Gallagher” Mickey said, voice wavering.

 

”I know” Ian sighed, voice suddenly sounding very sad. Regretful. ”I just… Remembered it and I wanted to talk to you”

 

Mickey closed his eyes for a minute. Not because he was tired, but just to drown in those words for a moment, appreciate the sound of Ian’s voice. For some reason, it didn’t seem like enough right now. He didn’t want to hear Ian’s voice over the phone, he wanted to have him here. In bed, whispering straight into his ear.

 

Mickey knew that if he said that right now, Ian would most likely be over in fifteen minutes flat, and he couldn’t have that. He couldn’t do that to himself and he couldn’t do that to Ian. Because even if Mickey was confused right now, and he felt something for Ian, that didn’t mean that he wasn’t aware of the fact that getting back together would be a bad idea.

 

A really bad idea.

 

So even if he allowed himself to talk now, listen and drink this feeling in, it wouldn’t go further. It couldn’t.

 

They were quiet for a while, listening to each other breathe and not minding it the slightest bit.

 

”You haven’t changed your mind about that coffee date, have you?” Ian asked, only a tiny sliver of hope in his voice.

 

”No” Mickey said immediately, and just barely resisting the urge to add the word ’ _Sorry_ ’. There was really no reason to, because even if Ian wanted to get back together and didn’t see the cons the way Mickey did right now, he would eventually.

 

Putting aside for a second Mickey’s bad feelings about the whole thing, he couldn’t put his kids through that. He couldn’t put Briana through that especially because of her problems with change. What if Mickey and Ian got back together and were happy for a bit? What would happen when they inevitably broke up? What then?

 

Mickey would end up heartbroken, no doubt, and he and Ian’s relationship would be even more beyond repair than it already was. It would be so much better to just not get into it at all, just like Mickey was fighting so hard for. But when Ian called him late at night, talking into his ear about what used to be, it was so fucking to not just give in. Tell him to come over and kiss him.

 

Mickey clenched his hand into his fist and dug the nails into his palm, just barely keeping the words from spewing out of his mouth. ’ _Come over_ ’ It would be so fucking easy. Two words. Three syllables. And Ian would come over, Mickey had no doubt about that.

 

But he couldn’t.

 

He couldn’t do that, he was too tired now to make any decisions. If he did that now, he would regret it as soon as he woke up, he knew he would.

 

”Alright” Ian sighed over the phone. ”Mickey?” Mickey hummed in response, feeling his eyelids begin to droop. ”I miss us”

 

”I miss you” The honest words were out of Mickey’s mouth before he could think better of it, and he ran a hand over his face, immediately regretting them.

 

”Can I ask you something else?” Ian asked, probably sensing that Mickey was too tired to answer with anything but the truth.

 

”You don’t gotta ask to ask me something, Gallagher. It’s annoying as fuck” Mickey said automatically, dragging a tired chuckle out of the redhead on the other end.

 

”What’s holding you back?”

 

”I can’t go back there” Mickey answered, simply repeating what he had said to Ian the last time they saw each other. It wasn’t a specific answer, nor anything close to the one Ian had probably hoped for, but it was the truth.

 

He couldn’t go back there, and he didn’t know how else to say it. Hell, he didn’t even know himself.

 

All he knew was that when Ian had dumped him, it had been the most depressed he had been in his entire pathetic life. He had missed him and he had sobbed and he had replayed every single happy and sad moment in their entire relationship - including the one on the rooftop of the abandoned building.

 

And in the end, despite all the heartbreak and all the tears, Mickey had come out of it okay. Like a cracked mirror somebody had tried to fix. You could still see the cracks, but it was whole. Okay.

 

It had taken Mickey close to three years to get there, but he _had_ gotten there. And he couldn’t go back there. He had made it, but he wasn’t sure he would be able to handle it a second time.

 

Mickey supposed he could have said all of this out loud, but he had a feeling he didn’t have to. Ian knew, and that was confirmed by Ian’s simple reply.

 

”Okay”

 

”Look, man. I should probably try and get some sleep. Got stuff to do tomorrow” _Lies._ It was a Sunday, Mickey didn’t have shit planned. He was just afraid that if he stayed on the phone with Ian any longer, he would crack on the whole not taking him back thing.

 

”Yeah, of course. Sorry for calling” Ian said, and Mickey found himself shaking his head.

 

”No, man. Don’t worry about it” Mickey said, and he really meant it.

 

He had loved talking to Ian tonight. So much that he knew he had to stop right now, otherwise he would end up uttering those two words that would solve everything for the night being.

 

”Alright. Goodnight, Mick” Mickey’s throat tightened at the use of the nickname.

 

”Night” Mickey sighed and pulled the phone away from his hear, ending the call.

 

He laid there for a while, staring at the black screen, wondering what the fuck just happened. Talking to Ian had been so fucking awkward in a way. But still so good. It felt so good to hear his voice, to imagine his face along with he words he was uttering. Fuck, Mickey didn’t even know what to do with himself anymore.

 

Only five words were clear in his mind. ’ _I can’t go back there_ ’. Because he couldn’t go back there. He just couldn’t.

 

 

Mickey woke up the next morning with the worst headache in the world. Maybe because he had gone to bed way later than he usually did, or maybe his subconscious had been spinning over this whole Ian thing even while he was asleep.

 

Or maybe it was both. Probably both. Most likely both.

 

Mickey sat up and sighed, running his hands down his face and then back up to massage his temples in hope of getting some relief, at least for the moment being. He then looked down at the hardwood floors, seeing the thick stream of sunlight shine in through the window.

 

He rarely saw it like this. Usually he was forced to wake up early enough that it was still dark outside, but today he had the entire day off. Well, except for grocery shopping, doing the dishes and giving Briana a ride to her friend’s later. But that was nothing to him at this point.

 

Mickey let out another deep sigh and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, standing up. He thought about checking his phone, but it was the weekend, he didn’t have to worry about work.

 

And besides, it’s not like he was hoping for a message from somebody. Really. He wasn’t. He ran a hand through his hair and went into the bathroom to take a piss. Afterwards he peeled his black wifebeater off along with the boxers and reached in to turn the shower on, making sure to make the water hot, otherwise he’d never wake up completely.

 

Mickey went over to the huge mirror and looked at himself. His hair was all messed up, and the bags under his eyes were more noticeable now than they had been a few days ago. He looked exactly the way he felt.

 

Exhausted. Tired, confused.

 

Mickey ran both of his hands up his face and through his hair before turning around and stepping into the shower. As soon as he slid the glass door closed he felt the hot water run over his skin, doing it’s best to loosen his muscles up.

 

Ever since he had moved to Miami he had always been obsessed with taking hot showers. It was something he had never really had the opportunity to do in Chicago, at least not like this.

 

Before he could over think it too much, Mickey leaned back against the slick, hot shower wall and wrapped a hand around his erection and tugged at it, dragging a low moan out of himself. His mind immediately drifted to Ian’s perfect mouth and what it would be like to have it wrapped around his cock just one more time.

 

Images of Ian’s pink lips perfectly stretched around his dick flashed before Mickey’s closed eyes and he sped up a little bit, swiping his thumb over the tip. Without really thinking about it, he turned so that his stomach was turned to the wall and keeping one hand pumping his cock, he took the other one and stuck two fingers into his mouth, sucking on them for a bit before reach back, circling his rim with them.

 

If he pretended that it was in fact not his own fingers and that Ian was behind him, it was nobody’s business.

 

He groaned loudly as he worked one finger in, making sure to keep moving his hand along his cock. Mickey kept working the finger in and out of himself, curling it slightly the way Ian used to do - not that he had any idea why he still remembered that shit after all this time, but he did.

 

His forehead was pressed against the shower wall as he worked a second finger in, forgetting about his cock to press that hand against the wall as well, steadying himself as he felt his orgasm creep up on him.

 

He kept moving the fingers in and out of himself, but suddenly, he wasn’t as into it anymore.

 

He felt a tear run down his cheek as the images of Ian’s hands and lips were replaced with images of his smile. His eyes. His fucking hair. Mickey came, but he barely noticed, because by now he was sobbing, as the pictures in his head turned into full on memories.

 

Memories he had told himself didn’t mean anything anymore.

 

The first time they had ever fucked. That time on his bed all those years ago when he had been perched on top of the trembling sixteen year old and looked into his eyes, suddenly completely unable to do anything that would hurt him.

 

That time when they had first fucked face to face, Ian’s green eyes staring into Mickey’s blue ones so intensely that Mickey had wanted to close them, but he hadn’t been able to, because Ian’s eyes had been so fucking beautiful, so innocent. So pure.

 

As Mickey turned around and slid down the wall, more memories flashed by in a complete mess.

 

_”I think I’m in love with you”_

 

_”He isn’t afraid to kiss me”_

 

_”Promise me something”_

 

_”Four years. Minimum”_

 

_”I promise”_

 

_”I don’t want you to…”_

 

_”You think we’re boyfriend and girlfriend here?”_

 

_”You want me to go?”_

 

_”You’re nothing but a warm mouth to me”_

 

_”No, I don’t want you to go”_

 

_”Would you at least look at me?”_

 

_”Don’t”_

 

_”You so love me”_

 

_”Shut the fuck up”_

 

_”Ian, what you and I have…”_

 

_”Come here, army”_

 

_”Makes me free”_

 

_”You’re sick, Ian. I gotta take you to a hospital”_

 

_”You love me. And you’re gay”_

 

_”I didn’t know how important this was to you”_

 

_”This is it”_

 

_”You’re like a fucking wet rat”_

 

_”This is you breaking up with me”_

 

_”I don’t need a fucking caretaker, alright?”_

 

_”Yeah”_

 

_”I need the shit talking, bitch slapping piece of south side trash I fell for!”_

 

_”You happy now?”_

 

_”The fuck is he, Mickey?!”_

 

_”Fuck you”_

 

_”You have to let him go, bro. This isn’t healthy”_

 

He pulled his knees up to his chin as the tears kept falling, blending with the water.

 

Mickey pressed the heels of his palms into his wet eyes until he saw nothing but white, praying for all the pain to just go away.

 

 

About twenty minutes later, Mickey had collected himself the slightest bit. He took a deep breath and pulled a black v neck over his head before tugging on the skinny jeans that apparently were ’so in’ according to Mandy.

 

He ran a hand over his face and grabbed the towel, messily rubbing his hair with it before throwing it back onto the floor, deciding he’d deal with it later. His face showed no signs of the breakdown, but his heart still hurt and he fucking hated himself for it.

 

Fucking Gallagher and his fucking ability to tear right through the walls Mickey always puts up.

 

When Mickey came trudging down the stairs, Briana was already up, sitting on the couch with a bowl of cereal in her hands.

 

”Couldn’t sleep?” Mickey asked, walking past her to get to the kitchen.

 

”No, I just woke up early for some reason” She answered, and Mickey nodded to himself as he walked over to the fridge and grabbed the milk, putting it out onto the kitchen island before walking over to the cabinet to get the oats.

 

Oatmeal had always been his and Yev’s Sunday morning tradition. Neither of the twins would ever touch the stuff, but Mickey still always made it. Maybe because it made him feel closer to his oldest son in a way. Or maybe just because he really liked oatmeal nowadays. Or maybe both.

 

”Do you remember you said you’d drive me to Lena’s later?” Briana asked, coming out into the kitchen to dump her bowl in the sink.

 

”Yeah” Mickey said, pouring the oats into the pot. ”I gotta go to the grocery store anyway. Two hours good?”

 

Briana nodded and went back to the living room to finish the episode of Sex and the City.

 

Mickey’s head was still buzzing with thoughts of Ian. If anything, his mini breakdown this morning had made him more certain than ever that he was doing the right thing by not getting back into that shit. But that still didn’t change the fact that he didn’t have any fucking idea how to get him out of his brain, because apparently Ian didn’t understand the concept of staying away.

 

Although, one could argue that Mickey hadn’t actually said those exact words to him, and there may be a reason for that. If Mickey straight up went over to Ian’s place and yelled at him, telling him to stay away, Ian would. Mickey knew that he would. He was that good of a guy.

 

Which may be one of the reasons why he hadn’t. Mickey knew that he kind of liked having this sort of sort of not contact with Ian and he wasn’t ready to let it go yet. His mind was going back and forth, back and forth.

 

One second he knew that he was still into Ian and that if they got back together, well then… he’d probably be happy. At least for a while. But then the next second he remembered just how terribly it had hurt when Ian had dumped him and he couldn’t imagine it possibly ending any better if they were to try it again.

 

So Mickey decided that no. He wouldn’t get back together with Ian, because there was no fucking way it could end good. And he would inevitably be left, wishing that he had never gone back there in the first place.

 

 

Mickey got home a few hours later to an empty house. He hauled the grocery bags through the hallway and into the kitchen, putting them on the kitchen island with a sigh. The milk was put in the fridge along with the juice before he loaded the dishwasher and unpacked the rest of the things.

 

He never minded this anymore. Small tasks like putting the groceries away were actually pretty therapeutic, something he did just automatically because he had to. At least it normally was.

 

Now it just gave him even more time to think and it fucking sucked.

 

He didn’t know what happened it the shower this morning. It was just as if he had cracked. Completely. Like the pieces of that glued together mirror just all fell simultaneously, revealing the ugly truth underneath.

 

A mirror could never be fixed. It was impossible. Once a mirror broke, it always would be broken. Just like Mickey. He had a feeling that the heartbreak he had suffered through wasn’t just a normal heartbreak. It was more. Maybe depression or something similar, Mickey didn’t know.

 

But he did know that it had taken him years to stop thinking about Ian, and now, well… he realized that just because you stop thinking about somebody, that doesn’t mean that you are in fact over them. It just means that you learned how to live without them.

 

When they thrust back into your life, they will start to occupy your brain again, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

 

Mickey ran a hand over his face and put the eggs in the fridge before getting rid of the bags, putting them under the sink. He obviously wasn’t getting anywhere with this whole Ian thing by himself.

 

He knew what Mandy thought. He knew what Briana thought.

 

But he only knew one person who would always be completely, one hundred percent honest with him. A person who didn’t give a shit about Mickey’s feelings as long as he knew the truth. He sighed and picked up the phone, punching the number in.

 

_”Hello?”_

 

”Hey can you come over? Alone?”

 

_”Do you have wine?”_

 

”Yeah”

 

_”I will be right there”_

 

Mickey sighed and hung up the phone, digging the unopened bottle of wine out and putting it onto the kitchen island along with half a bottle of Jack Daniels that he made sure to hide away so that the twins wouldn’t find it.

 

Svetlana was walking into the kitchen within five minutes and went to the cupboard to retrieve a wine glass before sitting down on a barstool opposite of Mickey.

 

”You need help with something?”

 

”Yeah” Mickey sighed, opening the bottle and filling up Lana’s glass with the wine before filling his scotch glass with the Jack and taking a sip, trying to gather some courage.

 

”Well go on. I do not have all day” Svetlana said after a beat, and Mickey let out another deep sigh.

 

”It’s Ian” He mumbled, not lifting his eyes from the alcohol in his glass. Svetlana hummed, taking a sip of the wine.

 

”You still like him?”

 

”I…” Mickey started. ”Yeah, I do. But I don’t think it would be a good idea to try that shit again”

 

”You are right” Lana stated, and Mickey frowned, lifting his head to finally look at her.

 

It was so different from what others had been telling him, but oddly enough it was exactly what he needed to hear. He didn’t want to hear ’ _Oh, but he loves you_ ’ or ’ _Maybe he’s changed_ ’. He wanted to hear the truth. He needed the truth.

 

”What do you mean?” Mickey asked then, and Svetlana shrugged, taking another gulp of the red wine.

 

”I have seen you two in love. A long time ago. Orange boy broke your heart” She said, and Mickey snorted at the nickname she surely used only to get that reaction out of him. ”It’s not a good idea to go back there. What if it happens again? It hurt Mandy to see you that sad…” Lana trailed off for a moment. ”I didn’t like it very much either”

 

Mickey smiled at her tiredly. They never said it, hell they never even showed it - but Mickey and Svetlana had been through a fuckload of shit together. And they loved each other, even though they would never say it in a million years.

 

”Mandy wants us to get back together” Mickey grumbled before lifting the glass of whiskey to his lips.

 

”Do not listen to your sister. She only misses how things were. They will never be that way again. With or without orange boy” Mickey nodded to himself before parting his lips slightly, wondering whether it would be a good idea to ask or not. Ay, fuck it.

 

”You think we’d be happy?” Svetlana nodded immediately.

 

”Yeah. For a while. Is it worth it?”

 

It was a rhetorical question, because they both knew the answer. No. No, it wasn’t worth it. Six months or a year of happiness wasn’t worth three more years of crying and sobbing and feeling like his heart was being ripped out of his chest.

 

Which was exactly the reason why he was struggling so hard with this.

 

”Decide” Svetlana suddenly said, and Mickey frowned, looking her in the eyes.

 

”Huh?”

 

”Decide. You are confused, undecided. I can’t tell you to be with him or not to be with him, but I am telling you to decide for you. Decide to try it again, or decide to stay away. But decide. You can’t keep going like this” Mickey frowned even harder. _Decide._

 

That had to be the best fucking piece of advice he had gotten so far. It was so simple, and it sounded stupid, but it was good advice. Right now he was wavering back and forth. Talking to Ian, thinking about Ian. Crying over Ian. If he decided once and for all to get back together with him or not to get back together with him, then he couldn’t change his mind.

 

He could focus all of his energy into what he had decided instead of walking around like a zombie, weighing the pros and the cons of all of it.

 

”Think that’s the best fucking advice I’ve gotten so far” He chuckled out loud, taking another sip of his drink.

 

”It is that simple. Can I ask you something?” Mickey nodded. ”You still love him?” Svetlana’s question caught him off guard, but all he could do was nod.

 

”Yeah. I don’t think that kind of shit ever really just goes away” Svetlana nodded and swallowed the last bit of the wine before standing up.

 

”Then decide” She said, walking around the kitchen island to press a kiss to his cheek. ”I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow”

 

”See ya” Mickey answered, lifting his glass to his lips, feeling the wheels in his head turn.

 

_Decide._

 

Two options. Pick one.

 

In theory it was so fucking simple, but now the most he thought about it, he realized that maybe it wasn’t. A part of him just wanted to ignore the voices that told him getting back together would be a bad idea.

 

That part just wanted to grab his shoes and run over to Ian’s place and kiss him. But the bigger part of Mickey knew that he would regret that. Sooner or later.

 

Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but one day, one of them would rip the other’s heart out of his chest, and they would both be left cursing themselves for not just leaving it alone.

 

As if the universe was laughing at him, Mickey’s phone beeped right then and there, signaling a text message.

 

 **Ian:** _I’m gonna ask you once more, and then I’ll stop bothering you. Will you let me take you out on a date?_

 

Mickey sighed, running his hands over his face, seconds away from grabbing the open wine bottle and smashing it against the white brick wall. Thankfully, he stopped himself. That would have been a bitch to clean up.

 

It would be so fucking easy to just type a ’ _Yes_ ’ or an ’ _Ok_ ’. It would be so fucking easy to just decide to ignore the truth for some temporary kind of happiness.

 

But despite Mickey’s fingers twitching, wanting to do just that, he knew that he couldn’t. A year and a half from now when he was heartbroken, sobbing, with Ian nowhere to be seen, he would never be able to forgive himself for giving into it.

 

For going back there.

 

Mickey still felt like a fucking drug addict. He was doing fine without Ian. Perfect, actually. But now when he was back, Mickey was struggling so fucking hard not to just take a piece of him. To just try it. Just have it once more.

 

Why the fuck couldn’t he go to some kind of AA meeting for this shit? He felt like he needed to.

 

Mickey’s head was a complete mess of memories. Good and bad and things that he didn’t even know had been memorable enough for him to store in there. They were there anyway. Flashing before his eyes, reminding him of how fucking happy he had been once upon a time.

 

Reminding him off all the good times. Reminding him of the bad times and the painful times.

 

When he had come out, when Ian had gotten sick. All of it. The kisses, the laughs, the hugs, the orgasms. It all came back to him, driving him completely insane. Svetlana’s words echoed in his head along with Mandy’s, only making him even more confused.

 

Finally, Mickey sighed and typed out a response.

 

 **Mickey:** _No_

 

He gnawed on the inside of his bottom lip right as he message sent, and he wondered whether he had done the right thing. He had.

 

It was the right thing, it had to be.

 

Despite that fact, his fingers were twitching again, typing out another message and before he could even really think it through, it was sent.

 

 **Mickey:** _But you’re not bothering me_

 

So much for picking a side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The crying scene wasn't actually planned, but I was listening to Hnscc by The 1975 and it just happened. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are - as always! - very welcome and appreciated! Hope you all have an amazing day <3


	5. Boomerang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey sighed at the soft, beautiful sound of his voice and laid down, staring up at the ceiling instead of out into the dark room. It was true. He wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to jump back into a relationship with Ian and he certainly wasn’t ready to let him go again.

**Ian:** _What does that mean?_

 

It had been almost five hours since Mickey had received Ian’s last text message, and he hadn’t answered. It wasn’t that he was ignoring the guy, he just didn’t know what the fuck to say back.

 

_'What does that mean?'_

 

It was a simple enough question, really. Yet, Mickey didn’t have an answer. He didn’t know what it meant. Ian wasn’t bothering him, but Mickey wasn’t ready to get back together or go on a date, and he wasn’t sure that he would ever be.

 

No matter what feelings may be lingering in his heart. But despite that, he couldn’t tell Ian to fuck off. He couldn’t tell him that he didn’t want him and that he should just go away and never contact Mickey again. Because Ian would. If Mickey said that, if Mickey was that fucking crystal clear, Ian would back off.

 

That was the exact reason why Mickey couldn’t say that, because he didn’t want Ian to back off. He wasn’t ready to be without Ian again, even though they hadn’t seen each other more than a couple of times.

 

Maybe telling Ian that he wasn’t bothering him was Mickey’s way of saying ’ _I’m not ready yet, but don’t give up on me_ ’. Not that he had actually registered that, it was all subconscious.

 

He was sitting on a barstool in the kitchen as the dinner was cooking, staring down at that fucking message. It was so fucking simple. Short. But Mickey still didn’t know what the fuck to do about it.

 

He couldn’t just ignore it forever, that would be kind of crappy. He had to answer eventually, and if he knew Ian right - which he didn’t really know if he did anymore - he was walking around his place, looking towards his phone every few seconds.

 

Ian was just as paranoid about saying or texting the wrong thing as Mickey was - well, he used to be anyway. Mickey had to remind himself that it had been twenty fucking years since… then. Because for some reason whenever he was with Ian, whether they were face to face, or over the phone, it didn’t feel like it at all.

 

It felt like it all happened yesterday, which was good in a way, Mickey thought. By now he had established that the feelings were still there, which was incredibly bittersweet. But feeling as if everything happened yesterday also meant that the pain was still there.

 

Mickey didn’t exaggerate when he said that he had felt like his heart had been ripped out and stomped on. When Ian dumped him, he had physically felt the ache in his chest, and it lasted for almost three years before it went away.

 

Now it was back again. Like a fucking boomerang. And Mickey knew that twenty years was a long time, and that he shouldn’t still hold a grudge for Ian, and he wasn’t. He wasn’t angry at Ian for dumping him, that was water under the bridge. But that didn’t mean that he wanted to end up there again. He didn’t want to be like the pain. He didn’t want to be a boomerang that just came flying back to Ian whenever.

 

Mickey’s fingers twitched, wanting to type out a message to send. Maybe ’ _Don’t give up_ ’ or even ’ _It means I still fucking love you, jackass_ ’.

 

But ultimately, he couldn’t do that to himself.

 

Maybe at some point in the future he would grow the balls, but not now. Mickey sighed and locked his phone, putting it face down onto the marble counter top before standing up and focusing all of his energy on cooking the food.

 

”Hey” Briana said, coming straight into the dining part of the room through the backdoor, throwing her bag down onto the floor before sitting down on one of the stools.

 

”Hey” Mickey said, shaking the frying pan a little bit before turning around to face her. ”You okay?” Briana ran a hand down her face, but nodded.

 

”Yeah, yeah. Just tired. Brian home yet?”

 

”Up in his room” Mickey answered, going over to the fridge to grab the milk.

 

Briana lifted her bag up from the floor before exiting the kitchen and going up the stairs, leaving Mickey alone again. Despite Briana’s entrance and the food that needed to be cooked, Mickey’s mind was still very much on Ian, and he knew that he wouldn’t be able to get rid of him.

 

It was was if Ian and all of their history had climbed inside of Mickey’s head and fucking carved themselves in his brain, making sure that he would never be able to forget. The worst part? Mickey didn’t want to forget.

 

As painful as a lot of the memories were, there were a fuck ton of good ones, too.

 

Their first kiss and their first make out session that night oh so long ago when Ian spent the night. Mickey winced when he remembered what had happened the morning after, but he quickly pushed it out of his head.

 

Mickey liked to remember their first ’ _I love you_ ’, too.

 

It had been a couple of weeks after Ian had gotten out of that first depression. They had been in bed, having breakfast, being lazy. Ian had wrestled Mickey down onto the mattress, holding his hands over his head, and he had said it. Mickey had said it back.

 

And they had been so fucking happy that day. Mickey sighed deeply.

 

That was a long time ago. He had to remember that. He had to remember what Svetlana had said. ’ _It will never be that way again_ ’.

 

She was right.

 

Even if Mickey and Ian somehow found a way to be together, to be happy, it would never be that way again. They weren’t the same people, and their lives were so different. Mickey even started to wonder if he really loved and missed Ian.

 

Did he? Or did he just miss his old life to some kind of degree?

 

Being young and stupid with Ian. He would never have that again, he couldn’t. But then, as Mickey shook the pan again, Ian’s smile slipped into his mind. His hair, his voice. And he knew he loved him. There was no getting around that. But that still didn’t mean that he could just jump back into a relationship with him.

 

He wasn’t ready, and he probably wouldn’t be for a long, long time. And around, and around Mickey’s thoughts went. He couldn’t even begin to count the times the phrase ’ _I can’t go back there_ ’ had spun around in his brain. It was giving him a fucking headache.

 

 

Once the food was eaten, Brian and Briana were up in their rooms again, leaving Mickey to clean up and put everything away. That fucking text message still gnawed at him. He knew he was being an ass when he could just simply send Ian a ’ _I don’t know yet_ ’ or a ’ _It means what I fucking said_ ’. But he wanted to send something that would send them forwards.

 

Not towards a relationship, necessarily. But just something that would help them both begin their walk out of this incredibly weird spot their were in with each other. Mickey was actually starting to rethink his answer regarding the coffee date. Would it really be the worst thing in the world? To go have a coffee with Ian? Catch up some more? Talk? Try to figure this out somehow? It probably wouldn’t be.

 

It would probably be pretty nice, but Mickey still couldn’t bring himself to pick up that phone and send a text message to Ian. Much less one that would put him right back where he was twenty years ago.

 

For people outside, Svetlana, hell, even Mandy - it may seem that he was being a stubborn idiot. And yeah, he was. But even though they had seen the pain Mickey had been in all those years ago, they never felt it.

 

They never knew quite how many nights he had spent sobbing into his pillow. How badly his chest had ached with the redhead’s absence. And Mickey was scared. Terrified to end up there again.

 

Because if he did, he wasn’t sure he would have the strength to get himself out of that hole again. Fuck, he still probably had a foot in.

 

When the kitchen counter was clean and the foot put away, Mickey turned around, eyeing the phone that was still laying face down on the kitchen island. He took a deep breath and wiped his wet hands on his jeans before walking over and grabbing it, realizing he had a new message.

 

 **Ian:** _If I’m not bothering you then why aren’t you answering? Mickey, what’s going on with us?_

 

Mickey sighed, walking out of the kitchen to the couch and sitting down, never taking his eyes off of the screen. He could almost hear Ian’s soft voice saying those words. Wondering what was going on inside of Mickey’s head.

 

The darkness was slowly falling outside, leaving Mickey in the dark house with the screen lighting up his face. He ran a hand through his hair before thumbing his bottom lip in thought. He wanted to answer.

 

He wanted to let Ian know everything that he was thinking with all of this shit, but he couldn’t. Mickey barely knew what he was thinking himself. Still, before long, a message was typed out onto his phone screen.

 

 **Mickey:** _Because I don’t know what the fuck to say._

 

It was simple, honest. Mickey sent it before he could over think the action, and then he locked his phone and stood up, pushing it into his back pocket. He tried to forget about it and went up the stairs, knocking on Brian’s door.

 

”Yeah” The voice came muffled from the other side, so Mickey opened the door and walked in.

 

Brian was laying on his stomach with his feet on the pillow, laptop in front of him.

 

”You’re not staying up too late, right?”

 

In the beginning, when he had first started parenting Yev and the twins, he had winced whenever something so… parent sounding had come out of his mouth. He kind of liked it, now, though.

 

Because he had never had the chance to have something like that. He had never had somebody who knocked on his door and told him to go to bed so that he wouldn’t be tired the next day. Mickey had never had a big house or a reason to go to school, or parents, really.

 

He wanted his kids to have that, which was one of the bigger reasons why he had changed so much in the past years.

 

”Yeah. I’m just gonna finish this essay” Brian said, and Mickey nodded.

 

”Alright. Goodnight. See you tomorrow, bud” Brian nodded.

 

”Night, dad”

 

Mickey closed the door behind him and then went past his own door to knock on Briana’s. It took a second, but finally he heard the muffled ’ _Come in_ ’. She was sitting on her bed, leaning against the headboard with her phone in her hands.

 

”I was just gonna check if you’re going to bed” Mickey said, leaning in the doorway.

 

”Uh… yeah” Briana said without looking up as her fingers ran across her phone.

 

”Alright. Night, bud” Mickey said, not feeling the need to bother her any more.

 

”Night, dad. Love you” She said.

 

”Love you too” Mickey said before closing the door and slipping the phone out of his pocket, unlocking it as he went down the stairs. Ian hadn’t answered yet. Mickey gnawed on the inside of his bottom lip, before finally realizing exactly what he needed tonight.

 

He’d fucking hate himself for it as soon as he woke up with a pounding headache, but he needed it.

 

 **Mickey:** _Twins are in bed. Come over. Bring the fucking weed._

 

He fired off the text to his sister before making his way out into the kitchen to dig out the bottle of Jack Daniels he had just hid away again a few hours ago.

 

 **Mandy:** _Want me to bring the vodka?_

 

 **Mickey:** _Bring whatever you got._

 

Mickey didn’t plan on getting completely pissed while his kids were still in the house, sleeping or not. But he did need something to take the edge off. Getting buzzed with his sister would do just fine.

 

He grabbed the bottle of Jack and turned the light off before walking out into the living room and sitting down on the couch. Mickey tried to pretend that his pocket wasn’t itching with the absent response from Ian. He would answer soon, he had to.

 

It wasn’t really right to be worried about this shit, Mickey had decided he would let it go, let Ian go. But then he had to add that fucking text. ’ _But you’re not bothering me_ ’. What the fuck did that even mean?

 

It was as if his brain was determined to make this so much more complicated than it had to be. When it came down to it, Mickey only really had two options. He could let Ian go, or be with him.

 

Neither was something Mickey was ready for right now and it fucking sucked.

 

He took a deep breath and screwed the top off of the bottle, taking a swing. He needed to relax, shut his brain off for a few hours. Finally, after way more minutes than it really should have taken, Mandy busted in through the front door, arms filled with weed, bottles of alcohol and what looked to be a packet of coke.

 

”Fucking perfect” Mickey said, reaching for the weed. Mandy sat down on the other side of the L shaped couch and laughed.

 

”Good idea, bro. We both need this” She said, reaching for the remote to turn the television on, finding some random cartoon to have in the background while they got trashed - well, Mandy planned to get trashed, anyway. Mickey finished rolling the joint and lit it, leaning back against the couch as he breathed it.

 

”Yeah, we do” He spoke the smoke out and handed the joint over to Mandy.

 

”Any news about Ian?” Mandy asked, taking a swing of the bottle of vodka before taking a second puff of the drug.

 

”Mandy…” Mickey almost whined. He had wanted to get buzzed to get his mind off of the redhead, not to have a seemingly deep conversation to his sister about it, but after all these years, he could tell where this was heading.

 

”What? You told me-” Mandy let out something in between a burp and a hiccup, the vodka mixed with the couple swings of Jack already doing its job. She’d always been a fucking lightweight. ”You told me to stay out of it, I’m staying out of it, but I want updates”

 

Mickey sighed, reaching for the joint. Mandy handed it over and he took a puff before speaking.

 

”Waiting for a text back” He said simply, deciding not to tell her about the phone call, there was no point. And maybe there was a small part of him that wished to keep that just between Ian and himself. How fucked up was that?

 

”You texted him?” Mandy asked, pushing the alcohol aside for a second and just focusing on the joint that was now back in her hand. She curled up further on the brown couch, folding her legs under her body.

 

”No. He texted me” Mickey said, rolling another joint for himself because reaching for it was getting fucking annoying.

 

”Can I see?” She asked, reaching for the phone that was now laying on the sofa table next to the bottle of whiskey.

 

”Fuck no” Mickey cursed, picking it up and putting it beside him on the couch. Mandy rolled her eyes and reached for the bottle of Jack, taking a large swing of the stinging liquid.

 

”Are you at least not making an ass of yourself?” She asked, and Mickey sighed.

 

”I’m not making a fucking ass of myself” He confirmed.

 

Was he? No, he wasn’t. Right? Mickey could feel his head begin to spin again and it wasn’t because of the booze. He shut it all off as good as he could and took another puff of the weed.

 

”Mick?” Mandy said after a beat of silence. Her head was tilted backwards over the couch, eyes on the ceiling as the smoke escaped out through her nose. The drugs were definitely doing their job on her.

 

”Yeah?” Mickey asked, eyes on the dumb cartoons now.

 

”Sometimes I think that we waste our words and we waste our moments, the time we have…” She trailed off, lifting her head up to look at her brother. ”And we don’t take the time to say the things we need to when we have the chance”

 

Mickey blew two smoke rings out of his mouth, eyes never leaving hers. You could never know what Mandy you would meet when she did drugs. Sometimes she got chatty, and sometimes she got angry. Sometimes she got sad. And then once in a while, she became this.

 

Smart.

 

Mandy had always been a smart person, but Mickey had a feeling she didn’t say half the things that ran through her mind. Sure, if she saw somebody dressed like a whore she would have no trouble pointing that out, but things like this weren't the same thing.

 

Deep thoughts, almost quotable things would come out of her mouth when she was high sometimes.

 

Mickey and their brothers had always laughed at it when they were younger, but nowadays, he often realized that a lot of it wasn’t bullshit. ’ _We waste our words and we waste our moments_.’ Mickey frowned.

 

Was he wasting time? Was all of this back and forth shit completely unnecessary? Should he just go for it? Should he just run over to Ian’s place right now and say how he felt? That he still loved him? Even in his more than buzzed state, Mickey recognized it as a bad idea, and he pushed it out of his head.

 

That was until his phone beeped next to his thigh.

 

”That him?” Mandy spoke some smoke out.

 

”Yeah” Mickey said, looking down at the screen.

 

 **Ian:** _Can I call you?_

 

Mickey sighed, picking up the phone.

 

”He wants to call me”

 

”You want to talk to him?” Mandy asked, taking another swing of the Jack. Mickey let out another deep sigh and thumbed his bottom lip before running a hand throughout his hair.

 

”Yeah” Mickey had to.

 

If he just kept avoiding Ian then they would never get anywhere. And Mickey wanted to get somewhere. He wasn’t sure where or why, but he couldn’t stay in this weird middle stage. It was way too confusing for him to deal with much longer.

 

”Alright. I’m gonna head home” Mandy said, standing up. ”Oh” She said when she almost fell back down again. Mickey chuckled, handing her the coke and the bottle of vodka. The weed was gone by now, she hadn’t brought much.

 

”Think you need to crash on the couch?” Mickey asked, but Mandy shook her head.

 

”Nah, bro. I’m good” She said and walked to the front door - surprisingly steady on her feet - and went out of the house, heading back to hers.

 

Mickey took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second. Finally, he went to Ian’s contact and pressed the call button. He flicked the remaining lights off in the house and went up the stairs, making his way to his bedroom as he waited for Ian to pick up. Mickey had just closed the door behind him when Ian’s voice came through the line.

 

 _”Hey, Mick”_ Mickey fought not to close his eyes and replay that sound over and over in his head until he got tired of it. Which would probably never happen, he realized now. He took his jeans off and kicked them to the side to get more comfortable as he got up on his bed.

 

”Hey” He finally said back, eyes looking out into the dark room. ”I’m sorry”

 

The words were out before he was even aware he wanted to say them. But now that they had traveled to Ian’s ear, he realized that yes, he needed to say them. All of this was confusing, and a lot of it was because of him. Ian wanted to get back together, happily ever after, riding into the sunset, shit like that. He had made that pretty clear.

 

Mickey was the one holding them back, and he was never good with words so it was very hard to get Ian to understand why that was. And besides, Ian had asked him out twice now, and he had turned him down with a firm ’ _No_ ’ both times. Well, practically, anyway.

 

So yeah. It felt good to get the ’ _I’m sorry’_ out of his mouth, because he really fucking meant it, and he didn’t throw those two words around more than _those three words._

 

 _”For what?”_ Ian asked, and Mickey snorted in amusement.

 

”You fucking know what for, asshole”

 

This was one of those times when Mickey was amazed at how easy it was to talk to Ian despite them being apart for so many years. He could throw insults around, and he knew that Ian would never take them to heart because it was just who Mickey was. It was who Ian was, too, to a degree.

 

 _”It’s okay”_ Ian whispered, and it actually sounded like he meant it.

 

Mickey wouldn’t have believed the words coming from anybody else, but he couldn’t imagine Ian lying to him about something like that. Especially not now.

 

 _”I understand”_ Ian added then. _”You’re not ready”_

 

Mickey sighed at the soft, beautiful sound of his voice and laid down, staring up at the ceiling instead of out into the dark room. It was true. He wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to jump back into a relationship with Ian and he certainly wasn’t ready to let him go again.

 

It was confusing, and annoying, but that’s where Mickey currently was with all of this shit, and just like Ian had said, that was okay. It had to be.

 

”I’m really not” Mickey breathed, once again not aware the words were even in his brain before they were out of his mouth. The next words he thought over carefully, though. He thumbed his bottom lip in thought and nervousness before he finally just spit them out. ”But I don’t wanna let you go either”

 

It was probably both the booze and the weed making him this brutally honest, but he kind of loved it. It felt good - to let Ian know exactly how he felt. He heard Ian’s tiny gasp in surprise, and Mickey gnawed on the inside of his bottom lip as he waited for an answer. It was the truth.

 

He had been aware that it was the truth for a few days now, it had just been hard to be completely honest with Ian about it. To say what he said the night of the dinner, it had been easy. Fuck, he had even believed it himself.

 

He had said that he was over Ian and that he didn’t want him back in his life. But no matter how much he had believed it then, he knew that it hadn’t been the truth. He had just pushed his feelings for Ian so far down that he had thought that they were truly gone. But feelings like that, they didn’t do that.

 

They didn’t just vanish, it didn’t work that way.

 

Sure, you can learn to live without a person, the way Mickey had. He hadn’t walked around the house thinking of Ian for the past twenty years, it wasn’t like that at all. But in the end, if you really - like really, really - love somebody once, you always will.

 

Mickey had loved Ian back then and he still did. Maybe one day he would even be ready to try again, if Ian was still in his life. But for now, quiet late night phone calls and texting was all he could take.

 

 _”I’m not going anywhere”_ Came Ian’s answer after a beat of silence.

 

’ _You don’t know that. I don’t know that_ ’ Mickey wanted to say. He didn’t, though. Because right now, in the darkness and the loneliness of his own bedroom, the words felt comforting. Warm. Like maybe, somehow, they could end up being the truth.

 

Mickey sighed, shifting around a little bit to pull the covers up to his chin. He heard Ian breathe, and he closed his eyes, drinking in the sound. The words were there on the tip of his tongue again, just like the last time they had talked on the phone. ’ _Come over_ ’

 

Mickey shook his head a little bit to try to get rid of the thought. He couldn’t do that. He wouldn’t do that. For now, this was good. They weren’t fucking, or even seeing each other face to face, but they had contact. They talked. And honestly, Mickey had fucking missed just listening to Ian’s voice.

 

”Good” Mickey finally said, knowing he’d probably want to punch himself in the face tomorrow morning for being this honest. But right now, it still felt so fucking good. Kind of like they were back on the south side, being young and stupid. Calling each other late at night when they knew no family members would be listening in.

 

 _”I missed you”_ Mickey could almost hear the smile in Ian’s voice. _”Every single day for the past twenty years”_

 

”Ian” Mickey warned, and he heard his sigh.

 

_”Sorry”_

 

They were both exhausted, saying things that they probably never would have said when they were well rested. It was as if that filter disappeared, the one that told you what to do and say and what not to.

 

It wasn’t that they didn’t mean what was coming out of their mouths, it was that they _did._ Everything was so fucking honest that it could be harmful.

 

”It’s okay” Mickey said, closing his eyes. ”I missed you too” He sighed, already half asleep. ”Your fucking smile. Your voice”

 

 _”I miss your laugh”_ Ian’s husky voice came through the line. _”And those lips”_

 

”Ian” Mickey warned again, awaking a little bit. This was stupid. Really fucking stupid.

 

They shouldn’t be falling asleep while on the phone, telling the other what they miss and love about each other. Much less go into… that territory.

 

 _”I know”_ Ian stated before sighing. _”I’m sorry”_

 

Mickey was more awake now, reminding himself that whatever he said now, Ian would most likely remember tomorrow. He couldn’t get too mushy, it wasn’t right. He didn’t even know if it was him or the booze and weed talking anymore.

 

It was probably him, but it was easier to blame it all on the alchohol.

 

Mickey ran a hand up and down his face, trying to wake himself up a little bit more.

 

 _”I know how much I hurt you”_ The words startled Mickey, but they more so confused him. He didn’t really know where Ian was going with this and he wasn’t sure that he wanted to.

 

”What?” He asked, furrowing his brows.

 

 _”I know how much I hurt you. And why it's hard for you to be ready for this again”_ Ian repeated, voice still rough. Tired. _”I just wanted you to know that. I mean, I know I apologized the night of the dinner, but I don’t even think I ever said that. And I also wanted you to know that when you’re ready - ”_

 

”Ian” Mickey said, voice soft now. He really didn’t need to hear this.

 

 _”No, let me finish”_ Ian stated, and Mickey sat up in the bed, biting at his bottom lip in confusion. _”When or if you’re ready to try this again, try_ us _again… I’ll never do anything like that again. I’d do anything to make you happy because…”_ Ian trailed off, and Mickey just knew what was coming.

 

He could have stopped it. He _should_ have stopped it. But he didn’t.

 

 _”I love you”_ Ian’s voice came through the line. _”Now and twenty years ago and every single day in between”_

 

Mickey closed his eyes, a tear steadily running down his cheek at the sound. Hearing those words after so fucking long, it was so bittersweet. Mickey didn’t know what to do with that.

 

”I can’t do this right now” Mickey said, and he just knew by Ian’s sigh that Ian heard he was crying.

 

That’s how fucking well they knew each other even after all this time.

 

 _”I’m not asking for anything back. I just really wanted to say that”_ Ian said.

 

Well, at least he wasn’t expecting anything in return. Mickey felt incredibly relieved at that, because he would have been able to give him anything, he wouldn’t have been able to say those words out loud right now even if he had wanted to.

 

It wasn’t that he didn’t still feel them, of course he fucking did.

 

But just like jumping into a relationship with Ian again, Mickey just wasn’t ready. And he couldn’t imagine being ready for a long time.

 

 _”Don’t cry, Mick”_ Ian’s soft voice poured into Mickey’s ear, and it made him chuckle as he wiped the couple of tears that had made its way down his face.

 

”The fuck am I supposed to do with that?” Mickey finally asked, feeling his eyelids grow heavy again. He heard Ian sigh, and he could imagine the soft smile on his face.

 

They were quiet for another few seconds, listening to each other breathe. Mickey couldn’t possibly remember all the late night conversations they had had, but he did remember how they made him feel.

 

Warm, happy. Safe. They made him feel like _this._

 

Twenty fucking years. So much shit had changed. They were in fucking Miami of all places. But one thing was still there, Mickey’s feelings for Ian.

 

Mickey wasn’t even close to ready to throw himself back into Ian’s obviously open arms, and he didn’t know that he ever would be. But the feelings were still there, he couldn’t deny that anymore.

_”Take those words and go to sleep”_ Ian finally whispered, and that’s exactly what Mickey did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a filler chapter, but I needed to get it out because shit is going to go down in the next one!


	6. Nothing Good Ever Happens After 2AM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”Alright, fuck, come here, baby” He didn’t mean to use the nickname, it was a force of habit, and while a part of Mickey wanted to freak out and run out of there, he forced himself not to. It was a slip, and they both knew that.

Ian and Mickey didn’t talk at all the next day, and Mickey was incredibly relieved at that. It wasn’t that he was avoiding Ian per say, it was just that hearing those three words again, it was confusing. Overwhelming, even, and Mickey really needed some time to melt them before he could have contact with Ian again.

 

It didn’t come as a shock that Ian still felt that way about him, but Mickey was surprised that he actually had had the balls to say it, just like that.

 

His head was spinning as he loaded the dishwasher, forcing himself to finish the task before he could finally go to bed.

 

It had been bad enough when Mickey had been confused about how he had felt about all of this. But now there was not a single fucking doubt left about how Ian felt and somehow, it made everything even more hazey.

 

Mickey just couldn’t decide if he loved the fact that Ian had said he loved him, or if he wished that he would have just kept the words to himself. He sighed and ran a hand over his face, closing the dishwasher and deciding he’d turn it on tomorrow morning.

 

Mickey made sure the front door was all locked up before he turned off the lights and made his way up to his bedroom, shedding his shirt and pants on the way over to the big, inviting bed. He threw himself back onto it, on top of the covers and let out a deep sigh.

 

How the fuck did he get here?

 

It hadn’t even been two whole fucking weeks since he had first spotted Ian at that coffee shop, and it felt as if it had been years, decades even. Mickey ran his hands over his jaw and his face, up to his hair, threading his fingers through it.

 

He turned his head, eyeing the phone on the nightstand. It would be so fucking easy to pick it up and call. Maybe even ask him to come over, just for tonight. But he couldn’t. It wouldn’t get him anywhere good.

 

Mickey sighed again and closed his eyes, lazily letting a hand slip into his boxers, running his finger tips over his soft cock. His mind drifted to the memory of one of the many nights he and Ian had had together all those years ago.

 

It had been right after they had started doing the kissing thing. They had been up on that fucking rooftop, Ian behind Mickey, thrusting into him, hitting his prostate every single time. His lips had been on the back of Mickey’s neck, sending shivers down his spine at the comforting feeling.

 

That had to be one of Mickey’s favorite memories. Of that kind anyway. There were a ton of others. Soft ones. But Mickey promptly pushed that thought out of his head and his thoughts went back to Ian’s cock. Ian’s mouth.

 

Mickey lifted his hand to his mouth, licking the palm before pushing his boxers down to wrap his hand around his quickly hardening dick. He jerked it, slowly at first, swiping his thumb over the tip now and then. Mickey’s head was tilted back into his pillow, images of Ian flashing before his eyes. His perfect fucking lips and how they looked wrapped around Mickey’s cock.

 

He remembered the first time he had allowed Ian to blow him. It had been in the back of the Kash and Grab, about a month after they had first started hooking up. Mickey had been standing facing the shelves, waiting for Ian to just get it over with.

 

Not because he didn’t want to fuck or because he didn’t want it to last, but because he had still been so fucking paranoid about them getting caught. But Ian had grabbed him by the shoulders and turned him around, sinking down onto his knees.

 

Mickey let out a small groan at the memory of both the feeling and the image. How fucking amazing it had felt to have a man’s - well, boy’s back then - lips wrapped around his cock for the first time.

 

Ian had blinked up at him and he had looked so fucking innocent, so fucking pure. Mickey couldn’t possibly have enough space in his head to store all the times he and Ian had fucked or all the times Ian had sucked him off. Much less exactly what it had looked like or felt like.

 

But that time… Mickey had a feeling he would have that image burned into his brain until the day that he died.

 

Mickey dug his teeth into his bottom lip to keep from making too much noise as he sped up, adding a little twist to his wrist once in a while. He pushed out the part of him that liked to remind him that shit was way too complicated between him and Ian right now to be jerking off to the thought of him.

 

Instead, he clamped his eyes shut even harder, stopping his hand and circling the tip of his cock with his thumb, imagining that it was Ian’s tongue. ”Fuck” Mickey sighed and opened his eyes, letting go of his now throbbing cock completely.

 

He looked up at the ceiling, trying to catch his breath from his almost orgasm. He didn’t want to come like this, not by just jerking off. Mickey needed to have something in his ass and if it wouldn’t be Ian’s cock, it had to be the closest thing to it.

 

He turned onto his stomach and opened the first drawer of his nightstand, finding the lube along with the blue dildo that he had gotten a couple of years back. He didn’t use it very often, because he made sure to get laid regularly and so just jerking off usually pleased him enough in between.

 

But now, with everything going on, he hadn’t gotten a cock in his ass in a long time, and he fucking hated himself for it, because even if he were to find someone to fuck - that wasn’t Ian - he had a sinking feeling he wouldn’t be able to go through with it.

 

Mickey shook the depressing thoughts from his head and pulled his knees up to stand as his upper body was still resting on the bed. He prepared two fingers with the lube and then threw the tube to the side, reaching back to circle his rim.

 

Mickey’s eyes fell closed at the feeling as he kept teasing himself, imagining that his fingers weren’t his own. His face was buried in the pillow as he worked the first finger into his tight hole, moaning at the feeling.

 

He kept fucking himself with one finger for a while, to extend the teasing. A part of him knew that that’s what Ian would do. He would keep teasing Mickey until he was begging, until he barely remembered his own name.

 

Mickey’s teeth returned to his bottom lip, biting it along with the pillow to keep quiet as he inserted his index finger next to his middle one, working himself open. He started scissoring the fingers, stretching himself good and ready for the toy. Mickey’s free hand was over his head, holding onto the metal headboard, his knuckles turning white.

 

A third finger easily slipped in next to the other two and he kept fucking himself with them, mind still very much on Ian. Mickey’s eyes were clenched shut as he imagined Ian working him open instead.

 

His hands were much bigger than Mickey’s own, the fingers were longer and he always - fucking always - knew where Mickey’s buttons were, which to push and which to stay away from.

 

Soon, Mickey lifted his head from the fabric and eased his fingers out of his stretched hole, lazily wiping them free of lube on the black covers next to him. He sighed, letting go of the headboard to reach down between his legs and give his aching cock a few strokes, easing some of the tension.

 

Mickey let go of it and reached for the dildo and the lube, slicking the toy up as good as he could before throwing the lubricant aside again. He took a deep breath and gripped the metal with one hand again, pressing the dildo against his stretched hole.

 

Mickey’s teeth dug into the pillow when the toy finally eased into him, stretching him even more. It had been so fucking long since he had had anything other than fingers in his ass that he almost wanted to sob with relief already.

 

His eyes were clenched shut as he got the entire thing inside of him, resting dangerously near his prostate. Mickey took a deep breath, and the sound almost ended in a chuckle. He got a tighter grip on the metal headboard and he grabbed a hold of the pillow case with his teeth again, making sure he would be able to stay quiet through this.

 

He eased the toy out of him and then back in again. The pace was set in his mind by now, he knew exactly how he liked it, so he kept fucking himself with the dildo, imagining that it was Ian’s cock instead.

 

”Fuck” Mickey whispered into the pillow, the toy feeling even better inside of him than he had remembered. For a second, he imagined what it would be like if Ian were in the room with him, watching him fuck himself with it.

 

His neck would probably be flushed, maybe he would bite his lip. Ian would surely palm his crotch. Somehow right now, that fantasy turned Mickey on even more than the thought of actually being fucked by him. He kept moaning into the pillow, thankful that the fabric did such a good job muffling the sound and that the walls were so thick in the house.

 

Mickey sped up, fucking himself with the dildo at an almost relentless pace, but making sure to stay still enough that the bed wouldn’t rock against the wall.

 

”Ian” The word was whispered into the pillow before he could stop himself.

 

But suddenly, just like that time in the shower a few days back, he wasn’t into it anymore. Because the bad memories overclouded the hot ones, and all Mickey could see and feel was the heartbreak.

 

Along with the good times that were just that now - memories. Mickey bit his bottom lip for a whole other reason than a second ago, and he let of of the headboard, easing the dildo out of him and throwing it to the side before turning onto his back.

 

What the fuck was he doing?

 

Staying home getting himself off when it was obvious there was really only one thing he wanted right now? And it wasn’t a blue fucking plastic dildo.

 

A tear ran down his cheek, and he didn’t really know why. Maybe he was sad, maybe he was overwhelmed or confused. Probably all of the above. His cock was turning a little bit softer, but there was still a little bit of precome on his stomach.

 

Mickey wiped his hand free of the lube and then took the hand up to his chin, wiping the two tears away that had made their way down there. He turned his head to look at the phone again.

 

Was it really that terrible of an idea? Probably. Mickey remembered something that his mother used to say. ’ _Nothing good ever happens after two am_ ’ Most of his life, he had seen it as bullshit, that’s when everything happened, good and bad.

 

After two am, that’s when he and his brothers used to do all of their shit that could have easily gotten them thrown in jail. After two am, that’s when Mickey and Ian used to lay awake in bed, whispering how much they loved each other.

 

Maybe sometimes, it was true. Maybe good things usually didn’t happen after two am, and maybe it was a good rule to just go to sleep by then. But right now, Mickey was sad, he was missing Ian and a part of him was still really fucking horny.

 

His eyes drifted to the digital clock, the green numbers showing him the time.

 

_**2:02** _

 

Mickey sighed. Fuck it. Finally, he did what he had been craving to do for days, he picked up the phone and found Ian’s number, pressing the call button. Mickey’s teeth gnawed on the inside of his bottom lip as he waited for an answer.

 

He felt another tear make its way down his cheek, and he cleared his throat in an attempt to try to get rid of the feeling that made them fall. It didn’t work.

 

”Mickey?” Ian’s voice finally came through the receiver, obviously groggy from sleep.

 

”Sorry it’s late” Mickey answered, and of course Ian - being Ian - heard he was crying.

 

”No, no. It’s okay, Mickey, what’s wrong?” Mickey almost started sobbing at the pure sound of concern in his voice. ”Talk to me” Ian said when Mickey took too long to answer. He reached a hand up and wiped some of the tears away. Ian was the only person he would ever be able to show himself this vulnerable with. Possibly Mandy.

 

”I just…” Mickey started, voice raspy. ”I was fucking jacking off and I don’t fucking know, something just…” He said. ”I just fucking need you” Mickey admitted, wiping some more tears away.

 

Had this been any other situation, Ian would probably have smirked to himself and asked what Mickey had been thinking about. But this wasn’t any other situation. Mickey was crying.

 

”I miss you too” Ian whispered.

 

It hadn’t been Mickey’s word of choice, but Ian knew what he had meant. Mickey hiccuped, his tears finally starting to dry out a little bit. The question was just on the tip of his tongue. It was so fucking stupid, but he needed to ask.

 

He needed Ian right now, and Mickey didn’t _need_ anyone.

 

”Can I come over?” He heard Ian’s small gasp in surprise, but the obvious answer came through the receiver quickly.

 

”Of course, Mick. I’ll text you the address?” Mickey nodded to himself.

 

”Yeah” He said and hung up. Mickey threw the phone to his side and stared up at the ceiling.

 

By now there was no trace of his breakdown on his face, but his head was still the same. Hazey, filled with a bunch of feelings that didn’t normally go together. He was just as horny as he was sad and since when was that a thing?

 

Mickey sighed and wiped the dildo off on the sheets, he’d clean both later. He stood up and pulled on a pair of sweatpants along with a black v neck, deciding to skip the boxers.

 

There was no way he was having a painful heart to heart with Ian tonight. There was only one thing he was ready to do, only one thing he needed right now. Mickey took a deep breath and grabbed his phone from the bed, walking out of his room and down the stairs, going slowly since he couldn’t see shit, and he didn’t want to turn on all the lights, because that would risk waking the twins up, especially since Brian’s door was open.

 

Right when Mickey had managed to get his shoes on, his phone beeped, displaying Ian’s text with the address. Mickey answered quickly.

 

 **Mickey:** _Be there soon_

 

Then he forced himself to take yet another deep breath before grabbing his keys and walking out the door into the darkness. The drive to Ian’s place didn’t take very long. In fact, Mickey realized that it was an apartment building that he drove past every single day on the way to work.

 

Mickey tried to keep his mind as blank as possible while he was driving. He didn’t want to think about the phone call they had just had, and he didn’t want to think about what would happen when he got to Ian’s. And he certainly didn’t want to think about what would happen tomorrow.

 

This was a spur of the moment decision at two am, and that’s the way it had to stay. Mickey couldn’t over think this.

 

He got out of the car as soon as he had parked, and he walked up to the building, ringing the bell to Ian’s place. Ian buzzed him in. Mickey took another deep breath and made his way up the stairs, trying to stay calm.

 

Thankfully his tears hadn’t returned and he could only pray that they wouldn’t. He wasn’t sad. Honestly, he guessed that the reason for the reaction was simply that he was overwhelmed. By the time Mickey found Ian’s door, it was open, and the redhead was leaning against the doorway, arms crossed.

 

”Hey” Ian said, a small smile on his face.

 

Mickey couldn’t decide if it was pity, uncertainty or just kindness. Most likely all of the above. And probably mostly just pure kindness. The stubble on his chin was still there, and it seemed like it was his thing now rather than ’ _I didn’t feel like shaving this morning_ ’. Mickey was more than okay with that.

 

”Hey” He said, letting his eyes travel over Ian’s body. He was dressed just the way Mickey was. Sweatpants and a t shirt. Somehow, Mickey had always found that even more appealing than Ian in a suit. And Ian was fucking hot in a suit.

 

Maybe it was because no one really got to see Ian in sweats and a t shirt, it was as if it was reserved just for Mickey to see that casual side of him. Well, it had been way back when at least.

 

It seemed like it was easy for Mickey to confuse what was with what is these days.

 

Ian looked tired, but not upset by any means. For some reason, Mickey had thought he would be since he had called him at two am. Then again, the crying had probably softened him a bit.

 

They just stood there for a second, looking at each other, but soon enough, Mickey made the move. He took a step forwards and pushed Ian into the apartment, slamming the door closed behind them.

 

Mickey placed his lips against Ian’s warm collar bone and slipped his cold hands under his green t shirt. If he didn’t know better, he’d swear Ian had thrown on a green shirt just because he was coming over.

 

Mickey pushed Ian against the wall and deepened the kiss on his skin, realizing he had been craving this taste for the past twenty years. It was salty and sweet and pure fucking Ian. Intoxicating. Ian let out a small moan, wrapping his arms around Mickey’s waist to pull them closer together, leaning his head back against the wall.

 

”Fuck me” Mickey pulled away to whisper before placing his lips onto Ian’s jawline, sucking another mark into the skin, the small hairs irritating his lips, but somehow Mickey found it hot. Ian was a man now, they both were. And he fucking needed this.

 

Mickey didn’t give a fuck what was going to happen afterwards. Right now he needed Ian. His hands, his smell, his voice, his fucking cock. He needed everything, and he didn’t even really know what had come over him.

 

He just knew that he needed it. Need. That was the word echoing inside of Mickey’s head, and it was true.

 

Ian flipped them around and pushed Mickey against the wall instead, his leg in between Mickey’s to give him something to grind against. Mickey let out a small whine as he rubbed his rock hard cock against Ian’s thigh, only two layers of cotton separating them.

 

”Wait, wait…” Ian said, and Mickey pulled his face out of his neck with a groan, looking into his green eyes, filled with nothing but concern. ”It’s not that I don’t want to fuck…” He said, out of breath already. Probably from the shock of Mickey all but throwing himself at him. ”Fuck, I want to” His hands started rubbing circles on Mickey’s lower back under his t shirt. ”It’s just… don’t you think we should talk about this?”

 

”No” Mickey shook his head, moving his hands further up Ian’s chest under the green cover, feeling his abs. Ian smirked a little bit at that, and leaned into the feeling of having Mickey’s hands on him after so long. ”No talking, I just need…” Mickey said before going back in, placing his lips right under Ian’s other collar bone, a small moan slipping out of Ian’s mouth. ”Please” Mickey whispered against the skin.

 

Ian closed his eyes as Mickey grazed his teeth over the small purple mark, and finally nodded.

 

”Alright, fuck, come here, baby” He didn’t mean to use the nickname, it was a force of habit, and while a part of Mickey wanted to freak out and run out of there, he forced himself not to. It was a slip, and they both knew that.

 

Ian slipped his hands under Mickey’s t shirt and Mickey lifted his arms, letting him peel it off of his body. ”Fuck” Ian sighed at the sight of Mickey’s chest after all this time.

 

He had always loved Mickey’s body, but even more so now. His body had filled out a little bit in the past two decades. Not with fat, or even with muscle really. Just filled out in a way that Ian couldn’t really explain, but it was so fucking hot.

 

Ian’s own shirt was thrown to the side and then he pulled Mickey closer to him again, placing his lips onto his neck as they stumbled towards the bedroom. Mickey let out small noises, some groans, some moans. He wasn’t really sure himself, he just drank in all of this and didn’t focus on anything else.

 

He let his hands slide all over Ian’s body, his abs, his muscular back, his arms. Fucking he’d missed this.

 

”Fuck I’ve missed this” He couldn’t help but mutter into Ian’s shoulder. Ian hummed and pushed Mickey back onto the unmade bed, climbing on top of him.

 

”Me too” Ian promised, getting to work sucking a hickey into his collar bone as his fingers worked on pushing Mickey’s sweatpants down his thighs. ”Fuck” Ian pulled away to look down when he noticed Mickey wasn’t wearing boxers.

 

Mickey’s shoes had been kicked of somewhere in their heist to get to the bedroom, so he wrapped his legs around Ian’s waist, digging his heels into his ass.

 

”Come on. Just fuck me” Ian lifted his head again and looked into Mickey’s blue eyes, giving him a smirk before pushing his own sweats down his legs, throwing both pairs to the side, leaving the two of them completely naked together for the first time in twenty years.

 

Had Mickey let him, Ian surely would have taken it slow, making sure to appreciate everything just in case this was just one of those things and it would never happen again.

 

However, Mickey wasn’t patient.

 

He pushed Ian off of him just enough so that he was able to flip and stand on all fours. Ian was a little bit disappointed that Mickey didn’t seem to be okay with doing this face to face.

 

He would really like to look into his eyes when he came, but he pushed that thought out of his head. He understood. Ian placed a hand on Mickey’s waist to steady himself as he reached for the lube and a condom in his nightstand.

 

Mickey couldn’t help but close his eyes at the simple action. Having Ian’s hands on him after so long, his lips - fuck just having Ian at all, it was overwhelming, but right now he just wanted to fuck. He couldn’t give himself any time to think, because it would probably end with him not doing this after all, and he wanted to do this, he really, really did.

 

”You need more prep?” Ian asked in a husky voice from behind him.

 

”No” Mickey assured him, the prep he had given himself earlier was more than enough. Mickey heard the condom being ripped open and the slick slick slick of Ian preparing himself.

 

Before long, Ian’s hands were back on Mickey’s waist and the tip of his cock was pressing against his hole. Mickey had opened his eyes at some point, but now they fell closed again, his teeth digging into his bottom lip at the feeling of having Ian press into him again after twenty fucking years.

 

”Oh fuck” Ian breathed, his forehead pressing against Mickey’s shoulder blade. His muscles were clenching and unclenching around Ian’s cock once he had finally bottomed out.

 

They both tried to get used to the feeling of being connected like this. It was weird. It was so fucking foreign, and yet, it was a feeling they knew better than breathing.

 

”Ian” Mickey whispered, and Ian pressed a kiss to his back.

 

”I got you” He promised before straightening up and pulling back out until just the tip of his cock was resting inside of Mickey. He tightened his hold on Mickey’s body and thrusted back in, hard, just how he knew Mickey needed it right now.

 

”Fuck” Mickey groaned at the feeling, his eyes rolling to the back of his head as Ian kept fucking into him again, and again, making the bed bang against the wall. Ian’s neighbors would probably give him a piece of their mind in the morning, but right now neither of them gave a shit.

 

Mickey’s head hung between his arms as Ian shoved him onto his cock time after time, driving them both insane.

 

”You feel so fucking good” Ian couldn’t help but mutter. ”So fucking tight for me”

 

Mickey moaned at the words, letting him know how much he appreciated them. Ian looked down, watching Mickey’s ass completely swallow his cock.

 

Nothing would ever be able to beat the sight or the feeling of having Mickey. It was perfect, he was perfect. At least to Ian.

 

”I missed your perfect fucking ass” Ian grunted, starting to slam into Mickey even more relentlessly.

 

Mickey was way too far gone to answer with words, all he could do was moan and groan and sob at the fucking amazing feeling of having Ian slam into him again. He let out a loud - well, had he been a chick it would have been classified a scream, but he wasn’t, so it wasn’t - noise when Ian managed to hit his prostate.

 

”Right fucking there, fuck” Mickey managed to get out around the other noises slipping out of his mouth. Ian groaned, moving one hand up to Mickey’s hair, tugging on it as he kept stabbing at that special spot inside of him.

 

”Yes, oh, fuck” Mickey yelled, and Ian pulled even harder at his hair, bending his neck backwards. Mickey started moving his hips backwards, too, meeting Ian’s movements as they both started nearing that edge.

 

”So fucking close” Ian grunted, and Mickey could only moan in response.

 

They came simultaneously, Ian still buried inside of Mickey as he spilled into the condom. Mickey tried to keep some of the noises in, but they tumbled out of his mouth, anyway. Moans and groans and hiccuped blended with the occasional ’ _fuck_ ’ as he dirtied Ian’s sheets.

 

When they were done, Mickey collapsed on the bed and Ian collapsed on top of Mickey, limp dick still inside of him.

 

”That was fucking amazing” Ian whispered when he had recovered enough. He placed a kiss to the back of Mickey’s neck and ran a hand through the black, sweat soaked hair.

 

Mickey hummed, elbowing Ian a little bit to get him to move. Ian eased out of Mickey and Mickey winced a little bit at the empty feeling before forcing himself to stand up. Ian frowned and sat up when he reached for his sweatpants, slipping them on.

 

”You don’t wanna stay for a bit?” Mickey shook his head.

 

”Nah, man. Gotta get home before the twins wake up”

 

Ian nodded, albeit disappointed and stood up as well, walking over to Mickey and placing his hands on the side of his neck.

 

”Call you tomorrow?” His eyes flickered down to Mickey’s lips, but before that thought could go any further, Mickey got an apologetic look on his face, reaching up to wrap his hands around Ian’s wrists. He pushed Ian’s hands off of his face and shook his head.

 

”Look, this is all I can do right now, alright?” Ian frowned.

 

”What?” His lips were slightly parted in confusion and Mickey sighed.

 

”We’re not together again or some shit, I can’t do that”

 

Ian had assumed that they were. Well, well on their way, anyway. Maybe it had been stupid, but in a way, it had been a fair assumption. Then again, Mickey going for his neck and not his lips should have been a clue.

 

”Oh, so what?” Ian asked. ”We’re fuck buddies?”

 

Mickey sighed, understanding that Ian was hurt. He thumbed his bottom lip, looking up at him. He didn’t answer, but Ian got it.

 

”Mickey, I’m almost thirty eight”

 

”Come on, man. That’s not old”

 

”Let me finish” Ian said, forcing himself not to raise his voice. ”No, it’s not. But It’s not exactly nineteen either. I don’t want to waste another year of my life fucking around” Mickey frowned.

 

”You know where I’m at, man. I told you” Ian nodded.

 

”Yeah, and I’m okay with not getting serious too fast, but, Mick…” Ian trailed off, taking a step closer to Mickey. ”Not being together at all, just being fuck buddies, that’s not enough for me”

 

”Ian” Mickey said softly, wishing he could somehow explain this. Use his words the way Ian did, but he had never been that guy.

 

”I love you. I wasn’t lying about that. But I want everything” Ian stated. ”I want it it with you, yeah. But I _want_ _everything_ ” Ian said, sighing and shaking his head.

 

"Then it's not me” Mickey said, and Ian's eyes teared up.

 

"Guess it's not, no"

 

Their eyes connected, filled with sadness and apology. Mickey thumbed his bottom lip, trying not to let the tears fall again.

 

He understood Ian, he did. But he wasn’t ready to take that step, he wasn’t ready to call Ian his boyfriend, and it would probably be a long time before he was, if ever. And it wasn’t just Ian either.

 

Mickey wasn’t ready have a relationship at all. For the past twenty years it had all been about himself and his kids, he couldn’t bring another person into that.

 

”Why couldn’t you just leave it alone?” Mickey asked.

 

”Mickey, just go” Ian sighed, eyes closed.

 

Mickey nodded, turning around and walking out of the apartment, a tear finally making it’s way down his cheek.

 

Seriously. When it’s after two am - just go to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hate me now. 
> 
> (And for anyone thinking that they're ooc, well, it's been twenty years, and they've both been through a lot. I try to keep them as in character as I can, but at the same time, it wouldn't be realistic if they were the exact same people as they were when they were in their late teens) 
> 
> Comments and kudos are always very appreciated :) Hope all of you have an amazing day xo


	7. I'll Come Back To You (Someday)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now everything was ruined. They weren’t going slow, they weren’t working towards being together. Maybe they had been, but now Mickey had successfully blown all of that up. Now they were nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ended up being 6k. Whoops.  
> (Also, title from Bryan Greenberg's Someday. Not that anybody cares, but it really fits this chapter. So there)

Mickey’s eyes fluttered open, and he immediately felt the weight on his chest. Last night came back in flashes. Ian buried deep inside of him, the comforting feeling of being that close to him again. The one eighty when they realized that they both wanted different things and neither of them could compromise.

 

None of this was Ian’s fault, and that just made it so much worse. It was all on Mickey. The phone call, the fucking, the shaking of the head when Ian had wanted more, all of it was Mickey’s fault, and he couldn’t do anything about that.

 

He understood Ian, it wasn’t weird or wrong that he would want a boyfriend, a family. It was actually completely normal now that they were older. But it was just that every single time that Mickey thought that he may be able to do it, every single that that he let himself get lost in thoughts of a wedding, and a shared house and maybe a redheaded baby, he felt like he was drowning.

 

Mostly because he could see no possible ending to it all other than one of them hurting the other, and that inevitable break up would easily be so much worse than the last one back when they had only been teenagers.

 

Mickey didn’t want to risk putting his kids through that either. He didn’t give a fuck that they were all but adults by now, he still felt like he owed them something, like he owed it to them to only focus on the family.

 

That was the reason why Mickey had been completely satisfied with one night stands until now. Because he didn’t have the time or energy to have a relationship, and he knew that that wasn’t wrong either. Ian wasn’t wrong and Mickey wasn’t wrong, but they were at such completely different places it their lives, that it was all but impossible to have a relationship of any kind.

 

Much less a serious boyfriend/boyfriend relationship.

 

Mickey sighed and stared up at the ceiling before running his hands down his face, rubbing his eyes free of some of the sleep. He could still feel Ian inside of him, but it wasn’t at all comforting like it usually was - or had been back then.

 

Now it was just a reminder of how royally Mickey had screwed up and how much he had - probably - hurt Ian. From what Mickey thought, Ian had really thought that it was happening.

 

That Mickey coming over to his place was him giving in, them getting back together. And in hindsight, that had been exactly what it had seemed like. Mickey, himself, didn’t even really know what it was about a relationship with Ian that he wasn’t ready for.

 

Was it the inevitable breakup? Was it the time he didn’t have? Was it that he was scared to get that attached to him again? Fuck if Mickey knew, he just knew he wasn’t ready.

 

He sighed deeply and forced himself to sit up despite his body throbbing with the lack of sleep and the painful memories of the night before. Despite all of it being a huge fucking mistake, Mickey couldn’t deny the fact that now, when they had fucked again, there was not a single doubt in his mind that he loved that man.

 

And it should make everything clearer, easier. Maybe most people would tell him to just go for it, but those people weren’t him. Mandy wasn’t him, and Svetlana wasn’t him, and nobody except for himself could possibly understand how he felt.

 

Hell, he didn’t even really understand how he felt himself. Another deep sigh escaped out through his lips and he stood up, walking into the bathroom. Mickey didn’t jerk off in the shower despite his morning wood asking for it, he couldn’t.

 

Because he knew that the second he did, Ian would slip into his mind, and there was no way he was doing that to himself. If things had been too complicated between the two of them before last night, well, then now it was just so much worse and he should have fucking known that.

 

Mickey should have fucking known that it was a bad idea to go over to Ian’s place last night, to fuck him, especially since they hadn’t talked about what it meant before it happened. Ian had told Mickey that he loved him, so obviously Ian would think that they were getting back together, but Mickey’s late night thought process didn’t quite get that far. In fact, he hadn’t been able to see past right then and there.

 

The water was cold, almost to the point where it was burning Mickey’s skin as it chilled his veins. He needed it, he needed to feel clean, fresh. Mickey needed to wash away the feeling of Ian’s hands on his skin, his hips.

 

That was probably easier said than done, though, because he had two huge bruises on his hips in the shape of hands. He looked down, watching the cold water pour over his pale skin, over the discolorations.

 

His fingers traced the mark, remembering just how secure it had felt to have him inside of him again, how right. Mickey gnawed on the inside of his bottom lip, trying to remember what the fuck he had been thinking.

 

Now everything was ruined. They weren’t going slow, they weren’t working towards being together. Maybe they had been, but now Mickey had successfully blown all of that up. Now they were nothing. Mickey took a deep breath and turned the knob, stopping the freezing water from pouring out over his body.

 

He reached for the towel and wrapped it around his lower body before stepping out of the shower, ending up in front of the huge mirror. The bags under his eyes were even bigger than they usually were. Go fucking figure.

 

Late night Mickey should have a fucking medal for being the dumbest person on the face of the earth.

 

Mickey sighed and got dressed before exiting his bathroom and the bedroom, deciding he was too exhausted and distracted to make his bed. He ran a hand over his face and through his hair as he made it into the kitchen, finding Briana already awake, her long brown hair all over the place as she spooned some cereal into her mouth, eyes on her phone screen.

 

”Morning, dad” She greeted, looking up for only a second before going back to her phone.

 

”Hey, bud” Mickey answered, walking to the fridge to retrieve the milk his daughter had put back. ”Brian still asleep?”

 

”I think so” She nodded, placing the phone face down on the marble counter and turning her body more towards her father. ”Where were you last night?”

 

Mickey’s body froze as he put the box of Cap’n crunch down slowly as he tried to figure out what to say to that. He could lie, say that he was here, even though Briana obviously knew that he wasn’t. He could say he was at Mandy’s but his daughter knew him way too well to believe that.

 

So he settled on the truth - well, semi so at least.

 

”I was at Ian’s” Briana frowned.

 

”Why?” Mickey shrugged.

 

”He’s an old friend. I just needed somebody to talk to” There goes the truth.

 

If it was something they didn’t do last night, it was talking.

 

”Why are you asking?” Mickey tried to remain calm as he fixed himself a bowl of cereal.

 

He wasn’t embarrassed over having fucked Ian, it was just that he really didn’t want the kids to find out yet - if ever.

 

They had college essays to focus on, among other things, the last thing they needed was to worry about getting a new stepdad - which they weren’t, for that matter, but Mickey knew that that was how they would see it. Especially since Ian was the only _slightly-more-than-friend-friend_ that they had ever met. Briana shrugged.

 

”I woke up and you weren’t home. I was just asking” Mickey nodded.

 

”Alright” He answered. ”You guys need a ride to school?” Mickey asked, right as Brian came down the stairs, brown curly hair standing in all different directions.

 

”You know you wouldn’t have to ask us if you just - ”

 

”No. You’re not getting a car” Mickey interrupted his son. ”And just for that, you’re taking the bus”

 

He got two middle fingers on his way out of the kitchen, but he just chuckled at that, grabbing his shoes and heading out the door. Mickey had been too preoccupied with making breakfast and teasing the twins that Ian had slipped out of his mind for a second - well, after Briana’s question at least.

 

But now, alone in the car with no one to talk to, his thoughts immediately slipped back to him, to last night. Mickey didn’t know if he wished that it hadn’t happened, or if he wished that it would have happened in another way, but either way, he wished that it hadn’t happened like that. That the night hadn’t ended with both of them upset, and at least one of them crying.

 

Mickey didn’t know whether Ian had cried or not, but it was very possible. How the fuck did he get here?

 

By the time lunch rolled around, Mickey’s head was even heavier than it had been that morning. He had all of the symptoms of a really terrible hangover, but he hadn’t been drinking the night before.

 

Well, not much anyway. In fact, the only reason he felt like this was probably that he hadn’t heard from Ian all day, and he hadn’t had the balls to contact him himself. It had been this way ever since the first time he had ever met Ian.

 

Whenever they got in a fight, Mickey felt really fucking bad about it, even the times it had been all Ian’s fault. It was as if his body couldn’t physically stand to be away from Ian when they weren’t okay. It had taken Mickey three full years after the breakup to get rid of the ’ _hangover_ ’.

 

 _’Love hangover’_ had been Mandy’s words, but Mickey didn’t know how he felt about that, exactly.

 

He took a deep breath and got into his car in the parking lot, if only to have some privacy as he fished his phone out, dialing the number he knew so well.

 

 _”Hey”_ Came the muffled voice after only two rings.

 

”Hey” Mickey sighed back. ”I need to talk to you, you got time?”

 

 _”Yeah, yeah”_ Mandy answered, and the noise in the background got quieter, telling Mickey that she was walking away from somewhere. _”What’s up?”_

 

”I screwed the fuck up” Mickey sighed, closing his eyes and tugging at the roots of his hair with his free hand, nearly pulling it all out.

 

 _”What did you do to him?”_ Mandy sounded angry already. Fuck her for knowing her brother so well.

 

”I just…” Mickey sighed, moving his hand from the top of his head, down to his temples, trying to cure the headache the slightest bit. It didn’t work. ”We fucked”

 

_”What?! Mick - ”_

 

”Let me finish” Mickey growled.  

 

_”Sorry”_

 

”We fucked and he thought we were getting back together, but I’m not fucking ready for that, and I told him that before”

 

_”You’re in a storm of fuck, bro”_

 

”Don’t I fucking know” Mickey sighed. ”I think he’s pissed. Like really fucking pissed”

 

 _”How did it end?”_ Mandy asked, starting to calm down.

 

”I got dressed, he tried to kiss me, I told him I couldn’t do that shit. He told me to leave and I did”

 

_”Did you cry?”_

 

”Jesus fuck, Mands. The fuck’s that have to do with anything?”

 

_”Did you?”_

 

”Yes, I fucking cried” Mickey admitted. ”You happy?”

 

 _”Then what the fuck are you doing?”_ Mickey heard that Mandy started getting upset again. _”You wouldn’t cry over a guy you don’t love. So what the fuck is your problem?”_ Mickey frowned.

 

”Look, I called because I needed some fucking help with this shit, not because I need you to beat me up for it. I already know I screwed up, but I can’t be with him like that. Not right now, I just fucking can’t!” Mickey heard Mandy sigh, and he could just imagine her nod.

 

 _”Fine. Sorry. But I can’t help you with this. You gotta figure it out for yourself. You need to talk to someone, talk to Ian about it because that’s where it’s all at to begin with”_ Mickey sighed, nodding to himself. He knew that.

 

”Alright. I will. I gotta go back to work” Mickey said, pulling the phone away from his ear.

 

 _”Bro?”_ He lifted it again, waiting for her to finish her thought.

 

”Yeah?”

 

_”I love you”_

 

It wasn’t something they said very often, barely at all. But once in a while as they had grown up and become adults, Mandy would say it, and there was only one possible answer in the Milkovich family.

 

”Fuck you” _You too._

 

By the time Mickey made it home to the house, it was dark outside. A little too dark for early October, so he figured it would be a cold winter - well, they were in Miami, so Mickey didn’t know if he could even really call it winter, or cold for that matter, but as far as he knew anyway.

 

The house was lit, telling him that the twins were already home, probably making dinner since it was their turn. Mickey sighed and ran a hand over his face before exiting the car and walking up the driveway towards the front door.

 

As soon as he swung it open and stepped inside, not two, but three familiar voices rang through the house from the kitchen.  

 

”Really?” Briana said.

 

”Yeah, yeah. It was intense” Mickey frowned. _Ian?_

 

”How did you do it, don’t you gotta be eighteen?” Brian asked right as Mickey toed his shoes off and walked through the hallway to get to the kitchen. He stopped in the doorway and leaned against the door frame.

 

The twins were sitting by the kitchen island with their sides turned to Mickey, and Ian was standing by the stove, chopping something or other as something else cooked in a pan. It was so weird, Mickey and Ian weren’t together - in fact, Mickey had been fairly certain that Ian was angry with him - and yet, here he was. Cooking dinner for Mickey’s family like nothing.

 

Maybe Mickey should be angry, upset that he was all but elbowing his way into the home, but it didn’t feel that way. Mickey’s stomach was just warm, like he was happy to be home. And it didn’t feel like Ian was trying to push him into anything either.

 

The twins and Ian kept talking, but Mickey wasn’t listening anymore. He was just watching Ian, he looked so casual dressed in a white v neck, the scruff on his face slightly longer than it had been last night. Other than hot, he looked… happy.

 

Ian looked up and spotted Mickey.

 

The look on his face told Mickey that he was nervous for how he would react, but Mickey just smiled softly, assuring him that it was okay. A week ago, he probably would have been pissed, but now all Mickey could feel was relief that they apparently weren’t fighting. That Ian didn’t seem way too upset about what happened last night.

 

”Hey, dad” Brian greeted Mickey when he took a few steps into the kitchen.

 

”Hey, bud” He answered, ruffling Brian’s hair and pressing a kiss to the top of Briana’s head. ”What’s going on here?”

 

”Ian showed up with food” Brian said.

 

”He’s been telling us about being in the army” Briana added, and Mickey chuckled, forcing himself not to cringe at the memory.

 

”That’s a hell of a fucking story” Mickey sighed, unable to keep the grin off of his face. It just felt good. To come home to this. He forced himself not to let that thought go any further. ”He tell you how he got out?” Mickey’s eyes were on Ian’s.

 

”No, what happened?” Brian asked. Ian gave Mickey a small nod, assuring him that it was okay for him to tell them.

 

”He stole a helicopter”

 

”No way!” Brian said.

 

”I didn’t actually steal it, I started it” Ian corrected, dumping the chopped up capsicum into the pan.

 

The twins reacted, maybe asked something more, but Mickey wasn’t listening. His eyes were on Ian’s again.

 

 _’Talk later?’_ Mickey mouthed, and Ian nodded, the smile still on his face.

 

About five minutes later, whatever Ian had been cooking was ready and it smelled fucking amazing. They all sat down around the kitchen island, and Ian opened up a pack of tortillas, grabbing one for himself.

 

”So…” Brian started, spooning some chicken onto his plate. ”Are you together?”

 

The twins may have been close to eighteen, but they were just as nosy as they had been when they were four. Mickey and Ian’s eyes connected over the table, and for a second, Mickey was uncertain about what he should answer with.

 

What would keep them from being boyfriend and boyfriend in the twins eyes, but wouldn’t hurt Ian’s feelings? Ultimately, Ian took care of it for Mickey.

 

”No, no. Not anymore. Just friends”

 

Mickey took a deep breath and smiled at Ian, silently thanking him for not going into it all further than that. _Just_ friends may have been a bit of a fib, but they weren’t together, and Mickey didn’t want to confuse his kids.

 

Adults or not, they both tended to jump into a lot of conclusions.

 

The dinner was filled with mindless chatter and more stories about Ian’s army days. Mickey couldn’t help but feel more content than he had in a long time.

 

 

Mandy bucked into the covers, eyes rolling to the back of her head as Lana’s tongue kept teasing her clit.

 

”Oh, fuck! You’re fucking - ” Mandy kept clawing and tugging at her wife’s long hair as she groaned, getting closer and closer to the edge. Svetlana hummed, sending the vibrations straight into Mandy, finally pushing her over the edge.

 

Mandy kept groaning and moaning along with the occasional yelled ’ _Fuck_ ’ as he shivered through her orgasm, eyes clenched shut. Lana kept licking a little bit, her hands on Mandy’s tits, fingers teasing her nipples.

 

When she felt Mandy still, she lifted her head and pressed a kiss to her inner thigh before climbing up the bed. Mandy accepted Lana’s skinny frame on top of her, wrapping her arms around her.

 

Svetlana had a small smile on her face as she dipped her head down, covering Mandy’s lips with her own. Mandy hummed into the kiss, licking her way into her wife’s mouth.

 

”You seem distracted” Lana stated when they had pulled apart. ”What’s wrong?”

 

Mandy shrugged as best as she could laying down. Lana rolled off of her and curled up by her side instead, pressing a kiss to her jawline.

 

”Talk to me”

 

”I’m just worried about Mick” Mandy finally admitted, lacing their fingers together on her stomach. ”This whole Ian thing is really messing him up”

 

”I noticed” Lana hummed. ”But it’s his problem. Not to make your life easier, but he needs to figure things out on his own. Be a man” Mandy nodded, sighing.

 

”I know. I’m gonna try to let it go”

 

”Good” Lana said, lifting her head to look down at her wife.

 

”I love you”

 

 ”I love you” Mandy smiled before pulling her down for another sloppy kiss.

 

 

”I gotta go to bed. Early practice” Brian said, standing up from his chair.

 

”Alright. Want me to wake you up tomorrow?” Mickey asked, and Brian nodded.

 

”Yeah, thanks. Nice to see you again” He said, nodding to Ian.

 

”You too” Ian smiled at him, and then Brian went upstairs.

 

”I should probably go too” Briana said, swallowing the last of the last of the water in her glass. ”Zippy’s not the only one who has to be up early”

 

”Alright, night, bud” Mickey said, and Briana nodded.

 

”Bye, Ian”

 

”Bye”

 

”And don’t call him…” Mickey started, making Briana return to the kitchen. ”Actually, Zippy the chimp is actually pretty fucking accurate, never mind” Briana laughed and Ian chuckled lowly.

 

Then she left, heading up to her room, leaving Mickey and Ian alone in the kitchen. Mickey stood up and walked over to the sink, putting two of the dirty plates in it before turning around to look at Ian.

 

He was standing at the opposite side of the kitchen island, hands on the counter top.

 

”I’m really sorry if you feel like I ambushed you with all of this” Ian gestured to the left over food, but Mickey shook his head.

 

”No, no. I’m just… surprised. Thought you would never wanna see me again” Mickey let out a chuckle to try to hide his nervousness, but Ian knew him too well. He walked over to Mickey’s side of the island and Mickey turned his side to it, looking up at Ian.

 

”That could never happen, Mick. I was a jackass about all of that stuff” Ian gnawed on the inside of his bottom lip, eyes wandering over Mickey’s face. Mickey shook his head.

 

”Nah, man. It was my fault, I shouldn’t have…” He let out a sound between a sigh and a groan, running a hand over his face. ”I shouldn’t have let you think that I was ready when I wasn’t” Ian nodded, eyes on Mickey’s.

 

”It’s okay. I shouldn’t have assumed anything” Mickey kept looking into the green eyes, wondering what it really was that made him feel like he wasn’t ready. He lifted a hand to the side of Ian’s neck, letting his thumb run over the red scruff.

 

”I like this” Mickey said. Ian grinned.

 

”Yeah?” Mickey hummed.

 

”It’s fucking hot” Ian chuckled, and before Mickey knew it, Ian had grabbed him by the hips, lifting him up onto the kitchen island as if it was nothing.

 

”You mean I wasn’t already?” He teased, and Mickey wrapped his legs around his body, pulling them closer together.

 

”You’re always hot” Mickey assured him, hand still running along his neck, moving up to his temple to put some of the red hair behind his ear.

 

”Mick, if we’re gonna do this tonight, we should probably…” Ian trailed off, and Mickey nodded.

 

”I know” He sighed. ”This doesn’t mean we’re back together” Ian nodded, agreeing to the rule. ”The twins don’t find out” Ian nodded again. ”And no kissing” Ian let out a small whine, but finally, he nodded.

 

Ian knew how intimate kissing was to Mickey, so for now, he was alright with that rule. Hopefully it could be bent in the foreseeable future.

 

”Can I add one thing?” Ian asked, and Mickey frowned, but nodded, his fingers combing through the hair at the nape of Ian’s neck.

 

”No fucking anyone else” Mickey’s hand stilled at that.

 

It wasn’t that he wanted to fuck anybody else, or that he would be particularly okay with Ian doing so. But being exclusive, it just seemed an awful lot like being back together. Alas, Mickey figured he had to take some kind of step at some point if he wanted to get anywhere.

 

”Done” He breathed, immediately attaching his lips to Ian’s jawline. It felt as if Ian’s entire body relaxed, and he wrapped his arms tightly around Mickey’s frame, tugging them closer together.

 

Mickey’s lips kept working against Ian’s skin, arms wrapping around his upper body. He drank it everything - Ian’s taste, his smell, the feeling of finally having him like this again, and with no doubts or uncertainties.

 

Ian let out a small moan as Mickey’s teeth grazed over the mark he had just made. Mickey felt the hairs on Ian’s face irritate his lips a little bit, but for some reason - just like last night - it just turned him on even more.

 

”Come here” Ian whispered, lifting Mickey off of the counter and placing his hands on his ass, beginning the walk out of the kitchen. Mickey tightened his legs around Ian’s waist and lifted his head, leaning their foreheads together.

 

Ian looked into Mickey’s blue eyes, starting to make his way up the stairs - surprisingly smoothly, considering Mickey was clinging to him like a fucking koala.

 

Suddenly, the happiness of being sort of - sort of not back together was too much, and Ian started laughing. Mickey couldn’t help but join him, and soon they were both laughing - trying to keep as quiet as they possibly could, considering they weren’t alone in the house.

 

This wasn’t like last night, not at all. Because despite the fact that they weren’t back together in the way that Ian would like them to be. And despite the fact that they weren’t kissing, they were happier, and everything was clearer.

 

Mickey couldn’t help but regret last night with a passion. This should have been it. This should have been their first time after twenty fucking years. But it didn’t matter now, he couldn’t take it back.

 

All he could do was focus on tonight, try to redo it all.

 

”Which is yours?” Ian asked moments later when the laughter had died down. He let out small moans as Mickey had attached his lips to his neck again, and he had almost forgotten how fucking good Mickey was at that when he really wanted to be.

 

”Corner” Mickey said, voice muffled by Ian’s body. Ian hummed, and Mickey tightened his legs around Ian’s body as Ian had to let go of him with one hand to open the door.

 

As soon as they were inside and the door was closed behind them, Ian walked over to the bed and threw Mickey down onto it, climbing on top. Ian peeled his shirt off, quickly throwing it to the side before sliding his hands in under Mickey’s, urging him to lift his arms so that he could get rid of it. When Mickey’s shirt was thrown on top of Ian’s, Ian grabbed his wrists, pinning them onto his pillow above his head to lick a stripe up from his sternum to his jawline.

 

”Um, fuck” Mickey groaned, bending his neck backwards into the pillow as he enjoyed the wet heat of Ian’s tongue on his skin. Ian did it a few more times and stopped right below Mickey’s ear, attaching his lips and sucking instead. ”Fuck” Mickey breathed again, wishing he could place a hand onto the back of Ian’s neck and urge him on, but they were still safely pinned over his head.

 

Mickey bucked upwards, rubbing their jean clad crotches together.

 

”Mick” Ian sighed against Mickey’s skin, grinding downwards to meet his movements. Ian’s hands slid from Mickey’s wrists up to his hands, lacing their fingers together. Mickey frowned, not quite sure how he felt about such a soft gesture quite yet.

 

”Ey” He said, letting go of Ian’s hands and flipping them over.

 

”Sorry” Ian mumbled as Mickey pressed a kiss to his chest.

 

”’S okay” Mickey mumbled. He really didn’t want the energy in the room to change because of a little slip, so he made sure that it didn’t. Mickey eased down the bed, pressing open mouthed kisses to Ian’s upper body as he went.

 

Ian placed a hand on the back of Mickey’s neck, fingers slipping into the black hair as Mickey worked on his zipper. Once Ian’s jeans were thrown to the side, Mickey quickly got rid of his own as well before going back to mouth at Ian’s cotton covered bulge.

 

”Fuck” Ian groaned, tugging slightly at Mickey’s hair as he clenched his eyes shut, tilting his head back into the pillow.

 

Mickey tugged Ian’s boxers down his legs, wasting no time before he licked his palm and wrapped a secure hand around his throbbing erection.

 

”Mickey” Ian sighed, opening his eyes just in time to see Mickey looking back up at him, stroking his cock. Their eyes connected for only a second before Mickey looked down at Ian’s cock, lowering his face and teasing the slit with the tip of his tongue. ”Oh, fuck” Ian groaned, his eyes falling closed again as Mickey kept teasing him.

 

He lowered his face even more, licking a thick stripe all along the base of his cock right before actually wrapping his lips tightly around the head.

 

If he was honest, he hadn’t quite realized how much he had missed sucking Ian’s cock. The heat and the weight of it was fucking perfect as it filled his mouth. Nothing would ever be able to compare to this. Ian’s grip on Mickey’s hair had loosened a little bit, but as Mickey started bobbing his head, he started tugging again, urging him on.

 

”So fucking good at that” Ian mumbled, eyes still clenched shut in pleasure. Mickey hummed, sending the vibrations straight into Ian’s cock and dragging a low moan out through his lips.

 

One of his hands were still on Ian’s cock, stroking what he couldn’t quite get to right now, and the other one was on his upper thigh, massaging it a little bit because he knew that for some reason it drove Ian crazy.

 

Mickey hummed around Ian’s cock again, only for the vibrations, and Ian started bucking his hips, getting closer and closer to the edge. When that happened, Mickey pulled off with a plop.

 

There was no fucking way he wasn’t ending the night with Ian’s cock inside of him. Mickey quickly got rid of his own boxers, throwing them to the side. He climbed up the bed, reaching over to the nightstand to get the lube and a condom.

 

He realized with a frown that he had forgotten to clean off the dildo from last night. He had to remember to fix that later. Ian’s hands were on his hips now, to steady him a little bit. Ian couldn’t help but look up at the brunet, amazed at how much he had changed in the past twenty years, and yet, he was the exact same.

 

Mickey threw the condom aside for now and dropped a kiss to Ian’s collar bone before straightening up and popping the cap open on the lube, preparing two of his fingers. He looked down at Ian with a small smirk before he closed his eyes and placed a hand on Ian’s thigh to steady himself, circling his rim with his own finger.

 

Ian dug his teeth into his bottom lip as he watched Mickey start to prepare himself. He felt his cock grow even harder at the sight of Mickey’s flushed chest, and the low groan erupting from his lips as he pressed the first finger into himself.

 

Ian lined his hands up with the fading bruises from last night and rubbed small circles with his thumb as he tried to keep himself from moaning just by seeing Mickey like this. He was so fucking hot, head thrown back, all but riding his own fingers as he stretched himself open.

 

At some point, one finger had become three, but Ian was too far gone to really notice. He just knew that he fucking wanted this man so bad. Now and forever. Mickey let out a moan when he managed to brush against his prostate, and he pulled the fingers out of himself, wiping them on the covers.

 

He had given Ian enough of a show, he needed his cock. Now. Mickey opened his eyes and looked down at Ian’s. His eyes were dark with pleasure and anticipation, the pupils so blown that there was only a thin rim of green around.

 

”Fucking want you so bad” Mickey groaned when Ian reached a hand forwards, stroking his cock a little bit. ”You gotta stop that” He sighed when Ian’s thumb swiped over the tip. ”Feels too fucking good, man”

 

Ian hummed and Mickey placed a kiss to his right collar bone before straightening up again and grabbing the condom, ripping it open with his teeth. Ian moaned when Mickey rolled it onto his leaking cock, giving it one firm stroke to make sure it was on right.

 

Once Ian was slicked up, Mickey placed his palms flat against his chest, slowly lowering himself down onto his cock.

 

”Fuck, Mickey” Ian couldn’t help but groan when the hot, tight head enveloped him. ”So fucking tight” Mickey hummed, clutching his hands into fists and then flattening them again as he got used to the feeling of being connected like this again.

 

”Fucking perfect cock”

 

The words were out of his mouth before he could think them through, but he was way too far gone to give a fuck. Ian’s eyes fell closed, his hands moving from Mickey’s hips to his ass, giving it a good squeeze, drawing a ragged moan out of Mickey.

 

His head was tilted back, eyes clenched shut. Ian moved his hands back to Mickey’s hips right as Mickey lifted himself, leaving only the very tip of Ian’s cock inside of him, and then he sank back down again.

 

”Fuck” Ian groaned, biting his lip so hard he could almost taste the blood.

 

Yes, this was completely different than yesterday. This time they knew where they stood, they knew what they wanted, and they knew what this was. It was so much better.

 

Mickey started riding Ian at a medium pace, hands clenching and unclenching. His short nails created red stripes on Ian’s perfect chest, and Ian moaned every time that it happened.

 

The only sound in the room were the slight slap slap whenever their skin touched and the moans and groans, blended with the occasional hiccup, falling out of their mouths. Mickey stopped riding Ian for a second, circling his hips a little bit as he stayed seated.

 

”Oh, fuck, Mickey!” Ian groaned, digging his finger tips deeper into Mickey’s flesh as he started lifting himself again, beginning to ride Ian even faster and harder than he had before. Ian started lifting his hips to meet Mickey’s movements, fucking up into him, starting to see white at the immense pleasure, and he wasn’t even there yet.

 

”Fucking right there” Mickey hiccuped suddenly, and Ian started fucking up into him even harder, making sure to hit that perfect spot every single time. ”So fucking close” Mickey cursed, digging his nails into Ian’s chest, creating marks that would probably last for at least an hour or two.

 

”Fuck, me too” Ian growled, and with that, they were both coming. Ian spilled into the condom as Mickey shot his load all over both of their chests, all but screaming as he did so.

 

He stayed seated as they throbbed through their highs, bodies flushed red with pleasure. Finally, Mickey collapsed onto Ian’s chest, his cock still inside of him.

 

”That was…” Ian sighed. ”Fucking amazing” Mickey hummed, feeling his throbbing body asking for sleep. ”Think we woke the twins up?”

 

”Nah” Mickey said. ”They’d sleep through anything” He sighed, easing himself off of Ian’s soft cock, wincing at the sudden emptiness.

 

Ian rolled the condom off of himself and tied it off, throwing it to the side before tugging Mickey closer to him, if only by habit.

 

”Ian…” Mickey sighed, forcing himself to pry Ian’s arms off of him. As much as he wanted to just say ’ _fuck it_ ’ and stay in the bed, curled up against Ian’s side, he couldn’t.

 

That wasn’t where they were at right now and they had both agreed on it.

 

”Fine” Ian sighed, sitting up and reaching for his boxers. When he stood up, reaching for the rest of his clothes, Mickey forced himself not to acknowledge the lump in his throat.

 

Someday.

 

Ian threw his shirt back on and turned back to Mickey, looking down at him.

 

”Call you tomorrow?” Mickey nodded.

 

”Yeah”

 

Ian fought the urge to bend down and drop a kiss to those perfect pink lips surrounded by stubble burn, and instead went for the door.

 

Someday Mickey would be ready to fully accept Ian back into his life, but today just wasn’t that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very appreciated!! Hope you all have an amazing day <3


	8. In Between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was crazy, really.
> 
> How even after all of these years separated, they could just be like this. Know each other like this, flirt like this. As if they had never been apart at all.

The next morning, Mickey took a hot shower to try to soothe the soft ache in his muscles that only really fucking good sex could bring. The memories of the previous night flashed in and out of his memory, but this time, it made him all happy and warm instead of filling him with dread like it had yesterday.

 

The hot water pounded down over his body as a small smile made its way onto his face. Even though they weren’t back together, he was happy.

 

For now, this was the way that he wanted it, and the way that it had to be. The fact that they had decided to only fuck each other may have also played apart in Mickey’s jolly mood, but he decided not to think about that too much.

 

Right now, it looked like they would be together again at some point, but he was happy that they weren’t rushing into anything. He needed this time to think, to figure things out. Mickey ran a hand through his wet hair and twisted the knob, stopping more water from pouring out.

 

When he was dressed, he ruffled the towel through his hair to dry it a little bit, and then he hung it up over the shower door and entered the bedroom again. He - for once - actually took the time to make his bed, albeit sloppily, and then he exited his bedroom and went over to Briana’s door.

 

His fist hit the wood three times, and he waited a couple of seconds before he heard the voice from downstairs.

 

”I’m up!”

 

Mickey went over to Brian’s door, not bothering to knock, because he knew that his son would still be passed out in bed, it was way too early for him. Well, technically, it was too early for everybody but some people forced themselves up instead of relying on their father to wake them.

 

”Hey” Mickey said, shaking the big lump under the covers. ”It’s time to get up, sport”

 

The deep voice groaned, and then he flipped over to his back, eyes fluttering open.

 

”Alright. I’ll be right down” Mickey raised his eyebrows. If he left now, Brian would just flip back over and start snoring again.

 

”Now” He said, heading for the door.

 

When he had one foot out in the hallway, Brian sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. Mickey gave him a small nod and left the door half open, heading down the stairs to the kitchen.

 

Briana was standing by the stove, carefully putting some eggs into the boiling water.

 

”Morning bud” Mickey dropped a kiss to the top of her head on the way to the refrigerator.

 

”Hey” She mumbled back.

 

”Morning, bro!” Mandy yelled from the couch, and it startled him a little bit.

 

”The fuck you doing here?”

 

”Hanging out. Lana had to go to work early”

 

Mickey ran a hand over his face, and Briana carefully put the last two eggs in the pot before turning to her dad.

 

”Do you think I’m gonna get into Dartmouth?” Mickey was a little bit surprised by the question.

 

For the past year, all he’d been hearing from her - well, college wise, anyway - was how she would work her ass off to make sure that they accepted her. He frowned and put the milk down onto the kitchen island, pushing the fridge door closed with his elbow.

 

”Sure, if you work for it” He nodded. ”Something on your mind, bud?”

 

Briana shrugged, turning the fan on over the stove to eliminate some of the steam.

 

”I was thinking about Duke” Mickey nodded a little bit.

 

He had heard Brian talk about Duke a little bit, but not Briana. Of course he would support his kids no matter what schools they would apply to, or where they would end up. The problem was that Mickey didn’t really have much experience with college.

 

Sure, he went to get his degree, but that was in his twenties, and it had only been a few classes at the community college. It wasn’t the same thing as being seventeen and having all of these different options.

 

Besides, on the south side, nobody really even thought about it, so he didn’t assume that there had been that kind of chatter going around the schools, and if there had been, he was never there, so he wouldn’t have known.

 

”Alright, when did you start thinking about that?” Mickey asked, getting the froot loops out of the cabinet. Briana sighed, shrugging again.

 

”They have campus tours this weekend, and Brian really wants to go. I figured maybe I should too, you know, to have options” Mickey nodded, nudging her side a little bit to get her to move so that he could get the bowls out of the cupboard.

 

”That would be a good idea” He agreed. ”But how are you going to get there? It’s a ten hour drive, and I’m not buying you plane tickets” Mickey stated.

 

Briana shrugged, and a smile painted her face - the kind of smile that Mickey recognized as the ’ _Daddy, can I please…?_ ’ smile.

 

”It’s actually probably closer to fifteen hours what with getting gas and stopping for food…” She said. ”So Brian and I were hoping that we could take the car and go by ourselves”

 

Mickey was standing with his back towards his daughter, preparing his own breakfast, but at that, he turned, raising his eyebrows.

 

”You’re not going on a fifteen hour drive alone. You’re not even eighteen”

 

Mickey knew that she felt like an adult - god knows he had at that age - and maybe she was. But a part of him wanted to keep his kids kids for as long as possible, because as soon as they were out of the house, he would have to face the reality.

 

Like with Yevgeny.

 

It didn’t matter that Mickey still saw him as his baby - and yes, he was aware of how creepy and cheesy that sounded, but it was fucking true - Yev wasn’t a baby. He was a fully functioning college student, and maybe that was part of the reason why Mickey wanted to keep Brian and Briana small for as long as he could.

 

He wasn’t insane about it. He let them drink, he let them smoke, he let them go to parties - not that he probably would have been able to stop any of those things from happening anyway. But he didn’t want them to go on a college campus tour alone.

 

”Fine, you come” She shrugged. ”I just really want to go, see if I want to apply. Brian does, too” Mickey nodded slowly, thinking it over. He didn’t have anything planned this weekend - well, he was planning to have Ian drill him into the mattress as many times as possible, but he could do that some other time.

 

”Let me think about it, okay, bud?” He asked, and she nodded, seeming at least semi pleased with that answer.

 

”Think about what?” Brian came trudging into the kitchen, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He looked exhausted, he hadn’t even bothered to close his jeans yet.

 

It wasn’t Mickey’s fault. If Brian hadn’t insisted on being on the basketball team, he could have slept another hour. Mickey frowned, forcing himself not to chuckle at how little his son could look at times.

 

”Asked dad about the tour at Duke” Briana mumbled, taking the eggs off of the stove and putting the pot in the sink, turning on the cold water. Brian hummed, zipping his pants up before reaching for the milk and filling a glass, putting it to his lips and chugging it.

 

”I really wanna go” He said when he had swallowed the white liquid. ”I know Pepperdine’s good, but I wanna look at something that’s closer, too” Mickey nodded.

 

Despite the fact that Duke was without a doubt closer than Pepperdine, it wasn’t close at all, but he didn’t comment on it. Honestly, though - a part of him had been happy that Brian wanted to go to Pepperdine, because that’s where Yevgeny was.

 

It would have been nice to know that his kids had a chance to support each other. But Mickey also knew that where you went to college would be with you forever, and you shouldn’t pick one based off of where your family is. ”I’ll think about it” Mickey repeated before spooning the last bit of cereal into his mouth.

 

”You guys want a ride?”

 

”Yeah, you got time?” Brian asked.

 

”Uh…” Mickey said, taking a quick look at the clock above the fridge. ”Yeah. I start in five hours”

 

”Fucking lucky” Briana mumbled, but Mickey chose not to comment on it, and instead exited the kitchen to get to the stairs.

 

His mind flashed back to last night when Ian had carried him up with ease, his arms wrapped around his waist. Mickey’s lips threatened to form a smile, and since no one was near, he let them.

 

When he made it into his bathroom, he grabbed the toothbrush, quickly giving his teeth a good scrub before spitting and heading back down the stairs again, grabbing his car keys and his phone.

 

”Brian, you’re gonna be late!” He yelled, and he could almost hear his son force his breakfast down his throat as fast as he could.

 

”Coming” Brian said, quickly darting down the hallway and past Mickey, up the stairs to his room.

 

”You sure you wanna go now?” Mickey asked Briana when she put her boots on. ”You start two hours after Brian, right? I can drive you later”

 

”Thanks” She said, struggling to get the second foot into her knee high boots. How the fuck she didn’t melt to death wearing those even in October, Mickey didn’t know. ”But the tutor center will be quiet now, and I really need to study”

 

”Alright” Mickey nodded. ”Let’s go” He added when Brian came down the stairs again, carrying his gym bag.

 

The drive to the school was quiet. Briana was sitting in the passenger seat, struggling not to fall asleep during the fifteen minutes it took to get there. Brian was sitting in the back, typing away on his phone. And Mickey was trying to focus on the road, but somehow his mind wanted to do anything but.

 

Images of the night before still clouded his thoughts, and a part of him felt like he could still feel Ian’s cock, buried deep inside of him. Fuck, had he missed that perfect cock.

 

And maybe the person attached to it, as well.

 

Mickey soon reached to turn the radio off, forcing the thoughts out of his head. This wasn’t the time. In fact, it wouldn’t be the time until late tonight, because he had shit that he needed to get done and he couldn’t have Ian inside of his head all day while he did.

 

”What time are you gonna be home?” Mickey asked the twins once he had parked the car.

 

”Probably pretty early” Brian said.

 

”Um…” Briana hummed, looking down at her phone. ”Seven. Eight, maybe. I’m not sure. I’m supposed to help Lena with her french”

 

”Alright. Any food requests?”

 

”No” Brian said, getting out of the car. ”See you later, dad”

 

”Bye, bud” Mickey answered. ”What about you?” He asked his daughter then.

 

”I don’t think so. Have you made your mind up about Duke?” She asked, pocketing her phone and rummaging through her bag, making sure that she had everything.

 

”You asked me half an hour ago” He reminded her. ”I’ll think about it until tonight, alright?”

 

”Alright. See you” Briana nodded, getting out of the car.

 

”Bye” Mickey saluted her.

 

When he saw her enter the school, he pulled away, heading back home again. He still had no idea what his answer would be about the campus tour. It wasn’t that Duke wasn’t a good school or that he didn’t want his kids to have the chance to see the place.

 

It was just that they could have told him a little bit earlier. Right know, he was leaning towards a yes, but if he was honest, spending eleven hours - most likely even longer - trapped in a moving metal box with his family had never ever been a good experience.

 

They got on each other’s nerves and screamed and drove each other completely crazy, and afterwards, they wouldn’t speak to each other for like an entire week.

 

Mickey sighed, running a hand over his face and through his now dry hair. He’d think about this later. Right now, he just wanted to get home and enjoy a couple of hours of doing whatever the fuck he wanted before he had to go into work.

 

But of course, Mandy was still there when he got back.

 

”The fuck are you still doing here?” He asked, toeing his shoes off and walking over to the couch, throwing himself onto it.

 

”Watching Sex and the City” Mickey frowned.

 

”That doesn’t tell me shit” Mandy rolled her eyes.

 

”Your TV’s bigger, asshole. That’s why I’m here”

 

Mickey sighed and fought the urge to go grab a beer from the fridge. He had to be at work in fours hours, it wouldn’t get him anywhere good. Instead he turned his attention to the television, trying to understand what the show that Mandy and Briana seemed so obsessed with was about.

 

”What’s that clown’s name again?” Mickey asked after a beat of silence. He had seen one or two episodes in passing whenever he was too tired to do anything but sit down on the couch next to one of them. Kind of like now.

 

”Big” Mandy said. ”Well, John, but she calls him Big” Mickey snorted. ”It’s not fucking like that, asshole” She flipped him off

 

”Whatever. I liked the other dude better” He sighed, too tired to care about the fact that he had just admitted to having an opinion on the Big/Aidan drama. And yes, Briana had filled him in a little bit.

 

”You’re not my brother anymore” Mandy stated, and Mickey chuckled.

 

”Not my fault he’s hotter than that douche”

 

”You just like him ’cause he looks like Heath Ledger” Mandy mumbled. ”Have a little respect for the dead”

 

Mickey rolled his eyes, seeing a thousand ways this argument could go on, but he couldn’t be bothered. Instead he leaned his head back, closing his eyes for a minute. Damn it, Ian Gallagher knew how to wear him out.

 

In the best fucking way possible.

 

”You look happy” Mandy commented after a while, and Mickey lifted his head to look at her, shrugging.

 

”I guess” Even though Mandy knew they had fucked the other night, he didn’t want her to know the rest. God knows his sister couldn’t keep her mouth shut for shit. At least not about these things. Mandy reached for the remote, muting the show before turning towards Mickey.

 

”Did something more happen between you and Ian?”

 

”Mandy” He warned. If he was honest, Mandy was a manipulative bitch, and if she just tried some more, he would crack, he knew he would. So did she, for that matter. And he didn’t want that, fuck, he had just figured out what was going on himself.

 

”Mickey, come on. Just fucking talk to me, I’m the reason you’re back together after all these years”

 

”No you’re not” Mickey said. She seemed to forget that they had met once before that forced dinner. ”And we’re not back…” Mickey groaned. ”You know what, just let it go, Mands. Fucking please”

 

Had he known this was where she would go with things, he would have stuck with the Big/Aidan debate. However unnecessary it may have been.

 

”Alright, fine” Mandy put her hands up in mock defense before standing up. ”Next subject. Duke”

 

Mickey groaned lowly again, running a hand over his face and up through his hair.

 

”Can’t I fucking relax for one second?”

 

”No, no, listen, Mick. I was just gonna say that if you say yes, I wanna come too. I kind of really want to see Duke. I mean, we never got to do this kind of thing” Mickey looked at her, squinting.

 

”You want to come on a college campus tour?” Mandy nodded. ”Why the fuck?” She shrugged.

 

”I just fucking told you. I never had the chance to do it, you didn’t either, really. Not like this. Might be fun” Mickey tilted his head a little bit to the side.

 

On one hand, spending ten to fifteen hours locked in a car with his kids and his sister didn’t seem like something he would ever be willing to put himself through. One hour was usually enough to drive him insane.

 

But on the other hand, Mandy was right. They were from the fucking south side, and even though some of the kids from there do work hard and get into college, the Milkovich’s had never been those people.

 

Of course Mickey had gotten his act together, but that had been in his twenties and he hadn’t had a choice. Besides, his college experience hadn’t been a normal one. He had had two babies and a small child at home, sure the mothers had been there, but still.

 

He hadn’t had the time to really go to college, even though he had taken the classes. Seeing a campus and really looking around might be kind of fun once they were actually there. And if Brian or Briana were to actually end up at Duke, he would be a little bit calmer to have seen the place.

 

He had gone on Yevgeny’s college campus tour at Pepperdine a few years back, so maybe it was only fair.

 

”Alright” Mickey finally sighed, nodding. ”We’ll go” Mandy nodded.

 

”Give me the details later, I gotta go home. Do some work”

 

”See ya” Mickey saluted her, and she flipped him off as a goodbye right as she exited the house through the back door.

 

When the door slammed, Mickey tipped his head backwards again, letting out a deep sigh. His eyes fell closed, and his mind went back to last night again, it was as if he couldn’t avoid it.

 

As soon as he got the smallest moment to himself, he would relive it and he couldn’t do anything about it, not that he wanted to. As far as he was concerned, right now, everything was perfect. With Ian, that was. He didn’t have to worry about avoiding him, or being jealous of Ian possibly fucking other people, because they had agreed that they wouldn’t.

 

And yet, they weren’t back together. Not really, at least.

 

Mickey felt good about this, really good. He didn’t know what the fuck had made Ian change his mind about this, but he was fucking happy that he had. The fucking wasn’t even the only thing that he replayed from last night.

 

There had also been the warm, almost fuzzy, soft feeling in his stomach when he had come home to find Ian in the kitchen with the kids, cooking. Making himself at home. Now, alone, Mickey could almost admit that that’s what he wanted with Ian at some point.

 

To come home to that every night. Almost - that was. Mickey wasn’t there yet, and Ian had accepted that. More importantly - Mickey had accepted that. He knew now that he wanted Ian back, but he didn’t need to rush anything, he didn’t want to rush anything and they were both okay with that.

 

It was as if a huge fucking rock had been lifted off of his chest the second they had cleared all of this up. Mickey realized that a huge fucking grin had stretched its way across his face, and he couldn’t be bothered to wipe it off.

 

Later that day, after work, Mickey pulled up to that coffee shop and parked his car. His eyelids were feeling heavy and he decided that if he was going to make it home without crashing into a palm tree, he would need some caffeine in his system.

 

He yawned and ran a hand over his eyes before grabbing his wallet and car keys and exiting the car, going for the door of the small building. Thankfully, there was only one person before him.

 

”A large ice coffee” He ordered when it was his turn.

 

He couldn’t remember the last time he drank hot coffee - well, not here at least, at home was another thing. In the Miami heat, it just seemed completely unnecessary. He was waved to the side, and he fished his phone out of his pocket as he waited for his drink to be ready.

 

 **Yev:** _I think I’ll be home by december 15th. I miss all of you_

 

Mickey couldn’t help but smile down at the screen. It was more than a month until December fifteenth, but he wished it would be here already. His oldest son had been a constant in his life for almost as long as he could remember.

 

It was really weird not having him around anymore. Mickey missed him. A lot.

 

 **Mickey:** _We can’t wait to see you. Miss you too._

 

While he waited for his coffee and a reply, he went through the other couple of missed text messages he had.

 

 **Svetlana:** _Call me_

 

 **Ian:** _Can’t stop thinking about last night_

 

Mickey gnawed on his bottom lip, deciding to answer Ian first.

 

 **Mickey:** _Now’s not the time_

 

He hoped that Ian wouldn’t take it personally, but it seemed that they still knew each other pretty well even after all this time, and if that was true, Ian would know Mickey didn’t mean anything by it.

 

Next, Mickey quickly typed a reply and sent it to Lana.

 

 **Mickey:** _Give me five minutes_

 

Once that was sent, Mickey pocketed his phone again, letting out a deep sigh and hoping that his coffee would be finished before he passed out of pure exhaustion.

 

A few minutes later, Mickey finally had the drink in his hand and he headed back out to his car, already feeling the energy seep back into his muscles at the few gulps he had taken so far.

 

When he made it into the vehicle, he grabbed his phone again, calling Lana even though he didn’t know what the fuck she wanted.

 

 _”Hello”_ Her voice rang into his ear.

 

”Hey, what’d you want?” Mickey asked, taking another big sip of the coffee as he waited for an answer.

 

 _”I was thinking about a christmas present for our son”_ Mickey frowned.

 

”Little early, isn’t it?”

 

 _”No, because I was thinking about a new car. It would take time to find a good one”_ Mickey nodded a little bit to himself, thinking it over.

 

Yevgeny did have a car, but it was old and cheap and it broke down more times than it started. All because he had wanted to do something for himself, and it had been the only one that he had been able to afford at the time.

 

God knows the twins would be pissed, but Mickey had been planning on getting them a car eventually anyway. Not this christmas, but sometime next year. Yevgeny had certainly earned it. He worked hard and he was a good man.

 

This may be the best idea Mickey’s ex wife had had in years, and it surprised Mickey that he hadn’t thought about it himself.

 

”Alright. You find one and I’ll pay half?” Mickey asked.

 

_”That sounds good. Have you heard from him today?”_

 

”Uh…” Mickey started before taking another sip of the coffee. ”Yeah. He’s coming home around the fifteenth”

 

_”Alright, that also sounds fine. I have to go, Mandy just got home”_

 

”Yeah, just let me know how much I have to pay for the car so I can do it as soon as possible”

 

_”I will. Bye”_

 

”Bye”

 

Mickey hung up the phone and finished off the coffee before driving home.

 

When he walked into the house, he heard music blasting from Brian’s room, letting him know that his son was home. Briana said she would be home around this time, but there was no light coming from her room, so Mickey assumed she wasn’t here yet.

 

Mickey walked up the stairs and knocked on Brian’s room, waiting for the music to be turned down before letting himself in. Brian was laying on his stomach on top of the covers, typing away on his computer.

 

”Just thought I’d let you know I’m back”

 

”Alright. What time’s dinner? I’m hungry” Mickey shrugged.

 

”I don’t know what to make yet. Probably about twenty minutes, sound good?”

 

”Yeah” Brian nodded.

 

”Your sister home yet?”

 

”Not as far as I know, you want me to text her?”

 

”I can do it, thanks bud” Mickey said and exited his room, dragging the door closed behind him and walking down the stairs again.

 

When he made it to the kitchen, he fished his phone out of his pocket and typed a quick message to his daughter.

 

 **Mickey:** _Dinner at Lena’s or should I make enough for you?_

 

He put the phone down on the counter and walked over to the fridge, rummaging around after something to make into a meal. Fuck, everything went fast in this house. Maybe that was the downside to having two teenagers.

 

Like two fucking dogs, eating everything that they can get a hold of. And for what? So that they could grow and get stronger? Fuck that shit, they were both way too tall already. And yes, they were tall. It wasn’t that Mickey was short. Mickey’s height was completely normal.

 

He found a packet of fresh pasta and some premade mac and cheese sauce. Good enough.

 

Mickey was way too exhausted to find something better right now. His phone beeped, displaying Briana’s reply.

 

 **Briana:** _Make for me. On my way home._

 

Mickey nodded to himself and walked over to the sink, filling a pot with the water and putting it onto the stove to heat up. With all of the Ian drama that had been clouding his mind for the past few weeks, this was kind of nice. To just make dinner for his family, it was normal, something he had been doing for years.

 

 

”Have you made a decision about this weekend?” Briana asked later that night when they were cleaning up after dinner.

 

Brian looked up from his phone and raised his eyebrows, obviously very curious as well.

 

”Yeah” Mickey cleared his throat, wiping down the kitchen counter. ”We’re going. Aunt Mandy’s coming too”

 

”Really?” Brian asked, and Mickey nodded.

 

”Only fair, right? I kind of wanna see the place too, in case one of you ends up there. Or both”

 

”Thank you!” The twins said at the same time, and Mickey smiled.

 

”Yeah, yeah. Now go to bed, I’m not gonna go through the hell of waking two corpses up tomorrow morning because you went to sleep too late”

 

Brian and Briana both seemed ecstatic at the fact that they would get to go on the campus tour, and it made Mickey really happy to see them that way.

 

Had anybody told him twenty five years ago that he would be getting joy out of making other people happy, he probably wouldn’t have believed them. But here he was, and it all felt really fucking good.

 

His life, the kids, the house. Ian. Everything.

 

 

Another few hours later, Mickey was laying in his bed, mindlessly staring up at the roof when his phone dinged, alerting him of a new text message. He reached for the phone on the night stand and his eyes screamed at the bright light of the screen.

 

 **Ian:** _How about now?_

 

Mickey smiled, typing back.

 

 **Mickey:** _Now’s good_

 

 **Mickey:** _What’s up?_

 

 **Ian:** _Not much_

 

 **Ian:** _Kind of miss you_

 

 **Mickey:** _Non of that shit man_

 

Mickey sighed as he pressed send. Maybe it was cruel, but he was just getting used to being in this in between stage with Ian. And while today had gone fine, and it felt great, Mickey wasn’t ready to hear any _'I miss you’_ s' or _'I love you’_ s'.

 

It didn’t matter if they both felt those things, it would have to wait.

 

 **Ian:** _Right_

 

 **Ian:** _Sorry_

 

 **Mickey:** _It’s okay, don’t worry about it_

 

 **Ian:** _Do you have any time to meet up this weekend?_

 

Mickey gnawed on his bottom lip, wishing that he could. Fuck, he craved the feeling of Ian’s cock inside of him. But he had promised the twins, and he would never go back on that.

 

 **Mickey:** _As much as I would love to spend the entire weekend with your cock down my throat, I can’t_

 

 **Mickey:** _I gotta be up in nc_

 

 **Ian:** _What’s in north carolina?_

 

 **Mickey:** _Duke_

 

 **Mickey:** _College campus tour_

 

 **Ian:** _Oh ok_

 

 **Ian:** _You’re gonna be gone all weekend?_

 

 **Mickey:** _Yep_

 

 **Mickey:** _We’re driving_

 

 **Mickey:** _Maybe we can fuck on sunday night_

 

 **Mickey:** _Depends on how many fucking stops Mandy insists on_

 

 **Ian:** _Phone sex on the table?_

 

Mickey grinned down at the screen like a thirteen year old school girl

 

 **Mickey:** _Play your cards right, Gallagher_

 

 **Mickey:** _Gotta get a motel at some point, right?_

 

He could just imagine Ian chuckling down at the phone as he received Mickey’s texts, and it made him all fucking warm inside. Just like it had yesterday when he came home. Which reminded him

 

 **Mickey:** _I don’t think I ever thanked you, by the way_

 

 **Ian:** _For?_

 

 **Mickey:** _Showing up yesterday. Cooking_

 

 **Mickey:** _It was nice_

 

 **Ian:** _Anytime_

 

 **Mickey:** _I should probably crash_

 

 **Ian:** _Me too_

 

 **Ian:** _Tomorrow?_

 

 **Mickey:** _Yeah_

 

 **Mickey:** _Tomorrow_

 

Mickey locked the phone and put it back onto the night stand before laying down more comfortably in bed, staring up at the ceiling again.

 

It was crazy, really.

 

How even after all of these years separated, they could just be like this. Know each other like this, flirt like this. As if they had never been apart at all.

 

That night, Mickey fell asleep with a smile on his lips, and he couldn’t even blame himself for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm exhausted. My eyes are stinging. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are always very, very much appreciated! <3


	9. Road Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He loved his kids and his sister more than anything else, but lock them all up in a metal box together and you get the fucking shining. Or the orphanage. Or whatever other fucking creepy ass horror movie that nobody would ever want to be a part of.

After bickering back and forth, Mickey had finally decided to take Friday off from work, and call in sick for Brian and Briana as well so that they could get an early start and be at Duke on Saturday.

 

Then there wouldn’t be any stress about being back on time or being too tired to go to school and work on Monday. Mickey really wished these campus tours could be scheduled at a better time, but apparently, that’s not how they did it this year. Or maybe any year, fuck did he know?

 

Mandy called in sick from work for Friday as well, and come Thursday night, all four of them were sitting in Mickey’s living room along with Svetlana, a movie playing on the big ass television that Mickey had somehow convinced himself to get.

 

Mandy was curled up in Lana’s lap, Lana’s arms tightly wrapped around her, pressing the occasional kiss to her lips or the side of her neck. As much as it disgusted Mickey to see his sister kiss her wife - or anybody, for that matter - he couldn’t help but sort of wish that Ian was here.

 

Not to act like them, or even to touch, really, but it was just that Mickey hadn’t seen him since that night he came over to make dinner - among other things - and maybe he missed Ian a little bit. Mickey didn’t know what was stopping him from picking up the phone and telling him so, asking him to come over. But he knew that something was.

 

And the best thing about being in this in between stage was that he knew that that was okay. Not just with himself, but he knew that Ian was completely okay with it as well. Mickey didn’t need to be with him or without him, they were just Ian and Mickey, and for now that was enough.

 

He had a hard time focusing on the movie, because his mind was everywhere but. He wasn’t just thinking about Ian, but about this weekend, too. Mickey had never even been on a college campus tour - well, he had been to Yevgeny’s, but it had been different somehow.

 

Yevgeny had always sort of taken care of himself, and he had known what he wanted to look at and when, and Mickey knew that the twins - god love them - barely knew where their legs were half the time. Not when it came to trips of any sort, at least.

 

Out of the corner of Mickey’s eye, he saw Mandy and Lana’s hands lace together, their gold bands touching. A part of him wondered if he and Ian would ever - nope. That thought stopped right fucking there. He couldn’t go there, not now. Not for a long time.

 

Mickey sighed, running his hands over his face and trying his best to focus on the movie for the last fifteen minutes of it. A couple of hours later, the twins had gone to bed and Mandy was sitting on the couch, answering work emails on her ipad.

 

Mickey and Lana were cleaning up in the kitchen after dinner - and breakfast, because Mickey had been too lazy this morning. He scratched the side of his face a little bit and took a couple of steps out of the kitchen to make sure his sister wasn’t paying him any mind.

 

Then he looked to Svetlana.

 

”Hey, um…” He started, voice very quiet. Since there were no walls between the kitchen, dining room and living room, there was a very good chance Mandy would ease drop if he spoke any louder. And Mickey was really not willing to deal with her nosiness tonight.

 

”What do you want to talk about?” Lana whispered back, picking up on the fact that Mickey tried to make sure Mandy wouldn’t hear. ”I will not tell” Mickey nodded.

 

He wasn’t sure why he needed to tell somebody about this, but he did. Not to get advice or for someone to tell him he was doing the right - slash - wrong thing. Sometimes he just needed to vent, talk. Svetlana had always been his go to person for that kind of thing, and he had always been hers as well.

 

Maybe because frankly, they didn’t care that much about each other’s lives.

 

”Ian and I, we’re… fucking” Svetlana nodded.

 

”Mandy told me you did once” Mickey shook his head.

 

”Yeah, but then we talked and…” Mickey shrugged. ”We’re sort of back together? Sort of not, I don’t fucking know. It feels right, but I don’t want to tell Mandy yet. Or the twins, they’ll put too much weight on it, wanting it to last and shit”

 

Svetlana was wiping down the kitchen island as he spoke, but he could tell that she was listening.

 

”You don’t think it will last?”

 

”I don’t wanna think that far ahead” Mickey sighed. Honestly. He didn’t.

 

He couldn’t think about how many years, months, weeks or even days from now he was planning to still be with Ian. Because he didn’t have an answer - fuck, he didn’t even know if they would truly end up being together together at any point. Maybe this was all they would ever end up being again. Lana nodded.

 

”You are happy like this?”

 

”Yeah” Mickey said without hesitation. ”I am. For now, this is good” Svetlana raised her head, looking into Mickey’s eyes with a small smile on her face.

 

”I think you are doing the right thing. Orange boy broke your heart, but I have also never seen you happier. You really loved him. You still do” Mickey smiled at the old nickname.

 

”Yeah” He sighed, nodding. ”I do. Thanks” Just talking like this, it helped.

 

And it made Mickey see everything clearer, even if his sight wasn’t hazey to begin with. If he was honest, he was incredibly grateful that Svetlana was still in his life, even after all this time. Svetlana nodded.

 

”I should get Mandy and go home” Mickey nodded and she exited the kitchen, going into the living room.

 

”Night, asswipe!” Mickey heard Mandy yell minutes later.

 

”Bye, loser!” He called back without hesitation, and then the door slammed, and he was left alone in the kitchen, staring at the sparkling marble counter top.

 

In the quietness of an all but empty house, his mind started drifting again. Mickey didn’t want to doubt that he was doing the right thing, because he vaguely remembered being told once that the right thing was what felt good.

 

And this felt good. He believed so, at least. However, for some fucked up reason, these last few days, he had been starting to doubt it more and more. When he and Ian had first made up all of this rules and made everything completely clear in between them, he had been happy.

 

Like eleven year old school girl with a crush, happy. But now, with not seeing Ian for a few days and having a lot of alone time with his thoughts and reflections, he realized that maybe this wasn’t it.

 

Maybe this wasn’t what he needed, maybe this wasn’t what he craved. And okay, maybe a part of him was annoyed with not seeing Ian for almost a week. Not annoyed with Ian or annoyed with himself, but just with the situation.

 

He found himself wondering where Ian was, what he was doing, and if some hot guy was currently hitting on him. This was all way too close to what Mickey had been like way back when. Back before they had gotten together, together in the very first place.

 

And he knew that it wasn’t fair. Ian would never cheat on him again - cheat? Was that even a thing when they weren’t actually together, by the way? Mickey ran a hand over his face. This shit was fucking draining him. What he meant was that Ian would never sleep with anybody else when they had agreed that they wouldn’t.

 

But what was he supposed to say? It was inevitable that Ian would get hit on, he was hot, nobody couldn’t deny that.

 

Was he supposed to say ’ _Yeah, I’m single, but I'm still not allowed to fuck you. Sorry_ ’ or ’ _No, I have a half, sort of boyfriend_ ’ It didn’t make any sense, and even there in the kitchen within the span of fifteen minutes, Mickey went back and forth from being comfortable with this agreement and uncomfortable with it well over ten times.

 

Was this always what it was like being in love? Confusing, hazey and distracting? Mickey couldn’t remember it ever being that way in the past, but then again, they had been two love high teenagers.

 

Most things got more confusing as you got older, maybe being in love was just one of those things.

 

He let out a deep sigh and got out of the chair, grabbing his phone and flicking the lights off. Once he had made sure that all of the doors and windows were locked, he headed up into his bedroom, stripping his clothes on the way over to the bed.

 

As Mickey was laying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling in the dark, his phone was still tucked into his hand, and his entire body was basically vibrating with the need to text Ian. Suddenly, he realized something. He realized what it was about getting back together with Ian that he wasn’t ready for.

 

Dependence.

 

When Ian had broken up with him, Mickey had realized that he had been so pathetically dependent on that boy that he didn’t know who the fuck he was without him. And maybe that was why it had taken him close to four years to fully get over him.

 

Because once upon a time, they had been one, and Ian walking away left him only a half. Later, when Nina had the twins and Mickey was a father again, he had been forced to be okay, to take care of himself along with the three kids he had.

 

He hadn’t had a choice, he had had to go back to college, get a job, not cry and not hurt. Mickey had been forced to depend on nobody but himself. And he knew, that as much as some of that was still there for Ian. In the way that he missed him, the way that he touched him.

 

The way that he thought about him… That kind of dependence was nothing compared to what Mickey had once had and what he would inevitably get again, were they to call each other boyfriend. Despite all of these thoughts spinning around in Mickey’s head, he picked up the phone and sent Ian a message before he could think better of it.

 

**Mickey:** _You awake?_

 

When Mickey heard the soft sound of the message heading over to Ian’s phone, he laid his head back against the pillow, closing his eyes. He didn’t even hear his own thoughts clearly over all of the chaos going on in his head.

 

It was like a fucking kindergarten class where everybody wanted to be heard and nobody yet knew how to wait for their turn. Every single one of Mickey’s thoughts wanted to be heard, and most of them were contradicting each other, driving him even more insane than he already was.

 

His phone beeped and his eyes fluttered open, struggling not to let in too much light all at once.

 

**Ian:** _Yeah. What’s up?_

 

Mickey sighed, typing another response back.

 

**Mickey:** _I think I’m going crazy or some shit_

 

It took only about fifteen seconds before his phone lit up again, this time with a phone call.

 

”Hey” He sighed into the receiver.

 

_”I’m supposed to be the crazy one, Mick. Not you”_ Ian chuckled lowly. _”What’s the matter?”_

 

Mickey let out another deep sigh, closing his eyes, drinking in the sound of Ian’s voice. He didn’t care how much of a chick it made him seem like, he fucking loved hearing Ian talk. It always calmed him down. Like his personal lullaby or some shit.

 

”I’m so fucking confused”

 

_”About us?”_ Ian guessed.

 

”Yeah” Mickey confirmed. ”I was happy with this, but I don’t know. It’s so weird. What are we even doing, man?” He unloaded, and he knew that Ian was listening to every single mumbled word.

 

_”Are you ready to call me your boyfriend?”_ Ian asked, and it sounded like he was already sure of the answer he would be getting.

 

”No” Mickey sighed, and he could just imagine Ian nodding.

 

_”So what’s so bad about this, huh? Pretty good middle ground if you ask me”_

 

”Yeah” Mickey agreed.

 

Because it was. It was perfect, and it wasn’t that Mickey would be able to let Ian go or that he was ready for a relationship, but somehow this felt shaky. And he didn’t want shaky.

 

”It just… feels shaky” He said out loud.

 

_”Like I’m not completely with you”_ Ian stated.

 

It wasn’t a question, and the fact that Mickey only sighed as a response was answer enough that he was completely correct.

 

_”I am”_ His voice poured into Mickey’s ear a beat later. _”Just because you’re not ready to kiss me or use labels, that doesn’t mean I’m not yours, Mick”_

 

A week ago - hell, even two days ago - a statement like that would probably have sent Mickey into full on panic mode. But now, it just made him feel warm. And all of a sudden, things didn’t feel shaky or hazey anymore.

 

And maybe that was it.

 

Maybe Mickey just needed Ian to confirm what he already knew. That even though they weren’t together, they were still them.

 

”Thanks” Mickey finally sighed, eyes staring up into the darkness. He heard Ian’s subtle hum, and it calmed him down ever further.

 

_”You ever need me to tell you that again you can always ask. I always will”_

 

The sides of Mickey’s mouth were pulled upwards at that, and his heart started beating for a whole other reason than it had ten minutes ago. Mickey swallowed, and they stayed on the phone, quiet for the next few minutes, just listening to each other breathe.

 

”Ian?” Mickey asked a while later. Ian hummed in response, probably too tired to do anything else. ”The thing you said the other night, can you…?” He trailed off, teeth gnawing on his bottom lip.

 

Mickey was thankful that Ian knew him well enough to know exactly what he was getting at and not forcing him to just come out and say it.

 

_”I love you”_

 

Mickey closed his eyes again, drinking in those words more than any of the other ones he had heard come out of Ian’s mouth tonight. It hit him like a truck, just like it had last time. Hearing Ian utter those few, meaningful words after so long, it almost made Mickey’s stomach flutter.

 

”Thank you” Mickey managed to breathe. _I feel it, too. I promise. I’m so sorry I can’t say it back._

 

_”You’re welcome”_ He heard that Ian was about to add ’ _Baby_ ’ but stopped himself. And for that he was grateful.

 

Hearing the first three words was enough for now, Mickey wasn’t sure that he would be able to handle the nickname.

 

”I should go” Mickey said then. ”Long drive”

 

_”Right. Duke”_ Ian hummed. _”Hear from you tomorrow?”_

 

”Yeah” Mickey agreed. ”Call you when we stop”

 

_”Alright”_

 

Their voices were soft, mumbling, skipping syllables. Not because they were nervous or awkward, but because they were comfortable.

 

Fuck, it hadn’t even been two months since they first ran into each other at that coffee shop, but it felt as if they had never been apart in the first place. Almost, at least.

 

_”Night, Mickey”_

 

”Night” Mickey said back, and then he pulled the phone away from his ear and ended the call, carefully laying the device onto the side table.

 

 

”You got everything?” Mickey asked the twins the next morning while they were all loading up Mandy’s jeep with their stuff.

 

Personally, he didn’t really understand how Briana could possibly end up using or needing two big bags of shit, they were barely going to be gone for two days. But over the years he had learned to shut up about things like that because ’ _You’re not a girl, you don’t understand_ ’.

 

And yes, Mandy would always back her niece up, leaving Brian and Mickey - and Yev whenever he was home - to hold their hands up in surrender and nod. These things happened a lot.

 

”Yeah, got it” Briana answered him, throwing her smaller bag in top of the bigger one and then slamming the car closed. ”Where’s Brian?”

 

”Brushing his teeth” Mandy answered her brother as she came out of the house, a bag of her own swung over her shoulder along with some big wallet thing in her hand. Mickey couldn’t for the life of himself understand any of this shit, but just like the over packing thing, he had since long learned to let it go.

 

”Lana coming?” Mickey asked then, and Mandy shook her head.

 

”No, she’s got work to do” Mickey nodded.

 

Honestly, he was very happy with that answer. Not because he had even the slightest problem with Lana these days, he loved her just as much as he loved Mandy - not that he would ever say it. It was just that he’d rather be aware that Mandy was laying on the other side of the motel wall sexting her wife than actually hearing them doing it.

 

Fuck lesbians and fuck women’s ability to have multiple orgasms.

 

Also, if all five of them were to go, the car would get incredibly cramped and Mickey knew that he would be annoyed enough as it is. Every single time they get home after a road trip, Mickey always curses himself for agreeing to it.

 

There’s fighting, bickering, and worst of all - fucking games and singing. Who thought that shit was a good idea? Why can’t everyone just shut the fuck up until they’re all out of the small, cramped metal box? And every time they get home he’s always surprised that they didn’t end up killing each other, and - fuck. Now he was starting to realize that this wasn’t a good idea after all. But he would have to suck it up.

 

”Yo, we ready to go?” Brian asked as he exited the house a couple of minutes after his aunt.

 

”Yeah, could you lock the door, bud?” Mickey asked before getting into the drivers seat and turning the car on.

 

Brian did so and he and Mandy got into the backseat, Briana calling shotgun. Mickey took a deep breath and started driving, praying that this road trip wouldn’t be nearly as bad as the ones they had gone on in the past.

 

But of course - it was.

 

Only an hour and twenty minutes into the trip, Mandy was on her phone, texting, bare feet thrown up in between the front seats, a nasty habit Mickey had asked her to kick multiple times, but it never did him any good, so at this point, he had learned to just take it.

 

Briana was chattering loudly on her phone to one of her friends - Mickey wasn’t listening to the words per say. And Brian went between falling asleep - and snoring - yelling at Briana for being so loud, and asking Mickey to slow down because he was getting sick.

 

Holy fuck, why did Mickey even agree to this shit again?

 

There were at least ten hours left, probably a hell of a lot more with all the stops they inevitably would have to take to keep from murdering each other. Alas, they were already on the road and there was nothing Mickey could do about it right now, so he settled for keeping his mouth shut and keeping his eyes on the road - making sure to be on the lookout for any signs telling him that they were getting closer and closer to the light at the end of family nightmare tunnel.

 

The hours and miles ticked by and Mickey could only be thankful that his family left him out of whatever they were bickering about, because honestly, he couldn’t have paid attention even if he had wanted to.

 

He loved his kids and his sister more than anything else, but lock them all up in a metal box together and you get the fucking shining. Or the orphanage. Or whatever other fucking creepy ass horror movie that nobody would ever want to be a part of.

 

”Mandy” Mickey said tiredly almost four hours into the drive.

 

”Yeah?” She mumbled back, her head tilted backwards, eyes closed, obviously hoping to get some sleep. Too fucking bad.

 

”Can you drive?” Mandy sighed deeply, but finally lifted her head, nodding.

 

”Yeah, yeah. Find somewhere to pull over”

 

It took Mickey almost another half hour to find a good place to do so, but once he did, he and Mandy switched places without really saying anything. Brian and Briana were asleep, or at least on the brink of it. It wasn’t late at all, and they had all gotten a pretty good night of sleep as far as Mickey knew, but maybe something about a road trip, being in a moving vehicle for such a long period of time just made people sleepy.

 

He could feel it himself as Mandy started driving. It was comforting. He was almost asleep when his phone vibrated on his thigh, displaying Ian’s name.

 

**Ian:** _How’s the road trip going?_

 

Mickey smiled before he could stop himself, god, he was a sap. Thankfully, Mandy was focused on the road and the twins were still sleeping. He nibbled on his bottom lip as he typed a response.

 

**Mickey:** _Terrible_

 

**Mickey:** _Fighting and stinky fucking feet_

 

Mickey sent the messages right after each other and he could just imagine Ian sitting on his couch, staring down at the screen, chuckling. Fuck, he wished he was there with him.

 

**Ian:** _Mandy still does that thing with her feet between the seats?_

 

**Mickey:** _Yep_

 

**Ian:** _I feel sorry for you_

 

**Mickey:** _You fucking should_

 

**Mickey:** _Wish I could get some dick pics but I gotta feeling now is not the time_

 

**Ian:** _Probably not no_

 

**Ian:** _Text me when you check into a motel_

 

**Ian:** _I’ll send you anything you want ;)_

 

**Mickey:** _Did you just send me a fucking winky face?_

 

**Ian:** _Cheer up, Mick_

 

**Mickey:** _Easy for you to say_

 

**Mickey:** _But ok_

 

**Mickey:** _I will_

 

**Ian:** _Cheer up or ask for dick pics?_

 

**Mickey:** _Dick pics man_

 

**Ian:** _Oh_

 

**Ian:** _Well good luck_

 

**Mickey:** _Thanks_

 

**Ian:** _…_

 

Mickey sighed, knowing exactly what those three dots meant. _Do you want me to say I love you?_ That’s how well they fucking knew each other.

 

**Mickey:** _Nah. Save it for when I get back_

 

**Ian:** _Alright. Talk to you later?_

 

**Mickey:** _Yeah_

 

Mickey sighed and locked the phone, putting it back onto the small sliver of seat next to him. Man, that guy would be the fucking death of him.

 

 

Eight hours - and a fuck ton of stops - later, Mickey pulled up to the motel. There had been talk about just changing drivers and crash in the car so that they could arrive at Duke earlier, but they had decided to get a couple of rooms anyway.

 

They ended up getting three rooms. Brian and Briana shared one, and Mandy and Mickey got one each, just because they could. And because Mandy would inevitably want to sext her wife, and Mickey wasn’t dealing with that shit.

 

Mickey threw himself back onto the hard, single bed in the small dark room, finally enjoying being without the bickering, the chattering and the engine of the car roaring.

 

Quietness.

 

Mickey hadn’t quite realized how much he appreciated it until right now. Honestly, the sounds weren’t a road trip thing. The twins were always loud and so was Mandy. It was just that when they were locked up all crammed together in that small space, it felt so much worse.

 

As if they just got ten fucking times louder, and all of the small annoying habits got a hundred times more annoying. Mickey sighed and took his pants off, getting under the covers, grabbing his phone. If he was honest, this felt kind of weird - to be this far away from Ian again.

 

And it shouldn’t, he knew that he shouldn’t have a problem with it, but fuck… he missed him.

 

When he was back in Florida he could always call Ian up and say ’ _Come over_ ’ even though he never really did. And Ian hadn’t even been back in Mickey’s life for six fucking weeks, how did he get this screwed up over one fucking guy?

 

Then again, he always had been completely fucked for Ian Gallagher.

 

Before he could really over think it, he had a text message typed out on his phone screen, and he sent it to Ian.

 

**Mickey:** _How about those dick pics?_

 

It wasn’t even a minute before Ian called him up, and he accepted it.

 

”Said pictures, Gallagher” Mickey said with a half smirk painting his lips, a hand already drifting down towards his boxers. Ian hummed.

 

_”Wanna do it like this. Fucking miss your voice”_

 

Mickey wasn’t sure how he felt about hearing those words yet, but he was way too horny to get hung up on it. Instead he let it slide.

 

”Yeah? You miss anything else?” He asked, wrapping a hand around his cock that had started to harden only at the sound of Ian’s voice.

 

He didn’t know what the fuck it was. Maybe it was the late night huskiness seeping though. Maybe it was the fact that Ian’s voice was so much darker now than it had been twenty years ago. Or maybe it was all of that and non of that at the same time.

 

Maybe the reason Mickey fucking loved Ian’s voice was that it was Ian’s voice. Maybe that was all there was to it. Listening to Ian talk made him calm and happy in a way that he had never really experienced before.

 

_”That perfect fucking ass”_ Mickey hummed.

 

He really wished he would have remembered the lube, but even so, he probably wouldn’t have had the energy to finger himself anyway. He’d save that for when he got back home.

 

Instead he started jerking himself lazily, swiping his thumb over the tip of his cock as he listened to Ian’s voice.

 

_”Wish I could fuck you so bad”_ Mickey let out another hum, closing his eyes.

 

”Want your cock so fucking bad, Ian”

 

He remembered exactly how it felt, tightly tucked inside of him, pushing against every single perfect button, driving him completely insane. Nothing would ever be able to beat Ian’s cock, fucking him deep into the mattress.

 

Mickey didn’t realize that he had said any of those things out loud until he heard Ian’s pleased groan and the soft slick slick slick of him getting himself off.

 

_”Nothing’s as good as your ass, baby”_ Ian sighed, and both of them were too gone to acknowledged the verbal slip up. _”Wanna fuck you so bad”_

 

Mickey sighed, dipping his head back into the pillow as he tightened his hand around his cock, adding a flick to his wrist, trying to mimic the actions that he knew Ian would do if he was here.

 

”Feels so fucking good, Ian. Want you” Mickey mumbled before digging his teeth into his bottom lip, feeling his balls begin to tighten already.

 

_”Want you too, Mick. So fucking close”_ Mickey hummed in response and sped up a little bit, imagining that it was in fact Ian getting him off.

 

”So close” Mickey sighed, and then they were both coming, groans pouring into each other’s ears as they covered their chests and sheets in come, necks flushed red.

 

They were quiet but stayed on the phone as they caught their breaths, trying to calm down. It hadn’t been mind blowing, and it never would be unless Ian was actually in the bed with him, but it had been fucking good, better than it ever could have been with anybody else. Mickey licked his lips, feeling them getting dry, worn out.

 

_”When the fuck are you coming home again?”_ In Ian’s voice there was a hint of humor, and it made Mickey chuckle.

 

”Sunday. Probably”

 

_”Yeah?”_

 

Mickey could hear Ian rip some tissues out of the box, and he silently cursed himself for not having any in the room. He should have been able to predict that he would need them.

 

”Yeah” He confirmed. ”Ian?” Ian hummed, and Mickey could tell that he was getting tired by now. ”Thank you”

 

_Thank you for being who you are. For being so fucking cool with not rushing into this shit. Thank you for being kind to my kids and for not judging me for having them. Thank you for being a completely different person than you were twenty years ago, and still somehow staying the exact same._

 

_Thank you for seeing me as a good person. All those years ago, and now, too. For believing in me. Seeing things in me that nobody else ever did. Thank you for giving me somebody that I can depend on, even if I don’t always choose to do so._

 

_Thank you so fucking much for sticking with me. For the fact that you never stopped loving me even through all of the shit that we put each other through. Thank you for not rushing me or pushing shit on me. Thank you for loving me and for being my Ian. You always will be._

 

Mickey - of course - didn’t say all of this, and he probably never ever would have the guts or the ability to. But he also didn’t have to.

 

Because the two of them had known each other for so fucking long. Mickey didn’t have to say these things, and Ian didn’t have to say them either. They just knew. Ian knew.

 

”Always, Mickey”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if these chapters are a little bit dull. There will be a ton of plot coming, but I just wanted to have a couple of chapters to breathe before we really get into the key plot points. 
> 
> Also, I'm exhausted - I'm talking eyes falling closed as I'm writing this exhausted - so I don't really know how this chapter turned out at all. I hope it's not too too terrible.


	10. Duke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian wasn’t bipolar disorder. Ian had bipolar disorder.
> 
> Ian was so much more than some stupid mental health issue. And even if he were to do something idiotic again, that didn’t mean that Mickey wouldn’t love him. That didn’t mean that he wouldn't still be the person that Mickey loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couple of things before this chapter: One, I'm not from the US, so I don't know how the fuck campus tours work there, I just used how they work here. If I got anything horribly wrong, feel free to tell me, however, I probably won't feel the need to spend time on changing it. Two, I believe that you get your drivers license at 16? It's 18 here, so I'm not sure.

In the morning, they all pack up their shit and get back into the car to finish the drive up to Duke. This time around it’s a lot quieter in the vehicle since everybody’s exhausted from sleeping on motel beds that could just as easily have been a cement floor.

 

Brian’s driving. Mickey had been hesitant, but he and Mandy were both sick of it and Briana had been too exhausted to do it, so he had folded and let his son have the wheel. After all, the twins had gotten their drivers licenses months ago and they had both passed with flying colors.

 

Mickey was sitting in the passenger seat, staring out the window, mind drifting in and out of the moving car. His mind was still buzzing with the thought of Ian, but not for the reason it had yesterday, or most of the days before.

 

No, now his brain was turning into complete mush because that conversation yesterday, and that ’ _I love you_ ’ the night before… it didn’t scare Mickey as much anymore. In fact, maybe he was even starting to become ready to… be more.

 

That, on the other hand _did_ scare him.

 

The thought that he loved this man so much that he would be willing to put himself through that pain again just to be happy for a few years. Who’s to say Ian wouldn’t get that sick again?

 

He was bipolar, and just because he was good now, that didn’t mean that he always would be. In fact, it most likely would get that bad again at some point. And yeah, Mickey knew that it was unfair, but he didn’t know whether he would be able to handle going through that again. It had easily been the worst time of his life.

 

But on the other hand, Ian wasn’t bipolar disorder. Ian _had_ bipolar disorder. Ian was so much more than some stupid mental health issue. And even if he were to do something idiotic again, that didn’t mean that Mickey wouldn’t love him. That didn’t mean that he wouldn't still be the person that Mickey loved.

 

If it was possible for Ian and Mickey to be together - to be happy, even after all this time… wasn’t it worth it? Even if it wouldn’t last forever? Mickey sighed, running a hand over his face. He knew the answer to that.

 

Fuck yes, it was worth it.

 

”You okay, bro?” Mandy asked from the backseat as she heard his heavy sigh.

 

”I’m fine” He assured her, turning his head to look at her, spotting his daughter sitting behind the drivers seat, completely decked out.

 

He couldn’t help but smile at how young she looked. How little. Mickey knew that as much as all of the shit with Ian had hurt, and how completely torn and broken he had been, he would go through it a thousand more times, because it had gotten him Brian and Briana.

 

It had gotten him his twins. And just like the whole Terry fiasco back when he was a teenager which had gotten him Yev, he wouldn’t take any of it back. Not in a million years.

 

Brian’s eyes were focused on the long, empty road ahead of them as his fists clenched the steering wheel. He knew that his sister hated these road trips - probably his father and Mandy, too.

 

But he couldn’t help but love it. All three of them were asleep by now, and the car was completely quiet except for the low hum of the engine. He liked the car like this. He liked his life like this. Brian was on the basketball team, he had a fairly large group of friends - well, people that he socialized with, at least - and not a lot of his time was spent at home or with his head buried in a text book.

 

Because of that - because of what a stereotypical guy he could look like from the outside - maybe a lot of people would think that it was strange. But he had never really liked noise. He had never really looked forwards to going over to a friend’s place.

 

No, this was his favorite thing to do. Just to sit in front of the wheel with his family around him. Enjoying the silence along with his own thoughts.

 

_’Here’s Johnny’_

 

Mickey and Briana were startled awake by Mandy’s - obnoxiously loud - text tone.

 

”Sorry” Mandy mumbled, picking the phone up to look at the screen as Mickey relaxed into the seat again, eyes out the window.

 

**Lana:** _Are you at the school yet? I miss you_

 

Mandy smiled down at the screen, quickly typing back.

 

**Mandy:** _Couple more hours. Miss you too baby_

 

She locked her phone and threw it onto the seat next to her, leaning her head back and closing her eyes, hoping she could grab a little bit more sleep before they made it to the campus.

 

”Aye, use your blinkers” Mickey warned his son half an hour later, dragging a groan out of the mini him.

 

”I liked you better when you were asleep” Mickey snorted in amusement, but it was cut short when he remembered the last time somebody had said those words to him.

 

 

_”You love Mickey?” Mickey’s heart stopped, his entire body freezing as he hesitated by the door frame. Fuck._

 

_”I like how he smells” He breathed out at that. Thank fucking god his boyfriend knew how to answer a question._

 

_”What you asking stupid fucking questions for?”_

 

_”I liked you better when you were asleep”_

 

 

Mickey shook his head to try to get rid of the memory for now, fighting the tears stinging his eyes.

 

”Sorry. You’re doing great, bud” He told Brian instead.

 

”Thanks, dad”

 

 

A little over an hour later, Brian pulled up to the campus parking lot which was already scattered with cars and bigger trucks.

 

”Holy fuck” Mandy cursed from the backseat. ”This place is fucking beautiful”

 

Her eyes were damn near ping pong balls and for the first time, she wished that she had actually gone to college. Well, at least this college. This place was fucking insane. They all got out of the car.

 

”Screw Dartmouth” Briana said jokingly, and Mickey’s lips were slightly parted as they looked up at one of the huge buildings.

 

”You think it looks good so far?” Mandy asked Brian, elbowing him in the side as he hadn’t said anything.

 

”What? Yeah, yeah” He nodded.

 

But to be fair, he had hoped that he wouldn’t like Duke too much. Of course, so far he had only seen a fraction of it, but he all but hated it. In fact, he could easily see himself going here, and it kind of bugged him.

 

It had always been Pepperdine. Even before his older brother got accepted. Pepperdine had always been where Brian was going to go, but suddenly he wasn’t so sure. He felt something tugging him to this place, like this was where he was meant to end up somehow.

 

The buildings were huge and beautiful, of course, but there was something else about it that made him love it. He didn’t really know what it was, it was more a warm feeling in his stomach than anything else. He already loved this place.

 

People were already starting to pour into the different buildings, all of them wanting to look at different things.

 

”Where do you guys wanna go first?” Mandy asked the twins.

 

Briana pulled some kind of brochure out of her pocket and unfolded it. Brian looked over her shoulder, pointing to something and saying something to Briana that Mickey couldn’t quite catch.

 

”I wanna look at the stadium” Brian said at the same time as Briana informed them that she wanted to see the science lab.

 

”Alright” Mickey nodded. ”Should we all go or split up?”

 

”How about you guys go see the science lab and I’ll go with Brian to the stadium?” Mandy asked, and they all nodded at that idea.

 

”Call you when we feel done?” Brian said as they started walking in different direction.

 

”Yeah, yeah” Briana said back, and she and Mickey set off towards one of the bigger buildings where the map showed that the science lab should be.

 

They walked in silence for a moment before Mickey broke it.

 

”You excited to be here, bud?” Briana nodded.

 

”Yeah. I mean I always thought Dartmouth would be where I would end up, but I kind of like this place” She informed him. ”Think I would be able to get in?” She asked for the fifth time that week. Mickey’s answer always remained the same.

 

”Work hard and I’m sure you’ll get in, Bri” He said, eyes in front of him.

 

”I’m really nervous” She sighed then.

 

”You don’t have to be. If you wouldn’t get in here, you’ll get in somewhere. At least you’re not like I was. Brian’s not either” Briana frowned.

 

Her father had never told them much about the time before he had had them, and honestly, she wasn’t sure that she wanted to know. The only thing they ever really got if they asked was ’ _I thought I was so fucking tough_ ’ or ’ _You guys know where I grew up_ ’ or ’ _I had to handle myself_ ’.

 

Sure, it wasn’t a mystery, exactly.

 

Over the seventeen years she had been alive, Briana had figured out quite a lot, but Mickey had never been one of those parents who sat them down and talked for three hours about ’ _When I was your age…_ ’ and honestly, she was thankful.

 

She knew that something bad had happened when he was younger that had resulted in Yevgeny. Yev did know, but Mickey had flat out told her and Brian that they didn’t want to know the whole story. They had agreed to accept that.

 

”I think this is it” She said, and they went into the science lab.

 

 

”Ask you a question…” Brian said to his aunt when they were walking away from the stadium. They had decided to check out the dorms next.

 

”Yeah?” Mandy hummed, crossing her arms to try to keep herself warm. Miami had spoiled her.

 

”You think dad’s gonna get back together with that guy Ian guy?”

 

Brian had never really been one to care about his father’s personal life like that. He had always figured that if there was somebody that he thought they should meet, then they would. But this was different. Mickey had never really brought Ian home and said ’ _This is Ian, I think it’s time you all should meet_ ’.

 

It hadn’t been like that at all, which was one of the reasons that Brian was doubting him when he said that there was nothing going on. Instead it was as if his dad didn’t know up and down himself, and it confused the fuck out of both Brian and Briana because Mickey had always been their rock. And somebody who had always been honest with them no matter what.

 

”I don’t think he’d want me to talk to you about this” Mandy answered honestly.

 

If she were Mickey and Mickey were her - which was incredibly weird to think about - she wouldn’t want her brother to go running his mouth to her kids either.

 

”That a yes?” There was almost five minutes of silence before the question dropped from Brian’s lips, and Mandy sighed.

 

”Give him some time, alright? I’m not sure he even has a clue himself. Those two have always been a complete mess”

 

”They were happy though, right? When they were younger?” Mandy nodded, a smile growing on her lips.

 

”Yeah” It was something between a sigh and a chuckle. ”There was a lot of shit that went down back then, but whenever they were together, it was like their own little bubble. Like nothing could ever hurt them”

 

”So what did?” Mandy took a deep breath, tearing herself away from memory lane.

 

”Kiddo, I said too much already. You wanna know any more, ask your dad” Brian sighed, but nodded.

 

 

A couple of hours later, Mickey and Briana were on their way towards the gym after having looked at most of the classrooms. Briana was gnawing on her bottom lip, wondering if she felt like asking or not. If she didn’t say anything, she would go on wondering and feel as if her father may be hiding something. But if she did, her entire world may change, and it scared her to death.

 

”Dad?” _Oh. No turning back now._

 

”Yeah, bud?” Mickey asked, eyes ahead of them as they kept walking.

 

Briana stopped soon, though, causing Mickey to do so as well, and they turned towards each other.

 

”There’s something going on between you and Ian, isn’t there?” Briana knew that it wasn’t really any of her business, just like it wasn’t really any of her father’s business what - or who - she did.

 

It was just that for as long as she could remember, it had been her dad and her brothers with Mandy and Lana dropping in and out. That had been her family, her life. And they all knew that she had a really hard time with changes, so she didn’t like feeling as if Mickey was hiding something from her.

 

She was sure that he didn’t mean it that way, but that’s how it felt and she fucking hated it. Mickey took a deep breath, eyes on hers.

 

”Bri, I love you, but this really isn’t something that I wanna talk to you about right now” He sighed, and Briana frowned.

 

That had not been the response she had been expecting, Mickey always talked to her and Brian - and Yev - about shit whenever they asked. She wasn’t offended, though. It just made her all the more certain that there was, in fact, something going on.

 

She shrugged, snorting.

 

”Look, I’m not asking who takes it, I just wanna know if you’re together or not” Briana all but whined.

 

Mickey sighed. In his daughters defense, he knew that she wasn’t just curious. These were things that she needed to know because of said problems with change.It made her nervous to not know what was going on in her life. 

 

There was just one issue. Mickey didn’t even fucking know. Not really. So what was he supposed to say exactly? ’ _We’re fucking, and it may be going somewhere_ ’?

 

Fuck no.

 

This was his seventeen year old daughter, he wouldn’t say that. But he also didn’t want to lie. So the only other option he could think of right here and now was not answering. But it didn’t seem as if Briana would give up any time soon.

 

”Dad” She said when he didn’t say anything. Finally, he cracked.

 

”No” He said, trying to keep from cringing as he spoke. ”We are not together, Bri. Alright? He’s a fucking friend”

 

”Could he end up being more?”

 

”Jesus fucking christ” Mickey sighed, running his hands over his face. ”I don’t know, alright?”

 

He didn’t like lying to his kids, but this was the only thing he could think of to do right now. He really didn’t want Briana to assume that she had a new step dad or some shit.

 

”Let it go, Bri. You’re my daughter, I don’t want to talk to you about this” Briana sighed, but put her hands up in surrender.

 

”Fine”

 

 

A little while later, they all met up by the car, coming from opposite directions.

 

”You guys feel done or is there something else you want to look at?” Mandy asked, unlocking the car to grab her bottle of water and take a sip.

 

Briana shrugged, and Brian did too, sighing, turning his head to look around the parking lot.

 

”I kind of want to look at the stadium again” Brian admitted, and Briana nodded.

 

”I do, too” ”And I never got to check out the science lab” Mandy nodded.

 

”How about you guys go and we wait for you here?” Mickey asked, and Mandy threw him a grateful look.

 

She loved the kids, but hours of running around, freezing her ass off was really getting on her nerves by now.

 

”Alright” Briana agreed, walking over to her brother. ”One hour?” Mandy gave her a couple of more nods.

 

”We’ll be here” Mickey heaved himself up onto the hood of the car as he watched the twins walk away. It didn’t take many seconds before Mandy joined him, a sweater tightly wrapped around her upper body.

 

”Are you ever going to tell them?” Mandy asked, and Mickey frowned, turning towards her.

 

Her eyes were still on Briana’s back, disappearing into the distance.

 

”Tell them what?” Mandy chuckled sourly.

 

”I’m not an idiot, bro. I’ve known you for the past thirty eight years. I know when you’re hiding something” Mickey sighed deeply, hanging his head. He should have fucking known it wouldn’t be easy hiding this from his sister. ”Look, you obviously don’t wanna tell me, but… it’s not fair to them” She stated. ”To leave them confused because you can’t figure shit out for yourself”

 

Another deep sigh escaped Mickey’s lips and he nodded. He knew. He knew that it wasn’t fair to keep his kids out of this like this, but what else was he supposed to do? He couldn’t tell them exactly as it was, because they would undoubtedly get their hopes up - they liked Ian. As much as they could like somebody they had only met a couple of times, at least. 

 

But by keeping them out of it, he was also lying to them, and he understood that it was crappy. But Mickey had no fucking idea how to handle this, he hadn’t dated in years - hell, he hadn’t dated since Ian.

 

Not because he was some fucking teenager who thought he was above it, but between sippy cups and screaming babies and getting his college degree, he just hadn’t had any time for it. He hadn’t felt the need to date, either.

 

Mickey was just starting to ever so slowly figure this out for himself. He didn’t want to bring the twins into it. Hell, hadn’t Mandy invited Ian over that night for the dinner, they probably wouldn’t know he was back in his life, as crappy as it may sound.

 

So, yeah. Mickey knew that what he did to his kids was kind of crappy, but he only did it because it was for the best.

 

”I know” Mickey finally admitted out loud. ”But I don’t know what else to do, Mands” Mandy sighed, turning towards him and folding one of her legs under her body, the other one hanging off of the hood.

 

”You guys back together?” She asked. He shook his head, not looking at her. ”On your way?” Mickey sighed, nodding. There was no denying that anymore. ”So be honest with them, Mick. They’re adults, they’re not fucking eight yearolds, bro” Mickey knew that.

 

But just because the years ticked by, that didn’t mean that the urge to protect them just vanished. Fuck, Yevgeny was in his twenties, and Mickey still worried about him every single day. Mickey’s tongue swirled over his cheek as her words made their way into his mind.

 

Finally, he turned towards his sister, mimicking her position on the vehicle.

 

”I’m fucking scared, alright?” Mandy raised her eyebrows, clearly not expecting that kind of honestly to fall out of her brothers mouth.

 

”To get hurt again?” She asked, and he just shrugged, letting out something in between a sigh and a chuckle.

 

His eyebrows were arched as his eyes traveled over their surroundings, trying to figure out how to best express his feelings. Words had never really been his thing.

 

”I guess?” He finally settled on. ”Terrified for him to get sick again, for me to…” He trailed off, running a hand over his face. ”I just don’t fucking know what I would do if…” Mickey closed his eyes.

 

”If?” Mandy asked, urging him to continue.

 

”Getting back together with an ex never works out” Mickey stated, lighting a cigarette instead of finishing his previous thought. The second Mickey refereed to Ian as his boyfriend, or - or kissed him, they were officially back together, and somehow, this just barely in between stage felt much safer."You fucking said so yourself"

 

Mandy frowned, watching her brother fill up his lunges with poison. She remembered saying that multiple times when they were younger. Back when she had tried and tried with a guy or two, and it always ended badly.

 

”I’m not you, Mickey” She sighed. ”And those douche bags certainly weren’t Ian”

 

Mickey’s brows knitted together as he turned his head to look at her.

 

”You mean you think we’d work?” Mandy shrugged.

 

”The only people that can really know a relationship are the people in it. I can’t tell you. But I can tell you that you’re wasting your time doing whatever the fuck you’re doing. You love him” Mickey nodded, the white smoke traveling out through his nose.

 

”I’m just… I don’t feel ready yet” He spoke truthfully, and even though his eyes weren’t on Mandy’s, he just knew she was rolling them.

 

”When the fuck do you expect to be ready, Mick? Huh? Were you ready to have Yevgeny? Were you ready to move to Miami? Were you ready to have the twins? You don’t have to be ready for something to turn out amazing”

 

Mickey’s eyes connected with hers. He couldn’t help but think that she was right. In fact, he couldn’t remember a single time in his life where he had been ready for something big. But this was different.

 

This wasn’t a move or something where he didn’t have a choice but to just be ready like with having the kids.

 

This was a relationship. Feelings and shit, and nobody but him could really, really know how badly it had hurt when Ian had broken up with him. If he was honest, he wasn’t that worried about that exact thing happening again. He was more worried about Ian’s mental state.

 

Just because he was good now, that did now mean that he always would be. And just because Mickey would be able to handle it in the beginning, that didn’t mean that he always would be. He knew that was selfish. Very selfish. He also knew that Ian had learned to handle and accept it now, but of course Mickey was scared.

 

After all the shit they had both gone through way back when, that was only to be expected.

 

”I love him” Mickey stated, and Mandy stayed quiet, because she felt a strong ’ _but_ ’ coming on. ”But I just…” He trailed off, shaking his head.

 

How the fuck was he supposed to explain this to his sister when his own head was all over the place? One minute he decided he was going to come home to Miami and go over to Ian’s place and kiss the fuck out of him.

 

The next minute, he had it in his head to just break it off, spare them both more pain. So how the fuck was he supposed to express this? How was he supposed to make the right words travel out of his mouth to make Mandy understand?

 

It was a completely, straight up impossible task as far as he saw it.

 

”I fucking wish I had a way to explain it, Mands, but I can’t” He finally settled on, and she frowned, but nodded.

 

”Alright” Mandy finally gave up, realizing that she was being a little bit too hard on him. 

 

They shared a small smile and Mickey jumped off of the hood, stubbing out his cigarette.

 

”I’m gonna go find the kids” Mandy nodded, watching him disappear into the distance.

 

She sighed, jumping down as well and getting into the drivers seat of the car, grabbing her phone and dialing the number she knew so well, putting the phone up to her ear.

 

_”Hello?”_ Lana’s voice rang into her ear, and she closed her eyes, enjoying she sound.

 

”Hey, babe”

 

If you had told Mandy twenty years ago that her brother’s hooker of a baby mama would end up being the love of her life, she would most likely have punched you in the face. Maybe taken a swing at your stomach, too.

 

But somewhere among all the chaos and the baby screams, Lana had been a rock. Somebody that Mandy had started to lean on more and more. Now, she couldn’t imagine ever having somebody else for a wife. Lana was the one, she didn’t know how the fuck else to say it.

 

_”Hey, are you on your way home yet?”_ Lana asked.

 

”Soon, probably. Mickey’s tracking down the twins, they’re around here somewhere” Mandy explained. ”I miss you”

 

Maybe it was pathetic to miss your spouse after only a little over a day, but they were rarely apart, so she figured she was allowed.

 

_”I miss you too, baby”_ Svetlana’s soft voice soothed Mandy. _”Everything going alright?”_

 

Mandy nodded for a few seconds before remembering that they were on the phone and her wife couldn't see her.

 

”Yeah. I think they really like it. We’ll see if they’ll get in, though, there’s still a while to think about it” Lana hummed, and they were quiet for a while.

 

For the longest time, Mandy had sort of envied Mickey for having that kind of bond with Ian. The kind that couldn’t possibly be broken by anything. The kind of love that stayed with you, no matter what you went through.

 

In a way, maybe that was what Mandy and Lana had, but they hadn’t gone through much shit to test it. She was glad. Mandy had certainly had her share of douche bags running in and out of her life. Beating her, cheating on her, breaking up, making up, hooking up.

 

That, on the other hand, wasn’t the kind of relationship she had with Svetlana. Neither of them would ever cheat or do anything to deliberately hurt the other one. It was calm. The kind of relationship that younger Mandy would probably have rather killed herself than end up in.

 

But younger Mandy wouldn’t have understood that a couple like that could truly be happy, be in love, and have passionate sex without fighting before.

 

No, Mandy would never ever give Lana up.

 

She wasn’t kidding when she said that there was truly only one person out there for her, and she had found her.

 

”I was talking to Mick” Mandy cut the silence short. ”About Ian” Lana hummed, urging her to continue. ”It’s all such a fucking mess. It just… makes me appreciate you so fucking much. Us”

 

She could imagine her wife's smile, and it made her stomach all warm.

 

_”Yeah”_ She sighed. _”We are good”_

 

Mandy grinned as her stomach continued to stir.

 

”I love you, you know that?” Mandy said then. ”I would never give you up for anything”

 

_”I love you too, baby. So much”_ Lana’s warm voice poured through the receiver. _”I always will”_

 

”I always will too” Mandy said, far beyond giving a shit whether she sounded cheesy or not. ”Oh, they’re back” She said then, spotting Mickey walking towards the car along with the twins.

 

_”Alright. See you when you get back”_

 

”Yeah, yeah. Bye” Mandy hung up the phone as Briana got into the passenger seat, Mickey and Brian occupying the backseat. ”Everything go well?” She asked, and they all nodded.

 

”Yeah” Brian confirmed. ”Can we get some food? I’m fucking starving”

 

”Of course” Mickey answered as Mandy started up the car, pulling out of the parking lot.

 

It wasn’t very late at all, but the lack of sleep was slowly starting to catch up to them once again, making them decide to get coffee as well. Mickey sighed, eyes out the window as the car moved further and further away from the Duke campus.

 

The conversation with Mandy had kind of opened up his eyes and made everything more hazey at the same time. Which, frankly, drove him even more insane. When they had left Miami, he had been pretty certain about what he wanted to do, what he was ready for with Ian and what he wasn’t.

 

But now, what with the conversation with Mandy, on tip of the conversation with Briana, and all of the hours in the car with all of that time to think… maybe it shouldn’t have made everything easier, but it didn’t.

 

Now, he was back to not knowing up or down. Did he want to kiss Ian? Get back together? Or did he want to break it all off and do his best to get over all of this shit?

 

Mickey’s mind traveled to Ian’s sweet words and the way that one piece of hair always seemed to fall down onto his forehead.

 

He thought about Ian’s smile, and the scruff on his chin that Mickey had immediately fallen in love with. It was so fucking hot, and it felt amazing on his lips when he kissed his jawline, a part of him craved to have his lips on Ian’s, to feel that feeling along with an actual kiss.

 

Not just the feeling of the beard, but the other burning feeling. The burning that went way past his skin, vibrating deep down into his body into his gut. His heart. Mickey closed his eyes, letting out a deep sigh. His sister’s words echoed through his head.

 

_”When the fuck do you expect to be ready, Mick? Huh?”_

 

She was right. So fucking right, but despite all of the shit she had gone through in her life, she couldn’t possibly understand the kind of pain that Mickey suffered through after that break up.

 

How he had compared every single guys dick to Ian’s, even ten - hell, fifteen - years later. Mickey had told himself that he had been over Ian. But the truth was, that when you love somebody that hard, you never are.

 

You learn to live without them, sure, but you don’t get over them. If Ian and Mickey got back together now, and it didn’t work out, Mickey didn’t even know if he would be able to learn to live without Ian this time around.

 

He had a feeling one horrifically big break up had taken everything out of him.

 

But on the other hand, there was a slight possibility that he wouldn’t have to. That it would be forever this time, and deep down, Mickey just knew that it was worth taking the risk.

 

So maybe he would. Maybe he would bite the bullet and just go for it. Albeit, there was a twelve hour drive between them. He still had some time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everybody who's sticking with this story, even though it's going kind of slow for now. Hope you all have an amazing day, and comments and kudos are always very appreciated! <3


	11. Almost-Boyfriend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”You’re mine” Ian groaned at the possessive words leaving Mickey’s mouth, feeling his stomach become all warm and fluttery.
> 
> ”Yes, baby, I am”

As soon as Mandy entered the house, she was greeted by the smell of food and wine as well as the dim, cozy light of the lit candles mixed with the dark night outside of the windows.

 

”I’m back” She called, toeing her boots off and hanging her thick sweater up on one of the hooks by the door.

 

”Kitchen” Her wife called back, and Mandy walked through the living room to get there.

 

”What’s this?” She asked with a smile.

 

The table was set, and the oven was cooking what smelt like it might be lasagna. Lana shrugged a little bit, walking over to her.

 

”I know how much you hate these road trips. Thought I would do something nice, yes?” Mandy sighed contentedly, eyes traveling over the kitchen and back to her wife as he locked her own hands behind Lana’s back to pull them closer together.

 

”It’s perfect, baby” She said. ”I love it” They smiled at each other as they leaned in for a deep kiss that had them wondering how the fuck they had survived two whole days without each other.

 

Mandy licked her way into Lana’s mouth, deepening the kiss a little bit as a hand traveled down to her jean covered ass, squeezing teasingly. Lana made a small noise that Mandy swallowed, head spinning at how fucking perfect one single person could be for you.

 

It was incredibly strange, really. How the hooker who was forced into raping her brother and got pregnant from it ended up being the love of Mandy’s life. It was all but a telenovela waiting to happen. Yet, it didn’t feel strange. For years, Mandy, Lana, Mickey and the kids had all kind of been one huge family, and yeah, it should be all types of awkward, but for some reason, it wasn’t.

 

It just felt right.

 

Svetlana pulled away, dragging a whine out of Mandy.

 

”You should go take a shower. Dinner won’t be done for a while” Mandy sighed, nodding.

 

As much as she wanted to stay here and eat her wife out with all she had, she hadn’t had anything but half of a sink shower in two days, and now that it had been brought up, she did feel disgusting.

 

”Alright” She agreed, pressing another kiss to Lana’s lips. ”I won’t be too long”

 

On her way out of the kitchen, she got a slap to her ass, and it took all of her strength not to turn around and fuck her wife right there on the table.

 

 

Mickey entered his house together with the twins, and they were all completely exhausted from a long trip like that. Neither of them really talked, they had had enough of each other by now.

 

Brian yawned and flicked on the lights downstairs before taking the stairs two at a time to get to his room. Mickey understood him. They all loved each other, but close to thirty hours trapped in a car together - it didn’t matter how fun they always imagined it to be in the beginning, or how sort of cozy it actually was in the first few hours, they all but temporarily hated each other when they got back home.

 

Even Brian, who actually liked these trips more than anybody else.

 

”You’re not more hungry tonight, right?” Mickey asked Briana who was on her way up the stairs. It was a good few hours since they had eaten, but Mickey was too exhausted to cook by now.

 

”No, I think we’re fine. I’m gonna head to bed” Briana answered, and Mickey nodded.

 

”Alright, goodnight, bud”

 

”Night” She nodded, finishing the stairs and going to her room, closing the door behind her. Mickey hesitated for a couple of seconds before he went up the stairs as well, knocking on Brian’s door.

 

”Yeah?” Came the muffled answer, and he cracked the door open, poking his head in.

 

”I was just gonna say night. You alright?” Brian nodded where he was laying under the covers, scrolling through his phone.

 

”Yeah, dad. Just fucking tired, it’s a lot” Mickey snorted, nodding.

 

”Yeah, I know” He agreed. ”Hey, bud…?” Brian put his phone down and supported himself on his elbows to look at Mickey. ”I might go out later, that okay with you?” Brian nodded.

 

”Yeah, yeah. We’re fine” He didn’t ask where Mickey was going, and he wasn’t sure that he wanted to know. He could guess, though, and a part of him felt happy that his father may have found somebody.

 

”Alright. Night, bud”

 

”Night”

 

 

Mandy sighed, peeling her shirt off on the way to the bathroom, throwing it somewhere in their bedroom. She ran a hand through her long hair, feeling that it was a little bit tangly after all of those hours trapped in a car.

 

She was too lazy to do anything about it at the moment, though. Mandy just wanted to hop in the shower and then go downstairs and eat with her wife. She fucking loved her brother - even more now than she did when they were kids - she loved the twins, too.

 

But - and she suspected that she was in fact, not alone in feeling this - nearly thirty hours so close to them with nowhere to escape, it fucking sucked, and she would try to make sure she didn’t have to do it again any time soon. Sure, it sounded good.

 

A road trip with the family. But fuck, no. It wasn’t. It was hell.

 

When she was naked, Mandy stepped into the shower and turned the knob to make the water almost as hot as it could be. It burned her skin slightly, and she felt all of the tension rinse off of her body along with the dirt that had gathered on her skin during the past couple of days.

 

She closed her eyes, sighing and tilting her head upwards, enjoying the feeling of finally being home again. While growing up, she had never really had a home. Sure, a house, a room. But nowhere where she could really go and feel safe.

 

Warm, happy. She had that now, and Mickey did, too.

 

Thanksgiving wasn’t for another month and a half, but that was what she was thankful for every single year, and she always would be. Mandy heard the glass door open, and she her eyes stayed closed, lips forming a smile as she felt the presence in the shower.

 

”Welcome home, baby” Lana whispered in her ear, a hand sliding around her waist, tugging her backwards a little bit to press her back against Lana’s front. Mandy hummed, leaning her head onto her wife’s shoulder, eyes still closed.

 

”Missed you” Mandy said breathily as Lana wrapped the other arm around her waist as well, steadying her as she started moving a hand up towards her tits.

 

Mandy let out a small moan, her hand going up to the back of Lana’s neck, turning her head, begging for a kiss. Lana hummed, going in for it just as she moved a hand down, starting to massage Mandy’s clit.

 

”Oh, fuck” Mandy cursed into her mouth, always amazed at how fucking good her wife was at this. Then again, she did have experience, even if they never liked to talk about that time in Lana’s life. Mandy slipped her tongue into Lana’s mouth, enjoying the taste after going so long without it.

 

”Feel good?” Lana asked, moving her mouth to Mandy’s neck as she added a little bit more pressure. Mandy couldn’t do anything but moan in response, the pleasure taking over her body. Her head was on Lana’s shoulder, eyes clenched shut, her hand tugging on her wife’s hair. ”You’re beautiful, baby” Lana whispered against Mandy’s skin as she eased a finger into her, knowing she was already close. 

 

"Oh, fuck” Mandy cursed once again, and Lana added another one, starting to fuck her with them at a pretty fast pace, driving her wife even more crazy. ”That feels so fucking…” She trailed off, digging her teeth into her bottom lip as she got closer to the edge.

 

Lana added a third finger, crooking them a little bit, dragging a string of curses thrown together with different versions of her name out of Mandy’s mouth.

 

”It’s okay. Come, baby. Come” Lana held onto Mandy tightly as she shook through her orgasm.

 

 

Mickey felt a little bit guilty just turning right around and going to Ian’s, but he didn’t have a choice. Honestly? He fucking missed him. He missed Ian so fucking much, and they hadn’t even been apart for a week. How fucking messed up was that?

 

Because they had been apart for twenty years, and yet, here Mickey was, more in love with the guy than he ever had been. Just like that. It had taken him a long fucking time to even get here - to get to the point where he could admit to himself that he did still love Ian, but he did.

 

He loved Ian so much, and for the first time, those words didn’t scare him at all. Not even the thought of being back in a relationship with him scared Mickey anymore. He may not be ready to say the words out loud, and he may not be ready to call Ian his boyfriend just quite yet, but the fact that it didn’t really scare him in the way that it had in the past, that was a huge thing for him.

 

So yeah, he missed Ian. A fucking lot.

 

It was late as fuck, but Mickey had slept for a few hours in the car on the way home, knowing that he would most likely want to go over to Ian’s almost as soon as he got home. It wasn’t that long of a drive over to Ian’s place, and Mickey was there within ten, fifteen minutes because he stepped it.

 

No cops were out this late around where he lived, anyway. He walked up to the building, ringing the bell to Ian’s place, hoping that he wouldn’t be annoyed with him for showing up so late.

 

_”Who is it?”_

 

”It’s me, man. Let me in” Mickey spoke.

 

As soon as Ian heard Mickey’s voice, he buzzed him in, and Mickey made his way up to the apartment door as fast as he could.

 

”Hey, thought I wouldn’t see you tonight” Ian said, waiting in the doorway. He looked tired, like he had already been asleep when Mickey had gotten there. He was dressed in nothing but a pair of black boxers, and Mickey couldn’t help but admire his abs, and the way the color seemed to make his skin look even more white, like porcelain.

 

Mickey shrugged, walking up to him.

 

”Fucking missed you, alright?” He said lowly, making Ian’s face light up in a face splitting grin that Mickey fought his hardest not to mirror.

 

”Yeah?” Mickey just rolled his eyes. ”Fucking get in here” Ian reached out to grab a hold of Mickey’s t shirt, tugging him inside of the apartment.

 

Mickey immediately wrapped his arms around Ian’s naked waist, pressing his lips to his jawline, licking and nipping slightly. Not anything too deep, really, he just craved having his lips on his skin again.

 

Ian hummed, and wrapped his arms around Mickey’s body as well, drinking in the fact that he had him again after so fucking long. It still hadn’t quite registered with him. Having the love of your life back in it after twenty fucking years was just one of those things that were too good to be true.

 

Ian closed his eyes as Mickey ran his tongue over the piece of skin he had worked, dragging a moan out of his mouth.

 

”You want a beer?” Ian asked, nudging Mickey away from him a little bit. Mickey frowned, thinking it over. He had had the intention to just get straight to the fucking, but a beer actually didn’t sound so bad.

 

”Yeah, man. Alright”

 

”So how was the trip?” Ian asked, handing Mickey a bottle when they made it to the kitchen. Mickey sighed, popping the top open and leaning back against the kitchen island to take a sip, watching Ian do the same.

 

”A mess”

 

”Really?” Ian frowned, and Mickey nodded.

 

”Four people trapped in a metal box, man. It always is” The redhead let out a deep chuckle, and Mickey couldn’t help but realize how deep his voice had really gotten over the years. He couldn’t describe it as anything but incredibly hot.

 

”What about the school?”

 

”Good” Mickey answered. ”I think. There’s still a few more they want to look at. Brian seems to have a hard time deciding if he still wants to apply to Pepperdine or not” Ian nodded, and Mickey knew that he was listening. _Actually listening._

 

And that he cared about what Mickey had to say about this shit. If anything, the fact that Ian seemed to care about Mickey’s family just made his stomach even more warm at the thought of this man.

 

”Did Yevgeny have a hard time deciding?” Ian asked then, and Mickey shook his head.

 

”No, not really. He applied to Brown, too, but I think he always wanted to go to Pepperdine”

 

Mickey realized that if this had been anybody else, by now he would be itching to get his hands on him, to get to the good part. But he wasn’t. And that wasn’t because Ian wasn’t the hottest man on earth, or because Mickey didn’t want to fuck, he did, and Ian was.

 

But Ian was so much more.

 

Ian was a person that Mickey could actually have a conversation with. He was kindhearted, and sweet, and - though Mickey hadn’t allowed him to show that side of himself in a long time - he was romantic.

 

There were an infinite amount of reasons as to why Mickey was in love with this man, and his dick was only one of them.

 

Ian took another sip of his beer and then put it down on the counter next to him, taking a couple of steps closer to Mickey.

 

”I missed you” Mickey couldn’t help but smile up at him, taking another sip of his own beer and putting it down as well.

 

”You too, man. You know that” Ian shook his head.

 

”No, I don’t… I mean not just now, but… for a long time. I never stopped”

 

Their eyes connected, and Mickey’s softened. He already knew that Ian had missed him during these years, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t warm him to hear it. Because he had missed Ian just as much.

 

Not just the fucking, but doing what they had done just a minute ago. He had missed just being in Ian’s presence, talking about his day, neither of them being bored with it because they were with each other.

 

If that wasn’t love, Mickey didn’t know what the fuck was.

 

Ian took another step closer to Mickey, and Mickey gasped when their chest touched - it was barely audible, but it was there. Ian placed his hands on Mickey’s waist, slipping them under his shirt to feel his skin.

 

Mickey leaned his head a little bit to the side, reaching up to place a hand against the side of Ian’s neck, his thumb caressing his jawline.

 

”I missed you, too. Thought I was over it, but um…” Mickey sighed. ”I don’t think I ever really stopped either” Ian smiled down at him shyly.

 

On the way home, Mickey had contemplated the pros and cons - and yes, apparently he was one of those people now - of kissing Ian. Of getting back together with him, officially. And the truth was that he had more or less decided that he was ready.

 

And then he had decided he wasn’t. And then he had told himself that he was again. It had basically been the past few weeks all over again, but sped up. However, when they were standing there in Ian’s kitchen, Ian hovering over Mickey, slowly lowering his face, Mickey shook his head slightly.

 

No.

 

As fucking tempting as it was, there was still that small part of Mickey, yelling at him, telling him to wait, that he wasn’t ready. And for some reason, he just had to listen to it. Ian’s thumbs were drawing small circles on Mickey’s skin, sending soft chills down his spine. Ian just nodded, the soft smile still on his face.

 

”It’s okay, baby” Ian said, and Mickey’s entire body relaxed at hearing the nickname. ”Am I allowed to say that?” Mickey chuckled, nodding.

 

”Yes, baby, you are” Ian’s body stiffened at the familiar sound. The chuckle, mixed with the affection, and the use of the pet name. It was so fucking familiar. Mickey felt it, too.

 

Their eyes connected for another second before Ian tightened his grip on Mickey’s waist, heaving him up onto the counter. Mickey wrapped his legs around Ian’s body out of habit, pulling him closer and pressing his lips to his jawline, feeling the scruff scratch against his lips.

 

If it was anybody else, it would have just annoyed Mickey, but he loved the look of beard on Ian. And he loved feeling it against his skin. Ian hummed at the feeling of having Mickey’s lips against his skin, and he immediately pulled him even closer to him.

 

Mickey’s hands wandered over his back and up to his neck, to his front and over his abs, as if he were determined to drink every single inch of Ian’s skin in. His lips kept working against his jawline and neck, making a series of small hickey’s, because even though he wasn’t ready to say it out loud quite yet, Ian was fucking his, and nobody else’s.

 

”You’re mine” Ian groaned at the possessive words leaving Mickey’s mouth, feeling his stomach become all warm and fluttery.

 

”Yes, baby, I am”

 

He didn’t give a fuck if he was over using the petname. He had waited over twenty fucking years to get to the point where he could say it again, so he did, because it felt so fucking good to be able to.

 

”Fuck, get this off” He mumbled, prying Mickey’s head out of his neck, tugging on his shirt.

 

Mickey peeled it off, throwing it to the side before placing his lips back into Ian’s neck, teasingly running his tongue over one of the four hickeys he had already created. Ian sighed at the feeling, tugging Mickey even closer - even though it wasn’t really possible - to rub his cotton covered erection against Mickey’s jean clad one as good as they could in this position.

 

Mickey attached his lips to the smaller bruise on Ian’s jawline, sucking at it while his tongue drew circles, making the lovebite all the more prominent against the pale skin. Ian moaned almost uncontrollably and ran his hands over Mickey’s back, kneading the pale, perfect flesh.

 

He had always loved how Mickey had never been fit, but not over weight either. Not that he would have had a problem with it, had he been either of those things, but ever since they had been seventeen year old idiots, Mickey had always had that perfect body that Ian could only describe as, well… just Mickey.

 

Pure, intoxicating Mickey.

 

Mickey kept working his neck, tugging at his hair slightly as Ian slid his hands down towards his crotch, quickly undoing the jeans before slipping a hand in, palming his crotch through the thin fabric of his boxers.

 

”Fuck” Mickey mumbled against Ian’s skin, his entire body buzzing with need already. It had only been a few days since the last time they had hooked up, but it felt as if he’d been craving this for years, which, actually, he probably had.

 

Ian kept palming him, teasing him, his head falling forwards, resting his lips against Mickey’s shoulder. Mickey pulled his head out of Ian’s neck to change sides, starting to work a hickey into the skin right above his perfect collar bone.

 

”Fuck, please keep doing that” Ian sighed, and Mickey smirked a little bit against the skin. His hands had at some point stilled somewhere in the middle of Ian’s back, but now he moved them down towards his ass, slipping his fingers into the waistband of his boxers.

 

Mickey slipped his hands completely inside of the fabric, giving Ian’s ass a teasing squeeze, dragging a ragged groan out of the taller man. Although Ian much preferred topping, he had never had a problem with Mickey grabbing or kneading his ass, in fact, he loved those things almost as much as Mickey did.

 

”You gotta get these off” Ian mumbled, pulling away from Mickey so that he could tug his jeans down his legs, along with his boxers.

 

Mickey lifted himself up as good as he could to help a little bit, and the clothes were thrown to the side. Ian went right back in for Mickey’s neck, attaching his lips to the skin right below his jawline, sucking gently, dragging a ragged moan out of Mickey.

 

”Fuck, man” He sighed, wrapping his legs around his body once again, tugging them closer together and tilting his head to the side, giving his almost-boyfriend better access to mark him up.

 

Mickey’s eyes fell closed in pleasure when Ian wrapped a strong hand around his hard cock, starting to stroke it slowly but surely. Ian swipes his thumb over the tip, and Mickey lets out a sigh that’s really more of a hiccup.

 

”Fuck” Mickey groans, and Ian pulls his head out of his neck, making his eyes flutter open.

 

”Baby, lay down” He says, voice rough as he places a flat palm against Mickey’s chest, coaxing him to do just that.

 

As soon as Mickey’s laying down, back flat against the cold marble counter top, his eyes fall closed again. Ian feels his own cock strain against his boxers as Mickey’s drips a little bit of precome onto his stomach, openly begging for attention.

 

”You’re so fucking beautiful” Ian muses while running his hands up Mickey’s thighs to his stomach, and then back down again. Mickey bucks into the touch, and groans both at the words and at the action.

 

Soon, he feels Ian press a deep kiss to his hip, and he can’t help but lean into that, too. It didn’t matter than they had already hooked up a few times since they had seen each other again, every single time was more amazing than the last, and it made him remember every single mindblowing thing he had felt within being with Ian. Both sexual and otherwise.

 

Ian keeps pressing kisses to Mickey’s skin, moving further and further down until he gets to his balls.

 

”Yes” Mickey can’t help but hiccup when he licks a stripe over them, and then continues along the base of his cock until he gets to the tip. Mickey’s eyes remains closed, teeth digging into his bottom lip as he bucks into every single touch of Ian’s, drinking everything in.

 

Ian’s hands stay on Mickey’s hips as he keeps licking at his cock, running the tip of his tongue around the base, teasing him.

 

”Please” The word is out of Mickey’s mouth before it passes through his brain, but he’s too far gone to give a shit. ”Fucking please”

 

He can just imagine Ian looking up at him, pupils blown, a smirk taking over his perfectly pink lips. But he can’t gather up enough strength to look, right now, he just fucking needs Ian to swallow him down. And that's exactly what he gets. Ian lets out a dark sounding hum right before he wraps his lips tightly around Mickey’s cock, immediately starting to bob his head at a medium pace, not giving himself anytime to adjust to it.

 

”Yes” Mickey sighs. ”Fucking yes”

 

Having Ian’s mouth wrapped around his cock after going this long without it feels like fucking heaven. He had almost forgotten how fucking good the man is with his mouth and his tongue. Ian swirls his tongue around the tip of Mickey’s dick whenever he gets the chance and he hollows his cheeks a little bit, driving Mickey even closer to insanity.

 

One of Mickey’s hands fly up to Ian’s hair, tugging at the long, red strands, urging him on. The other one clutches the side of the counter top, his knuckles whitening.

 

”So fucking good at that” Mickey manages, voice breathy and raw. Ian hums in response, sending the vibrations straight into Mickey’s cock, making him subconsciously buck up into his mouth.

 

Without warning, Ian pulls off of his cock, dragging a whine out of Mickey.

 

”Need you” Ian’s low voice comes, and he wraps his arms around Mickey’s waist, helping him up.

 

Mickey’s eyes flutter open, and for a second, he thinks about just crashing his lips to Ian’s, not giving a shit. He doesn’t though. Instead he hums, attaching his lips to one of the hickeys that he already made, and Ian moans.

 

”Fuck, come on. Stuff’s in my bedroom” Ian explains, and pulls Mickey off of the counter.

 

Mickey wraps his legs tightly around his upper body, lips still on his neck as Ian gets them to the bed, laying Mickey down as carefully as he can manage.

 

”Off” Mickey mumbles against Ian’s skin, blindly tugging at the boxers still covering his cock.

 

Ian sits up a little bit to push them down and throw them to the side before reaching over to the nightstand to grab the lube and a condom, throwing the rubber to the side.

 

Before he has the chance to even pop the top off of the lube, Mickey pulls him down to press another kiss to his neck.

 

It’s actually a pretty poor substitute for his lips, but Mickey also knows that if he kisses Ian now, just because he’s caught up in the moment, he’s gonna regret it as soon as he wakes up tomorrow, and he can’t do that to himself.

 

Ian groans at the feeling of Mickey’s teeth grazing over his skin, and he manages to prepare two of his fingers with the lube, and he reaches down in between Mickey’s legs to circle his rim with one of them.

 

Mickey swallows, his lips leaving Ian’s skin when his head leans back into the pillow, eyes falling closed, and legs spreading a little bit wider. Ian’s cock pulses with need from seeing Mickey spread out like this, completely trusting him.

 

Well, in the bedroom, anyway.  

 

The thought of what Ian once did to this beautiful man makes him still his fingers for a moment, but he quickly forces himself back on track, easing one of the fingers inside of his almost-boyfriend.

 

”Oh, fuck” Mickey curses at the feeling. Ian realizes that he’s never actually fingered Mickey since they… ’got back together’, and it makes him smirk. Because he fucking missed watching Mickey squirm like this, completely helpless with pleasure.

 

It’s another thing to Ian than when he’s actually fucking him, because he can’t quite focus on Mickey’s reaction as much.

 

Mickey’s hands move to the back of Ian’s neck, tugging at the long strands, urging him on. Ian leans his forehead against Mickey’s collarbone for a moment as he fucks him with that one finger.

 

But soon, he lifts his head again, if only to watch Mickey’s reaction as he adds another finger.

 

”Yes, fuck” Mickey chokes, eyes clenching even tighter, face screwed up in pleasure. If Ian had to guess, he’d say that Mickey had missed this part of fucking just as much as he had. ”I’m good, man” Mickey says, shaking his head right as Ian is about to add a third finger.

 

Ian stills his movements, and Mickey’s eyes flutter open.

 

”I’m good, just get in me”

 

Ian nods, dropping a kiss to his chest before easing his fingers out of him and wiping them on his covers, reaching for the condom and tearing it open with his teeth, rolling it onto himself. Mickey can’t help but look at him as he prepares himself.

 

They had both taken a lot of shit for granted, way back when, but now Mickey can see more clearly than ever. Ian’s skin is covered in a thin layer of sweat already, and that one piece of hair is dangling over his forehead like it always seems to nowadays.

 

Sure, Mickey could think of a lot of words to describe Ian, both his looks and personality. Hot, sexy, beautiful, smart, amazing, all that shit. But the one word that sticks out more than anything else is ’ _Mine’_.

 

Mickey didn’t realize that he had said the word out loud until Ian looks up, a smile painted across his face.

 

”Yes” He nods, and Mickey’s stomach starts to stir again as he lays down on top of him. Mickey immediately accepts his frame, wrapping his legs around his body. ”You good?”

 

Ian looks down at him, his cock teasing Mickey’s hole, and Mickey nods. Ian’s hands travel down to Mickey’s waist, getting a good grip before carefully easing himself in. Mickey’s eyes clench shut again, head dipping back into the pillow as he feels Ian fill him up, like only one person in the world can.

 

”Fuck” Ian curses when he bottoms out, head falling into Mickey’s neck as they both try to adjust. Ian has to dig his teeth into Mickey’s sweaty flesh to keep from coming right then and there as he feels his inner walls pulse around his cock fucking perfectly.

 

”Fill me up so fucking good” Mickey groans, and Ian hums, pulling out slowly, and then slamming back in. Much harder, because he knows that’s what Mickey needs right now. He can’t explain how he knows these things, he just does. ”Fuck”

 

Mickey wraps his arms around Ian’s body, holding onto him, his teeth digging into Ian’s skin, the action mirroring Ian’s as he keeps pounding Mickey relentlessly into the mattress. The bed starts banging against the wall, but they’re both too far gone to give a shit.

 

Ian starts snapping his hips even a little bit faster, making Mickey cry out in pleasure as he finds his prostate.

 

”Yes!” Mickey calls out, not giving a shit if it’s too loud. ”Right fucking there. Yes, fuck” Ian smiles against his skin, feeling his own orgasm start to build as he does his best to start fucking Mickey even a little bit harder.

 

”So fucking good, baby” Ian breathes against his skin. ”So fucking tight for me”

 

Mickey squeezes his legs even a little bit tighter around his back and moves his hands down to his ass, kneading his cheeks roughly, urging him on.

 

”So fucking close” Mickey groans soon, and Ian hums in response, starting to stab Mickey’s prostate a little bit more violently.

 

Within seconds, they’re both there, Mickey coming with a shout, covering both their chests with come as Ian empties himself into the condom, staying buried inside of Mickey as he does so. When they’re all fucked out, Ian collapses on top of Mickey, and Mickey’s legs fall off of him to the side, too tired to keep his ankles locked together.

 

”Fucking amazing” Ian’s the first one to speak, and Mickey hums in response as Ian forces himself up a little bit, easing his cock out of Mickey with a wince. Ian rolls the condom off and throws it to the side before laying down on his back beside Mickey.

 

Without thinking much of it, Mickey rolls closer to him, laying down onto his chest, clinging to him like a koala. Ian can’t do anything but smile at that.

 

”You’re not gonna leave?” Mickey shakes his head, taking Ian’s hand in his and lacing their fingers together. Ian’s stomach buzzes with the possibility of Mickey finally giving in.

 

”Too tired” Mickey mumbles, pressing a kiss to Ian’s neck. Ian closes his eyes, letting himself enjoy having Mickey like this again. Cuddled up against him. It feels warm. Safe. Like it's how things are supposed to be. 

 

Mickey sighs contentedly, feeling sleep quickly take over his body.

 

_Too tired to fight this anymore._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really didn't think I'd have this up today. Wow. Go me!
> 
> The next chapter will most likely take a little bit longer for me to get up, because it's a very important one and I really want to do it right.


	12. With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”They’re gonna come now” Briana spoke after a while, a tear trailing down her cheek. 
> 
> ”Who?” 
> 
> ”All of them” She stated. ”The reporters, and the psychologists, and the analysts… the so called experts” Briana’s voice was weak now, quiet enough that Ian could just barely make out the words. ”And they’re gonna try to make sense of all of this. But they’re not gonna be able to” A tear trailed down Ian’s cheek. ”I think that even if I… even if we make it out of this, it’s always gonna stick with us. It's never gonna be the same again”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate chapter title: Does This Darkness Have A Name?

It was supposed to be a beautiful day.

 

Brian and Briana woke up in the morning and got ready for school, noting that their father was still not at the house, but not really giving it much of a second thought. They knew where he was, or at least they had a pretty good guess, and they were happy for him, even if they chose not to think about it too much.

 

Briana’s heavy bookbag was slung over her shoulder as she made her way across the courtyard, walking next to next brother. Brian ran a hand through his curly brown hair, deciding that he really couldn’t put off that haircut for much longer.

 

”Where are you going?” Brian asked when they entered the building.

 

”English lit” Briana informed him. ”You?”

 

”Math. You gonna be home late?” His sister shook her head, and they stopped walking, turning towards each other to finish their conversation before they had to split up and go on with their day.

 

”No. Probably about six or seven. You think dad’s gonna make it home for dinner?” Brian nodded.

 

”Yeah, I don’t think he’d stay with… I don’t think he’d stay out for another night”

 

Briana nodded, grateful that he didn’t mention Ian’s name. She didn’t have a problem with Ian - in fact, he seemed like a completely okay guy - but it was still really fucking weird to think of her father in a relationship. Sure, Mickey hadn’t straight out told them anything, but they weren’t idiots. If anything, the fact that he had denied a relationship between him and Ian so firmly, only made her more sure that there was in fact something going on.

 

She knew how badly he felt like he needed to protect her and her brothers. Especially since her and Brian’s mother had passed away.

 

”Okay” She agreed. ”Catch up with you later?” Brian asked, and Briana nodded.

 

”Yeah, I - ” Suddenly, her body was frozen solid, staring over her brother’s shoulder. Her lips parted slightly in shock, and she could feel her eyes well up in fear. It was as if everything went in slow motion, so fucking slow.

 

Half a second felt like an hour, and the hair on the back of her neck stood up as she stared down the barrel of the gun. It was pretty far away from her, but it was all her eyes could focus on. The people on the side turned into a blurry haze, the circle of the weapon getting all the definition.

 

Time was all but frozen, and even though she wasn’t dying, Briana saw her life flash before her eyes. This was one of those horrible moments that you only read about in the newspaper. The kind of horrible moment that you never believe can happen to you or anybody that you love, it’s just not possible. Briana felt like she was floating, like she was dreaming.

 

She just barely had the time reach forwards and push Brian down to the floor, following with him, successfully dodging the bullet that shattered the glass door in between them and the shooter.

 

Or so she thought.

 

 

Mickey’s morning was amazing. He woke up on top of Ian’s naked chest, their arms tightly wound around each other’s bodies, his face smashed into Ian’s neck, breathing in his scent.

 

Why the fuck had he been so scared of this? Why had he been scared to spend the night? Why had he been so fucking scared to get attached? It felt fucking amazing, no matter how it were to end.

 

A small smile painted his lips as he woke up even a little bit more and squeezed Ian’s body tighter, getting a tired but content hum out of him as he squeezed back.

 

”This feels so fucking good” Ian’s low voice murmured into Mickey’s ear, and he couldn’t do anything but agree as he lifted his head, looking down into the green eyes he had loved for so many years.

 

”Yeah” He nodded, slowly lowering his head to lay their foreheads together.

 

All of this had happened so quickly, and yet it had gone so fucking slow. But either way, Mickey didn’t give a fuck what it had taken to get him to this point, he was here. With Ian. Nothing else mattered right now.

 

Ian’s soft eyes looked into Mickey’s before both pairs fell closed, Mickey lowering his lips closer to Ian’s, longing the feeling of a kiss. It would be so fucking easy to just give into it. To let himself have this, have Ian.

 

Mickey could feel Ian’s breath fan over his mouth, but right before they could touch, Mickey’s phone startled them. Ian groaned, and Mickey sighed, easing himself up a little bit, and looking towards where his phone was laying.

 

It crossed his mind to ignore it, of course it did. But for some reason, he couldn’t, because even before he pressed accept, he felt like a knife had sliced his gut.

 

Call it a fathers intuition, or whatever the fuck, but he just fucking knew today would be the worst day of his life.

 

 

The hallway - fuck, the entire school - was buzzing. Literally. People were shoving each other and screaming, and trying to get a hold of their friends, praying to god that they would make it out with their life.

 

Briana couldn’t hear any of it, she just felt the pushes and the shoves, watched the crowd move in slow motion, still looking like a haze. The pain still hadn’t registered in her brain, the shock was too big. Brian was gone, they had since long lost each other, and all she could do was hope that he made it out alright.

 

Somebody shoved her forwards, and she stumbled for a bit before finding her footing again. Finally, the danger she was in somewhat registered in her brain, and she made her way down the hallway, trying to find somewhere safe to hide away.

 

”Briana!” Brian yelled over the crowd pushing him further and further away from his sister. ”Bri!” His screams didn’t do any good, he couldn’t see her, and even if he could, she wouldn’t hear his cries.

 

Too many people were doing the exact same thing. Screaming and crying and yelling, in hope that they would be able to find the people they held dearest. The car ride over to the school was by far the worst few minutes of Mickey’s life.

 

He was completely frozen, unable to think past ’ _today is the day my kids will die. today is the day that I will lose them_ ’. If he could speak, he would tell Ian to step on the gas even more, but it wouldn’t do any good. The roads were already completely jammed, filled with panicked parents just like himself.

 

Ian held his hand, but he could barely feel it past the throbbing in his body, the pain of knowing that Brian and Briana weren’t safe.

 

”Baby, they’re gonna be okay” Ian whispered, keeping his eyes on the road as he brought their hands up to his mouth, pressing a warm kiss to the back of Mickey’s. ”They have to be okay” He knew that Mickey was completely incapable of listening right now, but he was talking to himself as well.

 

They were Mickey’s kids. Ian loved Mickey more than anything else in his life, and by extension, he loved Brian and Briana. They had to be okay, there was just simply no other option.

 

Mickey was too shocked to cry, too startled. This wasn’t the kind of thing that was supposed to happen. Not to him, not to anybody close to him. This was the kind of thing that you read about in the newspaper and you say ’ _Oh no, that’s horrible_ ’. It’s just not supposed to happen like this.

 

You’re not supposed to feel it, you’re not supposed to have to experience it on your own.

 

Mickey stared straight ahead, praying to god that his kids would be standing outside of the school waiting for him. If they weren’t, he wouldn’t know what the fuck to do. As soon as Ian parked the car, Mickey ripped his hand out of Ian’s and opened the door, elbowing his way through the cops and ambulances, hoping to get a glimpse of his kids. He didn’t.

 

”Sir, stay behind the line, please” A woman a couple of years older than him warned.

 

”Fuck you” He spat immediately. ”Where the fuck are my kids?”

 

”Sir, we are doing our best to map out who’s inside and who made it out, but for now, step behind the line until further notice, thank you”

 

”Are you fucking serious?” He growled, getting ready to tear her face off. His fucking kids may be laying dead inside of that building, and she has the nerve to give him a clearly memorized speech like that? Fucking joke. ”I need to know if my fucking kids are in there”

 

He spoke loudly, doing his best to scare the woman into giving him the information. His eyes flickered around the crowd, still hoping to see a lock of brown hair or a shoulder tattoo. Nothing.

 

”Sir, I just told you - ”

 

”Mickey” Ian interrupted them from behind Mickey, grabbing his hand. ”Come on, I found Lana and Mandy”

 

Mickey resisted the urge to spit in her face, and settled for a scowl before following Ian out of the hysteric crowd. Anger was all he had in that moment. If he stopped to think - really think - about what was happening, he would break, no doubt.

 

As soon as Mandy spotted her brother, she ran up to him, throwing her arms around his neck. Mickey couldn’t do anything but hug her back just as tightly, finally fighting back some tears as the reality of the situation seeped inside of his brain.

 

”Did you find them?” Svetlana asked, voice wavering.

 

Ian shook his head at her, wiping a tear off of his cheek. He didn’t want to say ’ _No_ ’ out loud, he couldn’t. For some reason, it felt so final.

 

”Mands, I didn’t…” Mickey’s voice shook as he spoke. ”I wasn’t home this morning, I didn’t… I didn’t tell them” His sister just held him for a few minutes.

 

”It’s okay, Mick. They know you love them. They’re gonna be okay” Mandy whispered. ”Hey, there’s the coach” She said suddenly, letting go of Mickey. Mickey looked to where she was pointing, and spotted Brian’s coach, standing in front of a bus filling with students, checking off names off of a list.

 

It would be so easy. To just walk up there and find out right now.

 

”You want me to ask?” Ian’s soothing voice asked him, but Mickey just sighed, feeling a tear drip down his cheek.

 

”If… If they’re not on that bus, that means…” He couldn’t even finish the thought, and Mandy just shook her head.

 

”Mickey, don’t fucking do that to yourself. Come on” Mandy whispered, grabbing her brother’s hand, and they started to walk towards the bus. Ian stayed behind next to Lana, watching the man he loved look completely broken, and there was not a single fucking thing he could do about it.

 

”Milkovich?” Mickey asked the coach, holding his breath as he waited for an answer.

 

The old man looked through the list quickly, eyes finally landing on two names. Brian Milkovich and Briana Milkovich. Neither of which had a checkmark next to them. He looked up at Mickey with a sad look in his eyes, slowly shaking his head.

 

”No. I’m sorry” Mandy squeezed her brother’s hand, sucking in a breath as Mickey let his out, feeling his eyes start to tear up even a little bit more.

 

”Thank you” He managed, voice wavering. He had always liked the man.

 

Mickey and Mandy made their way back over to Ian and Lana, and by now, all four of them were crying.

 

”Mickey, they’re gonna be okay” Ian said, placing a hand on the side of his neck, pressing a kiss to his temple.

 

”Thank you”

 

Mickey sighed, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms around Ian’s waist, craving the warmth and every ounce of comfort he could get at the moment. Not that anything would be able to take his mind off of the nightmare he was in. After a moment, Ian lifted Mickey’s arms off of him, looking to Mandy and then back at Mickey.

 

”You um… you’re sure they’re inside?” Mandy shrugged, not wanting to risk saying anything out loud.

 

”I tried to call them, neither’s answering” She said the one thing that scared her more than anything else.

 

The twins always answered their phones. Fucking always.

 

Ian’s eyes connected with Mickey’s, and something about the look on his face scared Mickey. Ian knew that it was stupid, idiotic, and every other word that was even remotely similar to those two. But if Ian had a chance to make sure Mickey’s kids would make it out of this alive, he would fucking take it. He pressed a warm kiss to Mickey’s forehead, and before Mickey could react, he was off, running towards the building.

 

”No!” The scream was out of Mickey’s mouth before he could process it, and he set off after him. He didn’t make it far, though. Mandy and Lana held him back.

 

”Let him go” Mandy whispered, burying her head in Mickey’s back to try to keep some of the tears in.

 

”Fucking - get back here. Ian!” Mickey was crying now, more than he was before, because somehow, Ian’s action had made this all the more real. This wasn’t a dream, this wasn’t the kind of horrible nightmare that Mickey would wake up from when his alarm rang.

 

This was real, this was happening.

 

And three of the most important people in his life were in danger. When Mickey realized that it was no use fighting against Mandy and Lana’s firm grip, his body relaxed slightly, watching the love of his life disappear into the building through tear blurry eyes.

 

”Stupid fucking idiot” Svetlana mumbled, but she couldn’t help but pray to god that the stupid redhead would make it out alive along with the twins.

 

 

”You think our parents know yet?” Giggles asked from the corner of the room.

 

Brian didn’t know his real name. He swallowed, looking straight ahead, trying to do anything but imagine his sister dead, bleeding out alone somewhere in the school. He didn’t know if the bullet had hit her or not, but he couldn’t help but assume the absolute worst.

 

”They probably do” Brian answered slowly, not recognizing his own groggy voice. How the fuck he and a bunch of other students had gotten locked up in the coach’s office, he didn’t know.

 

The hallways had been filled with so many people, so much chaos, he was just happy to be semi safe and out of sight for now, they all were. Hopefully, the wrong person wouldn’t find them here. Brian’s head was spinning. How the fuck did they get here? School wasn’t supposed to be an evil place. How did the world - fuck, how did humanity - become this fucked up?

 

Brian looked around the room, eyes traveling from student to student. There were about ten people in the office other than himself, maybe a little bit less. He was ashamed to say that he didn’t know the names of most of them.

 

Giggles was in the corner. He only knew that ’name' because he had been in his english lit class last year, and they had been paired up for an assignment. Lena was sitting right by Brian’s side, she was Briana’s best friend, but Brian had to admit, other than her name, he didn’t know much about her either.

 

The rest of the people were just faces he had passed in the hallway, not given a crap about, he just hadn’t had the time. And how was that fair? After today, they all may be gone. He should have at least cared enough to know their names.

 

The look in their eyes is all the same. Empty. Scared. Terrified of the fact that this may very well be it. Knowing full well that the people they love - their friends, their sisters, their brothers, their boyfriends, their girlfriends - may be dead, and there’s nothing they can do about it. Brian swallows and closes his eyes, leaning his head back against the wall, still trying to get the image of his sisters corpse out of his head.

 

For all he knows, she could be just fine, standing with their father, worrying about Brian himself, but of course his mind still travels to the absolute worst of places.

 

 

Ian looks to either side of the hallway as if he were crossing a road to make sure there’s no immediate threats around, and then he starts walking. He knows this is stupid, and that Mickey currently hated him for it, but if there was even the slightest chance that he could find the kids and help them get out of this safely, he’s fucking taking it.

 

It proves difficult to find where they may be, since Ian doesn’t know his way around this building at all, but finally, he finds a row of a couple of doors. He clenches his eyes shut as he feels the first one, slowly cracking it open. An empty computer lab. Fuck.

 

He continues to the second one, and the third one, but neither gets him any closer to finding Brian or Briana.

 

”Fuck” He breathes quietly, checking over his shoulder to make sure he wouldn’t miss the threat, should one show up.

 

Ian quietly moves along the school hallways for another fifteen minutes, and he’s just about to admit defeat when he suddenly stops and looks down at his feet. His shoe is placed right next to a small puddle of blood.

 

”No. Fuck” He sighs, running his hands over his face and through his hair, trying to get a hold of himself.

 

The trail of the red liquid leads him into the library, and he can feel his heart beating against his ribcage, hoping and praying to god that whatever - whoever - he finds, it’s not Brian or Briana.

 

 

”It’s not supposed to be like this” Lena’s voice makes Brian look to his left. Her eyes are staring straight ahead, just as empty as all of the others. Her long, brown afro is draped over one shoulder, hiding part of her face from Brian’s vision. ”This dark, it’s not…” She sighed. Every single ear in the room was listening to her words. ”We’re just kids, it’s not supposed to be like this”

 

She was quiet after that, but Brian couldn’t stop thinking about what she had said. It wasn’t too different from was he was thinking, but that didn’t make it any less true or moving. Brian hadn’t seen the shooter, had no fucking idea who it was, but it didn’t matter.

 

Kids shouldn’t have to be scared to go to school, they shouldn’t have to feel like they’re going to war, whether they’re scared of bullies or peer pressure, or, well… this. Seventeen. Brian was seventeen, and the kids in this room were as young as fifteen. How the fuck was any of this shit fair?

 

”Where are you guys supposed to be now?” Brian asked.

 

”Spanish” Someone answered tiredly.

 

”English lit” Lena stated.

 

”Current events” Giggles said.

 

”I think this counts” Brian stated, and had this been a less serious situation, maybe he would have said it with a chuckle.

 

 

Ian felt as if he was in a horror movie as he followed the blood trail. Not in a totally awesome way, of course, but in a terrifying way. His heart was beating so hard that he was sure that at some point, it would end up breaking his ribs.

 

”Fuck!” Briana cursed out loud, shocked by Ian’s presence when he finally found her.

 

She was sitting down, leaning back against one of the huge, tall, dark bookcases, tears streaming down her face.

 

”Briana” Ian said, not really recognizing the voice as his own. He dropped the bat the had grabbed from the locker room and sat down next to her, unable to take his eyes off of the dark, red blood oozing out of her shoulder. ”We gotta get you out of here” The Milkovich shook her head.

 

”No, no. I don’t want to go out there, please” Ian nibbled at the inside of his bottom lip in thought.

 

”You’re not safe here”

 

”Safer than out there” She stated, and he sighed, deciding he could find something to stop the bleeding with, and then focus on getting her out of here.

 

”Fine” Ian sighed, taking his zip up sweatshirt off and pressing it to her shoulder, more thankful now than ever that he froze so easily that he needed it. Briana winced at the pressure, but then relaxed a little bit as Ian sat down more comfortably next to her.

 

He leaned back against the bookcase as well, but stayed slightly turned towards Briana so that he could keep the pressure on the wound. She swallowed, tongue darting out to wet her lips. They were pale, Ian noted, most likely from the amount of bloodloss.

 

”You sure you don’t want to try get out of here?” He was about to add: ’ _I’ll protect you, I promise_ ’. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t lie to her, he didn’t have a gun, and he had no way of knowing whether there was one shooter or fifteen out there.

 

Just because he had made it inside okay, that didn’t mean that he would be as lucky getting out.

 

”No” Briana sighed. ”Don’t make me. Please” Ian sighed, but nodded slowly.

 

”Alright. But you gotta fucking stay alive, you hear me?”

 

 

”How long’s it been?” Giggles asked, voice husky. Tired.

 

”I don’t know” Someone said, and Brian’s eyes drifted up to the clock that had been stuck on half past twelve for as long as anybody could remember.

 

It seemed kind of appropriate. Time stopped. That was exactly what this felt like.

 

”An hour, maybe. Two” Lena said, and Brian sighed, knowing for sure that his father knew by now. He wished that he had some way to telepathically tell him that he was okay for now. And that he was sorry for losing his baby sister.

 

Technically, Briana was a couple of minutes older than himself, but she’d always been his baby sister, and if something happened to her because he didn’t keep track of where she was, he would never be able to forgive himself.

 

”Think we should risk going out there?” Someone asked, but everyone just shook their heads. It wasn’t worth it.

 

”What about that window?” Giggles asked, nodding to the one over the coach’s desk.

 

”No” Brian stated. ”It’s just for light, you can’t open it. Even if you broke it, there’s a high fence outside” Lena sighed at that information, leaning her head back against the wall with a thunk sound. ”Hey” Brian hissed. The last thing they wanted was for the shooter to find them.

 

”Sorry” She mumbled. ”But look, we gotta get out of here somehow. We can’t hide away forever”

 

As scared as Brian was, he actually agreed. If they hurried up, maybe they would make it out of the school, the coach’s office wasn’t too far from the main entrance. Brian sighed deeply before easing himself up onto his feet. His legs felt like rubber, and not in a pleasant - I just had sex - way.

 

No, he was terrified, they all were.

 

”Alright. Let’s go” Lena and Giggles got up as well, along with most of the other students. However, right when Giggles hand touched the door handle, a voice made them turn around.

 

”Stop. No one’s going anywhere”

 

 

”Why the fuck are you in here anyway?” Briana asked. Ian didn’t recognize her voice. It was tired, drawn out. Dark. Her head rested on Ian’s shoulder, she was getting too tired to hold it up by herself.

 

”Needed to find you” He answered simply, it was the only possible response. It wasn’t even just about making Mickey happy - fuck knows Ian running straight into a life threatening situation made him anything but. Ian felt a connection to Brian and Briana. Maybe it was because they were good kids, or maybe it was because they were Mickey’s kids. Or maybe both. But for some reason, he felt he needed to protect them as if they were his own.

 

”Most fucking heroes are dead” Came the girl’s huffed answer, and Ian chuckled sadly.

 

”You sound like your dad” He answered, lifting her head off of his shoulder a little bit to tighten the knot on his sweatshirt, making sure it was as tight as it could be around the still bleeding wound.

 

”Thank you” She whispered when her head fell onto him again.

 

She didn’t know why she said it. Maybe it was for the dad comment, she loved Mickey more than anything. If she was even slightly similar to him, she had succeeded in life. Or maybe it was because Ian was risking his own life by running into a school shooting and finding her. Maybe she thanked him because he seemed to make her father very happy. Maybe she thanked him for all of this, but it didn’t matter why she thanked him, just that she did.

 

She needed him to hear it.

 

”You’re welcome” Ian sighed, his breath wavering.

 

”You’re a pretty great stepdad” Briana felt Ian’s body still at the comment.

 

”Me and your dad, we’re not really, um…”

 

”Yeah” Briana whispered tiredly. ”You are”

 

 

Brian swallowed, feeling his blood run cold. He was literally staring down the barrel of a gun. Lena seemed to shrink about five sizes as she hid behind his shoulder. Moments ago, everybody had been tired, scared, but safe for the moment being, or so they had thought.

 

Now they were all nothing but terrified again.

 

”Why are you doing this, man?” Giggles asked. ”You don’t gotta do this”

 

His fingers twitched to run his hand over his bald head in frustration, anxiety, but he was afraid that any sudden movements might get him killed. It didn’t make much sense, but in that moment, it did. It felt as if they were in a cage with a lion.

 

Only this lion could kill them all so much faster than an actual one could. Besides, Giggles dark skin made him even more scared. It shouldn’t be that way. Something about your physical appearance shouldn’t make you more or less scared of a weapon, but sadly, that was the world they lived in.

 

”Why?” The guy asked loudly. ”You’re asking me why I am doing this?” Brian frowned.

 

The guy couldn’t be much older than himself, in fact, he was pretty sure he was even a year or two younger.

 

”You” Suddenly the gun was pointed at Brian again, and he subconsciously put an arm around Lena’s waist to protect her, push her back. ”Milkovich. What’s my name?”

 

Brian knew the guy’s face, he knew most people’s faces around school. But he didn’t know who he was, or what he did, and he was pretty sure he hadn’t even stopped to talk to him before. Ever. The guy was slightly shorter than himself, built, sure. He had pretty big glasses and long hair. Not past his ears, but long enough that he could run one of his hands through it in frustration, which was exactly what he did, while keeping the gun pointed straight at Brian.

 

”I don’t… I don’t know” Brian was finally forced to admit, and the guy chuckled bitterly.

 

”Yeah. Anybody?” The room was quiet. Too quiet. It hurt Brian’s heart. Nobody deserved to be that invisible. ”No. Of course not. Give me your phones” Brian frowned, but eventually, they all had no choice but to obey the orders of the man with the gun. ”Sit down” The guy nodded to the wall when he had gotten all of the phones along with a couple of ipads. ”I said, sit down!”

 

Everyone flinched at the sudden raise of his voice, and they all did as they were told, beating themselves up for not fighting harder to get out when they had had the chance.

 

 

Mickey was standing right behind the tape, feeling his heart being ripped out of his chest as minutes turned to hours.

 

”You want me to get you a coffee or something?” Mandy asked from behind him. She knew that now was not the time, but they had been out here close to five hours, she had to do something, say something, even if it was just to distract herself for a second or two.

 

Mickey just shook his head.

 

The tears had since long dried up. Now he was just waiting. Waiting. For every single second that passed he felt himself go more and more insane, grow more and more worried and sure that his kids were already gone, taken away from him. Except for Yev, Mandy and Lana - and maybe a couple of his brothers - every single person that he truly loved was inside of that building.

 

”Fuck” He sighed, tugging at his hair. ”Why aren’t they moving in?”

 

”If there’s a hostage situation going on, it would only make it worse. They have to wait, figure out exactly what’s going on” Mandy explained as calmly as she managed. The truth was that she was just as terrified as her brother.

 

 

”I’m tired” Briana sighed. ”Are you tired?”

 

”Yeah, but you have to stay awake, okay?” Ian stated, knowing that with the amount of bloodloss she had endured, a nap was not a good idea. ”Talk to me. Tell me… Tell me about a good day, alright?”

 

Briana huffed, her eyes fluttering open and then closed, unable to stay one way for too long. Her cheek was still smashed against Ian’s shoulder, her arm tingling.

 

”Couple years back…” She started, sounding as if those three words took every single ounce of energy out of her. Ian frowned, knowing that he would have to get her out of here soon, no matter how hard she would fight against it. ”We were visiting uncle Iggy. There was snow. Mickey and Brian were off somewhere, I don’t remember. It was just me and Yev…” She trailed off, staying quiet for a couple of seconds to gather some more strength. She swallowed before continuing. ”We had never really had…”

 

Briana sighed, trying to ignore the pain and keep on talking.

 

”Never really had a christmas like that before…white. Always been in Miami” Ian nodded a little bit. ”So we went outside, and we played for hours. Just… acting like kids, not giving a fuck” Ian let out a huff in amusement. ”We built a snow fort. With a tunnel” Briana added the last part with a little bit of humor, as much as she could manage in this situation, at least. ”That was a good day” She nodded to herself tiredly.

 

”Hey” Ian said quietly, lifting her head off of his shoulder to gain access to hers, tightening the knot further.

 

The blood had slowed down, but he was pretty sure that wasn’t a good sign at all. How the fuck she had managed to stay awake close to five hours, he didn’t know, but she was his new hero.

 

 

”Look, I get you’re not fucking popular or whatever, but that doesn’t give you the right to do this, man” Brian couldn’t keep it in any longer, and stood up. ”This is wrong, man, all of this! Look around!”

 

”You’re one to talk, Milkovich, huh?” Brian frowned at the way his voice somehow sounded both weak and threatening at the same time. ”You have no idea what it’s like to be me. How I have to keep my head down when I walk through the hallways to try to keep people from seeing me, because if they do, they call me a faggot, or a pussy or a bitch”

 

Giggles swallowed down the pity welling up.

 

”You know, last week I had a day when nobody looked at me. No one! No one talked to me, not even a teacher, and you know what I realized? That was the best day of my life. So you’re not allowed to judge me, you’re Brian fucking Milkovich. Everyone knows you. You know, your worst day in this place would be my best day!”

 

The gun was still pointed at Brian’s chest from across the small room. 

 

”I’m not saying that’s fucking fair, but this is still wrong, man!”

 

”Don’t yell at each other” Lena’s weak voice spoke.

 

There were no tears on her face, but her eyes were red, both tired and cried out.

 

”How did this happen? It’s not… it’s not supposed to be like this, we’re just kids. How did everything get so dark? Sad. Like a constant war”

 

Brian didn’t look away from the gun, but he listened. It was true, all of it, this wasn’t right. Somebody shouldn’t feel so invisible or bullied that they did this. In a way, they were victims, every single person in the school, including the shooter. He looked so little, hurt, even with the gun.

 

 

”It was a student” Ian frowned.  

 

”What?”

 

”The shooter. It was a student” Briana took a deep breath. "I know him from a couple of my classes. But he didn’t look evil or… or mean. He just looked…” She was quiet for a full thirty seconds before she finished her thought, voice thick. ”Scared”

 

Ian fought back some tears, about all of this.

 

”They’re gonna come now” Briana spoke after a while, a tear trailing down her cheek.

 

”Who?”

 

”All of them” She stated. ”The reporters, and the psychologists, and the analysts… the so called experts” Briana’s voice was weak now, quiet enough that Ian could just barely make out the words. ”And they’re gonna try to make sense of all of this. But they’re not gonna be able to”

 

A tear trailed down Ian’s cheek.

 

”I think that even if I… even if we make it out of this, it’s always gonna stick with us. It’s never gonna be the same again”

 

They were quiet after that, Ian thinking over her words.

 

”Let me check the wound, alright?” He said after a beat, easing her head off of his shoulder.

 

Now wasn’t really the time to get emotional, he could do that later. Briana did her best to keep her head from falling down again, but she was tired. So tired. Ian hadn’t been brave enough to lift his shirt and check the bullet hole before now, but it had been hours, he had to.

 

Briana winced when the pressure disappeared, her eyes falling closed. The skin was pealed up in a few areas, and Ian could see some of the meat through the blood. He couldn’t see much else, she had lost too much blood, but he knew enough about injuries like this to realize that it was bad. Really fucking bad.

 

”Can you feel your arm at all?” He asked, bracing himself for the response he just knew was coming.

 

”No. I mean… shoulder… hurts, not more. Dead. Numb” Ian sighed, tying his shirt back in place over the injury.

 

”I gotta get you out of here. Now” Briana didn’t fight when he tightened the fabric further and lifted her up, bridal style.

 

”You gonna fight a bullet with a baseball bat?” Came the muffled question when he lifted the weapon.

 

”You have a better idea right now?” She was way too much like her father. He sighed deeply, and started making his way out. As soon as the library door slammed loudly behind him, Ian knew he had messed up.

 

 

Brian winced when he heard the door. Fucking idiot, whoever it was. The shooter stood up from the chair he had started occupying only a couple of minutes earlier.

 

”You don’t have to do this” Giggles said when the guy walked towards the office door and unlocked it. He turned around, pointing the weapon into the room.

 

”Shut up. Everybody stays here. If even one person is gone when I come back, everybody’s dead. Understood?”

 

Brian swallowed, but then they all nodded. However, it wasn’t more than thirty seconds after the office door slammed behind him that Brian was on his feet, walking towards it as well.

 

”Brian, what the fuck?” Lena hissed.

 

”Just…” He sighed, looking out of the clear part of the door. ”Everyone stay here, alright? I’m going”

 

He couldn’t stay locked up in that small room any longer. The dark blue walls were starting to give him a headache. No one liked the fact that Brian went after the guy, but then again, no one stopped him. This needed to end. One way or another.

 

He made sure to close the door very slowly as to not make a sound, and then he followed the guy down the hall, his heart pumping hard. Only a few meters from the main entrance, everything clashed together.

 

”Where the fuck do you think you’re going?!” Ian jumped a little bit at the voice as he stepped over the broken glass.

 

”I… She’s hurt” He said simply, spotting Brian behind the shooter.

 

Briana was passed out by now, an arm around his neck. Brian swallowed at the sight of his injured sister. He had had some kind of hope that she was okay, unharmed, but there it was. The conformation of the opposite.

 

”I have to get her out of here. Please” Ian continued. ”If I don’t get her out of here, she’s gonna die” Ian knew he wasn’t lying, and it physically hurt his heart. This shouldn’t be able to happen.

 

His eyes flickered to Brian’s, and he saw them well up with tears.

 

”How the fuck did you even get in? The school’s supposed to be on lockdown!” Ian forced himself not to jump at how quickly the student raised his voice.

 

”Brian” Ian didn’t know what possessed him to do it, but he had to. ”Take her out of here”

 

Brian nodded, and slowly made his way past the shooter over to Ian and Briana.

 

”What the fuck is this?!” The guy yelled when he saw Brian. ”The school’s on lockdown!”

 

Brian swallowed hard and Ian carefully handed over his passed out sister.

 

”Let me take her out of here?” Brian surprised even himself by asking. ”Please” The shooter was almost crying.

 

”I didn’t… I didn’t mean it” The gun was still pointed at Ian, and Ian did his best to try to remain calm, trying to figure out a way to get them all out of this alive.

 

”I know” Ian said calmly. ”Let them go” The guy was quiet for a beat, but finally nodded a couple of times.

 

”Go. Now before I change my mind”

 

”Ian” Brian spoke. Ian looked down at his bloodstained t shirt.

 

”Brian. Go. You’re gonna be okay”

 

Brian took a deep breath, and then walked out of the school, praying to god that Ian would be too.

 

Ian was left, staring down the barrel of the gun, hoping that this wasn’t his last moments of life.

 

”What’s your name?” Ian asked carefully. The shooter looked surprised at the question, and his arm was shaking, his eyes welling up with even more tears.

 

”Cooper” Ian nodded.

 

”Cooper. Why don’t you give me the gun, huh? We can walk out of here together” Ian nodded to the door.

 

”No” Cooper said immediately. ”It doesn’t….” A couple of tears wandered down his cheek. ”It doesn’t work that way”

 

Something about the guy reminded Ian of bambi, scared and helpless, despite what he had done.

 

”I can’t” The shooter’s voice was thick, sad.

 

”I’m not gonna leave you here, Cooper. I’ve been there. I’ve made a fuck ton of mistakes in my life, but I got back up” He stated. ”You can, too. So I’m not gonna just walk out of here without you. Hand me the gun. Please”

 

Ian said it all as steadily as he could possibly manage while staring at something that could easily kill him in a single second. He didn’t have an answer as to why he cared about this boy other than the fact that he was just that.

 

A boy.

 

Kids shouldn’t have to feel this way, they shouldn’t have to feel the need to threaten people or be violent or even rude. Kids shouldn’t have to be bullied and coaxed into thinking they’re not good enough.

 

”I can’t…” Cooper shook his head as his entire body seemed to weaken. ”…She’s gonna die” He choked on a sob.

 

”You don’t know that” Ian stated, still holding onto that small piece of hope.

 

”You don’t know what… What’s it’s like. I was invisible. Completely. And if I wasn’t, they hated me” The shooter spoke, and Ian’s eyes welled up with tears of his own.

 

”It gets better” He stated. ”That’s not a line, it’s true, it does. Maybe it doesn’t feel like it, but it will. Eventually, it will”

 

Ian didn’t know exactly what to say to make things end what way, but he just spoke from his heart. Even though he had never taken a gun to school, he had done a fuck ton of other mistakes in his life. None of which he ever imagined it was possible to bounce back from, but he had.

 

”Not this” Cooper sank to his knees. ”I can’t… I can’t take this back, I can’t erase this!” He was sobbing now, looking completely broken. Ian swallowed.

 

”Give me the gun, Cooper, and we can just walk out of here” He tried again.

 

Cooper shook his head slightly again, his body seeming to grow more tired with every second.

 

”I just… I wanted… I wanted them to leave me alone. I wanted them to like me”

 

Ian closed his eyes for a second, trying his best to keep the tears in.

 

”It’s what we all want, isn’t it? But that voice in your head, that pain in your gut that tells you there’s no way out anymore, it’s wrong, Cooper! It’s wrong! I’m living proof of that”

 

Their eyes connected, and Ian registered the fact that something seemed to snap in place behind Cooper’s. Or maybe snap out of place. But he didn’t know what, until it was too late.

 

”I’m sorry”

 

”NO!”

 

 

_”Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred. How did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us? That we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war. Hoping for their safe return, but knowing that some will be lost along the way. When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name?_

 

_Is it your name?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who have watched one tree hill: Yes, I did use quite a lot of things from that episode, mainly because I love it, but also because I wanted to do this the right way, and I didn't want to risk offending anybody or anything like that. The outcomes won't be the same in terms of deaths and injuries and shit, I just needed some help with this chapter. 
> 
> I hope this wasn't too dramatic for any of you. Comments and kudos are always very appreciated, but especially on this chapter because I'm not really sure if it's good and realistic or not. 
> 
> Hope you all have a wonderful day! x


	13. Now Approaching... (Aftermath)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mandy scooted closer to her brother, laying an arm around his shoulders.
> 
> She didn’t ask him if he was okay, because she knew that he wasn’t. She didn’t ask him if he wanted a cup of coffee, because she knew that he would just end up throwing it back up. She didn’t speak, because she knew that there was nothing she could say that was going to make this better. 
> 
> So instead, she just sat there next to him, doing her best to comfort him without uttering a single syllable.

Everything seemed to move in slow motion as Brian carried his injured sister out of the school.

 

His body was throbbing with the relief of feeling the air on his skin, being free. But he wasn’t smiling, he wasn’t happy. He couldn’t be. Just because he, himself was physically safe, that didn’t mean that his sister was, or that Ian would be.

 

Brian tried not to think about what scene he had left behind, and instead continued walking straight ahead over the courtyard and towards the crowd, the police and the ambulances they had on standby. An agent met him a few meters from the tape, taking Briana off of his hands and carrying her to the paramedics.

 

Another one pushed him down on the ground, locking his hands behind his back, searching his body to make sure he wasn’t packing a weapon. Brian sighed, cooperating so that it would all be over faster.

 

Mickey had thought that the past six hours had been and would always be the worst ones of his life. He was wrong. The absolute worst moment of his life was the second that door opened, revealing his son, carrying his passed out daughter in his arms.

 

He wanted to call their names, scream, cry, anything. But he couldn’t. Mickey’s body was frozen solid, his throat clogged up, eyes stinging. He couldn’t do anything but watch as his nightmare got even worse.

 

Mandy closed her eyes, a tear dropping down her cheek as she wrapped an arm around her brother’s waist, trying to comfort him. Svetlana wiped a tear off of her own cheek, silently praying to god that they would both be okay.

 

As soon as Brian was let go, he ran up to Mickey, throwing his arms around him. Mickey hugged him back just as tightly, placing a hand on the back of his head like he used to do when he was a little kid. He had his eyes clenched shut for a minute, drinking in the feeling of having his son back in his arms after being so close to losing him.

 

When he opened them, his eyes focused on his daughter, a few feet away from him, being placed onto a gurney. Mickey’s head was spinning. He wanted to stay here with Brian, he wanted to go with Briana to the hospital, and where the fuck was Ian?

 

He let go of his son and Brian went on to get a hug just as tight from his aunt. Mickey pushed past some of the people to get to his daughter.

 

”I’m her dad, is she gonna be okay?” He asked one of the paramedics, struggling to keep the tears in as he laid eyes on her passed out body, the obvious gash in her shoulder covered in bloodstained, white fabric.

 

”We have to get her back to the hospital before we can tell. I’m sorry” The man said, and Mickey sighed, closing his eyes for a second, running his hand over his mouth. ”Are you coming with?” Mickey turned to look at his family. Svetlana was holding Brian now, crying. She had really softened quite a bit over the years. Then again, this was the most extreme of circumstances.

 

”Go!” Mandy called. ”We’ll stay here, call you with any news about Ian. I promise, Mickey. Go with her!”

 

Mickey thumbed his bottom lip. He really didn’t want to leave, but there was no fucking way he was letting his daughter go to the hospital without him when she had been shot. He nodded to them, and then turned around, getting into the ambulance next to his daughter.

 

Her cheeks looked more hollowed out than usual, and her skin was white, almost green, a thin layer of cold sweat covering it. Mickey wasn’t sure he wanted to know what the people in that building had been through today.

 

Right when the ambulance had pulled away from the curb, Mickey heard the gun shot. With his head buried in his hands, he cried.

 

 

”Are you okay?” Mandy asked her nephew when Mickey had gotten into the ambulance with Briana. Brian nodded.

 

”Yeah. I think so. I’m fine” She nodded.

 

”Where’s Ian?”

 

Brian’s face fell, and she knew that something was wrong. But before he could speak, the sound of the gun shot reached the crowd, rattling everyone’s bones. Mandy gasped, her eyes tearing up.

 

Brian clenched his eyes shut after the initial shock, praying to god that someone - anyone - other than Ian had been hit.

 

 

Waiting had never been Mickey’s favorite activity. Especially not in a hospital waiting room when he didn’t know whether his daughter would live or die and there wasn’t shit he could do about it. His eyes were dried up, stinging from all of the crying he had done today.

 

After those five, almost six hours outside of the school, there were no nails left to bite, but he still tried. Fuck, why weren’t they telling him anything? Mickey sighed deeply, taking his fingers away from his mouth and instead started running his hands through his hair, tugging at the roots in frustration.

 

He had been through a lot of shitty things in his life, but this had to be the worst. He tried his best not to think about how weak Briana had looked, laid out on that gurney. It was no use. It was all he could see.

 

But Mickey at least knew that his daughter had a chance to be okay. She was in the hospital. Ian on the other hand… Mickey closed his eyes, hearing that horrific sound over and over in his head. All he could see was the bullet hitting Ian’s chest, killing him instantly.

 

That could have happened. Ian could be dead, right now. A tear trailed down Mickey’s cheek and he wiped it away, swallowing, praying to god that Mandy would call soon, saying that they were all okay.

 

Mickey’s mind drifted to his older son. He wondered whether he had heard yet, no doubt this would make headlines all throughout the united states. As if on cue, Mickey’s phone buzzed in his pocket, signaling an incoming call. Yevgeny.

 

Mickey sighed, bracing himself before accepting the call and placing the device against his ear.

 

”Hey, bud”

 

_”Dad, this shit is all over the news, are they okay?!”_ Mickey swallowed, one more tear dropping. And then another one. And another one.

 

”Your sister, she um… I’m at the hospital”

 

_”Is she gonna be okay?”_ Yevgeny asked, his loud tone making Mickey wince.

 

”I don’t know” He sighed.

 

A part of him wanted to lie, say that it wasn’t so bad so that Yevgeny would calm down and go on with his day, but he knew that that wasn’t fair. Briana was Yevgeny’s sister, he had every right to know if she was hurt.

 

_”Brian?”_

 

”He’s fine” Mickey assured him. ”Physically” He added then, since he had no idea of knowing what his youngest son had seen in that school.

 

_”Fuck”_ Yev cursed through a sigh. _”I’m gonna come home early”_

 

”No, no!” Mickey said immediately. ”Don’t fucking do that, alright? I’ll call you if anything changes but don’t risk your grades” He could all but hear Yevgeny’s eyeroll over the phone.

 

_”Don’t tell me what to do, dad. I’m coming home”_ Mickey sighed, nodding, even though Yev couldn’t see him. After almost twenty two years of raising Yevgeny, Mickey had learned that there was no use fighting him when he had decided on something.

 

”Alright” He nodded more to himself, running a hand through his hair. 

 

_”I’m gonna go book a plane ticket, call me if anything happens, alright?”_ Mickey nodded more, humming.

 

”I will. I promise. Love you, bud”

 

_”I love you too, dad. Tell them I love them too”_

 

”Of course. Bye”

 

_”Bye”_

 

Mickey sighed, hanging up the phone and running a hand over his mouth. He had thought that his life had been ruined when he had realized that he was into guys. Mickey had thought that his life was over when Svetlana was forced to rape him and had gotten pregnant.

 

He had thought that he would never bounce back from Ian breaking up with him. More than once after that, time and time again, things had happened to Mickey and he had felt as if his life was in pieces. But nothing - fucking nothing - would ever be able to compare to the feeling of not knowing whether two of the most important people in your life are alive or not.

 

Mickey had thought that his heart had been ripped out of his chest when he and Ian had broken up, but now, not knowing if Ian is dead or alive or hurt in an ambulance… Mickey clenched his eyes shut, trying his best to focus on something - anything - other than what was going on in his life right now.

 

It was a lost cause, of course.

 

His entire body was throbbing, and all he wanted was to wake up, for all of this to be nothing but a horrible nightmare.

 

”Mick!” Mickey’s head snapped up at the sound of his sister’s voice.

 

She was walking down the long, white hallway next to her wife. And Ian.

 

_Ian._

 

Mickey felt like at least half of the weight on his chest was removed as he laid eyes on the man he had been so fucking worried about. Ian looked tired, in fact exhausted would probably be an understatement. He looked broken. But he was here. He was alive. And because of that, Mickey didn’t even try to fight it when his body decided to stand up and run over to him.

 

Ian immediately returned the tight hug, burying his nose in Mickey’s hair, breathing in his scent. Their arms were so tightly wound around each other’s bodies that they could barely breathe, but they didn’t give a fuck. Today had been their definition of hell. Being back in each other’s grasp was worth everything.

 

”I fucking hate you” Mickey mumbled into Ian’s shoulder, closed eyes welling up with more tears, his scent filling his senses.

 

”I know, baby” Ian whispered back, squeezing Mickey even a little bit tighter. But he couldn’t say he was sorry. Because he wasn’t. Just like Mickey couldn't have been sorry, had it been the other way around.

 

They protected each other. Each other’s family was included, and they could never be sorry for that. Mickey knew this, and it only made him want to dig himself even deeper into Ian’s body.

 

”We’re gonna give you guys some privacy” Mandy spoke, leading Lana away from the couple.

 

They didn’t listen. Instead, they just stayed in the tight embrace, completely unable to let go for even a second, and not feeling the need to.

 

”Where’s Brian?” Mickey asked, voice muffled by Ian’s shirt.

 

”Gymnasium. They took all the hostages there for a routine check. Would have been too crowded to bring them here” Ian explained, not loosening his grip on Mickey.

 

If he could spend the rest of his life holding him, he would. His nose was still buried in Mickey’s black hair, and he couldn’t help but breathe in deeply, inhaling the safe comfort of his smell.

 

Soon, though, they had to let go, and they sat down right next to each other in the chairs, one of Ian’s arms around Mickey’s shoulders. Mickey relaxed against him, closing his eyes for a beat before opening them again.

 

”You shirt was around her arm. What exactly happened? How’d you get out?” Ian turned his head, pressing a soft kiss to Mickey’s temple.

 

”You sure you want to know about this right now?” Mickey sighed again, thinking it over for a bit. Of course he didn’t want to know, but he needed to.

 

”Yeah” He assured Ian softly, nodding his head. Ian swallowed, starting to speak.

 

”I found Briana in the library. We stayed there, sitting on the floor. She was too scared to try to get out, so I did my best to stop the bleeding, but I don’t know how well I did” He said. ”After she passed out, I figured I needed to get her out anyway, so I carried her. We ran into Brian in the hallway… and the guy who…” Mickey closed his eyes tightly, bracing himself. ”Anyway, um… I handed her over to Brian and I tried to talk to the guy, but it was no use… he’s gone”

 

Ian’s mind flickered back to that moment. The moment when the gun went of, and he knew that he had failed in saving the boy’s life. A boy. A child. Ian could still see the blood, the splattered brain on the hallway floor. He swallowed.

 

Ian didn’t have the time to dwell on it now. Maybe when things had slowed down, it would come back to haunt hi, but right now, he needed to focus on Mickey and his family. Anything and everything else could wait. A tear trailed down Mickey’s cheek, and he grabbed one of Ian’s hands in both of his own, lacing their fingers together. Ian squeezed reassuringly.

 

”I heard the shot. I thought you were dead” Mickey admitted quietly, and Ian sighed, dropping a kiss to his hair.

 

”I’m sorry, baby” He whispered. Because even though he couldn’t be sorry for doing what he did, of course he was sorry for scaring Mickey like that. He didn’t deserve it, he never had.

 

”Thanks for taking care of her for me” Mickey mumbled then, and Ian squeezed his hand again.

 

”Always” He promised, and Mickey sighed, lifting his head off of Ian’s shoulder to look him in the eye for the first time since he had arrived at the hospital. They were both cried out by now, red eyes crusty and stinging.

 

”What if she’s not gonna be okay, Ian?” Mickey asked silently.

 

All Ian wanted to do was to assure him that she would be. Tell him that they wouldn’t accept any other possibility. But the truth was that he couldn’t. That would be a cheap, hopeful lie, and Ian didn’t want to lie to Mickey. There was a very real possibility that she wouldn’t be okay, not that he would ever risk saying that out loud either.

 

So instead of saying anything, he just lowered his lips to Mickey’s forehead, pressing a comforting kiss to the skin. Mickey closed his eyes, doing his best to take a deep breath, his hand tightening around Ian’s.

 

”I need…” He started, wondering whether it was stupid to say in a situation like this or not. He was starting to tear up again as Ian pulled away and locked eyes with him.

 

”What do you need? Tell me. Anything” Ian spoke softly, knowing he would literally bend over backwards if it could make Mickey even a fraction happier.

 

”I need…” Mickey tried again. ”I need you right now. I need you to be my partner” The look on Ian’s face softened even a little bit further, and he nodded.

 

”Of course I’m your partner, Mick. Come here” He wrapped his arms around Mickey’s body, and Mickey pressed closer to him, almost to the point where he was sitting in his lap, but he didn’t give a fuck how it looked.

 

His face was buried deep in Ian’s neck, breathing in his scent again, immediately feeling it calm him down the slightest bit. Ian closed his eyes, his nose in Mickey’s hair.

 

”I love you” He spoke so quietly that Mickey barely caught it. ”I’m gonna be with you through all of this shit, Mick. I promise you that”

 

Mickey’s body relaxed as the words hit his ear, and he lifted his head to look into Ian’s eyes. A part of him longed to lean forwards and press his lips against Ian’s. To give into it. But he didn’t. Mickey really didn’t want their first kiss in twenty years to be in a hospital waiting room. It would have to wait.

 

Instead, he just wrapped his arms tighter around his partner, letting his warmth calm his breathing further.

 

 

”Do you feel dizzy at all?” Brian frowned, irritated with the small bright light searching his eyes.

 

”No”

 

”Nauseous?”

 

”No” He answered, wondering why the fuck he needed to do this. He just wanted to go to the hospital and be with his family.

 

”Does any part of your body feel physically abnormal?”

 

”No” The paramedic nodded, clicking the tiny flashlight off and putting it into her pocket.

 

”Alright, good. There’s a couple of more checks I want to do in a few minutes, and then you’re free to go” She walked away for the moment being, and Brian sighed, running his hands through his hair.

 

His eyes wandered around the place. The gym was old, kind of small in comparison to some other ones he had seen and played in. In the past, he had kind of loved it. His aunt Mandy had described it as having charm.

 

But now, he wanted nothing more than to get out of there. The space was filled with students, parents, paramedics, and even a couple of agents, asking questions. Inside of the school, when he had been right in the middle of this shit, he hadn’t had too much time to think it over, he realized now.

 

But he was safe now, and it was ever so slowly starting to creep up to him. It was so sad. How one person could be treated so poorly and result to ruin other people’s lives like this. Brian wouldn’t miss the guy, fuck, he hadn’t even known about him until just today. But the thought that he was gone - just like that - it was tough.

 

Brian guessed that he would always have problems with death, whether it was a guy like Cooper, or… he sighed deeply, unwilling to go there. Briana would be just fine. She had to be.

 

”Hey” Lena said, walking over and sitting down next to him on the wooden bleachers.

 

”Hey” Brian answered, looking at her for only a moment before turning his head forwards again, looking over the people. Like ants, trying to make everything work. Trying to understand. Trying to make sense of all of this.

 

”Have you heard anything about Briana?” Brian shrugged.

 

”Last I heard from Mandy she was still in surgery”

 

They were quiet for a beat, both of them off in their own world before Lena opened her mouth again.

 

”Are you gonna be okay?” Brian let out another deep sigh, leaning forwards, his forearms resting on his knees as he turned his head to look her in the eye.

 

”I’ll live” He spoke, and she nodded.

 

Brian had always liked her. It wasn’t like he had a crush or anything, in fact, he saw her more like a second sister than anything else. But she had always been there for Briana, and he appreciated that. Even though he and Lena hadn’t really talked that much, he just knew that she genuinely cared, and honestly, that meant a lot.

 

”Call me if anything changes with her, alright? I’ll stop by the hospital some time in the next few days to visit” Brian nodded.

 

”I will” Lena stood up.

 

”My dad’s outside, I’m gonna go. You need a ride?” Brian shook his head.

 

”No, I’m not free to go yet, but fuck if I know what else they need to look at. Pretty sure they checked my fucking teeth for damage” Lena snorted, nodding.

 

”Alright. See you around” Brian gave her a two fingered salute, watching as she walked out of the gym.

 

Then it was quiet again. Well, at least in his corner of the gym it was. He was alone with his thoughts, going over every single detail of today that he could remember, wondering if he could have done something differently.

 

What if he had seen the terrified look on Briana’s face when she spotted the gun? It was so fucking obvious now when he thought back. What if he had turned around and seen it as well? What if he had been able to push her out of the way, out of the school? It wasn’t good for him, and he knew that.

 

Any sane person would tell him that none of this was his fault, but it didn’t matter. Of course he thought of ways he could have done better, ways he could have kept her from harm. What if he had convinced her to skip school today? He had done that before. Why didn’t he this morning? Their father hadn’t been home, it would have been a great day for it. 

 

They could have been at home by the kitchen table right now, talking about how fucking lucky they were that today had been the day they had decided to skip. But it wasn't. They hadn't.

 

Brian’s head was spinning and spinning and spinning and pounding and pounding and pounding, and he couldn’t seem to shut it off. He ran a hand over his face, sighing deeply.

 

”Excuse me?” Brian frowned looking up.

 

A lady was standing in front of him, maybe in her late twenties. She was professionally dressed, hair up in a tight bun, a smile on her face that had to be fake and perfected over years and years of practice.

 

”Do I know you?” His forehead was drawn together, the frown lines deep and prominent after years of making the same expression.

 

”Are you Brian Milkovich?”

 

”Yeah”

 

”I was wondering if I could take a moment of your time. See, I’m from the newspaper, and since people around here know your name, I would like to interview you really quickly about today’s tragedy”

 

”You know what, lady, now is really not the fucking time” Brian pulled on the Milkovich attitude like an old, worn out hoodie. Just because he chose not to use it, that didn’t mean that he didn’t have it hidden away for times like this.

 

”Well, I just want to ask you how you feel about this individual feeling like an outsider? Do you think it could happen again, and do you care about other individuals feeling this way?” She asked with the same huge, professional smile on her face. Like she didn’t hear him. He looked up at her, squinting.

 

”Would you get the fuck out of my face already?” He normally didn’t like being rude to people, but this bitch was asking for it. Today was hard enough on people without reporters going around making money off of it. She nodded, looking as if she was thinking over something as her eyes fell on the notepad in her hands.

 

”Let me at least ask you this…” Her voice got ever so slightly sharper. ”How much time have _you_ spent with Cooper Young in the last year?” Fuck the Milkovich attitude, Brian was getting extremely close to the Milkovich treatment as his fists clenched.

 

”Are you fucking seriously blaming this on me? I’m not a bully” He said, standing up, towering well over her small frame, and he could tell she was starting to get intimidated as he lowered his voice. ”I care about people, but even if I didn’t, none of this shit would be my fault. Look around. I’m a victim, just like every other person inside of that school” He spoke very lowly now, and she started fidgeting. ”You should fucking be ashamed of yourself”

 

And with that, he walked away, taking deep breaths, trying to force himself to calm down somehow.

 

 

Mickey’s body was aching. Every single part of him was completely exhausted as Ian’s arms were still tightly wound around him, trying to make him feel better despite the fact that it was, of course, impossible.

 

They still hadn’t gotten a word on Briana.

 

Mickey tried to comfort himself with the fact that it was only her shoulder. It wasn’t stomach or neck or some shit. But he also knew that he was lying to himself. It could be really fucking bad, despite the fact that it hadn’t had the possibility to hit a major organ.

 

Through the small window by the ceiling, Mickey could see that the darkness was ever so slowly starting to fall outside, reminding him what a long day they had been through.

 

He could tell Ian was getting tired, his head getting heavier on top of Mickey’s, his arms starting to loosen a tiny bit around his body. But he hadn’t mentioned leaving, he hadn’t mentioned going home, taking the shower he hadn’t gotten this morning. And Mickey just fucking knew that he wouldn’t.

 

That’s part of the reason why he loved him so much. Ian would never leave him alone like this.

 

”Hey…” Mandy and Svetlana came walking down the hallway after being gone for the better part of the past hour. ”Brian just called” She said, waving her phone a little bit. ”They won’t let him go without an adult, you want me to go get him?”

 

Mickey thumbed his bottom lip, looking at her. Ian unwrapped his arms from around him so that he could sit up straight, and instead took his hand.

 

”I’ll go” Ian spoke up. How the fuck he knew Mickey this well after twenty years apart would probably always remain a mystery, but that didn’t change the fact that he did. He did know him, and right now, he knew that he needed his sister by his side.

 

”Thank you” Mickey said, turning his head to look at him. Ian just smiled warmly, squeezing his hand and pressing a soft, comforting kiss to his temple before looking to Mandy.

 

”Where’s the gym exactly?”

 

”About ten blocks north of the school, an old, beat up brick building, you can’t really miss it” Ian nodded, standing up and unbraiding his fingers from Mickey’s.

 

”Thank you for helping” Svetlana said, and he looked at her nodding, a soft smile still present on his face.

 

”Of course”

 

”I’ll call them, make sure they let him leave with you” Mandy informed, and Ian nodded again.

 

”I’ll be back soon” He said, bending down to press a kiss to Mickey’s hair. ”I love you”

 

Mickey nodded, and looked up at him, trying to manage a small smile. Ian knew what that meant. In Mickey’s way, that was a ’ _you too_ ’.

 

Ian left, and Mandy scooted closer to her brother, laying an arm around his shoulders.

 

She didn’t ask him if he was okay, because she knew that he wasn’t. She didn’t ask him if he wanted a cup of coffee, because she knew that he would just end up throwing it back up. She didn’t speak, because she knew that there was nothing she could say that was going to make this better. So instead, she just sat there next to him, doing her best to comfort him without uttering a single syllable.

 

 

When Brian had left that idiot reporter behind, he walked outside of the building, struggling to calm down. He didn’t get further than the square cement pole right outside of the door, holding the roof up before he broke down.

 

There weren’t any people around, so he held onto it, and he cried.

 

He cried about the fact that his sister was hurt. He cried about the fact that someone had been so badly bullied that they had done this. He cried about the fact that no, he hadn’t spent any time with Cooper Young in the past year, or ever. He cried about the fact that he hadn’t bothered to learn Giggles actual name.

 

Brian cried about everything. Big or small or meaningless or life altering. He let go, and he cried.

 

”Brian” He jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

 

”Fuck” He cursed, wiping his eyes as he turned around to face his father’s partner.

 

Ian had a sad look in his eyes as he reached an arm forwards, giving Brian a hug. It wasn’t very long or warm, just a promise that Ian cared, and Brian appreciated that. A lot.

 

”I already signed you out, let’s go” Brian nodded, wiping the last of the tears off of his face, then they walked towards Ian’s car.

 

 

The ride to the hospital was quiet. Not awkward or anything like that, just quiet. Sad. Both Ian and Brian were off in their own worlds, over thinking today, thinking what they could have done differently. Beating themselves up over things that were nowhere near their fault.

 

 

”I talked to Yev” Mickey said, looking to the boy's mother.

 

”Yeah? He was worried?” Mickey nodded.

 

”Of course. He’s coming home early. I told him he didn’t have to, but you know how he gets” Both of the women nodded. They surely did.

 

”It will be good to have him home, even with all of this” Svetlana stated, and Mickey agreed.

 

”Hey!” Mandy said, standing up when she spotted Brian and Ian walking down the hallway together. When he was close enough, she gave him a warm hug, and Mickey and Lana did the same.

 

”Hey, bud” Mickey said. ”What’d they check? You alright?” Brian nodded. He was, under the circumstances.

 

”I’m fine. They checked my eyes, all that shit. Routine, I guess”

 

The fact that paramedics had a routine for public shootings was insane. Fucked up. It shouldn’t happen at all, much less often enough that they can develop one. Mickey nodded, and Ian wrapped a comforting arm around his waist, pressing a kiss to his temple.

 

Mickey leaned into the warmth, wanting nothing more than for Briana to be okay and to be in bed with Ian, happy, safe.

 

The family was about to sit down when a doctor finally - fucking finally - came down the hallway, walking up to them.

 

”Briana Milkovich’s family?”

 

”That’s us” Ian said easily.

 

”I’m her dad” Mickey spoke, voice thick, his body wanting to get rid of the breakfast he never ate in nervousness. ”Is she…”

 

The doctor looked down at his notepad and then back to Mickey.

 

”She’s stable for now. She’s going to live” A lot of relief was washed over all five of them, yet Mickey could definitely feel a strong ’ _but_ ’ coming on, and somehow he just fucking knew that it would be a bad one. ”However” Alright, his bad, apparently doctors used fancier words. ”The bullet was shattered, along with her bone…” He looked down at the notepad, reading as he spoke. ”The muscle was torn apart, and the tissue is very badly damaged. Along with that, there is a severe amount of nerve damage” He looked back up at the family.

 

Mickey frowned deeply, and Ian’s grip tightened around him, trying to somehow comfort them both best he could. The doctor was practically counting up every single part of a shoulder that Mickey knew about, saying that it was torn and shattered and whatever the fuck. His body was getting ready to throw up as he was wondering what conclusion all of this would mean. The doctor looked at Mickey, a grim look on his face.

 

”I am afraid for her to make a recovery, we are going to need to amputate Briana’s arm”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah. I'm going through with this. Somebody hold me. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are always really appreciated!! I love hearing your thoughts and theories! <3


	14. I've Been Feeling Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey blinked away a tear or two at the memory. The day that Nina had gone away forever, that was the day that he had promised himself that he would never let anything happen to his children.
> 
> Today was the day that he had failed at that task.

Mickey’s throat closed up, his head pounding as the words registered in his brain.

 

”Wha - what the fuck was that just now?” He finally managed to get out, and the doctor sighed, looking at the family with sympathetic eyes.

 

”I understand that this is a shock” He stated.

 

”No fucking shit” Brian grunted, and Lana whacked him in the side.

 

”However…” The doctor continued. ”If we do this, she will recover and she will have a long life”

 

”Without a fucking limb” Mickey exclaimed, and Ian hushed him, pulling him tighter to his side to get him to calm down ever so slightly. It worked. It always worked.

 

”Is there any other option?” Ian asked.

 

Mickey could barely hear him over the blood coursing through his veins and his heart pumping out of his ribcage. This couldn’t happen, not now. Not to them. The shooting was bad enough, now fucking this?

 

Briana had been through enough in her life, Brian too. Fuck, Yevgeny, Mandy, Himself and Lana - even Ian. They had all been through so much, they didn’t need this shit.

 

”No” The doctor shook his head. ”No, I’m afraid not. Of course since Briana is under the age of eighteen, we will need your consent” He said, turned to Mickey. ”But I have to say, this that is really just a formality at this point. We need to do this, otherwise…” He trailed off, and Mickey sighed, nodding. Ian tugged him even a little bit closer, and with his lips against his temple, he spoke lowly, so quietly that Mickey was the only one who could hear him.

 

”I’ll help you through this, baby. All of you. Everything’s gonna be okay, I promise”

 

Mickey closed his eyes, exhaling, leaning into the touch before opening his eyes to look at the doctor who was standing there with his fucking clipboard, waiting for Mickey to say something. The fact that Briana could easily have died did kind of put things in perspective. Of course there was no fucking way Mickey would ever let that happen if there was another way, so he nodded.

 

”Where do I sign?”

 

 

Once Mickey had formally agreed to let them amputate, the doctor took the pen back and walked down the hallway, leaving the entire family to slump back into the chairs. They were all quiet for the better part of ten minutes, staring straight ahead in shock.

 

Out of all the fucking possible outcomes they had imagined, this… this was just not even something they had considered.

 

”Holy fuck” Mandy was the first one to speak, and Ian hummed his agreement.

 

”How is she ever gonna get through this?” Lana asked.

 

”She’s strong” Mickey just said, but he knew exactly what she meant.

 

After all of the shit they had all been through… well, anyone and everyone had some kind of breaking point. Mickey couldn’t help but fear that this would be his daughter’s.

 

”We’ll make sure she does” Brian spoke, all of them still staring straight ahead. ”She has to. We’ll all help”

 

”Of course” Ian agreed, taking Mickey’s hand and squeezing it since they had let go of each other by now.

 

”You hear about this shit all the time…” Mandy almost whispered, something about the darkness outside making their voices hush. ’ _But you never think that it will ever be your family_. _It’s just not supposed to be possible’_. She didn’t have to say the last part, they all heard it anyway. And it was true. It was naive as fuck, but it was true.

 

Whether it’s shootings or other near death experiences, or amputations, you read and you read and you think ’ _Oh, no. That’s terrible_ ’. But you never consider the fact that it may be you someday.

 

Mickey sighed deeply, the noise somehow ripping everyone out of their shock.

 

”It’s probably gonna take a while” Lana said. ”You all just want to sit here and wait?” Ian shrugged.

 

”I don’t know” Mickey nodded in agreement.

 

”Anyone want a coffee or something?” Mandy asked.

 

Mickey was quiet, considering it. He hadn’t had anything to eat or drink today at all. Now that he knew that his daughter was at least going to live, he was starting to feel the effects of that, some of the horror in the base of his stomach being replaced by hunger.

 

”Yeah” He said softly. ”Maybe” Brian stood up.

 

”I got it”

 

Mickey vaguely registered Ian handing him his wallet, and then his son walking away down the hallway. His brain was still spinning. Briana wasn’t awake right now. She would wake up without an arm. It wasn’t like she would wake up with half of a shaved head because they had to operate on her brain or some shit - this was her arm.

 

It would never grow out, she would never be the same.

 

”Hey” Ian said softly, wrapping an arm around Mickey’s waist, pulling him closer. Mickey sighed, burying his nose in Ian’s shirt, breathing in his scent. ”It’s gonna be okay, baby. She’s gonna get through this” Mickey nodded, closing his eyes, grateful that Ian knew how much the petname calmed him down even after all these years.

 

”How the fuck did this happen?” Mickey huffed rhetorically.

 

This morning everything had been great - amazing, actually. And last night, too. Mickey had been so fucking calm, content. Happy. Then the call had disturbed them, called them into the worst nightmare that either of them had ever experienced.

 

Micky believed in Briana, he did. He believed that she could fight this, get through it, maybe even that ’ _What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger_ ’ shit would end up applying to her situation. But he also believed that that was a long time from now. When she woke up, they would be in a lighter part of hell, sure. But they would still be in hell.

 

Mickey would never ever be able to even imagine what she would go through. No one else in their family would either. No matter how much they would try to help her, Mickey was scared that it wouldn’t be enough.

 

Ian just sighed, turning his head to press a comforting kiss to his temple.

 

”Hey” Brian said, coming back down the hallway, balancing cups of coffee and a bag of what looked to be powerbars. ”It’s just from downstairs, too late to go anywhere else” Mickey nodded, accepting the coffee he was handed.

 

”Thanks, bud” Brian smiled as much as he could manage and handed off the other cups to Ian, Mandy, Lana and kept one to himself, putting the bag of snacks on the floor in between them.

 

Mickey took a large sip, feeling the hotness coat his throat on the way down to his stomach, finally realizing just how starving he actually was. They were all quiet, filling up their stomachs with coffee and a power bar each.

 

They didn’t need to say anything. They didn’t want to say anything, and even if they did, there wasn’t anything to say. All they could do now was just fucking wait, apparently. Wait for the surgeons to be done chopping his daughter’s arm off.

 

Mickey flinched at his own thoughts. It was too gruesome, he knew that wasn’t really how it went. He couldn’t decide if he was pissed at the doctors or not. He knew fully well that he had no reason what so ever to be - in fact, he should probably be thankful that she’s alive at all. But right now, he needed somebody to blame.

 

So yes, he decided. Mickey fucking hated the doctors. And this fucking hospital. He just wanted to wake up in Ian’s bed with his arms wrapped around him and realize that this all wasn’t happening. That it was just a nightmare. But it wasn’t.

 

Mickey wouldn’t wake up, and he knew that.

 

Even in the future, when Briana had hopefully learned to deal with only having one arm, this would always still with them. They would all always remember every single horrific moment, and how they felt through it.

 

They would all carry this with them - forever.

 

Mickey blinked and blinked, eyes only getting drier as the minutes ticked by. Ian took his hand back in his after a while, but Mickey was too gone to notice it too much. He thinks Mandy goes to the bathroom at some point, but he’s not sure. All he can see is a blur of different whites, and all he can hear is the blood coursing throughout his veins, the pain pulsing through his heart.

 

All he can think about is his baby girl losing her arm. Going through something incredibly traumatic even after all she has already been through.

 

 

_”Daddy, what is this place?”_

 

_Mickey sighed, picking up Briana onto his lap and smoothing down the hair on top of her head. He really needs to get better at styling that shit. It looks like a haystack._

 

_”It’s a place where people go to get better” He said, and Brian frowned, struggling to get up in the chair next to his father, but finally making it._

 

_”Why can’t they do that at home?” Mickey thumbed his bottom lip with the hand that wasn’t holding his daughter on his thighs, thinking about how he could possibly explain this to two five year olds._

 

_”Well sometimes they need some help. Special devices and pills. And they have that here” Mandy saved him. Yevgeny sat beside her, gnawing at his bottom lip, his dark blonde hair a mess._

 

_”Do they always get better?” Briana asked, and Mickey looked at Mandy over her little head, his sister frowning sadly._

 

_”No” Mickey stated. ”No, sometimes they don’t”_

 

_”Why not?” Brian asked. Mandy walked around her brother and picked her nephew up, putting him on her lap._

 

_”Sometimes they’re not supposed to. Sometimes they’re too sick to be okay again” Briana frowned, playing with the collar on Mickey’s shirt. Mandy smiled a little bit at how similar she looked to Mickey when her eyebrows furrowed like that._

 

_”Is mommy gonna be too sick and go away forever like grandpa Melvin?” Mandy fought her tears as her brother sighed, pulling his daughter closer to his chest._

 

_”Yeah. Yeah, I think so, bud”_

 

 

Mickey blinked away a tear or two at the memory. The day that Nina had gone away forever, that was the day that he had promised himself that he would never let anything happen to his children.

 

Today was the day that he had failed at that task.

 

Ian squeezed his hand, almost as if he could sense that Mickey was thinking about something too heavy. Mickey squeezed back. Mickey didn’t know how long they sat in that waiting room, all but holding their breaths, not saying a word to each other beyond ’ _You want some more coffee?_ ’ or ’ _She’s gonna be okay_ ’ or ’ _I’m just gonna head to the bathroom’_.

 

All he knew was that by the time the doctor came back down the hallway, the sun had rose and then gone to bed again, making it a fuck of a lot longer than a few hours. Mickey’s legs were too weak to stand up, so he stayed seated in the plastic chair, waiting for the doctor to say something.

 

”The reason it took so long was because we had a little complication” He started, and Mickey’s breath caught in his throat. ”However, Briana is stable, and she will be just fine now”

 

The entire family audibly breathed out, relief washing over them.

 

”When can we see her?” Brian asked, and the doctor looked down to the clipboard he was holding.

 

”Well… she’s in recovery right now, and we have her in an induced coma which we will keep for a day or two just to let it heal a little bit before she wakes up” Mickey nodded, swallowing. ”Immediate family can visit right now if you would like, not for too long, though”

 

Mickey closed his eyes for a second, letting the fact that his daughter was alive finally sink in before he opened them.

 

”You guys go” Mandy said, pushing on Brian and Mickey’s shoulders. ”We’ll all stay here” Mickey nodded, standing up on wobbly legs.

 

Ian squeezed his hand before they let go, and then Mickey and Brian followed the doctor down the hallway. Ian slumped back into his seat, breathing out heavily, finally letting himself relax every so slightly.

 

”Here she is” The doctor cracked the door open, letting them into the recovery room. ”I will give you a minute, press the red button if you need anything”

 

Mickey didn’t listen. Instead, his eyes were focused on the little girl in the small bed, so much resembling her mother. Although Mickey wasn’t straight, and hadn’t been in love with Nina, he had loved her in a platonic way. It hurt his heart so bad to see Briana this injured in the hospital, the way he had sworn he wouldn’t let her become.

 

Brian ran his hands over his face, walking over to the other side of the bed, his eyes focusing on the white bandage taped tightly around her shoulder and side, something very obviously missing. her right arm missing.

 

He closed his eyes for a second. Her right arm. Her dominant hand. That meant that not only would she have to learn to do things differently that she normally used both hands for, but she would have to learn to do _everything_ differently.

 

”Holy fuck” He sighed, his breath chopping in the way a chuckle would.

 

Mickey wasn’t strong enough to say anything. Instead, he just pulled a chair closer to the bed, sitting down. Brian did the same on his side, and then they just stayed still, their eyes focused on her face.

 

Briana didn’t look like herself. Her and Brian’s cheeks had always been really hollow, but now hers were almost extremely so. Her skin had more color than it had had back in the ambulance, but she was still pale.

 

So fucking pale. Like a ghost.

 

 

_”What is this called again?”_

 

_”A fu-ne-ral” Mandy helped her niece sound it out._

 

_”A fun-e-ral?” Briana tried, and Mandy shook her head._

 

_”No, not like it’s fun. It’s a fuuu-ne-ral”_

 

_Mickey and the boys were quiet along with Svetlana, staring straight ahead into the front of the church. Mickey’s throat was clogged up. How was he supposed to do this shit? How was he supposed to raise two kids all by himself and even begin to hope that he would be able to succeed? That they would end up good people._

 

_”Daddy?” Briana’s voice called him back to reality._

 

_”Yes, baby?”_

 

_”This is to say goodbye, right?” He nodded._

 

_”Yes”_

 

_”Then can mommy hear us? I thought she was gone?”_

 

_”Funeral is for living. To bring peace. People like to think is for dead. Is not” Svetlana stated._

 

_For once, Mickey was actually grateful for her straightforwards personality. It was true. A funeral wasn’t for the dead person, it was for the people who needed to say a formal goodbye. The people who needed closure._

 

_Briana frowned, as if she was thinking the words over._

 

_”Where is she?”_

 

_Mickey’s eyes drifted to the big casket in the front. He could try to explain the fact that her body was in there but her soul wasn’t. But ultimately, it would only confuse his daughter more._

 

_”She’s gone” Mandy saved her brother once again, catching on to the fact that he didn’t really know what to say. ”But you will always remember her” She placed her hand onto Briana’s heart. ”She’ll always be with you. Right here”_

 

 

Briana’s limp hand was in Mickey’s, and Brian was stroking her pale cheek softly, wishing that she could wake up, but he knew that if the doctors decided she needed to sleep right now, she needed to sleep. He trusted them, he had to.

 

”You think she’s ever gonna be happy again?” He asked his dad quietly. Mickey sighed.

 

”I have to” Any other possibility was just way too much to handle.

 

 

”Hey! How is she?” Mandy asked, all three of them standing up when they saw Brian and Mickey walk back up the hallway towards them. Mickey ran a hand over his face.

 

”She’s um… She just looks tired”

 

”How does it look?” Lana asked and Brian shrugged.

 

”She has a large bandage on, you can’t really see anything” Mandy nodded, and they all slowly sat down again.

 

”Look, Mickey…” His sister started, turning towards him. ”It’s been two days, she’s gonna be okay. Maybe you should go home, have a shower, get some sleep?”

 

”Fuck no, are you kidding me?” He cursed, and Ian took his hand softly.

 

”It’s late…” He spoke. ”She’s gonna live, nothing’s gonna happen. Maybe you’ll feel better” None of them had been asleep at all in the past forty eight hours, and their heads were pounding, reminding them of that. Not that any of them would admit it in a situation like this.

 

”We’ll stay here while you go” Svetlana spoke. ”You and orange boy go home. Eat. Sleep. Shower and come back. Few hours, it will be fine”

 

”Then you can come back in the morning and the three of us will go. Alright?” Mandy asked.

 

Mickey frowned, looking at her. He absolutely despised the idea of leaving his daughter at the hospital like this. But the truth of the matter was that she wouldn’t notice. She would be asleep for two more days, at least.

 

That’s what the doctor had said. And if Mandy, Lana and Brian were to stay, he wouldn’t actually _leave_ her. On top of that, he was fucking exhausted. His skin felt all grimy and his stomach was quietly growling.

 

”Fine” He finally sighed, nodding and standing up, bringing Ian with him since their hands were braided together. ”Only a few hours”

 

 

Being out of the hospital felt incredible. The cold - well, cold to be Miami, at least - air hit Mickey’s skin and he felt as if he could breathe a little bit easier as they crossed the dark parking lot to reach Ian’s car.

 

Their hands were still intertwined as Ian drove. Mickey’s mind drifted in and out of the car, praying to fucking god that Briana would be as okay as she possibly could be. A part of him realized that this without doubt would be harder than actually losing her. But that - _of course_ \- didn’t by any means mean that he rather would have wanted that.

 

It just meant that he was forced to acknowledge the fact that someone losing a limb had to be one of the hardest things to go through, both for that person and for the family.

 

Mickey would do his absolute best to help Briana in any way that he could. He just wished he could figure out how exactly he needed to do that. Ian squeezed his hand, bringing him back to the safety of his car.

 

Mickey squeezed back.

 

 

As soon as they entered the house, they toed off their shoes, and Ian placed a kiss to Mickey’s hair.

 

”Go up and take a shower. I’ll make something to eat, alright?” Mickey nodded absentmindedly, swallowing as he took the stairs, one step at a time, forcing himself not to look at Briana’s bedroom door.

 

Even if she was alive, it was painful. Too painful.

 

Ian stayed at the bottom of the stairs until Mickey had disappeared into his room. Then he ran a hand through his long hair and over his face, feeling the beard getting a little bit longer than he liked it after two days of not shaving. He’d tackle that another day, though.

 

Right now, he made his way through the hallway and into the kitchen, opening the fridge to search for something easy that could fill their stomachs for now. He found a can of tomato soup, ready to be heated up along with a loaf of bread.

 

Deciding that that would have to do, he grabbed the clean pot that was already standing on the stove and turned it on before pouring the food in. Right as it finally started bubbling, Mickey came down the stairs dressed in a t shirt and boxers, his wet hair dripping.

 

”Hey” Ian said softly, enveloping him in his arms. Mickey closed his eyes, returning the hug, feeling Ian’s heat and scent calm him down a little bit further. Ian buried his nose in Mickey’s hair, ignoring the fact that it was still wet. ”I love you” He whispered, aware that Mickey needed to hear it.

 

Mickey squeezed him a little bit tighter, showing his appreciation of the words before they finally let go of each other, Ian pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

 

They ate in comfortable silence by the kitchen island, their free hands braided together for safety.

 

When they had finished, Mickey dropped his spoon into the bowl with a cling before running a hand over his hair. Ian pushed the bowls out of the way and ran his thumb over Mickey’s inked knuckles.

 

”What are you thinking?” He asked softly, and Mickey sighed, shaking his head before looking up, their eyes connected.

 

”This doesn’t feel right. I shouldn't be here fucking eating soup when she’s in there…” He trailed off, swallowing down the nausea welling up.

 

”Hey” Ian said, grabbing both of Mickey’s hands, enclosing them in between his own. ”There is nothing you can do for her right now, alright?” Mickey looked down at their hands. ”Listen to me, are you listening?”

 

”Yes” Mickey nodded, looking up into Ian’s eyes again. ”I’m listening”

 

”There is nothing you can do for her right now” Ian stated again. ”It’s important to take care of yourself, Mickey. Otherwise you won’t have any strength to take care of her when she comes home, alright? Let yourself breathe” Mickey nodded, trying his best to crack a small smile. Ian returned it. ”Come on” Ian said then, letting go of Mickey’s hands and walking into the living room.

 

Mickey stayed by the table for a second before standing up, putting the bowls into the sink and then following. He made it into the living room right as Ian plugged his phone into the speakers.

 

”The fuck are you doing?” Ian just looked at him and then back at his phone with a smile. Within seconds, music was pouring out of the speakers.

 

”Come here” Ian said, putting the device down, reaching an arm forwards. Mickey gnawed on his bottom lip.

 

_Settle down with me. Cover me up, cuddle me in._

 

It’s was tempting to agree, but still.

 

”I’m not fucking dancing with you, Gallagher” Mickey stated.

 

”Fine, don’t dance. Just come here” He raised his eyebrows, and Mickey sighed, taking the four steps forwards until he was wrapped up in Ian’s arms.

 

He returned the hug instantly, leaning his ear against Ian’s shoulder. Ian dipped his head, his cheek ending up pressed against Mickey’s hair as he started slowly swaying them anyway, the asshole.

 

Mickey couldn’t say he minded, though. It actually felt kind of nice, soft. Calm. Maybe even like he was safe for the moment being.

 

_Lie down with me. And hold me, in your arms._

 

Mickey swallowed, tightening his grip around Ian’s waist. Ian did the same. They stayed there for a while, not really doing anything, just gently moving from side to side, drinking in the feeling of being this close.

 

The feeling of safety, the feeling of home. Mickey’s eyes were closed as he pressed a kiss to Ian’s neck. Not really anything sexual, just a soft, warm, appreciative kiss. Ian hummed at the feeling.

 

”You smell good” Mickey mumbled, and Ian let out a low chuckle, burying his nose in the black hair.

 

”You too” Mickey sighed, lifting his head to look into Ian’s eyes.

 

”How are you?” He wondered.

 

”I think I’m the one who’s supposed to ask you that question” Ian stated, raising his eyebrows. Mickey shrugged.

 

”I’ve been so fucking caught up in everything with Briana, I just… it can’t be easy to see someone so young, um…” Ian shook his head, clearing his throat as he slipped a hand up from around Mickey’s waist to place it against his cheek softly. Mickey leaned into the touch, blue eyes deep into green.

 

”’Course not” Ian stated. ”But this isn’t about me. I’m sure it affected me in some way, but I’ll calm down and figure that out once Briana is home and safe, alright? If I need to go see a shrink or something about that, I’ll do it then. Right now, this is about Briana” Mickey frowned.

 

”I don’t think it works that way”

 

”I’ll make sure it does” Ian said half jokingly, and Mickey chuckled, leaning their foreheads together. ”You don’t have to worry about that. Especially not right now” Mickey sighed at the words.

 

”You’re the love of my life, babe. Of course I fucking worry about you” Ian’s stomach warmed up, and he smiled slightly. Mickey sighed, eyes flickering down to Ian’s lips and then up again.

 

Ian’s eyes were warm, kind, his lips parted ever so slightly.

 

Mickey swallowed, and then finally just went for it, closing his eyes, leaning in and covering Ian’s lips with his own. He had remembered a lot of things about being with Ian, but this - kissing, being this extremely close to him - he hadn’t quite remembered how good that felt until just now.

 

The buzzing in his stomach was a constant whenever he was around Ian, but now it was intensified by a thousand. His head was pounding at the feeling, in a good way. In the best way. Fuck, he loved this man. It wasn’t a deep kiss, no tongue, no pulling away and going in for more, their mouths weren’t too open.

 

Mickey’s bottom lip was slipped in between Ian’s every so slightly, and they stayed like that, drinking in the feeling of finally - _fucking finally_ \- kissing again.

 

Mickey’s hands were on Ian’s back, slipped underneath his shirt to feel the warmth on his palms. Ian’s hand was still against Mickey’s cheek, his thumb softly running over his cheek.

 

Their nerve endings were on fire, reminding them of why they would never ever be able to find this with anybody else. They were Ian and Mickey. Nobody else could be Mickey’s Ian and nobody else could be Ian’s Mickey. It was the two of them, together.

 

There was just no other possibility.

 

Finally, Mickey pulled away, tired of standing on his toes.

 

”Fuck” He breathed, eyes still closed as their foreheads fell together again.

 

”I fucking love you” Ian promised, and Mickey let out a breathless chuckle before leaning in again. To his surprise, Ian stopped him. ”No”

 

”What?” Mickey asked, voice weak as he leaned away a bit, eyes looking up into Ian’s.

 

”Look, it’s not that I don’t want to, alright? I do. It’s just… it’s been a long couple of days, you haven’t slept… I don’t want you to do anything you regret” Ian explained.

 

”I’m not some fucking virgin chick on prom night, Gallagher” Mickey stated, and Ian nodded, his eyes deep into Mickey’s.

 

”I know, I know. It’s just… kissing is a big deal to you, Mick. I know that. And there’s a reason why you wanted to stay away from it for a while. I just… maybe it’s not a good idea to start tonight” Mickey - if possible - just fell even deeper in love with Ian at those words.

 

”Ian…?” He asked, unwrapping an arm from around his waist to bring it up to the side of his neck. Ian hummed, leaning into the touch as he took his hand away from his cheek, putting it back around his body. ”As fucking hard as these days have been, you know what I realized?” Ian frowned, shaking his head slightly, waiting for the answer. ”I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here”

 

The look on Ian’s face softened further, and he sighed, leaning their foreheads together again. Mickey swallowed.

 

”So I don’t wanna wait. Alright? There’s no fucking point” Ian smiled down at him warmly, unwrapping both of his arms from around his waist to place them against his cheeks, cradling his face and bringing him up for a kiss.

 

Mickey sighed into it, letting himself forget about all of the other shit going on, if only for a second or two. The fire started up in the base of his gut again, every inch of his skin tingling. His body responded to Ian’s touch just like it had twenty years ago, and just like he guessed it always would.

 

The kiss was still soft, and there were no tongues involved. Yet it was deeper this time, more secure. A promise that no matter what happened, it would happen with them together, and they would get each other through it.

 

Mickey pulled away for a second to go in for more, tasting Ian’s lips, getting drunk on the feeling of having Ian this close, having his lips slipped in between his own again, finally.

 

”Ian?” Mickey asked when they had eventually pulled apart. His eyes were still half closed as Ian hummed in response. ”I’m really fucking tired”

 

Ian chuckled lowly once or twice before nodding.

 

”Come on, let’s get some sleep, alright?”

 

When they made it into Mickey’s room, Ian took his pants off and laid back onto the bed, opening his arms for Mickey to climb in with him. Mickey did so, sighing contently as Ian’s strong arms wrapped around his currently fragile frame.

 

”We’re all gonna be okay, baby” Ian whispered, lips against his hair as Mickey’s nose was pressed into his neck, the familiar scent doing an amazing job at calming him down further. ”I love you”

 

Mickey smiled lazily at the words whispered into the room as sleep slowly took him over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope I'm making this as realistic as possible! Comments are always really, really welcome. I love hearing your thoughts and theories, just as always!! 
> 
> <3


	15. Wake Up (Look Me In The Eyes Again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”Good to have you home, bro” Yevgeny let out a sad chuckle.
> 
> ”I’d like it to be under other circumstances, but yeah - good to be home”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been at this since ten o'clock this morning without a break - it's currently four pm. I have also consumed way more coffee than what should really be physically possible, all so that I could have this up for you today, so - APPRECIATE.

”Hey” Mickey groaned, weakly batting at the hand shaking his body. ”Wake up, Mick” The movements of his body continued, and finally, he had no choice but to crack his eyes open, focusing in on Ian, bent over the bed, looking down at him. ”Morning” He said, softer now that Mickey was awake. ”It’s eight. I figured you’d want to get to the hospital pretty early”

 

Mickey sighed deeply, finally waking up properly once he realized that what had happened wasn’t a figment of his imagination, a nightmare. It was very, very real. Ian smiled down at him softly, and Mickey blinked back.

 

”You want me to make you something to eat? A sandwich? You can eat it on the way” Ian asked, and Mickey thought about it for a second.

 

Usually, he would hate this - he would yell at Ian for babying him, but right now, he couldn’t help but feel like maybe it was what he needed. Someone to care for him as if he wasn’t a fully functioning man pushing forty. Mickey swallowed, blue eyes on green as he nodded weakly a couple of times.

 

”Yeah. Thanks” Ian dropped a tender kiss to his forehead before turning around and walking out of the room, leaving Mickey alone to stare up into the ceiling, his mind wandering.

 

His body felt heavy. Heavy in a way that it hadn’t felt in years. Not since… Well, not since Svetlana got pregnant with Yevgeny and all of that mess went down. That was the last time somebody he really, truly loved with all of his heart beyond his own comprehension had gotten hurt. Mickey couldn’t stop himself from picturing Briana on that skinny hospital bed, her cheeks hollowed, skin pale.

 

He hadn’t looked to closely at her side where her arm was missing, but he guessed that it wouldn’t be too pretty when the bandage would come off. They would all get through this, there was not a doubt in his mind about that. They didn’t have another choice. But that didn’t mean that he wasn’t bracing himself for the inevitable pain and suffering they would endure along the way that would lead them to overcome it.

 

Right now, with Briana in the hospital asleep, it was as if Mickey allowed himself to breathe for a second. But at the same time, it was as if he was scrunching his face up, closing his eyes, bracing himself like the very few second right before a car crash.

 

He knew he was okay now, they were okay now - considering, at least. But as soon those brown eyes were open for the world to see again, they would be in hell. Briana would be in hell. Fuck, she still had no idea how bad this was, she was in an induced coma, blissfully unaware of what struggles would be waiting for her when she woke up.

 

Mickey sighed deeply, closing his eyes, running his hands over his face, trying to rub some of the sleep out of his dry skin. Trying to get rid of some of the worry. It didn’t work.

 

Because despite the fact that he now knew that his children were alive, and as okay as they could be at the moment, now there were other things he was worried about. He had never even seen an amputee outside of a newspaper, much less helped somebody through losing a limb.

 

How was he supposed to do this? How was he supposed to make sure that Briana would be okay when… when he wasn’t okay?

 

Mickey sighed again. There was only one option. Only one even slightly possible thing he could do. He had to force himself to be okay.

 

Eventually, he managed to force himself out of bed, yesterday’s jeans being pulled back onto his lower body. He kept the shirt, too lazy to look for another one. He changed it after the shower he had last night, anyway.

 

When Mickey was dressed, he ran a hand over his hair, walking out of his bedroom and down the stairs to join his boyfriend in the kitchen. Ian was standing by the kitchen island, pouring coffee into two travel mugs.

 

Mickey almost smiled at the fact that he didn’t have to say that he wanted to get to the hospital as fast as possible. Ian just knew. Mickey frowned when his eyes traveled from Ian’s head to his body.

 

”Are you wearing my fucking shirt?” The thin, gray fabric stretched across Ian’s abs in a way that it never would on Mickey - mostly because it was actually the right size when it was on Mickey’s body.

 

”What? - Yeah” Ian shrugged, putting the coffee pot back into the maker before screwing the tops onto the mugs. ”I didn’t want to spend any time going home and I had worn mine for the past three days, so I figured…” He trailed off with another shrug, and a small smile appeared on Mickey’s mouth.

 

”Looks good” He mumbled. Had it been any other situation, he probably would have murmured ’ _Looks fucking sexy_ ’ and walked up to him, probably engaging in a pretty heavy makeout session and maybe even going further. Now was really not the fucking time, though. Ian smiled back at him, handing him one of the travel mugs along with a wrapped sandwich.

 

”You ready to go?” Mickey nodded, walking up to him and getting up on his toes to press a kiss to his lips.

 

Ian leaned into it, closing his eyes. It wasn’t a wet or passionate kiss, because just like the flirting, now was not the time. It was just Mickey’s bottom lip, slipping in between Ian’s for a quick, soft kiss that they both needed.

 

Ian sighed contentedly when they pulled apart, pressing another one to his forehead.

 

”Let’s go”

 

 

On the way to the hospital, Mickey ate his sandwich almost as fast as he could just to have it over with.

 

He had to admit, eating wasn’t really on his radar at the moment, but neither was sleeping or showering and they were all things he had to do. Ian had been absolutely right about what he had said last night.

 

If Mickey didn’t take care of himself, then there was no possible way that he would ever be able to take care of Briana when she came home. With that thought, he swallowed the last piece of food and went over to taking huge gulps of the coffee, ignoring the way the heat stung all the way down to his stomach.

 

When Ian parked the car by the hospital, they didn’t say anything. Instead, Ian just gave him a warm, comforting smile, and they got out of the car, walking towards the doors of horror. Mickey swallowed as they made their way up to the waiting room.

 

What if something had happened? What if Mandy hadn’t been able to get a hold of them for some reason? What if Mickey had missed a text of hers? What if Briana had died during the night? What if -

 

”Dad!” Mickey turned his head, looking to where the voice was coming from. Yevgeny had been sitting with Mandy, Lana and Brian by one of the tables, but now he stood up, walking over to Mickey.

 

”Fuck” Mickey cursed, accepting the hug from his abnormally tall son.

 

He was probably almost a head taller than Ian by now. How that had happened, Mickey didn’t know, but it made him feel like a fucking minion. He was dressed in black skinny jeans and a leather jacket, his gray tank top showing underneath.

 

His dark blonde hair was shaved at the sides, the slight curls hanging looking as if they hadn’t been washed in a day or two. His arms were tightly wrapped around his father’s frame, Mickey returning the embrace just as tightly.

 

Brian, Mandy and Lana had stood up by now, walking over to them. Ian was watching the reunion with a smile on his face. His throat couldn’t help but feel a little bit clogged up at the thought that this boy - fuck, man, now - had all but been his son once upon a time.

 

Finally, after almost a full minute, Mickey and Yev let go of each other, both pairs of eyes damp. Yevgeny turned his body a little bit to look at Ian, trying to remember this man that had once upon a time apparently been his father.

 

Well, almost at least.

 

Mickey had never really talked a lot about the time before he was born - or before they moved to Miami, for that matter. But he had heard a story or two, of course he had. Mostly from his mother.

 

 _’Your father was very in love with orange boy’_ She had said. _’Orange boy took care of you. He was good man’ ’You loved orange boy’ ’Orange boy was more your father than Mickey’_

 

Yevgeny had a feeling that the whole ’ _Orange boy_ ’ thing had gone from being an insult to a habit to a joke and then back again a few times over. He wished that he could remember this man that had apparently been such a big part of his life once upon a time, but he couldn’t.

 

When he looked at Ian’s face, well maybe, somewhere in the very backroom of his brain something rung - but at the same time, not really.

 

”Yev, this is Ian” Mickey finally said, and Yevgeny nodded.

 

”Yeah, I know. Brian filled me in on everything going on” He spoke, looking to his father and then back to Ian again. ”I don’t really remember you. Sorry” Ian shrugged, a steady smile on his mouth.

 

”It’s okay, you were a baby” He assured Yevgeny, reaching a hand forwards. Yev interlocked it with his, bringing him in for a quick bro hug. Ian was surprised, but returned it for a second before they let go.

 

”So is this official yet or…?” Mandy asked, raising her eyebrows and gesturing between Ian and Mickey.

 

Brian, Yevgeny and Lana raised their eyebrows as well, waiting for an answer. Ian was quiet, not wanting to push Mickey into telling them anything. Mickey just took Ian’s hand, though, nodding.

 

”Yeah. Yeah, we’re back together” He assured them.

 

”I fucking knew it!” Mandy said, and Ian chuckled lowly before becoming all serious again.

 

”How is she?”

 

”They lightened the meds” Brian said. ”She should wake up sometime in the next twenty four hours”

 

”Oh, fuck. That’s fucking great news” Mickey said, feeling as if a part of the weight on his chest chipped and fell off. ”Did you go see her yet, bud?” He asked his oldest son, then, who nodded.

 

”Yeah. A couple of hours ago when I got in” Yevgeny informed him.

 

”Well…” Mandy said then. ”I figure the three of us should probably go home for a while now that you’re back. Take a nap, get some food” Ian nodded.

 

”We’ll call you if anything changes” He assured them.

 

Yevgeny, Mickey and Ian all got hugs from the other three, and then they were gone, walking towards the elevators.

 

”You had anything to eat since you got here?” Mickey asked his son when they were gone, and he shook his head.

 

”No, it’s been too crazy. I’m gonna go get a power bar from vending machine, you guys want anything?”

 

”I’m good, thanks” Ian said.

 

”Me too, thanks, bud” Yevgeny shot them a small, soft smile before he walked off as well, leaving Ian and Mickey alone in the waiting room. Well, out of the people that they knew, at least.

 

”You alright? Considering?” Ian asked his boyfriend, who nodded.

 

”I’m fine. Promise” He spoke, only hesitating for about a second before taking a step forwards and wrapping his arms around his waist, craving the comforting warmth. Ian wrapped his arms around his shoulders, resting his chin on top of his head, feeling their breaths sync up.

 

 

”So how long have you guys been back together?” Yevgeny asked the couple about an hour later when they were all sitting by one of the tables, all drinking that horrible hospital coffee that made them have to fight their gag reflexes.

 

”Officially?” Mickey asked. ”Couple days” Yevgeny raised his eyebrows, looking to Ian.

 

”Brian made it seem like it’s been a lot longer” Ian let out a tired chuckle.

 

”It’s been… complicated” Yev nodded before looking back to his father.

 

”I’m happy for you, dad” Yevgeny obviously couldn’t determine whether Mickey was happy or not in a situation like this - none of them were even remotely so. But as far as his new-old relationship went, he did seem happy. And Ian seemed great so far.

 

”Thanks. Sorry you didn’t hear it from me” Yevgeny shrugged, taking another sip of the coffee, wincing at the horrible taste as he did so.

 

”I’m a big boy, dad. It’s fine” Mickey nodded as Yevgeny started gnawing at his bottom lip, his eyes drifting from Ian to his father and then back again, wondering if he should ask or not.

 

Fuck, he wasn’t even sure he wanted to know. A part of him knew that he wouldn’t be able to relax until he did, though. So he took a deep breath and spit the question out, eyes on his tattooed hands, toying with his thumb rings.

 

”What exactly happened?” Brian had told him a ton about Ian and Mickey, but not so much about the actual shooting. Yevgeny was glad. They had both wanted to stay away from the topic at the time, but now he had to know. Ian swallowed, and Mickey ran a hand over his mouth.

 

”How much do you know?” Mickey asked.

 

”Just…” Yevgeny shrugged. ”I know about the shooter and that Brian was a hostage, but… how did she get out?” Mickey looked to his partner.

 

”I was in there” Ian started, sparing Yevgeny the details of what an idiotic and dick move it really had been. ”I found her in the library, we stayed there for um… until she passed out… then I got her out” He explained, sensing that Yevgeny only wanted the base and not details, god knows Ian wouldn’t have, had it been the other way around. He wasn’t sure he would have been able to handle it.

 

Yevgeny nodded a couple of times.

 

His sister’s face was imprinted in his brain. He hadn’t seen her in months, and this was what he came back to. Her skinny frame laying on top of a skinny hospital bed, her cheeks sunken in, even more than his own, which was saying a lot.

 

People had always said he looked like a cancer patient because of his facial shape. His cheeks had just never really filled out, despite the fact that he wasn’t really too skinny. Briana’s skin had almost been green, pale, a sickly color that he never ever wanted to see again.

 

He hadn’t really been brave enough to look at her side where the bandage was sitting. He was all ready to thank god that that side had been the one away from the door.

 

 

The doctor came walking down the hallway a few hours later, right when Mandy, Lana and Brian had arrived back at the hospital, a little bit more energy coursing through their veins.

 

”Briana is awake now” He informed them with a warm smile. Mickey relaxed back into his chair, just now realizing how tense he had actually been.

 

”Can we see her?” Yevgeny asked, and the doctor nodded.

 

”Only immediate family right now, but she has asked me to only get her father to begin with. That’s you, right?” He turned to Mickey, who stood up, nodding.

 

”Yeah” ”We’ll stay here” Brian said.

 

”Take your time” Mickey nodded, and then followed the doctor back down the hallway.

 

Yevgeny relaxed back into the insanely uncomfortable plastic chair and leaned his head back, sighing loudly. Now that he was sure his baby sister would really be okay, the stress he had gone through was really starting to catch up with him.

 

He hadn’t been able to sleep much on the plane at all, he had been too worried. Too afraid he would be coming home to attend a funeral instead of helping Briana get better. All four of them relaxed for a moment before Brian stood up and whacked Yev’s knee, making him frown and look up at his little brother.

 

”Bro, can we…?” Brian asked, nodding his head towards the elevators, indicating that he wanted to speak to him in private. Yevgeny nodded, standing up.

 

”Yeah, man. ’Course” He agreed, standing up and following his brother down the hallway, to the elevators and then down a couple of levels. They found a quiet spot by one of the smaller vending machines and sat down on the floor, leaning against a wall.

 

”What’s up?” Yevgeny asked after a beat of silence. Brian shrugged.

 

”Just wanted to catch up with you some more, man. Been a while” He explained, and Yevgeny nodded.

 

Even though they talked up to four times a week, they both had their own shit going on, and their phone conversations rarely went beyond; ’ _Hey bro, how’s it going?_ ’ ’ _Good, man. You?’ ’Yeah, me too_ ’. It wasn’t that they didn’t want to go deeper, they did when they were face to face. Normally, they just didn’t feel like it over the phone.

 

”You doing okay?” Yevgeny asked Brian, fully aware of how scary it must have been to go through what he did. Brian shrugged.

 

”Fine, I guess… I haven’t really had a lot of time to think about it, you know?” Yev nodded again. ”What about you? How’s that professor who was harassing all of you?” Yevgeny chuckled dryly.

 

”Harassing might be too harsh. He was just a jackass. Eh, he doesn’t teach our class anymore, so that’s pretty sweet”

 

”He get fired?” Brian asked, but his brother shook his head.

 

”Nah, he just got transferred. Sucks for those students but good for us, I guess” Brian nodded, just now realizing how much he had really missed having these simple conversations with his brother.

 

They had always been close, being that they were the only guys in the family except for their father. Just like Mandy, Lana and Briana had always been close, too.

 

”Yev?” Brian asked after another beat of silence.

 

”Yeah?” Yevgeny answered, both boys looking straight ahead at the wall ahead of them, their heads leaned back against the one behind them.

 

”You think she’s ever gonna be the same?” Yevgeny sighed, shaking his head slightly.

 

”No” He spoke. ”But she’s gonna be happy. We’ll all help make sure, Bri”

 

 

Mickey held his breath as the doctor led him back to his daughter’s room.

 

”She’s still a little bit groggy, so be prepared for that. It’s necessary to make sure her shoulder doesn’t hurt too much” He informed Mickey, who nodded. The doctor cracked the door open, and told him to press the red button if he needed anything, just like the last time.

 

Then he left, leaving Mickey alone to walk over to his daughter. She had her head turned away from the door, looking out the window.

 

”Hey” He said softly, making her turn her head to him.

 

Mickey frowned at how broken she looked. How little. Her face was still sunken in, and she didn’t look too different from how she had the last time he had seen her, only this time, her tired eyes were open, a steady tear trailing down her cheek.

 

”Dad?” Mickey fought his own tears at her husky voice, and pulled a chair close to her bed, taking her hand in his.

 

”Hey, baby” He spoke as softly and as quietly as he could manage.

 

”It…" She swallowed. "...hurts” Mickey nodded, cupping her hand between both of his, bringing it up to his mouth and pressing a kiss to the back of hers.

 

”I know” He said. ”I’m so sorry this happened”

 

Briana’s bottom lip was trembling, and it took every ounce of strength in Mickey’s body not to let his own tears fall. He knew that that was not something his daughter needed right now. She needed him to be strong, show her that everything would be okay. So that was just what he was going to do.

 

”How am…” She started, and Mickey frowned, waiting for her to gather enough strength to continue. ”How am I gonna…?”

 

She didn’t need to say any more than that. Mickey knew what she meant. _’How am I gonna survive this?’ ’How am I gonna get through this?’ ’How am I ever gonna be able to be myself again?’ ’How am I ever gonna be able to be happy again?’_

 

”We’re gonna help you, baby. All of us. I promise”

 

 

”You think it hurts?” Mandy asked. Ian shrugged and Svetlana sighed.

 

”Maybe. I hope not” Lana spoke, and Mandy and Ian nodded.

 

Mandy couldn’t even begin to imagine what it was like losing a limb, but she had to assume that it wasn’t painless, even on strong painkillers. If she could switch positions with Briana, she would. In a fucking heartbeat. She loved her niece so fucking much, she’d do anything to take the pain away. The struggle. Being a teenage girl was hard enough without having to go through shit like this.

 

”How the fuck did this even happen?” Yevgeny asked, him and Brian taking their chairs again. It was a rhetorical question, of course.

 

They all knew the answer, and yet, none of them did. They knew the basic answer; A bullied student had taken a gun to school. But that wasn’t really the answer. The real answer was one that nobody would ever really be able to get a hold of.

 

How did this darkness find people? How could someone feel so bad about themselves that they felt the need to ruin other people’s lives? Why was it Briana who ended up this terribly injured? Why did it happen on Monday? Why wasn’t it Tuesday? Why wasn’t it Wednesday or Friday? There were so many small questions wrapped all up into one big one; Why?

 

And they would never be able to find the answer.

 

”I love you, daddy” Mickey’s heart cracked even further at the soft sound. Briana hadn’t called him ’ _Daddy_ ’ since she was surely eleven years old, and even then she had only done it when he felt really, really vulnerable or broken.

 

”I love you, too, buddy” He assured her, pressing another kiss to her hand. ”So much” He closed his eyes for a second.

 

”Am I gonna get a - a prosthetic?” Briana’s question caught him a little bit off guard, he had figured they could deal with those question marks later, but he nodded.

 

”Of course. If you want one” He nodded.

 

Personally, if Mickey had been in her position, he was pretty sure that he would only think that it would be in the way, but if Briana wanted a fake arm, he’d get her the best fucking one he could find.

 

”Brian here?” She asked then, and Mickey nodded.

 

”You wanna see him?” Briana nodded, and he stood up, bending over the bed to press a kiss to her forehead before walking towards the door. He turned around in the doorway. ”Yev’s here, too. You wanna see them both?” Briana swallowed, and then nodded weakly.

 

Once Mickey’s sons disappeared down the hallway towards their sister’s hospital room, he relaxed back into the plastic chair, Ian’s arm wrapped around his shoulders.

 

”Hey, baby. How is she?” Ian asked, lips against the black hair. Mickey shrugged.

 

”As good as she can be, I guess” He felt Ian nod, his eyes focused on the white wall a few meters ahead of him.

 

Mickey’s mind drifted in and out. How was he supposed to do this? Fuck, he had barely been able to help the twins get through losing their mother when they were five. How the fuck was he supposed to be able to help Briana through losing her fucking arm?

 

Mickey sighed deeply, leaning his head onto Ian’s shoulder and closing his eyes, deciding to shut his brain off as good as he could for the moment being.

 

”Hey” Briana greeted weakly when her brothers entered the room.

 

”Hey, Bri” Brian spoke lowly, walking around the bed, placing himself into the chair as Yevgeny took the one on the side closest to the door, grabbing her hand softly.

 

”How are you doing?” She shrugged weakly, moving her eyes from Brian to Yevgeny, squeezing his hand slightly.

 

”Considering? Good. I guess” She assured them, her voice so quiet that they barely heard her. ”Good to have you home, bro” Yevgeny let out a sad chuckle.

 

”I’d like it to be under other circumstances, but yeah - good to be home”

 

They smiled at each other for a second before Briana rolled her head again, looking at her twin.

 

”Are you hurt?” Brian shook his head a couple of times, giving her a soft smile to calm her down.

 

”I’m completely fine, Bri” Briana nodded weakly, her eyes falling closed for a second before looking back to her older brother.

 

”How’s school?” Yevgeny sighed.

 

Of course he didn’t feel like how he was doing in school was an important subject at the moment, but he knew his sister well enough to know that right now, she needed to hear about it. She needed to ear about his annoying math professor, she needed to hear about that annoying guy in biology class who always borrowed his pencils and never gave them back. His sister needed to hear about anything and everything that could even be considered normal.

 

So Yevgeny spoke.

 

He told his siblings everything.

 

He told them about the girl who had rejected him, he told them about his annoying ass english professor who was always on them about not missing a single class. He told them about the girl who always sat beside him, chewing her fucking gum and popping it too loudly.

 

He told them about his study group and how he was convinced that they were stealing every single one of his erasers.

 

They laughed about how his bag had broken in the middle of campus, and how he had only had two minutes to clean everything up. They rolled their eyes at how straight up mean that one professor had always been, and they shrugged at how he had been hung up on that one girl for months, but wasn’t sure if he liked this new one better.

 

He talked and he talked and he talked while Brian and Briana reacted. Briana smiled as much as she could manage, enjoying the presence of the only two people who could probably get her to do so at the moment.

 

When Brian and Yevgeny finally exited the room, Mickey took their place and they relaxed back into the hard, plastic chair, ready to dream about their couch back home. Brian leaned his head back, closing his eyes for a second, wishing that he could teleport back home, take a nap, and then snap himself back here again, just like that.

 

Alas, that was sadly impossible, so he settled for trying to relax as best as he could in the blue chair. The others did the same.

 

”Excuse me?” Brian lifted his head to look where the voice was coming from. Giggles was standing a few feet away into the hallway, a small teddy bear in his hands. Brian stood up and walked over to him.

 

”Hey, what are you doing here, man?” Giggles shrugged.

 

”Well, I don’t know your sister, or you, really, but I heard what happened and that she was awake now, so I figured I should at least stop by” He said, and Brian smiled at him, nodding.

 

”That’s really kind. She’s only allowed immediate family so far, but I’ll make sure she gets this” He spoke, accepting the small stuffed animal. Giggles smiled back at him.

 

”Thanks” He nodded.

 

Brian thumbed his bottom lip - a habit he, along with both of his siblings had picked up from their father. It was embarrassing as fuck, but if he wanted to know, he had to ask, so he took a deep breath and opened his mouth.

 

”Hey, um… I don’t remember your name” They had worked together on that project, so he should know, but he didn’t, and he felt like a complete asshole. Giggles just chuckled lowly, though - how fucking contradictve was that, by the way?

 

”It’s Cole” Brian nodded.

 

”I’m really sorry” He said, eyes on Gigg - Cole’s.

 

”It’s cool. Besides, I like Giggles better anyway” Brian snorted.

 

”No, you don’t. No one would” Cole let out another chuckle.

 

”Yeah, man. You’re right. I don’t” They laughed for a bit longer before they quieted down. For some reason, Brian had a hard time to keep his eyes on Cole’s and not let them wander downwards, to where his dark skin stretched across the soft shapes of his muscles.

 

”How is she?” Cole asked then. Brian shrugged.

 

”She’s good. I mean - considering, I guess. She’s talking. She laughed at a couple of our brother’s stories, so I think she’s gonna be okay. Eventually” Cole nodded.

 

”That’s really good to hear” Brian nodded, a soft smile on his lips. ”Well, I should get going” Cole said then, nodding back to the way he came. ”I just figured I should drop by, make sure everything was okay”

 

”That’s really nice of you. Thanks” Brian assured him again. ”See you back at school… whenever?”

 

”Yeah, yeah” Cole said, turning around to walk away. ”Bye”

 

”Bye” Brian said back, watching him walk down the hallway, still blissfully unaware of what the buzzing in the pit of his stomach meant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even joking about the coffee, by the way. Pretty sure I had like seven huge cups within the span of four hours. 
> 
> Comments are - as always - incredibly appreciated. *Turns into Puss in boots from Shrek*
> 
> (And yes; a bro hug is an actual type of hug)


	16. Heal These Scars (Somehow)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had been so fucking lucky to find Mickey when he had only been sixteen, and he had been so fucking lucky to run into him again that day. 
> 
> So there was no fucking way he was ever letting him go again, he would hold on to that man. If he didn’t… he didn’t even want to think about what his life would look like without Mickey in it anymore. He couldn’t.

A little over two weeks later, Briana was sitting in a chair in the checkup room, the doctor using one of those small, annoying ass flashlights to make sure everything was as it should be.

 

Mickey was standing about a meter from her, arms crossed, frowning, still not quite able to get over how this shit even could have happened to begin with. The past weeks had all been the same. Ian, Yevgeny and Mickey would leave to go home and sleep and shower, maybe eat. Then when they came back to the hospital, Brian, Lana and Mandy would go.

 

Then they would all be at the hospital for a while, and then do it all over again. A couple of people had come to visit Briana including one of her teachers, Lena and some other friend of hers that Mickey hadn’t bothered to remember the name of.

 

The pounding in Briana’s shoulder was a constant, and sometimes it was as if she could feel her right arm, even though it was long gone. She vaguely remembered reading about phantom pain a couple of years ago, but she had just skimmed through it, of course not thinking about the fact that she would have to experience it one day.

 

She assumed that the pain wasn’t as bad as it could be, though, minimized by all of the meds they had her on. It was like a really bad headache. It hurt, but it wasn’t to the point where she felt the need to scream about it.

 

”Are you dizzy?” Briana shook her head.

 

She didn’t see the point of all of these questions. They asked her the same ones every single day. _’Are you dizzy?’ ’Is your mouth dry?’ ’How bad does it hurt?’_ And every single day, she answered with the same thing. _’No’ ’Little bit’ ’Pretty bad’_

 

Alas, she didn’t complain because she knew that the doctors and nurses were doing nothing but their job. Fuck, if they didn’t, she probably wouldn’t even be alive. However, the couple of days after she had woken up, she had felt fine. Sad, confused, sure.

 

But she had laughed with Brian and Yev. She had spoken to Mickey, and her trains of thought hadn’t been too depressing. After a week had passed, though, slowly but surely she could feel herself slipping away.

 

As if she was coming out of a daze. A haze of shock only to finally realize that no - this wasn’t a nightmare. This wasn’t something that felt like hell now but would eventually go back to normal - this was the new normal.

 

Briana had lost her right arm, there were no two ways about that and she couldn’t change it. Everything she thought she knew, it was gone. Fuck, she was almost eighteen and her older brother had to prepare her toothbrush for her.

 

So she had quieted down. Not on purpose, just… because she was overwhelmed. She didn’t talk much, she didn’t laugh, she didn’t cry - a lot. She just was. And she knew that that made her family worried, but for a seventeen year old girl who had just lost her dominant arm all the way up to her shoulder, she thought she was doing okay.

 

”Now” The doctor said, clicking the flashlight off and putting it into his pocket. ”I am going to change your bandage and then you’re free to go, alright?” Briana nodded. Her huge, tight bandage which had wrapped around her entire upper body, had been replaced with a smaller one that only covered her stump - which was a word she still cringed at, by the way.

 

Mickey tried to look away, but it was no use. As the doctor carefully pealed the white cover off, his eyes were focused on the skin underneath. There was a huge gash across the stump, but it seemed to be healing fine - in his opinion at least, he was as far away from a doctor as you could possibly come.

 

It didn’t look too bad, but after over two weeks of getting used to the idea, Mickey’s throat still tightened at the thought that Briana would never ever have her arm again. It was gone, forever. And that fact would always stick with her. Mickey thumbed his bottom lip as the area was cleaned and a new, clean bandage was placed onto the injury, successfully covering it up.

 

Briana swallowed, her eyes staring straight ahead, no idea what her stump looked like. She hadn’t had the balls to look, and Brian and Yevgeny had just said _’It looks fucking awesome, sis!’ ’Yeah, Bri. You look like a warrior!’_ She knew they were just trying to cheer her up, of course, but that didn’t mean that she didn’t appreciate it.

 

”Alright” The doctor muttered, seemingly mostly to himself as he took a step back. ”Do you still feel like you would like us to provide you with a prosthetic?” Briana gnawed her bottom lip.

 

In the beginning, of course she had wanted one. But now, when she had had hours upon hours to think about this - really think about this - she wasn’t too sure anymore. Prosthetic or not, she was an amputee.

 

She would never be able to get rid of that label, and if she was honest - most prosthetics were ugly as fuck and they didn’t look too helpful. Especially not since such a big part of her body was gone. Her eyes flickered to her father, who just shrugged, indicating that this was her decision, and hers alone. She looked down to her hand, resting in her lap, still biting at her bottom lip, a thousand thoughts swirling around in her head.

 

”It’s okay” The doctor said finally when he didn’t get a response for almost five minutes. ”We don’t have to decide right now, alright? How about you go home and try without it. You can let me know at the checkup in a couple of days, sound good?” Briana nodded at him.

 

”That sounds great. Thank you” Mickey assured the doctor, desperate to finally get to go home after this shit.

 

 

”Hey, is she ready to go? Have you heard anything?” Ian asked Mandy when he joined them in the waiting room again after going out to his car to swallow his morning pills.

 

”Soon, I think” Lana said. ”They are in the last check up”

 

Ian nodded, running a lazy hand through his hair, noting for surely the one hundredth and eleventh time in the past couple of months that he needed a haircut. Badly. For some reason, he just never seemed to get around to it.

 

He was pretty sure that he had had a time booked that day he had run into Mickey at the coffee shop, but catching up with Mickey had just seemed more important. Obviously.

 

It was a good thing, too. It wasn’t that long ago, the day that everything in his life had changed for the better. But sometimes, it felt like it. So much shit had gone down, even excluding the shooting.

 

If anything, it all had just made Ian even more certain that Mickey was the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Whenever Ian thought about kissing Mickey, or holding Mickey, or even just being in the same room as him, his entire body immediately warmed up.

 

There was nobody else that would ever be able to replace Mickey, and they had been apart for twenty fucking years, so yes, obviously he had tried. Maybe it was cheesy as fuck, but it was the truth.

 

He had been so fucking lucky to find Mickey when he had only been sixteen, and he had been so fucking lucky to run into him again that day. So there was no fucking way he was ever letting him go again, he would hold on to that man. If he didn’t… he didn’t even want to think about what his life would look like without Mickey in it anymore. He couldn’t.

 

His partner was way too important. He was the love of his life, just like Mickey had said that day a couple of weeks back.

 

”Hey, um…” Yevgeny started, walking a little bit closer to Ian and crossing his arms, his voice a little bit lower than usual so that the others wouldn’t over hear too much. ”I just wanted to thank you” Ian frowned, still feeling incredibly weird about having to tilt his head upwards while talking to somebody, even if he didn’t have to do it too much.

 

”For what?” He asked, and Yevgeny shrugged.

 

”You seem like a really good guy. And I know that dad’s been kind of… alone since the twins were born, fuck, maybe even before…” He trailed off and Ian nodded. ”He just… He’s never really cared much about himself, and even though none of us are happy right now, he seems happy with you. So… thank you. For making him happy.”

 

Yevgeny had been told over and over in his life that he had a way with words, and nor his mother nor his dad had any idea where that came from, he just had it. It came naturally. Ian smiled warmly at him, nodding.

 

”Of course”

 

”And…” Yevgeny said then. ”I wanna thank you for taking care of me when I was little. Even if I don’t remember you, I know that you were all but my dad at some point. I’m sure you were a good one” Ian nodded.

 

”It’s okay, you don’t have to thank me for anything, Yev.”

 

Maybe it was just tragedy that brought the softest part of people out. The cloudy, sensitive part that people usually liked to keep hidden under at least a couple of layers of indifference. The thought that at some point everything could change, people could die, people could lose limbs. In the blink of an eye, something could happen and life would never be the same again.

 

Maybe that’s why Yevgeny felt the need to thank Ian, even if it could have seemed unnecessary in any other situation.

 

 

”You doing alright, bud?” Mandy asked, throwing an arm around Brian’s shoulders. He exhaled deeply before nodding.

 

”Tired”

 

”Yeah, me too” She agreed.

 

Everything had been so fucking crazy in the past few weeks. First the actual shooting and then not knowing whether Briana would live or die, and now this. However, now that she was completely fine - well, alive and well enough to leave the hospital, at least, everything just seemed to catch up with them.

 

It was as if they had stressed and stressed and not given themselves a second to relax, soak this all in. So now that they had the chance to, they were all becoming exhausted.

 

When Briana and Mickey finally came walking down the hallway a few minutes later, she got hugs from all of the people waiting, an extra big one from Yevgeny just because he had missed her so fucking much, even before the shooting.

 

While the others were all hugging and talking to each other, making sure Briana was as okay as she could be, Mickey walked over to Ian, wrapping his arms around his middle and resting his cheek against his chest, breathing out.

 

Ian returned the embrace, comfortably accepting Mickey into his zone, not saying anything, just holding him. This felt so fucking good. Mickey didn’t really know why the fuck he had been so scared of this, of taking Ian back.

 

Because even if this ended badly, even if he ended up miserable and alone - nothing would ever feel better than being able to just walk over to Ian and hold him like this. Have him hold him like this.

 

”I love you” Ian whispered into Mickey’s hair, and Mickey sighed at the feeling. In the best way. Ian said the words all the time. Mickey still hadn’t mustered up the balls to say it back - well, that first night they went home after the shooting, he had told Ian that he was the love of his life, which was true.

 

But he still couldn’t bring himself to just say those three words, just like that, and he wasn’t too sure why that was. Maybe it was because a part of him was still terrified of this, or maybe he just wanted to find the right time for it.

 

Either way, Ian seemed to get it. Mickey felt Ian’s heat radiate off of Ian onto him, and it calmed him down even further. For some reason, nothing at all seemed to calm him down in the same way as being close to Ian did.

 

 

Outside of the hospital, they all ran into a crowd of reporters. It wasn’t more than maybe four or five, but it was still annoying as fuck, and Briana could do nothing but look down and frown, waiting for it all to be over.

 

They threw out questions about the shooting, about her arm, all of that shit because for some fucked up reason, it was entertaining news how an unknown, innocent seventeen year old girl had lost her arm.

 

Yev, Ian and Mandy did their best to shoo them away while the others made themselves into a wall around Briana, making sure she wouldn’t be too affected.

 

 

The ride home was quiet. Not really sad quiet, just… the ashes after a forest fire. Relaxed. It was as if they were all finally breathing again, despite the inevitable struggle they would all face once they came home. Mostly Briana, of course. Mandy, Lana and Yevgeny had taken Mandy’s car, leaving Mickey, Ian, Brian and Briana in Ian’s.

 

Mickey was sitting in the passenger seat, hand interlocked with Ian’s which was all but a reflex by now after all of the shit that had been going on. Holding Ian’s hand had become like an anchor, a way to weigh him down, calm him down and make sure he remembered to breathe.

 

Briana had fallen asleep almost as soon as she had sat down, probably happy to be anywhere that could even be considered normal rather than some cold, white hospital. Her head was resting against her twin brother’s shoulder, and Brian looked down at her once in a while, wishing that there was something he could say, something he could do to make all of this hurt less than it had to.

 

Deep down, he knew that it was no use, though. There was nothing he could do to fix this or make this all even remotely better. For the first time in the past two, almost three weeks, his mind drifted to college.

 

It seemed stupid in this situation, of course. To think about school. But he and Briana had always had these big plans, they had both always been really excited for college. Now… he wasn’t sure whether he should laugh or cry.

 

He hadn’t even been to school since… that day. From what he had heard, most people were back by now, the blood was cleaned up, and people wanted to pretend like nothing happened. Nothing at all. Brian knew that he was being unfair. There was really no other option than to go on, but it still felt wrong. His sister - fuck, his entire family - was in hell and their friends went to math class.

 

It just seemed wrong.

 

”You alright, Bri?” Mickey asked from the backseat when his sons deep sigh hit his ears.

 

”I’m fine” Ian squeezed Mickey’s hand, and he tore his eyes away from the road for a second to look into the blue eyes.

 

” _I love you_ ” He mouthed, and Mickey smiled softly. Ian said it a lot.

 

A part of Mickey thought that maybe he just enjoyed finally being able to say it again. Another part thought that somehow Ian just fucking knew that Mickey needed all of the support he could possibly get by now. Hearing those three, incredibly loaded words come out of Ian’s mouth calmed Mickey down almost more than just him holding him.

 

When Ian’s eyes had shifted back to the road, Mickey brought Ian’s hand up to his lips, cupping it between both of his as he pressed a soft, comforting kiss to the soft skin. Ian didn’t move his eyes back to his partner, but his entire body warmed up at the display of affection as Mickey kept his hand resting against his lips for another moment before letting it drop his his lap, still cupped in between his, fingers laced together.

 

Ian gave him a comforting squeeze, assuring him that he was there. Always. After that, Mickey relaxed back into the seat, eyes out the window, thumb gently running back and forth over Ian’s as his mind drifted in and out of the car.

 

Mickey’s thoughts kept spinning around inside of his head, still stumped at how the fuck they were all supposed to get through this.

 

 

Ian parked the car next to Mickey’s on his driveway and shut it off, looking around the car only to note that all three of the passengers had passed out by now. It probably wasn’t later that nine thirty in the morning, but he understood them.

 

Fuck, he understood them all so well. These past few weeks had been hell, and now that they could finally somewhat relax again, all the sleep they had missed out on came back to haunt them.

 

Ian couldn’t help but think that Mickey was adorable when he was asleep. It had always been a fact. Ever since that one sleepover they had had - the one which had resulted in a morning with Terry which no one liked to think about.

 

That night was the first time that Ian had ever seen Mickey sleep that deeply. He had been sprawled out onto Ian’s chest, hugging him so close in a way that an awake Mickey probably would have beaten himself up for for days.

 

Ian had loved it. In fact, that had been the exact time that Ian had realized how much he loved Mickey. How much he wanted to be with Mickey. The thought that he might be in love with Mickey had crossed his mind before, of course. But not quite like that.

 

Not that heavily, not that… real. Ian realized that he had a small, soft smile on his face as he mentally reminisced about the past, eyes on his sleeping partner. He forced himself out of it. Ian looked out Mickey’s window just in time to see Lana park the car on the driveway right next to Mickey’s.

 

”Hey” Ian spoke softly, shifting his gaze back to Mickey and moving his hand slightly since Mickey was still holding onto it - another thing Ian found it hard not to smile about. ”Mick” He tried again, and soon Mickey’s eyes were fluttering open while he sighed.

 

”Hey” He muttered roughly, giving Ian’s hand a lazy, comforting squeeze before letting go and picking his head up, the world slowly coming into focus again.

 

”You want me to stay or go home?” Ian asked. He knew that Mickey and the kids appreciated him, but he would more than understand if they wanted today and tonight to themselves. Mickey and Ian hadn’t been back together for long after all. Mickey swallowed, shrugging before turning around to look at the sleeping pair of twins in the backseat.

 

”It’s up to her. Sure they aren’t missing you at work?” Their voices were hushed, and Ian shook his head.

 

”No. Took this entire week off” He explained and Mickey frowned.

 

”That makes it almost a month, man, what’d you tell them?” Ian smiled at him softly.

 

”I said that my partner’s kids were injured in the shooting and that I needed some time”

 

He hadn’t seen a reason to lie. Besides, it was as if everyone just went soft after a school shooting, scared of making anybody upset. Of course Ian’s boss had just said _’Oh, I’m so sorry; of course, take as much time off as you need’_ So Ian had taken the month.

 

”Hey” Mickey whispered, turned around to shake his daughter’s leg a little bit, waking her up.

 

”What?” Brian groaned, waking up with her at the movement since they were so close together.

 

”We’re home” Mickey explained, getting flashbacks of when his kids had only been four, maybe five and eight years old.

 

They had always fallen asleep in the car, and Mickey had had to wake them up. That was a time he would always treasure, because in a way, everything had been so complicated, what with Nina dying around that time and him learning how to be a good dad all over again - but somehow it had also all been so easy compared to now.

 

When both Brian and Briana were awake enough to move, they all got out of the car to join the other part of the family who were waiting outside.

 

”You guys hungry?” Mandy asked, and Mickey nodded.

 

Despite what the clock said, they all felt as if it was nearing ten o’clock at night. All of their bodies were completely exhausted from all of this. They all walked towards Mickey’s house, Ian following, figuring that if they wanted him to leave for a while, they’d say so.

 

Maybe he was overthinking that part, but really, it was logical that Briana wouldn’t want someone she had known for such a little amount of time so close to her right now. Then again, he had been sitting with her inside of that school for five hours. She didn’t seem to mind.

 

In fact, she didn’t seem to mind anything. She looked weak, tired. Which was understandable, but that didn’t mean that he had to like it. Brian frowned as they all toed off their shoes and his eyes drifted to his sister.

 

Briana had lost a lot of weight in the weeks she had been in the hospital. Her cheeks had sunken in even a little bit further and her skin was still a lot paler than it had been in the past. Basically she looked like a slightly more alive version of what she had looked like when she had been in a coma.

 

He just hoped that they could get her to be happy again. Ian ordered a couple of pizzas, and they ate by the television in silence. Not awkward silence or sad silence, really. Just silence. Being home, just doing this - eating, watching television - it felt like a dream after everything they had all been through in the past weeks.

 

Briana was thankful that she could just hold the pizza with her left hand, postponing the inevitable frustration that would show up whenever she would have to do other random, everyday tasks around the house.

 

She was sitting in between Brian and Mandy, her family’s comforting warmth calming her down ever so slightly. Ian and Mickey were at the end of the couch, Mickey almost in Ian’s lap, drinking in the feeling of finally having things somewhat back to normal.

 

Finally, later that day once the darkness was starting to fall outside, Mandy and Lana walked back over to their house, leaving Ian and Mickey with the kids. They had all been sitting on the couch pretty much ever since they had first gotten home, probably needing the day to just do fuck all.

 

”Hey” Mickey said, gently whacking the back of Brian’s head since he was starting to fall asleep. Brian hummed, frowning. ”It’s okay if you want to go to bed, bud” Mickey knew how much his youngest son hated to fall asleep on the couch and then have to force himself up to his bedroom. Briana was sleeping already, leaning against her father’s side, and Ian and Yevgeny were still awake, though fighting their heavy eyelids.

 

”Yeah?” Brian asked, and Mickey nodded as both of their eyes drifted to Briana. ”Tell her I love her whenever she’s awake, alright?”

 

”I will” Mickey nodded some more. ”You want me to wake you up tomorrow?” Brian shook his head.

 

”No, it’s cool”

 

”Alright. Night, bud”

 

”Goodnight”

 

Ian and Yev said their goodnights as well, and just as the bedroom door closed behind Brian, Briana started moving a little bit.

 

”Hey” Yevgeny said softly. ”You want to go to bed too?”

 

The doctors had said that sleep was an important factor in Briana’s healing process, but it honestly scared her older brother a little bit. How was they supposed to know whether she was healing or if she was depressed? Of course, he also figured that that was a dilemma for another day.

 

Briana nodded lazily and sat up, her long, tangly hair mostly over one shoulder.

 

”You staying over?” She asked Ian, who looked to Mickey for help. Ian didn’t by any means want to intrude on her first night back home, but at the same time he kind of wanted to spend the night holding Mickey close - however cheesy and cliché it may sound.

 

”Yeah, he is... If that’s okay with you” Mickey finally saved him, and Briana just yawned a little bit, nodding.

 

”I’m fine” She said, using her hand to steady herself as she got up from the couch. ”I’m gonna head to bed”

 

”Tell me if you need anything, alright, bud? Does it hurt?” Mickey asked, ignoring what a complete dad he sounded like. Briana shrugged.

 

”Only a little bit” Her voice was rough, and although the couple of hours of sleep she had just gotten had made her a little bit more straight backed, she still looked exhausted.

 

When she had disappeared up the stairs, Mickey closed his eyes for a second, breathing out.

 

”You think she’s doing okay?” Yevgeny asked Mickey and Ian, voice quiet, eyes still on the stairs she had just walked up.

 

He didn’t know how the fuck an amputee doing well was supposed to look - was there even a way to do well? Losing a fucking limb? Aren’t you doing well if you just haven’t killed yourself? Especially your dominant arm.

 

Fuck, Yevgeny was having a hard time himself. He didn’t even want to begin to think about what his baby sister was currently going through.

 

”She seems to be doing fine” Ian sighed, praying to god that he was even remotely right.

 

 

When Yevgeny quietly knocked on his sister’s door later that night to check on her, it slowly slid open, and he heard that she was in the bathroom, the door wide open. He frowned when he saw her, fighting tears.

 

Briana was standing by the sink in front of the mirror, trying desperately to get the cap off of the toothpaste tube. From the look of things, and from the small, irritated grunts leaving her mouth, he’d say she’s been trying for quite a while.

 

Tears were running down her cheeks. She wasn’t really sobbing, just… crying. The toothbrush was laying in the sink, waiting for the toothpaste. Her hair was still tangly, sprawled out across her back as he dug her teeth into her bottom lip in frustration.

 

”Hey” She jumped at Yevgeny’s soft but startling voice.

 

”Hey” Briana said back, letting the toothpaste fall into the sink bowl to let her wipe her tears.

 

”Here” He said, taking his place beside her and lifting the toothbrush along with the toothpaste, screwing the top off and putting some onto the brush before handing it to her.

 

”Thanks” She said quietly, sitting down on the toilet lid and starting to brush her teeth. Yevgeny leaned back against the sink, looking at her. Briana looked so small, so tiny, so… sad.

 

”You’d um…” He started. ”You’ll tell me if I can do something for you, right? Anything”

 

Briana nodded, her eyes focused on the floor ahead of her as she kept cleaning her teeth. Soon, she stood up, and Yev moved to the side so that she could spit the toothpaste out.

 

”I know, bro” She said when her mouth was washed out. Her voice was low, groggy, almost matching Brian’s.

 

If Yevgeny had to guess, and if he knew his sister right - which he’d say he did - it was from all of the crying she had been doing whenever nobody saw her. It was so like her - pretending to be doing okay and then having breakdowns whenever she was by herself. He could tell she was starting to crack now again, struggling to hold the tears in.

 

”Bri…” He said softly, and at her brother’s caring voice, she finally let her guard down.

 

”How” Small intake of breath. ”Am” Another one. ”I” Another one. ”Yev, how am I supposed to…” She trailed off, tears trailing down her cheeks.

 

Yevgeny fought his own as he brought her in for a warm hug, her face in his neck.

 

”It’s okay, Bri. You’re gonna be okay. I promise. You got this”

 

 

Once Mickey finally climbed into bed that night, Ian’s arms immediately wrapped around his frame, pulling them as close together as they could possibly come. Mickey closed his eyes, leaning into the comforting warmth, wondering how the fuck he could ever have gone twenty years without having this.

 

Without having Ian like this. His nose was buried in his neck, drinking in his scent, letting it seep into his hazey mind and calm him down even further. A part of him wanted to let Ian go and go see how his daughter was doing, but he knew that she wanted to be alone right now.

 

”You alright, baby?” Ian whispered his question into the black hair, and Mickey nodded a couple of times. He was tired, sure. Confused, exhausted, even. But he was alright. They all were. They had to be.

 

”I’m fine. Promise” He whispered back, voice muffled by Ian’s soft skin. Ian closed his eyes, tugging his partner even a little bit closer, pressing a kiss to his temple. Mickey lifted his head at the display of affection and slotted their lips together instead.

 

Ian hummed, enjoying the soft, tender kiss, the buzzing in his stomach just as violent now as it had been when he was sixteen. He loved Mickey just as hard now as he had back then, nothing would ever be able to change that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is such a filler chapter and I feel like it's so fucking sloppy but I hope it's not quite as horrible as I'm imagining it to be. 
> 
> (And yes - I miss the smut too, but obviously this is not the time. There will be some soon!)
> 
> Hope you all have an amazing day! <3


	17. Can't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one else’s hair would ever feel right in between his fingers. No one else’s fingers would ever feel right inside of him.
> 
> No other man would ever feel better in his life than Ian.

The next morning, Yevgeny’s eyes fluttered open, landing on a ceiling that wasn’t his own. The cold floor was hard under his back, and his eyebrows furrowed as his neck screamed at him for crashing on it.

 

The sunshine was way too bright, shining in through the window, making a steady stream where it was pouring out onto the floor.

 

”Are you awake?” His sister’s soft, vulnerable voice cut through the morning. Yevgeny hummed, easing himself up to sit.

 

”Yeah” He sighed before turning his head to look up at Briana. She was laying on her back, staring up into the white ceiling, the white bandage he had helped her change out last night resting safely on her stump. ”First night home. Does it hurt?” He asked, suddenly not giving a shit about his back, but only wanting his baby sister to be as okay as she could be. She shrugged as good as she could.

 

”’S better now” Yevgeny nodded at that.

 

Briana had always been strong, self confident, assertive. But as good as she probably was doing right now for someone who had just lost their dominant arm… it killed Yevgeny to see her so little, so vulnerable. So… fragile. He had literally felt his heart shattering last night when he had caught her crying, and he just fucking knew that it hadn’t been the first time.

 

”Can I do something?” Yevgeny asked her quietly, pressing the home button on his phone to make it light up and display the time. Eight am.

 

”Um…” She started. ”Can you get me some water?”

 

”Yeah” Yev said, leaving his phone on the blanket he had been sleeping under and walking into her connected bathroom. ”You don’t have a cup, I’m gonna go down to the kitchen” He noted pretty quickly and then exited the bathroom again. Briana was sitting up in bed by now, leaning back on her hand, her brown, long hair a complete mess all over the place.

 

”Alright” She said, voice dry.

 

”You want anything else?” He asked her then. Yevgeny knew that Briana most likely felt as if he was babying her, but he couldn’t help it. And if he was honest, he felt as if if babying somebody was okay in any situation ever - it was now. But she just shook her head.

 

”No, I’m fine. Thanks” Yevgeny nodded and exited the room, walking down the stairs to the kitchen, making sure to make as little sound as possible since everyone else were most likely still fast asleep.

 

 

Mickey woke up, safely wrapped up in Ian’s arms, feeling better than he had in weeks - fuck, maybe even years. Briana was home safe, despite the trials she would have to endure. Yevgeny was back home, something Mickey had been looking forwards to for months. And almost best of all, he and Ian were good.

 

Fucking more than good.

 

And now when the shooting drama and what came with it was almost over, he could finally drink that in. He tilted his head up a little bit to look at his partner. Ian’s body was turned around him, but his head was leaned back into the pillow, turned away from Mickey, still asleep.

 

The sun was shining right into their faces since Mickey had been to distracted to draw the drapes last night. Mickey’s hand was laced together with Ian’s, the comforting feeling making a small smile appear on his face.

 

He ran his thumb lazily over the back of Ian’s a couple of times before he raised his head a little bit, pressing a soft kiss to the skin stretching across his jaw. Then Mickey carefully unwrapped Ian’s arms from around him, making sure not to wake him up as he eased himself out of the bed, walking into the bathroom to pee.

 

Once he had flushed, he stopped up for a second, looking into the mirror. He hadn’t quite realized what a toll this entire thing had taken on him. His frame was a little bit smaller, skinnier, and the under eye bags were heavier than they had been a month ago. More of a blue or maybe a purple shade.

 

Mickey sighed heavily, running a hand through his messy hair and tore his eyes away from the mirror, walking back into the bedroom. Ian had turned, his back now to the doorway, steadily breathing up and down.

 

Mickey frowned. He would never like seeing Ian in bed that way. On his side, turned away from Mickey. It brought back too many bad memories. Alas, he took a deep breath, and chose to believe that Ian was okay. He had to be.

 

Then Mickey exited the bedroom, deciding he wouldn’t wake Ian up for now, he could do that later if he didn’t awake by himself.

 

”Hey” Mickey greeted his oldest son when he made it down into the kitchen. Yevgeny was standing by the sink, filling a big glass up with water.

 

”Hey, dad” He said back, his eyes on the tap for another moment before he shut it off and put the glass on the kitchen island, turning towards Mickey.

 

”You crash with Bri?” Mickey asked, nodding to Yev’s shirt, the same one he had had on last night. Yevgeny nodded.

 

”Yeah. I just… wanted to be there, you know?” Mickey nodded.

 

”Thanks, bud. You think she’s doing okay?” Yevgeny shrugged, taking a sip of the water, deciding he could refill it before he handed it to his sister.

 

”I don’t know how this shit is supposed to go down. I mean, in one way I’m worried, but somehow she seems to be doing okay. I don’t know…” He trailed off and Mickey nodded.

 

”How long are you staying, bud?” He asked then. Their voices were hush, for some reason they felt as if they needed to keep quiet so that Brian and Ian wouldn’t wake up, even if it was a big house.

 

”I’m not going back until January. I’m ahead, so I figured it would be best to stay. Besides, I wanna be here for her. Want to go through this with all of you” Mickey nodded.

 

”You’re a good man, bud. You know that, right?” Yevgeny snorted as quietly as he could.

 

”Yeah. But fuck if I know where I got it from” Mickey chuckled.

 

”Fuck you, man” Yev let out a chuckle as well and then he refilled the water glass and walked out of the kitchen.

 

 

About an hour later when Brian, Briana and Yev were all down in the kitchen eating breakfast with Mickey, Ian still hadn’t come down and Mickey was starting to get a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. Briana grunted tiredly as the struggled to open the new milk jug.

 

”Here” Brian said, doing it for her and pouring the white liquid into her cereal.

 

”Thanks” She said softly, eyes in her food.

 

Mickey finished his cereal and then decided to finally bite the bullet, and he walked out of the kitchen to get to the stairs, praying to god that Ian would be sitting up, texting or some shit.

 

Anything but - But no. Ian was still laying on his side, just as Mickey had left him almost two hours earlier. Mickey’s throat closed up, his mind racing back to the last time he had seen him like this. Mickey wasn’t a complete idiot, he knew that Ian was sick, and he knew that as good as he seemed to be, there would always be bad days. He just cursed the universe for it happening right now, when all of this other shit was going on.

 

”Ian” He spoke once his throat had let up enough the let him talk. ”Ian” He said again when he didn’t get an answer. Nothing.

 

Mickey closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to figure out how to handle this. He took the steps required to reach the bed and then climbed up on it, laying his hand onto Ian’s arm, shaking him slightly.

 

”Ian” He spoke for the third time, his voice getting slightly more desperate.

 

”Leave me alone” Came the final muffled answer, and Mickey forced down the tears threatening to well up.

 

”Ian, you gotta get up. Man, you can’t do this to me, not now”

 

Mickey tried to keep his voice steady, but it wavered anyway. He knew that this wasn’t Ian’s fault, of course it wasn’t. But that didn’t change the fact that he was frustrated as fuck. This couldn’t happen. Not now. They were already knee deep in so much tragedy and shit, Ian’s disorder couldn’t act up now, it just couldn’t. Mickey wasn’t sure he was going to be able to handle it.

 

Mickey stopped shaking Ian’s body and took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down and try another tactic. He laid down behind him, snaking an arm around his waist, his lips against the skin behind Ian’s ear.

 

”Please” Mickey whispered lowly. ”Please, Ian. You have to get up. For me” Ian didn’t say anything, didn’t move. ”Did you take your meds this morning?” Mickey finally asked the question he would have given anything to avoid.

 

”No” Ian whispered his answer, and Mickey closed his eyes, willing his tears to stay inside of his tear duct. ”Last night?” Nothing. Mickey sighed, pressing a kiss to Ian’s skin. ”Where are they?” It took almost a full minute, but finally Mickey got his answer.

 

”Car” Came the choked response. 

 

 ”Alright” Mickey said softly. ”I’m gonna go get them” He pressed a last kiss to the patch of skin behind Ian’s ear and then he eased himself out of bed, grabbing Ian’s car keys from the nightstand. He tugged on a pair of sweatpants and then he exited the room, heading down the stairs, straight to the front door.

 

 

”Are you staying for christmas?” Brian asked his older brother, spooning some cereal into his own mouth as he waited for an answer. Yevgeny nodded, swallowing the orange juice that was in his mouth before opening it.

 

”Going back in January. Think I’m gonna go to mom’s tonight, though. Spend some time with her”

 

Briana was quiet throughout the conversation, but nodded a little bit to show that she was listening. Her arm - well, shoulder - was still pounding ever so slightly, but it wasn’t really painful. It was more the kind of pounding you felt in your chest when you had been working out for a long time.

 

It was there, and it was kind of unpleasant, but it wasn’t painful. Despite the fact that her shoulder seemed to be healing fine, though, Briana felt heavy. Sad, almost… depressed. Which in a way, she assumed would have been completely understandable, but other than sad, she didn’t know what she should feel.

 

Maybe a part of her was still in shock over the sharp turn her injury had taken, even after these few weeks of getting used to the idea of only living with one arm.

 

 

When Mickey entered the bedroom again, Ian’s pills in hand, his partner was sitting up, leaning against the headboard. Mickey could almost fucking hear the weight being torn off of his chest.

 

”Fuck” He cursed, unable to help himself as he placed the orange bottles on the nightstand and climbed up to join Ian on the bed, straddling his lap. Ian didn’t wrap his arms around Mickey’s waist to welcome him as he usually would have, and his eyes were looking kind of blank.

 

But he had sat up all by himself, and honestly, that was almost enough to make Mickey squeal right now. He had been so fucking terrified that this would be just a repeat of what they had both gone through all those years ago.

 

”You scared me” Mickey said, their eyes finally connecting as he leaned their foreheads together.

 

”I’m sorry” Ian mumbled, voice rough as he brought his hand up, resting them safely on Mickey’s hips.

 

Mickey sighed, reaching for the pills along with the bottle of water he had gotten from the kitchen. Ian swallowed the pills one after one, Mickey still sitting perched on his lap, watching him. When he was done, he screwed the top onto the water bottle, throwing it to the side and placing his hands back onto Mickey’s hips, looking up at him.

 

”I’m sorry, baby” He said again, and Mickey’s hands fell onto his shoulders, his thumbs rolling small circles on his jawline. ”It’s not just because of the meds, I just… I don’t know” He closed his eyes, sighing deeply, and Mickey frowned.

 

”Talk to me” He said, and Ian’s eyes fluttered open again, connecting with his.

 

”It’s… that boy. I keep - ” He closed his eyes for another moment, taking a deep breath. ”I keep seeing his face, and the… the blood” Mickey’s throat closed up.

 

”It wasn’t your fucking fault, man” He said, hating the idea of the love of his life suffering like this because some random guy decided to off himself.

 

”I know that, Mick. I just…” Ian trailed off, shaking his head. ”What if there was something else I could have said, huh? Something else I could have done”

 

”There’s not” Mickey said. It was the truth. There was not a doubt in Mickey’s mind that that guy had killed himself no matter if Ian had said all the ’right’ things or all the ’wrong’ things. ”Baby, you can’t be hung up on this. We need to move on, alright? Even if there was some fucking magical word you could have said - which Ian, there fucking isn’t, by the way - it wouldn’t change anything. He’s already gone”

 

Ian sighed, eyes firmly on Mickey’s as he slid his arms around his waist, pressing their chests together. Mickey leaned their foreheads together, hoping that he was being successful at calming Ian down. They closed their eyes, breathing each other in for a moment.

 

”I fucking love you so much it hurts” The whispered words took Mickey slightly off guard, but that didn’t change the fact that it warmed his entire body to hear them.

 

”’S cheesy, man” Mickey whisper-chuckled, his breath fanning over Ian’s lips.

 

”It’s true” Ian said, and Mickey nodded.

 

”I know it is” Mickey agreed before leaning in for a soft, loving and perfect kiss.

 

 

A few hours later, Yevgeny had gone over to Mandy and Lana’s to spend some time with his mother, and Ian had left to go back to his place for the day, giving the family some space. It was kind of weird to Mickey. To just be alone with Brian and Briana again after all of the chaos that had ensued over the past couple of weeks. It was nice, though. They were sitting on the couch, eating chinese food and watching some movie that Brian had sworn by.

 

Mickey wasn’t really paying attention. Believe it or not, eating junkfood and watching television wasn’t really something that they did all that much. It was as if all of them had their own things going on, so they never had the time. Although, of course now Mickey had the rest of the year off from work - which he was extremely thankful for - and the kids were all home from school, and besides, they all kind of needed this today too.

 

A few days to just do nothing. It was perfect.

 

Briana’s takeout box was clamped between her folded knees as she struggled to use the chopsticks with her left hand. Mickey’s eyes drifted to her once in a while, but he knew that if he were to ask if she wanted help, she would just curse him out.

 

These were things she needed to figure out how to do for herself. They were all ripped out of their half dazed state by the doorbell’s heavy buzz.

 

”I’ll get it” Brian said tiredly, putting his food onto the coffee table as he stood up, walking the short distance to the front door. He ran a hand through his long hair right as he opened it. When he saw who was visiting, he was surprised, to say the least.

 

”G - Cole” Giggles snorted.

 

”You can call me Giggles, it’s fine” Brian nodded, chuckling.

 

”Sorry. So what are you doing here?”

 

 

Mickey and Briana frowned, leaning their heads over the back of the couch to eavesdrop at the conversation. Although to be fair, the front door was only maybe eight meters from the couch, so they couldn’t exactly keep themselves from hearing.

 

”You know who that is?” Mickey asked Briana so quietly he was almost mouthing the words.

 

She shrugged, shaking her head before turning back to her food, finally getting a couple of noodles into her mouth.

 

”You want a fork?” Mickey asked her after a beat, against his better judgement. He got the exact reaction he had guessed.

 

”No” She said. ”No fucking point, I have to learn this shit” Mickey nodded, looking at her sadly for a second before turning back to his own food. When he looked back to the door a few minutes later, Brian and the guy were gone.

 

 

”So I know we don’t really hang…” Giggles continued when Brian’s bedroom door closed behind them. ”But I just wanted you to know that I’m here if you need anything” Brian frowned a little bit, unable to quite understand why somebody he barely knew would say something like that. That didn’t mean that he didn’t appreciate it, though. Of course he did.

 

”Thanks” Brian said, smiling softly at his new friend.

 

”So you’re doing good?” At Giggles question, Brian shrugged, sighing as he sat down on the edge of his bed, Giggles joining him without either of them really giving it much thought.

 

”As good as I can be” He nodded. ”I guess” He added then, and Giggles looked into his eyes, a sympathetic look on his face.

 

”Your sister?” Brian shrugged again, his body relaxing a little bit as he leaned to the side, steadying himself on his hand.

 

”I guess we’re all just…” He trailed off, eyes on the kind brown ones in front of him. Brian wasn’t really the kind to spill his guts to just anybody, but for some fucked up reason, this didn’t seem so scary. Besides, Giggles had actually asked him. ”We’re all trying to get back to normal, but… as it turns out, it’s not that easy” Giggles nodded.”Can I ask you something?” Brian asked then and Giggles nodded, his brows furrowing ever so slightly. ”Why do you care? It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, it’s just… why?” Giggles shrugged.

 

”A lot of reasons. I was in there with you, I know what it was like. But I um, I also…” Brian noticed the look in his eyes change ever so slightly as he searched his, his tongue darting out to wet his lips. Suddenly, it was as if a lightbulb was lit right over Brian’s head. Giggles cared because he… liked him?

 

”I’m not…” Brian started as Giggles inched closer, eyes darting up and down between Brian’s eyes and lips.

 

Brian didn’t say anything more. Because what was he supposed to say? _’I’m not gay’_? Was that why his chest was fluttering and why he was starting to pack a semi already? It wasn’t as if he wouldn’t have been okay with himself if he was into guys, he had grown up with Mickey. But at the same time, it had never really crossed his mind that he might be. Into guys, that was, not gay, because there was not a doubt in his mind that he was into girls, too.

 

When their faces were close enough that they could feel each other’s breath, Brian shut his brain off and bit the bullet, placing a hand on the back of Giggle’s bald head, bringing their lips together in the most perfect kiss he had ever experienced.

 

They didn’t go further than making out that day. Giggles left about fifteen minutes later, but as Brian closed the front door and joined his family by the television again, he was having a hard time wiping the smile off of his face.

 

 

As night fell, Yevgeny decided to stay at his mother’s but Ian drove back over to Mickey’s house, mostly because somehow he just fucking knew that Mickey wanted him to, even though he hadn’t actually said anything of it.

 

When Mickey’s bedroom door was closed behind them, Mickey immediately turned to Ian, getting up on his toes to press a kiss to his lips. They really hadn’t done much of that lately despite the fact that Mickey had busted down that wall.

 

It was as if life just got in the way, and neither of them were - understandably - in the mood for it. Ian promptly returned the display of affection, bending down every so slightly so that Mickey didn’t have to strain himself.

 

One of his hands landed on Mickey’s waist, the other one slipping around to the back of his head, deepening the kiss. Mickey worked his lips against Ian, desperate to drink in the feeling of finally being able to do this without feeling bad about it, like he was abandoning Briana.

 

Because she was home, she was safe, and just for tonight, he could be allowed to only focus on Ian. Ian’s taste, Ian’s smell, Ian clouded his senses in that way that only he could, no one else. When they finally pulled apart, Ian blinked down on Mickey, a soft look covering his features.

 

”What was that for?” Mickey shrugged, slipping his arms around his waist, stepping closer, their eyes still locked together.

 

”I just… it’s been a lot lately. Shit’s just kind of starting to calm down, and I um… ” _I love you._ ”I really appreciate you being here. For all of us” Ian didn’t say anything to that. He didn’t have to. Instead he just brought his partner up for another soft kiss, his tongue softly slipping into Mickey’s mouth as they moved towards the bed.

 

Their shirts were peeled off, thrown to the side as Mickey fell back onto the bed, easing himself up, closer to the headboard before welcoming Ian in between his legs. Ian hummed into the next kiss as Mickey fibbled with both of their zippers, feeling his cock slowly grow harder.

 

”Fucking want you” Mickey growled into Ian’s mouth a couple of minutes later, once they had finally managed to get rid of the rest of their clothes. The buzzing in the pit of his stomach, the fire, was even stronger now than it had been a moment ago.

 

”Yeah? You - ” He cut himself off with a low groan as Mickey wrapped his legs around his waist, bringing him down, their cocks sliding over each other. ”Fuck, I love you” He couldn’t help but let Mickey know. Mickey deepened the kiss, desperate to have every single piece of Ian that he could possibly get.

 

Even if he hadn’t quite found the right time to say it yet, fuck he loved this man. So much. So instead of uttering the words, he deepened the kiss even further, his tongue sliding surely over Ian’s as he hoped he was able to let him know through the action how much he actually loved Ian.

 

How much it hurt whenever something wasn’t right with them and how he had spend the past twenty years completely heartbroken and empty, even though he hadn’t realized it at the time. When Ian finally worked a slicked up finger inside of Mickey, Mickey wrapped his arms around his back, his head leaning back into the pillow, curses falling from his lips.

 

Three weeks was a fucking long time for them, and though Mickey had been way too preoccupied to think about having sex, he had missed this so fucking much.

 

”Feel good?” Ian asked, his head in the crook of Mickey’s shoulder.

 

”Fuck” Mickey hiccuped as he felt Ian’s finger gently slide in and out of him. ”More” He spoke, his voice rough. Ian obeyed, working a second finger in, scissoring them a little bit to stretch Mickey open enough to take his cock.

 

Mickey dug his teeth into his bottom lip, his head still tilted back into the pillow as he felt Ian’s fingers press against his inner walls, making his cock leak a few, steady drops of precome onto his stomach. Ian kept working Mickey open, slowly but surely as he also worked a hickey into the skin right above his collar bone.

 

Mickey’s hand was on the back of his head, his fingers braiding themselves into the red hair.

 

No one else’s hair would ever feel right in between his fingers. No one else’s fingers would ever feel right inside of him.

 

No other man would ever feel better in his life than Ian.

 

”I’m good” Mickey sighed soon. ”Get in me” Ian nodded once and pressed a last kiss to the raw skin before pulling away and easing his fingers out. When Ian had a condom on, he laid back down on top of Mickey, who wrapped his legs back around his waist.

 

”You good?” Ian asked, the tip of his cock nosing Mickey’s hole, their lips so close together they were almost touching.

 

”Yeah, man” Mickey assured him, claiming his lips and adding more pressure to his lower back, urging him to ease into his hole, finally connecting them. It was different this time. This wasn’t the rough kind of fucking, and this wasn’t Mickey riding Ian into oblivion.

 

This was a kind of sex Mickey could only remember them having a few times, even back when they were younger. This wasn’t fucking, this was making love.

 

 

Try as he did, Brian was completely unable to fall asleep. All he could think about was how that one guy somehow made his way into Brian’s life - he didn’t even completely understand how that had happened by the way - and now he was what? Bisexual? Into guys?

 

It had never once crossed his mind that he may be into guys, but after today, there was not a doubt in his mind that he was at least into that guy. When Gig - Cole - had kissed him, his stomach had done a kind of flip, one that he had never really felt before.

 

It hadn’t been that soft kind of buzzing he had felt a couple of times before, this had been different. Stronger. Brian took a deep breath and shook himself out of it. He’d figure out what he had with Cole later, but he had been at this for hours and he felt as if his brain was rotting.

 

He got out of bed, heading out of his room and down the stairs, deciding to get a bottle of water or something in an effort to distract himself since sleep apparently wasn’t going to happen tonight. He was reminded yet again that he needed a haircut as he ran a hand through the brown mop of curls on top of his head. In fact, it was getting so long and heavy that it was barely curls anymore, maybe small waves.

 

”Hey”

 

”Fuck” Brian cursed, almost dropping the water bottle he had just grabbed from the fridge. ”Thought everyone were asleep” He sighed, walking over to his sister who was sitting on a loveseat right where the livingroom molded into the dining room. ”What are you doing up, what’s wrong?” He asked, noticing her slightly tear stained cheeks. Briana shrugged, wiping some off as Brian crossed his arms, standing in front of her.

 

”It’s stupid… I couldn’t sleep” She mumbled, looking down at the floor. ”I was um…” She lifted her head, gesturing to the backdoor. ”I was gonna go out for some air, but you need to lift the little thing and turn the handle at the same time and I couldn’t…” He trailed off with a sad snort, and Brian’s heart hurt.

 

”Come on” Brian walked over to the door, opening it, the fresh air swiping over his face.

 

Briana stayed seated for a bit before following her brother out and they sat down on the big chairs. She sighed deeply, taking in the feeling of being outside, feeling the nice air fill her lungs.

 

Brian looked over at her, gnawing at his bottom lip for a second. He was about to open his mouth, maybe tell her about Cole but before he got the chance, she cut him off.

 

”How the fuck am I gonna get through this?” She wasn’t looking at him, she was staring straight ahead as if she was searching for an answer she knew she was never going to find.

 

”Bri…” Brian said softly.

 

”No, no. I’m serious, Brian” She said, her voice sad. Groggy as he turned her head to look her brother in the eye.”I can’t tie by shoes, I can’t open the milk - I can’t fucking tie my hair up!”

 

Brian dug his teeth into his bottom lip to try to keep his tears at bay as hers spilled over.

 

”I can’t even open the fucking door!” Brian leaned his head to the side a little bit, his brows furrowing. He didn’t know what to say to that. He desperately wished that he knew some magic word to make everything better, but the truth was that there probably wasn’t one. Maybe she just needed to cry, work through this without some magic cure.

 

”It’s been three weeks, Bri”

 

”Well then, what if I never get better, huh?” More and more tears were starting to fall down her cheeks by now. ”What if the rest of my life is just this? What if - what if I can’t…” She trailed off as sobs took over her body.

 

Brian stood up and sat down next to her on her chair instead, wrapping a strong arm around his currently broken sister. Briana’s face was buried in his neck as the choked sobs blended with the same two words, whispered over and over in a heartbreaking chant. 

 

_’I can’t. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t'_

 

Brian closed his eyes, a few tears of his own dribbling down his cheeks, and he hoped for all of their sakes, that somehow, she would be able to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much more planned for this chapter, but I had to chop it up, sorry about it. 
> 
> I also feel as if these last few chapters have been really sloppy and maybe too Brian/Briana/Yev centric, but all of that will change pretty soon, so I hope people are sticking with me lmao
> 
> Comments, thoughts, opinions and kudos are always very appreciated! <3 Hope you all have an amazing day!


	18. Hold Me Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”I - I know” She spoke, eyes straight ahead of her, her eyes slowly stating to dry up a little bit. ”But what about now?” She asked then, and Ian’s heart took another stab. ”I just… I tell myself that I’m okay, right? It’s like a fucking mantra in my head. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay…” She sighed, trailing off for a second. ”I’m okay. Because I’m afraid that if I stop - even for one single fucking second. Well, then, I’m just gonna end up drowning in all of the fucking reasons why I’m not”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I doubted I'd even finish half of this today, so - appreciate this! lmao, love all of you! x

Sunday morning found Yevgeny walking into his fathers house and into the kitchen where Mickey was making their oatmeal.

 

They hadn’t had the chance to eat it any of the past few Sundays, obviously. But now that everything was kind of starting to slow down and go back to normal - well, as much as possible, anyway - Mickey figured he’d make it.

 

”Hey, dad” Yevgeny greeted, sitting down on one of the barstools. Mickey stirred the food for a big longer before turning around to face his oldest son.

 

”Morning, bud” He said back, and then went over to the fridge to get the milk as Yevgeny looked down at his phone, scrolling through his emails to make sure that he hadn’t missed anything important.

 

He fought a yawn as he ran a hand over the blonde hair hanging over to his left, the slight curls starting to lay down now that he hadn’t washed it in a couple of days. His eyelids felt heavy, most likely a result of his body and mind finally relaxing again after everything.

 

When Yevgeny was sure that he wasn’t missing anything super important back at Pepperdine, he locked his phone, putting it face down onto the counter.

 

”Are the twins up yet?” He asked Mickey who was just starting to crack a few eggs into the pan since he and Yev were almost the only ones who liked oatmeal.

 

”No” Mickey said. ”They’re all asleep” Yevgeny nodded, and they were both quiet for a while, the early morning sucking out the need for conversation. It didn’t take long before Brian came trudging down the stairs, his ridiculously long brown curls hanging down in front of his eyes.

 

”Man, when are you getting a haircut?” Yevgeny asked, and Brian just flipped him off.

 

The truth was that Brian had intended to get a haircut soon, but the longer he waited, the longer it physically grew, and the longer it grew on him. The past week, he actually hadn’t minded it too much. And it only had a little bit to do with the fact that Cole had pulled it when they had made out the other day.

 

”Your sister awake?” Mickey asked as Brian went over to the fridge, bending down to get the jug of orange juice.

 

”No” He answered, and right as the word was out of his mouth, Ian came walking into the kitchen, his long hair just as messy as Brian’s.

 

”Good morning” He spoke, his voice low.

 

”Morning, Ian” Yevgeny said, and Brian nodded in greeting. Ian stepped closer to Mickey, who turned his side to the stove to face him. One of his hands fell to Mickey’s hip as their eyes connected, small, satisfied, Sunday morning smiles on their lips.

 

”Morning, babe” Normally, maybe Mickey would have scolded him for saying that in front of his kids, but right now, he didn’t give a shit because it sounded so good. Besides, it was only a petname, and Brian and Yevgeny already knew that he and Ian were together - obviously - so he figured it wasn’t too bad.

 

”Morning” Mickey hummed back, completely unable to keep himself from getting up on his toes to press a kiss to Ian’s lips, sighing as the feeling soothed his veins, calming him down even though he wasn’t worked up. It wasn’t a long kiss, or a deep kiss, it was just a good morning one.

 

And a good fucking morning it was, because for the first time since Briana had come home from the hospital, she got out of bed and walked down to the kitchen all by herself, without anybody having to wake her up or try to force her on her feet.

 

”Hey, bud” Mickey spoke and it blended with some other greetings from Ian and her brothers.

 

”Hey” She said back, her voice weak. Rough.

 

Her long brown hair was spread out over her white tank top, flipped and parted in various different directions on top of her head.

 

”Are you hungry?” Ian asked, and she nodded, the movement just as weak as her voice. Her mental and physical strength went up and down, much like her optimism and her will to succeed, but she was down in the kitchen, eating breakfast and drinking orange juice. Her family took that as a win.

 

”Cereal?” Brian asked.

 

”Yeah” She nodded, and he handed her the milk right as Mickey spooned the oatmeal into three bowls, handing one to Ian and one to Yevgeny, keeping the last one for himself as he and Ian sat down by the kitchen island just as the other three had done.

 

They were all quiet as they started spooning the breakfast into their mouths. It wasn’t an awkward silence whatsoever, just a tired one, comfortable. It was as if all of them were lost in their own thoughts.

 

Ian’s mind was still spinning a little bit over that boy. He knew that - just as Mickey had pointed out to him more than once - there was not anything that he could have done differently.

 

The end result would still have been the same no matter what he had said or done in the situation. But of fucking course it fucked with his brain. Sometimes he could still see the pictures inside of his head.

 

The blood littered across the linoleum, the sad, far away stare in the boys eyes as he pulled the trigger.

 

”Hey” Mickey whispered, a hand on Ian’s thigh, shaking it slightly. Ian frowned, turning to look at him.

 

”What?” Mickey just shook his head, his soft eyes looking into Ian’s. He knew exactly what Ian was spinning over, that’s how well they knew each other, and Ian couldn’t have been more happy over it than in that very moment. ”Sorry” He whispered, pressing a soft kiss to Mickey’s forehead before turning back to the bowl of oatmeal in front of him.

 

Briana was looking down into her cereal, her spoon smoothing the softened pieces of food back and forth. She wasn’t more sad today than any other day, really, that wasn’t it. But for some reason she felt more dull, more empty.

 

Her throat was dry, her hands cold and her hair tangly. She sighed deeply and looked up right when the noise of the front door slamming rang throughout the house, and Mandy and Lana came into the kitchen.

 

”Hey” Brian said, nodding to them.

 

”Hey” Mandy said back, taking the chair next to Yevgeny, grabbing the cereal and sticking her hand down the box, retrieving a handful of cocoa puffs.

 

”Aye, yo!” Mickey said, ripping it out of her hands. ”Leave some, jesus fuck” She rolled her eyes as Briana looked up at Lana.

 

”Can you um…?” She asked, weakly gesturing to her hair and then to her right shoulder. Thankfully, Svetlana got it. ”Of course” She nodded, stepping behind her and softly collecting her hair, twisting it into a bun and tucking the ends underneath to make it stay.

 

”Thanks” Briana said when she had let go, and it earned her a soft kiss to the top of her head.

 

Mickey smiled at them, unable to keep himself from it. It was kind of touching, really. How sweet she was with the twins, almost as if they were her own sometimes.

 

 

About half an hour later, the breakfast was all eaten and people were spread all over the house, leaving Ian and Mickey alone in the kitchen. Mickey turned on the tap and ran all of the bowls under the water so that they would get clean easier in the dishwasher.

 

His mind was on a million things, but he was dragged back to his body when Ian wrapped his arms around his waist, resting his head on his shoulder.

 

”Hey” Mickey said, elbowing Ian to get him to move back again, albeit halfheartedly because it felt really good to have his warmth wrapped around him. Ian could easily red between the lines, and didn’t move an inch.”We’re not alone” Mickey reminded him when Ian pressed a soft, chaste kiss to his neck before laying his chin down again. ”So?” He mumbled, eyes on Mickey’s hands as he kept cleaning the dishes.

 

”They know we’re together” Mickey hummed, trying to come up with a reason why they shouldn’t be able to hold each other where his teenage - and one adult - child could see. He couldn’t find any, so he relaxed back into Ian’s embrace. ”This feels good” Ian murmured then.

 

”What does?” Mickey asked, but he had a pretty good idea of what his partner might mean.

 

”This morning. Just… eating breakfast with you and the kids” Mickey smiled lazily, and even though Ian couldn’t see his face, he knew. Mickey did his best to come up with a snarky comeback, something to send Ian back a couple of steps. But in the end, there was only really one good answer to the statement.

 

”I know it does” They were quiet for a beat, Ian still holding Mickey tightly against him, surrounding himself in the soft blanket that was the love of his life.

 

”I think I’m gonna go for a run” Ian informed Mickey then, pressing a soft, caring kiss to the skin right behind his ear before unwrapping his arms from around him. Mickey hummed, shutting the tap off and turning around, wiping it hands on his jeans.

 

”You brought those clothes?” Ian nodded.

 

Not too soon after Briana had gotten home, Ian had brought over a gym back filled with the most necessary clothes because they both knew that he would end up spending a lot of time at the house after everything.

 

It was laying in the corner of the room, unzipped with some clothes spilling out. He didn’t have his own drawer, and his toothbrush wasn’t next to Mickey’s. Mickey hadn’t mentioned it, and honestly, Ian got it.

 

They would get there when they got there. Ian was in no hurry. For now, he was happy that they were here, at the point where he could wrap his arms around Mickey’s waist and kiss his neck. That was good enough for now.

 

”Alright” Mickey said, taking a step forwards and placing his hands on Ian’s hips, getting up on his toes to press their lips together. The buzzing erupted in his stomach just as strong as it had twenty years ago, despite the chasteness of the kiss. Ian hummed into the display of affection, his arms falling around Mickey’s waist, pulling him closer. They held it for a second before pulling apart, their eyes fluttering open, connecting with each others.

 

”I love you” Ian whispered, and Mickey smiled warmly, hoping that Ian knew just how much he wanted to say it back. And he would. Soon enough. ”You think I should ask Briana to come?” He asked Mickey after a beat. ”Might cheer her up to get out” Mickey’s chest warmed further at the words.

 

He loved how Ian cared for the kids, despite not knowing them for very long. He had a feeling that even if the shooting hadn’t happened, he still would have cared just as much and that fact just made Mickey fall - if possible - even deeper in love with him. Mickey nodded, his hands still on Ian’s hips.

 

”Yeah. Thanks. I think she’s in her room” Ian nodded, smiling softly and dropping another loving kiss to Mickey’s lips before making his way out of the kitchen.

 

Mickey looked down at the floor and thumbed his bottom lip, unable to keep the smile off of his own lips. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew that despite all the shit they had gone through together lately, he and Ian were still very much in the honeymoon stage in their new-old relationship.

 

He knew that things wouldn’t always be this easy between them. Then again, Mickey had since a couple of weeks back decided not to dwell on it all too much. He didn’t like to think about his future with Ian, not because he didn’t want one, but because he knew that there was a possibility that he would be fooling himself.

 

There was a very real chance that he wouldn’t end up having a future with Ian and instead, after everything, end up alone. It fucking sucked to think about of course, and currently, Mickey couldn’t really see how that would happen.

 

They were so happy. But Mickey had also been alive long enough to know that things happen. Things go wrong and things change. He may be way past denying his feelings and keeping himself away from Ian, but that didn’t mean that he was ready to give him a drawer yet.

 

Ian stepped into Mickey’s bedroom and quickly changed his jeans out for a pair of sweatpants before exiting again, walking over to Briana’s bedroom door and knocking lightly a couple of times.

 

”Yeah?” He took the acknowledgement as a green light and opened the door, sticking his head in. Briana was sitting on her unmade bed, her computer out in front of her, typing something, albeit slowly since she no longer had her dominant hand to help her.

 

She looked up, eyes connecting with Ian’s. The past few days, most of the times he had seen her, her eyes had been red, cried out, even though he hadn’t actually seen the tears fall many times. He was happy to see that there was no evidence of a breakdown on her face now, and he hoped that that meant she was doing better. if only just a little bit.

 

”I’m gonna go for a run, do you wanna come?” Ian asked her, and she shrugged, looking down at her computer again, seeming to think it over. ”Might make you feel good, right? To get out?” She was quiet for another beat before finally nodding.

 

”Yeah, sure. Give me a minute, alright?” Ian nodded.

 

”I’ll wait downstairs”

 

Ian was by the front door, putting his blue hoodie on when Briana came walking down the stairs, dressed in workout tights and a sweatshirt, her right sleeve tucked in. Ian noticed her shoelaces slam from side to side as she took the steps.

 

”Um, could you…” She asked lowly, running a hand through her hair awkwardly.

 

She fucking hated asking for help, especially with these every day tasks. It made her feel like a fucking five year old. To have to depend on people like this. To have to please and thank you for every single little thing in her life.

 

”Of course” Ian nodded, getting down on his knees and quickly lacing one shoe after the other before standing up again. ”Good?” Briana nodded. ”Alright, let’s go” Ian said, turning around, opening the front door.

 

”Wait” He turned back, and she was handing him a black hair tie.

 

”Please? I’m sorry, I just… I can’t…” There were a fuck ton of things she had learned to do in the past few weeks since she had woken up. She could zip her jeans, she could unscrew the cap off of a water bottle, she could open a powerbar. But for some reason, tying her hair up was a fucking bitch to learn. ”I’m sorry” She said again as he took the hairtie from her grasp, and motioned for her to turn around.

 

”It’s okay, don’t apologize, Bri” Ian assured her, and she relaxed a little bit.

 

Even though she didn’t know him very well just yet, of course the whole him risking his life for her thing made her trust him. She was also really happy that he and her dad had been able to find their way back to each other after all of these years.

 

She didn’t know every single detail about what had happened between them way back when, but she knew that none of it had been pretty. Despite that, they were back together, twenty fucking years later. If that didn’t make her believe in love, she didn’t know what did.

 

”That okay?” Ian asked her once her hair was pulled back into a tight, high pony tail, her hair so long it almost reached down to the middle of her back.

 

”Yeah, thanks” She nodded, turning back around and feeling around her crown for bumps, she didn’t find any. ”How did you learn that?” Ian chuckled and turned around, pushing the door open enough for them to walk out.

 

”I have two sisters”

 

 

Mickey was sitting by the kitchen island, his computer in front of him, answering a couple of work emails, but he stopped when he heard his daughter and Ian talk. He didn’t tear his eyes away from the screen, but his fingers were still, his mouth pulling into a smile and his stomach warming at the kindness Ian showed his children - fuck, the kindness that Ian showed everybody.

 

Sometimes it still blew his mind, even after almost twenty four years of being in love with that man, just how in love he could feel. He could easily compare it to being sixteen again. The way his heart beat against his ribcage, the way it swelled and the way the base of his stomach warmed up as soon as he just thought about Ian.

 

He had no fucking idea how he had made it twenty years without him, but now that he had him again, there was no way he was giving him up. Not for anything.

 

 

Ian and Briana had only been running for about twenty minutes when she started slowing down a little bit. She used to be a runner, but when she started feeling the pressure of getting into college, she had just stopped for some reason.

 

Her body was slightly out of the shape she had once been, and yet, as soon as she felt her legs start to ache, other things did too. Working out just somehow released the thoughts, made her spin on things that virtually didn’t matter or that she couldn’t do anything about, and it made her eyes sting.

 

”You need a break?” Ian asked, stopping with her as she bent over slightly, resting her forearm on her legs. Briana was breathing heavily, and Ian frowned, afraid that she had asthma or some shit. Soon, though, he heard that it wasn’t a breathing caused by the running - she was sobbing. ”Hey” Ian said, laying a hand on her back. ”What’s wrong? Talk to me” Briana’s breathing quickened as the tears flowed freely down her cheeks.

 

”I’m just - I c - I can’t”

 

”Come here” Ian said softly, steering her towards the curb and they sat down.

 

Thankfully, they were on a pretty quiet street. Briana kept crying, her head tilted down, her legs folded in front of her. Ian’s arm was resting around her shoulders, letting her let go, not saying anything for a while.

 

”What if - ” She said through a quick in hale, desperately trying to get her tears to slow down. ”What if I never - what if I never get better?”

 

Ian’s heart stung at the words, he hated seeing her this broken, this weak. He hadn’t known her longer than a couple of months, but she was Mickey’s daughter, and Mickey was the love of his life, so how could Ian not love Briana? Besides, the hours spend in the library that day had surely broken a couple of walls between the two of them, even if they had a silent agreement not to talk about it too much.

 

”You’re already better than you were two weeks ago” Ian finally sighed, not sure what else to say. His arm tightened around her, and she leaned into the fatherly warmth. ”You’re gonna be fine, Briana. Eventually” She nodded.

 

”I - I know” She spoke, eyes straight ahead of her, her eyes slowly stating to dry up a little bit. ”But what about now?” She asked then, and Ian’s heart took another stab. ”I just… I tell myself that I’m okay, right? It’s like a fucking mantra in my head. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay…” She sighed, trailing off for a second. ”I’m okay. Because I’m afraid that if I stop - even for one single fucking second. Well, then, I’m just gonna end up drowning in all of the fucking reasons why I’m not”

 

Ian closed his eyes, feeling the sting behind his eyelids as he pulled his partners daughter closer, resting his chin on top of her head. Briana closed her eyes, breathing in his comforting smell. It usually took her months - maybe even years - to get comfortable with somebody. But for some reason, she trusted Ian, she liked him a lot and she knew that if her father loved him, she did too.

 

”You _are_ okay” Ian said after a beat. ”I promise. We got you, all of us” Briana sighed, nodding a couple of times.

 

They sat on that curb for a few more minutes, Ian’s comforting presence calming Briana’s breathing before they finally started walking home again.

 

 

Later that night, Briana was sitting on her bed, continuing to work on her college essay. She probably wouldn’t have enough grades to get in after being out of school for so long, but either way, she needed to practice doing these simple things. Besides, it kind of calmed her down to do something so normal after everything. She raised her head when there was a knock on the door.

 

”Yeah?” Yevgeny stepped inside at the greeting, and she smiled at him as much as she could manage. A day or two since she had lost her arm, she had been able to almost forget about it.

 

One day, she, Yev and Brian had spent the entire day watching disney movies and drinking hot chocolate, that was a good day. They had felt like kids again, forgetting about their troubles if only for a few hours. Today, though, her entire body had felt heavy along with everything going on. She wasn’t sure what it was, but she knew that she couldn’t help it. It was just a bad day.

 

”Hey. How are you doing?” Yev asked, sitting down on the corner of the bed. Briana shrugged, closing the laptop lid to give her full attention to her brother. ”Not good?” She chuckled sadly, and he frowned at her as she placed her forehead into her palm, the tears spilling over.

 

”I just - I wish this was some kind of nightmare or some shit. I just… I want it back. My arm, my life. All of it. I can’t do this”

 

”Bullshit” She was startled by her brother’s harsh tone, and she looked up, frowning.

 

”What?”

 

”You have to” He said. ”Look, you lost your arm, Bri. I know that. And it sucks. And I am so sorry for that. But it’s not coming back. So suck it up and get through it with your head held high, because you don’t have another fucking choice, as much as we all would like that”

 

 

As harsh as Yevgeny’s words had seemed at the time, over the next couple of weeks, as December neared, something happened. Something changed. In the way Briana moved, in the way she talked, in the way she walked.

 

As if she was tired of being broken, tired of being helpless so she more or less forced herself to be okay again. Once in a while, Yevgeny would smile her way when no one was looking. He had known exactly what he was doing and how his words would help his sister in the end.

 

Sure, she had her bad days, her broken days, her lonely days. But her brothers, her father and the rest of her family helped her through them as good as they could, and expect for that, home was more or less a comfortable routine day in and day out - which after everything, was truly nothing but a sweet blessing.

 

They would all wake up, somebody would tie Briana’s hair up, even without her asking. They would all eat, and Ian and her would go out for their run, which by now, was going really well. Not only did she become a little bit happier when she felt her body firm up again, but the couple of hours in the fresh air - as cliché as it sounded, made her a little bit happier.

 

Sometimes Brian or Mandy would come with them. Nobody else had the interest or the stamina.

 

Briana was happier than she had been since the shooting, and it seemed to rub off on everybody else as well.

 

 

Mickey sighed deeply and rolled off of Ian, struggling to get his breath to catch up with him. Ian rolled the condom off of his own cock and tied it off, throwing it to the side before pulling his partner closer to him, neither of them giving a shit about the fact that their hot, disgustingly sweaty skin clibbed together.

 

Mickey just threw an arm over Ian’s torso and pulled himself even closer, his face ending up buried in his neck.

 

”I love you” Ian murmured into the black hair, and Mickey smiled.

 

He still hadn’t said it back, not even a ’ _you too_ ’. He usually wasn’t that cheesy, but for some reason, he wanted that to be special. He wanted it to be the very right timing.

 

Maybe that made him a thirteen year old girl but so fucking be it. He always said it back in some way, shape or form, though. Either he hugged Ian a little bit tighter, or he kissed him, or he just smiled in that special way that Ian knew he only reserved for him.

 

Their breathing slowed down as their bodies climbed down from high gear, their inhales and exhales matching up. Ian sighed contentedly, lacing his fingers together with Mickey’s, looking down at them.

 

He knew that it was cheesy as fuck, but he had held a lot of hands in the past twenty years, and none of them had even come close to feeling or looking this right. Mickey’s slightly shorter fingers looked so fucking right, fitted together in between his long, slender ones, the faded black ink on his knuckles still standing out against the pale skin, even after all of these years.

 

Mickey moved his eyes to their hands as well, blinking over the freckles littered across the long, pale fingers. He smiled lazily and brought their hands up to his mouth, pressing a kiss to the back of Ian’s hand, leaving his lips on there for a second before letting their hands drop to Ian’s chest again.

 

Then, he flipped himself over so that he was laying on his stomach, half on Ian’s, their eyes connecting, faces closed. Sometimes, like now, Mickey was still amazed at how kind those green eyes were. How welcoming, and how sweet.

 

Even after everything they had been through, and all of the mistakes they had all made, once in a while Mickey still wondered what exactly it was he had done that had made him deserve somebody as amazing as Ian.

 

It was on the very tip of his tongue. ’ _I love you_ ’. Mickey swallowed it down and settled on something else.

 

”You too” Ian raised his eyebrows, surprised at the words, since it was the first time Mickey had said them since they had reconnected. It may not be the full three words, but it was good enough for now. Ian groaned in desperation and placed his free hand on the back of Mickey’s neck, tugging him down for a searing kiss.

 

Mickey immediately parted his lips, bit bottom one slipping in between Ian’s, their tongues expertly sliding over each other after years of practice. Mickey was in a haze, all of his senses filled with nothing but Ian, just the way he liked it. He would never trade this man for anything, not ever.

 

”Fuck” Ian sighed into his mouth once they had pulled apart.

 

They smiled at each other for a beat before Mickey flipped back onto his back, and Ian pulled him even closer - not that it should really be physically possible. His nose ended up in Mickey’s hair, and his thumb ran back and forth over his, their fingers still interlocked.

 

”Hey, um… Can I ask you something?” Mickey frowned at Ian’s question, but hummed, feeling his eyelids grow heavy. ”I know it’s only been a couple of months since we’ve been back together, but I’m going back up to Chicago to spend christmas with Lip, and I kind of really don’t wanna spend it without you, so I was wondering if…” He trailed off, waiting for Mickey to fill in the rest.

 

”You want us to come to spend christmas with your douchey brother?” Mickey asked, and Ian snorted.

 

”Unless you got something else lined up, yeah. Mandy and Lana, too. If they want to”

 

”Nah, we got nothing else. We usually spend every other year with Iggy, but we went last year” Mickey explained.

 

”I just figured maybe it would be good for all of us, you know? To get out for a few days, see something else?” Even though Ian couldn’t currently see Mickey’s face in anything but the black television screen, he knew that he was frowning, thinking it over.

 

Mickey couldn’t help but agree with the statement that it would be good for them to have some kind of vacation, even if it was up to Chicago in the winter. They had all been through a lot, trapped in their own heads. Maybe it would be extra good for Briana, help her mental healing process along further.

 

”Do they know about me?” Mickey didn’t know that the question had been on the tip of his tongue before it was out of his mouth. In fact, he hadn’t even given it a thought until just now.

 

”They…” Ian started. ”They know I have a boyfriend. They don’t know it’s you. Mostly because I didn’t know if you wanted me to tell them” Mickey nodded, actually very pleased with that answer.

 

”Alright” He finally sighed in agreement. ”We’ll go spend christmas with your asshole brother”

 

”Yeah?” Ian asked, and even before Mickey turned his head up to look at him, he could hear the grin on his face.

 

”Why the fuck not? Yeah” Mickey confirmed, and Ian dipped his head, molding their grins together into a perfect kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos, comments, thoughts, and theories are always welcome! <3


	19. Home This Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”What’s that for?” Ian shrugged, leaning their foreheads together.
> 
>  ”I love you. You’re beautiful. Can’t I say things without needing a reason?” As corny and as cheesy and as cliché as the words were, Mickey found them nothing short of perfect as he leaned forwards to press a kiss to his boyfriend’s lips.

As the snow fell - well, somewhere in the world, at least - a few weeks later, the entire Milkovich clan along with Ian started packing their bags and prepare for their trip up to Chicago.

 

At first, Yevgeny and Briana hadn’t been too keen on the idea to spend christmas with Ian’s family, a bunch of people they didn’t know. ’But you’re supposed to spend christmas with family, people you fucking love, all that shit’ had been Briana’s exact words.

 

Yevgeny had said something very similar, but in the end, once they realized that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all, they agreed. And if it was, they would all have each other.

 

”You got everything?” Ian asked, walking into Mickey’s bedroom and folding his blue, new washed sweatshirt down into his bag.

 

Mickey was standing on the side of the bed, the headboard to his right as he looked down at the bag in front of him.

 

”Uh…” Mickey started. ”Clothes, toothbrush. Yeah, I think I’m good” He nodded, not looking up.

 

Ian smirked and walked over to him, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist, leaning his head on his shoulder.

 

Mickey smiled and leaned into it, his hands falling on top of Ian’s.

 

”Lube and condoms?” Ian asked lowly, pulling Mickey’s shirt down a little bit to press a slightly open mouthed kiss to his shoulder. Mickey hummed, closing his eyes, feeling the pleasant burn of his touch.

 

”We’re going to your brother’s” Mickey reminded him, struggling to keep his voice from wavering because Ian was still mouthing at his skin, his tongue rubbing steady circles, no doubt trying to make a mark.

 

Mickey didn’t mind it too much anymore. Back when they had been younger, as much as he had enjoyed it when Ian had sucked on his neck, he had hated having to cover the marks up.

 

Now, though, they were both older and everyone around them knew that they were together, so he didn’t give as much of a fuck. Besides, even if it made him sound like a complete teenager, he kind of liked seeing the evidence on his pale skin.

 

Ian just hummed at Mickey’s statement, a hand slipping down to palm him through his jeans, the other one staying safely wrapped around his frame.

 

”You think I’m gonna be able to keep my hands off of you for a week?” Mickey’s eyes were still closed as he started rocking back a little bit, rubbing his ass against Ian’s quickly growing bulge. ”No fucking way” Ian answered his own question, tugging Mickey’s earlobe in between his lips. ”Way too sexy for that”

 

”Fuck” Mickey cursed, turning around and crashing his lips to Ian’s, their tongues immediately colliding, slipping over each other with way too much saliva in between for it to be anything but a sloppy, passionate kiss.

 

Ian nipped at Mickey’s bottom lip as he leaned over, pushing his suitcase away so that Mickey could fall back onto the freshly made bed. Ian climbed on top of him, and Mickey whined into his mouth slightly, tugging at the thin, white v neck covering his boyfriend’s chest.

 

Ian deepened the kiss one final time before pulling away and peeling the clothing piece off of his body. Mickey sat up slightly, not making it all the way since his abnormally tall partner was straddling his waist.

 

Ian threw his shirt to the side and then helped Mickey off with his before laying back down again, his lips crash landing onto Mickey’s.

 

The kisses were full of desperation, need and lust, just like the rest of their actions.

 

One of Mickey’s hands went to the back of Ian’s head, tugging on the long, red strands. His hair was probably inches longer than Mickey had ever seen it before, but fuck if it wasn’t the hottest hairstyle Ian had ever sported during the years they had known each other.

 

Mickey’s free hand went down to Ian’s ass, kneading it through the rough fabric and separating his own legs so that he could grind down, their boners growing even harder at the friction.

 

”Fuck” Mickey hiccuped into his mouth, and Ian’s tongue danced over his, drinking in the toxically addictive taste. ”Off”

 

Ian could barely make out the word mumbled into the kiss, but he got it, reaching down to undo his jeans, never breaking the kiss.

 

Soon, both pairs were pushed down and thrown to the side along with their boxers, because they were anything but patient seeing as they technically had to be out of the house in half an hour to catch their flight on time.

 

Mickey was still fisting Ian’s red hair as they kissed, lips nipping at each other, tongues tangling together, teeth grazing over lips. His legs wrapped around Ian’s waist tugging him down, their cocks slipping over each other, somewhat slick from the precome dripping out of them.

 

”Fuck” Ian sighed, his finger tips digging into the flesh of Mickey’s waist. ”Need you”

 

Mickey hummed in agreement, and they pulled away, Ian staying on top of Mickey as he reached over to the nightstand for the lube and a condom. He sat up a little bit, one leg on either side of Mickey as he threw the rubber to the side and popped the cap off of the lube.

 

”Still stretched from last night, just do it” Mickey protested, his hands now resting on Ian’s thighs.

 

”Yeah? Sure?” Ian asked, looking down at him. Mickey nodded.

 

”We don’t got a lot of time, get on me”

 

With that green light, Ian laid back down on top of Mickey, their mouths clashing together again. The heavy makeout session was starting to sting their lips in that perfectly delicious way.

 

As Ian pulled away from the kiss to tear the condom open, Mickey pressed his lips to the pale skin right above his collar bone, letting his tongue rub small shapes, his lips stuck, sucking, causing small moans to tumble out from in between Ian’s lips as his eyes struggled to stay open long enough for him to roll the condom on and get some lube over it.

 

When he was prepared, Ian pushed Mickey’s head out of his neck to press their lips together again, his hands on either side of his face, thumbs resting on his chin as their lips worked over each other.

 

Mickey’s heels rested on Ian’s ass as his cock pressed against his still partly stretched hole.

 

”Good?” Ian asked into his mouth, and Mickey nodded, his hands going to the hair again. Ian sighed into another, deep kiss right as he eased into Mickey.

 

Mickey winced at the slight pinch of going without extra lube, but he got lost in the kiss, and soon, the stinging turned into bliss as Ian bottomed out.

 

He stayed like that for a second, letting them both mold into each other before he pulled out again, timing it so that the kiss deepened right as he rolled his hips, thrusting back in.

 

A moan welled up in Mickey’s throat and Ian swallowed it, starting to thrust his hips, building up a good pace. It wasn’t too fast and brutal, but it wasn’t quite making love either. It was fucking perfect, and Mickey was completely lost in his boyfriend as the tip of his cock nudged his prostate.

 

The kiss kept going, albeit sloppily as Ian swallowed Mickey’s moans, their bodies moving together perfectly.

 

Mickey’s fingertips dug into the back of Ian’s neck, holding him down into the kiss, some of the hair still slipped in between his fingers. His heels pressed against Ian’s ass, urging him on as he fucked his boyfriend.

 

They didn’t say much, quiet moans and groans were mostly what filled the room but they tried to keep as quiet as they could since they weren’t alone in the house.

 

Mickey’s stomach knotted when Ian kept stabbing at his prostate, driving them both closer to the edge. Ian pulled away from the kiss, only to tug at Mickey’s bottom lip teasingly before going back in ever deeper.

 

”Fuck” Mickey hiccuped, feeling himself sprint closer and closer to the edge. ”Close” He sighed, but before either of them could tumble over the edge;

 

”Hey, dad? - Oh, fuck, sorry!” They were ripped out of the moment by Brian’s yell and then the door slamming behind him as he quickly made his way out of the room again.

 

”Oh, fuck. Get off!” Mickey cursed, pushing Ian off of his body.

 

Ian sighed, but pulled out and eased himself to stand up, albeit wobbly from his almost high, his hands running over his head and through his long hair.

 

Mickey sighed at the empty feeling, still spread out horizontally on the bed, eyes closed as he caught his breath and tried to calm down.

 

”Fuck” He sighed, running a hand over his face once he had gathered up enough strength.

 

”It’s alright, Mick” Ian spoke lowly. ”He’s seventeen, it’s not like we’re gonna have that awkward moment where we have to explain what we were doing”

 

Mickey nodded, he had a point. They were also lucky that it was Brian, he knew that they could just ignore this and move past it, skip any awkwardness. Had it been Briana, Mickey would have felt as if she had been scarred for life, especially now. And Yevgeny would have teased the fuck out of them for days.

 

”Help me up” Mickey sighed then, and Ian grabbed one of his hands, pulling him up to stand.

 

”You good?” Ian asked, Mickey nodded.

 

”Should probably finish packing” They kissed lightly, and then Ian rolled the condom off of his soft dick, throwing it to the side before they did just that.

 

  
The trip went pretty smoothly. The car ride was quiet, and except for some annoying chattering between Mandy and Briana that nobody else really cared to listen to, the short flight was too.

 

Ian fell asleep for about an hour, head rested onto Mickey’s shoulder.

 

He couldn’t help but smile at how normal it was, to just have your partner fall asleep like that. He liked it, it felt soft… domestic.

 

Mandy looked at them a couple of times out of the corner of her eye. Sometimes her brother could look so old these days. With the reading glasses and the prominent frown lines in his forehead whenever he wasn’t smiling.

 

But then again, at times like this, they both could look so young. So in love. Just as they had been all those years ago.

 

  
When their cabs pulled up to Lip’s house, Mickey couldn’t keep his lips from parting.

 

”Ian, are you fucking serious?” He asked without taking his eyes off of the building.

 

”What?” His partner asked, unclipping his seatbelt. ”I told you they lived in a big house”

 

”Yeah, a big fucking house. This is a mansion” Mickey protested, and Ian chuckled.

 

”Not really” He spoke, and Mickey just turned his head to look at him, raising his eyebrows.

 

”Yeah, it fucking is” Ian just smiled, placing his hand against Mickey’s cheek.

 

”So?” Mickey rolled his eyes and leaned into the kiss.

 

”Hey, can you not do that here? I’ve seen enough” Brian spoke from Ian’s other side. Mickey pulled away from the kiss, rolling his eyes before flipping his son off.

 

”Let’s go” Ian said, and they all stepped out of the car into the ankle deep snow.

 

”This is so fucking cool” Briana said as she got out of the other cab. She was referring to all of it, the sight ahead of them.

 

The huge, white house, covered in the beautiful white powder that her and her siblings hadn’t gotten the chance to experience in years.

 

Yevgeny pulled his blonde hair back into a manbun and then tugged the gray hood of the sweatshirt over his face to try to escape some of the cold air hugging his body.

 

Mickey took a deep breath as Ian reached down to lace their fingers together. If Mickey was honest, he was kind of nervous. From what he understood, Ian’s siblings still didn’t know that Ian’s new boyfriend was in fact his old boyfriend. Fuck knows how they would all end up reacting.

 

Mickey swallowed and turned to his partner, thankful that their other family members were far enough away that they wouldn’t hear.

 

”You think they’re gonna be pissed at you for this?” He asked, and Ian frowned.

  
”Pissed about what?”

 

”Bringing me here like this” Mickey clarified. ”Not telling them, they never liked me for this, you don’t gotta pretend that they did.

 

Ian sighed, the look on his cold face softening as he placed his hands against Mickey’s, his thumbs resting on his chin.

 

”I love you, Mickey. They got a problem with that, then they have a problem with me” Mickey smiled, for now choosing to ignore what a complete line that was and enjoy it.

 

”’S a pretty good answer” He said, and Ian grinned, nodding, pressing a quick kiss to his lips. ”Alright. Let’s fucking do this” Mickey said when they had pulled apart.

 

”Your brother a millionaire or some shit?” Yevgeny asked his father’s partner as they made their way up towards the house.

 

”Or something, I guess” Ian nodded. ”I don’t really ask”

 

Briana tucked her hand into the front pocket of her jeans, hiding her chin in the collar of her sweatshirt as Ian knocked on the big door a couple of times before letting himself in.

 

They all sighed at being inside, escaping the cold for now as they stomped off the snow.

 

”Fuck” Mandy cursed, taking the house in.

 

They entered right into a living room, the candles next to the television were casting light shadows onto the dark hardwood floors. The white walls were bare, and as intimidating as the house had looked from the outside, this wasn’t so bad.

 

It looked pretty normal - huge - but normal.

 

”Uncle Ian!” They were all ripped out of their haze by three kids running towards them from the left.

 

”Hey!” Ian chuckled, squatting, wrapping his arms around all of them. They were all boys. Two of them were blonde, and the brunet looked a little bit older, maybe ten or eleven.

 

”Did you get us presents?”

 

”What did you get us?” Ian laughed for a bit, and Mickey couldn’t help but look down at him and smile at how naturally and beautifully he acted with them.

 

Something winced inside of him at the thought that he and Ian weren’t together in that era of their lives when kids were a possibility. There were a million sad thought trails he could wander down in that fashion, but he chose to shake it off. Now was really not the time.

 

”Yes, I got you presents” Ian said. ”But today isn’t christmas, remember? You have to wait” The kids groaned and let go of him, although the two oldest ones nodded.

 

”We know” Ian smiled, and lifted the littlest one up, turning to his other family. He grabbed onto Ian’s jacket, and Briana smiled at him.

 

”Guys, this is my nephews. This is Charlie” He introduced.

 

”Hey, Charlie” Mandy cooed. The boy couldn’t be more than three, maybe four years old.

 

”And this is Connor” Ian said then, putting his hand on the one who looked a little bit older. ”They’re Lip’s, and this is Hugh” He finished, gesturing to the boy who looked the oldest. ”He’s Fiona’s”

 

Mickey, Brian, Briana, Yevgeny, Mandy and Lana all said hello to the kids, and within a couple of seconds, a girl came walking down the stairs, light brown hair swung over one of her shoulders.

 

”I thought I heard something!” She said, walking down to them. ”Ian!”

 

”Hey” He said warmly, hugging her quickly before turning back to his partner and his family. ”Guys, this is Lip’s wife Amanda, Amanda, this is my partner, Mickey. His kids, Brian, Briana and Yevgeny. His sister Mandy and his wife Lana” Ian introduced, gesturing to the people as he spoke the names.

 

Mickey’s stomach warmed up at the fact that Ian used the term ’partner’ and not ’boyfriend’. It felt more grown up, more serious. More permanent.

 

Amanda smiled at them and shook their hands one by one.

 

”It’s so nice to meet all of you” When she got to Briana she was a little bit surprised to see her right sleeve tucked into the sweatshirt. ”Oh, you’re um… I’m so sorry”

 

Briana forced herself to smile as she shook her head.

 

”It’s fine. I’m over it” She half lied. She may not be over losing her arm, but she sure as fuck was over getting the ’I’m sorry’s. They weren’t doing much to make her feel better.

 

Yevgeny rubbed her arm a little bit to catch her attention. When their eyes connected he raised his eyebrows. ’You okay?’ She smiled and nodded. ’I’m fine. Promise’

 

”Guys, they’re here!” Amanda turned around and called then. ”Come on in”

 

They all toed off their shoes and hung up their jackets, grateful to be warm again. Ian handed Charlie off to his mother and wrapped an arm around Mickey’s waist, pulling him close in to his side.

 

”It’s gonna be fine” He whispered, lips against his temple. He knew that if Mickey was nervous, he showed only a fraction of it, so he was most likely pretty nerve wracked to see whether Lip and Fiona would chase him out of the house or not.

 

Well, they probably wouldn’t be that cruel, but you get the point. Mickey leaned into the touch right as Fiona and Lip made their way out of the kitchen.

 

To Mickey, they looked the same as they had twenty years ago. Fiona was wearing a beige, knitted sweater with one of those big collars that folded over your shoulders. She had big golden hoop earrings on, maybe to make herself look younger than she was. Her brown hair was the exact same as it always had been, falling over her back and shoulders.

 

Lip looked a little bit older than he had the last time Mickey saw him - understandably. But he dressed the same, walked the same. His ugly fucking hair was even the same.

 

”Hey!” Fiona had a big grin on her face as she stepped forwards to hug her little brother. Ian returned it warmly. ”I haven’t seen you in forever, how are you doing? You alright?” She asked, stepping back, keeping her hands on his shoulders.

 

”I’m fine, Fi” He nodded, giving Lip a quick hug, their hands dunking their backs.

 

”Good to see you, bro” Lip said.

 

”Where’s this amazing boyfriend I’ve been hearing so much about, huh?” Fiona asked.

 

Ian had let go of Mickey in order to hug his siblings, and Mickey had slipped backwards a little bit, but now he straightened his shoulders and took a step forwards.

 

”Hey, Fiona. Good to see you again” He said, trying to sound like as much of a grown up as he could.

 

Fiona’s face was wiped free of the smile as her eyes focused on Mickey. Then she looked back to Ian.

 

”Mickey?” Ian smiled, pulling Mickey closer to his side again. ”But I - You said you met someone new?” She asked him, and Ian just shook his head.  
 ”I said I met someone, Fi. You filled in the rest”

 

”You two have been together in the past?” Amanda asked, and Mandy nodded.

 

”They were together twenty years ago, they just got back together a few months ago” She filled her in, looking at her ex boyfriend’s current wife.

 

If she was honest, fifteen years ago maybe she would have had some sour feelings about it, but right now, she didn’t. Her and Lip’s relationship was since long water under the bridge and if she was honest, he wasn’t even that hot to her anymore.

 

”Oh my god, that’s so sweet” Amanda said, and Yevgeny nodded.

 

”Isn’t it?” Mickey had a smile on his face, unable to keep it hidden.

 

”That’s pretty cool. Glad you’re happy, bro” Was all Lip said.

 

It wasn’t a secret that Mickey and Lip had never really gotten along too too well, but if they could keep from screaming at each other, Ian was happy.

 

”That is really sweet” Fiona nodded, the smile returning to her face. ”Give me a hug?” She asked Mickey, stretching her arms out.

 

Mickey rolled his eyes, but took a step forwards, doing just that. Fiona placed her hand on the back of his head.

 

”Think you’re getting soft at your age” Mickey couldn’t help the shot, and it earned him a punch in the side from Ian’s sister.

 

”Don’t make me do that to your face” She warned as they let go.

 

Ian smiled at their bickering, thankful that this had gone over as smoothly as it had.

 

”These are my kids” Mickey said then, turning to the side. ”Brian and Briana” Fiona and Lip shook their hands, smiling politely, thankfully not immediately asking how he had kids. ”And Yevgeny”

 

”Yevgeny?” Fiona asked, looking up at the abnormally tall young man. ”The last time I saw you, Ian could hold you over his head”

 

Briana chuckled, and Yevgeny nodded.

  
”It’s been a while”

 

”It has” Fiona agreed. Then she turned to Mandy and Svetlana. ”It’s really nice to see you both again”

 

They both smiled, trying to keep from saying something snarky. Neither of them had ever really been that into Ian’s sister. Twenty years hadn’t changed that very much. Alas, they kept smiling and they shook her hand.

 

They all shook Lip’s hand as well, and thankfully, it didn’t seem weird between Mandy and Lip at all. Mandy had to admit, she had been kind of scared that there would be some kind of awkward tension, but apparently twenty years had not only washed away their feelings for each other, it had also washed away any remaining strain.

 

”You’re married?” He asked, looking down at her ring. She nodded.

 

”Yeah. We are” Mandy spoke, taking Svetlana’s hand.

 

Lip and Fiona both seemed surprised, but nodded.

 

”I’m really happy for you two” Fiona smiled gladly. ”How long?”

 

”Few years now” Svetlana answered.

 

”Well…” Amanda interrupted them all. ”There’s four guest bedrooms you can use however you want” She spoke, gesturing up the stairs behind her. ”Maybe you want to unpack before you do anything else?”

 

Mickey’s family all nodded, and then they made their way up the stairs, thankful to not have to stand so close together anymore. It was too hot.

 

Mickey and Ian took a room, Mandy and Svetlana another one. Brian and Yevgeny decided to share, leaving Briana with her own, something she didn’t object to by any means.

  
  
”Holy fuck” Mickey said when their door closed behind him and Ian. The room was almost bigger than the one he had back home. It even looked to have a connected bathroom. The wall behind the huge bed seemed to be make out of dark wood, giving all of it a rustic look along with the white, puffy, hotel like sheets.

 

When he turned to look at his partner, Ian was smiling at him.

 

”All the guest rooms look like this?” Ian shook his head.

 

”Nah, this is the master”

 

”Master guest bedroom? There even such a thing?” Ian chuckled, nodding.

 

”When you live in a mansion, apparently” He spoke, taking a step closer, wrapping his arms around Mickey’s waist, pressing their chests together.

 

Mickey let his eyes wander around the room for another moment before letting his eyes fall onto Ian’s.

 

”You’re so beautiful” Mickey frowned, wrapping his arms around Ian’s neck. Twenty years ago, he probably would have frowned, left Ian with a snarky comment as he shook it off to keep from blushing.

 

He didn’t feel the need to do any of that now, though. Instead he just let the smile form on his lips.

 

”What’s that for?” Ian shrugged, leaning their foreheads together.

 

”I love you. You’re beautiful. Can’t I say things without needing a reason?” As corny and as cheesy and as cliché as the words were, Mickey found them nothing short of perfect as he leaned forwards to press a kiss to his boyfriend’s lips.

 

”Yeah” He whispered when they had pulled apart. ”You can. You too”

 

Ian was beautiful and he loved him. Even if he never really found the right time or the right words to say those things, he really hoped that Ian knew.

 

When the Milkovich clan made it down to the kitchen, Lip was sitting by the kitchen table drinking beer along with who Mickey assumed was Fiona’s husband.

 

”Hey, Gus” Ian said, nodding to Fiona’s husband, who lifted his hand in hello.

 

Fiona and Amanda stood by the kitchen island, talking.

 

They all spread out over the house and the kitchen. Ian and Mickey went over to his sister.

 

”Where’s the rest?” Ian asked, referring to Debbie, Carl and Liam, along with their families. Well, Debbie’s family at least. Carl and Liam didn’t have any of their own yet.

 

”Oh, they’re not here yet” Fiona said, walking over to the fridge to grab two beers, handing one to Ian and one to Mickey. Mickey nodded in thanks. ”Debbie, Carlos and Liam are gonna be here later tonight and Carl’s coming tomorrow”

 

”Debbie married?” Mickey asked, cracking his beer open.

 

”Yeah” Ian said. ”About five years now” Mickey nodded.

 

”Ian” Fiona asked then, walking around the kitchen counter to get closer to her brother so that she could reach up and tug on the red hair. ”When are you gonna let me cut this, huh?”

 

”Hey” He batted her hand away, gulping down the beer. Mickey chuckled. ”You’re not cutting my hair”

 

”Why not?” She asked. ”I did it all the time growing up”

 

”Yeah” Ian nodded. ”And it always looked horrible, back me up here, babe” Mickey’s stomach warmed at the careless use of the nickname.

 

Maybe it was the strangely warm welcome he had gotten from Ian’s family, or maybe it was the snow falling outside of the window. Or maybe it was just the fucking holidays, but either way, he could feel himself grow softer. He didn’t really know how he felt about that.

 

”Nah, you don’t need to cut it” Mickey mumbled, taking a step closer. Ian accepted him into his zone, wrapping an arm around him. Fiona tried to hide her smile at the PDA when Ian pressed a kiss to his temple, but she didn’t quite succeed at that task. ”Looks fucking sexy” Mickey added then, reaching up to run his fingers through the red strands.

 

Ian grinned down at him.

 

”What about the buzzcut he had that one summer?” Fiona asked. ”That looked pretty good too. And I wouldn’t be able to mess up. Please, Ian. You look like a hobo”

 

Ian sighed, gnawing at his bottom lip. He had to admit, the hair actually had been bothering him lately. It was way past his ears by now.

 

He looked down at Mickey, who shrugged.

  
 ”Will you still love me if I let her buzz it off?” Ian asked, and Mickey chuckled, punching his side lightly.

 

”Always”

 

”Always” Ian repeated, and time stopped for a second as their eyes connected. They kissed. Quickly, because Ian knew that that wasn’t something Mickey was crazy about doing in front of other people. ”Alright, fuck” Ian said then, running his hand through the red strands on top of his head, mentally saying goodbye. ”Get the razor”

 

  
Mickey was in the living room as he heard the slight buzzing of Ian’s hair falling to the floor. He had to admit he loved it, but he knew that Ian didn’t, so he hadn’t said anything about it.

 

”You alright, bud?” He asked, walking over to Brian who was sitting on the couch amidst the christmas decorations, typing away on his phone.

 

”Uh…” Brian said absentmindedly, finishing something before looking up. ”I’m fine” Mickey nodded.

 

”You’re okay with… what happened, right? I just wanna make sure” Mickey asked then.

 

It was a little bit awkward to acknowledge it, but the last thing he wanted to do was let it go if there was the slightest chance that Brian was walking around, unable to do the same and feeling weird about it.

 

”Daddy, are you and Ian gonna have a baby together now?”

 

”Smartass” Mickey swatted his arm.

 

”I’m fine” Brian said seriously then, and Mickey nodded.

 

”That’s all I wanted”

 

”Woah” Brian said then, looking behind Mickey, causing him to turn around. Ian was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, no more than a couple of inches of hair on top of his head.

 

”Fuck” Mickey said, standing up and walking over to him.

 

”Still love me?” Ian asked, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend, pulling him close. Mickey hummed, reaching up to run his hand over the buzzed hair.

”It’s hot”

 

Ian smiled down at him, stomach warm.

 

”You have to kiss” Mickey frowned, looking down at Lip’s youngest son who was pointing to something over their heads. When Mickey looked back up at Ian, his neck was stretched, eyes on the mistletoe dangling over them.

 

”Guess it’s a rule, huh?” Mickey asked, and Ian looked back at him, nodding. They grinned into the perfect kiss, closing their eyes, wrapping their arms tighter around each other as they enjoyed it.

 

The sparks in the pit of Mickey’s stomach turned into a full on fire, just as it always did, Ian’s tongue swiping over his bottom lip, asking for entrance.

 

Mickey granted it to him, tugging him even closer as he melted into the love of his life.

 

”Always” Ian whispered, when they had pulled apart, his breath fanning over Mickey’s mouth.

 

”Always” Mickey whispered back.

 

”Oh, fuck. Just get married already!” Someone called.

 

Their hearts started beating faster at the thought, but for completely different reasons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't post anything tomorrow, so - happy holidays!
> 
> They will all catch up and talk more in the next couple of chapters, this was just to kind of get everything started. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are very appreciated. Hope you all have an amazing day! <3
> 
> (Oh, and ps; Does anybody else hate this new text posting system thingy? I loved the fact that everything I pasted into it ended up in one big block so that I could space it out again and find mistakes. Eh)


	20. You're My One And Only (Christmas Wish)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wasn’t naive enough to think that everybody found their soulmate in their life, that wasn’t possible. But he was positive that Mickey was his, and it wasn’t even the influence of the show and the christmas decorations.

Mickey did his best to forget all about Mandy’s comment, and they all went on with the night. It wasn’t too eventful, considering the fact that Mickey and Ian - along with everyone else with them - had just gotten in a few hours ago.

 

A couple of hours after Ian got his haircut found Ian and Mickey alone in the livingroom, sitting on the couch. Mickey sat slightly turned towards him, and Ian’s arm was resting on his waist.

 

Mickey could help but smile as his eyes wandered over Ian’s head. He had to admit, it brought back both bad and amazing memories.

 

Of course Ian didn’t look quite the same as he had that summer - he had been seventeen, he looked way more like a man now. But that didn’t change the fact that the buzzcut had to be one of the hottest hairstyles Ian had ever had - if not _the._

 

”You like it?” Ian asked again as Mickey reached up, unable to keep from running a hand over it. He hummed, keeping the hand on Ian’s head as he looked down, their eyes connecting.

 

”I’ll miss tugging at it” Mickey admitted, and Ian hummed.

 

”Me too” Mickey grinned, completely unable to keep himself from it. Everything just seemed to perfect.

 

”But…” He said then. ”It’s fucking hot” Ian returned the grin, the smile so bright it could probably light up an entire city. He leaned in, and Mickey met him half way, their lips pressing together.

 

Mickey’s eyes fell closed as Ian’s lips worked against his. He could physically feel his body spark, as if he were to touch an electric fence. At first, it had scared him to death. That he could love one single person that much, that that happened whenever they kissed or even brushed hands.

 

But as time had gone on, Mickey had realized that - much like his sexual orientation to begin with - it wasn’t something that he would ever be able to change.

 

That one day oh so long ago on the roof of the abandoned building, the time when Ian had said ’ _He isn’t afraid to kiss me_ ’

 

That had been the day that Mickey had made up his mind. He wouldn’t be scared anymore, he wouldn’t fight the love that he so obviously carried around for Ian.

 

Sure, he had been scared after that day, and then again and then again. But not really in the same way. Mickey loved Ian, as evidenced by the warm feeling in his stomach whenever Ian so much as tugged his lips upwards.

 

He loved Ian and he loved to see him happy.

 

The kiss deepened ever so slightly, but they didn’t go further since all of the others were just in the kitchen a few feet away.

 

Ian’s hand stayed on Mickey’s waist, his tongue sliding surely over his, the fire in the base of their stomachs reminding them just why they had found their way back to each other.

 

How the fuck they had both made it twenty fucking years without this - this spark, this comfort, this love - that would probably always remain a mystery.

 

  
Amanda’s eyes wandered over her sons and nephew, standing with Fiona in the kitchen, helping her decorate the gingerbread cookies. Very soft christmas music was playing in the background s they all got in the spirit despite the fact that it wasn’t actually christmas for another few days.

 

”They’re adorable” Mandy said, taking another ornament and gluing it to the half bare wreath they were halfheartedly working on together.

 

”Yeah” Amanda sighed. ”I’m lucky”

 

Despite the fact that Amanda had been surprised when she had first realized that Mandy was her husband’s ex girlfriend, it hadn’t taken many minutes before they had started talking, easily getting alone.

 

”You and Svetlana have never thought about having any?” She asked then, and Mandy shook her head with a small smile on her face.

 

”No. We helped raise Yev and the twins. That’s enough. I feel like we’ve already done it all” She explained through a small chuckle.

 

  
Meanwhile, Yevgeny and Briana were sitting out on the so called porch right outside of the big door, chins hid in their sweatshirts as they sipped the hot chocolate Fiona had made everybody a while earlier.

 

Briana’s hand was curled around the tall christmas themed mug, feeling the warmth seep into her arm and body.

 

”You been brave enough to take the bandage off yet?” Yevgeny asked. Briana shook her head.

 

The truth was that she had been eligible to take the white cover off of her stump for several weeks now, but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. She had started switching them up a little bit less - something she had by now learned to do on her own - but she never left it off.

 

She couldn’t quite explain it. When she had the bandage on, it was an injury. But as soon as she took it off, she was just… an amputee. A girl with only one arm.

 

She wasn’t injured anymore, she wasn’t… eh. Briana had a very hard time finding the right words to explain it, and somewhere along the way, she had stopped trying. Even to herself.

 

”Tell me if you need help with that, right?” Yevgeny said then, to which Briana nodded some more. She knew that he didn’t only mean help with taking it off, but more so the mental part of it, which she appreciated even more.

 

Thankfully, no one in Ian’s family had mentioned her arm. Sure, the kids looked sometimes, maybe they wondered, but they didn’t ask. Maybe Ian had told them not to, she didn’t know.

 

But either way, she was grateful. Briana was just starting to heal herself, the last thing she needed was to recap everything.

 

”I’m really happy for dad” She said suddenly. She hadn’t even been aware of the words passing through her brain before they tumbled out of her mouth, but Yevgeny hummed.

 

”Yeah, me too” He agreed. ”Ian’s amazing, they seem so happy”

 

  
Ian came up behind Mickey and wrapped a strong arm around his waist, tugging him closer to him, his nose ending up in the black hair.

 

”Are you eavesdropping on your kids?” Ian whispered his question, and Mickey waved him off, quietly tugging the half open window closed before turning around to look up at him. He wrapped his arms around his waist right back, and Ian leaned their foreheads together.

 

”We are” Ian spoke lowly, letting Mickey know that he had overheard Yevgeny and Briana’s conversation as well.

 

”Yeah, we are” Mickey agreed.

 

  
Yet another couple of hours later, Debbie, Liam and her husband walked through the door and they were greeted by warm hugs and jumping kids.

 

”Ian” Debbie said, wrapping her arms around her older brother. Liam did the same, and Ian and Carlos - as Mickey had soon learned Debbie’s husband’s name was - shook hands.

 

”Debs, Liam” Ian said then, a hand in between Debbie’s shoulder blades as he turned them towards Mickey and his family. ”Remember Mickey?”

 

”Oh my god!” Debbie almost squealed and stepped forwards, giving Mickey a hug just as big as the one she had given Ian. ”You guys are back together?” She asked once they had parted. Mickey nodded, unable to keep the smile off of his face.

 

As grumpy as he liked to make himself out to be, he had to admit, the holidays did something to him. Made him all soft or some shit.

 

”Yeah” Ian sighed, and his green eyes fell on the blue ones. A rain of love somehow transferring. ”Liam, were you old enough, do you remember Mickey?” He asked then, turning to his twenty five year old brother, who nodded.

 

”I think so, yeah. Good to see you, man” He reached a hand forwards, taking Mickey’s.

 

After all of the hello’s and the ’Oh my god, it’s been so long!’s, most of the crowd shuffled into the kitchen, leaving Ian and Mickey behind.

 

Ian was about to follow, when Mickey fisted his shirt, pulling him back, their chests crashing into each other. Ian grinned, and they didn’t exchange a single word as he dipped his head, capturing Mickey’s lips in between his own.

 

The holidays didn’t only make Mickey smile a little bit more, this time of year also somehow made him crave affection, kisses, something he hadn’t really noticed before.

 

Although, that may have been because he hadn’t had Ian to kiss in a long, long time. Thankfully, Ian was almost more of an affectionate person that Mickey was around this time, so he gladly kissed Mickey as much as he wanted for as long as he wanted.

 

His arms slipped around Mickey’s waist, tugging him closer, and Mickey’s went up, wrapping around his neck, pulling him down to get better leverage to slip his tongue into the redheads mouth.

 

Ian hummed, closing his eyes, his body vibrating with the public display of affection - well, semi public considering the fact that nobody was actually in the room with them.

 

Mickey pulled away and teasingly nipped at Ian’s lips before going back in, his tongue sliding safely over Ian’s, the kiss slowly growing more and more passionate.

 

”Fuck” Ian breathed, pushing Mickey away. ”We have to get up to our room. Now”

 

  
Mickey frowned, slowly waking up from his deep sleep. He had had some kind of sex dream, but as he woke up more, it faded away and was replaced by the real thing, he realized.

 

His legs were spread almost as far as they went, Ian bobbing his head up and down his shaft like a fucking pornstar. Mickey’s eyes were still clenched shut, but at this point, it was more because of pleasure than because of sleep.

 

”Fuck” He hiccuped, right as he completely woke up, fully realizing where he was and what was going on under his sheets.

 

He slipped a hand down, sighing at the fact that there was no longer anything to tug on on top of his head, so his hand just ended up flat, pressing down, urging him on.

 

”Keep - ” He cut himself off with a moan, doing his best to keep the noises to a minimum being that they were far from alone in the house, big as it may be.

 

Ian stopped his movements and focused on the head of Mickey’s cock for a second, his tongue running over the slit, the salty taste of precome registering with his brain.

 

He hummed, the bastard knowing that the vibrations drove his partner insane as they rolled straight into his straining, begging, throbbing cock.

 

Then, Ian started bobbing his head again, deep throating on every other time. Mickey’s finger tips dug into his head as the tip of his cock nudged the very back of Ian’s throat over and over again.

 

”Fucking close” Mickey choked, his eyes still clenched shut, head digging deep back into the white - way too soft - pillow, teeth doing the same to his bottom lip, right as he shot his load.

 

Ian stayed put, his eyes closed as he swallowed every ounce of semen Mickey was releasing into him. Mickey mumbled curse after curse, his body tensing up, his stomach throbbing in the best way.

 

When his body finally relaxed, Ian bobbed his head a few more times to make sure he cleaned Mickey’s dick off good as new, and then he pushed the covers off of himself, crawling up the bed closer to Mickey.

 

Mickey laid an arm around his body, something that was nothing but a reflex by now.

 

”Merry christmas” Ian grinned down at him.

 

”It’s not christmas for another couple of days” Mickey pointed out, and his boyfriend shrugged.

 

”Never too early”

 

They stopped talking, their eyes locked on each other’s.

 

Ian would never cease to be amazed at how utterly and purely beautiful Mickey was, especially after a mind blowing orgasm. His lips were parted as he did his best to catch his breath. His face was flushed along with the better parts of his chest and neck. His pupils were blown, and his black hair was messy, completely free of product, a look Ian would always cherish.

  
”What?” Mickey asked soon, once he realized that Ian had no intention of stopping his staring. Ian gave him another shrug, blinking down at him softly.

 

”I just…” He started, and Mickey raised his eyebrows, for no other reason other than the fact that he wanted to know what was on his partner’s mind. ”Sometimes I still can’t believe that I have you again”

 

Mickey sighed, nodding. He knew exactly what Ian meant. Twenty years was a long fucking time, and a lot of things had had to happen the right way for them to end up here this year.

 

A lot of things could have gone wrong. They could have met someone else, they could have died, they could have been offered a job in fucking India or some shit, but they didn’t. They were here, just as in love as they had been twenty years ago. That had to be some kind of miracle.

 

”Just…” Ian added then. ”Being here with you and the kids at christmas, it’s so much more than I ever wished for”

 

It was cheesy, no doubt, but Mickey just smiled, and tightened his grip on Ian’s waist, tugging him even closer, not than it should be physically possible.

 

”I love you” Ian sighed, their foreheads dipping together.

 

”You too, Gallagher” Mickey said easily. ”You know that”

 

Ian grinned and nodded, placing his lips onto Mickey, sighing into the soft, simple kiss. Even a kiss like this, no tongue, no real saliva, it lit his nerve endings on fire, and he had to think that there was no other explanation for that other than the fact that Mickey was the love of his life.

 

He wasn’t naive enough to think that everybody found their soulmate in their life, that wasn’t possible. But he was positive that Mickey was his, and it wasn’t even the influence of the show and the christmas decorations.

 

When they pulled apart, Mickey blinked up at Ian, blown away by how good he actually looked this early in the morning.

 

It wasn’t the abs that did it, or the sharp jawline, although those things certainly didn’t hurt. It was something in his eyes. A kindness that Mickey had never quite seen in anybody else. A love.

 

He lifted his free hand, grazing his fingers over the side of Ian’s face, his beard that was now slightly trimmed again, thank god. The first couple of weeks after the shooting, Ian hadn’t had the time or the motivation to shave, something Mickey hadn’t appreciated too much.

 

Ian smiled down at him, their eyes connected as Mickey’s hand flattened, resting on Ian’s cheek, his thumb on his cheek.

 

”You’re beautiful” Ian seemed surprised by the comment, his eyebrows raising ever so slightly.

 

It wasn’t that he really doubted the fact that Mickey felt or thought those softer things, but it had never really been his thing to say them. That had always been Ian.

 

Finally, he sighed, that soft, kind smile on his face as he ran a hand through Mickey’s black hair, making it spread out a little bit on the pillow above his head.

 

”You too” He spoke, and Mickey smiled as he dipped his head, pressing their lips together into another perfect kiss. ”I love you so much, baby” Mickey tightened his grip on the love of his life, and it was enough for now.

 

A little over thirty minutes later, they both made their way down the stairs to the kitchen, dressed in nothing but sweatpants and t shirt. Thankfully, Mickey had been able to force the t shirt on Ian’s upper body so that he, himself, wouldn’t have anything inside of his pants that he would have to hide.

 

”Where is everyone?” Ian asked Fiona since the was one of the only people in the kitchen. Gus, Hugh, and Mickey’s kids were there too, but no one else was in sight.

 

”Last minute shopping” Gus informed them as Mickey gratefully accepted the cup of coffee Briana pushed his way.

 

”Me and Gus were gonna take Hugh in a while, too. You guys wanna come?” Fiona asked, flipping the omelet in the frying pan before pouring a glass of milk and pushing it in front of her son, ruffling his hair, making him groan.

 

”Mom!” Ian chuckled, and Brian and Briana couldn’t keep from doing so either.

 

”I want to go” Yevgeny nodded.

 

”I think I need to get a few things, too, I’ll come” Briana nodded.

 

”Yeah, me too” Brian said, spooning some cereal into his mouth.

 

”Alright” Fiona said. ”I think we’ll try to leave in about thirty minutes, maybe an hour. Good? Ian, you and Mickey aren’t coming?”

 

They turned their heads to look at each other, and immediately, they had one of their silent conversations. Almost as if they were talking telepathically.

 

Ian raised his eyebrows; _’We have a chance to have this entire house to ourselves, Mick’_

 

Mickey raised both of them, his tongue darting out slightly to wet his bottom lip; _’You’re fucking right’_

 

”No, we’re not going. We got everything” Mickey finally turned back to Ian’s sister and answered her question. Thankfully, she hadn’t seemed to pick up on any telepathic conversation or sexual tension between her brother and his boyfriend. She just nodded and flipped the omelet onto a plate.

 

  
The next half hour was spent in the kitchen, talking, eating, laughing about something or other that Mickey didn’t really feel the need to partake in.

 

Far from soon enough, the front door slammed shut, leaving Ian and Mickey all alone in a big ass house. Mickey didn’t even have the time to turn to Ian before Ian hoisted him up onto the kitchen island and captured his lips between his own.

 

Mickey groaned in surprise, but soon melted into it, wrapping his legs around Ian’s waist, tugging him closer. Ian’s hands rested on either side of Mickey’s waist, slightly slipped under the gray, washed out Metallica t shirt.

 

Mickey moaned at the feeling of having Ian’s hands on him, even if he technically wasn’t touching him in a sexual area.

 

”Want you so fucking bad” Ian sighed into his mouth.

  
”Yeah?” Mickey asked, pulling away from the kiss to pull Ian’s t shirt off from his body, throwing it onto the floor before smashing their lips back together. ”What makes you think I’m gonna let your horny ass just have me, huh?” He teased, his voice muffled, the words arriving straight into Ian’s mouth.

 

Ian smirked, his tongue rubbing soft circles onto the top of Mickey’s.

 

”Because you want my cock just as bad as I want your ass” Mickey groaned when Ian slipped his hands to said ass, tugging him even closer to him.

 

”Right here?” Mickey asked, currently not giving a shit that any moment Fiona could walk back in. Maybe it was the thrill of being away from home, or the thrill of fucking in someone else’s house. Or maybe it was just the fact that they were both giddy and high off of each other - either way, neither of them had been quite this horny in a long time.

 

But Ian shook his head, pulling away from the kiss, his lips red, pupils blown as he toyed with the hem of Mickey’s t shirt.

 

”Kinda wanna try out that hot tub in our bathroom” Mickey smirked, his entire body igniting at the thought. He and Ian had done a lot of shit, but they had never fucked in a hot tub before.

 

Well, there was that one time a summer when they snuck into some rich fuck’s backyard and did it in his hottub, but Mickey had been both stoned out of his mind and drunk as fuck, and Ian had been the same, manic, too, so neither of them remembered too much of that night.

 

”Who the fuck puts a hottub in a guest bathroom?” Mickey asked, but they both knew he didn’t care for an answer right now. ”Let’s go” He groaned the seconds after his first question, and Ian grinned, bending down to pick up his t shirt to make sure they didn’t leave any evidence behind, should anybody come home early.

 

Mickey was about to jump down from the kitchen island when Ian straightened up and wrapped his arms around his waist. Mickey took the hint, locking his heels together behind Ian’s back and jumping onto him.

 

Ian chuckled into a fast kiss, and then Mickey moved his mouth to his neck as Ian started to make his way out of the kitchen, handling the stairs surprisingly well.

 

Mickey knew every single one of Ian’s buttons and it didn’t take very long before he had his legs all wobbly, just from mouthing at his neck.

 

Ian’s hands were safely placed onto Mickey’s ass as they made their way into the room, Ian kicking the door closed behind them. Mickey moaned, his breath hitting the freshly made hickey as Ian kneaded his ass.

 

”Fucking want you so bad” Mickey sighed right as Ian eased him down to stand on his own. He hummed, dipping his head to press a deep, searing kiss to Mickey’s lips before forcing himself to untangle them.

 

”Couple minutes, babe. Gotta get the water” Mickey groaned a little bit at that, but Ian made it all better with another kiss before he made his way across the room to the connected bathroom, and soon, Mickey heard the water poring into the tub.

 

The thought of fucking in a hottub again actually made the tent in his sweatpants even bigger, so he didn’t mind waiting a couple of minutes for it.

 

While Ian was still in the bathroom, Mickey peeled his shirt off of his body and threw it onto the bed next to Ian’s. He ran a hand over his hair before shedding his pants too, sighing as his erection was let free, the air hitting it.

 

He made his way into the bathroom to see the huge, triangle shaped tub being filled up with water so hot it was letting off steam.

 

”Fuck” Mickey sighed when Ian smirked at him, stepping out of his sweatpants and walking over to him, wrapping an arm around his bare waist as soon as he was close enough.

 

Mickey met his kiss half way, his tongue darting into his mouth, the perfectly sweet, addictive taste coating his tongue.

 

”I’m gonna fuck you so fucking good” Ian spoke into his mouth, and Mickey’s breath hitched, both at the words and the feeling of Ian’s hand getting a steady grip on his erection, stroking it slowly. His other hand slipped down to Mickey’s ass, toying with it, pinching it and massaging the skin.

 

All Mickey could do was stand there, his lips moving against Ian’s as small moans escaped his lips at the feeling. Some precome made its way out of his cock, and Ian made use of it, spreading it out over the shaft, making it all slick and nice.

 

Another moan made its way out of Mickey’s mouth, his eyes clenched shut as Ian kept jerking him off, slowly and perfectly.

 

”Can’t fucking wait” He sighed into his mouth, leaning their foreheads together. ”Too fucking good. Need you”

 

Ian nodded, letting go of his cock and ass to place his hands onto his neck instead, his thumbs resting on Mickey’s chin as they shared another kiss, this one a lot softer and a lot more loving than the heated makeout session they had both engaged in only a few minutes ago.

 

”Come on” Ian said, pecking Mickey’s lips one more time before turning around and shutting the water off and climbing in, sinking back against the edge.

 

As soon as Mickey stepped into the water, he winced at the high temperature of the water, but in the best way.

 

”Nice?” Ian asked, and Mickey chuckled at the huge grin on his face, making his way over to him, straddling his thighs. As much as he would love to just sit in this thing some time and relax, his cock was throbbing and his ass was begging for Ian’s, so now was really not the time.

 

Ian kept the grin on his lips right up until Mickey placed a kiss onto them, then it fell off, being replaced by a euphoric look on his face as all of his senses were filled with nothing but Mickey.

 

His hands easily slipped around Mickey’s waist to keep him steady, and Mickey’s arms wound themselves around Ian’s neck, a small sound filling the room when they broke the water surface.

 

He tugged on the short strands of red hair as good as he could, grinding down a little bit to make their cocks slide over each other, creating some friction.

 

”Fuck” Ian sighed into his mouth, his hands slipping down to palm Mickey’s ass. ”Want you”

 

Mickey hummed in agreement.

 

”Stretched from last night, don’t need prep” He reminded Ian, and it may as well have been music to the redhead’s ears, because he hadn’t been this fucking horny in a while.

 

As much as he liked to take his time preparing Mickey, teasing him and watching him squirm, right now, he just wanted to fuck him.

 

He pulled away from the kiss, and Mickey placed his lips onto his neck, mouthing slightly at the already made hickey right above his collar bone as Ian reached over to the sink, opening a drawer to get lube and a condom.

 

Mickey frowned, lifting his head.

 

”Why the fuck is there stuff there?” He asked, looking down at Ian, a smirk steadily making its way across his lips. ”You fucking planned this” Ian just chuckled at that, confirming it to be true. Mickey couldn’t help but join in at the wonderful sound.

 

”What? You complaining? Because I could go out to our suitcase and grab - ” Mickey shut him up with a wet, searing kiss, and they forgot all about talking as Mickey nipped at Ian’s lips, and Ian reached for the condom, holding it out to Mickey’s mouth.

 

Mickey rolled his eyes, but grabbed a hold of it with his teeth, ripping it open, spitting the scrap piece to the side.

 

Ian pressed another kiss to his lips, unable to help himself from it. Then he took the rubber out and reached under the water, rolling it onto himself, albeit struggling slightly.

 

”Good?” Mickey asked, making sure it was on good. Ian nodded and Mickey reached for the lube, squeezing some out into his hand and reaching down, jerking Ian’s cock slowly.

 

Ian dug his teeth into his bottom lip, eyes flickering from looking at Mickey to looking at what his hand was doing to him.

 

Mickey would love to do this some time, too, just jerk Ian off and watch his reactions carefully. However, now was - as said - not the time.

 

He bit his bottom lip, mirroring Ian’s action as he threw the lubricant to the side and eased up Ian’s legs again.

 

Ian wrapped a strong arm around his waist again, grabbing a hold of his cock with the other one, placing it against Mickey’s slightly stretched hole.

 

Mickey wrapped his arms back around Ian’s neck, their foreheads leaning together as he sunk down onto Ian’s cock. Obviously, the water had washed away most of the lube, but it still helped a little bit.

 

That delicious stinging, stretching feeling that Mickey felt was still there, but it was completely manageable. He fucking loved the feeling of having Ian’s cock stretch him out, he always had, ever since he was seventeen.

 

They sighed as Ian bottomed out, his balls resting against Mickey’s ass.

 

”Good?” Ian asked, and Mickey nodded, enjoying the slight sting of the very hot water on his skin along with the wonderful, throbbing feeling of having that perfect cock inside of him again.

 

”Fucking perfect” Mickey swore, right as he lifted himself and then sank back down again. Ian captured his lips between his own, their tongues knotting together, adding to the fire in their stomachs as Mickey sat up a good pace, the water clucking, slamming against their bodies.

 

Mickey’s fingertips dug into the back of Ian’s neck, their eyes clenching shut as they kept the heated makeout session going.

 

With the weight of the water, Mickey’s thighs were already starting to strain - which may also have had something to do with the fact that he had been riding Ian non stop of fifteen minutes last night - but for some reason, he loved that feeling.

 

Ian’s hands were placed onto Mickey’s ass again, separating his cheeks and lifting him a little bit, helping him up before he could slam back down on his own.

 

”Fucking love you” Ian sighed, his hot breath hitting Mickey’s tongue. Mickey groaned.

 

”You t - fuck - you too” He stuttered, right as the tip of Ian’s cock brushed against his prostate.

 

They were both too gone, too fucked out to keep an actual kiss going, so their wet lips just rubbed against each other whenever their movements allowed it, their moans and cries spilling onto each others tongues, their sweaty skin dripping.

 

Ian’s eyes were clenched shut, his entire body throbbing at the perfect way that Mickey’s tight ass was hugging his cock.

 

”Turn” Mickey barely had any time to register the words before Ian stilled his movements eased him off of his cock, flipping him around so that Mickey’s chest was against the edge of the tub. Then Ian’s cock was back inside of him, way more powerful than the seconds before.

 

His hands curled around the edge, his screams and cries filling the steamed up room as Ian stabbed at his prostate over and over again, his tough grip on his hips sure to cause bruising.

 

”Fucking right - ” Mickey cried. ”Fucking right there! Harder, fuck! Fuck me!” Mickey was completely unable to control the cries and sobs tumbling out of his mouth, and Ian did his best to obey to his begging, slamming into him with all of the strength that he could possibly muster, the water splashing onto the floor at the force of the movements.

 

Mickey’s eyebrows knitted, his eyes clenched shut as more curses spilled out of his mouth.

 

One of Ian’s hands disappeared from his waist, but he didn’t have the time to complain before the - incredibly strong - bubbles vibrated out of the tub wall. Right onto Mickey’s fucking cock.

 

”Oh, you fucking - ” Mickey cursed, feeling as if he was on the verge of passing out from all of the insane pleasure taking over his body.

 

The vibrations of the bubbles slammed against the red tip of his cock, and Ian’s hands were back on his waist, and he was slamming himself against his prostate with more force than either of them would ever have thought possible.

 

Mickey was barely aware of the fact that he shot his load a couple of seconds later, he was too gone, the pleasure too much already that an orgasm really didn’t make much of a difference. With a couple of more thrusts, Ian came too.

 

A minute later, they were both relaxing against the edge, doing their best to catch their breaths. The tied off condom was thrown somewhere onto the floor, and Ian’s arm was wrapped around Mickey’s shoulders, his head in the crook of Ian’s neck, breathing in his scent.

 

Ian’s asshole brother aside, he had a feeling that this may very well be the best christmas of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay for this being the first fic of mine to hit over 100k!! It's probably gonna hit 200k before it's completed, but still.
> 
> Comments and kudos are always very appreciated!!
> 
> Happy holidays! <3


	21. Santa Tell Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This year was also the best christmas he had ever had because after all of the shit that they had all been through - especially Briana - they had made it here. And even though there was still some things to work through, she was smiling. That was worth more than anything.

Mickey groaned lowly, his eyebrows knitting together as he slowly was torn away from his sleep. His lips were parted slightly when consciousness returned to his body. It took a second, but soon he became aware of what was waking him up.

 

Small, soft, feathered kisses were placed all over his face. One to his right cheek. Two to his forehead. Another one to his chin. Three to his jaw.

 

Mickey tried to pretend as if he was still asleep so that he could enjoy it for a bit longer, but it was no use. His mouth formed a smile long before his eyes fluttered open.

 

Ian lifted his head away from Mickey’s face and blue eyes fell on green.

 

”Merry christmas, Mick” He whispered, his hand resting on Mickey’s neck, his thumb by his ear, circling the smooth skin softly.

 

Mickey’s smile remained on his face, he couldn’t help it. Everything was just too perfect in his life right now. He wasn’t naive enough to believe that it would last forever, of course - not a lot of things did.

 

But he and Ian were great, Briana was getting a lot better, physically as well as mentally. Yevgeny and Brian were happy, and nobody in Ian’s family was being too much of an asshole.

 

So he had decided to enjoy this for now.

 

The last few days had been pretty similar. Some people had been doing christmas arts and crafts - Mickey had decided not to partake in that particular tradition.

 

They had all watched christmas movies, talked, laughed. It actually felt like a real christmas. The kind you see in said movies.

 

But most of all, he and Ian had just been. They had kissed, fucked, they had fucking held hands and Mickey would never trade it for anything. It was almost like a dream.

 

”Merry christmas, baby” Mickey said back.

 

Ian was a little bit surprised at the use of the nickname. Mickey never said it that much, fuck, barely at all. But that didn’t mean that he didn’t absolutely love the way his voice sounded, uttering the syllables. It was nothing short of perfect.

 

Ian dipped his head, and they smiled into the kiss. Mickey’s lips closed around Ian’s, his eyes falling shut as well. He couldn’t help the sigh that happened in his throat at the feeling of kissing Ian. It felt so natural, and as fucking cheesy as it sounded, it felt as if this was where he was supposed to be.

 

Warm, in bed with Ian, their lips locked together, meters of snow outside in the freezing air. Of course, he’d rather it was their house and not Lip’s, but the point still stood.

 

Ian’s tongue ran lazily along Mickey’s bottom lip, and Mickey granted him entry, their tongues sliding over each other.

 

That addictive steady buzzing was still a constant in the pit of Mickey’s stomach as he moved his lips against Ian’s, drinking in the feeling of just being here like this.

 

Finally, they pulled apart, and Ian leaned their foreheads together. Mickey wrapped an arm around Ian’s body, it ending up resting right above his ass since he was half laying on top of Mickey’s chest.

 

Their eyes were still closed, lips slightly parted.

 

”I love you so much” Ian’s voice was quiet, as if it was private, for Mickey’s ears only despite the fact that they were alone in the room. It warmed Mickey’s body, and he tightened his grip on his body.

 

”You too” He spoke, and their eyes fluttered open at the same time, connecting with each others.

 

They were quiet for a beat before Mickey leaned in for another deep kiss, his hand slipping down to grab Ian’s ass.

 

Ian groaned into his mouth at that, nipping at Mickey’s lips as Mickey spread his legs a little bit more, making their hardened cocks slide over each other.

 

”Fuck” Ian sighed when Mickey dug his fingertips a little bit deeper into the flesh of his ass, enjoying the feeling under his palm.

 

Despite the fact that Mickey was quite obviously the bottom in their relationship - to them, at least - Ian did love it when Mickey paid attention to his ass.

 

They hadn’t gone past grabbing since they’d been back together, though.

 

Mickey’s breath hitched as Ian rolled his hips, creating some more friction between their trapped cocks.

 

Mickey tugged on Ian’s bottom lip and rocked upwards, into his partner. The hand on Ian’s ass stopped being there to tease him, and instead Mickey tightened his hold, using it to urge him to roll deeper, harder.

 

Despite the fact that Ian’s cock wasn’t actually in Mickey’s ass, they rocked into each other, groaning and moaning into their mouths, tongues sliding over each other, lips nipping, eyebrows knitting at the slowly felt their pleasure start to build.

 

”I fucking love you so much. Fuck, baby, you’re - ” Ian’s voice was cut off by another groan, and Mickey sighed, his hips rolling at a steady pace, meeting Ian’s movements. ”I love you” Ian said again, and Mickey moved the hand that wasn’t on Ian’s ass up to his neck, tugging him down for a searing kiss, praying to good that it would somehow succeed in conveying the burning, hot, uncontrollable love his had for this man, whether he was completely ready to say it or not.

 

Soon, they came with gasps and strangled groans pouring into each other’s mouths, their hot come spurting out in between their chests, gluing them together.

 

Ian collapsed fully on top of Mickey, his cheek on his chest, nose in his neck, breathing in his scent. A thin, barely there layer of sweat coated their bodies after the quick, lazy morning sex, and Mickey’s eyes fell closed as they did their best to make their breath return to them.

 

Mickey’s hand was still on Ian’s ass, albeit limp by now.

 

A couple of heavy knocks on the door dragged a groan out of Ian, and he didn’t bother lifting his head from Mickey’s body.

 

”What?” He asked loudly, and Mickey wasn’t even sure that his eyes were open.

  
”Get your dick out of my brother’s ass, we’re opening presents!” Mickey groaned and Ian eased himself off of his body before they both sat up, their bodies throbbing slightly.

 

”Presents in the morning, what the fuck?” Mickey asked Ian, rubbing his eyes free of some of the sleep now that they actually had to get up. Ian hummed, and turned to him.

 

”Tradition. We’ve always done it” Ian explained, leaning forwards and pressing a deep kiss to Mickey’s lips.

 

Mickey returned the display of affection for a minute before they finally dragged themselves out of bed.

 

  
When they walked down the stairs, most of the others were already in the living room, all of them still dressed in pajamas.

 

Briana was sitting on the floor between her older brother’s legs, her back turned to him as he tied her hair up for her. She still hadn’t quite had the guts to get rid of her bandage, which she was reminded of when her brown hair brushed against it, making a small sound that nobody other than herself probably heard.

 

She would, though. She would grow the balls to tear it off and leave it that way. Soon enough.

 

”Thanks” She whispered, turning her head slightly to the side. Yevgeny put his hand on her shoulder for a second, using the gesture as a replacement for a ’ _You’re welcome’._

 

Brian was sitting next to his aunt, talking about something. Mickey and Ian couldn’t hear what, they were too far away.

 

”Here” Ian said, sitting down on one of the huge, red bean bags and looking up at Mickey.

 

Mickey could immediately tell what he was thinking, so he shook his head.

 

”No way, Gallagher” He protested.  

  
All of the people in the room were too caught up in their own conversations, they weren’t looking or listening to anybody else, but Mickey still felt kind of awkward sitting in Ian’s lap in front of everybody. They weren’t sixteen anymore.

 

Ian tilted his head to the side.

 

”Baby, it’s christmas morning, no one cares. Just come here” Mickey sighed, and finally rolled his eyes, turning around and sitting down on Ian’s lap.

 

Ian immediately accepted his frame, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist, his chest pressing against Mickey’s back, his chin on his shoulder.

 

Mickey was still a little bit tense, but he quickly realized that not a single person in the room was looking at them, so he relaxed back against his partner.

 

”I love you” Ian whispered into his ear. Mickey turned his head to the side to look at him. It was a little bit of a struggle considering how they were positioned, but it worked out.

 

”You too” Mickey promised, and Ian pressed a light kiss to his lips before Mickey turned his head back, his eyes falling out the window.

 

It was snowing, hard. Fuck, had this been a slightly smaller or older house, it probably would have creaked loudly at the wind that was surely blowing.

 

Mickey wasn’t even able to see anything but white, it was just snow. Nothing else. He hadn’t seen anything like that in a long time, and the little boy inside of him kind of wanted to go out just to see it better. Alas, he wouldn’t. Not now at least.

 

”Alright, are we ready?” Amanda asked, coming into the room, huge gray sweatpants on her legs that had surely been Lip’s at some point, and a red santa hat perched on top of her head.

 

Various versions of ’ _Yes_ ’ rang throughout the room, and she nodded, a big smile on her face as she sat down by the tree next to the huge mountain of beautifully wrapped christmas presents.

 

Soft, cheery christmas music was playing in the background as gifts were handed out. Mickey’s hands were resting on his stomach, laced together with Ian’s. There was not a single doubt in his mind that this was the best christmas he had had in a long time.

 

Not just because of the snow, or because he was somehow more in the spirit than he normally was, but because of the people around him.

 

Ian, of course. He couldn’t remember ever being quite this in love with him before, it was almost scary how good it hurt.

 

This year was also the best christmas he had ever had because after all of the shit that they had all been through - especially Briana - they had made it here. And even though there was still some things to work through, she was smiling. That was worth more than anything.

 

”Yevgeny” Amanda said. ”From mom and dad” She read off the card and then got up on her knees, reaching over for him to accept it. Briana scrunched down a little bit to get out of the way since she was still sitting in between his legs.

 

Yevgeny looked at the thin envelope, and Mickey struggled not to smile at what he knew was in there. Soon, Yev put it aside to be opened later as everybody else had done with their presents.

 

A few more were handed out. A couple for the kids from their parents and one to Fiona from Gus.

 

Ian’s thumb was rubbing soft, smooth circles on the back of Mickey’s hand and Mickey fought not to let his eyelids get heavy at the simple act.

 

”Mickey” Mickey lifted his head at his name and looked at Amanda who was holding a pretty big, square box shaped package. ”From Ian”

 

Ian unwrapped his arms from around Mickey’s waist so that he could crawl forwards a little bit and accept the present.

 

He put it to the side, and before he could even think about getting back in between Ian’s legs, Ian pulled him back, just as close as they had been previously.

 

Amanda proceeded to give out the next gift, and Ian pressed a kiss to the back of Mickey’s neck. Mickey thought that maybe he saw Mandy smile at them, but thankfully, she didn’t say shit.

 

Almost forty fucking minutes later, the gift mountain was finally split in between all of the people, everybody ending up with at least five, the smallest children obviously getting more. They got to open theirs first, since it seemed that they had ants in their pants or some shit and they couldn’t wait. It was a mix of video games and legos and shit, Mickey wasn’t really paying too close attention.

  
He was more focused on Ian’s breath feathering the skin of his neck, which he knew wasn’t a good thing, but he couldn’t help it.

 

”You want to go, Yev?” Fiona asked once the younger kids had all ripped the paper off of all of their gifts.

 

”Uh, yeah” He nodded, picking the thin envelope up that was from Mickey and Svetlana. Everyone’s eyes were on him as he carefully tore it open and reached in for the thin card inside.

 

Briana eased herself a little bit away from the chair and turned around so that she could look as well.

 

The card was completely blank on one side, and on the other there were a couple of rows of writing.

 

_We know that you have fought hard to make your own way, but we wanted to give you something that you really needed._

 

That part was in his mother’s handwriting, the next part was in his father’s.

 

_Your car is a piece of shit. Enjoy the new one. We love you._   
_Mom and Dad_

 

”What is it?” Brian asked, and Yevgeny chuckled, almost unable to believe his own eyes as he lifted his head to lay them on Mickey.

 

”I’m getting a new car?” Yevgeny had tried not to make it too known, but he was really fucking sick of his car. It broke down a fuck ton more times than it started, and frankly, it was starting to lower his grades because of the fact that he could never quite get to class on time. This meant so fucking much to him. 

 

”What?” Briana asked loudly. ”No, that is so not fair!”

 

”Aye” Mickey snapped. ”Stop that, it’s christmas”

 

Brian was just about to say something about them wanting one too, but he nodded solemnly, and he and his sister let it go. For now, at least.

 

”Thank you so much!” Yevgeny said, almost unable to keep from tears as he stood up and put the card on the chair he was just sitting in in order to bend down and hug his father.

 

Ian let go of Mickey for the moment being to let them have it.

 

”Thank you” Yev said again. ”I love you”

 

”Love you too, bud” Mickey promised.

 

Yevgeny gave his mother a tight hug as well, and then the room was onto the next gift, the one Ian and Mickey had received from Brian. Mickey was sitting on the floor next to his partner by now, feeling the room grow too hot to sit on him, as much as he usually would enjoy the body heat.

 

”You want to?” Mickey asked, handing the small gift over to Ian, who looked to Brian. Brian looked innocent, a little too innocent.

 

Ian chose to ignore it and picked the paper off of the package. As soon as Mickey saw what it was, he chuckled dryly.

  
”Seriously?” He asked, looking to his son who just shrugged, his brown hair hanging down over one of his eyes.

 

”I kind of wanted you to have it” Brian said.

 

”What is it?” Debbie asked, frowning, getting up on her knees to have a better chance to see the item. She was across the room, though. So it didn’t make much of a difference.

 

”A doorlock” Ian informed her. ”Thank you” He said then, half mockingly as he turned to Brian.

 

”Wait, why?” Briana asked, turning to look at her brother, who just raised his eyebrows at her. ”Oh no” She chuckled, and soon almost everybody in the room had joined in.

 

Ian elbowed Mickey in the side since he was just frowning.

 

”It’s funny, Mick” He whispered. Mickey rolled his eyes, turning his head to look at him.

 

”Fine” He sighed, trying to push out the mortification and guilt he felt at the fact that Brian had seen him with Ian’s dick up his ass.

 

Ian leaned forwards, pressing a deep kiss to his lips. Mickey returned it, and before long everyone had forgotten about the lock and moved on to the next gift.

 

Mickey relaxed back against the couch behind him, slightly slumped against Ian’s shoulder as Fiona opened a couple of presents. Lip and Amanda did too, along with Debbie.

 

Mickey was only half paying attention, he was mostly just taking in the feeling of being here, of being in the holiday spirit, because for some fucking reason, he just was.

 

The soft music reached his ears. It was too quiet for him to decipher the lyrics, but he didn’t recognize the melody. It wasn’t slow or sentimental, it was a little bit happier. He liked it.

 

Ian’s hand was resting safely on his thigh, and it seemed so natural that Mickey barely realized it until Ian took it off to reach for his gift, handing it to Mickey.

 

Mickey swallowed at the big package and looked up to Ian, who’s eyes sparkled in await.

 

”Open” Svetlana said, a big smile on her face. Mickey’s eyes stayed on Ian’s for another beat before looked down again and picked the ribbon off, the paper soon going with it.

 

What he was left with was a square, white box. It looked very similar to a shoe box, but it was too light.

 

Mickey usually wasn’t one to care too much about gifts. It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate when he got them, but it just wasn’t really what christmas was about to him.

 

Growing up, maybe Iggy, him and Mandy would give each other some shitty wrapped weed or some other kind of substance. That was just all they had really been able to do

 

But for some reason now, he was kind of nervous to see what Ian was giving him. He was scared to open it because if he knew Ian right - which he did - he would give him something both sentimental and expensive to celebrate their first christmas back together. Not that Mickey had any clue what it would be.

 

He sighed in anticipation as he picked the lid off, praying to god he wouldn’t end up crying over it. There was something under a couple of layers of flat tissue paper, and on top there was a card.

 

_Mickey,_

_I know that you’re gonna hate me for giving you something sentimental in front of my family, but I can’t help it. We have been through so much together, and no matter how many times I remind myself that it’s real, that I have you again, sometimes I still don’t believe it. I don’t know how I got so lucky._

_I’m rambling. I’m sorry._

_The point is that I love you more than anything else in my life, and I wanted you to have this. I don’t know if you remember when we talked about it, it was probably almost twenty three years ago by now, but I do remember._

_I remember that cold night in October and how I promised you that someday, I would get you this. Here we are._

_I love you so, so much, baby._

_Always,_   
_Ian_

 

Mickey fought his tears back as he looked up at Ian. He didn’t even have to lift the tissue paper to know what was in that box. Of course he remembered.

 

  
_Mickey was walking quietly next to Ian, heading across the grass towards the dugouts. It was the middle of October, and the cold was just started to bite their skin. Mickey’s scarf was wrapped tightly around his neck, the freezing air not doing much for his already chapped lips._

 

_Ian turned his head once in a while to look at him, unable to help himself. Despite the fact that they had never talked about it - fuck, Mickey might actually kick his ass if he brought it up - he liked to pretend sometimes._

 

_Pretend that they were more than fuck buddies, that he could lean forwards and brush his lips against Mickey’s and Mickey would return the gesture._

 

_Of course, he would never try that, not just randomly. His already sort of relationship with his crush was too fragile still._

 

_”Here” Mickey sighed, sitting down on the grass and reaching into his bag, throwing a can of beer over to Ian, who accepted it and sat down right next to him._

 

_Mickey hid the small noise his throat spit out when their thighs brushed. Even through the fabric, he could feel the sparks that he worked oh so hard to deny._

 

_They were both quiet for a sec, drinking the beer, looking straight ahead. Despite their rocky status, it wasn’t awkward. It somehow never was between the two of them. It was just comfortable. Right, as much as Mickey tried to deny that one too._

 

_”Mick?” Ian asked after a while, throwing the now empty can to the side and laying back, thankful for his winter jacket as the cold grass hit his back._

 

_Mickey hummed, doing the same, his eyes focusing on the dark sky._

 

_”If you could have anything, what would it be?”_

 

_”World peace” Mickey said, voice dripping with sarcasm._

 

_”Fuck you” Ian chuckled, elbowing him in the side. ”I’m serious. Something you can buy, what would it be?”_

 

_”You’re not getting me a fucking christmas present or some shit, right? It’s a little early”_

 

_”Just answer the question, Mick” Ian said lightly, and Mickey finally sighed, giving in._

 

_”You know that leather jacket Seagal wears sometimes?” Ian hummed. ”Kinda want one of those” Ian frowned._

 

_”You don’t have a leather jacket?” For some reason he had assumed that Mickey did, somewhere._

 

_”Nah” Mickey said, reaching for his pack of smokes. ”Not really easy to steal, too expensive. Alarmed and shit” Ian hummed again, thinking it over._

 

_”One day I’m gonna buy you one” Mickey snorted at that, the sound blending with the clicking of the lighter._

 

_”Yeah, okay, Gallagher”_

 

  
”Is this…?” Mickey asked, and Ian smiled.

 

”Lift the paper”

 

All eyes were on Mickey as he lifted the tissue paper. He was only aware of Ian’s, though.

 

Just as he had guessed, when the paper was laid to the side, Mickey’s eyes were focused on dark brown, almost black leather. This wasn’t a fucking cheap piece of shit just for the hell of it, this was expensive, genuine leather.

 

”I promised you I would get you one” Ian said as Mickey lifted it up, unfolding it to look closer. It was fucking beautiful.

 

”Oh my god, that’s gorgeous!” Fiona said.

 

”It’s beautiful!” Briana agreed.

 

Mickey wasn’t listening to them too much, his eyes were on Ian’s again, both of them tearing up.

 

It wasn’t the gift persay, or the money Ian had quite obviously spent on it. It was the fact that they had been apart for twenty years - it had, as Ian had written, surely been a lot more than that since that night - and yet, Ian remembered a meaningless conversation like that.

 

Had they been alone, Mickey surely would have uttered the words. ’ _I love you’_. It would have been so fucking easy. But he didn’t want other people to hear it the first time, he wanted it to be private. Somehow, Ian just knew, so he said it for him.

  
”I love you so much” Mickey grinned through the tears he was losing too, and right now, he couldn’t possibly care less about the fact that their families were in the room. He placed a hand on the back of Ian’s neck and tugged him in for a kiss.

 

”Oh, come on! We don’t need to see - ” Lip was successfully shut up by his wife elbowing him in the side.

 

Mickey and Ian soon had to cut the kiss short, mostly because they were smiling too big for it to really work out.

 

Afterwards, when the room had moved on to the next present, Mickey was back on Ian’s lap, Ian’s arms tightly wrapped around his body.

 

”You know…” Ian whispered into his ear, making sure to be quiet enough that nobody else would hear. ”I do have another gift, but I can’t exactly give it to you here”

 

  
The next few hours were pretty similar to the morning. Fiona and Debbie cooked. Mandy, Lana and Amanda helped a little bit.

 

Everyone were kind of littered all over the house.

 

Briana was sitting on the couch watching television next to Carl and Brian when Hugh came up to her.

 

”What happened to your arm?”

 

”Hugh!” Carl said in a warning tone.

 

Ian’s little brother was somebody that Briana had felt comfortable with pretty quickly. He reminded him of Ian in a lot of ways. Calm, kind. But from what she understood, he hadn’t always been that way.

 

”It’s okay” Briana assured them both, and Brian looked at her from the corner of his eye, making sure she was alright. ”I um…” She started, trying to figure out how to best explain this to a ten year old. It was tricky, because she couldn’t talk to him like a baby, but not like an adult or a teenager either. ”There was a boy who felt so bad about his life that he felt the need to ruin other people’s. He used a gun to shoot and I got hit. For me to heal the doctors had to get rid of my arm” She explained, and Hugh nodded, seeming to think it over.

 

”Why couldn’t your arm heal too?” He asked.

 

”Well…” She said. She was aware of Carl listening too. Nobody had asked her about it before, mostly out of respect, which she appreciated. But obviously he wanted to know, that was just humanity. ”It was such a big injury that my arm…” She trailed off for a second, trying to find the right word. ”It kind of… died. So I had to lose it to get better”

 

”Oh. Okay” Hugh nodded in understanding, and then he was off.

 

”School shooting?” Carl asked, and she turned to look at him, nodding.

 

”Yeah”

 

”I didn’t know” Briana shrugged.

 

”It’s alright” And somehow, for the first time, it was.

 

  
”Ian, what the fuck are we doing out here?” Mickey asked, pulling his cold hands inside of the sleeves of the black jumper Svetlana had gifted him.

 

Ian had lead him to one of the backdoors of the house, and now he was standing out in the snow a couple of meters from the smaller porch, looking at Mickey, a huge fucking grin on his face.

  
It was so cold and it was snowing so hard that Mickey could just barely make him out.

 

”Get out here!” Ian said, and Mickey shook his head. Neither of them were wearing more than a sweater on their upper body, but the difference was that Mickey had no particular desire to get frost bite. ”Two seconds, Mick, it’s snowing!”

 

”Quite fucking obviously” Mickey cursed, but his face was starting to form a grin to match Ian’s. Aye, fuck it. No one was watching, they were all too busy with their own shit inside.

 

Mickey ran out into the snow, jumping up, wrapping his legs around Ian’s waist. Ian laughed loudly, immediately placing his hands onto Mickey’s thighs to keep him up.

 

Their cold, chapped lips smashed together, their eyes closing. Mickey’s hands tugged on the collar of Ian’s jumper, and they both grinned into the kiss like a couple of childish, carefree, idiotically in love fourteen yearolds, which maybe, in a way, they were. They had never quite had the chance.

 

Mickey’s tongue slid over Ian’s, the warm love of the kiss a wonderful contrast to the freezing snow still falling onto them.

 

”Oh, fuck!” Mickey yelled in surprise when Ian fell, Mickey’s chest crashing to his at the impact. ”You fucking did that on purpose” He accused Ian, their faced apart now.

 

Ian grinned up at him.

 

”I’ve always wanted to kiss someone in the snow”

 

”You’ve always wanted to kiss me in the snow” Mickey corrected him confidently, and Ian grinned, nodding, tugging him down, their lips resting together.

 

”Yes, baby. You. Only you” He confirmed before their lips connected again.

 

  
Later that night, after a long christmas dinner, Ian and Mickey stumbled into their room, Ian kicking the door closed and shedding his sweater before pulling Mickey up for a deep kiss.

 

Mickey leaned into it, wrapping his fingers around the dogtags he had given Ian. Ian had had a really fucking hard time keeping his tears from sobs when he had opened the package.

 

Despite his failed stint in the army, he still loved the look of dog tags, which Mickey knew, so he bought a pair and had them engraved. One of them said ’ _Ian + Mickey_ ’ and the other one said ’ _Always_ ’.

 

It was cheesy as fuck, but Ian loved them, just as Mickey had anticipated.

 

Ian pulled away from the kiss for a second to look down at them again. His hand wrapped around Mickey’s, the jewelry falling in both of their palms.

 

”I love them so much, Mick” Mickey grinned, lifting his head.

 

”I love you” Mickey wasn’t even aware of the fact that he had had the words on the tip of his tongue, but there it was. Out of his mouth and into Ian’s ears. Done.   
They were quiet for a second, just staring at each other.

 

”Fuck” Ian finally cursed, ripping himself out of the daze and crashing their lips together in another perfect kiss. ”You too, baby. I love you so much”

 

They were done talking for the moment being. The kisses were filled with both passion and fiery desperation as they stumbles towards the bed, shedding their clothes on the way. Ian’s dog tags stayed on around his neck, and Mickey tugged at them as he laid down on the bed, Ian climbing on top of him.

 

One of Mickey’s hands were still holding onto the chain, the other arm wrapping around Ian’s neck to hold him down, into the kiss.

 

Ian hummed as the sweet taste of Mickey coated his tongue. His body was buzzing at the fact that he had finally uttered the words. He hadn’t wanted to push him into it, and it hadn’t bothered him too much that he hadn’t been ready until now, because he had known that Mickey loved him, words out of his mouth or not.

 

But fuck, it was good to hear them again.

 

”Hey…” Ian said softly, pulling away from the kiss to look down into Mickey’s eyes. Mickey hummed, rolling his hips upwards a little bit to slide their cocks over each other. ”Remember how I told you I had another gift?” Mickey smiled, his eyes glimmering.

 

”Yeah?” Ian grinned back down at him and pressed another deep, wet kiss to his lips before lifting himself off of his body a little bit.

 

”Roll over” He didn’t need to say anything more. Mickey knew exactly what he was thinking, and his body started thrumming at the thought.

 

He did as he was told, rolling over so that he was laying on his stomach, his arms folded under the pillow.

 

Ian ran a warm, flat palm over his back, down to his perfect ass. Mickey hummed, curving his back slightly.

 

”I love how your body just responds to me” Ian had meant for it to be a quiet thought to himself, but the words tumbled out of his mouth and into Mickey’s ears anyway, and he seemed to appreciate them, curling his back further, pressing his ass back against Ian’s palm.

 

Ian grinned at the action and eased himself down the bed so that his face was right in position. Mickey groaned into the pillow when he placed his hands firmly onto his ass, separating the cheeks.

 

Ian let go, teasing him.

 

”Fuck. Please” Mickey spoke, his voice already breathy. Ian obeyed, grabbing his ass once again and lowering his face, licking a thick stripe straight across his already stretched hole.

 

Mickey made a noise, and Ian wasn’t too sure whether it was supposed to be a word or if it was just a reaction.

 

Either way, Ian repeated the action, the tip of his tongue getting caught on the rim.

 

”Fuck” Mickey sighed. It had been forever since he had last been rimmed, and Ian had always been fucking amazing at it. Then again, Ian was amazing as most things.   
Ian attached his lips to Mickey’s ass, sucking slightly, his tongue rubbing smooth circles to the skin, occasionally slipping inside a little bit.

 

Mickey was groaning uncontrollably already, bucking his hips a little bit, pressing back against Ian’s tongue, his head dug into the pillow, eyes clenched shut in pleasure.

 

Ian’s hands were still on his cheeks, kneading the pale, perfect skin. He soon lifted his mouth from Mickey’s ass, but before the brunet could complain, he went back in, pressing a wet kiss to the hole, almost exactly as if he was kissing his mouth.

 

”Oh, fuck me” Mickey cursed, and Ian hummed, the vibrations rolling straight into Ian’s body. ”No” Mickey said, turning his head so that his cheek was against the pillow, his voice clearer for Ian’s ears. ”I’m fucking serious, man. Just fuck me already”

 

”Thought you’d never ask” Ian said teasingly, giving his ass a last squeeze before pressing a kiss to the cross of his back and reaching for the lube and a condom.

 

Mickey was still laying flat on his stomach as Ian laid on top of him, holding himself up slightly with his arms, his hands placed on the mattress next to Mickey’s torso.

 

His cock was perfectly positioned to Mickey’s eaten out ass as he slowly but surely pressed inside, making sure to be careful since his cock was the only thing with lube on it.

 

Mickey groaned as Ian finally filled him up like only he could.

 

”Fuck” He cursed darkly when Ian bottomed out. Ian hummed, dropping a kiss to his shoulder before pulling back out and then rolling his hips, rocking into him again.

 

Mickey’s hands fisted the sheets under the bed as he started rocking back against Ian’s lazy thrusts, moaning and groaning at the feeling.

 

”Fucking love you” Ian sighed, giving an extra hard roll of his hips, managing to brush Mickey’s prostate.

 

”Fuck” Mickey groaned again, feeling a thin layer of sweat start to build up on his skin as his eyes clenched shut in pleasure.

 

Ian’s arms collapsed and he steadied himself somewhat on his forearms as he kept fucking down into Mickey, head spinning at how perfectly his muscles hugged around his cock.

 

”You feel so fucking amazing” Ian sighed, lips brushing the back of Mickey’s neck. ”So fucking perfect”

 

Mickey moaned, lifting his hips slightly.

 

”Faster” He sighed, and Ian obeyed, grinding down at about double the speed, making the bed bang ever so slightly against the wall, not that either of them gave a fuck right now.

 

Ian’s lips were still resting against the back of Mickey’s neck as they both tumbled closer to the edge.

 

”Fuck” Ian breathed, and the hair on Mickey’s body stood up in the best way, his eyes clenching as the tightness in his balls grew even more so.

 

”Close” Mickey managed to get out.

 

Soon, they tumbled over the edge together, Mickey spilling out onto the sheets with a strangled groan, and Ian filling the condom, staying buried inside of Mickey as he did so.

 

Ian forced himself to roll off of Mickey’s body and get rid of the condom before he got way too tired, and then he laid back onto his back, Mickey crawling out of the wet spot and closer to him.

 

”Merry christmas, baby” Ian whispered, an arm around his body, his nose in his hair.

 

”Merry christmas”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Appreciate the fluff because it won't last for much longer. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are as always incredibly appreciated! They're what keep me writing and help me stay inspired! Have an amazing day! <3


	22. Unpause

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”Ian, I love you so fucking much…” Mickey continued when Ian didn’t say anything. Their eyes were on each other’s, and Ian’s eyes were starting to well up ever so slightly. ”And it’s because I love you that…” He trailed off for a second, eyes falling to their hands, toying nervously and absentmindedly with Ian’s fingers. ”If you want those things, if you want that life - I can’t take that away from you”

A couple of mornings later, Ian and Mickey were laying in bed, putting off getting up and packing.

 

Mickey had to admit, as reluctant as he had been to spend christmas with Ian’s family, it actually hadn’t been that bad. It had been a good few days, and his kids had seemed to be doing good as well. He was excited to go home, though.

 

His back was against Ian’s chest, his arms wrapped around Mickey’s body, his breath fanning the back of his neck in a way that let Mickey know that Ian was on the verge of falling back asleep. It was incredibly tempting to let him - to just close his own eyes and match their breathing. But that would mean that they would most likely end up missing their plane, and Mickey would have to stay here for another two days, an idea he wasn’t too keen on. So he elbowed his partner softly in the chest to get him to wake up.

 

”Hey” He spoke, when he didn’t get much of a reaction. ”Get your ass up, man. We need to pack”

 

There weren’t a ton of shit for them to pack up, but if Lip or Amanda would end up finding one of the lube and condom hideaways they had accidentally created under the week, Mickey was pretty sure that they would never be able to live it down. They needed to find them all.

 

Ian groaned lowly in his ear, and finally started moving around a little bit. A kiss was pressed to the skin behind Mickey’s ear and then the mattress shifted behind him, and soon he heard the soft sound of Ian’s feet hitting the soft floor.

 

Mickey sighed deeply and dragged himself up as well, immediately pulling on his boxers, just as Ian had.

 

”Hey, um…” Ian started quietly when they had begun to pick some clothes up from the floor, throwing them on the bed to be folded and put into bags later on. They were both making sure that they didn’t make too much noise, even though most people were probably up and walking by now, it was still early in the morning.

 

”Yeah?” Mickey asked, throwing Ian’s blue hoodie on top of his own second pair of jeans before moving on to a few pairs of dirty socks. He threw them on top as well, deciding it would be better and faster to do the laundry at home.

 

”You remember about a week ago?” Mickey straightened up, looking Ian’s way. Ian was very interested in the clothes and other items he was picking at, though, which Mickey knew was a sign he was nervous. ”What Mandy said?”

 

Mickey frowned, subconsciously starting to fold the t shirt in his hands in lack of anything else to do. Best as he wracked his brain, he couldn’t really figure out what Ian was getting at. There had been a lot of Mandy’s comments in the past week. He did his best to forget about it all.

 

Ian must have seen his confused face at some point, because as he placed the empty suitcase onto the bed, he explained further.

 

”About us… you know, getting married?” Mickey’s eyebrows traveled a little bit closer to his hairline. He should have fucking known.

 

Ian still didn’t quite seem to have the balls to look at him. Mickey’s lips were slightly parted as he tried to figure out the best thing to say in this situation. Fuck did he know.

 

”Uh… yeah. I remember” He finally managed to utter. Piece of shit.

 

”Well, would you want to?” Ian asked. ”I mean not now, of course. I’m not proposing, I just… would you ever want to?”

 

  
Mickey sighed, and now it was his turn to avoid eye contact, his hands busy, folding pieces of clothing way more times than what was necessary.

 

”Nah, come on, man. You know how I feel about all the marriage shit”

 

Mickey was more than aware that the two sentences was so far away from the answer Ian had wanted that it barely even existed. Right now, though - he didn’t care.

 

Mickey couldn’t lie to Ian. He didn’t want to get married. Marriage was nothing but a trap to him, something his father had once forced him into. Of course it would be different with Ian than it had been with Svetlana, but that didn’t change the fact that it didn’t really sit right with Mickey.

 

”So just…” Ian took a break to swallow, and Mickey knew he had messed up. ”So just no? Never?”

 

Mickey sighed, putting his perfectly folded sweatshirt down onto the bed and tilting his head up, brave enough to meet Ian’s eyes. He thumbed his bottom lip, fighting not to break the eye contact.

 

”No. Yeah”

 

”No? Yeah? Which one is it?”

 

Ian wasn’t raising his voice, but Mickey had known him well enough to sense when he was on the verge of getting upset.

 

”Man, don’t start fighting with me, Ian. Now’s not the fucking time” Mickey said truthfully, eyebrows raised, arms subconsciously crossing in self defense.

 

”I’m not mad” Ian said. ”I just… I wanna know” Mickey sighed.

 

”Truth?” Ian nodded, eyebrows lifting slightly in await. ”No” Mickey felt as if he should clench his eyes shut, brace for impact. Nothing came, though.

 

Their eyes were glued together, and Mickey could see Ian force back a tear. Maybe two.

 

”Man, why are we even talking about this?” Mickey groaned, bending down to pick up a pair of sweatpants to distract himself from the conversation.

 

This week - fuck, the past few months - had been amazing, everything Mickey had ever dreamt of. Except, of course everything that happened to Briana, but in terms of his and Ian’s relationship, it had been. He should have fucking known it was too good to be true, that it would somehow take a turn.

 

The air in the room had snapped from loving, calm and happy to tense and maybe angry, in what he would say was less than one point two seconds. How the fuck did this happen?

 

Ian was still standing on the other side of the huge bed, looking at Mickey. Mickey wasn’t looking back, but he could feel the gaze on the top of his head as he looked down at the clothing piece in his hands.

 

”Mickey, I… Just…” Ian was completely speechless, and Mickey felt a stab at his heart at the cracked voice. ”I’m not proposing right now or some shit, but we’ve been together for four years, I’ve been in love with you for twenty four. I’d like to think that in a year, if I asked you to marry me, that… you would say yes”

 

Mickey gnawed on the inside of his bottom lip, still not brave enough to look into Ian’s eyes. The clothing item in his grasp was being folded and unfolded time and time again as he did his best to come up with an answer.

 

”I can’t, alright?” He finally said, looking up. He did his best not to freeze completely still as their eyes locked. ”Marriage, it’s not… It’s not a good fucking thing, alright? Not for me, you know this”

 

Ian nodded, and Mickey went back to looking down at his feet like a pussy, running away from conflict.

 

”I do, alright? But that wasn’t…” He trailed off with a sigh, running his hands over his head. The buzzcut had grown out the tiniest bit in the past week. ”Just give me a reason, alright? Except for what happened back then. Tell me why you wouldn’t marry me”

 

”You broke my heart!” Mickey lifted his head, their eyes connecting as he yelled the statement out. His voice was loud, too loud. And fuck, the words hadn’t even passed through his brain before they fell out of his mouth.

 

His entire body froze, much like Ian’s.

 

Mickey hadn’t known that he was still hanging onto what happened, but apparently, there it was. The unspoken wall that he hadn’t even known were between them himself.

 

The look on Ian’s face softened, his eyes welling up. Mickey’s tongue darted out to wet his lips.

 

”Three years, man” When Mickey started talking again, the words were actually thought out. ”That’s how fucking long it took me before I could see a guy with red hair without having a fucking meltdown. Ian, it took me almost seven” Breath. ”Years. To tell myself I didn’t miss you so well that I actually believed it. And I know that’s not healthy, but it’s what happened. You messed me up, man. Bad. And not in a good way either. Ian, you’re like a fucking drug to me or some shit. That’s not romantic, it’s the truth. The mess with Terry and Lana isn’t the reason I can’t marry you. You’re the reason I can’t marry you”

 

Mickey finished with another deep breath, and Ian’s tears were spilling over, rolling down onto his cheeks. Mickey’s fingers itched to walk over there and wipe them away, but right now he was too upset.

 

Fuck, he hadn’t even been aware that he was still holding a grudge over what had happened way back when, but apparently he was.

 

”I thought um… I thought we were over all that” Ian admitted through a sad chuckle, wiping most of the tears away from his chin. He wasn’t sobbing, but it hurt Mickey’s heart anyway.

 

”I thought I was too” Mickey admitted. Their eyes were locked on each other’s. ”Pause?”

 

”Pause” Ian nodded.

 

Pausing their fights was something they had always done. Most of the time it was to get one last fuck in before it got too bad. Sometimes it was like this morning, they had too much shit to get done, so they decided to put their fight on hold.

 

It worked pretty well too. They had perfected the pause over many fights, and by now, they paused, and it was as if nothing was even going on. outwards, anyway. Their thoughts usually still spun. Unless they were fucking. But a lot of the time, a pause felt as if it was the only possible way for them to survive one of their really bad fights. Mickey had a feeling this was one of those.

 

He grinned and went around the bed, tilting his head up to press a kiss against Ian’s lips. Ian forced his tears to dry up, and he wrapped a strong arm around Mickey’s waist, trying to convey with his lips, the completely and utterly undying love that he had for this man, marriage or not.

 

Ian pulled apart ever so slightly, and then they went in for more, Mickey’s hand curling into the short hairs on the back of Ian’s neck as much as possible.

 

”I love you” Ian sighed into his mouth when they had pulled apart. Mickey swallowed, nodding and leaning their foreheads together, his eyes fluttering closed.

 

”I love you too, Ian. You fucking know that”

 

”I do” Ian agreed, and then Mickey went in for another kiss, his arm wrapping around Ian’s waist to pull them even closer together.

 

They didn’t stop. Mickey kept nibbling at Ian’s lips, pulling away and going in for more. Their saliva blended and was spread all over their lips. It wasn’t too heated, and they didn’t fall down on the bed or tug their boxers down, they just kissed. Over and over again, eyes closed, minds singing.

 

  
A little while later, they were all packed and the Milkovich family - and Ian - said their goodbyes to Ian’s family. It wasn’t too heartfelt or sad, but it did involve a few way too tight hugs, and Mickey wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

 

The drive to the airport and the short flight back to Florida wasn’t too eventful. Mostly, it was quiet since everyone was tired after all the candy and food and presents. Celebrating christmas could be rough, Mickey realized.

 

Maybe next year, he’d suggest they spend it back home with chinese food like they had last year. At the thought, Mickey swallowed, turning his head to look at Ian.

 

Ian was sleeping - well, half so anyway. His head was slightly turned towards Mickey, and his eyes had peacefully fallen closed. There was not a doubt in Mickey’s mind that he loved Ian. None at all.

 

Yet somehow, the thought of looking towards the future with him scared him way more than it should. Mickey shouldn’t be scared to think about next christmas, because he should be sure that they would still be together by then. Fuck, it would be nice to be sure.

 

But there was still that small, annoying, nagging feeling in the pit of Mickey’s stomach, telling him that he was a complete fucking fool. That he didn’t deserve to have Ian for another year, or any of the ones after that.

 

Mickey knew that Ian had been the one who had hurt him and not the other way around. He also knew that it had been so many fucking years since and it was barely healthy to even remember what happened by now, but that didn’t change the fact that he did.

 

Mickey didn’t want to remember how Ian had dumped him. He didn’t want to remember the horrible pain he had felt, the stabbing in his gut whenever he had thought about Ian after the breakup.

 

Of course, he had gotten over it to the point where he barely thought about Ian anymore anyway - after about ten years apart, that was bound to happen.

 

But try as Mickey did, that slight pinch in his gut, that voice in his head, telling him that this was all too good to be true, that one of them would royally mess up somehow, he couldn’t ignore it. Not as completely as he wished to.

 

And he wasn’t sure he wanted to know where that fact would get them.

 

The drive back to the houses was calm, too. Svetlana, Mandy and Brian took one car while Ian, Mickey and his sons took the other one.

 

Ian was driving, and Mickey’s hand was resting safely in his, his eyes on them. It was such an empty action, really. Innocent. Holding hands like teenagers, generating a small amount of warmth and comfort.

 

In the past month or so, it had been a small thing, something Mickey and Ian just did. But now - despite the fact that they were on pause and neither of them were to acknowledge it until they were unpaused again - their future was so much more uncertain than it had been twenty four hours ago.

 

Fuck, only ten hours ago, everything had been amazing.

 

Then again, Mickey should have known that the other shoe would drop soon enough and here it was. Ian wanted a husband. Something Mickey wasn’t sure that he would be able to give him. He was aware that it didn’t make much sense, of course. After everything that they had been through together he should be jumping at the thought of getting married to Ian, of having their happy ending.

 

Mickey wished that he could wrack his brain further - come up with a legitimate reason why he couldn’t marry Ian. Why it didn’t feel right to agree to even a hypothetical engagement. The fact that Ian broke his heart over twenty years ago wasn’t much of a valid reason, considering where their relationship was at today, he knew that too.

 

But that didn’t remove that nagging feeling, the voice telling him that it didn’t feel right to do this, to get in this that deep just yet.

 

Of course Mickey knew that this didn’t have to mean a breakup, fuck, he hoped it wouldn’t and honestly, right now, he couldn’t see the two of them giving up on each other that easily. Yet, he knew that this would be a bad fight, and he was dreading the unpause.

 

  
”Hey um…” Yevgeny started once they had arrived home and gotten out of the car. ”I’m gonna go over to mom’s for a bit. Bri, you wanna come?”

 

Mickey immediately realized that his oldest son had overheard him and Ian fighting, and he was thankful that he was giving them some space.

 

”Yeah” Brian nodded, and they turned around, walking over to the other driveway to meet Mandy, Lana and Briana once they came home.

 

Ian and Mickey were quiet as they entered the Milkovich house. The small lamp that Mickey had left on for the nights was still on in the livingroom window.

 

They hung their huge jackets up, thankful to be back in warmer weather. Then Mickey walked inside, further into the living room, Ian following.

 

”Um, babe…?” Ian asked carefully, their eyes connected from across the room. The air in it changed ever so slightly as Mickey nodded.

 

”Yeah. Unpause” But neither of them moved, neither of them spoke. They just stood there, looking at each other until finally, Mickey sighed and tore the eye contact, sitting down on the L of the couch.

 

Ian did so as well, and their knees bumped since they were almost straight across from each other.

 

”I can’t force you to marry me” Ian stated after a moment of silence. Mickey’s eyes were on his hands, focusing on the faded black ink, stretched across his knuckles. ”And I get it… I get why it’s hard. I mean, I don’t really understand, but I get it”

 

Oddly enough, the words made sense.

 

”I hurt you” Ian continued, and the words were followed by another beat of silence. By now, they had both realized that this wouldn’t be a fight, this was a discussion. Something that made Mickey wish they were screaming at each other. He had never been really good with deep conversations.

 

”I should be over it by now” Mickey stated then, head still dipped down. He wasn’t sure that he would have the strength to express his thoughts, were he to look up at his partner.

 

”Yeah” Ian sighed. ”Maybe so, but you’re not. And that’s not wrong either, Mick”

 

Mickey swallowed, and finally braved a look into Ian’s eyes.

 

”It’s not just that, Ian. It’s also that…” He trailed off, his eyes falling to the collar of Ian’s shirt for no other reason other than the fact that he was zoning out, wracking his brain for the right words. ”It’s just… I feel like if we got married, you’d want more than that too… and I’ve done it” Mickey’s eyes were laid back on Ian’s as he spoke the last couple of words. ”Ian, the kids, the house, the fucking white picket fence, it’s great - but I’ve done it”

 

Ian swallowed, nodding. Mickey’s tongue darted out to wet his lips, his hands reaching towards Ian’s, braiding their fingers together.

 

He couldn’t ever remember them having a calm and rational discussion like this, but somehow, here they were.

 

”Ian, I love you so fucking much…” Mickey continued when Ian didn’t say anything. Their eyes were on each other’s, and Ian’s eyes were starting to well up ever so slightly. ”And it’s because I love you that…” He trailed off for a second, eyes falling to their hands, toying nervously and absentmindedly with Ian’s fingers. ”If you want those things, if you want that life - I can’t take that away from you”

 

Sure, if they got married, Ian would get three kids, but as much as he already loved them, it would never be the same thing as raising a baby. Mickey knew that.

 

How the fuck did they get here again?

 

”So what?” Ian asked, clearing his throat to get rid of the roughness that came from the tears falling down his cheeks. His eyes were on their hands now, his thumb gently running over Mickey’s. ”You wanna just… break up?”

 

”No!” Mickey said immediately, and they looked up at each other. ”What? Is that what you want?” he asked then, feeling his stomach start to stir in that horrific way.

 

”Of course not, Mick” Ian shook his head. ”I don’t need a child of my own, I get that you don’t want more. But… what? We’re just gonna be boyfriends forever?”

 

Mickey sighed, tearing the eye contact, sorting through his brain for something that would make this all better somehow. He didn’t find anything.

 

”What else you want, Ian, huh? I’ve given you so many fucking reasons why I never want to get married” Mickey claimed truthfully. ”Fuck, we haven’t even been back together for six months, why are we even talking about this?” He sighed, dipping his head and running his free hand over the back of his neck in frustration.

 

”Yeah” Ian sighed. ”’S too fucking much”

 

They were quiet for a beat, and Mickey looked up, eyes focusing on his boyfriend. He didn’t want to have this conversation, he didn’t want to be this serious. Fuck, they had the entire fucking house to themselves and they were spending it talking about their future. What had happened to them?

 

Ian’s eyes fell onto Mickey’s, and somehow, it was as if he could just see what was going through Mickey’s mind. If they were going to make it through this disagreement, they needed to take it piece by piece, not all at once.

 

”Pause?”

 

”Pause” Mickey agreed, and they both stood up, pulling each other closer, their mouths crashing together in a perfectly desperate kiss.

 

This was how they had always done it. They would pause their fight to fuck, to be close, to somehow express their love and need for each other without actually having to say it.

 

They were completely devouring each other’s lips, barely bothering to pull apart to breathe. Ian’s tongue dominated Mickey’s mouth, claiming him as his.

 

Mickey fisted Ian’s shirt before sliding his hands down his body, slipping them underneath, up to his nipples, urging him to take the clothing off. Ian pulled away from the kiss for a second, the shirt being thrown to the side. Mickey did the same with his own, and then they were back to their furious, desperate make out session.

 

”Couch?” Mickey asked into his mouth, his voice so muffled by Ian’s mouth that the redhead could just barely make the word out.

 

”No” Ian answered in between kisses, steering them towards the kitchen. ”Island” 

  
”Seriously?” Mickey asked breathlessly.

 

”Fuck yes” Ian said, heaving his partner up onto the marble counter top. Mickey’s legs immediately wrapped around Ian’s waist, tugging him closer. ”Look so fucking good on your back for me. So desperate for me to fuck you”

 

Mickey groaned at the dirty words, and kept working his lips against Ian’s, their saliva blending together as Ian worked on the zipper of Mickey’s jeans, managing to pull them down and throw them to the side along with his boxers while keeping their lips locked together.

 

”I fucking love you” Mickey groaned, a small hiccup escaping his lips as Ian wrapped a strong, sure hand around his cock, working it slowly. Mickey’s body started thrumming, reacting in that special way that it only did when it was Ian touching him.

 

”I know, baby. Fucking love you too” Ian agreed before smashing their lips back together in an actual kiss, his tongue sliding over Mickey’s. Mickey closed his eyes, his legs tightening around Ian’s waist when his thumb swiped over the tip of his cock, gathering the small amount of precome.

 

Mickey’s hands scratched down Ian’s back, landing on his ass. Ian groaned when he gripped his cheeks roughly. Mickey swallowed the sound, drinking in the taste of his partner. Ian’s hands were on the back of Mickey’s neck, tugging at the short black hair, bringing him deeper into the kiss, desperate for this moment to last.

 

”Fucking - off, fuck” Mickey mumbled into his mouth, hands slipping into Ian’s jeans, kneading his ass through his boxers.

 

Ian hummed, undoing his pants and throwing them to the side along with his boxers, save the condom and lube he kept in his pocket, which he put next to Mickey before going in for another searing kiss.

 

Mickey pulled Ian closer with his legs and wrapped his hand around his thick cock, feeling even more blood rush to his own at the thought of having it in his ass again. It didn’t matter how many times they fucked, Mickey’s body was still always in high gear.

 

Ian bit Mickey’s bottom lip at the feeling of his hand, and Mickey winced at the pinch. Ian knew him well enough to know that it was the best kind of wince, though, and he ran his tongue softly over the fading mark, soothing the slight pain.

 

”Lay back” Ian pulled away to whisper then, and Mickey did so, sighing as the cold marble hit his back. He’d remember to wipe it down with disinfectant later - like a responsible adult - but for now, his mind was at anything but cleaning.

 

His eyes followed Ian as he stood in between his lips, popping the cap off of the lube and spreading some onto his fingers. His other hand fell onto Mickey’s hip as he worked two fingers in at once since Mickey was already stretched from this morning. And last night. And probably every other day and night in the past week. It had been a good christmas.

 

Mickey’s eyes shut and he breathed out roughly, his stomach burning with pleasure as Ian scissored his fingers for a bit, his thumb rubbing smooth circles on the skin covering Mickey’s hip.

 

”Good?” Ian asked after a minute, maybe two. Mickey dug his teeth into his bottom lip, nodding.

 

”Fuck me” Mickey’s chest was already flushed, and Ian grinned at the lust clouding his voice.

 

It didn’t take long before Ian had a condom on and lined his slick cock up with Mickey’s awaiting hole, both of his hands resting on Mickey’s waist, steadying them both.

 

Mickey was looking up at him, his legs spread, welcoming Ian into him.

 

Their eyes were still glues together as Ian rolled his hips forwards, slamming into Mickey, seeing no use in taking their time. They needed it fast, and they needed it dirty right now. They both knew that.

 

Mickey howled at the force in which Ian’s cock bottomed out with one single, hard stroke, and his eyes clenched shut, teeth digging into his bottom lip.

 

Ian’s eyes were still on him as he pulled out and crashed back into him, almost as hard as he could possibly muster. Mickey looked so fucking good, completely spread out for him. He looked so bare, innocent somehow, but still so fucking hot and dirty. Ian had never quite been able to explain the feeling corsing through his body every single time he saw Mickey like this.

 

Ian started thrusting his hips faster, keeping the same force as he hammered into Mickey. Had they been in a bed, it surely would have been banging against the wall by now.

 

Mickey’s entire face was scrunched up in pleasure, his hands falling on top of Ian’s, somehow craving that touch.

  
Their bodies were covered in a thin layer of sweat and need already. Ian dug his fingertips deeper into Mickey’s flesh, and the room filled up with their groans and moans along with the loud ’ _slap slap slap_ ’ of their skin colliding.

 

Ian was completely lost in the perfect way Mickey’s ass was hugging, throbbing around his cock as he pistoled into him as fast and as hard as he possibly could. Nothing would ever be able to beat this - what they had together. What they had always had together.

 

Mickey drifted in and out of a haze, a part of him believing that he might be on the verge of passing out at how hard Ian was fucking him. This was them. Fight and fuck. And love. So much love.

 

”Oh, fuck!” Mickey howled, his body tensing up when Ian managed to brush across his prostate. Ian groaned, tilting his head back, eyes closing in pleasure as he kept stabbing that one spot, turning Mickey into complete mush under his touch.

 

He had a hard time remembering them ever really fucking this hard, this dirty. Maybe it was the fear of losing each other again, neither of them were sure.

 

Ian could feel a bead of sweat running down his back as he kept ramming into Mickey so hard that he almost felt as if he was going momentarily blind. His hands were digging into his body deep that Mickey would surely have some purple reminders later.

 

”So fucking close” Mickey managed to get out through his screams and groans. His eyes were still clenched shut, his teeth digging into his bottom lip so hard that he tasted some blood by now. His balls were so tight that he felt as if they were about to explode, and his stomach was stirring.

 

”Me - fuck! Me too” Ian got out, and he took his right hand off of Mickey’s hip, Mickey’s hand following with it as Ian jerked Mickey off, helping him over the edge. A couple of strokes was all that it took for Mickey to let out a strangled yell and shoot his load all over his stomach and their hands.

 

Ian was there too, filling the condom up.

 

Afterwards, they did the best to get their airways to work normally, and Mickey’s body ever so slowly stopped its thrumming and throbbing. When they were ready, they got dressed, and eventually they unpaused their fight. It went on for hours. They screamed and they yelled and they talked, and they cried.

 

Odds are, if you asked them about it ten years later, they still wouldn’t know how they fuck it happened, but somehow, they got here:

 

Ian and Mickey were sitting on the couch, staring straight ahead at the black television screen.

 

”So this is it” Ian said thickly.

 

”Yeah” Mickey sighed, his tears dried out since long. ”We’re over”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter for this year. See you on the other side. 
> 
> Also, hate the characters, don't hate the writer. In this case, anyway, lmao. I have plans, there will be a happy ending, I promise! But you all know what an angst monster I am!
> 
> Comments, thoughts and theories are always more than welcome! 
> 
> <3


	23. Where Are You Now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”I’m really proud of you” Mandy’s praise came completely out of the blue, and Mickey frowned, silently asking her to elaborate. ”You’re being really unselfish. Somehow you’re being a selfish jackass at the same time and I don’t know how the fuck you’re pulling that off, but… I’m proud of you”

New years came and went.

 

Mandy, Svetlana, Brian and Yevgeny all spent it out in different places, celebrating at parties and with friends. Mickey and Briana spent it at home on the couch, sharing a pint of ice cream. It may sound sad, but it was what they both needed.

 

”You’re sure that this is really what you want?” Briana had asked her father as the clock ever so slowly ticked closer to twelve.

 

Mickey had taken a deep breath. Lying had crossed his mind, but she was going to be eighteen in a month and a half, she could handle the truth.

 

”No” He had sighed, letting his eyes flicker to the quiet movie rolling on the big television screen. Briana frowned, locking the ice cream between her knees so that she could get a full spoon of it as she waited for him to elaborate.

 

Mickey had gnawed on the inside of his bottom lip, watching her actions absentmindedly as he thought about how to explain this to her. Fuck, he could just barely understand it himself, but the truth was that as much as he did love Ian, they couldn’t be together anymore.

 

Their similar ages aside, they were in completely different places in their lives. Ian wanted a husband, a baby, he wanted to buy a house, and Mickey, well… maybe not the husband, but the rest… he’d done it.

 

Brian and Briana were just about to turn eighteen, and he was done. He had done the late night feedings and he had had the lack of sleep under eye bags. Mickey had loved raising his children, but he was done. There was really no other way to explain it.

 

And Ian, well… he wasn’t. He hadn’t done it, and he wanted to. As much as Mickey couldn’t bend himself backwards and agree to it just to please Ian, he also couldn’t possibly ask Ian to do the same for him.

 

”Dad?” His head had snapped up at his daughter’s voice, calling him back to earth.

 

”Sorry” He had sighed, eyes on hers. Then he had shrugged, and forced a small smile onto his face, as much as he could anyhow. ”It’s not what I want, Bri. But it’s what we both needed, simple as that” Briana had nodded slowly, as if she was thinking the words over.

 

Her father had already told her and her brothers about the reason why he and Ian had split up, in passing, anyhow. She kind of did understand it, of course. But that didn’t mean that she wasn’t bummed about it, they all were.

 

As the clock hit twelve, Briana had taken a deep breath and picked her bandage off, putting it to the side. Her eyes had met her father’s and they shared a tight new years hug.

 

”It’s gonna be a good year, Bud” Mickey had spoken into her hair.

 

”Yeah. it has to be”

 

  
Mickey opened his eyes pretty late on the first, feeling the effect of going to bed way later than he was used to. He had stayed up with Briana way past three am, and his head was punishing him for it, despite the fact that he hadn’t consumed more alchohol that a couple of beers.

 

He had never really been one for new years, had always believed it to be a hoax. Nothing really changed anyway. It was just a bunch of people making promises to themselves that they wouldn’t be able to keep for a week anyway.

 

This, though, it felt different for some reason. After all of the shit he and his entire family had been through lately, they needed this. A new start, as cheesy and as cliché as it sounded.

 

It had been a couple of days since he and Ian had broken things off, and he had had some time to get used of not having him anymore.

 

A part of him had wanted to ask Ian to stay friends, and he assumed that Ian had wanted to say the same things. They both knew that a promise like that wasn’t worth shit between the two of them, though.

 

They were together or they were nothing, it was the way it had always been and the way it would always be. They just weren’t strong enough to be friends.

 

Mickey’s bed felt cold, too big. As if it was missing something, which actually, it was. And the bed wasn’t the only thing missing Ian. Mickey’s heart felt as if it had been ripped out of his chest. It wasn’t as bad as it had been the last time they had broken up, obviously and thank god.

 

But that didn’t mean that it didn’t sting, of course it did. Mickey had let himself fall back in love with Ian even though he had just fucking known that it wouldn’t end up good for anybody.

 

And here they were, broken up and heartbroken. Just as Mickey had predicted from the very beginning. The odd thing was, though, that as much as this hurt, he didn’t regret any of it. He didn’t regret getting back together with Ian and he didn’t regret letting him go.

 

If they had continued to date despite this obvious split in what they wanted, they would have broken up eventually anyway, only, it would have been so much worse. They both would have been so much more heartbroken.

 

This was for the best, there was not a doubt in Mickey’s mind.

 

 

”Ian?” Ian heard his front door slam and Mandy’s voice hit his ears. He sighed and clenched his eyes shut tighter, pulling the covers up closer to his chin, praying she would just go away. He should never have given her the spare key. ”Ian!” No such luck, apparently because now the voice was getting closer to his bedroom door. ”Ian!” Her voice was harsher now, angry that he wasn’t answering her calls.

 

Ian sighed again, folding his legs closer up to his stomach, attempting to make himself as small as possible.

 

”Ian!” Despite the fact that Ian was turned away from the doorway, he knew that that’s where she was standing now, watching the lump underneath the cotton blue covers. ”Ian” He voice was softer now, gentler.

 

”Go away” He whispered, wanting to just be alone as bask in the pain of somehow having lost Mickey. Again. How did he do this? How did he find the absolute best guy in the entire fucking universe, one he didn’t want to live without, and then just blow it?

 

”Did you take your meds?” Mandy asked, voice quiet, unsure. Almost shaking.

 

”Yes” He answered.

 

Ian wasn’t unstable, he was heartbroken. Simple as that. he knew why they had broken up, of course, and that they didn’t have any bad blood between them because of it. But it didn’t change much.

 

That fact didn’t remove the horrible pain welling up in his chest whenever he thought about Mickey’s smile or his kisses. Ian had never wanted to break up with Mickey, he loved that man so fucking much, he had ever since he had been a sixteen year old boy.

 

But as much as he knew that to be true, he also knew that he wanted a husband. Yeah, he wanted Mickey for a husband, but he… wanted a husband, nothing would be able to change that and if Mickey couldn’t give that to him, well then maybe it was true.

 

Maybe they were just at two completely different planes in their lives. So different, in fact, that maybe this was the best thing that could have possibly happened, no matter how heartbroken it made Ian.

 

”Are you sure?” Ian sighed at Mandy’s stubbornness. He loved her but the last thing he needed right now what another reminder of Mickey.

 

”Yes. Just go away, Mands. Now. Please” He begged without opening his eyes. He heard her sigh deeply and he prayed to god that it was a sign of her giving up and walking out. Of course, he couldn’t be that lucky.

 

Instead, he heard her footsteps and felt the bed move slightly when he squeezed past the television stand to get to his side of the bed.

 

Ian’s eyes were still closed but he sensed her sitting down on the floor and looking at his face. When a hand came up to his temple, her fingers brushing the hair, he didn’t have the energy to push her away.

 

Her thumb pressed against his bottom lip to see just how dry it was. Ian’s throat was all but the Sahara desert, but he hadn’t found the motivation to get up and get some water lately.

 

”Ian, you have to get up” She spoke gently, quietly as she let her hand drop to her lap.

 

”Go away” Ian asked her again. He didn’t need this help. He had, in fact, taken his meds. There was nothing to him laying in bed like this other than the fact that he was hurt. Heartbroken. Plain and simple. He needed this, he needed to lay in bed and he needed to mourn the loss of the love of his life.

 

He needed to grumble over what he could have done differently and he needed to cry over the fact that it had somehow seemed to easy for Mickey to let him slip through his fingers.

 

Ian needed to mourn the breakup. What the fuck was wrong with that?

 

”You eaten anything?”

 

”No”

 

”Meds?”

 

”Fucking told you yes” Ian growled, starting to get fed up with his ex boyfriend’s sister. He knew that she was only trying to help, but it didn’t really matter. He didn’t want it.

 

”Alright” She sighed, and he heard her standing up. ”I’m gonna make you a sandwich so get up” Mandy exited the room, and Ian forced his eyes open, blinking to adjust to the morning light of the room. Well, noon light, at least.

 

Ian registered the sound of a kitchen cabinet slam, and he realized that he had to get up and eat that fucking sandwich if he ever wanted to get rid of her. It wasn’t that he didn’t love her, he did. It was just that sometimes she didn’t quite understand when somebody did not, in fact need that extra push. She assumed that everybody did, all the time.

 

He sighed, rolling over onto his back and bringing his flat palms up, running them over his face, attempting to rub some of the sleep out of his eyes and skin. His heart was still thrumming in pain even though he had had quite a few days to get used to the idea that Mickey and he were no longer together.

 

Day one, that was the day when he had cried. Sobbed, in fact, biting his pillow to keep the sound from bothering his neighbors too much.

 

Day two had been the day when he had cried even more, feeling his heart being ripped out of his chest and wanting nothing more than to go over to Mickey’s place and grovel at his feet, beg him to take him back, for them both to forget about their different planned futures.

 

Day three, he had been angry. He had been so fucking pissed. At Mickey, at himself, at everything and everyone. How the fuck could they end up like this? They had been so fucking happy over christmas and then this happens. A complete fucking one eighty.

 

Day four. New years eve. Yesterday. He had spend that day at the gym, beating the punching bag as if it had been Terry, himself and Mickey all at the same time.

 

Day five. Today. As soon as he had woken up, he had just been numb. Completely and utterly numb. He wasn’t low, he had forced himself to get up and swallow his pills because he knew what would happen if he didn’t. But that didn’t change the fact that this had finally caught up with him now.

 

Before, he had been sad and angry. Now, he was just… broken. Which was so much worse, because when he was sad he cried and when he was angry he went to the gym. Both of those activities left him less time to think. Now his thoughts were taking over, his heart throbbing against his ribcage so hard that he was sure that one would snap at some point.

 

The huge, dry lump in his throat was so big that he would be surprised if he didn’t choke and die because of it.

 

”There’s coffee!” Ian’s eyes had fallen closed at some point, but now he opened them again, sighing deeply as he forced himself out of bed and up onto his weak legs. He entered the kitchen dressed in a t shirt and his boxers, his buzzed hair still somehow a mess, despite it’s short length.

 

  
_”Still love me?” Ian asked, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend, pulling him close. Mickey hummed, reaching up to run his hand over the buzzed hair._

 

_”It’s hot”_

 

_Ian smiled down at him, stomach warm._

 

  
Ian ignored the stab in his gut and he sat down on a chair, watching Mandy push a burnt, grilled cheese front of his nose along with a huge cup of coffee.  
He swallowed and took the sandwich into his hands, picking at the edge lazily, more than aware of Mandy looking at him.

 

”Why?” Ian frowned and looked up.

 

”What?”

 

”Why’d you break up? You were both so fucking happy from what I saw. And you don’t look happy now” Ian sighed again, looking back down at the food, finally just letting it go and going for the coffee instead, curling his hands around the ceramic, feeling it burn through his cold hands.

 

”He didn’t tell you?”

 

”You know my brother, just went on and on about it, wouldn’t shut the fuck up” She said sarcastically, and Ian nodded. ”I know some of it” She said then, after a beat of silence. ”But how about you make it clearer? Huh? ’Cause you’re so obviously in love, what does it matter if you get married or not?”

 

Ian shrugged again, not quite having the energy to talk about this today. The last thing he needed was to express his feelings, he just wanted to be alone and mope about this shit. Was that too much to ask?

 

”It’s what I always wanted, Mands” He spoke truthfully. ”I want a husband. I want Mickey, yeah. But I want a husband. We’re all nearing forty, Mandy. What the fuck are we supposed to do, huh? Just date? Be boyfriends when we’re eighty? I don’t want that. ” He lifted his head, shaking it slightly as he spoke the last part.

 

Mandy was looking back at him, leaning against the kitchen counter, hands curled around a coffee cup of her own. After a long beat of silence, she nodded.

 

”I get that. Fine. It sucks, but I get it. Let me ask you something, though” She spoke, putting her coffee down. Ian raised his eyebrows, taking a big gulp of the hot liquid, wincing as if it were whiskey as he waited for her to finish her thought. ”If this is what you want, if it’s really what you both need - why did it take me almost twenty minutes to get you out of bed?”

 

  
Mickey was in the kitchen, putting the dirty dishes into the dishwasher when the front door opened and slammed. He immediately knew that it was his sister, it was as if every single person in his family had their own way of entering the house. Svetlana did it quietly, Brian slammed it even louder than Mandy did and Briana and Yevgeny usually went in through the backdoor.

 

”Hey” Mickey called, forcing himself to keep his voice straight. Just because he kept his back the same that didn’t mean that the throbbing in his chest was any less of a pain.

 

”Hey” Mandy said back as she entered the kitchen. Her voice was fast and stern, a sure tell tale sign that she was ticked off. ”Kids here?”

 

”Yeah” Mickey said. ”They’re asleep, we all went to bed late” He explained then, putting the last plate into the dishwasher and closing it before walking over to the sink and starting to scrub the few that didn’t fit. ”What’s up? I was over at your place but Lana said you went out. Anywhere special?”

 

”No” Mandy said, her voice ever so slightly softer than it had been a few minutes ago as she leaned back against the kitchen island and observed her brother. ”You doing okay?”

 

”Uh…” Mickey sighed, trying to figure out how to answer that question. He wasn’t happy, quite obviously. But if you were to compare this breakup to how he had been holding up during the last one well then yes, he was okay. ”Fine” He settled on, his voice shaking, something his sister had known him long enough to pick up on, and it softened her even a little bit further.

 

”You talk to Ian at all?” The sudden question startled Mickey, and his hands stopped moving for a second, the plate and dish brush falling down into the sink. He was happy that he had his back turned towards his sister, otherwise she surely would have seen his eyes well up with tears at just hearing his name.

 

Mickey cleared his throat and collected himself.

 

”Uh, no. I think we need some time too, just… get over it, you know? Not really a good fucking idea to see each other right now” _Or ever._

 

Mandy hummed, and then they were both quiet for a beat. Try as Mickey did, he still had a hard time figuring out how exactly they had gotten to this point. Broken up, done, finished, over. Just like that. He knew what had been said, he knew what had been felt, but it still felt as if he was missing something. Something he could have said, something he could have done.

 

Mickey, of course, knew what he could have said to keep them together. But he couldn’t agree to marry Ian, even if it was some hypothetical, future marriage. He just couldn’t. He wasn’t even too sure why exactly that was but he had a feeling that Ian had hurt him more back then than he, himself was aware of.

 

This was the right thing to do. That was what he had to keep telling himself.

 

”You think he’s doing okay?” Mickey closed his eyes for a second in frustration as his sister’s question hit his ears. He sighed as he picked the dish brush up again and started scrubbing an already squeaky clean plate.

 

”Fuck if I know, Mands. I hope so” He settled on the truth.

 

As fresh as the wound was and as in love with the man as he still was, he didn’t want Ian to hurt over the break up. Granted, he probably was, but if Mickey were to choose, he didn’t want that. He wanted Ian to be happy. He wanted Ian to move on - not too quickly, of course, but his point still stood.

 

Mickey couldn’t ever see himself fall out of love with Ian, he’d already tried that. But that didn’t mean that they should be together if they would just end up resenting each other for it in the end.

 

”Can I ask you something?” Mandy’s tone was soft, wondering. Something Mickey didn’t hear a lot in association to those five words. Usually when she wanted an answer to a question, she was angry because she already had it. Or she wanted Mickey to admit something. Now, though, it was as if she just legitimately wanted to ask him something.

 

Mickey also had a feeling that he wouldn’t like said question, but despite that fact, he finished the last plate and ran his hands under the water to get rid of the some before turning around to face her, raising his eyebrows. He figured that the faster he answered her questions, the faster she would leave him be. Leave him to walk around the house, grumbling over this shit. Because yes, apparently that was a thing that he did now.

 

”What’s your reason for not wanting to get married, Mick?” Mickey had a snarky come back on his tongue, but he swallowed it, and decided to answer honestly.

 

”It’s never been a good thing for me, Mands. You know that. Mom and Terry, and me and Svet, it’s just… like a shitty voodoo or something” He finished with a sad chuckle, thumbing his bottom lip.

 

”I get that, I used to feel that way too. But I found Lana, and it’s not a bad thing anymore. I’m bound to the love of my life for the rest of it. What the fuck could be better than that?”

 

Mickey swallowed down the answer that was on the tip of his tongue. He had a fear that he never liked to think about. One that he hadn’t admitted to himself more than one or two times since Ian had first broken up with him.

 

_What if one day, I’m just not good enough anymore?_

 

Mickey’s eyes almost welled up at the thought of it. It had happened before. Bipolar disorder or not, Ian had decided that Mickey just wasn’t good enough. Despite the fact that he had fought his very hardest to be just that. It could happen again. What then?

 

If they weren’t living together, if they weren’t married well then Ian could just dump him again. And sure, it would hurt like hell, but Mickey would rather it would happen like that than have to deal with lawyers and shit. He would never be able to sit across from Ian at a table, seeing that blank stare he had seen back then, and hear the lawyers ask which one of them got their CD collection. He just fucking couldn’t.

 

”You’re scared” Mandy stated quietly.

 

Mickey hadn’t spoken a single word to her in answer to the question, but he didn’t need to. They both knew each other too fucking well. Mickey cleared his throat, eyes down on his feet, hands behind him, steadying himself against the counter. He nodded once, maybe twice in confirmation. He was scared.

 

”Besides…” He said then, lifting his head to meet his sister’s eyes. ”Ian wants a kid. I’ve got enough. I can’t take that away from him”

 

Mickey knew that they could meet in the middle, get married and not have a child together. But he also was mature enough to understand that that would never be a good solution to the issue. Mickey would be forced into something he didn’t want and Ian would be forced to give something up that he always had.

 

It was a recipe for disaster.

 

”I’m really proud of you” Mandy’s praise came completely out of the blue, and Mickey frowned, silently asking her to elaborate. ”You’re being really unselfish. Somehow you’re being a selfish jackass at the same time and I don’t know how the fuck you’re pulling that off, but… I’m proud of you”

 

Mickey chuckled loudly, nodding, right as the three younger Milkovich’s came stumbling into the kitchen, two of them very obviously hung over.

 

”Good night?” Mandy asked, a shit eating grin on her face as she took in Brian’s green tinted face and Yevgeny’s fucked up head of hair. The ash blonde locks were all over the place, and he ran his hands through it, holding his head as if he was trying - and failing - to relive some of the tension in there.

 

The darkness of his tattoos stood out against the lightness of his head and uninked skin, his short nails digging into his scalp as the hammer continued beating his brain, reminding him why he usually chose to stay away from alchohol.

 

”Here” Mickey just said in an unimpressed voice, pushing two water glasses in front of his sons along with a couple of pain pills to soothe them for a while. He would punish them - well, Brian - for underage drinking, but he knew very well that there was no point.

 

Some may say he was a bad father for it, but the reality was that Brian was almost eighteen, he was going to drink, especially on a new years eve party. He had only come home drunk maybe a handful of times before, and if you were to compare that to the kind of teenager Mickey was, he was counting his blessings.

 

Briana looked nothing but tired as she held the mini juice jug under her arm, struggling to screw the top off but eventually getting it, pouring herself a glass.

 

”Mandy?” She asked, lifting it to her lips.

 

”Yeah, bud?” Mandy was now standing in the L of the kitchen counter, holding a big cup of coffee to her lips as she waited for Briana to finish her thought. ”You think you could cut my hair?”

 

Mickey raised his eyebrows in surprise, but stayed quiet as Mandy nodded.

 

”Of course. Just the tips?”

 

”No” Briana said. ”Everything. To my shoulders, at least. After everything, I just…” She trailed off shrugging.

 

She had always been the girl with the long hair, fuck it almost went past her ass and people always complimented her on it. But now, after losing her arm and with it being a new year, she needed this. A big change. She needed it really fucking badly.

 

”Oh” Mandy nodded, her surprise evident. ”Of course I will, just tell me when you got time”

 

”Thanks” Briana smiled at her aunt before looking down into her bowl of cereal and poured some milk onto it, something she had just learned how to do, by the way.

 

Apparently lifting heavy things with your non dominant hand was harder than you’d think. Almost harder than lacing your shoes, something she was also mastering by now.

 

”So” Mandy said loudly then, quite obviously to punish Brian and Yevgeny since their Advils hadn’t quite started to kick in just yet. ”Who got a new years kiss?”

 

”He did” Yevgeny stated tiredly, to both Mickey and Mandy’s surprise.

 

”Yeah?” Mickey asked, lifting his coffee mug to his lips. ”Nice girl?”

 

As a rule, he never got too involved in his children’s love lives. If they were dating somebody, they’d bring them home, but he never really pushed them to tell him anything. Mostly because he knew his kids well enough to understand that that was something that they wouldn’t appreciate.

 

Brian put his spoon back into his cereal and swallowed before looking up at his family. Well, his father and aunt, the other two were already very aware that he was bi. He told his siblings everything.

 

”Well…” It wasn’t that he was nervous that he wouldn’t accept him for who he was, his father was gayer than Matt Bomer, and Mandy was bisexual, too, so obviously it wouldn’t be a big deal to them.

 

But for some reason, saying it out loud, making it clear to his dad, it just made everything so much more real. Things between him and Cole were great, amazing even, and he didn’t have a single speck inside of him that didn’t accept himself for being into a guy, that wasn’t it.

 

But everything had moved so fucking fast. Despite that, he took a deep breath and he spit it out.

 

”It’s um… It’s a guy, actually” Mickey’s eyebrows raised in surprise. Never in a million years, had he assumed that his son was into guys. It had always been girls he had talked about and brought home, so of course it came as a bit of a shock, but there was only one possible answer he could use.

 

”Oh. I’m happy for you, bud. Long as he treats you good” And you’re being safe.

 

The dad in him wanted to add that last part so very badly, but he knew that he would just get a groan and an ’I’ve actually had sex before, dad’ in response, something they would both rather stay away from, so he kept his mouth shut.

 

And that was it, they were all back to talking and eating as if nothing happened. Brian had known that it wouldn’t be a big deal, but his father paid it even less attention than he had originally assumed he would, something that made him very happy.

 

Because that was what being gay or bisexual was in their family, not a big deal. He had never been more grateful for that fact in his entire life.

 

  
”Brian, since I’m cutting Briana’s hair, let me cut yours too? Please?” Mandy said later when he was sitting on the couch together with his brother, both of them nursing their third cup of coffee.

 

”No!” He called back, and she rolled her eyes,

 

”It’s fucking past your shoulders by now, you look like a homeless person! It’s too heavy to even look curly anymore”

 

”It’s not curly, it’s wavy - and I like it so leave me the fuck alone about it!” Brian’s eyes were still fixed onto the cartoons on the television screen, his headache starting to pry through the light anesthesia that the Advil had provided him with.

 

Mickey was sitting by the kitchen island, answering a few work emails, chuckling. Mandy - Brian banter was something that he had always enjoyed. Sometimes they were almost more like brother and sister than aunt and nephew.

 

Mickey’s eyes were on the screen, but his mind was everywhere but. The morning had been kind of crazy, but now his mind was starting to drift back to Ian, as much as he tried not to let it. The pain in his chest hadn’t subsided at all during the past few days, and as much as he told himself that he was fine, the truth was that he wasn’t. He was getting there, though. Of course he was, he simply had no other choice.

 

Mandy put the scissors into Briana’s hair, and Mickey made a decision. It was a new year, he needed to move on, they all did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might have to upgrade to 10k chapters in whatever multi chap I write after this, I feel as if I can barely fit anything into 5k anymore lmao
> 
> Thank you all so much for sticking with this! <3


	24. Back To Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”But it’s always gonna be there, isn’t it?” Ian turned around, eyes focusing on Mickey’s, both of their facial expressions lacking emotion. Except for maybe sadness. Regret. ”You and me”
> 
> Ian blinked away a tear or two.
> 
> ”Yeah. Yeah I think so”

Somehow time crawled forwards and sped like a fucking race car at the same time.

 

Before Mickey even had the time to blink, they were almost a whole month into the new year. A month, during which Yevgeny had flown back to California. Svetlana and Mandy had come with him to help him pick up the car that his parents had bought for him. It was beautiful, and since he had gotten it, he wasn’t late for any more classes - thank god.

 

Briana had learned to tie her own hair up - despite the fact that it was just barely the length to do so. Mickey had met Brian’s boyfriend - who seemed like a great guy, by the way. Mickey had never been more happy with who one of his kids were dating. And both of the twins had gone back to school.

 

It was difficult in the beginning, of course. For both of them. For Brian to have to stop by the coach’s office, for Briana to have to go into the library. For both of them to have to walk the same hallways that they had such terrible memories from.

 

Still, despite all of that, from what Mickey saw, by now they were doing as fine as they could. Briana was still struggling with losing her arm, of course. That’s not something you can just get over in a matter of a couple of months.

 

There were some things that she still hadn’t quite figured out how to do. But Mickey had made sure to change the handle on the backdoor so that you could open it with one hand. Brian had tied all of Briana’s sneakers half loosely so that she could just pull them on instead of having to ask somebody to help her with it every time.

 

And as much as Mickey was still - understandably - mourning his relationship with Ian, under the circumstances, he was doing just fine as well.

 

There were times when he would cry into his pillow like a thirteen year old girl, and there were times when he would shamefully break out that one t shirt that Ian had accidentally left behind, just to look at it. Or smell it. But it had been almost two weeks since he had done any of that now, so in his mind, he was doing better.

 

Mickey would always love Ian, of course, they both knew that. But they just couldn’t be together, and that had to be fine. They had to be okay with that. They had had their fall back relationship for a few months, and it had been great - amazing, even. But it was over.

 

”Hey, dad?” Briana came walking into the kitchen one morning, her short hair tied up in a middle high bun, some small, brown pieces falling out around her face. Since she had cut it, it had become lighter and therefor looked as wavy as it actually was. Briana loved it, it was the exact change that she had needed after everything.

 

”Yeah, bud?” Mickey answered, not looking up from the lunch sandwiches he was making for himself to bring to work. Lately he had figured out that if he brought lunch then he could quickly go out into the car and eat it, save himself that awkward, pathetic lunch with whatever co workers he had to talk to that day. Mickey had changed a lot over the years, but the one thing that stayed the same was his attitude towards small talk. No fucking thank you.

 

”I’ve been thinking… you know about college and everything” Briana started, sitting down by the kitchen island, deciding that she had about five minutes to spill her idea to her father before she had to go.

 

Mickey hummed to let her know that he was listening, despite the fact that he wasn’t looking at her.

 

”After everything, I just… My grades aren’t that good so maybe I should put everything on hold for a while. Take a gap year or even repeat senior year”

 

Mickey frowned as he thought it over. He had to admit, it wasn’t the worst idea that his daughter had ever had.

  
”Well, you do whatever you want, bud. But I think that most people would understand why your grades aren’t the best anymore, wouldn’t you?” As Mickey was talking, he put the butter knife down and put his hands out in front of him, steadying himself against the kitchen island, looking at her.

 

Briana shrugged.

 

”I guess, yeah. But I don’t want to go to college because I’m some kind of charity case, I want to get in because I earned it”

 

Mickey sighed, nodding. That was his daughter. Always wanting to earn shit, never taking handouts. Then again, she had probably gotten it from him to begin with, so it wasn’t too surprising.

 

”Well you got a while left, right?” He told her then. ”How about you think about it?” Briana gnawed on her bottom lip for a second before finally nodding.

 

”Yeah, alright” She agreed, getting off of the barstool and grabbed her bag, hanging it over her lonely, right shoulder before grabbing her water bottle. ”I’m gonna be home right after school, do I need to grab the key?”

 

”Um…” Mickey hummed, quickly thinking over his schedule for the day. ”Yeah, bring them in case because I think that I’ll be home pretty late. Six maybe” He let her know, packing his lunch down into a tupperware container.

 

”Alright” Briana nodded, stepping around the kitchen island to press a kiss to her father’s cheek, something she hadn’t done in a while. Mickey smiled at the sweet action. ”Bye, dad!” She called as he exited the kitchen into the hallway.

 

”Bye!” Mickey called back, and right as he heard the door slam, Brian came stumbling into the kitchen. ”You’re not gonna be late?” Mickey asked his son as he went over to the fridge, getting himself a glass of orange juice. Brian shrugged as he swallowed.

 

”Not by much, no”

 

About five minutes later, Brian left the house as well, leaving Mickey alone in the kitchen, quickly cleaning up before he had to do the same. He ran a couple of plates under the water to get rid of the breadcrumbs.

 

Once he declared the kitchen counter clean enough to go to work, he turned the lights off and picked his bag up. Most of the people at his firm carried briefcases, but he had completely refused to that, no matter how unprofessional it may look. He also didn’t wear a suit, but he was fucking good at his job, so people rarely had the balls to complain.

 

Mickey ran a hand over his face, stepping into his shoes before looking over to the thermometer to see if he needed a jacket or not, deciding that it couldn’t hurt. Miami or not. He lazily looked through the few thin jackets and sweatshirts that he had. A sweatshirt was too unprofessional to wear at work, even to him, so that left him with his black denim jacket and… a lump swelled up in his throat as his eyes focused on the dark leather.

 

Mickey had worn it home, but since, he hadn’t looked at it. He could say that he had been busy but the truth was that he had probably subconsciously avoided it.

 

It was just too fucking painful.

 

The two of them had been so fucking perfect. So happy, so fucking in love and so fucking sure that they would be together for a long time, and here they were, just barely a month later. Not. Mickey didn’t think about Ian all day every day, but he did think about him every day - which was to be expected since it hadn’t been too long since they had broken up.

  
Sometimes it made him smile, made him feel grateful that they could have those few months to be together again. Sometimes it made him so fucking angry. At himself, at Ian, at Mandy, at every single person who had even the slightest finger in the game in making them get back together again.

 

If they hadn’t gotten back together, then Mickey wouldn’t be here now, hurting way more than he had in years, yet having no choice but to force himself to keep it together, back straight, chin out.

 

And then sometimes - like now - it just made him sad. Made that lump in his throat swell even a little more, made him remember every good feeling that being with Ian had ever brought him.

 

Made him wonder how the fuck they had somehow managed to get themselves here.

 

Mickey cleared his throat and took his finger tips off of the soft leather to wipe his tear. Then he did his best to collect himself, grabbing his denim jacket and walking out the door.

 

  
”One, two, three, four!” Ian counted his class’s push ups out loud, walking around them to make sure they all did it correctly. The students in this particular class were pretty old, though - about sixteen and seventeen years old - so they could handle themselves just fine.

 

After Mandy’s visit on new years day, he had officially dragged himself out of bed, and the past month had been spent working, eating, basically going through all of the motions that he had to all the while trying his absolute hardest not to think about Mickey.

 

His chest still hurt, of course. So fucking bad. He couldn’t ever remember feeling quite this bad before. Ian was angry, he was still heartbroken, he was feeling every single bad feeling in the book about this shit.

 

If he was honest, the thought to go over to Mickey’s house and say ’ _I don’t give a fuck about marriage. I just want you_ ’ had crossed his mind more than once. But ultimately, he knew exactly what would happen, were he to do that.

 

Mickey would take him back, they would be happy for maybe six months, and then Ian would start to hear that clock start to tick again. The one that told him that he wasn’t getting any younger and that he did, in fact, care about marriage. They would break up again, and they would be back here. It was so much better to just let it lie. Let the heartache live in his chest until one day, hopefully, it would disappear, or at least become ever so slightly lighter.

 

  
Mickey arrived home that night, legs aching, head pounding. He hadn’t worked a day that long in months, and he could definitely feel it. All that thinking, all that talking, observing. Sometimes he wondered if it was even worth the money.

 

Then again, he had three kids - two still living at home - so he didn’t exactly have that much of a choice. He ran a hand over his face as he walked through the darkness up to the lit house, entering it.

 

He was greeted by the smell of cooked food and Briana’s music escaping through the speakers in the living room.

 

Mickey smiled slightly at that, grateful that - somehow, fuck if he knew how - he had actually managed to raise children who not only kept themselves out of juvie, but were good people.

 

He put his bag down and toed off his shoes, hanging his jacket up on one of the small hooks before walking through the hallway to get into the kitchen.

 

”Hey” Mickey greeted his kids. Briana was sitting by the kitchen island, typing something on her computer while Brian shook the frying pan before turning around to face his father.

 

”Hey” They both said in unison. Briana ran a hand through her hair, frowning at the screen for a second before turning to look at Mickey as well.

 

”Long day?” She asked, noting that he looked nothing short of exhausted. Mickey nodded, dragging one of the barstools to the shorter side of the counter to sit down, dragging a hand down his face, doing his best to massage some of the exhaustion out of his eyes.

 

Mickey would like to say that the fact that he was tired was a result of his long day at work and nothing else, but if he was honest, he didn’t actually quite believe that to be true. He had been tired for a long time, about a month. He wasn’t that much of an idiot that he couldn’t make the connection.

 

Mickey was exhausted because being heartbroken took a lot out of you.

 

  
The next day, Ian was packing up his things, ready to go and get some lunch before he had to have his next class. His head was still pounding, his chest aching. The fact that he was up and talking, walking and working didn’t change that fact.

 

He hadn’t talked to Mickey since the day that they had broken up, and if he was honest, he had assumed - well, hoped - that it would get better with time, and who fucking knows, maybe it would at some point. But right now, it didn’t seem to get anything but worse.

 

”Ian?” Ian frowned, looking to whoever was saying his name. His eyes focused on Justin, one of the math teachers. Ian fought the eyeroll coming on from having to talk to anybody right now. He wanted to do his job and be left alone as much as he could.

 

Alas, he straightened his back and lifted his eyebrows, forcing an approachable smile onto his lips as he wondered what Justin may want.

 

It wasn’t that he had any bad feelings for the guy, if he was honest, he knew that Justin was gay, and he would be lying if he were to claim that he hadn’t looked at him before. He was pretty hot, tall, lean body, tan skin, black hair. And a great, really kind smile. Pretty great personality, too. Of course Ian had looked.

 

But that was before he had ran into Mickey again, now Justin did nothing but pale in comparison. Especially since Ian was still hurting. Fuck, it hadn’t even been a month, he was more than allowed to hurt.

 

”Look, I don’t know if this is awkward for you since we work together, but…” Justin trailed off, running a hand up the back of his neck in nervousness. Ian knew exactly what was coming before it was even out of his coworkers mouth. He had felt it coming for a while, actually, the way Justin looked at him sometimes made Ian very aware that he thought that there might be something there. ”Would you let me take you out some time?”

 

Ian smiled politely, running a hand over his hair as he actually considered it.

 

Would it make him a completely terrible person? Justin was kind, sweet.

 

Sure, Justin didn’t have a filthy mouth or knuckle tattoos. His brown eyes didn’t slice into Ian’s in the best way, and he didn’t have cute, thick, stubby legs. His skin wasn’t pale, and he didn’t thumb his bottom lip when he got nervous. Justin didn’t - Justin wasn’t Mickey. But nobody ever would be. Ian had to realize that.

 

So maybe it would be a good idea to agree to go on a date with him. What’s the worst thing that could possibly happen? It didn’t work out. That wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. So Ian smiled up at him, opening his mouth to do just that, to accept. Only -

 

”No” Was the word that escaped his lips instead. Justin frowned, his lips parting slightly in surprise. ”I’m sorry” Ian continued. ”It’s not that you’re not… I just - I just broke up with someone. A month ago, and I’m not really over it yet” I don’t know that I’ll ever be.

 

Justin’s eyes softened at the explanation, and he nodded.

 

”I didn’t know you were dating someone. I’m sorry” Ian shrugged.

 

”It’s alright. Thanks, though. Any other time I probably would have said yes” Ian assured Justin, who just smiled at him kindly.

 

”I understand. Call me if you ever change your mind, alright?” Ian saluted him, and then Justin turned around, walking away.

 

Ian stayed standing still on the grass for another moment, wondering what the fuck just happened. How the fuck - why the fuck - did he turn down a date with a hot, kind, sweet guy? He wasn’t with Mickey, even though it still felt like it sometimes.

 

Once in a while Ian would feel as if they were still in some kind of in between stage, and suddenly, out of nowhere, he knew exactly why that was.

 

  
Mickey was home before Brian and Briana that day, and he had just sat down by the kitchen island with a beer to answer some work emails when he was startled by a heavy knock on the front door. It crossed his mind to ignore it - nobody that he could think of normally knocked that violently so it couldn’t be someone he wanted to talk to.

 

Alas, after a silent beat, the knocking came back even more frantic, so Mickey sighed, rolled his eyes and got up to answer whoever wanted him so bad.

 

”Alright, alright. Calm your fucking tits, I’m coming” He yelled as he walked towards the front of the house. As soon as he swung the door open, his heart damn near hopped out of his mouth, because the person who was on the other side was somebody that he had told himself he would never see again. Or at least not for a very long time. ”Ian, what do you want?” Mickey asked as he swallowed down everything he wanted to say.

 

His eyes were focused on those beautiful, green ones and as much as he loved Ian, he really did not want to see him right now. Getting through the break up alive was difficult enough without having to lay eyes on the man he was trying so very desperately to let go of.

 

”I wanna scream” Mickey frowned.

 

”What the fuck?” Ian sighed, chewing on his tongue for a second before elaborating.

 

”Because - because we never did this alright? Either of the times we broke up. We just had a clean, polite, quiet fucking break up with really no bad blood afterwards and I need to yell, alright?” Mickey lifted his eyebrows, deciding not to point out that they had spent the better part of three hours screaming at each other. That was before they actually broke up, though, so he kind of saw Ian’s point. ”So I’m gonna stand here and scream at you, alright, Mickey? Because to move on, I think that I need that” Mickey nodded, crossing his arms and leaning against the doorframe.

 

”If you think that you need to do that, go ahead” Mickey didn’t. Ian seemed a little bit taken aback by Mickey’s simple answer, but pretty soon he collected himself and started doing exactly what he had said he needed to.

 

”Do you know how fucking hard it was for me to live those twenty years without you, Mickey?! Because I don’t think you do, alright? I know that you love me, but I never had kids or a college education to distract me! I’m not lying when I say that I thought about you almost every single day - and then when we finally find each other again, you say no to marrying me! Even hypothetically, and who fucking does that?! I - ”

 

”You shaved” Ian completely lost his train of thought at Mickey’s soft voice interrupting him. He was looking up at Ian with a small smile on his face, and Ian frowned.

 

”Yeah!” He said, voice still pumped up.

 

”I liked the beard” Ian sighed, looking at him.

 

”Why the fuck do you think I shaved?!” Mickey fought his smile at Ian’s petty, stubborn childishness. ”I love you so much, Mick, alright?!” He continued screaming then. ”But by now it’s pretty fucking obvious why we didn’t work out, isn’t it? Why we’ll never work out! It’s because of you! Because we’re too different - even more so now than we were back then! And that’s not my fault or your fault, but it’s the truth” A beat. ”And it hurts so bad!”

 

Mickey thought that Ian would continue screaming after that, but instead his body relaxed, his eyes focusing on Mickey’s. It was weird, seeing Ian standing in front of him after an entire month of radio silence. It was nowhere near as weird as it had been seeing him after twenty years, of course, but the past few months they had been together almost every single day, so his point still stood.

 

Mickey swallowed, and Ian dug his hands into the front pockets of his jeans.

 

”You finished, man?” Ian sighed at that.

 

”Yeah. Yeah okay, I’m done” Mickey nodded, absentmindedly biting his tongue a little bit. They were both quiet for another beat before Ian opened his mouth, taking a hand out of his pocket to run it over his slightly outgrown buzzcut.

 

”I um… A guy from my work, he asked me out today. I think I’m gonna say yes” Mickey’s eyebrows flew almost all the way up to his hairline as his head moved slightly up and down. He forced the lump in his throat down enough for him to be able to talk, although his voice came out rough, tired.

 

”Good for you. Hope it works out” It took every ounce of power inside of him to force the words out of his mouth, but he made it. What other answer was there really for him to use? ’ _No, don’t go. I mean, obviously we can’t be together but I still don’t want anybody else to have you_ ’ That would probably go over well.

 

”Do you?” Ian asked, his now soft voice shaking ever so slightly. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe that Mickey wanted the best for him, it just hurt to hear it in this way.

 

Mickey’s mouth formed into a sad smile as he pushed himself away from the doorframe to stand up straight again, his hands falling to his sides. He blinked his gaze down to the wood of the porch for a second before he looked back up, meeting Ian’s.

 

”What do you want from me, man? ’ _Hope you’re happy_ ’ is all I can fucking give you right now, you know that” Both of their voices were soft right now, almost whispers. Ian swallowed, nodding softly a couple of times before turning around, starting to walk towards the stairs of the porch until Mickey’s voice stopped him.

 

”But it’s always gonna be there, isn’t it?” Ian turned around, eyes focusing on Mickey’s, both of their facial expressions lacking emotion. Except for maybe sadness. Regret. ”You and me”

 

Ian blinked away a tear or two.

 

”Yeah. Yeah I think so”

 

  
_”Promise me something” Ian had said then, and Mickey had turned to him with a frown on his face, wondering what crazy shit his boyfriend was thinking of now._

 

_”What?” Ian let his hand run down Mickey’s arm, finally lacing their fingers together, and Mickey let him._

 

_”No matter what happens, we’ll always have this” He felt Mickey’s body freeze in surprise. ”Not that we’ll always be together, we don’t know that. But that we’ll always have this…” Ian trailed off, looking for the right word. ”Connection. You and me”_

 

_”I promise”_

 

  
Mickey blinked away the twenty three year old memory and pushed the door closed.

 

  
Two hours later found Mickey half laying on one of the love seats in the living room, his right hand wrapped around the neck of a bottle of Jack Daniels. He knew that it wasn’t responsible to drink when he had kids that were due to arrive home any moment, but he wasn’t really. He was mainly just holding it, taking a small sip now and then, staring straight out in front of him.

 

Mickey wasn’t sure why, but he knew that his body was completely and utterly numb. The kind of numb you become when you have just been hurt too bad. He also knew that he easily could have gotten Ian back today.

 

He could have said ’ _No, man. Please don’t go on some date. I’m so fucking sorry, but I love you. Of course I’ll marry you someday, come here, baby. Please_ ” But he hadn’t said any of that. ’ _Hope it works out_ ’ he had said. What kind of bullshit was that?

 

It wasn’t complete bullshit, though. If Mickey wasn’t with Ian, he at least wanted Ian to be happy, and maybe whoever this guy was, he could make sure of that. Mickey did hope that to be the truth.

 

”Mick?”

 

”Fuck” He mumbled under his breath as his sister entered the house as if it were her own. Then again, after almost twenty years of living like this, running over to each other’s all the time, it kind of was.

 

”Oh no” Mandy sighed as she spotted the bottle, and she walked over to him. ”Bottle of Jack. What happened?”

 

”Fuck off” Mickey grumbled, taking a big gulp of the stinging liquid, winching as it coated his throat.

 

”Ian?” He snorted in half amusement at her quick, but pathetically obvious guess.

 

”What was your first fucking clue?” Mandy didn’t say anything to that, and instead lifted her brother’s legs, taking up the other half of the seat. Mickey dropped his legs back down onto her thighs and she stole the bottle of alcohol from his grip, taking a big swing herself. ”He has a date” Mickey mumbled after a beat of silence.

 

”Yeah, I know” Mandy nodded.

 

”How?”

  
”I see him sometimes. He told me. That’s why I’m here, figured you might need someone to talk to” Mandy explained, wincing as another big swallow of the whiskey poured down into her body.

 

”You fucking thought wrong” Mickey grunted, stealing the bottle back, easing himself to sit up a little bit before he put it to his lips.

 

”I thought you were doing fine, Mick. I thought that - on some level - this was what you wanted” Mickey chuckled sadly, looking down into his lap as his head moved from side to side.

 

”I really wish it was” Mandy frowned at her brother’s statement.

 

”Then what the fuck are you doing?”

 

Mandy knew the reason why her brother and Ian broke up, and honestly, she kind of did see the logic put into it. Even without the marriage shit, they were still at completely different points in their lives.

 

Despite the fact that their ages were very similar, Mickey was almost ready to retire and go to be an old man - life experience wise, at least. And Ian was like a little boy, or a little puppy, just starting out. He wanted a husband, and kids, and he wanted to paint a white picket fence.

 

Mickey had done it all, so Mandy more than understood why they broke up.

 

What she couldn’t possibly wrap her - actually pretty smart, if she was allowed to speak for herself - mind around, though, was why they stayed apart when they were both quite obviously unhappy that way.

 

Mickey just looked at her, though, eyebrows knitted, waiting for her to elaborate.

 

”Why the fuck are you punishing yourself, huh? Why are you punishing him? You’re not happy apart, you’re happy together” Mandy, of course wanted them together, but this wasn’t about her - for once. She could truly see that they were happy together, and they weren’t happy apart, so what was the huge fucking problem? ”Just be together”

 

”It’s not that fucking simple, Mands” Mickey grunted, shaking his head as he took another swing of the whiskey.

 

”Isn’t it?”

 

Mickey frowned at his sister’s words, turning them over inside of his mushy head. His face relaxed, his eyes flickering down to the neck of the bottle resting in between his cupped hands. Was she right? it sounded so fucking simple coming out of her mouth. ’ _You’re not happy apart. So just be together_ ’.

 

But then Mickey’s mind flickered back to the reason that they broke up in the first place, and he realized that she was, in fact, incorrect.

 

It wasn’t that fucking simple. If they got back together, they would fight over this marriage thing again, and then they would break up once again, and when that time came around, he would be right here again. Sitting in his livingroom, chugging from a bottle of Jack and having stupid heart to hearts with his sister. It was so much better to cut the full circle short before it had even had the chance to begin.

 

Mickey loved Ian, he did. So fucking much. But sometimes love just… it wasn’t enough.

 

”No” He stated finally, looking up into his sister’s eyes. ”No, it’s not that fucking simple” It just wasn’t.

 

They were quiet for a beat before Mandy rolled her eyes and took a deep breath, taking the bottle of alcohol from her brother’s grasp, putting it onto the livingroom table and leaning forwards a little bit to get closer to him.

  
”Look, Mickey. You’re stubborn as fuck, but I’m gonna try to get this into your thick fucking skull. I’m gonna say this once, and you’re gonna listen, alright?” Mickey raised his eyebrows in annoyance, but kept his mouth shut. Mandy figured it to be good enough. ”Life is too fucking short, Mick. If you love somebody, and you want to be with them” Beat. ”Go and fucking get them. Deal with whatever fucking mess that brings later” She gestured out into the empty room.

 

Mickey frowned, her words tumbling around inside of his head. Not only did they sound annoyingly true, but it actually made him change his mind. ’ _If you love someone and you want to be with them - go get them. Deal with whatever mess it brings later_.’ It was actually pretty smart.

 

”Fuck” Mickey cursed, dipping his head, running his hands through his hair, tugging at his roots.

 

”What?” Mandy asked, voice soft. Mickey lifted his head, chewing at his tongue as their eyes connected.

 

”I gotta get him back”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope all of you are still liking this! <3


	25. The One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey and Ian had both been so little, fuck, they had been younger than the twins back when they had first gotten together, yet somehow, they had loved each other. Despite the fact that Mickey hadn’t known what the fuck love was at that point in his life, he had loved Ian. More than anything.

Getting Ian back turned out to be easier said than done, though. Not because Ian didn’t want Mickey, but because Mickey had a terribly hard time finding the balls to actually go and get him.

 

Almost a week after Mickey’s so called epiphany, he still hadn’t done shit.

 

Hundreds of horrifying thoughts spun and spun around in his brain; What if Ian had gone on a date with that guy already? What if they were dating now? What if Ian had completely let their relationship go at this point and it would just be embarrassing that Mickey couldn’t?

 

Mickey knew that none of these possibilities were very likely or rational, of course, but he was still terrified. Terrified of Ian’s feelings for him, terrified of his own feelings for Ian, and terrified that if they got back together, they would just find another way to royally screw things up and they would end up hating each other, regretting the fact that they got back together in the very first place.

 

His sister was on his case, of course; _’Mickey, what is the big fucking deal?’ ’Mickey, what the fuck is wrong with you?’ ’Bro, just go get him already. Jesus fucking christ’._

 

Once in a while, believe it or not, her semi-pep talks actually did help somewhat. Once he had picked up the phone and let his thumb hover over Ian’s call button. Another time he had made it all the way to the front door, fully intending on going over to Ian’s place to beg him to take him back.

 

Alas, Mickey apparently had zero balls when it came to the issue of love, so he hadn’t quite made it all the way yet.

 

It was a Thursday the morning that he had to leave the house a couple of hours earlier than the twins, so he walked into the kitchen, fully dressed, seeing them eating their breakfast. Briana nodded to him as a good morning, quite obviously very tired if the way she was lazily stirring her soggy cereal was any indication.

 

Brian was sitting on the other side of the kitchen island, the counter behind him. He let out a small, annoyed noise at the way his hair kept falling into his face and used his hand to put it behind his ear as he put another forkful of eggs into his mouth.

 

”I don’t get why you didn’t let Mandy cut that shit off” Mickey mumbled half-jokingly as he made his way towards the fridge to get the lunch he had made for himself last night.

 

”Might have to ask her soon” Brian informed his father. ”Fucking annoying” Mickey hummed at that, turning around as he fridge door slammed shut behind him.

 

”I’m gonna go to work, you guys have your keys, right?”

 

”Yeah, we’re good” Briana nodded, looking up at him.

 

”Alright” Mickey took a step forwards and dropped a kiss to the top of her head. ”See you tonight” He said, his and Brian’s palms horizontally slapping together over the island as a goodbye since they were too far away too hug.

 

”Bye, dad!” Both voices called as Mickey made it to the front door. He dropped his bag and tugged his shoes on without much thought, but as he straightened up and started looking at the jackets, he got that lump in his throat again. The one that had been there back and forth for the past twenty years without him even realizing it.

 

Mickey still hadn’t been quite able to talk himself into wearing that beautiful leather jacket. He didn’t know why, really. It should be a jacket and nothing more. And if he had just gotten it from Ian, just like that well then maybe it would have been somehow.

 

But that jacket had a deeper meaning to both of them than just some random christmas present. It was a promise that they would make each other happy. A promise that they loved each other just as much today as they had back when they had just been kids.

 

They had been. Kids, that is. Mickey and Ian had both been so little, fuck, they had been younger than the twins back when they had first gotten together, yet somehow, they had loved each other. Despite the fact that Mickey hadn’t known what the fuck love was at that point in his life, he had loved Ian. More than anything.

 

Mickey’s tongue slid in between his teeth as he took a deep breath and wrapped his hand around the leather, pulling it off of the hook.

 

  
Mickey’s day at work was a daze of meetings and phone calls and customers scrunching their noses whenever they saw who the famous - around the office, anyway - Mickey Milkovich was. No one was ever really too happy with the fact that he rather wore jeans than slacks or that he chose to carry a bag made out of cloth instead of a briefcase. But he was damn good at what he did by now, so nobody had the balls to actually say anything about it. Maybe the ink clad knuckles had something to do with it as well.

 

He had never really liked working in advertising, but at the same time he could think of a hundred worse jobs that paid less, so he was completely fine with being stuck in it. At least for now, with two kids at home to feed. However, in the past week, work - among other things like walking and quite frankly living in general - had become a lot heavier for Mickey to do.

 

It was as if every step he took felt like one further away from Ian and every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was Ian in some cozy, fucking restaurant or some shit, flirting with somebody else. Falling in love with somebody who wasn’t Mickey.

 

He knew that it was stupid, and that he still hadn’t given up on getting Ian back. But the problem was that he couldn’t just decide to have the balls to go do it. Whenever he got even remotely close to calling Ian up or driving over to his place, it was as if his throat tightened up and he simply forgot how to breathe.

 

That’s how fucking scary it was. Sure, Mickey also knew that if he said the right things, Ian would most likely take him back, but what if that somehow ended up not being the case at all?

 

”Mickey?”

 

”What?” Mickey spun around, ripped out of his thoughts by one of his coworkers tapping his shoulder. Cal was a good bit taller than Mickey, and he didn’t care too much about how much money he spent on his suit, so they actually got along quite well. At least around the office, Mickey would never have him over for a beer or some shit like that.

 

”I talked to the client, they want the font upped to a twenty and the color lightened” He handed Mickey a few papers to show him the idea, to which he nodded.

 

”Yeah, yeah. I’ll get it done, D - Sorry” Mickey groaned at the buzzing in his pocket before fishing his phone up to press ignore on whoever was calling. Mandy. Deciding he’d call her back later, he did just that and then put the device back into his back pocket. ”I was going to say, do you think we can move tomorrow’s meeting up to next Thursday?”

 

”Uh…” Cal looked over a few of the papers in his hands, checking. ”Yeah, I think we can do that, I -” Their conversation was cut short once again by Mickey’s cellphone.

 

”I’m sorry, it’s my sister. I just got to answer to make sure nothing happened” Mickey explained, eyes on the screen.

 

”Yeah, yeah. Of course, go” Cal nodded, and Mickey stepped around him to head towards the exit of the building, walking out to his car so that he could have some privacy as he called her back. Only two tones rang throughout his ear before Mandy picked up.

 

_”Hey, asshole, Why the fuck aren’t you answering?”_

 

”Bitch, I’m at work” Mickey answered in a tired ’duh’ tone. ”What the fuck’s up with you anyway? Something happen?” Mandy seemed to calm down, her sigh coming through the receiver. Mickey ran a hand over his face, trying to rub some of the sleep out of his eyes as he waited for her answer.

 

 _”Ian’s going on that date tonight”_ In a million years, Mickey would never have been able to prepare himself for the painful stab in his gut at the words. He immediately felt his eyes tear up ever so slightly, and he did his best to keep them at bay. _”I just figured I’d tell you. In case you wanted to… do something about it”_

 

Ian was really doing it. He was going on a date with another man. He was really fucking doing it. Mickey’s mind buzzed with possibilities of what that may lead to. Would they kiss tonight? Would they fuck tonight? What about in a year, would they be married by then? Maybe have a baby on the way?

 

Mickey knew that he was blowing a simple date slightly out of proportion, but he didn’t give a shit. Ian wanted that stuff, and they had broken up because Mickey couldn’t give them to him, so it was only natural that Ian - at some point - would find somebody else that could.

 

Then again, Mickey had just really been hoping that it wouldn’t be this soon.

 

 _”Get your head out of your fucking ass and go get your man, Mick. I’ll text you the address where they’re meeting”_ Mandy hissed when she didn’t get an answer from her brother. Then a click sounded, and Mickey was left alone, sitting in the car, two words for some fucking reason spinning over and over inside of his head.

 

Now or never.

 

  
After work, Mickey drove straight to the bar where Mandy had said that Ian was meeting up with his apparent date. He felt as if he was doing the only possible right thing, and yet as if he was doing something terrible.

 

Mickey had no plan, he didn’t know what he was going to say or what he was going to do. He just knew that he needed to have Ian back. In a way, Mickey was aware of the fact that maybe he was acting like a complete child. _’I want it, it’s mine!’ ’But you threw it away, now Bobby has it’ ’Well maybe I wasn’t done playing with it!’._

 

But Mickey also knew that if he didn’t at least try to get Ian back, he would never ever forgive himself for it. He would never be able to handle running into Ian another twenty years from now, seeing the ring on his finger and the wrinkles in his forehead from being up with screaming kids night after night. Mickey didn’t want that. He wanted to have a matching ring, he wanted to kiss those wrinkles.

 

Which was why at five minutes after seven, Mickey was outside of that bar in the quickly escaping daylight, swallowing thickly as he looked in through the window.

 

There Ian was. Sitting in a booth, smiling at some other guy that Mickey didn’t even give a second look. He was a complete asshole, any other possibility was just too much to handle, so that’s what Mickey decided on.

 

As Mickey watched them like a complete creep, that’s when his mind finally caught up with him, it was as if his thought had been a couple of minutes behind ever since he had taken that phone call from Mandy, but here he was. He felt his eyes start to sting a little bit as Ian’s smile widened ever so slightly at something the guy had said. Mickey fought back the tears, though, and he also forced his body to take a deep breath. Long inhale, long exhale. Then he stepped inside, wondering what the fuck he really had to lose.

 

Somehow he was thankful that they had picked a bar to have their date in instead of some fancy fucking restaurant, it made Mickey a little bit more confident to go in there. He could hear Ian’s laugh before he even stepped up to the table they were sitting at. Mickey crossed his arms and squared his shoulders, hoping that he looked somewhat intimidating as he turned to Ian’s scumbag of a date.

 

”Yo” The guy kept smiling at Ian for a second before he looked up, the happy expression dropping ever so slightly. He actually didn’t look so bad. Fucking damn it. ”I’d get the fuck out of here if I were you. Now” Mickey all but growled the last word and Ian’s date’s - Dick, Mickey decided. His name was Dick. Dick’s eyes lowered, his brows knitting together, seemingly trying his best to puzzle the pieces together.

 

”I.. Do I know you?”

 

”Mick?”

 

They spoke at the same time and Mickey’s eyes fluttered closed for a fraction of a second to collect some strength as he turned to his ex boyfriend instead.

 

”And you…” Mickey started, blue eyes icing into green. ”What the fuck - ” He cut himself off rather quickly, remembering that they were in a pretty crowded bar. Not that anybody seemed to be listening in - except for Dick, of course - but Mickey would still rather have this conversation somewhere a little bit more private.

 

His eyes flickered down to the floor for a second as he thumbed his bottom lip, the lump inside of his thick throat growing rapidly. Fuck, this wasn’t how this was supposed to go. Alas, Mickey had never been the smooth type, so he looked back up at Ian again.

 

The green eyes were softer now, sad. Just like Mickey’s. Mickey fought back some more tears as his tongue darted out to wet his lips. Thankfully, the exes had known each other for so long that they didn’t need words to convey what they felt.

 

Ian blinked at him softly before standing up.

 

”Justin, would you excuse us for a second?” Dick’s face collected about as much shock and confusion as a single person could possibly bare, but nodded a couple of times. Mickey snorted at his politeness and turned around, stomping out of the bar onto the side walk, walking a couple of steps down it. ”Mickey, what the fuck!?”

 

Ian had expected Mickey to have a scowl painted onto his face, his hands in fists and ugly curses tumbling out of his mouth. As it turned out, that wasn’t the case, though, because when he spun around to face Ian, two tears had already spilled over onto his pale cheeks, trailing down towards his chin.

 

”I’m sorry” Mickey’s voice cracked several times during the short statement, more tears escaping his eyes, one by one. Ian’s facial expression softened, his own eyes starting to sting. He felt like such a fucking idiot. Here he had been walking around, sobbing and hurting because he had just straight out assumed that Mickey was handling the breakup just fine. That maybe he was even happy about it.

 

Instead, now Ian was beginning to fear that maybe that wasn’t the truth after all. That maybe Mickey had been doing even worse than he had.

 

”I’m so fucking sorry, alright?” Mickey repeated, voice still shaking. Ian swallowed, waiting for him to continue. ”Fuck, I - ” He cut himself off, running his hands through his black hair, more tears dropping down his cheeks as he took a step forwards, tugging at the roots on his head. ”I know I said I was okay with you going out with some other douchebag, but Ian - I’m fucking not” Mickey finally admitted, sighing as he braved a look deep into Ian’s eyes.

 

A tear dropped down Ian’s cheek as well, heart suffering several stabs, aching with love for this beautiful man in front of him.

 

”Fuck, and just…” Mickey continued, taking yet another small step forwards, running a hand over his mouth. ”Just the thought of you dating someone else - loving someone else. Fuck, the image of you at the altar with someone who isn’t me, I can’t…”

 

Mickey was cut off by his own sob, eyes clenching shut in pain a his stomach knotted together. His head was spinning, and he wasn’t quite sure what was coming out of his mouth and what wasn’t. He was so fucking in love with the redheaded asshole in front of him and it was messing him the fuck up, it always had.

 

”It makes me feel like I’m gonna die” Mickey finally spit out, his voice nothing but a sad, vibrating, shaking and sighing sob as Ian took the two steps forwards and wrapped him up in his arms, Mickey’s nose buried deep in his neck. Both of their bodies simultaneously relaxed at the touch, happy to be entangled again. ”You’re supposed to be mine” Mickey’s voice was muffled both by the sobs and Ian’s skin, but Ian’s heard him just fine, and he tightened his hold on him further.

 

”I am” He promised. ”I am yours, baby. I am” Mickey’s body was still thrumming in high gear, but Ian’s warmth around him, his smell filling his nose, somehow it all made it ever so slightly better. Hearing Ian call him ’Baby’ again almost made him smile, he hadn’t quite realized how important that was for him until just now.

 

Mickey fisted Ian’s shirt, balling his hands up in between their chest, doing his best to pull the love of his life closer to him, even though it was all but physically impossible. Ian buried his nose in the black hair, eyes falling closed as he breathed in the scent that was so only and purely Mickey.

 

”I’m so fucking sorry” Ian shook his head ever so slightly at his boyfriends words, not easing his grip on him, his eyes remaining closed.

 

”Shh…” Ian just hushed quietly, wanting to have this moment.

 

They didn’t let go of each other, they just stood there, wrapped up in the other, Mickey’s quiet sobs still appearing now and then. Although, at this point they were mainly sobs of relief, love for this man thrumming all throughout his body.

 

Mickey fisted Ian’s t shirt even tighter, his eyes clenching shut. He felt as if he was a complete headcase, crying like this out in public, but he knew that Ian didn’t give a fuck, so neither did he.

 

”I’ll marry you” He finally sighed, lifting his head to look up into Ian’s surprised eyes. His lips were parted as he stared back at Mickey, shock painting his features. ”Of course I’ll marry you” Mickey continued, nodding slightly, eyes red. ”Someday, just…” He trailed off for a beat, letting his gaze flutter down to the collar of Ian’s shirt for a second before moving back up. ”Just give me some time to fucking… wrap my head around this, alright?” Ian nodded fervently, heavy sparks thrumming in his chest at the possibility of having Mickey as his husband someday.

 

”Maybe someday is all I need, Mick, fuck” A tear rolled down his cheek as he let go of Mickey’s waist to cup his face, bringing their lips together in the most perfect, soft kiss. Mickey almost sighed into it, lips easily slipping in between Ian’s immediately responding to the action. His fists tightened around the fabric of Ian’s shirt, pulling the love of his life even closer to him, never able to have enough.

 

Mickey’s head was buzzing at the feeling of finally having Ian after this long, having his arms around him, having his lips on his. The sense coursing throughout his body could only be described as one thing - he was being returned a part of himself. It was cheesy as fuck, but damn it, it was the truth. Ian was a part of Mickey just as Mickey was a part of Ian and as much as they tried to change it, or keep away from each other, they would never ever be able to do such a thing. You can’t just erase a part of who you are.

 

Mickey swallowed contentedly as they eased each other out of the kiss, a string of saliva still keeping their lips connected for a bit.

 

”Your date’s looking” Mickey stated in a monotone right as he had allowed his eyes to flutter open. Ian sighed tiredly, letting his thumb run gently over Mickey’s soft cheek, nudging their foreheads together before he turned around to look.

 

Justin was still sitting in the same booth, looking out at the couple, and Ian couldn’t quite read his expression through the shiny glass window. They had actually been having a good time before Mickey had showed up, which was why Ian would completely understand if he was angry with him. Had Mickey not been in the picture at all, well then maybe they would have had a shot. A very good shot, actually.

 

But as it was, Mickey was, in fact in the picture, and Ian wouldn’t trade his love for anything, so he just mouthed his apology to Justin. Justin was still for a bit, but then a small - and quite possibly sad - smile clad his face as he nodded a couple of times, assuring Ian that everything was okay.

 

Ian nodded back gratefully and then he turned back around to Mickey, pulling him tightly to his side, burying his nose in his hair, his lips resting against his temple.

 

”Come on, baby. Let’s go home”

 

  
”You’re wearing the jacket” Mickey turned his head to look at Ian, who’s eyes were still on the road ahead of them. Mickey couldn’t quite tell whether his mouth was stuck in a smile or a smirk, maybe it was both, but either way, it warmed him up inside to be this happy again.

 

He brought their interlocked hands up to his mouth, pressing a kiss to the back of Ian’s instead of answering. It was enough.

 

  
Once the front door was slammed shut behind them, Mickey promptly turned to Ian and wrapped the collar of his shirt into his fists, tugging him close, pressing their lips together in a deep, promising kiss.

 

Ian hummed into it, wrapping one arm safely around his waist, feeling the soft, meaningful leather under his hand, while the other one rested softly on Mickey’s left cheek. Mickey grunted, wanting more as he slipped his tongue in between Ian’s lips, sliding it safely over his, drinking in the taste that was purely toxic and oh so Ian.

 

”Kids home?” Ian hummed in between kisses. Mickey thankfully shook his head no.

 

”Out”

 

”Good”

 

With those words, talking was over. Mickey deepened the kiss as Ian pushed the christmas present off of his shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. The fists tightened on Ian’s shirt as they stumbled ever so slightly closer to the stairs together, still wrapped up into one. Mickey didn’t really think about what he was doing as he jumped up, wrapping his legs around Ian’s waist as if he were a little kid.

 

Thankfully, Ian was quick and accepted him, placing his hands on his thighs, holding him up, their lips working against each other, tongues sliding, tasting, drinking in every single detail of the other.

 

”I fucking love you” Mickey mumbled, moving his lips to the crook of Ian’s neck as the redhead started taking the stairs, making it to the top step just as easily as he had the last time he had carried Mickey up there.

 

Ian moaned in pleasure as Mickey’s mouth worked against his thin skin, tongue drawing circles, teeth nipping softly every now and then, lips sucking in a way that was sure to cause a bad hickey, not that either of them gave a shit.

 

His eyes were closed, arms wrapped around Ian as he carried Mickey into the bedroom, letting the door fall shut behind them. Mickey’s feet hit the carpet as Ian lowered him down, and he pulled his head out of Ian’s neck, pressing their lips together into another searing kiss, feeling the buzz of it all the way down to his toes.

 

How could this be anything other than true love? How could they be anything other than each other’s the one? There was just no way.

 

Mickey slowly loosened his grip on Ian’s shirt in order to push his open hoodie off of his shoulders, letting it fall to the floor with a small, soft sound. Ian wrapped his arms tightly back around Mickey’s waist, their tongues massaging over each other’s.

 

”I love you” Mickey mumbled into Ian’s mouth. ”Fuck, I love you. I’m so fucking sorry” He pulled away from the kiss as he sighed the words, voice clouded with regret. Their foreheads were still leaning against each other as Ian shook his head, a small smile on his lips.

 

”It’s okay, baby. It’s all okay now. I love you” He quietly assured him, and their soon happy grins met in another deep kiss, Mickey again using Ian’s shirt to tug him closer to him as they stumbled towards the bed, Ian pushing Mickey down and climbing on top of him.

 

Mickey spread his legs, letting Ian in between as the makeout session got even more heated, his hands sliding up under Ian’s shirt, taking in every curve of the warm, comforting skin that stretched so beautifully over his muscles.

 

The men pulled apart for a second to throw both of their t shirts to the side, and then Ian dipped down again, meeting Mickey in another blazing kiss, their tongues colliding. Mickey’s entire body was vibrating, thrumming, brain shut off as he leaned into every single touch that Ian was giving him.

 

Without pulling away, Ian reached down to undo Mickey’s jeans, smoothly sliding them down his legs. Mickey pressed another two, searing kisses to Ian’s lips before pushing him off so that they could both get rid of the rest of their clothes, pants, socks and boxers joining their shirts somewhere on the floor.

 

Once they were finally completely naked, Mickey wrapped his fist around the dog tags, his lips forming a grin, body buzzing at the fact that he was still wearing them.

 

His arms snaked around Ian’s torso, pulling him back down on top of him, lips parting slightly, Ian’s sliding perfectly in between them, the makeout session continuing in all its glory. How they fuck they had ever believed that they didn’t need each other to survive was at this point completely beyond them.

 

Mickey wrapped his legs around Ian, pressing him down slightly, grunting into his mouth when their cocks slid over each other, teasing them both.

 

”Fucking need you, man” He sighed before capturing Ian’s lips in another kiss, then pulling away ever so slightly again. ”Been way too long”

 

Ian hummed, letting his hands softly slide down Mickey’s body, from his ribs down to his thighs, kneading the soft flesh. The kiss deepened as Mickey moaned, lifting his hips, bucking up into both Ian’s hands and against his cock, some of their precome blending together.

 

However, soon Ian pulled away from the kiss. Mickey’s eyes fluttered open, his body relaxing, a frown taking over his features as Ian’s hand moved up to his hair, the pad of his thumb gently running over his temple.

 

”What?” Mickey asked confused, and Ian bit his bottom lip.

 

”I was kind of thinking” Ian took a beat, his eyes flickering down to Mickey’s neck and then up again. ”That I wanted to switch it up tonight”

 

”You want to bottom?” Mickey asked confused. The thought hadn’t crossed his mind in a long time, fuck even when they were just kids and trying out all kind of crazy new shit in bed, Ian had only actually bottomed about five times as far as Mickey could remember. For him at least, he didn’t know how many times Ian had been ass up for other people, nor did he care to.

 

Ian nodded.

 

”You want to?” If Mickey didn’t feel like topping then he definitely didn’t want to, this was their first fuck after their breakup, they both needed to feel good about it.

 

”Yes” Mickey nodded. ”Yes, fuck” He confirmed again, placing a hand on the back of Ian’s neck and tugging him down to meet his lips again, easily flipping them over so that he was straddling his torso.

 

Ian let his hands rest on Mickey’s thighs, kneading the skin as their mouths moved together, already sending jolts of anticipation down their spines. Mickey’s hands were laid against the side of Ian’s neck, fingers wrapped in the short, red hair.

 

”Do it” Ian soon whispered into Mickey’s mouth, and the older man pulled away to look down into the green eyes.

 

”Yeah?”

 

”Yeah” Ian confirmed, and Mickey dropped a last, perfect kiss to his lips before he leaned over to the nightstand, pulling the drawer open and getting a hold of a condom along with his lube.

 

”How long’s it been since you…?” He asked, dropping the condom to the side for now as he laid down a little bit more on top of his partner, who swallowed, eyes on the blue pair.

 

”I… I haven’t, actually. Not since you”

 

Twenty years was a long time, and Ian knew that. Of course he had fucked a lot of people, but bottoming had never really been his thing, he had always been a top. But once in a while with Mickey - like now - it felt as if they both needed it.

 

Mickey needed to feel as if he was regaining some control and Ian needed to somehow relax and surrender, trust. In those moments, switching it up was perfect.

 

”So go slow, okay?” Ian added after a beat. Mickey seemed a little bit surprised that it had been that long since Ian had last been on the bottom, but he nodded, dipping his head to press a kiss to those perfect lips.

 

”Of course, baby” He muttered against them, and then he pulled away a little bit again and popped the cap off of the lube, preparing two of his fingers. Mickey laid down even a little bit more, looking down as he reached his hand down in between Ian’s legs. Ian spread them to grant him better access, wincing slightly at the cold sensation when his boyfriends fingers grazed his puckered hole. ”It’ll warm up” Mickey assured him, their eyes connecting again, their foreheads almost leaning together. He moved his middle finger around in circles, not pressing just yet, but just making sure that Ian felt safe and ready. ”You good?” Ian asked soon, and Ian nodded yes, eyes closed.

 

Mickey kept his eyes fixed on his face as he gently eased the first finger into him, fighting not to moan at the way Ian’s perfect ass was hugging it. His mind was buzzing, body thrumming in anticipation, thirsting for the feeling of actually having his cock inside of Ian.

 

”Fuck” Ian’s eyebrows knitted together, teeth digging into the inside of his bottom lip. Mickey dipped his head to lean their foreheads together as he gently starting fucking Ian looser, sliding his finger in and out of his tight hole. Ian’s hand was on Mickey’s shoulder, the grip tightening every now and then.

 

”You’re doing so good” Mickey sighed in assurance just as he slowly and easily worked the second finger into him, starting to scissor them, stretching Ian open and ready to take his cock. Small, beautiful moans started to tumble out from in between Ian’s parted lips, and Mickey closed his eyes, breathing into his mouth, just listening to every single reaction that he was dragging out of him.

 

Mickey kept working Ian open for a good long while, making sure that he was completely ready both physically and mentally because the last thing he would ever want to do was for it to hurt more than it had to.

 

”I’m good” It was Ian who finally gave the green light, and Mickey lifted his head, eyes fluttering open.

 

”You’re sure?” Mickey asked, to which Ian nodded, tugging him down to meet him in another deep, searing kiss. It went on for a couple of more, and then Mickey lifted his head, gently and slowly easing his fingers out of Ian and then reaching for the condom laid out on the sheet beside Ian’s head.

 

Ian observed him as he prepared his cock, eyes focused on the beautiful way his brows were knitted together, black hair in a mess after all the tugging that had been done. It was amazing, really. How after every single thing that they had been through, they were still here. Together. They were somehow connected at the soul, and no one would ever be able to convince Ian of anything different.

 

Once Mickey had the condom on and was slicked up with probably double the lube that they usually used when they fucked, he laid back down completely on top of Ian again. Ian spread his legs almost as far as he could, welcoming his boyfriend in between.

 

”You good?” Mickey asked, the tip of his cock nosing Ian’s entrance, their eyes connected. Ian nodded yes and they both smiled, Mickey dipping his head, capturing his lips between his own right as he started to slowly and carefully ease into Ian.

 

Ian winced at the feeling, not sure whether it felt really fucking good or really fucking bad. Mickey’s cock stretched him out, filled him up so good, but at the same time, it had still been years since he last had bottomed, so of course there was some uneasiness.

 

The perfect way that Mickey kissed him distracted him a little bit, though, which was probably the point of it. Their lips lazily tangled together, Ian flinching now and then, the sound usually mixed together with somewhat of a moan, as if he couldn’t quite decide.

 

”It hurt too bad?” Mickey asked into his mouth once his cock was a little over halfway in. Ian shook his head, placing a hand on the back of his neck to pull him down for another deep kiss.

 

”Keep going” He assured him, and Mickey did so, both of them sighing in relief as he bottomed out. He stayed still for a minute, their breathing fanning each other’s tongues as they adjusted. Ian swallowed thickly, eyes closed as his ass clenched and unclenched around Mickey’s cock, feeling himself throb at the sensation.

 

Mickey’s forehead was leaning against Ian’s his eyes clenched shut at he struggled not to shoot right then and there. Ian’s ass felt so tight and so fucking perfect wrapped around him, it was as if he could almost feel every curve and ridge of his inner walls as they throbbed and thrummed against each other, the red hot heat trapped in between them.

 

Ian nodded once, and Mickey took the hint, pulling out almost all the way, and then sinking back into his partner again, moaning into his mouth as his ass enveloped his cock once again.

 

”Fucking perfect” Mickey sighed into his mouth, and Ian grinned, tugging him down for an actual kiss, lips slipping in between his as Mickey rolled his hips again, fucking Ian deep, slow and tenderly, in that special way that he would always frown at back when they just started out. When they did it like this, the thrusts this slow, the kisses this slow, no matter who topped and who bottomed, it never felt like fucking, because it wasn’t.

 

Mickey kept rocking into Ian safely, their mouths moving together as they swallowed each other’s moans.

 

This was making love.

 

The bed moved with them ever so slightly, and a thin layer of sweat showed up on their skin, their stomachs knotting up in the best way. The room was filled with the quiet creaking of the bed, their soft moans, groans and the almost silent smacking of their lips whenever they pulled apart only to go in for more. It was nothing short of completely perfect.

 

Mickey reached down to wrap a soft, sure hand around Ian’s straining erection, stroking it a couple of times to bring him closer to the edge.

 

With all the love and passion riding between them, it didn’t take long at all for both of them to stumble over it simultaneously, grinning, chuckling into each other’s mouths afterwards, so fucking high on each other. So fucking in love.

 

They still had a fuck ton of shit to figure out, but they were together. And right now, that was the one and only thing that mattered.

 

  
”Oh, come on. Stop messing around” Yevgeny shook his head at the words, bringing his hand in under her chin, turning her head back to look at him.

 

The rain was still pouring outside of the window, just as it had been for days, so they were, inside in bed together. Safe, happy. Yevgeny’s stomach was warm, buzzing with the feeling of being this fucking in love.

 

”I’m not messing around” He promised, lacing their fingers together, eyes on the contrast of the long, white nails against the gray, tattooed skin.

 

”Your family doesn’t even know about me” She pointed out, and Yev sighed, their eyes connecting again.

 

”I know. I’m gonna find the right time, I promise” He did feel bad about the fact that his family didn’t know about Charlie, but in his defense, he really hadn’t found the right time yet. School shooting, Briana’s arm, everything had just been mashed together into one big pit of hell for a few weeks and it had honestly just slipped his mind. ”So what do you say? Huh?”

 

Charlie rolled her eyes, using her free hand to comb through her messy, hazel colored hair, chewing on the inside of her bottom lip.

 

”Yev, people don’t get married in college. It’s just - it’s not normal” She chuckled, and Yevgeny eased himself up onto his forearm, looking down at the beautiful girl beneath him.

 

”So? I’m not normal. What I feel for you is definitely not normal” He argued, a smile taking over his lips. The room was quiet, the sound of muffled rain filling their ears as their eyes stayed glued together, Yevgeny patiently waiting for an answer. ”I wanna be with you forever. Why can’t we just… start now?”

 

Charlie blinked up at him, reaching her free hand up to tuck the free strands of his blonde hair behind his ear.

 

”Fine” She finally nodded, a grin stretching across her face, and soon Yevgeny had one to match it.

 

”Yeah?”

 

”Yeah”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not to self: Don't ever procrastinate writing because once you go to bed you're gonna force yourself to finish it anyway, no matter how exhausted you are and you're not gonna be happy with how it turned out. 
> 
> lmao please leave a comment or kudos to make me feel a little bit better once I wake up? <3
> 
> Thank you so much to all of you for sticking with this!


	26. I'd Rather Be Working For Something (Than Praying For The Rain)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sure, someday he would want to marry Mickey, and maybe a day past that point he would want a child of his own. But those were all bridges that they would cross whenever they came to them. Neither of them were ready to have those discussions right now, much less actually do those things.

Mickey’s eyes fluttered open, slowly but surely as he struggled not to let in too much light all at once. He should really get better at remembering to draw the drapes, the sun always ended up right on his pillow in the morning.

 

His aching body was still spread out over Ian’s sleeping frame, the long, octopus like arms wound tightly around his waist, Ian’s chin on top of the black hair. Mickey furrowed his brows, his eyes falling closed once again as Ian’s beautiful, steady heartbeat lulled him back into some kind of state in between sleep and consciousness.

 

He hadn’t gotten much sleep in the past few weeks, the heartbreak and the sadness had kept him awake, his mind spinning over the breakup. How the fuck they had gotten to that point.

 

But it didn’t matter now, it was all over with. Despite the fact that they clearly had some issues that they needed to deal with, some compromises to be made and some talking to be done, they were together again. And as fucking cheesy as it sounded, right now, that was truly all that mattered.

 

“You awake?” Ian’s quiet, deep, groggy morning voice traveled into Mickey’s ear, his arms tightening a little bit around his body. Mickey let out a dark hum, his mouth pulling into a soft smile before he lifted his head to press a soft kiss to the skin stretched across Ian’s collarbone.

 

Ian sighed at the feeling, his eyes not open yet. For some reason he felt as if all of this was too good to be true. He was back in Mickey’s bed, arms wrapped around the love of his life.

 

Things just couldn’t get any fucking better than that, and it scared him a little bit. What if he opened his eyes, and all of this had been some kind of dream? A figment of his own imagination? A wish.

 

However, he felt the man on top of him move around a little bit, and something in front of his face blocked a few strays of the sun. Ian slowly let his eyes open, and they immediately focused on the blue ones. Mickey’s eyes were big, beautiful, just as they always had been.

 

Maybe it was for Ian and Ian alone, but the light blue color was always bright, filled with kindness and compassion. Everything and anything that had made Ian fall so deep in love with this man from the very beginning back in the south side.

 

It had been such a long road, so many years apart, so many bumps in the road, so many obstacles that they weren’t supposed to overcome. But somehow they had. They had overcome all of it, and here they were. Together.

 

At thirty seven and thirty nine years old, they were just as in love with each other as they had been when they were sixteen and eighteen. That had to mean something.

 

“You’re so fucking beautiful” Mickey’s eyes softened even further at the way Ian’s voice hugged the words, his head tilting a little bit to the side as his mouth formed a smile. Ian’s hands were splayed out over his lower back, his fingertips resting right above his dimples.

 

Mickey’s gaze drifted away from the green eyes for a second, landing on Ian’s temple as he placed his hand onto the side of his face, his fingertips gently brushing over the red hair.

 

“You too, baby” He finally spoke back, and Ian’s mouth pulled into a cheesy grin. Mickey calling him petnames had always been one of his weaknesses. Ever since they had been kids. Although, back then it had mostly been just to mock or tease Ian.

 

Their eyes were glued together for another moment before they met each other in a deep kiss, Mickey’s bottom lip easily sliding in between Ian’s as they tasted each other, eyes closed, hands just resting on each other, not needing it to lead anywhere right now.

 

Ian hummed, his tongue sliding into Mickey’s mouth, his head spinning, stomach turning. Twenty three fucking years since their lips had first met, and yet, every single time that they kissed, Ian’s body reacted the same. Mickey was his soulmate, his magic. There was just no other explanation.

 

Mickey sighed contentedly, both of his hands resting against Ian’s neck, his thumbs laid onto his chin as the kiss deepened a little bit, their bodies filling with the sensation of home. Soon, they pulled away, their foreheads still resting against each other, their eyes staying closed for a beat.

 

“I’m sorry” Mickey frowned at Ian’s words, lifting his head, looking down into his eyes.

 

“What for?” Ian swallowed, his gaze drifting over Mickey’s face, over his parted, shiny lips, up to his temple, finally landing back on the blue orbs again.

 

“Everything” There was not a hint of amusement hiding in his voice, and it made Mickey’s brows furrow further. “I shouldn’t have come here that day, and I shouldn’t have told you about the date because I shouldn’t even have been considering it”

 

If Ian was honest, a part of him had always known that they would end up here again, entangled under the warm covers, kissing, loving each other just as hard as they always had and always would.

 

That fact just made the date even worse of a choice because in a way, he had cheated on Mickey. In his mind, anyway. He knew that nobody else would ever really see it that way.

 

“It’s okay” Mickey assured him with a sigh. “Ian, we’re fucking here, alright? Together” Ian blinked up at him, face neutral. “Anything else is just… “ Mickey shrugged, trailing off for a second. “It’s over”

 

“You and me?” Ian asked, moving a hand up to the back of Mickey’s neck, pressing his head down so that their foreheads were touching again. Mickey let out a chuckle, nodding, at the moment not giving a single fuck how cheesy this was.

 

“You and me” He agreed. “Promise me something” He added after a beat.

 

“Anything” Ian spoke back without a single moment’s hesitation, his eyes completely glued to Mickey’s, both of them unable to look away. The orbs were too beautiful, too pure, too revealing.

 

“I don’t want to do this again” Mickey’s voice was still husky from sleep, which was why most people would probably classify the small crack of it as a result of just that. Ian didn’t, though, he knew better. He sighed softly, his thumb rubbing small, comforting circles on Mickey’s jawline as he nodded.

 

“Yeah, me neither, baby. You know that”

 

“So whatever the fuck we go through…” Mickey continued, his finger tips tangling themselves into the short, red hair as much as possible.

 

His eyes were wandering over Ian’s face, his lips, not quite sure enough of himself to keep the eye contact going as he did his best to express what was going on inside of his head. “If we fight or something happens, just… we figure it out, alright? I mean together, no more fucking breakups”

 

It was a big deal, promising each other forever, altar and rings or not. But the thing was that somehow… it really wasn’t. Even though Mickey wasn’t ready to get married yet - and honestly, Ian wasn’t either - that did nothing to change the fact that they wanted each other forever.

 

They had tried to be apart - fuck, if twenty years wasn’t a noble attempt, then what the fuck was? But they couldn’t. Sure, they could breathe, walk and talk. But that wasn’t really living.

 

Ian’s stomach warmed up at Mickey’s words. He wanted this man for the rest of his life, there was not a single doubt in his mind about it. And no rings and no papers could possibly make that fact stronger or weaker. Ian and Mickey, together. It should just be that fucking simple. And for once, it felt as if maybe it actually was.

 

“Of course” Ian finally breathed, the air feathering Mickey’s lips. “No more breakups. Ever. You know what that means?”

 

“What?” Mickey lifted his head, his smile slowly forming into a grin to match Ian’s. His arms tightened around Mickey’s body, the skin soft under his hands.

 

“Forever”

 

Back when they had first started up - fuck, even two months ago - the word would have scared Mickey shitless. For some reason, ‘ _Forever_ ’ felt bigger than ‘ _Always_ ’. But either way, today, it didn’t. It didn’t scare him, because rings or not, always and forever was exactly what Mickey wanted to have with Ian.

 

They were completely addicted to each other, in the best possible way. Nothing would ever be able to change that, not that they would ever want to.

 

Because even when they were apart, they were somehow with each other, in love with the other and the breakups they had gone through with each other was more than enough proof of that. Neither of them had ever been able to let the other go, and they never would.

 

“Always” Mickey agreed, and then dipped his head to mold their grind into a perfect kiss, both of them sighing at the wonderful feeling. His hands were still resting against the sides of Ian’s neck, the pads of his fingertips rubbing softly into his short hair. Soon, Mickey broke the kiss, frowning down at his partner.

 

“What?” Ian asked, slightly confused at the quick stop.

 

“You need to grow your beard back out” Mickey informed him, eyes wandering over his chin and cheeks, missing the red stubble and the burn on his own face to go with it. His eyebrows were knitted, and Ian fought a laugh attack at how adorably serious he looked.

 

“Yeah?” He asked, teeth digging into the inside of his bottom lip. “You like the beard?” Mickey grinned, going down for one, deep kiss. Afterwards he pulled away from it, just enough that he could speak.

 

“Yes. It’s fucking hot”

 

It was far from the first time that Mickey had let his feelings about Ian’s facial hair be known, but it never failed to make Ian’s body all tingly. The way his voice went down in pitch. Ian hummed, the vibrations rolling into Mickey’s bottom lip since their mouths were still touching a little bit.

 

“You know if I start growing it out, you’re not gonna be able to sit on my face for a while” Mickey frowned, mind flickering back to that one unfortunate time in their teenage years when Ian had just started to grow out a tiny bit of hair on his face, and Mickey had done just that. The burn in his ass had been so fucking bad that he hadn’t even been able to move for three whole days. And it hadn’t been the good kind of burn either.

 

Finally Mickey hummed, pressing their lips closer together for a second before pulling away again.

 

“So maybe I should do it now, huh?” Ian grinned, tightening his hold on the back of his boyfriends neck, tugging him down for a deep, searing kiss, taking a deep breath to savor the feeling.

 

Mickey hummed into it, his eyes fluttering closed, unable to believe that anything in the entire fucking world would ever be able to measure up to having Ian’s lips slotted in between his own. The very first time that Ian had ever stolen a kiss, this one, and every single one in between were some of the best moments of Mickey’s entire existence.

 

“Come on, baby” Ian breathed once the kiss had been broken, the words fanning over Mickey’s lips. “Ride my face. I’ll make you feel so good”

 

“Fuck” Mickey cursed, feeling his cock start to harden in between their bodies. Ian grinned, gratefully accepting the last kiss his parted placed onto his lips before he straightened up, his hands slipping down from Ian’s neck onto his chest, gently running up and down a couple of times.

 

Ian kept grinning up as Mickey climbed up his body. The redhead slid down a little bit to meet him half way, and wrapped his arms tightly around his thighs as Mickey placed his knees on either side of his face.

 

“You good?” Mickey asked, not sitting down quite yet. Ian hummed in response, and Mickey’s tongue darted out to wet his lips.

 

“Come on, baby” Ian said again, reaching to separate Mickey’s thick, beautiful cheeks, exposing the perfect, pink rim. Finally, Mickey sighed and relaxed a little bit, sinking down onto Ian’s face, head immediately tilting backwards a little bit as he got himself ready for the unbelievable pleasure that was surely going to take over his body in just a moment. Face riding wasn’t really something that they did a lot, but any time that they actually did do it, they both wondered why the fuck that was.

 

Mickey fucking loved riding Ian’s tongue, rocking his hips, crying out in pleasure, just as much as Ian enjoyed eating Mickey’s ass, hearing his reactions, knowing that the intense sounds were a reaction to his tongue and nothing else.

 

Mickey placed his hands onto the headboard, his eyes falling shut, brows furrowing in pleasure right as Ian tightened his grip on his cheeks, sticking his tongue out, circling the rim. Softly at first, teasing them both.

 

“Fuck” Mickey choked. It had been way too fucking long since they had done this.

 

His teeth dug into his bottom lip as Ian pretty quickly got more into it, hugging his thighs tighter, separating Mickey’s ass further so that he could really get to work.

 

His eyes were closed, his tongue rubbing over Mickey’s hole, the tip sometimes getting caught inside as his lips worked around the area, sucking, driving Mickey even closer to insanity. “Fuck” Mickey’s thick voice clouded the room once again.

 

Ian’s own erection bopped at the sound, his stomach flipping at the beautiful way that Mickey was reacting to him. His eyes opened for a second, and then he closed them again, getting even deeper into it, working his tongue inside of Mickey and then pulling it out again, doing everything in his power to drive his partner to insanity.

 

Mickey’s brows drew themselves closer together as he started rolling his hips a little bit, craving even more of Ian’s tongue. His knuckles whitened at the force of his grip, his teeth digging into both his tongue and his bottom lip so hard that he could almost taste blood. His head was completely spinning as he started rocking back and forth with bigger movements, chasing down those forceful pulses of pleasure.

 

Ian hummed, tightening his grip on Mickey’s thighs, kneading his ass as harshly, urging him on, silently asking him to take full advantage of his face as he kept fucking his hole with his tongue, sucking around the rim, doing anything in his power to make those beautiful sounds escape out through Mickey’s lips.

 

The bed started rocking, banging against the wall a little bit as Mickey started using ever bigger movements, fucking himself on Ian’s tongue, grinding down, pressing himself onto Ian’s tongue as his stomach started buzzing even harder, driving him closer and closer to the edge.

 

Ian took it, breathing whenever he had the change, feeling his own cock start to ache, begging him to give it attention. He worked his tongue and lips over and into his boyfriend’s hole, rubbing sure circles, pulling away when Mickey did so, only to be able to go in for even more, almost as if he was making out.

 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck” Mickey cursed through his teeth, doing his best to be as quiet as possible since odds were that his kids had arrived home by now. That was easier said than done, though, because with the way Ian was working him, he could barely remember their names. Fuck, he probably couldn’t even tell you what his own was.

 

Mickey’s nails dug into the dark wood of the headboard as he started riding Ian’s tongue with even more force, his entire body tingling as he felt his orgasm start to build up.

 

He could usually come untouched with Ian’s cock up his ass, but it had been a fucking long time since he had come untouched with help of just a tongue or some fingers. Then again, this was Ian. His body always responded to Ian.

 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, Ian. Fuck” Mickey kept chanting, eyes clenched closed in pleasure, his fucking scalp tingling. Ian hummed and moaned loudly, knowing full well that the vibrations of the sound would roll straight into Mickey and push him even closer.

 

By now, Mickey was completely unable to form words, and instead rocked back and forth, grunts, moans and howls falling from his lips, his balls tightening beyond belief. Finally, he ground down onto Ian with extra force, three more times, then he was there.

 

Ian’s grip around his thighs tightened, pulling him down hard against his face so that he would stay seated.

 

Mickey’s body thrummed, shook and vibrated through the incredibly intense orgasm, and Ian kept working his hole with his tongue, leading him through it in the best possible way. Come - way more than what should really be physically possible - painted the wooden headboard in front of Mickey, his grip on the item tightening even further, his head thrown back, Ian’s name falling from his lips over and over again.

 

Finally it slowed down, and he started to come back down to earth again, his lips staying parted as he breathed heavily, trying to get his body to catch up with him. Ian helped him off of his face, letting him lay down onto the mattress, his cheek against the pillow, facing his boyfriend.

 

Ian smiled gently as he observed his partner’s flushed face. Mickey’s eyes were still closed, his inhales and exhales heavy. Ian was also out of breath, but it was seemingly catching up to him a little bit faster than to Mickey.

 

“You good?” Ian asked, reaching out and pulling his love closer to him, wrapping him up in his arms.

 

Mickey was too tired and fucked out to do anything but hum, his body still struggling to snap out of high gear as he laid his head down on Ian’s chest, his eyes still closed. The room was quiet for a beat, save for the soft sound of their contented sighs.

 

“You need me to blow you?” Mickey’s tired voice rang through the room, but Ian just shook his head, pulling his boyfriend closer to him.

 

“I already came” He spoke, making Mickey frown and lift his head along with the covers. Ian’s lower abdomen was covered in the white, sticky liquid, his cock soft again.

 

“Seriously, man?” Mickey snorted, letting go of the covers and curling up on Ian’s chest again, still too exhausted from his orgasm to do anything else just yet. “You really like that shit?”

 

Mickey loved it, of course, but it came as a little bit of a surprise that Ian was so into it that he came from it alone. Then again, Mickey had shot his load sucking Ian’s cock several times so maybe it was close to the same thing.

 

Ian hummed, tightening his grip on Mickey’s frame, wishing that it was possible to pull him even closer. Mickey’s eyes fell closer, his throat making a soft humming sound when he felt Ian’s lips press a kiss to his hair.

 

“I love you so much” Ian’s voice was quiet, and the words were muffled by the black strands, but Mickey heard them, pulling himself closer to his partner even though it was almost impossible, the way their bodies were pressed up against each other.

 

“I love you too” Mickey mumbled, pressing a kiss to Ian’s collarbone.

 

Mickey’s seventeen yearold self probably would have clocked him for even thinking such a cheesy thought, but the truth was that nothing would ever be able to beat this feeling. Sure, the sex was more than amazing, and if he was honest, it was kind of fun to actually do things with Ian to. Like go visit his family for christmas. But no matter what, this would always be Mickey’s favorite thing to do with his boyfriend. Just lay entangled under the covers, listening to each other’s heartbeats and breathing.

 

The sounds that reminded Mickey that yes, this was real life. Ian was here. They were both here, together. Through anything and everything, they had made it. Sure, they would have to figure out the marriage and baby thing later, along with some other shit, he was sure. Fuck, they hadn’t even hit forty yet. But it didn’t matter.

 

Because they were forever. They had agreed that no matter what went sideways in their lives from now on, they were always and forever.

 

  
It was a little bit later than usual when Mickey and Ian finally dragged themselves down into the kitchen, which meant that Brian and Briana were both already up, eating their breakfast. Briana noticed them first, and put down her phone in favor of picking up her glass of juice as her eyes traveled to her father and then to Ian, and then back again.

 

“You guys are back together?” She asked, no real, virtual emotion in her voice. Good or bad. At his sister’s voice, Brian frowned and looked up from his bowl of cereal, waiting for them to answer. Ian swallowed, looking to Mickey, figuring he’d like to take this one. Their eyes connected for a moment before Mickey nodded, turning his head back to look at the twins.

 

“Yeah… we are” He spoke, walking over to the fridge to get the milk. “Are you okay with that?” He somehow felt the need to ask then. Ian poured some cereal into a bowl of his own as he waited for an answer, feeling nervous for some reason. He did know that Mickey’s kids had liked him in the past, but it was more than possible that they were holding a grudge about the fact that things had ended. As it turned out, that wasn’t an issue, though. Brian just nodded.

 

“Yeah, yeah. We just… don’t want to hear it” He said meaningfully, and Ian’s eyes fell closed in embarrassment. Briana snorted, swallowing the last gulp of the yellow liquid before standing up and carrying her bowl over to the sink.

 

“Fuck, I’m sorry, bud” Mickey said, and Brian shrugged.

 

“It’s alright. Good to have you back, Ian” Ian gave him a nod as the brunet stood up, collecting his things. “We gotta go, Bri. Gonna be late”

 

“Yeah, yeah” Briana nodded and surprised everyone by turning to Ian, giving him a hug. In a way, despite their hours in the library, and the fact that she obviously liked him, she had always been sort of closed off. Ian pushed past his surprise and returned the hug, his eyes connecting with Mickey’s over her head.

 

Mickey just shrugged, smiling a little bit at him, stomach somehow warming up at the fact that his kids seemed to get alone with his partner just fine.

 

“Good to have you back” Briana repeated her brother’s words before she let go, and Ian nodded. Mickey walked over to him as they watched the kids pack up all of their bookstore school, looking around to make sure that they didn’t forget anything. It felt good, somehow. Normal. Domestic. To just stand in the kitchen and watch the kids leave for school.

 

It was such a normal thing to do.

 

“Are you coming to the game tonight?” Brian asked, seemingly direction the question to all three of them as he fought to zip his fat bag up, finally getting it.

 

“Yeah, I’ll be there, bud” Mickey assured him, placing the rim of his coffee cup to his lips. Then he looked to Ian, wondering whether he would feel like going to his son’s basketball game. Somehow that felt normal too, something that only a full blown step dad would do. Then again, Ian wasn’t that far from it anymore.

 

“I’ll come too” Ian nodded finally. “If you want me too”

 

“Yeah, sure” Brian nodded, a little bit stressed about how exactly he was going to make it to class on time after sleeping for such a long time. Briana was standing by the doorway, waiting for him to get everything together.

 

Once the front door slammed shut, Mickey turned to Ian, wrapping his arms around his waist, looking up at him.

 

“You look happy” Ian commented, returning the embrace, lacing his fingers together on the back of Mickey’s neck. They were both quiet for a beat before Mickey finally nodded.

 

“I am”

 

If he was honest, he hadn’t really been this happy in a long time. Maybe it was the return of their honeymoon stage, their promise to be together forever, or the fact that one of the people in his life that he loved the most had just shown some warmth to another one, but either way, something had seemed to settle inside of him. He hadn’t been aware that he was carrying around a weight - except for their split and the pain that still remained of that day - but something bigger had lifted off of his back anyhow.

 

“Good” Ian just sighed, looking just as happy and content himself. Mickey wasn’t dumb enough to believe that this was their happy ending. That nothing difficult would ever test their relationship again, of course it would. But for right now, they were good. Better than good. And right now, that felt like a pretty fucking great place to be at.

 

  
That night, Ian, Mickey and Briana all stepped out of Mickey’s car, meeting Mandy and Lana in the parking lot of the gymnasium.

 

Brian hadn’t been back on the court immediately after the shooting, in fact, nobody had. Somehow, despite the fact that the actual gun hadn’t been inside of the gym, it was just as difficult to enter the building as it was to walk the hallways of the school. It all was just a spiderweb of bad memories and chills. However, by now all of the players had been forced to face their fear, and the team's actually doing better than ever, the season so far undefeated.

 

“You’re back together! I fucking knew it!” Mandy screamed, running up to Ian and wrapping her arms around him. Ian chuckled, returning the hug for a second before Mickey stepped forwards, nudging her away.

 

“Aye, give him some space” He spoke, and Ian bit his bottom lip to keep from grinning at how adorably possessive he could be sometimes. He wrapped an arm around Mickey’s waist, pressing a kiss to his temple and then they walked inside.

 

They all found some free spots at the top of the bleachers and sat down, Ian taking Mickey’s hand and lacing their fingers together before thinking too much of it. For a second, he was scared that Mickey might pull away, a fear that was probably etched into his very soul from growing up how they did. Mickey didn’t, though. Instead he squeezed Ian’s hand reassuringly, eyes on the still empty basketball court.

 

Really, them getting back together had happened so quickly, and twenty four hours later it was still kind of difficult for Ian to grasp the fact that they were good again. That at this point in his life, he had close to everything that he could ever want.

 

Sure, someday he would want to marry Mickey, and maybe a day past that point he would want a child of his own. But those were all bridges that they would cross whenever they came to them. Neither of them were ready to have those discussions right now, much less actually do those things.

 

The fact that the Milkovich’s were back in his life - both the love of it and his best friend - that was more than he would ever have had the balls to ask for. He was happier today than he had been any of the days that had passed during the twenty years that he had spent apart from Mickey.

 

Ian swallowed, turning his head, looking at Mickey. He was still turned forwards, eyes on the court, waiting for the game to start. To this day, Ian’s heart ached each and every time that his eyes focused on Mickey. In the best way. it was difficult to believe that they both could have somehow ended up being this lucky.

 

Mickey turned his head, sensing Ian’s gaze and returning it. The blue eyes softened, his lips pulling into a small, reassuring smile. The eye contact lasted for a second as Ian brought their hands up to his mouth, pressing a chaste kiss to the back of Mickey’s, neither of them caring about the fact that people could be watching them. Mickey wasn’t scared anymore.

 

They both turned back to the game, their hands dropping into Mickey’s lap, their arms pressed against each other. The still empty court allowed Ian’s mind to wander away once again. A lot of his thoughts were the same, if he was honest, but they never got old. He never got tired of thinking about how fucking lucky he was, how lucky they both were.

 

With how they grew up and how terribly they actually had treated each other during their teenage years, it was kind of amazing. How hard and how passionately they loved each other even after all this time. Of course they had a long fucking way to go, their story was far from over. But somehow, today felt like a really fucking great day.

 

They were together, they were in love and they were happy. Brian and Briana seemed to be doing great as well, and it all just summed up into one thing. Despite how terribly this year had started, it might turn out to be the best one of their lives.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back.


	27. Valentine's Day Is Over(rated)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He knew that that wasn’t healthy, he knew that he should just be happy without all of these thoughts. But after how Yevgeny was conceived, after Ian’s disorder, after the shooting, fuck everything just made Mickey scared. Because before each and every one of those huge, horrible moments in his life, he had let himself be happy.

The next couple of weeks were good. Really fucking good, actually. Sure, Ian and Mickey didn’t immediately snap back into place, as much as they may have wanted that. But day after day they saw each other, and their relationship became stronger and stronger. As cheesy and as unrealistic as it sounded - breaking up, getting back together and being much stronger because of it - that was exactly what had seemed to happen.

 

Homelife was nothing but a well-oiled machine. Brian and Briana completely accepted Ian back into their lives, and Briana was starting to do even better with each hour that passed.

 

Sure, once in a while she still had melt downs, sometimes she would stumble onto something that she couldn’t quite figure out how to do with only one hand - which was to be expected, obviously she wouldn’t just get over losing her dominant arm in a matter of a couple of months. But whenever she struggled, Mickey, Brian or Mandy would always be there to hold her, and once in a while Ian or Svetlana would talk to her. Sometimes Yevgeny, too, if they talked over the computer which for some reason, they rarely had much time for anymore.

 

It didn’t matter too much, though, because everybody seemed to be happy, and after everything that had been going on in the past year, that was much worth.

 

  
Mickey’s head dipped back into his pillow, clouded moans escaping his throat before he was even awake. His innocent dream soon turned into something not so, and slowly but surely he became conscious again, his hands curling into the covers right next to him, teeth digging into his bottom lip, eyes still clenched shut as Ian kept under the covers, bobbing his head up and down his partner’s cock like a fucking pro.

 

He grinned around the length in his mouth when he noticed that Mickey was awake, speeding up a little bit, making sure to hollow his cheeks to drive him even more crazy. Mickey mewled, bucking up into the tight heat, one of his hands letting go of the covers in favor of clutching the red hair instead, tugging at the strands that were just starting to grow out again, leaving Ian with a haircut that could no longer truly be classified as a buzzcut.

 

Ian’s own cock started aching for attention as Mickey urged him on more and more, pressing his head down onto his cock.

 

Mickey’s moans and groans were blended with Ian’s as he started rutting against the covers, craving some kind of relief for himself. The vibrations of the sounds rolled straight into Mickey’s cock and he started bucking upwards even more violently, craving even more than he was getting, wanting everything. Ian had always been so fucking good at sucking cock, nobody and nothing else had ever been able to compare, not even in twenty years of trying to find that something.

 

Mickey soon let go of the covers with his other hand as well, using both of them to force Ian up and down his cock, the pleasure starting to build up in his stomach, becoming too much. Ian made sure to breath through his nose, circling his tongue around the tip whenever he got the chance because he knew that the action drove Mickey to complete insanity.

 

Suddenly, Mickey completely stopped his movements, tightening his grip on Ian’s hair, forcing his nose to stay buried in his pubic hairs as his hips bucked upwards, chants of curses and Ian’s name falling out from in between his lips as his come shot right down into his throat.

 

He kept calm, letting Mickey hold him there until he was finished and let go of him.

 

Ian pulled off of his cock, making sure to suck as he went to remove any left over come, tasting the tangy, salty substance on his tongue as he swallowed it all, licking his lips afterwards. He pushed the covers off of his body and crawled up the bed, capturing Mickey’s lips in a searing kiss as soon as he got the chance to do so.

 

Mickey hummed into it, eyes closed, a hand slipping back up to the nape of his neck, fingers running over the soft hair. Their tongues slipped lazily over each other’s, stomachs buzzing in that wonderful way that they would never come to grow tired of.

 

Mickey sighed contentedly into the kiss as he flipped them over, laying on top of his partner. Ian moaned, slipping his hands down to groap Mickey’s perfectly pale ass, cock hardening even further. Ian got two more, searing kisses before his boyfriend pulled away and eased down the bed. Their eyes stayed on each other’s, Mickey’s gaze filled with playfulness and desire while Ian’s was showing pure lust.

  
The eye contact didn’t tear for a single second as Mickey opened his mouth, his pink lips stretching perfectly around Ian’s throbbing, begging cock, at first only staying at the tip, teasing the redhead to no end as the tip of Mickey’s tongue danced over the slit.

 

Finally, he went for it, swallowing down almost half of Ian’s huge cock all at once, eyes focused on his face, his neck. Ian’s eyes were closed now, the pleasure too much to keep looking down at Mickey, no matter how fucking hot the vision was. His neck was stretched, chest flushed as curses fell out of his mouth, verbally urging Mickey on.

 

Mickey bobbed his head up and down his favorite cock, gradually working more and more down his throat until finally, his nose was almost buried in the red pubic hairs on every third bob of his head.

 

His eyes were closed now as well, his mind focusing on nothing but pleasuring Ian to the best of his abilities, thirsting to drive him insane. The large, freckled hand fell onto the black hair, tugging at the strands, his hips bucking upwards ever so slightly, although Ian made sure to keep those movements as small as he could, knowing that his cock was big and he could hurt Mickey if he wasn’t careful enough.

 

Mickey took it, humming as he swirled his tongue at the exact right times, making Ian’s stomach knot up in the best way possible, his head becoming a complete haze made up of nothing but pleasure and the unblinking love that he carried around for this man.

 

“Close” Ian was distantly aware of the word tumbling out of his mouth, right before he came, Mickey keeping his mouth wrapped around his cock as his load was emptied down straight into his throat. Ian’s hand stayed on the black hair, and Mickey swallowed time after time, taking every single drop that his partner was giving him.

 

Once Ian was finished, his entire body went slump, his hand falling off of Mickey’s head and to the side. Mickey cleaned off his cock, savoring the perfect, salty taste before he eased himself up the bed, laying on top of Ian, their chests pressed together.

 

“Happy valentine’s day, baby” Ian said, a grin stretched across his mouth as Mickey snorted, dipping his head down to slot their lips together.

 

  
They both stayed in bed for a while, but then pretty quickly realized that they had to work, valentine’s day or not, so they got up and dragged themselves down to the kitchen, only to find that both of the twins were already up and eating breakfast, along with Mandy.

 

“The fuck are you doing here?” Mickey grumbled the question directed towards his sister as he walked over to the fridge, rolling his eyes as he realized that they were out of milk.

 

“Lana had to work early” Mandy explained through a mouthful of cereal. “Besides, it’s valentine’s day. Figured I’d spend it with other people I loved too”

 

“Thanks” Mickey mumbled as he flicked the coffee pot on and turned around, bracing himself against the kitchen counter.

 

“I was talking about Ian” She waved her brother off, making the two youngest Milkovich’s and the Gallagher snort in amusement. Mickey rolled his eyes, watching his children swallow the last of their food in a hurry before they started to pack up their things, shoving books into their bags.

 

“You need a ride? I don’t have to go to work for a couple hours” Mickey asked them, but Briana shook her head.

 

“No, I think we’re good, dad. Thanks”

 

“Alright, Bud. See you tonight” Each of the adults all got hugs from Briana and halfassed waves from Brian before they stormed out of the house, hoping that they would be able to make it to class on time.

 

Once they heard the door slam, Mickey turned around, reaching up to get two coffee cups out of the cupboard, having to stand on his tiptoes to do so. He could all but feel Ian bite his lip to keep from grinning.

  
“So” Mandy’s voice rang throughout the kitchen as Mickey placed his hand onto the coffee pot, picking it up and pouring the black liquid into the blue mugs before he turned around again, handing one to Ian and earning himself a sweet, soft kiss to the temple in the process. “What are your plans for tonight?” She asked, a teasing tickle in her tone. “Dinner? Movie? Oh - sex on the kitchen table? Actually, please don’t do that. I eat here”

 

Mickey groaned, knowing full well that his sister wasn’t interested in their valentine plans what so ever, but was only rather into annoying the both of them.

 

“Shut the fuck up” Mickey mumbled into his coffee cup before he took a big gulp, wincing slightly at the heat rolling down his throat. “And we’re not fucking planning anything. Valentine’s day is stupid” Mickey stated then, true to his own, personal opinion.

 

It was very true in his mind. Valentine’s day was a random, meaningless holiday, made up for bored wives to get some flowers, or thirteen yearold girls who wanted to go on a date for the first time. Mickey didn’t need any of that, he didn’t need for him or Ian to show how much they loved each other on valentine’s day, because they did that every single other day of the year.

 

It was almost as if Ian could hear his thoughts, because he wrapped a strong arm around his waist, pressing another kiss to his temple. Mickey closed his eyes for the duration of the action, not giving a shit that his sister was in the room to watch.

 

  
A few minutes later, Ian left to go to work, leaving Mickey alone in the kitchen with his sister as they finished off the last of their breakfast.

 

“You should be careful, you know” Mandy spoke as he sat down opposite of her, reaching over the table to get the bowl of cereal that Brian had failed to finish, spooning some into his mouth.

 

“What?” Mickey asked confused, his voice messy because of the food that was still filling his mouth. Mandy rolled her eyes, taking a huge gulp of coffee before he started explaining her statement, annoyance clouding her tone.

 

“I think Ian really wants to do something special today, Mick. You might want to be a little bit more sensitive” Mickey sighed, eyes focused on his cereal.

 

The truth was that maybe he had been picking up on some hints that Ian had been dropping during the past week or so. But the other part of the truth was that he had chosen to simply ignore them, hope that he was wrong.

 

Mickey didn’t really want to do something over the top romantic on valentine’s day. Somehow it would just feel as if they were getting their hopes up. They had been through so much shit together, both now and back when they had been teenagers, so yeah. Sure.

 

One could argue that they should take advantage of this amazing place that they were currently in when it came to their relationship. But one could just as easily argue that they were taking everything for granted. A part of Mickey - a small part - believed that if he let his guard down, if he let go of his doubts, even for one single night, then something would happen.

 

Of course he didn’t have any doubts about Ian or anything like that, but currently, his entire life was nothing short of perfect. And it was scary, because he had never really had anything like that before.

 

The other shoe just had to drop at some point, he felt as if he was just walking around waiting for that to happen. And he knew that that wasn’t healthy, he knew that he should just be happy without all of these thoughts. But after how Yevgeny was conceived, after Ian’s disorder, after the shooting, fuck everything just made Mickey scared. Because before each and every one of those huge, horrible moments in his life, he had let himself be happy.

 

So what if they fucking lit candles tonight? What if they laughed and kissed and made love? Would he wake up tomorrow, only to realize that something else absolutely horrible had happened? Maybe all of that was the reason he didn’t want to celebrate.

 

Fuck, he hadn’t even realized it all himself until just now.

 

“Mick?”

  
“Sorry” Mickey jumped, snapping out of his own head at his sister’s snapping fingers.

 

“Just… think about it, alright? I don’t think he’d be pissed at you or anything, but I bet he’d be happy if you did want to celebrate” Mandy explained, and for once, Mickey actually listened to her advice.

 

She knew Ian almost just as well as Mickey did, and although deep down, he was already aware of everything that was coming out of her mouth, it was almost like a wakeup call to hear it told to him straight out. Mandy sighed, standing up and walking over to the sink with her dirty dishes.

 

“In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s planning some huge romantic night for you or some shit anyway. So you might want to cheer up a little bit. Get in the spirit”

 

With those words, Mandy walked out of the kitchen, and Mickey sighed, running his hand over his face. Nothing in the entire world was more annoying than realizing that his sister was right.

 

  
By the time Mickey arrived home that night, he had gone through a hectic day filled with asshole clients, selfish bosses and his own thoughts messing him the fuck up. He had gone back and forth, wondering whether he should agree to have some cheesy romantic valentine’s day despite his fears, and finally, he had sighed and mumbled ‘Aye, what the fuck’ to himself, at least three times.

 

So here he was, pulling up to the lit house in the darkness, realizing that Ian’s car was already parked there, it filled him with some feeling that he couldn’t quite describe. Maybe it was pride, or comfortability, but most of all, he guessed that it was home. The feeling of home. Not just because of the house, but because he knew exactly who was waiting for him inside of it. It was the same feeling he got whenever Ian told him he loved him, or when they woke up, entangled underneath the sheets. All the things that used to freak him the fuck out, he loved it, all of it.

 

And as he realized that, he also realized that there was really nothing he needed to be afraid of, nothing at all. Not anymore. Something inside of him seemed to settle down, a smile covering his lips as he turned the car off and got out.

 

As soon as he entered the house, he was greeted by the soft light of the dimmed lamps along with soft - almost completely silent - music coming from the kitchen. Mickey frowned, ignoring the way his stomach buzzed at the thought that Ian might have planned something despite this morning. The leather jacket was hung up on a hook by the door, and then Mickey toed his shoes off, rolling his sleeves up to his elbows as he walked the hallway to get to the kitchen.

 

Once he had made it to the doorway, he stopped, leaning against the wood, just watching for a second, a small smile making its way onto his lips. Ian was standing with his back turned to him, a few - in fact, make that a lot - of candles were spread all throughout the kitchen, some of them drifting into the dining part and the living room part of the open floorplan.

 

Mickey took advantage of the fact that his partner hadn’t noticed him yet, and watched him move around the kitchen, feeling his heart swell to ten times it’s original size.

 

“Ian” Ian jumped, turning around to face Mickey, a grin stretching across his face as their eyes fell on each other’s.

 

“Hey…” He begun, swallowing before taking a step closer, Mickey doing the same. “Look, um…” Ian sighed, rubbing the back of his neck as if he were embarrassed. “I know you don’t really like valentine’s day, Mick. But… I do. So I figured…” He trailed off again, gesturing weakly to the decorated house. “The kids are out. Brian’s with Cole and Briana’s with her friends. So I just thought, maybe we could do something at least”

 

Mickey stayed completely still and quiet, a bad, dark part of him enjoying watching Ian try to explain something, only to stumble over his words. It was kind of adorable that he did that with Mickey, even after all these years they still managed to make each other nervous. In the best possible way.

 

“There’s um… I got a pizza, there’s beer in the fridge. The kind you like but never let yourself get because you think it’s too expensive” Mickey bit into the inside of his bottom lip, trying not to grin at how fucking well Ian knew him. “Don’t fight me on this, Mick” Ian continued. “I know you don’t like romantic things, but - “

 

Mickey cut Ian’s seemingly infinite babbling short by taking another step forward and placing his hands onto his chest, curling his fists into the cotton material of his t shirt, tugging him down for a kiss. Ian immediately relaxed, leaning into the act, his hands falling onto Mickey’s neck, cradling his face, his long fingers slipping into the black strands of his hair.

 

After a couple of seconds, Mickey pulled away, making sure their foreheads stayed placed up against each other.

 

“It’s perfect” He assured Ian quietly, who’s mouth pulled into another one of those toxic grins. It was the truth. It was perfect, all of it. The candles made it soft and romantic, but pizza and beer made it more their style. Nobody in the history of the world had ever been more satisfied with their valentine’s day surprise than Mickey was tonight.

 

“Yeah?” Ian asked, and Mickey chuckled, nodding, their foreheads falling apart as he got down from his toes and looked up at his boyfriend. He loosened his grip on the white v neck and instead let his hands drift down to Ian’s waist, feeling his heat fall into his palms even through the fabric.

 

“Fuck” Mickey sighed, feeling as if he was completely drowning in those beautiful, kind, green eyes.

 

“What?” Ian asked softy, his fingertips drawing soft, soothing circles in the nape of Mickey’s neck as he waited for an answer. Mickey just shrugged gently. _How the fuck did I get so lucky?_

 

“Just…” Mickey started instead. “I’m just really fucking in love with you”

 

“Me too, baby” Ian spoke, voice low as he dipped his head to capture Mickey’s lips in between his own, his hands slipping further up, thumbs resting right under his eyes.

 

Mickey wrapped his arms around his man, immediately responding to the kiss, just as blown away by the butterflies in his stomach today, as he had been the very first time he and Ian had ever kissed. Their experienced tongues slid easily over each other, drinking in every single detail.

 

“Pizza’s getting cold” Ian soon mumbled into Mickey’s mouth. Mickey snorted, pressing one last kiss to his lips before they let go of each other and sat down by the kitchen island, Ian opening the box.

 

“You got my favorite” Mickey noted with a smile, and Ian hummed, getting two beers out of the six pack, placing one in front of Mickey. “You don’t even like it” He continued, looking down at the pizza, topped off with every single kind of meet you could imagine. In the past, Ian had even said that he didn’t know why the fuck they even sold it. But now he just hummed, taking a gulp of his beer before turning to Mickey, lacing their fingers together on top of his thigh.

 

“But I love you”

 

Mickey was quiet for a beat before he snorted. The grin stretching across his face was completely inevitable.

 

“Fucking dork” Ian grinned back, placing a hand on the back of his neck, tugging him closer to him, their lips resting close.

 

“Your dork”

 

“Yes” Mickey assured him without a second’s hesitation, pressing their lips together in another soft, perfect kiss. “Always” He mumbled once they had pulled apart.

 

“Always” Ian repeated.

 

They ate in silence, a stolen kiss here and there in between bites. Mickey figured that if there was one night a year he would allow himself to be cheesy, it was valentine’s because it was actually turning out to be a really nice thing to celebrate.

  
Once the pizza along with most of the beer was gone, Mickey took a deep breath and turned his body more towards Ian. Ian noticed his serious stance and frowned, grabbing his hand to braid their fingers together.

 

“What’s up?” Mickey gnawed on the inside of his bottom lip for a second, blue eyes on green

 

“Look, we’re good, right? Our relationship or whatever?” Ian frowned harder, failing to see exactly where Mickey was going with this, yet he nodded anyway.

 

“Of course, babe. What are you thinking? You’re freaking me out” Mickey chuckled, and Ian’s stomach immediately settled at the fact that he was smiling.

 

“Sorry, man. I’m just… This is kind of hard to say, I didn’t think I would be this fucking nervous”

 

“Just say it” Ian assured him with a chuckle, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze. Mickey swallowed, pushing down the lump in his throat before he forced himself to continue.

 

“Look, my kids really like you, man. And I like waking up with you. It kind of sucks when you’re not there, and that you have to run back and forth to your own place, so…” His eyes had been on their intertwined hands for the entire duration of him speaking, but now Mickey lifted his head, meeting the blank, green eyes. “You want to move in with me?” Mickey finally finished his question, even though Ian already knew exactly what it was going to be.

 

Both men were completely silent for a couple of beats, Mickey quickly becoming nervous again. What if this wasn’t what Ian wanted? What if he thought that this was too fast, or what if - Mickey dropped his ridiculous train of thought when Ian’s face completely lit up, that huge, amazing grin stretching from ear to ear.

 

“Yes” He nodded. “Yes, of course I do”

 

They both chuckled happily into the kiss, the two men almost melting into one being as they could feel nothing but giddiness and love at the moment. Their life together, it was truly beginning. Sure, they had dated for a long time - about four years if you were to clump everything together - and they had even lived together before, fuck, they had even raised a kid together. Sort of. But nothing like this.

 

They were adults now, with legal jobs and brains developed enough to fully understand what it was that they felt for each other. Moving in, it was a big step, it truly was. Especially for Mickey who was already kind of terrified of commitment to begin with. But no matter how big the step, it was the right one, and they both knew that in their hearts.

 

They were going to be a family, a real one. That was worth anything.

 

  
“Are you ever going to tell them?” She muttered against his lips. Yevgeny’s eyes fell closed, a sigh escaping his nose as he nodded.

 

Yev knew damn fucking well that what he was doing was crappy. Of course he didn’t have to tell his family every single detail of his life, but the fact that he had met the girl that he wanted to spend the rest of it with - and was going to - might be one of the few things that would be nice for his parents and siblings to know.

 

It wasn’t as if he was hiding it, really. He just truly had no idea how to say it. ‘Hey, mom. Hi, dad. This is Charlie. Yeah, she’s the love of my life. We’ve been together for almost a year now. Oh, you didn’t know?’ Yeah, somehow he couldn’t imagine that going over too well. He was going to tell them at christmas, but with everything that had happened before, it had just felt like the worst possible time for it.

 

Yevgeny understood why she was starting to push him a little bit. Of course she understood that he wasn’t ashamed - he was so fucking in love with this girl, that would never be possible in a million years. But it was weird, for him too. Yevgeny had met Charlie’s parents, her friends. She had met his friends. Not only did Yevgeny’s family not know about the marriage thing, but they didn’t even know about her. He was even starting to hate himself for it. But he did have somewhat of an idea about when and how he could tell them.

 

Another sigh escaped his mouth and he let his eyes drift over the beautiful girl underneath him, his tattooed hand stroking back some of the brown hair behind her ear as the hazel-green eyes blinked up at him.

 

“I love you, you know that. Of course I’m gonna tell them” She swallowed, eyes drifting up over the now bleach blonde hair, the slight curls falling down over his face. “Soon” Yev added then.

 

Charlie rolled her eyes, sighing as she pushed him off of her and stood up, pulling her jeans back on, head fuming.

 

“Hey, hey” Yevgeny immediately got up as well, placing a hand on her shoulder to make her turn around to face him. She shrugged his hand off, and he let it drop to his side. When Charlie got angry, she got angry. So he considered the fact that she wasn’t storming out of the room success. “I promise” He dipped his head to look into her eyes, his own filled with sadness and desperation.

 

“You promised before” Charlie pointed out, crossing her arms. “Look…” She continued then, letting them drop to her sides just as quickly as she had picked them up. The anger seemed to seep out of her, and Yevgeny straightened up, getting ready to listen to whatever lecture she would be giving him now. She did that a lot. Talked and talked, made so many good points that when she quieted down you didn’t know how the fuck you were thinking before. “I’m not one of those chicks who has to come home with you for christmas, or bond with you dad. But, Yev - it’s almost been a year. You’re close to your family, so the fact that they have no idea I exist, it just… it makes me feel like I don’t matter”

 

“You do!” Yevgeny immediately exclaimed, letting his hands land on the sides of her neck. “Baby, you do matter to me. So fucking much. You know that” She didn’t say anything, but instead she sighed, obviously waiting for him to do even better. “My twin siblings birthday is coming up. I’ll tell them then, okay?”

 

“All of it?”

 

“All of it”

 

  
“You think Mickey caved? You think they are celebrating valentine’s day after all?” Svetlana asked her wife as she walked over to their couch to join her, carrying two wineglasses. Mandy shrugged. 

 

  
 “I hope so. I don’t want him to screw things up just because he’s scared. He does that a lot” She admitted, gracefully accepting the glass and putting it other lips, enjoying the wonderfully bitter taste of the red wine covering her tongue. “Enough about my brother” She stated then, putting her drink to the side before reaching for Lana’s and doing the same so that she could ease herself closer. 

 

  
 Svetlana’s mouth bore a soft smile as she placed her hand onto the side of Mandy’s neck, accepting the kiss.

 

They sighed into it, tongues easily slipping over each other, the action filled with love and affection, all of the things that neither of them had ever grown up with.   
 Maybe that was the reason that they fell in love to begin with.

 

Maybe they were so fucking similar and so different all at the same time. Over the years they had encountered a lot of people who found it weird. That Mandy had fallen in love with her brother’s wife. People frowned even when they knew that Mickey and Lana had never been in love to begin with. 

 

  
 However, with time they had both learned to ignore it. People didn’t have to understand. People would never be able to understand, fuck, the first few months of their relationship, neither of the two women had been able to pinpoint one single thing that had made them fall for the other. But they had.

 

They had fallen for each other and they were happy this way. People didn’t have to understand, they didn’t even have to understand it themselves. 

 

  
 In fact, maybe it only made it all the more magical that they didn’t. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all have an amazing night! (Day for most of you probably, but night for me so) <3


	28. Double Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How the fuck they had both believed that they could break up and be happy without each other was beyond them both by now. Things were good. Way too good.

“Just fucking come over here!” Brian’s shirt his the cement squares on the ground as he moved on to his pants, undoing them slowly, teasingly raising an eyebrow as he piece by piece revealed more of his body to his boyfriend.

 

“No fucking way, Brian!” Cole complained, enough space in between them that they had to raise their voices for the other boy to hear them, despite the chill - chill to be Florida, at least - quiet night air. Brian sighed, bending over to push his jeans down to his feet before straightening up again and kicking the piece of clothing to the side, leaving him in nothing but his boxers. Cole was completely unable to keep his eyes from running up and down his boyfriend’s perfect body, not that he was trying very hard. Brian’s mouth carried a steady smirk, his Milkovich features in all their glory. The pale, porcelain like skin, the dark hair, so long now that it was just barely kissing his shoulders.

 

“What’s the worst thing that could happen, huh?” He asked the dark skinned man then, his eyebrow drawing further up on his forehead, creating for a full on mischievous facial expression as he did his best to convince Cole to do this with him.

 

“We could get arrested” He pointed out, and Brian shrugged.

 

“So what?” Be as it may that he was a lot different from what his father and uncles were like at his age, the Milkovich gene would always be inside of him. The chances that they would get arrested for this were minimal, the police had bigger things to worry about, besides, you could get picked up for a lot worse.

 

“I’m fucking freezing” Cole tried then, and Brian fought not to roll his eyes.

 

“It’s Miami, you’re not cold” His boyfriend snorted at his retort, and then the brown eyes fell on each other’s, Brian shrugging again. Cole sighed deeply, and the brunet could easily tell that he was starting to break him as he broke the eye contact, his eyes drifting down towards his torso, visually drinking in his perfect body.

 

“Why?” Cole asked then, eyes on Brian’s again. Brian was quiet for a beat.

 

“Because in two hours, I’m gonna be eighteen. And I don’t have any good stories”

 

Cole’s eyes immediately softened at the words. It was the truth. And though one might say that sneaking into the outside city pool, ten o’clock on a friday night wasn’t much of a story, to Brian it kind of was. Not because it was difficult to do, or because it was very risky, or because it was something that he would tell everyone about. It was none of those things, but it was just… something.

 

Something small that he wasn’t supposed to be doing. Throughout Brian’s entire life, he and Briana had always been the good kids. The kids who lost their mother, the kids who always made sure that their grades never fell below a C. Sure, they both smoked, they drank, neither of them were virgins and they weren’t really scared to get caught for doing something ‘bad’. So they couldn’t quite be classified as nerdy people.

 

But all of that aside, they had also never been the kids who had gone on a weeks roadtrip without telling their father, or broken into the near by liquor store. Lately it had just… caught up with Brian. Especially after the shooting.

 

Of course he didn’t want to end up in prison or anything like that, but sneaking into the city pool the night right before his birthday, it just seemed… right somehow. Fun. Especially if he did it with his boyfriend. The water was still in the pool behind Brian, the air stopped and quiet as he waited for Cole’s answer.

 

He got it as his boyfriend sighed deeply, a grin growing onto his lips as he reached behind him, peeling his shirt off of his body.

 

“Yeah!” Brian called through a laugh and pushed his boxers down as Cole got rid of his jeans. Once they were both bare, Cole charged towards Brian, wrestling him down into the water, their laughter and happy yells pouring into each other’s ears.

 

Their fingers were interlaced as they held their breaths underneath the surface of the cold water, staying there for a second before they found their way up again, Cole closing his eyes as Brian shook his head, sending the water all over the place. Soon they both calmed down again, their eyes opening, legs moving slightly up and down to keep themselves above the surface since the water was way too deep for them to stand at the bottom. Brian sighed happily when their eyes fell on each other’s, a certain kind of buzz starting up in the very pit of his stomach.

 

He had felt butterflies before, of course he had, but - and he was fully aware of how absolutely cheesy this sounded - never like this.

 

The soft sound of their breathing mixed with the quiet clucking of the water around them as Cole’s teeth dug into the inside of his bottom lip, his lips pulling into somewhat of a smile while he tightened his grip on Brian’s hand, tugging him closer and laying an arm around his strong shoulders, their legs tangling together, albeit still moving a little bit to keep from sinking.

 

Brian sighed contentedly, looking up at Cole as he all but climbed onto him and therefor became a lot taller. Their skin stuck together a little bit, tacky from the water. Cole’s tongue darted out to wet his lips, almost brushing Brian’s in the process as they were so close now, the drumroll almost starting to ring into their ears. Both pairs of brown eyes flickered into each other’s once in a while, and then down towards their lips again, the best kind of tension building up in between them.

 

Brian’s right arm was safely wrapped around Cole’s torso, holding him up, the dark, long fingers combing through the wet strands hanging down onto Brian’s shoulders. Finally, Brian had had enough, and he crashed his lips to Cole’s. Cole immediately responded to the searing action, tightening his grip on the beautiful brown hair, their mouths easily slotting together, their stomachs buzzing in the best possible way.

 

That night, they did everything in that pool and Brian definitely ended up with a good story to tell. Would he ever feel like doing so.

 

 

No matter how many times Mickey woke up with Ian hugging him tightly to his chest, he was confident that it would never fail to make him feel like a thirteen year old school girl inside. His mouth pulled into a smile, and he tugged himself even closer to his boyfriend, his eyes still shut.

 

How the fuck they had both believed that they could break up and be happy without each other was beyond them both by now. Things were good. Way too good. Mickey’s leg was thrown in between Ian’s, his face in the crook of his neck, breathing in that perfect, toxic scent as his mind flickered back too their dinner yesterday. He and Ian had had a lot of amazing moments together, but him agreeing to move in with Mickey had to be one of the best ones yet.

 

Ian had looked and sounded so fucking happy about him asking him, and if Mickey hadn’t already been sure that living together was what he, himself wanted, that surely would have convinced him. It was what Mickey wanted, of course it was. He wanted to go to sleep and wake up with Ian by his side, never having to worry about him leaving for the night or staying over, because they shared a home. A bed. A life.

 

Being that they hadn’t been back together for even a year, maybe it was a little bit too soon, but for some reason, Mickey didn’t give a shit. This was what they both wanted, and fuck anyone would suggest that they should waste more time dancing around it. Mickey had never been a ‘live for the moment because everything else is uncertain’ kind of person. But if he was honest… that was the truth.

 

If he had learned anything from the shooting it was that anything could happen at any moment, and he didn’t want to waste any time. There was not a single doubt in his mind that Ian Gallagher was the love of his life. And how many people could say that?

 

“Babe, you awake?” Mickey slowly cracked his eyes open as Ian’s groggy morning voice poured into his ear.

 

That sound would never cease to be hot. A hum escaped his throat before he lifted his head off of Ian’s shoulder to look down into the tired, beautiful green eyes. Neither of them said anything for a beat as Ian reached a hand up, brushing a couple of black strands back behind Mickey’s ear, his hand finally settling on the side of his neck, his thumb resting against his jawline.

 

Mickey had slowly but surely noticed that their relationship had become a lot more soft since they had gotten back together. When they were younger, it had been all passion and fighting - love, too of course, they just hadn’t quite known how to show that part.

 

Now since they were adults, they did. Sure, they would never be the kind of couple who called each other sweetheart or honey or had three kids they drove to soccer practice in a minivan every sunday morning, and that wasn’t a bad thing. But at the same time, Mickey had become a lot more okay with Ian doing small, affectionate things like kissing his forehead, holding his hand or caressing his face. ‘ _Babe_ ’ and ‘ _Baby_ ’ had become a more common thing in between them as well.

 

It felt really good. To have grown up as individuals during their years apart, but never losing whatever it was that seemed to eternally bind them together at the soul.

 

“I love you so much” Each time those words poured out of Ian’s mouth, it was as if Mickey could physically feel his chest inflate to ten times its original size. A small, soft, kind smile settled onto his mouth as he lowered his face closer to Ian’s.

 

“I love you” He whispered back, and Ian’s smile grew right before he tightened his grip around the back of Mickey’s neck, tugging him down to meet him in a perfect, loving morning kiss. Mickey happily hummed into it, his lips easily slotting together with Ian’s, both of their eyes falling closed at they kept the lazy kiss going.

 

Mickey soon rolled completely on top of his boyfriend, his hands resting on his shoulders, his thumbs rubbing soft circles on the pale skin. Ian sighed contentedly at the feeling, his arms slipping around Mickey’s torso, his hold tight, wanting to feel him as close to him as he possibly could. Even after all of these years together and apart, his stomach still flipped whenever they touched at all.

 

Whether it was a kiss or a brush of their fingers. His love for Mickey was nothing short of electricity, and he knew that he got the exact same in return. Their lips kept moving against each other, but when Ian loosened his grip on Mickey to slide his hands down to his ass, Mickey pulled away for a groan.

 

“As fucking much as I’d want to have your cock in my ass right now, I don’t have time” He sighed, his fingertips rubbing soft circles into the red hair on the base of Ian’s neck. “I’ve got birthday waffles to make before the twins wake up” Mickey dropped a last kiss to Ian’s lips before he pushed himself out of bed. Ian sighed deeply as he forced himself to sit up, his hair surely a complete mess on top of his head.

 

His eyes followed his partner as Mickey walked over to a corner of the room where his sweatpants had been thrown at some point during one of their hastes to get naked. The brunet paused with his t shirt half way down over his body, eyes on Ian’s.

 

“What the fuck are you smirking about?” After the words were out of his mouth, he finished putting the clothing item on, and Ian just shrugged, his mouth pulling into an even bigger smirk than before Mickey had spoken.

 

“You’re just…” Mickey raised his eyebrows, hands hanging by his sides as he waited for an answer. “Getting up to make your kids the breakfast they want. You’re such a dad, it’s kind of a turn on” Ian admitted before his teeth got a hold of his bottom lip, knowing fully well how hot Mickey found the small act.

 

“You’re turned on by me taking care of my kids?” He asked Ian in a teasing tone, knowing fully well what the redhead meant. Chances were that Mickey would find it just as how, were it the other way around. Ian let out a sound between a sigh and a chuckle.

 

“Just… “ Ian started, easing himself closer to the edge of the bed, Mickey taking a couple of steps closer as he waited for his partner to finish his thought. “Seeing you be an adult, it’s… so fucking sexy” Mickey hummed, a grin stretching across his mouth as he let Ian grab his legs, pulling him down to straddle his lap.

 

Mickey instantly wrapped his arms around Ian’s neck, meeting him in an urgent kiss, their bodies almost seemingly melting into one with the action. Ian’s hands stayed on the back of Mickey’s thighs, gently stroking the skin over the thin fabric of his sweatpants.

 

Mickey sighed into Ian’s mouth, deepening the kiss further, his tongue easily slipping in over the redhead’s, both of them pushing any thoughts out of their heads, focusing on nothing but the the other man. Ian subconsciously let his warm palms wander up Mickey’s legs until they were resting on his perfect ass, kneading it teasingly.

 

The brunet groaned into his mouth, rolling his hips to create some friction in-between them, easily falling into the well practiced routine that they would never tire of. However, as much as Mickey was enjoying the fire that was starting up in every single corner of his body, he thankfully was able to gather up enough strength to pull away from the kiss.

 

“Sorry” Ian sighed through a chuckle, his hands stilling, eyes slowly cracking open to look up into those beautiful blue ones. Mickey just shook his head, a silly smile on his face right before he pressed a last, searing, perfect kiss to those beautiful lips, and then got up, walking out of the room.

 

Ian sighed, running a hand over his morning hair as he patiently waited for his morning wood to go down, praying that it would without him having to take care of it. By the time he had peed and slapped some water on his face, he was distracted enough that it was gone, so he bent down to grab his own sweatpants, and then he walked out of the bedroom to go join his partner in the kitchen.

 

 

Mickey was just closing the waffle iron onto the second batch when he felt two strong arms wrap around him front behind, a face nosing his neck gently. Some kind of a sound between a chuckle and a hum escaped out through his mouth as he leaned into the touch, his head on Ian’s shoulder.

 

Ian placed a gentle kiss to the skin right where Mickey’s shoulder connected to his neck, and then he rested his chin there, one of his hands gently stroking Mickey’s side through the thin cotton fabric.

 

“I love you” Ian was slightly surprised that Mickey said it randomly, just like that, but it made his stomach flutter all the same as he buried his nose in his neck again, taking a deep breath, filling his senses with that special smell that only Mickey could provide him with.

 

“You’re the love of my life, babe” Ian for some reason chose to say, instead of just a simple _‘I love you too’_. Mickey sighed contentedly at the words, turning his head to the side, silently asking for a kiss. Ian smiled at him for a second before granting the wish.

 

“Aw, look at you two love birds” Mickey sighed at his sister’s obnoxious voice, and Ian let out a quiet chuckle, dropping another quick kiss to his lips before letting go of him, turning around to face Mandy and Lana.

 

Mickey took the finished waffles out of the iron and quickly poured in another batch before spinning around towards them as well. The women were both still dressed in sweatpants, Lana hauling up a few wrapped gifts onto the kitchen island as Mandy easily walked over to the fridge to help herself to the gallon of orange juice. Ian had pretty quickly caught onto the fact that they had somewhat of a strict tradition for the twins birthday.

 

“Do you have the card?” Mandy asked her brother once she had swallowed the drink. Mickey nodded before turning around to grab a white envelope from behind the coffee maker. “Good. Do you think we have long before they wake up?” Her voice was a little bit more quiet now, as if she had just remembered that they need to make sure that they didn’t wake up the twins before they had everything ready.

 

“No” Ian said, taking a few steps to the right, reaching up for one of the highest shelves, extracting two more wrapped birthday gifts, the ones he and Mickey had gotten together. “I heard Briana moving around in her room before I came down here” He continued explaining then, voice almost whisper.

 

Mickey flipped the last two waffles onto the already stacked plate and then pulled the chord out of the wall, placing the maker to the side for now. A few minutes later, all of the food was on the island, all of the presents were stacked into a nice, straight pile - thanks to Lana, nobody else could be bothered - and Yevgeny was joining them over Skype.

 

“Hey, hey, hey” Mandy hushed the others right as she heard the steps coming down the hallway towards the kitchen. All of their eyes connected, making a silent agreement.

 

“‘Cause… They’re a jolly good fellows, they’re a jolly good fellows…” Their voices blended together, and small smiles grew onto Brian and Briana’s mouths as they stood side by side, listening to their family members as they all sang for them.

 

Over the years, Nina, Mickey, Mandy, Lana and Yevgeny had all tried to come up with a birthday song that would fit several people - especially when they were opposite sexes. For a few years, they had sung twice, once for Brian and once for Briana, but by the time they had reached their early teens, nobody could be bothered to sing two times, and the twins couldn’t really be bothered to listen either. So ‘ _They’re a jolly good fellows_ ’ is what it had been for the past four, five years or so. It wasn’t perfect, but it worked.

 

“Hip hip, hooray! Hip hip hooray!” Brian and Briana both chuckled quietly at how fucking enthusiastic most of their family members looked, even Yevgeny.

 

They were both brought into hug after hug, and by the time Briana got to her father, that hug was a little bit tighter than usual. She immediately responded, squeezing around his torso with her arm, breathing in her father’s comforting smell as he did the same, his face resting in her hair. ‘ _I am so fucking happy that you’re here to turn eighteen after all. I was so fucking scared_ ’ Mickey didn’t need to say anything, she heard it. Loud and clear.

 

“I love you, dad” She whispered as they let go, and Mickey nodded, forcing back his tears as he pressed a soft kiss to her forehead.

 

“I love you too, buddy” He promised. Briana went on to hug Ian, and Mickey brought Brian in for a hug just as tight. Ian wrapped his arms around Briana, feeling almost just as choked up as Mickey obviously was.

 

A birthday was supposed to be a happy occasion, and it was, of course. But this was also a reminder of how fucking close Briana and Brian had both been to not getting to see it. They could both easily have lost their lives inside of that school.

 

“Thank you for everything” Briana said seriously as she let go, looking up at Ian. The redhead nodded back down at her.

 

“Of course” Despite the fact that they hadn’t known each other for even a years time, Ian did truly love Briana almost as if she were his own. Maybe it was because she was Mickey’s, or because of the life changing time they had spent together in that library, he would guess it was both. But either way, Briana loved him all the same.

 

 _“Hey, let me in on this!”_ Everyone chuckled at Yevgeny’s voice coming through the computer, and Lana turned it so that he could see his siblings. _“There we go. Okay. Happy birthday, I love you both so much, alright?”_

 

“We love you too, Yev” Briana assured him.

 

_“I’m so sorry that I can’t be there, I promise we’ll celebrate when I get back, alright?”_

 

“Yeah, yeah. As long as you get us presents we’ll forgive you” Everybody laughed at Brian’s comment, along with a couple of eyerolls from Lana and Mickey.

 

 

A few minutes later, they were all sitting down by the kitchen island, eating the waffles, none of them really having the time for talking. Yevgeny spooned yoghurt into his mouth, semi-sulking over the fact that he couldn’t have any waffles.

 

“Alright” Mandy said soon, the food still in her mouth making her voice a little bit muffled. She reached for the white envelope, putting it in between the twins. “I can’t wait any longer, open it. It’s for both of you. From your dad and me”

 

“You want to?” Brian asked his sister, who shrugged and nodded, putting her fork down in favor of ripping the paper, albeit struggling a little bit since she only had one hand. “Here” Brian said softly, taking it from her, tearing into it a bit of the way so that she could easily do it.

 

 _“What is it?”_ Yevgeny wondered, trying to look closer, failing tremendously as he only had one steady view of the table from Californina.

 

“It’s…” Briana started, leaning closer so that her brother could read at the same time.

 

 

_‘We figured it was time for you to get the one thing you have been talking about for years. Don’t fucking wreck it_

 

_Dad & Aunt Mandy’_

 

 

There was nothing more on the card, but there didn’t need to be. Brian and Briana were both smart enough.

 

“You’re getting us a car?” Briana all but squealed, and Mickey and Mandy both nodded, smiles on their faces.

 

“Thank you so fucking much!” Brian said, and they both got up, wrapping their arms around their dad and aunt, thanking them over and over again. The twins had been begging for a car for so long that they had started to believe that it would never happen.

 

The rest of the gifts were just as thoughtful. Mickey and Ian collectively gave Brian a pair of DRE headphones, and Briana a new computer since hers was getting too old and slow. From Svetlana, Briana got a new pair of boots and Brian got the newest iphone. Yevgeny promised them both that he did have something for them, but that he wanted to give it to them in person.

 

The rest of the morning was spent eating way more waffles than what any human being should really be able to fit in their stomach, laughing and talking and basically just spending time together, something that they all didn’t have the chance to do a lot of. Granted, Yevgeny wasn’t actually there, but it was close enough. Ian’s hand was resting safely on Mickey’s thigh under the island, and Mickey placed his over it once in a while, reminding them both how much they loved each other.

 

 

 _“Hey, um…” Yevgeny said about an hour later. “Do you think that I could have a moment alone with mom and dad?”_ Mandy frowned for a second, but finally nodded, standing up and nodding for the others to follow her.

 

“Yeah, of course, Yev. We’ll go outside for a second, come on” Mandy, Ian and the twins all went outside onto the patio and sat down in the morning air.

 

Mickey moved closer to Svetlana, pushing the computer with him so that they could both be in frame at the same time.

 

“Is there something wrong, honey?” She asked, both of them noticing their sons solum expression. At the question, though, he shook his head no.

 

 _“Nothing’s wrong, I just um… there’s something I should have told both of you. A long time ago”_ Mickey frowned, head suddenly spinning with possibilities of what it could be. Had his son dropped out of school? Had he gotten someone pregnant? With every single painful second what passed helot more and more paranoid and by the time Yevgeny actually started speaking again, Mickey had to pull himself down to earth to listen. _“It’s nothing bad or wrong” He assured them again. “But you might be angry because it’s kind of weird that I haven’t told you before now…”_

 

“Just fucking spit it out, you’re scaring us” Mickey finally spat, earning himself a punch in the side from his ex wife. Yevgeny took a deep breath, shifting his gaze down to the keyboard for a second before looking up again.

 

 _“I have a girlfriend. We’re getting married”_ His voice was shaking every so slightly, and his parents were both sent into all but a shock state. Mickey blinked back at his son, trying to figure out how the fuck he could have missed him having a girlfriend.

 

Thankfully, Svetlana gathered herself first, giving him a few extra seconds.

 

“We’re happy for you” She said simply. “How long?” Her approach was apparently not making it a big deal, and as confused and surprised as Mickey still was, he had to admire her for doing so. Yevgeny was quite obviously nervous about how they were going to react, so the fact that Svetlana pretended as if it was virtually nothing was probably one of the best things she could have done.

 

 _“Well… we’ve been kind of seeing each other for a year. I never really found the right time to tell you, and I should have. I’m sorry. I want you to meet her someday, if you want to”_ At this point, Mickey had recovered enough to speak.

 

“We’re happy for you” He got out, nodding slightly to show that he was agreeing with Svetlana. “I um… We’re surprised, obviously. But if she makes you happy, buddy, then that’s all that matters. We’d love to meet her” On some level, it sounded like some kind of a rehearsed speech, but it was all the truth, and through shock, it was all he was able to push past his lips.

 

Holy fuck. His kid was going to be married.

 

 

Mickey and Svetlana told the others - with Yevgeny’s permission, of course - after they had ended the Skype call. Brian and Briana just shrugged, giving the adults the impression that maybe the twins hadn’t been quite as out of loop as they all had been. Mandy squealed, and Ian smiled, saying that he was happy for him. The truth was that as shocked as they all were about the news, that fact didn’t change that it was good news.

 

Really fucking good news. Yevgeny had to be one of the most genuinely kind people on earth, if anybody deserved to find happiness, it was him. Later than afternoon, Brian and Briana both went out to different places to celebrate with their friends as they always did.

 

 

By the time Briana arrived home again, it was almost black outside as she snuck into the house by the backdoor, using it for no other reason other than the fact that it made less noise and she wasn’t sure whether her family was asleep or not.

 

She spotted Ian on the couch, Mickey laying down, his head resting in his lap. “Hey” Ian spoke softly as to not wake his partner as he looked up at Briana.

 

“Hey” She said back, bending down to take her shoes off as they would knock too much against hardwood floors as she stepped closer to the living room part of the open floorplan.

 

“Good night?”

 

“Yeah” She nodded. “Yeah, it was good”

 

“I’m glad” Ian smiled at her, eyes drifting back to the muted television for a second before Briana’s voice dragged his attention back to her.

 

“Hey, I don’t really know how much I thanked you…” She started then, slowly sitting down on one of the loveseats. She did have a few vague memories of thanking her father’s boyfriend, but she wasn’t too sure if she had really made it known how much she truly appreciated everything he had done for her. Both during the shooting and afterwards. Ian frowned, waiting for her to continue. “For everything. I appreciate everything, I really do” She continued then, and Ian’s eyes softened.

 

“You don’t have to thank me, Bri. I love you. I love Brian and Yev too” Briana smiled at him, nodding. Ian’s heart warmed up a little bit at how much he actually did love this girl. It was easy to. After what they had been through together, maybe it wasn’t so weird that he cared about her as if she were his own daughter.

 

“You too, Ian” She spoke. “So you’re moving in?” Ian nodded at that.

 

“He told you?” He asked, voice still a whisper as to not wake up the sleeping man in his lap. Briana nodded in response. “Are you okay with that?”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, of course we are. I’m just… happy that you make him happy. It’s… nice, you know? He’s always dedicated his time to us, I like that he has something else to bring him happiness. He deserves it more than anyone else” She spoke honestly, eyes drifting down to her sleeping father, his tattooed hand interlocked with Ian’s.

 

“So when are you moving?” Ian shrugged, their eyes locking again.

 

“I figured I should contact my landlord on monday, give my notice. So soon. I just… Bri, I hope that you know you can tell us if you’re not comfortable with it. He’s told me that you can have problems with change, and I just want to make sure that me living here wouldn’t - “

 

“Stop” Briana cut him off gently, a smile on her face as she stood up. “It’s completely fine. I promise I’d tell you if it wasn’t. Besides - you’re a part of this family now” She promised, walking closer to them. “Welcome to the tribe, hoser”

 

Ian chuckled as she went past the couch towards the stairs.

 

“Good night” He called, trying to keep quiet at the same time.

 

“Night!”

 

The smile was still on Ian’s lips as he let his gaze fall down onto the sleeping man in his lap again. His free hand brushed a few of the black strands behind his ear, his heart swelling with love and affection. He knew that there was nothing more in this world that he wanted than to be a part of this beautiful family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope that people still like this story, I've been feeling a little insecure about it lately.


	29. (For You I Know I'd Even Try To) Turn The Tide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After all of that shit, maybe it wasn’t so strange that he was worried about letting himself be happy. Some of the happiest moments in his entire life had been followed by the absolute worst ones, and he had never seen them coming.

It didn’t take much more than a week before Ian was ready to move into the Milkovich household for real. So on a sunday, Mickey, Mandy and Brian all drove over to his apartment with him to help with the last of the packing.

 

Maybe Ian should have been nervous - maybe Mickey should have been nervous. But they weren’t. For some reason they just fucking knew that this was the right thing, that it wouldn’t prove to be that difficult. That it had been quite a few years since didn’t change the fact that they had lived together before, after all. If they hadn’t, maybe they would have been a little more shaky about the whole thing.

 

Mickey had read some horror stories in the past, about how couples who were so fucking in love had had the brilliant idea to move in together, and then fought to much that they ended up hating each other because they realized that they really had no idea who the other person was after all.

 

So of course some of that had stirred up some uneasiness inside of Mickey, despite the fact that he wasn’t too worried. Then again, the last time he had found himself worried, Ian had just wrapped him up in his arms and whispered ‘ _Baby, not one of those couples were us. We’re the best, remember?’_ That had put a stop to Mickey’s concerns, thankfully so.

 

Their interlocked hands were resting in Mickey’s lap as Ian drove them towards his apartment. If Mickey was honest, he hadn’t felt this at peace in a long time. Sure, they hadn’t been back together for very long, only five months - or one, depending on how you choose to look at it. But this was the right thing for all of them, and they both knew that.

 

Mickey’s gaze was focused straight ahead at the road as the car got closer an closer to Ian’s place. He subconsciously gave his hand a reassuring squeeze - that was another thing that he had gotten better at. Back when they were younger, he never really knew how to… be a couple?

 

All he had known - fuck, all both of them had really known - was how to fight and how to fuck. Now, they were both softer to each other, and as much as Mickey’s fifteen yearold felt may have blamed him for it, he fucking loved it. He loved the hand-holding, he love the forehead kisses. He loved all of it, all because he loved Ian.

 

Ian’s mouth pulled up into a small smile, his eyes still on the road as he lifted their hands to his mouth, pressing a soft kiss to the back of Mickey’s, bathing in the wonderful feeling of being able to do something so simple. The feeling of finally being able to be in love and happy without any dead beat dads or disorders or shootings hanging over them.

 

  
“You want us to take these down to the car while you pack up the rest?” Mandy asked Ian as soon as they entered the pale apartment, floors littered with bags and boxes.

 

“Yeah” Ian nodded, running a hand over the back of his neck as he let his eyes wander of the apartment. “The boxes marked with a B are the ones I figure I should bring and the ones marked with a T are the things I’m throwing away, so you can probably leave those. I’ll figure that out later”

 

“Alright” Brian nodded. “Let’s go” He and Mandy both picked up two boxes each, and Mickey turned to Ian, a smile dancing on his lips.

 

“What?” Ian asked, unable to keep from returning it as he took a step closer, tugging on Mickey’s shirt to make him to the same. It was almost like he was unable to keep his hands off of his partner for a single moment, as if they were teenagers or some shit. Then again, they had never really had the chance to act like it back when they had been so maybe they were allowed.

 

Mickey shrugged, giving into his boyfriend, taking a step closer, tilting his head upwards to look into those beautiful green eyes.

 

“It’s fucking happening” Ian let out a small chuckle, nodding.

 

“Yeah” He agreed, his teeth getting a hold of his bottom lip as he all but drowned in the blue, deep, beautiful orbs. “It’s happening”

 

As much as Mickey wasn’t scared about moving in with Ian - or rather Ian moving in with him, there was one thing he was scared of. Something he couldn’t quite seem to shake no matter how hard he tried.

 

“Nothing’s gonna go wrong, right? We’re gonna be good?”

 

Mickey had gotten better with being happy, with embracing the fact that his life was finally a point where he truly wouldn’t change a single thing about it. But of course that also frightened him a little bit, almost every single time in the past, whenever he had let down his guard, let himself be happy, things had gone wrong. Oh so terribly wrong.

 

There had been the time when he had let himself admit that the actually had a crush on Ian and he was okay with it - that’s when his mother had passed away. He had also let himself be happy on that morning after Ian had first stayed over, maybe that was when he had first released that he may actually be in love with the guy - that’s when Terry had caught them.

 

Mickey had let his guard down after his coming out. Terry had been sent back to prison, and Mickey and Ian had been amazing - that’s when Ian had truly gotten sick. Mickey had been happy that morning, the morning of the worst day in his entire life. He had been in bed with Ian, thinking about saying ‘ _fuck it_ ’ and getting back together - that’s when he had gotten the phone call about his kids.

 

After all of that shit, maybe it wasn’t so strange that he was worried about letting himself be happy. Some of the happiest moments in his entire life had been followed by the absolute worst ones, and he had never seen them coming.

 

Thankfully, he didn’t have to say any of this. Ian knew. He tilted his head to the side, sighing as he tugged Mickey even closer, making sure that he had his full attention, eyes on his.

 

“Baby, if anyone deserves to be happy, it’s you. You’re gonna be fine. I’m gonna be fine. We’re all gonna be fine, alright?” He assured him, not giving a fuck if he was laying it on thick, he knew that Mickey needed every bit of reassurance he could possibly get.

 

Mickey was quiet for a beat before he finally nodded a couple of times, a soft smile on his lips.

 

“Yeah. Thanks” Ian returned the smile, dipping his head down to capture Mickey’s lips in a kiss, every inch of his body tingling with the act.

 

“Mick?” He soon asked into his mouth. Mickey hummed, pulling away, his eyes fluttering open again. “We should probably pack up my dildos before your sister finds them”

 

“Fuck you” Mickey snorted, pulling away completely with a playful shove to Ian’s chest.

 

  
Ian and Mickey spent the next couple of hours in the bedroom, packing up the last few things that Ian hadn’t quite had the time for. Mickey folded some clothes while Ian gathered all of his different lubes and sex toys - he wasn’t actually joking about that part. Brian and Mandy kept carrying all of the boxes downstairs, there weren’t many, but they were all big and heavy so it took quite a while to finish everything.

 

Mickey was just folding one of the last of Ian’s pairs of jeans when he felt two strong arms wrap around his waist, a kiss being dropped to the top of his head. He leaned back into Ian for a second before turning around, lifting his arms to drape them around his neck.

 

Neither of them said anything, Ian just blinked down at his boyfriend, a soft smile on his lips. Mickey smiled back, feeling completely content, his fingertips slipping into the red strands of hair at the back of Ian’s neck.

 

Ian’s left arm was still wrapped around Mickey’s waist, his hand on the small of his back as he brought the other one up to his jawline, softly holding his beautiful face.

 

“You’re so amazing, Mick”

 

Mickey’s eyebrows knitted together for a moment, as he was surprised at the easy confession that had just tumbled out of Ian’s mouth. He did that sometimes, startled Mickey with small declares of love. Mickey would never be that person, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t love the fact that Ian was.

 

Back when they had both been younger, Ian had told him several times how much he liked him and how he wanted them to get out of the south side together. Mickey had never believed him - or maybe he just hadn’t had the balls to admit that he felt the exact same way. No matter what, that time of their lives was over and Mickey had never been happier for anything.

 

It was so fucking amazing, really. How they had fallen in love all those years ago and then somehow ended up here despite the odds. Mickey never said these things. He never quite knew how to express the heartbreaking, chest tearing, fire breathing love that he felt for this man. Fuck, he wasn’t even sure that he understood it all himself, even after all these years together.

 

Yet somehow, he also knew that he didn’t need to. Ian knew him way too well.

 

“You too” Was all he said, and Ian grinned, dipping his head, attempting to go in for a kiss. Before he could, though, the front door of the apartment slammed loudly, making them both jump apart.

 

“We’re done!” Mandy yelled from the living room. Mickey sighed, stretching his neck, stealing a kiss anyway before he pulled away from Ian, turning around to grab a hold of two of the four moving boxes that they had packed together. Ian took the other two, and then they walked out of the bedroom to join their family members.

 

“Everything in the car?” Mickey asked just to make sure, his eyes traveling around the empty apartment - well, free of Ian’s things, at least, the furniture and everything was still there, obviously.

 

“Yeah” Mandy nodded, looking around as well, making sure that her and Brian didn’t mix a box stuffed into a corner or something. Then her eyes landed on one of the boxes that Mickey had in his hands. “You think you’re being subtle?” She asked with a chuckle, eyes on the clearly written ‘ **XXX** ’.

 

“It’s not supposed to be subtle, Mands” Ian pointed out. “It’s to make sure you guys stay out of it. I don’t think you’d want to see that stuff anyway” Mandy frowned, humming. She couldn’t exactly disagree with that.

 

The mental imagine of Ian fucking her brother with a dildo was disturbing enough, she didn’t actually need to see the toys, she wasn’t sure that she would even survive that. She’d probably jump off of a clocktower before Mickey could say _‘Oh’_.

 

“There might be a few things left in the fridge I should take, though. Can someone look?” Ian asked, nodding to the boxes he was carrying to show that his hands were all held up.

 

Brian quickly walked over to the fridge, getting out a few water bottles and two ready made sandwiches before walking back over.

 

“Dude, I’m starving, can I have one before we go?” Mandy asked, looking to Ian, who just nodded with a shrug.

 

He and Mickey both put down their boxes, a silent agreement going through the group that they’d take a break and then drive back to the house and move Ian in. Mickey unscrewed the top of a bottle, swallowing a big gulp of water before he sat down on top of one of the boxes, his head dunking back against the wall.

 

“Hey, did you donate to the charity run yet?” Brian asked, eyes on his aunt as they both swallowed down pieces of bread, leaving none for the happy couple. Mickey handed his bottle of water over to his partner, both of them starting to feel the effects in their legs of packing and running up and down the stairs all day.

 

“No. I haven’t decided if I’m gonna do it yet”

 

“What’s the charity run?” Ian asked curiously.

 

“It’s this marathon thing that goes on in march every year” Mickey explained. “All the participants drive up to Tampa and then they run back. Camp out and shit”

 

“What charity is it for?” Ian asked then, and Mandy shrugged.

 

“I don’t know, it’s different every year, but none of us have ever done the run. We usually just donate either money or blood”

 

“That’s cool. Mick, you ever do it?” Ian turned to his partner, who nodded as he swallowed another gulp of water.

 

“Yeah. Gave some blood last year, it’s pretty nice. It’s like everyone comes together for once or some shit. To fight whatever disease or movement it stands for that year” Mickey shrugged, hoping that he explained it correctly.

 

He had never really known why participating in the charity run was such a big deal in the Milkovich family these days - Mickey had never really been one to care for charity in the past, and outside of the run, he still really didn’t - but they had just always done it, ever since they had first moved to Miami.

 

What he had just said was true - as much as he loved Miami it wasn’t exactly a small town, which meant that there were always murders or fights or whatever the fuck going on in most places. But for a couple of days in march, it felt as if everybody just kind of came together. It felt really nice.

 

“I might want to do that” Ian stated thoughtfully as he took another sip of the water that Mickey handed him back. Mandy shook her head, swallowing down one of the last bites of her sandwich.

 

“You had cancer, remember? You can’t give blood” It didn’t even take one point five seconds before Mandy realized what she had said and froze up, her eyes connecting with Ian’s from across the room, his head tilted, the green color filled with nothing but annoyance for once. “Oh… shoot” She mumbled slowly, eyes traveling to connect with her incredibly confused older brother’s before she finally snapped herself out of it and stood up, nodding for her nephew to follow her.

 

“Brian… I think we should give them some privacy. I’m sorry Ian, it was a total slip” With that, Mandy was out the door, being followed by a very confused Brian.

 

As soon as the door was closed and Mickey and Ian were alone, Ian sighed deeply, his gaze falling to the hardwood floors as he ran a hand up the back of his neck and down again, wondering how the fuck Mickey would react to this.

 

Ian was more than aware that he should have told him, of course he was. And he had intended to, several times, actually. It was just that everything was going so fucking well between them, and he had been healthy for a long time. With the shooting and Briana’s arm and everything, it had just seemed as if it would be really fucking wrong to put more weight on Mickey’s shoulders, there was just no fucking point to it.

 

While Ian’s mind was rushing around and around this way, Mickey’s was completely blank, his body trying over and over again to swallow the lump in his throat but never quite succeeding with that task.

 

“W…” Mickey’s eyes fell closed as he took a deep breath and finally got it voice to work enough. “What?” Ian sighed, clenching his eyes closed for a second before letting them fall open again, his hands running over his hair as he stood up onto his feet, walking a few steps so that he was standing in the middle of the living room, facing Mickey. His boyfriend was just looking up at him, big blue eyes filled with an emotion that Ian was all to familiar with. Fear.

 

Not the _‘You’re gonna hurt me’_ kind of fear of course, no, this was a much worse kind. This was the _‘My entire world is being torn out from under me. I fucking knew that this was going to happen’_ kind of fear. Ian didn’t know what the fuck to do, so he just nodded gently, confirming that Mickey had heard right, the green eyes falling to the floor.

 

“What the fuck, Ian?” Mickey sighed, and Ian inwardly cringed at how fucking broken he sounded as he stood up, taking a couple of steps closer to his partner. “Why didn’t I know about this? I thought we were partners”

 

“We are!” Ian somehow managed to exclaim through the thick, wild haze in his brain of different possibilities as to how he could handle this.

 

Mickey just stood still before him, face neutral, shoulders slightly slumped, lips parted as he waited for Ian to continue. Out of all the fucking things that he had imagined going wrong, this… this was just completely unbelievable.

 

Ian let his hands fall to the sides of Mickey’s neck, his thumbs on his jawline as he quickly tried to sort through his brain, looking to see what he could say to make this all better. He knew that Mickey was hurt that he would tell Mandy and not him, god knows Ian would be, were it the other way around. But to be fair, the only reason Ian hadn’t let Mickey know about it was because it would have cracked him.

 

“These are fucking things we’re supposed to know about each other” Mickey pointed out. “What kind of cancer? How bad was it? When did you have it? Fuck” He all but collapsed into Ian’s chest, his mind spinning and spinning and spinning.

 

How the actual fuck had this never come up in five fucking months? Mickey felt as if someone above was laughing at him. He should have fucking known that something would mess up his mood, their honeymoon stage. He didn’t give a fuck whether Ian was healthy now or not, the point was that he had had cancer, fucking cancer, and Mickey hadn’t had a single fucking clue about it.

 

Ian sighed, enveloping Mickey in his arms, his lips and nose buried in the black hair.

 

“I’m sorry, baby. I know that I should have told you” He whispered. “But with… everything” They all had a silent agreement not to use the word ‘shooting’ too much. It stirred up way too much shit in their souls. “I’ve been fine for a long time, I just figured it wasn’t worth it” Ian hoped that he was able to explain this correctly, that he was able to convey to Mickey that there was no reason to be worried. Or angry.

 

Mickey sighed deeply, his fists curling into the material of Ian’s shirt as his eyes stayed closed, his senses being filled with that special, comforting smell that only Ian could provide. He swallowed deeply before he lifted his head, tilting his neck back a little bit to look up at Ian.

 

“I just…” He started. “You should have fucking told me” Ian didn’t answer to that, because they both knew that he knew that he was right. “You gonna answer my questions?” Mickey asked after a beat. Ian sighed, staying silent for a beat before he answered.

 

“I got it in my stomach, it was um… pretty bad, yeah. But I’ve been good for almost a year and a half now. You don’t have to worry” He assured Mickey, who just snorted and went back in, wrapping his arms tightly around his boyfriend’s body, burying his face deep in the crook of his neck, not having the energy to be angry at him.

 

The fear was too powerful. Of course he was happy that Ian was healthy now, but… what if he wouldn’t have been? What if he had died, just like that? And Mickey would have been Ennis Del Mar, finding out only a long time afterwards, sad and alone, mourning the love of his life, punishing himself because he hadn’t had the guts to go after what he had wanted when he could have.

 

“I’m sorry” Ian whispered again as Mickey let go, their eyes connecting again. The brunet nodded, his eyes slightly blank.

 

“Ian?” Ian hummed, his eyebrows knitting together a little bit. “Let’s fucking go home”

 

  
Once all of Ian’s things had been brought up into their bedroom, the entire Milkovich family - sadly excluding Yevgeny, of course - spend that night in the living room, eating all different kind of fast food, some random B comedy movie playing on the television.

 

Briana was on one of the loveseats, legs pulled up to her body, one of the little white containers perched in between her legs as she did her best to use the chopsticks to get the food up and into her mouth. Most things she had mastered by now, but she also knew that there were several things that she would struggle with for a long time.

 

If she was honest, she was good now. Whatever she was absolutely unable to do, her family would do for her, and despite the fact that she still had mini-meltdowns once in a while, she was doing a fuck of a lot better than she had been a couple of months back and right now, that was good enough for her.

 

Briana’s friends had finally stopped treating her like an invalid, and the truth was that more often than not, she didn’t think too much of her missing limb. Her family helped a lot, too of course. Not just with physical tasks, but the energy was helping her through this. If she were to guess, that was something that they weren’t even aware of themselves.

 

But every single time that Ian pecked her father’s lips, or every time Brian chuckled at one of his own jokes, all of it just added up to… love. A loving home, filled with happy people no matter what kind of shit they went through together, and without that, Briana wasn’t too sure where she would have been.

 

  
Mandy and Lana were pressed together in one of the big, soft chairs, Mandy’s legs thrown over her wife’s, their eyes on the television screen. Brian was seated beside his sister and Mickey and Ian had the couch to themselves.

 

Their fingers were laced together, Mickey leaning against Ian, his head on his shoulder, not giving a fuck that they were in front of their family. Everything just felt so fucking right. Mickey was still struggling to melt the whole cancer thing, of course, but he figured that it could have been worse.

 

At least Ian was completely healthy now - as far as the cancer went. Mickey was probably still subconsciously holding his breath about Ian’s bipolar disorder, but he knew that Ian was too, and so far into this leg of their relationship, everything had been completely fine.

 

There were a lot of things worth worrying about in Mickey’s life, of course there were. But for right now, tonight, Ian had moved in. His house was their house, and if he was completely honest, he hadn’t felt this happy or at peace with his life in a long time.

 

A part of him was still terrified, of course, he and Ian had never really had the chance to be happy for very long before and the fact that it was currently going so well was terrifying. But he also had the feeling that this time was different.

 

Ian moved his head a little bit, pressing a kiss to Mickey’s forehead. The blue eyes fell closed for a moment before Mickey lifted his head to look up into Ian’s eyes, both of them silent for a beat before he leaned forwards, capturing Ian’s perfect lips in a soft kiss.

 

  
“You want to unpack something?” Mickey asked, running his hand over his tired face as they entered the bedroom, the clock ticking closer and closer to midnight.

 

“No” Ian said, closing the door behind them before he tugged at Mickey’s hand, making him turn around, pulling them close together. Mickey was completely unable to keep the grin off of his face as his hands landed on Ian’s hips, his head tilted upwards to look into Ian’s green eyes. They sparkled somehow, even more than usual. “I just want to go to bed with you” Ian whispered, and Mickey chuckled, his stomach once again bubbling as if he were a thirteen year old school girl or some shit. Then again, taking everything into consideration, he figured that they were both allowed to be a little bit high off of each other.

 

“Our bed” Mickey spoke without much thought.

 

“Our bed” Ian nodded, his mouth pulled into one of the biggest grins that Mickey could ever really remember having seen on his face. The redhead lowered his face, going in for a kiss, but Mickey pulled away, the giddiness suddenly falling off of his own. “What?” Ian asked with a frown, and Mickey wasn’t quite sure how to answer that question.

 

His fists curled into the thin fabric of Ian’s t shirt, and as Mickey’s eyes stayed locked on those big, green ones, the lump stuck in his throat did nothing but grow.

 

They had all had so much to deal with today, moving took a fair amount of time, obviously. But now, when they were home, alone, their night calm again, all Mickey could think about was what Mandy had let slip earlier.

 

Ian knew what was bothering him before Mickey even opened his mouth, a soft sigh escaping his own lips, his thumb rubbing smooth circles on his partner’s jawline.

 

Mickey’s eyes fell to his mouth for a moment as he collected himself, trying to figure out how to say this in the best way. How could he express this, this… worry? This uneasiness inside of him, how could he explain it to Ian when he didn’t even understand half of it himself?

 

“I can’t…” He started, voice shaking, eyes still torn away from Ian’s. “I don’t want to think of you like that… just…” Flashes of Ian, skinny, pale, scared clicked in front of Mickey’s eyes and he didn’t have the balls to ask whether they were accurate or not. He didn’t want to say it, he couldn’t express it. It was way too painful. The thought of his Ian being anything other than happy and healthy after everything that they had been through, it was just… way too much. Too heavy.

 

“Hey” Ian sighed, slipping his hand a little bit further down Mickey’s neck, his thumb ending up under his chin as he gently eased his head up to make eye contact. The deep, beautiful blue color was mixed with worry and vulnerability, and it broke Ian’s heart. “I’m okay, it was a long time ago. Why are you acting as if it just happened?” He asked, voice shaking with confusion, throat tight. Mickey took a deep, vibrating breath, shrugging as he let go of Ian’s shirt in favor of stepping even a little bit closer, wrapping his arms all the way around his body instead.

 

“I just fucking found out about it, man” Mickey pointed out. “For me it did kind of just happen” Beat. “You should have just fucking told me. It’s a big deal”

 

Ian sighed, tilting his head a bit to the side. He wished oh so badly that he knew the perfect words. The words that would make Mickey feel all better, the words that would make him stop worrying and start living. Not just in reference to Ian’s health, but with everything. Mickey was - and to some degree always had been - the guy who believed the wasn’t worthy of something. That he wasn’t worthy or love or happiness or even a good life.

 

Whenever Mickey came into something good, he was terrified because whenever it had happened in the past, whatever that good thing was, it had for some reason or another been ripped right out of his grasp.

 

Ian knew all of this, of course he did. Mickey did in fact not have to tell him any of it straight out. But the fact that Ian knew, that didn’t change that he didn’t know how to help him out of it. Sure, he could hold him and whisper sweet things and reassurances into his ear - he always did. But that didn’t really help Mickey in the long run and Ian didn’t know if anything ever would.

 

“I know” Ian finally settled on, tugging Mickey even closer even though it was all but virtually impossible at this point. Mickey’s fingers subconsciously toyed with the fabric of Ian’s t shirt, stretched over his back as he tried to figure out what to say back. “I know I should have, baby” Ian continued. “But I’m okay now, alright? You don’t have to worry about me”

 

They were both silent for another beat before Mickey’s teeth caught the inside of his bottom lip, his mind spinning like a fucking race car yet staying completely still somehow all at the same time.

 

“What if one day you’re not, Ian? Huh? Cancer isn’t something that just goes away and never comes back. What fucking then?” Mickey’s voice was angry and heartbroken all at the same time, his eyes turning even wetter by the second.

 

Ian thought that maybe he could physically feel his own heart breaking at the sound.

 

“Because I can’t watch you go through another fucking disease or disorder or whatever the fuck, alright? One to worry about is enough. What if - “

 

Ian cut his boyfriend off by placing his hands on the side of his face, bringing him up for a long, soft, reassuring kiss, hoping that he with the act managed to convey what he couldn’t quite figure out how to say.

 

Because he couldn’t say that the cancer would never come back, because he didn’t know that. He couldn’t promise that their life from now on would be nothing but a fucking fairytale, because it wouldn’t be.

 

But right now, in this very moment, they were happy. For once, there was nothing what so ever standing in the way of their happiness and after everything, that was worth just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel as if this is the absolute worst chapter I've ever written in my entire life. Ugh. Also it feels so short? Like it took forever for me to finish and it has the same wordcount as all the other ones but still?


	30. To Grow Up, To Go Places

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If he was honest, maybe some guys would be annoyed with their partner being jealous, but Ian had always kind of liked it. Maybe because Mickey had never blown things out of proportion, whenever he was jealous, it was usually a guy who had had his eye on Ian in the past. So in a way, it was always justified. 
> 
> Mickey had also always done his best to hide his feelings for Ian - at least in the early stages of their relationship. So seeing him be jealous, it was… honestly just cute to Ian. And hot. It was hot too.

Mickey kept his eyes closed as the water pounded down onto his aching muscles. ‘We just moved in together’ sex was pretty fucking incredible, but apparently it was also pretty fucking straining.

 

When he had first awoken this morning, Ian had still been fast asleep, curled around him, tugging Mickey’s body to his as if he were a baby with a teddy bear. It had crossed his mind to wake Ian up, but instead he had carefully slipped out of his hold and into the shower, deciding to take a few minutes to himself before his partner were to wake up.

 

If he was honest, Mickey couldn’t quite figure out what to feel at this point in his life. Sure, his life with Ian was amazing. But there were so many other things to worry about and the truth was that as soon as he grinned or laughed, he just felt kind of… guilty. His daughter had gone through probably one of the hardest things that a person can, and here he was, only a few months later. Happy as fucking ever.

 

Then again, Briana seemed to be doing pretty good so maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. Mickey would never be able to express how he felt, fuck, he was currently struggling to understand it himself. Sometimes he was up, happy, giddy with how perfect his life was. Then he would fall and feel a lot heavier. As if nothing really mattered anymore.

 

He wasn’t bipolar and it wasn’t fair of him to compare the two at all, but in some kind of way he could kind of identify with an unstable Ian in the sense that he felt as if he had no control of himself. Was he supposed to be happy, sad, confused, giddy, in love, what?

 

Alas, maybe it was more than okay to be all of it at once.

 

A loud sigh escaped Mickey’s nose as he tilted his neck backwards, letting the water pour down onto his face, weighing him down further as he willed himself to stop spinning over the same things over and over. He had been doing that a lot lately. It needed to stop, it wasn’t healthy. His kids were happy, Ian was healthy and their relationship was good, that was all that mattered.

 

If any of that were ever to change, they’d deal with that once they came to it.

 

Mickey was torn out of his semi hazey mind by someone joining him in the shower, two strong arms wrapping around his body, pulling him close. As soon as his brain registered what was happening, a sound between a sigh and a chuckle escaped Mickey’s lips, and he leaned into the touch, every single corner of his body on fire, just as always.

 

“I love this” Ian’s dark morning voice purred into Mickey’s ear right before he pressed a kiss to the skin right behind it, his right thumb gently rubbing up and down on the skin of the left side of Mickey’s waist. The older man’s mouth immediately pulled into a grin, any less than positive thoughts being pushed out of his brain, being replaced by pure, unadulterated Ian. Just the way he liked it.

 

“Showering?” Mickey asked teasingly, eyes fluttering closed when Ian started fully nibbling, sucking at the back of his neck, surely creating a bad hickey. He hummed in amusement, the vibrations being sent straight into Mickey’s body through the thin skin, his teeth digging into the inside of his bottom lip in pleasure.

 

“Living together” Ian corrected his partner, voice muffled by Mickey’s wet flesh. Mickey sighed, humming in agreement, his hands falling onto Ian’s arms, holding him right back. The water kept pounding down onto them as they just stood there, Ian’s arms wrapped tightly around Mickey, Mickey leaning back against him. To some it may seem boring but to them it was amazing. To not have any drama right then and there - to just be able to stand in the shower, holding each other.

 

Mickey’s mind went to a place where it had gone a lot lately. Despite everything, fuck it if he wasn’t the luckiest bastard on planet earth.

 

Ian went back to mouthing at his neck, and with that, the air in the shower just somehow snapped back to something that they both were a little bit more familiar with.

 

Heat.

 

Mickey tightened his grip on Ian’s arms, a small whine welling up in his throat as Ian scraped his teeth over the already tender skin of his neck. He rolled his hips backwards without so much as a second thought, creating some friction as Ian’s already hard cock slipped in between his cheeks.

 

The water somehow made their skin both slippery and rough, but the heat steaming up the glass was more than making up for it. A heavy breath escaped Mickey’s lips as he kept rocking back against Ian, his own cock becoming harder and harder with every second that passed.

 

Ian kept nibbling at his neck, his arms staying tightly wound around Mickey’s body as he met his movements rocking forwards over and over again, his cock sliding up and down in between his boyfriend’s ass cheeks.

 

“Fuck” Ian’s curse fanned over Mickey’s hot skin as the pleasure started to build them both up. Mickey was thrumming in high gear as he rolled his hips, pressing his ass back into Ian, wanting them as close as they could possibly come, thirsting for that heavy, overwhelming pleasure that only one person in the world could give him. “Turn around”

 

The taller man loosened his grip on his partner, and Mickey obeyed him, spinning around, crashing their lips together as soon as he was close enough. Ian’s lips easily slipped in between his, his hands landing on the sides of his neck, cradling his face, pulling him up to make the kiss even deeper.

 

Their cocks were momentarily forgotten as their arms slipped around their bodies, holding the other close, their lips and tongues clashing together in a complete and utter, perfectly chaotic mess, their heads spinning like race cars.

 

“I love you” Mickey muttered against Ian’s lips once they had pulled apart.

 

“I love you” Ian promised back right before he slipped his hands down his partner’s body, grabbing a hold of his thighs to lift him up, taking a step forwards to press him back against the shower wall. Mickey groaned in appreciation of the manhandling, pressing a hand to the back of Ian’s neck, bringing him in for another hot, passionate kiss, his legs easily slipping around his torso to steady them both.

 

Using his teeth, Ian tugged at Mickey’s perfectly plump bottom lip, letting it go with a delicious sounding plop right before he went back in, deepening the kiss, sliding his tongue over it to soothe the slight pinch.

 

Mickey hummed, his cock starting to ache with need, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask Ian to hurry the fuck up. Not just yet. He was enjoying this too much.

 

This morning was the first time ever they had woken up in a house that was their own. Together. He didn’t want this to be over in the blink of an eye, no matter how much heat, passion or need was in the air in between them.

 

Ian kept his hands on Mickey’s thighs, the makeup session continuing as he started rocking his hips slightly, his cock sliding over Mickey’s ass, teasing them both.

 

“Fuck” Mickey breathed into his mouth, longing for the feeling of Ian’s long, thick and perfect cock filling him up the way that nobody else could. Ian hummed against his tongue before pulling away from the kiss only to go in for even more, his stomach almost buzzing to the point of rawness at the need thrumming inside of him. He loved this man so fucking much, nothing would ever be able to change that. “Need you” Mickey mumbled in between kisses. “Fucking - “ He cut himself off with a loud groan as Ian’s cock slipped over his still stretched hole. “Fuck me”

 

Ian hummed, pressing one last hard, deep kiss to that perfect mouth before pulling away from it, letting go of one of Mickey’s thighs in favor of reaching for the condom he had brought with him in. Mickey felt himself slipping down, his thighs aching at having to hold himself up, so he snatched the foil from Ian’s grasp, ripping it open with his teeth.

 

Ian took the hint, placing his hand back onto Mickey’s leg, pushing him up a little bit so that they were both steady as Mickey threw the packet to the side and reached down in between them, carefully but eagerly rolling the rubber onto Ian’s cock, stroking it twice or thrice to make sure it was on good. Ian looked down and sighed in pleasure at the touch, but once Mickey’s hand was gone, they both straightened up again, Ian completely unable to keep himself from going in for another kiss.

 

Their mouths collided, Ian tightening his grip on Mickey’s thighs as he let his cock slip in between his cheeks again, teasing both of them. A small sound escaped Mickey’s throat at the feeling, his legs tightening around his partner, urging him closer. Ian pressed two more, deep kisses to Mickey’s lips and then finally, he placed the tip of his cock against his hole, pressing inside.

 

Ian swallowed the groans tumbling out of Mickey’s mouth as the huge cock filled him up so fucking perfectly. His legs tightened further around Ian’s body, his heels pushing as his ass, craving even more of him.

 

“Perfect” The word slipped out from in between Mickey’s lips without him thinking much of it, and Ian hummed, both sounds trapped in between their mouths in the sloppy kiss.

 

“You - “ Ian cut himself off with a groan right as he bottomed out inside of his lover. “You’re so fucking tight for me” He continued, stopping their movements momentarily to get them both used to being connected like this again.

 

Mickey’s breath fanned Ian’s tongue, the kiss stopped for now, both pairs of eyes closed. The slight sting of Ian forcing him open without lube had to be one of the best feelings in the world as far as Mickey saw it. It didn’t hurt, really, since they had taken their time with preparation last night, but he could still feel it just enough to be reminded of how big Ian’s cock was. It was nothing short of perfect.

 

Ian kept their foreheads leaning together, his thumbs gently rubbing the skin of Mickey’s thighs as he felt his ass clench and unclench around him. He could feel every single ridge, every single unevenness, driving him completely crazy even though he knew Mickey’s body by heart by now, both in and out.

 

The hot water kept pounding down over them, soaking them both more and more. Had they been in a less compromising position, Mickey probably would have teased Ian about how fluffy his hair looked when it was wet. Told him how cute it was.

 

Alas, they were in a very compromising position, so it would have to wait. Ian lifted his head a little bit, tightening his hold on Mickey’s thighs, pulling back and out of him, and then slamming back in, timing it so that their lips collided right as he bottomed out once again. Mickey groaned as the mesmerizing feeling, digging his heels further into Ian’s perfect ass, urging him on.

 

Ian groaned into his partner’s mouth, rolling his hips, repeating the movement, driving them both closer to pure bliss. At first, Mickey tried to roll his hips right back to meet Ian’s movements but as it turns out, in this position, that wasn’t too easy to do, so eventually he just stopped and let Ian do most of the work, fucking into him.

 

Their lips stayed on each other’s, tongues slipping over the other’s, Mickey using his short finger nails to claw at Ian’s back as they swallowed each other’s groans and moans, driving the other man completely and utterly insane in the best possible way.

 

Mickey’s perfectly thick and pale thighs stayed wrapped around Ian’s torso as he pounded into him. Harder and harder with every single roll of his hips.

 

They were both too gone to keep the kiss going by now, so instead their mouths stayed pressed together in a complete mess of breaths, moans and mumbled curses, Ian slamming Mickey against the shower wall with seemingly all the might in his body.

 

Their breaths started to quicken, Mickey digging his teeth deep into Ian’s bottom lip, making the redhead wince in pain, craving more of it. After all of these years, Mickey was more than fluent in Ian and knew exactly what he was saying with that one, extra hard thrust of his hips. He kept stabbing into Mickey over and over again, inching them both slightly closer to their highs as he moved his mouth to Ian’s neck, digging his teeth into the wet, hot skin.

 

“Oh!” Ian mewled, stretching his neck upwards, the water pounding down onto his face as he was just barely able to keep himself enough in check to keep his hips rolling into Mickey.

 

Mickey dug his heels into his partner’s ass, his tongue swiping over the tender skin that he had just bitten, soothing the slight ache that was surely there. Ian’s cock kept entering him over and over again at a brutal pace, stabbing his prostate each and every time, turning him into a complete pile of mush under his touch.

 

By now, Mickey had abandoned the act of creating a hickey, he was too gone for it, instead he was just resting his open mouth against Ian’s shoulder, breathing onto the sensitive skin as they both climbed higher and higher, both of them getting dangerously close to their orgasms.

 

Ian’s hands had traveled from Mickey’s mid-thigh to his ass, spreading his cheek as he held him up. Mickey was clinging to his boyfriend like a fucking octopus, forehead against his shoulder, desperate for release and only half a dozen thrusts from it - so of course when Ian slowed his movements down, he was confused and annoyed at first.

 

However, then he felt it. Ian kept rocking into him slowly, one of his fingers slipping over the swollen rim, massaging it teasingly. He knew what was coming before Ian even opened his mouth.

 

“Think you can take more?” His heavy, breathy, husky voice clouded the sound of the rushing water inside of the hot shower.

 

“Fuck, do it” Mickey hiccuped, pushing back against him. He was pretty sure than he would have agreed, had it so been a monster sized dildo Ian had suggested join his cock in there. He felt so fucking needy, thirsty and dirty. He fucking wanted everything.

 

Mickey could do nothing but keep clinging to his boyfriend as Ian slowly but surely worked him open further. At some point, Ian’s cock accidentally slipped out of him with a thick sounding plop, and Mickey just barely kept himself from whining at the loss. Then finally, Ian slid back in, two of his fingers joining his cock inside of Mickey’s ass.

 

Mickey groaned at the wonderful feeling, rocking back against his touch as Ian picked up the pace again, fucking into him. He kept breathing against Ian’s collarbone, all but completely gone as the pleasure started building up in his stomach once again.

 

Ian was completely amazed at how well Mickey was just taking even more of him. He knew that the man was a complete fucking champion at taking cock but he had for sure believed that the limit was at his cock - because he was big, and he knew this.

 

As he kept fucking up into Mickey, Ian found himself wanting to see it. He could just imagine how fucking beautiful Mickey’s ass looked, pink rim swollen, accepting anything and everything Ian was giving it. Possibly thirsting for even more. It was impossible for him to view in this position, of course, he would have to save that for another time.

 

Mickey dug his fingertips into Ian’s back, rocking back onto him as much as he could, completely and utterly desperate for the release he had been craving for the past twenty minutes.

 

He was pretty sure that both curses and moans and groans were falling from his lips, but he was too far gone to register all of it. Instead his mouth was still leaned against Ian’s skin, teeth digging into the flesh as Ian pistoled into him over and over again, knowing just where his prostate was, focusing on the nub, turning Mickey’s body all but completely boneless.

 

“You’re so fucking good, Mick” Ian hissed, and Mickey could tell from the waver of his voice that he was getting dangerously close to his high as well.

 

“More” Mickey hiccuped, both of their voices clouded by the pouring water. His eyes were clenched shut in pleasure, his body thrumming.

 

“Your ass is so tight. So fucking good for me” Mickey howled at the praise, his teeth digging further into Ian’s shoulder, silently asking for even more. “My good boy” Ian continue, struggling to keep his voice steady enough that Mickey would be able to make out the words.

 

He kept fucking into his lover over and over again, both of them all but dangling over the edge by now.

 

“My baby” Ian whispered into Mickey’s ear, turning his fingers, curling them to scrape the soft tips right against Mickey’s inner walls.

 

“Oh, fuck!” Mickey yelled, almost louder than Ian thought he had ever heard him be before. His heels dug further into Ian’s ass, urging him on further, his legs tightening around him, fingers digging deep into the flesh of his back.

 

“My beautiful baby”

 

“Fuck!” Mickey screamed again, and with that, copious amounts of come shot out of his cock, coating their chest for about half a second before the pounding water washed it away. Ian slipped his fingers out of him so that he could keep them both from falling down to the floor as Mickey shook and howled through his orgasm.

 

Ian kept fucking up into Mickey, albeit slowing down a little bit as his high still wasn’t over with. His hold on his body was tight, leading him through the intense orgasm.

 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck” The word was whispered over and over again against the wet, hot skin of Ian’s collar bone as Mickey’s body finally started to slow down a little bit, the semen no longer pouring out of him.

 

“You okay for me to keep going?” Ian asked gently once Mickey was just barely anything but a limp body in his arms. He got a couple of small nods, though, so he took that as permission and started rolling his hips even a little bit faster. Within maybe six thrusts, he was there as well, pressing Mickey up against the shower wall as he spilled into the condom, his face buried in the crook of Mickey’s neck.

 

Moans and groans, blended with the occasionally whispered ‘fuck’ fanned Mickey’s pale skin, and he felt Ian’s cock twitch a couple of times towards the end.

 

Then when it was over, they were just there. Two completely and utterly fucked out men in a shower, their bodies bearing no bones anymore, neither of them quite sure how to regain their breaths or their energy. They stayed like that for a minute or two, Mickey’s legs wrapped around Ian’s torso, Ian’s hands on his thighs, holding him up. Their face buried in each other’s necks as they did their best to come back to life.

 

Finally, Ian sighed deeply and lifted his head, carefully easing Mickey down to stand on his own. Mickey felt as if his body was somewhere else right now. This had to be the definition of fucked out.

 

“You good?” Ian asked gently as Mickey kept his arms around him, face in his neck. Mickey just hummed, staying as he was, hugging his boyfriend close to him. Ian let out a sound somewhere between a chuckle and a hum as he caught on, wrapping his arms around Mickey right back, leaning his cheek onto the black hair as the - amazingly still hot - water kept pouring down onto them.

 

It was rare - fuck, it had probably only happened once or twice in this decade - but once in a while, Mickey would get into one of these moods - usually after some really fucking intense fucking session - where he just wanted to hold Ian. Snuggle him as if he were some kind of teddy bear or something. Of course, back when they had been younger, he had tried to disguise this urge as something else.

 

Now, though, he didn’t seem to care so much and Ian had to admit, it was one of his favorite things about the love of his life.

 

“You actually got any cleaning done in here?” Ian asked after a beat, and Mickey snorted, seemingly regain some of his energy.

 

“No. Fuck it” Ian snorted too, and then Mickey finally lifted his head from his neck, his grip loosening ever so slightly as they looked at each other.

 

Ian blinked down at Mickey, completely and utterly mesmerized at how fucking beautiful he was. Of course in Ian’s opinion, he was beautiful twenty four seven, three sixty five. But something about the wet hair, the blown pupils. The flushed chest, neck and face, it just… amplified all the things that were already visually amazing.

 

“Your jaw is uneven” Ian frowned at the random statement.

 

“What?” Mickey snorted at his boyfriend obvious confusion and brought a hand up, laying it against Ian’s jawline, resting his thumb onto his chin.

 

“It’s uneven” He shrugged again. “It’s cute”

 

Ian rolled his eyes, a grin taking over his lips as he dipped his head to press their mouths together. Mickey immediately responded to the kiss, his practiced lips easily slipping in between Ian’s, their tongues sliding together for a second before Ian eased them both out of it.

 

“As much as I want to go for round two, I have work. So do you” He pointed out, making a groan escape Mickey’s lips at the reminder.

 

As soon as they got out of the shower, Mickey wrapped a towel around his lower body, and Ian got rid of the condom, wincing at the slight uneasiness since he had kept it on for a little bit longer than maybe he technically should have.

 

“You know we should really stop using these” Ian said thoughtfully as he tied it off and tossed it into the trashcan.

 

“What, the rubbers?” Mickey asked, tugging his boxers on and going over to using the towel to rub his hair dry.

 

“Yeah” Ian said. “You’d be okay with that?” There was a short period in time where they hadn’t been using them, right after Ian had gotten back from the army. But then, Mickey had pretty soon realised that maybe Ian wasn’t being quite as faithful as he would have liked them both to be, so they had started again.

 

It still stung whenever either of them thought about it, especially since it had never been a choice that Ian had made, he just simply hadn’t been aware of his actions when he had cheated on Mickey.

 

Maybe that fact that it easier for Mickey to forgive him for being unfaithful, but it surely didn’t make it any easier for Ian to forgive himself. The fact that he had cheated on Mickey - mentally stable or not - it was to this day a tough pill to swallow. Alas, he swallowed any uneasiness down and tugged his shirt down over his body, forcing himself not to think about it.

 

“Yeah” Mickey agreed, hanging his towel up and taking the few steps over to the sink, picking his toothbrush up. “You want to get tested first? Just make sure?” Ian nodded, their eyes connecting through the wall sized mirror. That was probably the smart thing to do.

 

“We can go this afternoon” Ian suggested. “Or tomorrow”

 

Mickey let his gaze fall to the sink as he hurried up, quickly brushing his teeth and then spitting the tooth paste out, dipping his head down to steal some water from the running stream, cleaning his mouth out before he could finally answer his partner.

 

“Yeah. Today’s probably good” He agreed, turning around to face Ian. They were both half dressed by now, shirts and boxers on with their intended jeans laying out on the bed. A small smile was fast on Ian’s lips as he took the few steps forwards, placing his hands on the cool sink, boxing Mickey in with nowhere to go.

 

Mickey tilted his head back a little bit, looking up into the big, green eyes, heart fluttering.

 

“I love you so much”

 

Ian seemed slightly surprised at how easily the words tumbled out of Mickey’s mouth without him having to say it first. Sure, it wasn’t the first time, but it still warmed his heart, his stomach fluttering at the sound.

 

“I love you too, baby” Ian spoke back, dipping his head to capture Mickey’s lips in between his own, humming into it. Mickey’s hands easily fell onto his hips, curling into soft fists, bringing the fabric of his grey henley with them.

 

Way too soon, Ian pulled away with a last peck, letting go of his boyfriend and stepping around him in favor of grabbing his own toothbrush. Mickey found himself momentarily appreciating how right it looked for the object to be beside his in the little cup. It was perfect, just like so many other aspects of it all.

 

However, there was one thing that was still bothering Mickey. Something he hadn’t quite had the balls to bring up just yet because he wasn’t too sure what Ian’s reaction would be. But he just couldn’t fucking help the uneasiness in the pit of his stomach whenever Ian went to work, and if he was honest, he doubted that it would ever ease up if he didn’t talk to him about it.

 

“Babe?” Mickey was snapped out of his haze by Ian’s muffled voice, and he lifted his head, their eyes connecting through the mirror as Ian kept brushing his teeth, frowning, wondering what his boyfriend was so obviously mulling over.

 

“Can I ask you something?” Ian nodded, and Mickey swallowed. “That guy um… The one you went on that date with. You ever see him?”

 

Mickey knew that it was somebody he worked with and the truth was that as much as he did his best not to be the jealous type, he was. He had beaten up way too many of Ian’s boyfriends and fuck buddies in the past for that fact to be deniable whatsoever.

 

Ian put his index finger in the air, signalling for Mickey to hold on as he finished brushing his teeth, washing his mouth out with some water. Then he turned around, wasting no time as he reached forwards, grabbing a hold of Mickey’s black v neck, tugging him close to him, laying an arm around his neck, their foreheads leaning against each other.

 

“You don’t gotta do all this, just answer the fucking question” Mickey grumbled, but Ian ignored his protest, knowing that Mickey really wanted all the confirmation he could possibly get.

 

“Yeah, I see him around” Ian finally answered his partner. “But you’re the love of my life, Mick. You have nothing to worry about” Mickey swallowed, absolutely hating the dark, green jealous part of himself. It was there, though. So he might as well make it settle down. He nibbled at his bottom lip, his gaze falling down to the collar of Ian’s shirt, focusing on the buttons as a way to distract himself.

 

“He ever hit on you?”

 

“Not in a long time, no. He saw us get back together, remember?” Ian did his best to soothe Mickey’s worries.

 

If he was honest, maybe some guys would be annoyed with their partner being jealous, but Ian had always kind of liked it. Maybe because Mickey had never blown things out of proportion, whenever he was jealous, it was usually a guy who had had his eye on Ian in the past. So in a way, it was always justified.

 

Mickey had also always done his best to hide his feelings for Ian - at least in the early stages of their relationship. So seeing him be jealous, it was… honestly just cute to Ian. And hot. It was hot too.

 

“And even if he did…” Ian continued, making Mickey pull his gaze back up to his face, their eyes connecting. “It wouldn’t matter” He shrugged, lips pulled into a warm smile, eyes for nobody but Mickey. “You know that, right?”

 

Mickey blinked up at him, his hands curling into the soft, thin fabric of Ian’s shirt as he moved his head slowly up and down a couple of times, letting Ian know that he did know.

 

And it wasn’t as if he believed that Ian would cheat on him again - not after everything that they had been through together, both lately and when they were younger. He just… he didn’t like somebody else thinking that they could have his man. Ian was his.

 

“I don’t like someone else thinking that they can have you” Mickey mumbled, somehow looking up at Ian under fringe though he didn’t have any. Ian snorted at how adorable he looked, his head tilting slightly to the side as he nodded.

 

“I’m yours, Mick. Always will be”

 

“Mine” Mickey repeated with a small smirk covering his lips as he fisted the fabric of Ian’s shirt a little bit tighter, stretching his neck and back to look up at him.

 

“Yours” Ian nodded, and Mickey got up on his toes, pressing their lips together for a second. “Even in our old age” Ian then whispered against his lips, fighting the urge to laugh at his own joke.

 

“We’re not fucking old” Mickey slapped his chest, and Ian shrugged as he looked down at his partner.

 

“I don’t know. In two months, you’re gonna be forty” Ian whispered the last word dramatically, quite obviously mocking Mickey, making the air a little bit lighter.

 

“Fuck. You” Mickey said, teeth digging into his tongue to keep himself from grinning. The truth was that growing old didn't scare him at all, especially not now. He had raised three amazing kids, he had Ian, he was completely okay with it. Even though 'old' would actually be a very long time from now. 

 

“Yeah” Ian nodded. “You’ve always been an old man, not like much will change”

 

With that, any jealousy or insecurities were washed out of the room, being replaced by more teasing, laughing and chuckling as they got ready, not giving much of a fuck that they were so much more than a little late to work that morning.

 

At that point in their lives, they were more in love with each other than they ever had been in the past, and it would have to take something really tragic to tear them down from that high.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize that this is a whole 5k chapter, all taking place in one room. But you know... apparently I've been really into writing smut lately and I kind of doubt any of you are gonna bash me for it lmao


	31. Your Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you um…” Brian started softly, eyes up in the blue, cloudy sky, somehow blinded by the beautiful view. “Do you remember that song mom used to sing to us?” Briana hummed.
> 
> “La vie en rose? Yeah”

A week after Ian had moved in, the entire Milkovich-Gallagher family was back to their usual routine. The truth was that Ian had probably been more terrified about taking that step than he had even let himself believe. Not because he didn’t love Mickey or because he was scared that they wouldn’t work out, but because of Brian and Briana.

 

He loved those kids, he truly did. Maybe it was because they were a part of Mickey, or maybe it was because they were just great people - he guessed that it was both.

 

However, he could remember even decades later or uncomfortable he and his siblings had always been whenever their parents had brought someone home or made a big change in their lives, so he was afraid that the twins would somehow end up feeling uncomfortable no matter how much Briana had shaken her head when he had brought it up.

 

Granted, Mickey was as far away from Frank and Monica as you could possibly come. He was one of the most amazing parents Ian had ever seen, and that opinion wasn't just his because he loved Mickey, it was the truth. The man truly did everything for his kids.

 

And Ian also knew that Ian - a man that the twins knew and loved - moving into their big house was a huge difference from Frank or Monica renting out one of their bedrooms to a lone shark or something.

 

Taking all of that into consideration, Ian couldn’t quite make sense of his fears even on his own, they had just been there one day, and it had been tough to shake them off since the last thing he wanted to do was somehow uproot the twins life, especially after everything Briana had already been through.

 

Anyway, the point was that Ian had apparently made it a much bigger deal than it needed to be. Him living with Mickey actually didn’t seem to change too much around them, other than the fact that knowing he was made Mickey and him somehow even more in love with each other - however that was possible.

 

  
Ian’s gaze was focused on Mickey’s sleeping face, his teeth digging into his bottom lip to keep himself from grinning. His partner was too fucking adorable. He knew that they had to be in some kind of new honeymoon stage since they had just moved in together again, and that that stage probably wasn’t going to last for too long. However, that didn’t mean that he couldn’t ride the wave while they were on it.

 

He pressed a soft kiss to Mickey’s collar bone, keeping his mouth pressed to the skin for a moment, enjoying the cool but still somehow warm feeling under his lips. His hand was resting softly on Mickey’s hip, tugging him closer but making sure to be gentle since he wanted to have this moment, he didn’t want to wake him up just yet.

 

Ian pressed another loving kiss to Mickey’s chin, and then another one to his cheek, slowly moving upwards until his mouth was resting safely on his forehead, the smooth skin wrinkling up into a frown as Mickey started to join the land of the living again.

 

The frown didn’t last more than a few seconds, his forehead straightening out again as Mickey realized what was happening. Without opening his eyes he wrapped his arm around Ian’s upper body, his flat palm resting on his shoulder blade as Ian got the memo, moving his face down a little bit to meet his boyfriend in a soft, perfect kiss.

 

Mickey’s bottom lip easily slipped in between Ian’s, and his eyes remained closed as he enjoyed the feeling, his right arm joining his left one around his partner’s body as the kiss deepened ever so slightly, their experienced tongues sliding softly over each other’s.

 

The light stubble on Ian’s face scratched against Mickey’s, and he had to admit that he had surely missed that feeling during the short period of time after Ian had shaved. Not to mention how fucking hot the small, red hair looked, spread out over his jawline.

 

Ian let his flat palm drag back and forth over Mickey’s naked upper body, soaking in the feeling of his taught, hot, perfect skin under his hand. Finally, they pulled apart a little bit, their arms staying around each other as their eyes blinked open, connecting for the first time that morning.

 

“I love you so much” Ian sighed, hoping that the words would somehow be able to convey the painful, heart throbbing, chest bursting love that he had for this man.

 

  
“There any special reason you wanted to drive me to work? Today of all days?” Ian asked teasingly as he and Mickey both got out of Mickey’s car, both of them walking forwards a little bit, meeting each other by the hood. Mickey shrugged, his lips pulling into somewhat of a smirk - so little that Ian probably wouldn’t even have caught it, hadn’t he known his boyfriend as deeply as he actually did.

 

“I had the time for once” Mickey shrugged, reaching forwards to tug at Ian’s olive green henley shirt, at the same time as he took a step closer to him, making their chests all but collide.

 

Ian raised his eye brows, looking down at his possessive boyfriend. He knew exactly why Mickey wanted to drive him to work, but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t tease him about it. Besides, it kind of amused him. He wrapped an arm around Mickey’s shoulders to bring them even a little bit closer as the shorter man let go of his shirt in favor of closing his arms all the way around his body instead, his chin almost resting on Ian’s chest as he looked up at him.

 

“I love it when you’re jealous” Ian spoke, looking deep into Mickey’s blue orbs, eyes for nothing and nobody else.

 

“Yeah?” Mickey asked, not even attempting to deny it. There was just no fucking point. He was jealous and possessive as fuck and Ian was his. Only his. Ian’s fingertips feathered through the black hair, and Mickey’s eyes flickered in between his eyes to his lips, swallowing in anticipation.

 

No matter how long they were together, the mere thought of having his lips on Ian’s would never ever cease to make him stomach all fizzy. Ever since that night at the dugouts that he remembered so fucking well. He had wanted to kiss Ian so badly, but he hadn’t had the balls, so instead they had shotgunned a bear. A part of his stomach had fluttered then too, knowing that his saliva was in contact with Ian’s.

 

It seemed so long ago - another life, even - and now when they kissed and kissed almost every single day until their lips were completely raw, somehow it seemed so strange. That it for Mickey had been such a scary concept to fathom.

 

However, he still kind of liked to think about it. He liked to remember how far they had come, not just as a couple but as individuals. Today they were a fully functioning adult couple with legal jobs, living in the fucking suburbs. That was so much more than Mickey ever would have even had the balls to dream of.

 

“I see him” Ian ripped Mickey out of his hazy brain, their eyes still locked on each other’s. He slid his arm a little bit further around Mickey’s neck, forcing him to take a step closer even though it was all but impossible for them to be any more pressed together than they already were. A smirk hinted on his lips as he spoke the next sentence. “You gonna kiss me goodbye or not?”

 

Mickey let out a happy chuckle, eyes lighting up a little bit as he tightened his grip around his partner’s torso, stretching his neck upwards, meeting him in a soft, perfect kiss that was sure to make anybody jealous.

 

  
About seven hours later, Ian was finally heading towards the parking lot wanting nothing more than to head home to Mickey and the kids and have dinner with them. His entire body, along with his mind and possibly his soul was aching in the worst way after the day he had had today.

 

As much as he liked kids - in a completely non-creepy way - coaching them had never been his favorite thing to do.

 

“Ian!” Ian sighed deeply as the voice, his eyes falling closed in annoyance as he stopped walking. He absolutely didn’t have a problem with Justin - he was a good guy, it wasn’t his fault that Ian had to go and fall so deeply in love with his man at only sixteen years old.

 

However, right now he did have a problem with anybody who kept him from his car and therefor kept him from his family. He was truly and completely, by the definition of the word, exhausted.

 

“Yeah?” Ian finally wiped on a kind smile as he turned around to face the guy.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry?” Justin said once he noticed that Ian wasn’t quite as cheery as he was trying to make himself seem. “Am I bothering you? Are you late for someplace?”

 

“No” Ian shook his head, cursing his headache for picking this exact second to show up. “No, I’m just tired” He answered, sounding as polite as he possibly could as he gestured to the empty parking lot behind him. “Mickey’s picking me up, we’re just gonna go home. Try to figure out what to make the kids for dinner”

 

Ian wasn’t even giving a fuck if he was laying the whole ‘suburban life’ thing on a little thick, the truth was that not one single thing to come out of his mouth had been a lie. Besides, he knew that Mickey would just grin at how completely and utterly clear he was making it that he was taken. Forever.

 

“Kids?” Justin’s eyebrows climbed almost all the way up to his hairline, obviously taken aback by how easily the words had tumbled from Ian’s lips. Ian just nodded.

 

As much as he liked Justin as a person, he would never be able to apologize to anybody for having this life with Mickey or telling people about it. At this point, he was happier than he had ever been before, and that was huge. He had Mickey, he had the kids, he had the house, he had everything. He didn’t give a fuck that he hadn’t painted the white picket fence or that the kids twins weren’t technically his children. His life was perfect anyway, he was allowed to gloat. Just a little bit.

 

“Oh, well…” Justin continued once he had recovered from his seemingly chocked state. “I just wanted to say congratulations. You seem really happy with him” Ian fought a frown at the odd statement as Justin continued. “I also wanted to say that he has nothing to worry about - in case he was”

 

The redhead’s lips parted as he readied himself to say something back. However, right then, Mickey pulled into the parking lot. Ian looked to the vehicle for a second, and then he turned back to Justin.

 

“I’ll tell him, thanks” He nodded, forcing the smile to stay on his lips. He knew that if he waited too long, Mickey would surely come out of the car and walk up to them - something Ian would really rather avoid. It could get ugly, no matter how cute Ian found his jealousy when they were alone.

 

“The fuck’s he want?” Mickey asked his boyfriend as soon as Ian got into the passenger seat, his head turned to face the redhead, big blue eyes filled with some emotion that Ian couldn’t quite decipher.

 

Ian didn’t say anything at first, instead he reached over to his partner, placing a hand on the side of his neck, bringing him in for a deep, searing kiss, craving the touch after such a long day without it. Mickey hummed into it, momentarily pushing anything out of his brain as he fisted Ian’s shirt, tugging him even closer, every single inch of his body tingling.

 

“Seriously” He spoke once they finally separated, minutes later.

 

Mickey would never ever let himself become one of those boyfriends - or partners, he kind of liked the word partner better, it sounded more stable somehow - who never let their partner talk to somebody else just because they were scared that something would happen. There was a huge difference between being jealous and being controlling and abusive - even Mickey could recognize that fact.

 

However, that didn’t mean that he had to like it whenever Ian talked to that guy, he had been interested in Ian at some point, there was no denying that. Otherwise he would never have asked him out. So Mickey figured that maybe he was at least allowed to ask.

 

Ian just shrugged.

 

“He just said that he could tell I was happy. That you had nothing to worry about”

 

“Seriously?” Mickey frowned when Ian nodded, a soft humming noise escaping out through his nose as he kept his hand on the side of his partner’s neck, his finger tips slipping through the black hair. “Well what did you say back?”

 

“That I’d tell you” Ian shrugged. “And that we had to get home to the kids” He added with a smirk then, and Mickey snorted loudly, his eyebrows climbing up onto his forehead.

 

“Yeah?” Ian nodded, their eyes glued to each other’s, both pairs filled with nothing but love and amazement for the other man. “I love you so much” Mickey couldn’t keep himself from chuckling right before he tugged his partner in for another deep, perfect, loving kiss.

 

Ian slid his arm all the way around his neck, gently closing his lips around Mickey’s, eyes closed, enjoying every single second of kissing his man.

 

This would never cease to amaze him. How completely and utterly in love they were, even after four years together. The fire in the base of his stomach was every bit as powerful today as it had been the day when Mickey had first kissed him in that van back when they had just been teenagers.

 

That had been the very first time that Mickey had ever initiated a kiss, the first time Ian had ever felt truly certain that the love between them wasn’t something he was imagining, that it was really there, on Mickey’s part too.

 

Mickey’s fist stayed on Ian’s chest, closing around the green fabric as the kiss deepened even further, their tongues sliding practiced and sure over each other’s, comfortable sighs and hums welling up in their throats. Ian curled his hand into a fist, some of the black hair on the back of Mickey’s neck slipping in between his fingers.

 

Finally, Ian pulled away with a heavy sigh, swallowing. Mickey’s tongue darted out to wet his own lips. He could feel the slight stubble burn start to appear on his face already, why he had always liked that feeling, he didn’t know.

 

“You want to go home?” Mickey’s voice was slightly shaky, out of breath from the heavy make-out session that had just taken place.

 

Ian kept their faces close together as he quickly let his eyes flicker over the parking lot, thankfully not seeing a single soul. His gaze drifted back to Mickey’s eyes, and he inched closer, pressing their lips together in another kiss before he eased himself backwards a little bit and dipped his head down, his hands quickly getting Mickey’s jeans undone.

 

Mickey probably should have objected, reminded Ian that he could suck his cock however much he wanted once they got home. Blowjobs in a car seemed kind of like something only teenagers who had nowhere else to do it would do.

 

However, right now he was horny as fuck, and the parking lot was completely deserted this late in the afternoon, so instead of pushing Ian up and driving home, he leaned back, pushing his hips forwards a little bit to give him better access.

 

Ian felt Mickey’s hand fall on top of his head right as he managed to get his cock out. He was already rock hard thanks to their kissing, so Ian swiped his thumb over the tip, gathering some of the precome and sliding his down to the shaft as he jerked him off with smooth, sure movements, knowing exactly how to drive him crazy.

 

Mickey’s eyebrows knitted together, his breathing becoming slightly heavier, teeth digging into his tongue while Ian sped up a little bit. All but soon enough, Ian finally replaced his hand with his mouth, his perfect, pink lips stretching around Mickey’s cock.

 

As much as Mickey loved seeing Ian suck him off, his eyes immediately fell closed at the pleasure, his head collapsing back against the headrest with a thud, his hand curling into a fist, grabbing the red hair with it, urging his partner on.

 

Ian kept a few of his fingers curled around the base of Mickey’s cock as he hollowed his cheeks, his eyes closed as he sucked him off with everything had, deepthroating on almost every third bob of his head. He wanted nothing more than to make his man feel good, to remind him that he would never ever want anybody else.

 

He hummed lowly, knowing full well how crazy the vibrations drove Mickey. Just as he had anticipated, a low groan escaped Mickey’s throat, his hips starting to lift a little bit, meeting his boyfriend’s movements.

 

Waves of pleasure coursed throughout Mickey’s body, his grip on Ian’s hair tightening as he felt himself grow closer and closer to the edge. His teeth switched from biting his tongue to digging into his bottom lip, his throat starting to dry out. How the fuck Ian managed to drive Mickey this far into oblivion with nothing but a blowjob would never cease to amaze him.

 

Small, short breaths escaped Mickey’s lips as Ian started sucking him even more eagerly, precome and saliva starting to pool at the edges of his mouth, the salty taste coating his tongue. His eyes were still closed as he hollowed his cheeks further, bobbing his head up and down, sucking his man’s cock like he was fucking born to do it.

 

“So fucking - ungh - close. Keep going” Mickey managed, voice rough, laced with pleasure and need. “Fucking - just like that. Suck my cock, just like that, baby”

 

A loud moan welled up in Ian’s throat at the slight dirty talk, and as the vibrations of it rolled straight into Mickey’s cock, he was there. Ian stilled his head, keeping his nose buried in the black pubes as Mickey tightened his grip on his hair further, eyes clenched closed, strangled groans falling out from in between his lips as he came right down his partner’s throat.

 

Mickey thrummed and throbbed and shook through the high, his head tilted back against the headrest, eyes clenched tightly shut, mouth open as dark moans and groans poured out into the air, his grip on the red hair never loosening until he finally felt himself snap out of it, his body calming down.

 

Mickey’s breathing was still heavy as Ian lifted his head, pulling off of his cock with a plop, making sure to bring any left over come or saliva with him before he carefully tucked him back into his pants, zipping them up for him.

 

Once he straightened up again, his eyes fell onto Mickey. His head was still tilted backwards, lips parted, heavy breaths falling from his mouth as he did his best to recover from his high. His face was flushed, along with his neck, and Ian couldn’t help but note how fucking hot he looked.

 

And how fucking hot it was that Ian was the only one who could really get him into that state - and vice versa, for that matter.

 

“Babe?” Ian asked gently about a minute later, since Mickey still hadn’t snapped out of his dazed state. At the sound of Ian speaking his name, though, he forced his eyes open to look into the green ones, a soft smile stretching across his mouth.

 

“Sorry. You’re fucking good at that” Ian huffed in amusement, crashing his lips to Mickey’s in a perfect, sloppy kiss. Their tongues slid over each other’s for a moment before Ian pulled away, snapping his seatbelt off, deciding that maybe it was for the best if he was the one to drive them home.

 

  
As soon as Brian entered the house, he was greeted by the smell of food cooking, something he would never be disappointed with. He ran a hand through his long hair, hanging his gymbag up on one of the hooks by the door before he toed his shoes off and walked through the hallway into the kitchen.

 

His father was sitting by the kitchen island, typing on his computer - Brian guessed that he was answering work emails or some shit. Ian was standing by the stove, shaking a frying pan a few times to make sure whatever was in it didn’t burn.

 

Brian had to admit that when Ian had first come into their lives - back into his father’s - he hadn’t quite been too sure about how it would all work out. Sure, he had never taken any particular distance to his dad’s partner, Ian was a good guy. But for the longest time, it had just been his dad, his sister and him. And occasionally Mandy and Lana, of course.

 

He had been kind of scared to have that change, even if he hadn’t admitted this concern - even to himself really. But as Ian had slowly started to become more and more of an everyday person in their lives, it had completely vanished. Now Brian was nothing but happy that his father had found someone - or maybe reconnected was more of a correct term.

 

Besides, after what Ian had done for Briana, Brian was completely unable to do anything but love him - and be thankful that his father had good taste in men - Ian was a really good stepfather, although Brian wasn’t too sure how comfortable he was with that word just yet. It sounded really strange.

 

“Hey, Brian” Ian said, and Mickey closed his laptop, pushing it to the side before he looked up at his son.

 

“Welcome home, bud” Brian waved lazily at both of them as he made his way around the kitchen island, opening the fridge to get a bottle of water. “You have any idea where Briana is? Thought she’d be home by now” Mickey asked then, and Brian just shrugged.

 

“No - actually - yeah, I do.” He quickly changed his mind, remembering something his sister had muttered about last night. “Can you um…” He swallowed. “Save us some food, I’m gonna go see if I can find her”

 

Mickey frowned at his son’s sudden change in stance, but soon shrugged it off and went back to working.

 

  
Brian rolled up the sleeves of his cobalt colored shirt as he stepped over the slight hill, looking down towards the track. Just as he had expected, there she was, his sister. He frowned as his gaze focused on her frame - tiny from where he was standing - but he could still see how much she was pushing herself.

 

The afternoon sun fell out over the grass, making the wine colored rubber circle somehow shine along with the laid out grass around it.

 

Briana was running, her feet lifting maybe a little bit higher than they technically needed to go as he pushed herself, lap after lap around the track. Her medium brown hair was almost dark with sweat from what Brian could see. Her gray tank top was clinging to her body, one of the straps starting to slip off of her right shoulder since there was nothing to keep it in place anymore.

 

It crossed Brian’s mind to just walk down there immediately and tell her to stop exhorting herself, but instead a soft sigh just escaped his lips and he sank down onto the grass at the top of the hill, folding his legs in front of him as he watched his sister keep running, keep pushing herself.

 

His heart took a stab as she stumbled over her own feet, cursing out loud before she gathered herself and kept going.

 

Brian had suspected this. He had suspected that no matter how good Briana made her family believe that she was doing, she was still hurting inside. Of fucking course she was still hurting.

 

But whenever Brian would bring it up, or try to subtly remind her that she could always talk to him, she would just wave him off. Or curse him out, doing her best to convince him that she was the exact same person that she had been before the shooting.

 

Only she wasn’t. None of them were, and how could they? People don’t just walk away from a tragedy like that without a scratch, whether it be mental or physical.

 

Brian’s tongue slid down to the bottom of his lower lip, running along the bottom row of his teeth as his eyes stayed on his sister, his brown pulled together into a frown. He wished so badly that he could help her, and the truth was that in a way, he probably was helping her. By just being there. She knew that she could always talk to Brian if she needed to. The problem was that it just wasn’t enough.

 

Finally, Brian sighed deeply and pushed himself up, walking down the hill towards the track. Briana kept moving her feet, running lap after lap, so inside of her bubble that she didn’t even notice her brother until he called her.

 

“Bri!” No reaction. “Bri!” Still no reaction. “Bri!” This time, Brian timed it so that he grabbed a hold of her shoulders as she was about to pass him, stopping her movements. That’s when he noticed that her shirt wasn’t only soaked with sweat, it was tears too. A lot of tears. They were all but pouring down her cheeks, eyes completely red. “Fuck” He cursed, bringing her in for a warm hug.

 

Briana buried her face in the crook of Brian’s neck, taking breaths as deep as she could possibly manage - which wasn’t very. She was too out of breath, too heartbroken. As she had been running around the track for probably the better part of an hour, all that she had been able to focus on was the pain.

 

The thought that what happened would always stick with her, it would always be a part of her. Briana would always be the girl with one arm, or the girl who almost died in the school shooting.

 

Flashes of that horrible day had poured past her eyes, and they had been impossible to blink away no matter how much she had tried.

 

The truth was that every single day she told herself that she was fine. She told her brother she was fine. She told her father she was fine. She told her stepfather she was fine. She told her aunt she was fine. She told Lana she was fine. And in the end, it all became such a well practiced song that she was beginning to believe her own lies. She wasn’t fine. She hadn’t been fine for a long, long time.

 

Briana finally managed to take somewhat of a deep breath, and the comforting scent of her brother filled her nose, calming her down ever so slightly as he tightened his grip on her tiny body, feeling her fist the blue fabric of his shirt on his back.

 

For a beat they just stood like that on the abandoned track, holding each other, both of them trying to get Briana to calm down. Finally, it worked enough for her to pull out of the hug, her tears slightly dried up by now.

 

Without a single word, they both walked into the middle, sitting down on the large patch of grass, staring out into nothing. Both of them were in a comfortable silence for probably the better part of ten minutes before Brian opened his mouth.

 

“I thought you weren’t doing the charity run”

 

As much as someone could be out running for fun, Brian knew his sister. She had something bigger in mind. Briana sighed deeply, shrugging as she pulled her legs up closer to her body, wrapping her arms around them.

 

“I have to, Brian. It’s just… I don’t care if you understand or whatever. But I have to do it” She sighed.

 

“Why?” Brian asked, turning his body so that he was facing her as he stayed staring straight ahead, swallowing. “Why? The run it’s - it’s long as fuck, alright? It’s in two weeks, and you’re not fit, Bri. You haven’t trained. Even if you walk all the way, it’s exhausting. You don’t even like exercise so give me one - just one - good reason why”

 

Briana swallowed, finally turning her head to connect her brown eyes with her brother’s.

 

“Because you’re telling me I can’t”

 

Brian’s eyes softened at that statement, and they were both silent for another beat before he laid back, his sister soon joining him. The air in between them lightened a little bit as she realized that he wasn’t going to try to stop her. At least not for the moment being.

 

“Do you um…” Brian started softly, eyes up in the blue, cloudy sky, somehow blinded by the beautiful view. “Do you remember that song mom used to sing to us?” Briana hummed.

 

“La vie en rose? Yeah”

 

“And then when she died, dad tried to keep singing it to us every night?” Briana chuckled at her brother’s words, the act a little bit painful because of her dry, cried out throat.

 

“Yeah”

 

“But he couldn’t, because he didn’t know any of the words” Briana nodded, and they were quiet for a moment before they sat up again, blinking for a moment to get rid of the black shapes floating before their eyes. When they made eye contact again, Brian finally made his point. “I don’t know the words to your song, Bri. I can’t tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. I’m sorry”

 

Briana took a deep breath and nodded in thanks, more thankful than ever that her brother was who he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay for early update! Also, yes, there will be 50 chapters instead of 45. I decided it would be best, otherwise I would have to rush it and I don't want to do that. I hope this doesn't bother any of you too much. 
> 
> Have an amazing day! xoxo


	32. Ready, Set

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Look, man. You’re my fucking husband. Can’t blame me for wanting you safe, alright?” Mickey sighed, pressing himself slightly closer to Ian. “Want you around for a real fucking long time”
> 
> Something about Ian’s facial expression changed, and Mickey couldn’t quite decipher what it could mean. His eyebrows raised quite a bit, his lips somehow parting but forming a smirk at the same time, eyes widening.

A small sigh escaped Mickey’s parted lips as he started waking up ever so slightly, the comforting weight of his partner curled around his body, pulling them close together. A small smile stretched across Mickey’s lips.

 

There were no thoughts inside of his head, no worries, there was just this. Ian’s body; pressed close to his own. Neither of them would ever want to be anywhere but right here.

 

Mickey knew Ian so well that he could tell - just by the way his breathing fanned his neck - that Ian was still very much fast asleep. He sighed contentedly, bringing their interlaced hands up to his mouth, pressing a soft kiss to the back of Ian’s, his lips lingering on the perfect, pale, freckly skin for a moment.

 

Then he forced himself out of Ian’s strong grip and up onto his feet, walking into the bathroom. Once he had peed and brushed his teeth, he walked back into their bedroom again, only to see his partner sitting up in bed, running a hand over his hair.

 

On a normal morning, Mickey would have smiled and walked over to him, maybe said something flirty that would end with Ian flipping him over, their bodies melting into one. That would be a normal morning. For some reason, Mickey’s body wasn’t buzzing today, his heart wasn’t bursting in the best way, thrumming with hot, passionate love for this man.

 

No, right now Mickey was just sad. As if somebody had thrown a bucket of cold water over him, the transparent liquid washing away any warm, fuzzy feelings inside of him, replacing them with dread.

 

Ian’s knees were drawn up to his chest, his arms curled around himself, empty eyes blinking slowly once in a while, each time staying closed for the better part of a second before he found the strength to open them again. Mickey knew this Ian too well, way too well.

 

Sure, back when Ian had been at his worst, he hadn’t even sat up, but that didn’t mean that Mickey couldn’t recognize the glassy look in his eyes, the way his body seemed a little bit weaker, the way his skin looked even a little bit more pale than it usually did.

 

The big, dark circles under his eyes. Ian’s entire body looked as if it had been sucked free of every little thing that made him who he was.

 

Mickey swallowed, forcing himself into taking one, big breath so deep that he felt as if he would explode. He couldn’t crack. Not now, not when Ian needed him. He knew that these days would come and go, and at least Ian had chosen to sit up. In Mickey’s mind, it could easily be a hell of a lot worse.

 

“Ian?” Mickey spoke softly.

 

The redhead was sitting in the middle of the mattress, the covers pooled around his pale naked body. The sad, green eyes were staring straight ahead at the black television screen, the silence of the room starting to make Mickey’s skin itch a little bit. He didn’t like this.

 

“Baby?” Mickey asked, his voice even softer now, as he stepped closer to the bed. As he forced his tears back, he felt as if his throat was in a knot along with his gut. This couldn’t happen. Not now. Everything was good. Way too good. Way, way too good. “Fuck” He cursed to himself, stopping a few feet away from the bed, placing his flat palms over his face, pressing the heels of them into his eyes.

 

This was fucking exactly what he had been afraid of. Mickey had let himself be happy for five fucking minutes, Ian had moved in, everything had been nothing if not fucking cloud nine with them, and he had even let himself think that maybe something terrible wouldn’t happen but here they were.

 

Granted, when they had all dealt with a school shooting and Briana losing an arm, Ian’s disorder acting up didn’t seem so bad in retrospect. But that didn't mean that it didn’t scare Mickey, and he figured he was allowed to be a little bit shaken up.

 

Finally, Mickey sighed, letting his arms drop to his side, blinking over and over again to get rid of the black blobs traveling in front of his eyes. Once he got his sight back, Ian had changed his stance ever so slightly, and was blinking back up at his partner.

 

“I’m okay, Mick” He whispered, big, green eyes attached to his partner’s.

 

Despite the fact that he obviously wasn’t himself, Mickey couldn’t help but feel as if a weight had been lifted off of his chest. He’d rather deal with a sad Ian than a full blown, unstable low one any day.

 

Not that Mickey would leave him when and if they would ever get to that point again, of course he wouldn’t. But he figured he was allowed to be a little bit relieved that this didn’t seem to be as bad as he had first thought it was.

 

“Fucking hell; you scared me, man” Mickey cursed, fighting the urge to climb up onto the bed and attach himself to his partner like an octopus. He had a feeling that maybe Ian needed some space right now, at least for a few minutes. He ran a hand over his mouth, swallowing down the lump in his throat. “You want me to get you anything? Meds? Breakfast?” The older man asked then, running a hand over his hair, waiting for Ian’s answer.

 

Ian was quiet for a beat, looking away from the blue eyes, a soft sigh escaping his lips before he finally nodded.

 

“Both” He agreed, voice slightly rough. Husky. “Thanks” Mickey nodded at that, turning around, his gaze sweeping over the floor before finally landing on the boxers that one of them had surely torn off of their body in a hurry last night. Neither of them were too sure who’s clothes were who’s at this point in their relationship, and Mickey had to admit… it was a pretty nice point to be at.

 

He quickly put them on before he walked into the bathroom, sliding a small part of the mirror to the right to reveal the hidden cabinet, his eyes searching for a couple of seconds before he found the pill bottles, taking them into his hand and then closing the bathroom cabinet back up, walking into the bedroom again.

 

Mickey found a half empty bottle of water on his nightstand that he had probably brought up with him some time during the past couple of days, then he handed all of the bottles to his partner who gratefully accepted, wrapping his large hands around the items.

 

Mickey stayed still, a few feet away from the bed as he watched Ian swallow down the necessary pills and then put the small, orange bottles to the side along with the large, plastic one. For a second, his gaze was focused ahead of him on the sheets, but then he lifted his head, green eyes falling on worried blue ones.

 

“I’m sorry” Ian swallowed. “I’m okay. I’m just… Sometimes I can feel it even if the meds are working, you know?” Mickey nodded, doing his best to let go of the worry knotting his stomach up. “I’m okay” Ian assured him again.

 

Mickey forced himself to take a deep breath, and then he took the few steps closer to the bed, bending down, placing a soft hand on the side of his partner’s neck, burying his nose and mouth in the red hair, making what was meant to be a kiss more of a nuzzle - not that either of them minded.

 

Ian just let his eyes fall closed, enjoying the soft display of affection. Mickey stayed like that for a moment before he placed an actual kiss to the top of his boyfriends head, then he pulled away. Ian caught his hand in the process, pressing the back of it to his own mouth, his eyes still closed as he enjoyed the slight, soft, bodily heat on his lips.

 

“I love you so much” Mickey whispered, more emotion in his voice than he had originally believed that he was capable of. Ian nodded, pressing another kiss to the skin before letting go, watching Mickey walk out of the room to get the breakfast he had promised.

 

It was still early - on a saturday morning - so Mickey was all but dead on his feet as he let the bedroom door close behind him, his feet moving down towards the stairs, one of his hands running over his hair.

 

He had to admit that his heart was still punching his ribcage over and over, not quite having had the time to slow down from the fear that had ignited his body when he had seen Ian act like that.

 

Mickey was more than aware that it could have been worse - oh, so much worse - but that didn’t mean that seeing that pale look in Ian’s eyes didn’t frighten him. It reminded him of a time in their lives when things actually had been so much worse, and it was a time that he would never want to revisit under any circumstances ever.

 

It didn’t take more than ten minutes for Mickey to prepare a couple of slices of toast along with two cups of coffee, when he was done he headed back upstairs again, balancing everything and all but praying to god that he wouldn't drop it.

 

By the time he entered their bedroom again, Ian was still sitting on the bed, but on top of the covers with his boxers on, meaning that he had at least stood up at some point. That fact calmed Mickey down even a little bit further.

 

He placed their breakfast his nightstand, and Ian looked up at him.

 

Once Mickey’s hands were free, he straightened up a little bit, and their eyes connected, staying glued on each other, a completely comfortable silence filling the room for a beat. Then a small - barely visible, but there nonetheless - smile stretched across Ian’s lips and he reached his hands out, motioning for his partner to join him on the bed.

 

Mickey couldn’t help but mirror the smile as he obeyed Ian’s silent request, placing his hands in the larger ones and his knees on the bed. Once he was close enough, Ian let go of one of his hands, wrapping his arm around his waist instead, giving him a bit of a forceful tug so that he lost his balance and landed in between Ian’s open legs, back pressed against his front.

 

Mickey could immediately tell that it wasn’t anything sexual behind the act, Ian just needed him to be close, so he melted into his partners embrace, enjoying the feeling of being this close together. Ian’s deep exhale hit the back of Mickey’s neck, and he let his eyes flutter closed, relaxing against him even more.

 

Ian let go of Mickey’s hands in favor of wrapping his arms around his waist, pulling him even closer up against him, craving the feeling of having him here, with him. He knew that he was a handful - not just with the bipolar disorder, but who he was as a person, he knew that he could be a lot sometimes. He knew that he pushed too hard, wanted everything, that was even the reason why they broke up the last time.

 

The fact that Ian had managed to find someone who not only loved him, but who stuck with him, someone he loved and who loved him with every single fiber in both of their bodies, that was worth so much more than either of them would ever truly be able to express for themselves.

 

“There anything I can do?” Mickey asked softly after a beat, placing his hands on Ian’s arms, holding him back, sighing at how right this felt, how perfect Ian had always felt tightly pressed up against him. Ian hummed, tightening his grip slightly further, nuzzling Mickey’s neck, his lips grazing over the tender skin as he breathed in the perfect scent.

 

“Just be here” Ian mumbled, voice slightly muffled by Mickey’s skin. “I love you so much”

 

Sometimes Ian wished that there was something more he could say - some combination of words that were bigger than those three, because they never felt as if they were enough. How could ‘I love you’ possibly express the passionate, gut wrenching, fire breathing love that he had for this man? That he had always had for him.

 

So far, sadly, Ian hadn’t really come up with anything. But as they both eased themselves down the bed, pulling the covers on top of them, clinging onto each other so tightly that they might actually melt into one, Ian realized that there was one thing. Always. Because that was what this was, what it always had been.

 

The coffee that Mickey had made earlier was since long cold and completely forgotten.

 

  
“Are you sure about this?” Mickey sighed, reentering the bedroom a few days later, carrying a pile of new washed clothes that he threw down onto the bed next to Ian’s half packed gymbag. A semi deep exhale escaped Ian’s parted lips as he turned his body to face his partner, raising his eyebrows slightly.

 

“What? You’ve given up on talking your daughter out of it, so now you’re moving on to me?” Ian teased, and Mickey released another small sigh, fighting the strong urge to roll his eyes. He couldn’t exactly deny that.

 

When Brian had first come to him a couple of days ago, warning his father that Briana had decided to enter the charity run, all Mickey had said was no. No, she couldn’t do that. Briana wasn’t physically strong enough to run all the way down from Tampa to Miami, it just wasn’t possible.

 

Not to mention the fact that she was still mentally weak in some areas. What would happen if she changed her mind along the way? What would happen if she broke down? It would all just be… too much.

 

So of course Mickey had talked to her, tried to convince her that they could donate money or blood this year too, and then next year maybe she could go on the actual run. It would have been different to him, had his daughter already done the run once or twice, but none of them ever had before. So of fucking course Mickey didn’t want her to go - he was an overprotective father, and he had become comfortable with that fact years ago.

 

But ultimately - after literal hours of fighting and frowning - Briana had pointed out that she was eighteen years old now, and there was not a single thing that her father could do to stop her. Sadly, Mickey had realized that she was completely correct. If his daughter wanted to put her physical and mental health on the line and do this, Mickey had no say.

 

Meaning yes, he was moving on to his partner instead.

 

Mickey sighed, reaching up to brush some of the short, red strands behind Ian’s ear, his eyes wandering over his eyebrow and temple, a thoughtful look on his face. Ian was slightly surprised by the soft action, but he stayed still, blinking down at the man he loved.

 

“I don’t like you going either” He admitted surely for the third or fourth time as he let his hand drop a little bit so that he was holding Ian’s face instead, the small red hairs that he loved so much poking his palm. “I mean especially with what happened the other morning, I just - “ Mickey trailed off as Ian shushed him, the soft sound seeping out through his slightly parted lips as he reached up, wrapping his large hand around Mickey’s wrist and then stepping closer to his boyfriend.

 

Mickey’s hand slipped behind Ian’s neck as their clothed chests brushed, the redhead blinking down at him, soft, kind smile stretched across his lips.

 

“I know” He nodded, the eye contact a secured thing in between them, Mickey’s blue orbs softening somewhat. “But she asked me to” Ian said then, his right arm wrapped around his partner’s waist while his left hand was tenderly placed on the side of his neck, softly holding him in place. “And I want to” He added. “Not just for Briana, but for me. I want to do it”

 

Mickey’s tongue darted out to wet his bottom lip as he thought about the words. If there was something that Ian needed to do for himself then Mickey couldn’t stop him, and he knew that. Nor should he really want to. But on the other hand, despite the fact that Ian was surely in good enough shape physically, Mickey was still terrified that his bipolar disorder would act up again.

 

He knew that that wasn’t fair. Ian shouldn’t be held back from doing shit just because he had this thing that he couldn’t help. But that didn’t mean that Mickey had to fucking like it.

 

A loud exhale escaped Mickey’s nose as he shifted his gaze down in between them, using his free hand to thumb his bottom lip. Ian knew that that was all just Mickey for ‘Fucking fine. But I don’t like it’. And it was enough of an agreement to him right now.

 

Once Mickey lifted his head to meet Ian’s eyes again, the green pair were filled with question, and Mickey gnawed on the inside of his bottom lip right before placing both hands on the back of his neck, interlocking them, tugging Ian’s head forwards and down ever so slightly. Ian kept quiet, waiting for Mickey to say whatever was obviously going through his mind.

 

The problem was that not even Mickey was too sure about what was happening inside of him. All he knew was that he didn’t like this. He didn’t like the idea of Ian forcing himself to run home all the way from Tampa - and he hated the idea of his baby girl doing it even more.

 

Still, a part of Mickey knew that if they both felt they needed to do this, well then he wanted that for them.

 

“Look, man. You’re my fucking husband. Can’t blame me for wanting you safe, alright?” Mickey sighed, pressing himself slightly closer to Ian. “Want you around for a real fucking long time”

 

Something about Ian’s facial expression changed, and Mickey couldn’t quite decipher what it could mean. His eyebrows raised quite a bit, his lips somehow parting but forming a smirk at the same time, eyes widening.

 

“What?” Mickey asked confused, but before he could say something more, Ian surged down, capturing Mickey’s lips in between his own in a searing kiss, his cheeks almost hollowing with the force of it as he felt he was completely unable to get close enough, deep enough.

 

Mickey was slightly taken aback, not quite sure what he had said to trigger this, but he responded eagerly nonetheless, clenching his hands into fists, bringing some of the red hair with them as the kiss became even a little bit deeper, Ian sliding practiced tongue over Mickey’s, their entire bodies tingling at the perfect taste in between them.

 

A small, desperate noise rolled up into Mickey’s throat, and Ian swallowed it, tugging his love even closer to him, completely unable to get enough. His stomach was knotting up in the best possible way as their lips kept moving against each other’s, tongues colliding over and over again.

 

Mickey still couldn’t remember what exactly he had said that would make Ian go this fucking crazy for him, but he kept melting into his touch anyway, deciding not to give it too much thought. His grip tightened on Ian’s hair, wanting to tug him even closer even though it was completely impossible by now.

 

Ian pulled away, tugging roughly at Mickey’s bottom lip with his teeth before letting it plop back into place, going in for even more. A small, appreciative whine escaped out through Mickey’s lips as the sweet, perfect taste coated his tongue once again, the thrumming, vibrating feeling of the butterflies filling his entire body.

 

Finally - after probably the better part of ten minutes - they pulled their lips apart, their foreheads staying tilted together, arms wrapped around each other’s body, holding them as close and as tight as they possibly could. While they may want to go further, now was all but the time.

 

“Fuck” Mickey breathed through a chuckle which Ian soon mirrored, his eyes still closed. “The fuck was that for?”

 

Ian swallowed, not quite sure if he could vocalize the reason why he had felt like kissing Mickey like that. It would be easy enough to shake it off, say that he ‘just felt like it’ or ‘just love you’.

 

But in the end, they had both agreed to be honest with each other and while Ian knew that Mickey’s words had been nothing more than a slip of the tongue - one that he hadn’t even been aware of - he couldn’t pretend that it didn’t impact him to hear it.

 

“You called me your husband” Mickey swallowed, tearing their foreheads apart and opening his eyes, watching Ian do the same. The silent eye contact kept for a second before the brunet finally gathered up the courage to speak.

 

He could have said ‘No, I fucking didn’t’ or ‘You only hear what you want to hear, Gallagher’. In fact, had this been twenty years ago, one of those would have been Mickey’s best bet. But this wasn’t twenty years ago. This was now; and now, Mickey would be lying through his teeth, were he to claim that he hadn’t thought about it lately.

 

Because he had. Mickey had thought about hearing the question fall from Ian’s lips - or letting it fall from his own. He had thought about planning a fucking event and he had even thought about standing up at an altar with this man. But that wasn’t what he had thought about the most.

 

No; what Mickey had thought about the most was the way a gold band would look wrapped around his finger. What a matching one would look like wrapped around Ian’s, the jewelry binding them together forever. Mickey had thought about what it would sound like if Ian ever introduced him to anybody. ‘This is my husband; Mickey’.

 

On one hand, Mickey felt as if all of his was such a pre-teeny and girly thing to do, but then again, maybe it wasn’t. He knew that Ian wanted to get married someday and the more Mickey let the thought spin around and around in his brain he realized that maybe it wouldn’t be such a horrible thing after all.

 

Scary, no doubt. But that didn’t mean that Mickey didn’t want it. Someday; that was.

 

So Mickey didn’t say ‘No I fucking didn’t’ and he didn’t say ‘You only hear what you want to hear, Gallagher’. Instead, he took a deep breath, eyes deep into the green ones and he spoke the truth.

 

“I did?” Ian nodded, seemingly very nervous about his partner’s reaction. He didn’t have to be, though; because Mickey just shrugged, a soft smile stretching across his mouth as he tightened his hold on Ian, tugging them both even closer to each other, feeling Ian’s entire body somehow relax, melt into his own. “Slip. Sorry” Mickey mumbled, deciding to do nothing to deny his apparent word choice.

 

Ian swallowed, teeth nibbling at his already swollen bottom lip as his gaze ran over Mickey’s face, taking in all but every single little detail about the man that he loved. Then - once he had gathered up the courage - he made eye contact again, swallowing down the lump and fear in his throat as he finally asked the question that had been nagging at him for a while.

 

“Would you um…” He started before dipping his head, looking down at the carpet flooring in between them. “Shit” Mickey frowned, patiently waiting for his partner to finish his thought despite the fact that he did have an inkling about what was coming.

 

When Ian looked back up at Mickey, the older man could see the pure insecurity in his eyes, the slight fear. Alas, he finally asked.

 

“Would you be ready for that? I mean - not right now, this second, but… I don’t know” Mickey sighed gently, fully aware that what was coming was one of Ian Gallagher’s nervous rants. “Maybe soon? Not really soon if you don’t want that”

 

Ian’s voice sounded try, desperate as he did his best to get himself out of this situation while simultaneously wanting Mickey to understand what he meant so that he could get a straight answer.

 

“I know how you feel about marriage, Mick. And - and I know that you’re scared. I’m not proposing right now, of course, but I just want to know if you think that you would ever be ready?” Ian finished with a defeated sigh, his head dipping down for a moment before Mickey slid his hand down his jawline, lifting it up again, their eyes connecting. Calm blue ones on distressed green.

 

Mickey tilted his head slightly to the side, a soft smile on his lips as he pushed past the last bit of fear inside of him and nodded.

 

“Yeah” He assured Ian, leaning their foreheads back together, the act seemingly calming Ian down quite a bit. “I’ll be ready for that at some point, man. I promise” Although Mickey had a feeling that maybe ‘some point’ was closer than he really was ready for Ian to know.

 

  
“You have everything, right?” Mandy asked as the entire Milkovich family - along with the one Gallagher - elbowed themselves through the big crowd to find their way to the bus that was going to take the participants up to Tampa.

 

“Money, tent and clothes. We’re good” Briana said, making her voice a little bit louder than usual so that her words would reach the ears of her family members.

 

The closer they all got to the bus, the more Mickey’s stomach was starting to stir in the worst way possible. He didn’t like this, not one fucking bit. Two of the most important people in his life were going to be out, walking and running on long, lonely country roads - albeit together, but his point still stood.

 

A part of him thought that maybe he should have entered too, but he had a feeling that this was something his daughter and husband - partner, damn it. Why did he keep doing that? - needed to do alone. Besides, he had a job that he would probably end up losing if he took several days off at once, especially after how many he missed after the shootout.

 

Also, he was in even worse physical shape than Briana - sure, his body didn’t look too bad, he had to admit, but he also hadn’t trained for this like most of the people entering the run had - so there was no way in fucking hell that he would be able to make it back to Miami.

 

The lump in Mickey’s throat was ever-present as Briana went around the bus together with Brian, Mandy and Lana to leave their bags in the back. Maybe he shouldn’t be this much of a pussy, it wasn’t much more than a marathon, but Mickey couldn’t help it.

 

And after everything that they had all been though, he figured that maybe he was allowed to be a little bit shaky about letting his daughter and partner go on something like this. He’d never actually stop them of course - no matter how much he had complained in the beginning - but that didn’t mean that he had to like it.

 

Ian sighed, wrapping an arm around Mickey’s shoulders, pulling him into his chest, propping his chin up on top of his head. Years ago, Mickey surely would have pulled away, uncomfortable with public displays of affection.

 

Now, though, he wasn’t, really. Sure, it would never be his favorite thing in the world, but the people around them were way too wrapped up in their own shit to care about two guys holding each other.

 

Besides, Mickey needed this too much to give a shit. He wrapped his arms around Ian’s waist, returning the embrace, breathing in his comforting scent. His eyes fell shut for a moment as he drank in the last few moments of having Ian close to him, at least for the next few days.

 

It was so girly and so fucking pathetic - to Mickey, at least - but they hadn’t really been apart all that much since they had gotten back together. Mickey had fucking gotten used to waking up and going to bed with Ian, and if he could chose, that’s how he would end and begin every single day for the rest of his life.

 

Alas, despite the fact that he wouldn’t cry about it - he wasn’t that gone - he didn’t like the thought of spending three to four nights - depending on how fast Ian and Briana would take this - alone in that huge fucking bed without his partner.

 

They both tightened their hold on each other for a moment before letting go, Ian dropping a kiss to the black hair right as the rest of their family came up to them again. Mickey immediately wrapped brought his daughter into a hug as well. A small smile was stuck on her lips as he wrapped her arm around him right back, returning the hug, breathing in the comforting smell of her father’s jacket.

 

Once they had let go, Mickey pressed a kiss to her forehead, not giving a shit if she thought she was too old for it.

 

“Are you ready to go?” She asked her Ian, who nodded. Brian, Mandy and Lana all gave their hugs and waves, and when that was over, Mickey stepped forwards again.

 

“You two fucking take care of each other, alright?” He warned, not giving a single fuck that he sounded like a fifty five year old mother or some shit, he needed to know that they would both make it back okay.

 

This run was known to be even more exhausting than people thought. Mickey had heard horror stories about people training for weeks before and then still laying passed out from exhaustion for a day or two when they came back home.

 

“Don’t push yourself too hard, Bud. If you need to stop, call for them to pick you up. Promise me” Mickey told his daughter sternly. The fact that they always had cars on call incase somebody would get in an accident did calm Mickey down a little bit. Briana nodded, silently agreeing to just that.

 

“You” Mickey swallowed, turning to his partner, placing his hands onto his chest, toying with the collar of his jacket ever so slightly. “I’m kind of looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you. So don’t fucking do anything stupid out there”

 

Ian couldn’t help but grin, his entire body seemingly igniting at the words. Mickey gave each of them another hug, and soon enough Ian and Briana were on the bus up to Tampa.

 

“You okay?” Mandy asked as they watched the bus roll away, the crowd cheering, waving them off. His sister’s voice had a slight teasing tickle to it, and Mickey rolled his eyes, pushing her arm off of his shoulders. “Fuck off”

 

Brian snorted, and soon, all four of them were on their way home again, Mickey's chest suddenly a little bit lighter. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Yawns repeatedly* Am I done? I need to go to bed.


	33. The Wind That Blew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Storms are for the thinkers. The writers and the artists. The very special kind of person who can see the beautiful in the lightning. Hear the music in the thunder and the whispers in the rain.

Briana sat curled up in the big - albeit slightly old and overstuffed - chair in the corner of the hotel-room, legs curled up all the way to her chest, her arm wrapped around herself. Her brown eyes blinked a little slower than what was normal as she watched the darkness fall outside of the window, a slight, cooling breeze fanning her cheek from where she had cracked it open.

 

The rain was pouring down, resulting in probably one of the worst rainstorms that Florida had seen in a long time, but it didn’t do anything other than calm her down. The water was falling fast and hard - so much all at once that she could just barely see the rooftops of the houses across the street.

 

The sound filled her ears. The ticking of the raindrops falling onto the roof along with the slight thunder echoing somewhere in the distance. She swallowed, her gaze fixating on that one, small drop of water, rolling down the glass right ahead of her. The brown orbs followed it until the drop finally made it to the bottom, blending with the others down by the white wood.

 

Briana found another drop, blinking slowly, watching it move on the outside of the glass as she let her mind drift. It was starting to become darker now. The streetlights flickered on, one by one, reminding her of that fact. They seemed to be having a hard time lighting up through the storm, but finally they made it.

 

She thought that maybe the rain was starting to slow down ever so slightly, but right then and there the sounds of the storm became louder, letting her know that it was coming back even stronger. The sound of the thunder traveled a little bit closer, and if she had been the kind, maybe it would have made her jump a little bit.

 

Instead it just calmed her, and she shifted her gaze from the droplets on the window to the actual rain falling further away, her head leaning against the glass. Briana’s skin was covered in goosebumps thanks to the breeze sneaking in through the open window, and she thought that maybe she could feel a raindrop or two sneak inside, laying down on her bare leg.

 

The thunder sounded as if it was coming even closer, and it slowed her heart beat down further, filled her with a sense of calm.

 

The door of the hotel-room opened, and she straightened her back a little bit, staying seated in the chair but turning her head to acknowledge her stepfather’s presence.

 

Ian stomped a little bit, getting rid of some of the water on his shoes before he toed them off and placed them to the side, moving on to hang his jacket up.

 

Briana observed him for a bit, mind drifting in and out. If she was honest, Ian was probably one of the best people that she knew, and not just because of that day in the library. Ian seemed to make her father happy, and if anybody deserved it, Briana was well aware of the fact that Mickey did.

 

It had been rare, of course, but a couple of times growing up, her dad had brought men home to meet them, even though he had never had the balls to introduce them as his boyfriend.

 

Briana had never really liked any of them. Until Ian, of course. She truly did consider him to be her second father at this point - almost, at least. And she had never been more happy with her father’s taste in guys.

 

Once Ian was rid of whatever clothes were completely soaked - his jacket, shoes and socks - he placed the brown paper bags onto one of the beds and lifted his head, eyes focusing on Briana.

 

She looked sad, somehow. Or maybe she was just tired. Her skinny legs were tugged all the way up to her stomach, her one arm wrapped around her knees, her sweatpants rolled up to her knee, a black t shirt - that by the incredibly loose fit Ian had to assume had once belonged to Mickey - hanging off of her skinny frame.

 

“You alright, Bri?” He asked carefully, wondering whether she had changed her mind already. The girl swallowed, their eyes connecting as she nodded, a sigh escaping her nose.

 

“Yeah. I’m fine” She assured him. “Just… rain makes me think I guess” Briana added then, a somewhat sad chuckle slipping out through her dry lips. Ian frowned at the words, but nodded as she sat down on edge of the bed closest to the chair, facing her and the window while he opened the paper bag up, retrieving the two burger boxes, handing one to his stepdaughter. “Thanks” She spoke, accepting it.

 

  
They were both quiet for a second. Briana placed the box onto the window sill, opening it and picking up the upper part of the big mac, tearing off a small piece of the bread, placing it into her mouth.

 

“Something bothering you?” Ian asked after he had swallowed the first bite of his food. Briana’s gaze was fixed onto the old, beige carpet flooring as a deep sigh fell out through her nose. “You can tell me, you know”

 

“I know” Briana nodded, swallowing down another piece of her burger as she stayed quite for another bit, shifting her eyes down to the window sill, watching the water droplets pool at the bottom.

 

The sound of the storm had to if possible have only gotten louder since Ian had entered the room. There was in fact something bothering her, and she knew that if she shared it with his stepfather then it might make her feel better. But she also knew that it made her feel weak. And she hated feeling like anything other than a fucking superhero, she always had.

 

Alas…

 

“I’m not really an insecure person” She started, swallowing. “I never have been. But…” Briana turned her head away from the window again, her eyes focusing on the man on the bed. Ian was bearing a frown on his face as he waited for Briana to finish her thought.

 

He wanted to hear this. He wanted to know what was going on inside of her head so that he could understand and make her feel better. He would do anything in his power to make sure that she felt better. That made him nothing less than a parent, didn’t it?

 

Briana visibly swallowed, putting down the burger into the box again, reaching over to lay her hand onto her stump - fuck, she hated that word. Her hand covered her shoulder, and Ian frowned a little bit harder, his heart taking a stab at the heartbroken look on her face, the brown eyes focused on her hand as she looked to fight tears back.

 

“Who is gonna want me like this?” Her voice was a little bit darker than usual. Sad and cracking at a word or two as a small, light tear trailed down her cheek. Ian laid his head to the side, heart breaking at the sight. He didn’t want this. It hurt him so bad to see her like this, she didn’t deserve any of it. She never had.

 

“Bri…” He sighed gently, feeling his own eyes start to sting ever so slightly.

 

“I’m - I’m not just talking about guys, I’m talking about everyone” She added then, her fist clenching the fabric of her sweatpants. “Friends and bosses and - and just… Fuck” Briana sighed, swallowing roughly, bringing her hand up to wipe some of her tears away, her teeth digging into her tongue.

 

Ian dug his own teeth into the inside of his bottom lip, fighting back his tears at seeing Briana like this. He hated it, it hurt him almost even more than it would whenever he saw Mickey cry. The worst part was that he didn’t know how to make it all better.

 

He forced himself to take a deep breath as Briana’s tears started slowing down, the thunder helping to make that happen. About a minute later, once she had calmed down quite a bit, she started talking again, explaining further.

 

“I just…” Her voice was stronger now, only clouded by the heavy raindrops on the roof and the thunder ringing a few miles away. “I wish that I knew what I wanted. Or what was going to happen, you know? So that I could just fucking get there already”

 

Ian swallowed. He supposed that he could just take the couple of steps over to the chair and give her a hug, let her cry into his shirt and whisper that she would figure it all out eventually. However, Ian decided to go another route. He straightened his back up a little bit.

 

“Do you know how I met your dad?” Briana frowned, seeming a little bit surprised at the random segway, but shook her head. Ian wiped a small smile onto his lips, pulling his legs up onto the bed and tucking his feet under himself as he started talking. “I was driving. Really fast. I was going almost over a hundred at this tiny road, and this cop pulls me over, right? So he gets out of his car and he kind of saunters over, legs far apart, trying to look tough”

 

Briana chuckled a little bit, knowing ‘the walk’ all too well. She and her brothers had seen it a lot growing up. Whenever one of them were being picked on, or whenever one of the teachers were being unfair. It was comforting to see it. Ian smiled with her for a second before he continued.

 

“So anyway, he comes up to my car and I roll the window down. His black hair is completely styled, gelled back, big sunglasses covering his eyes. He looks at me and he goes ‘Baby, I think I’ve waited for you my entire life’ I look back and I say ‘I’m sorry, officer. I promise I got here as fast as I could’”

 

Briana laughed a little bit, her eyes falling down to the floor again, hand clutching the black fabric of her t shirt as she thought through the short story. Her eyes blinked slowly as she lifted her head back up, eyes focusing on Ian’s.

 

“That’s not the real story, is it?” Ian let out a dark chuckle, shaking his head.

 

“Of course not. Just a little joke” He spoke. They were both quiet for a beat, the sound of the storm still filling their ears. The thunder seemed to have taken off a little bit, leaving them with the chatter of the rain on the roof. “The point is, Bri…” Ian continued then. “It’s not possible for that story to be true, because that’s not how life works. You never know where you’re supposed to go or what’s going to happen. But somehow you end up in the right place anyway.”

 

There was a slight wrinkle in-between Briana’s eyebrows as she did her best to process the words. They made sense, sort of at least. Maybe it was the truth that things just happened, and that you shouldn’t think too much about where you and and why. Whether it was in fact the truth or not, for right now, Briana decided to believe it.

 

She turned her head back to the window, her gaze focusing on the pouring rain, the thunder mullering far, far away.

 

  
A deep, comfortable sigh reached Brian’s ear and he felt the sound slow his heartbeat down in the best way. His back was glued to his boyfriend’s chest, their legs entangled under the covers as the loud rain on the roof saved them from silence.

 

Cole’s left arm was wrapped around Brian’s chest, his flat hand resting right under his navel while their right hands were braided together, thumbs gently caressing each other’s skin. Brian’s eyes focused on their fingers, his light, pale skin such a contrast to the dark brown color of Cole’s hand.

 

It looked just as right as it felt, and to this day it still kind of messed with Brian’s head how he could possibly have feelings this strong for another person.

 

It shouldn’t be possible. Whenever their lips met, or whenever their eyes connected, he felt as if his heart could physically burst out of his chest. That’s how much he loved this man.

 

Cole slid his hand past Brian’s navel, placing it on his waist instead so that he could tighten his grip, pulling them closer together, burying his head in the brown, curly hair, taking a deep breath, filling his senses with the perfect smell. Brian let out a slight hum, his eyes falling closed as he enjoyed the affection, leaning back into his boyfriend’s embrace.

 

The thunder shook somewhere near by and both of the men were finally starting to regain some of their breath, their skin drying free of the sweat. Brian took a deep breath, eyes staying closed as his mind started to drift.

 

The truth was that as much as he would just like to lie here in bed with Cole and forget about everything and anything else, that was proving to be an all but impossible task.

 

His stomach had been stirring in the worst way ever since Ian and Briana had first gotten on that bus. He knew that they were both adults, fully capable of taking care of themselves, but that didn’t mean that Brian wasn’t allowed to be worried.

 

Especially after everything that had been going on in their family over the past few months. Sure, he could hold his sister, he could ask her if she was alright. But in the end, he really had no way of knowing if she truly was okay, or if she was just somehow forcing herself to be. Brian had a feeling that sometimes she didn’t even know what was the truth about that.

 

Briana had always been a trooper, a fighter. All of the Milkovich’s were, really. But as good as that was, as steady as that mentality kept her, that also meant that she had thick walls. Walls made out of fucking cement. Walls that she wasn't even aware that she put up sometimes.

 

Sure, she let her family see her cry. Sometimes she even spilled her guts, telling them what was wrong. But she also kept a ton of things to herself - things that Brian really wished she would let him help her with. Another sigh escaped his lips, and he could almost hear the frown form on his boyfriend’s face.

 

“Care to share anything going on in that beautiful head of yours?” Cole asked, voice slightly muffled since his face was still buried in Brian’s hair. His grip around him tightened a little bit further as he waited for an answer, his thumb gently moving back and forth over the pale skin stretched across the back of Brian’s hand.

 

Brian let out an appreciative hum at the kind words and the gentle voice, leaning a little bit further back into his boyfriend’s arms, wanting nothing more than to be as close as he possibly could. The storm sounded as if it picked up a little bit, the chattering on the roof above them growing louder by the second, the comforting muller of the thunder getting closer and closer.

 

His hummed lowly, turning his head ever so slightly, Cole’s lips ending up resting against his temple instead of his hair as Brian’s eyes started to drift open.

 

Brian wasn’t quite sure why some people disliked storms. The truth was that he and his sister had always enjoyed them. He decided not to go into the worry he had for his sister right now and instead share something else.

 

“Right after our mom died…” Brian begun, voice low. Husky with sleep and rough after all of the moans and groans that had escaped his throat just a few minutes earlier. “It was that year, you remember? The year where it rained almost every single day even down here?”

 

Cole hummed in acknowledgement, his head moving up and down a couple of times. Every single person on earth remembered that year. Scientists had been convinced that the world was going under. Brian blinked once or twice before he continued talking.

 

“Well, every single night Briana would cry. And I would cry…” He swallowed. “Just… asking for mom. Wondering why she wasn’t there. And dad would hold us on his lap, sit by the window. Watch the rain, listen to the thunder. Whenever there was lightning he would point and he would say that that was mom. The fast flashes of light, the cracks in the sky, it was her looking down at us just… making sure we were okay”

 

Brian sighed deeply.

 

“That nothing would ever hurt us”

 

Since then, storms had always calmed Brian down. As far as he knew, it did the same for Briana. It was… comforting. All of the different sounds, the feeling, the gloomy darkness. It never made Brian sad or depressed. Sure, it made him think a lot deeper than maybe he usually did.

 

Storms are for the thinkers. The writers and the artists. The very special kind of person who can see the beautiful in the lightning. Hear the music in the thunder and the whispers in the rain.

 

Cole let his boyfriend’s words sink in for a second, and then he tightened his hold on him, pressing a soft, perfect kiss to his temple. Brian sighed at the feeling, letting his eyes drift closed again. This night was truly nothing if not perfect.

 

  
Mandy sighed, flipping the light-switch back and forth a couple of times before she gave up, walking out of the kitchen and into her brother’s living room.

 

“You’re right. Power’s out” She grumbled, handing him one of the three beers she was carrying, giving the second one to her wife. Svetlana accepted it gratefully, and Mandy pressed a kiss to her temple as she sat down next to her on the loveseat.

 

Mickey sighed throwing his feet up onto the coffee table in front of him as he screwed the top off of his drink, taking a big gulp, hoping that it could help him calm down. The storm was going strong outside, the darkness quickly falling over Miami. This had to be one of the worst storms that Miami had seen in a long time. Possibly even Florida.

 

At first he hadn’t minded it too much, because he had assumed that it was local. But then, right before the power had cut out, they had all been watching the television - the weather channel, more specifically - and the man had informed them that this was going on all over the state. Worse in some places and better in some, of course, but it was still storming.

 

Mickey really didn't like this. He didn't like the fact that Ian and Briana were alone in a city that they didn’t know as this was going on.

 

Sure, all of the other participants were with them up in Tampa and surely they were adults who could take care of themselves - or each other - but Mickey had since long come to terms with the fact that he was overprotective. And he was fucking allowed to be after everything that they had all been forced to go through.

 

“You miss him” Mickey frowned, turning to his ex wife, raising his eyebrows in question, silently asking her to elaborate. “You miss Briana too, but there’s something about your eyes. You glow when you’re with him. He’s not here and you’re different. You miss him”

 

Mandy was still seated next to Lana, seemingly trying desperately to keep herself from grinning at the words.

 

All three of them knew how fucking true it was. It may have only been a little over twenty four hours since they had all watched Ian and Briana step onto that bus, but this was the longest that Mickey and Ian had ever spent apart since they had gotten back together, and yes, it was starting to make his skin itch a little bit.

 

If Mickey could choose, they would all be in this living room. Mandy and Lana. Him and Ian. Yevgeny and the twins.

 

That was something else that had been bothering him lately. How his son had just fallen in love and gotten engaged without telling him. Or Lana, for that matter.

 

It felt kind of… strange. Mickey didn't blame Yev for it, of course, it was his decision. But he also had to admit that it made him wonder if he had done anything wrong. If he could have been a better parent in some way or another, given Yevgeny more courage to talk to him.

 

Alas, there was nothing that could be done about it now, and besides, Mickey doubted that these thoughts were justified at all. Were he to ask Yevgeny, he would surely just start shaking his head and explain that Mickey had been the best father he could have ever asked for. Just the fact that he would, proved to Mickey that he had been.

 

The truth was that in as many areas as Mickey had failed in his life, he truly believed that parenting wasn’t one of them. Had he been the best father in the entire world? Obviously not. But he had been - and he was - the best father that he knew how to be. And in comparison to Terry, Frank or Lana’s father, he’d that say he had done pretty well.

 

Mickey blinked slowly, taking another sip of his beer as he slowly slipped back into the room, becoming aware of the rain once again. The muller of the thunder, rolling closer and closer for every time that he heard it.

 

“Mick?”

 

“Hm?” He turned his head to look at his sister. Her eyebrows were high up on her forehead as she waited form to answer her wife’s statement. “Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I miss him”

 

  
“Charlie, where are you going? There’s a storm outside!” Yevgeny spoke loudly, following his fiancé around the apartment as she quickly gathered up her things, her hair falling in front of her face while she moved as fast as she possibly could, her body seemingly not able to decide whether she should punch Yevgeny in the face or start sobbing.

 

So instead her teeth stayed locked together, body tense as she put all of her energy into rushing around, looking for her car keys.

 

“Would you just stop for a second?” He asked, desperate for her to stop and turn around. He had to fix this. Somehow he had to fix this. There had to be some kind of way for him to.

 

Yevgeny knew that he was a good person, he had always been the good guy. Much like his younger siblings, he didn’t quite look like it. He smoked, he drank, but he had never been a mean or angry person. Or someone who would hurt somebody else. Until now, apparently.

 

Because now, Yevgeny had screwed up fucking royally and he had no fucking idea how to fix it. He had started by telling Charlie, of course. He would never have been able to hide something like this from her, so it was the only thing to do. And had it been a regular day, he probably would have let her go. Let her leave the apartment, take a car and go cool off.

 

However, this wasn’t a regular day.

 

The storm outside was stronger than anything that Yevgeny had ever experienced in the past.

 

The thunder, the lightning, the wind, the rain, everything just added up into a complete, sad mess. He had never liked storms. Sure, in way, maybe they were sort of calming. Maybe the rain sounded nice and maybe the thunder gave him a way to determine how far away he was from something.

 

But they were also scary. Not in the way that a kid would think.

 

Yevgeny wasn’t afraid of the noise or the monsters that may or may not be lurking in the shadows under the rain. No, Yevgeny was afraid of storms because something about them made chills run down his spine. As if a stormy night was a perfect night for something terrible to happen.

 

When he was younger, he would always be terrified whenever his mom or dad were out driving. He would feel as if just because it was dark and rainy, they would drive off of the road. That fear got even stronger back when the twins mom had died.

 

But now as he was older - specifically tonight - a dark, sad, stormy night just seemed like the perfectly terrible night for a breakup. Which was something he just couldn't let himself accept.

 

Yevgeny was so fucking in love with Charlie and a part of that was because she was stubborn as fuck. He knew that if she walked out that door, she would never come back to him. It just wouldn’t happen.

 

She continued rushing around the apartment while Yevgeny followed her.

 

“Would you please just let me explain? You can’t go outside right now, it’s dangerous. Please!” He begged while Charlie completely ignored him, finally finding her phone and car keys, stuffing the items down into the bag she had slung over her shoulder. “Charlie, don’t walk out, you do it all the time!”

 

The girl swung the door open and turned around to look at him.

 

“If you want to have any chance of having a future as my husband, you might want to sit this one out!”

 

Then she was gone. Yevgeny jumped at the loud slam of the door, a horrible thickness filling his throat. It didn’t seem to go away no matter how much he tried to swallow it down. He and Charlie fought a lot, they always had. And they always made up in the end.

 

However, Yevgeny had a terrible feeling that this time might be different.

 

  
Deep into the night, Brian and Cole were still laying entangled under the sheets, Brian’s cheek smashed against Cole’s chest, his boyfriend’s arms tightly wrapped around him, tugging them both as close to each other as they could possibly come.

 

Neither of them were asleep, it was completely impossible. The storm was still raging, thousands of raindrops falling onto the roof every second, keeping both men awake. The truth was that Brian could probably fall asleep if he tried, but he didn’t want to miss this. This night was perfect.

 

Laying underneath the sheets with his boyfriend, bodies warm and dry - free of water, at least - feeling safe inside, all the while knowing the craziness that was going on outside. Cole’s muscular arms felt perfect wrapped around Brian’s body, making him feel safe. Loved. Happy.

 

Cole’s face was buried deep into the brown, curly hair, breathing in the scent that that made him all fucking fuzzy inside. Their entire bodies were throbbing, hearts stinging in the best possible way.

 

The rain sounded as if it grew even a little bit heavier, and for some reason, something snapped into place inside of Brian. This was the right time, the perfect moment. He swallowed roughly before he lifted his head, looking down, deep into those big, beautiful brown eyes.

 

Cole blinked up at him, one of his hands resting safely on Brian’s hip, his thumb moving up and down slightly in a gentle caress. The long haired man swallowed again, eyes flickering down to his boyfriend’s lips. Then - after probably almost a minute of pure hesitation - he just said it.

 

“I love you so much” His voice shook ever so slightly, morphing together with the rumble of the weather. Cole swallowed visibly, continuing to blink up at Brian for another second as he struggled to register the words.

 

However, a few seconds later he finally did, and his mouth broke out into a large grin. Brian mirrored the expression for a second before his boyfriend placed a hand on the back of his neck, curling into the brown hair, tugging him down for a deep, perfect, searing kiss.

 

Their tongues slipped easily over each other’s, and soon enough, Brian had climbed in between Cole’s legs and they were onto round two. Or maybe round five or seventeen, but who’s counting?

  
Briana breathed deeply, eyes up into the dark ceiling. The rain was still going strong outside, dropping onto the roof and against the window. Ian was fast asleep in the other bed, but she couldn’t seem to find any peace to even close her eyes.

 

A random quote from the addams family popped into her mind; ‘We can’t sleep. It’s so nice and gloomy’. That was exactly how she felt. Briana wasn’t sad, she wasn’t depressed. No more than usual these days, anyhow. She just really liked this kind of weather. It made her think and if she was being honest, she didn’t want to miss this.

 

Her body felt too hot, too itchy under the covers.

 

Briana finally sighed and gave up, throwing them off of her and standing up, quietly making her way over to the window, taking her seat in the chair again. She pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arm around them as her gaze focused on the world outside of the window.

 

She couldn’t see much, it was too dark. Once in a while a streetlight would flicker, giving her a view of the rain, but mostly the storm was too rough for them to stay lit.

 

There were a lot of things Briana loved about storms. The rain, the sound of the thunder. The beautiful way the lightning seemed to light the entire world up in a matter of a tenth of a second. She loved the way the world felt afterwards, how light everything seemed come the morning.

 

But what Briana liked most about storms was how they somehow made everything seem so much clearer. How most storms managed to find everybody exactly what they needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeahhh... I originally planned for this part to be like 1k, but it ended up being an entire chapter instead. Whoops. Hope you all have an amazing day/night!
> 
> <3


	34. We Will Survive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It took a while - one day, three hours and forty eight minutes, to be exact - but eventually the rain stopped. The wind stilled and the roads dried up enough for the run to actually begin.

It took a while - one day, three hours and forty eight minutes, to be exact - but eventually the rain stopped. The wind stilled and the roads dried up enough for the run to actually begin. It was a little bit later than the original plan, but nobody would have made it home alive if they had started running despite the storm, so waiting it out had been their only option.

 

All of their bags were thrown in the back of the car that would be driving ahead, and the hundred something participants were standing at the starting line. Some were in lunge positions, and some were just standing around normally like Ian and Briana were doing. They had agreed not to run too fast to begin with, that would only tire them out and make them less likely to be able to make it down to Miami.

 

“You sure about this?” Ian asked, turning to his stepdaughter. Briana swallowed, looking ahead.

 

She couldn’t see much for the crowd, but she knew what laid beyond the people. A long, skinny road. No houses close by, not much trees. Just grass on the sides as far as you could see. It was scary. Really fucking scary. But she needed to do this, she couldn’t fold, not now.

 

The sun was beaming down onto them as she turned to Ian, her ponytail moving slightly with her head while she nodded yes.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m sure” She spoke, her voice just loud enough that he man could make out the words.

 

“Alright” Ian nodded as well, taking a deep breath as he turned back, eyes ahead on jacket clad backs. The right sleeve of Briana’s sweater was tucked into itself, and she forced herself to ignore the looks she was getting. She was used to it by now. Used to adults looking, used to children pointing and asking. At first it had bothered her, but now she just tuned it out.

 

Briana inhaled, keeping it for a long time. One second. Two seconds. Three seconds. Then she exhaled. The sound was slightly loud, comforting, and the act made her entire body relax in one of the best ways. She felt calm, collected.

 

As the starting pistol was fired, she was ready.

 

  
As Mickey’s eyes slowly blinked open in the morning, he distinctly threw his arm over to the right side of the bed, reaching out for his partner, itching to pull him closer. However, he immediately groaned with the realization that Ian wasn’t at home.

 

It wasn’t as if Mickey wasn’t happy that Ian had decided to go on the run with Briana, he was. And he was also happy that Briana had had the guts to go do something for herself, that would make her feel good - whether Mickey understood or not.

 

But damn it, despite all of that, he missed them. In this second he especially missed Ian. Ever since they had gotten back together in the beginning of this year, he couldn’t remember them ever spending a night apart. Now there had been two in a row - there would probably be at least one or two more before he was back home again. Fuck.

 

Mickey was whipped as fuck and he didn’t even have the energy to care. He was in love. So he figured he was allowed. Somehow.

 

He knitted his eyebrows together, arms slipping underneath Ian’s pillow as he let his eyes drift closed again, the warmth of the bed making for a shit substitute when what he really wanted was his partner. Almost as if the universe was listening, he was ripped out of his half sleep by his phone vibrating on the nightstand.

 

Mickey thought about ignoring it and going back to sleep, but ultimately he recognized Ian’s tone and he was way too mushy to leave it alone. His hand reached out, gripping the device before he flipped onto his back, frowning at the brightness of the screen in the dark room - thank fucking god he had remembered to close the blinds last night, he forgot it way too often.

 

As it turned out, the tone had simply been to remind him of the fact that he had received a voicemail almost an hour ago. He sighed, running a hand over his face as he pressed the button to listen, craving the sound of Ian’s voice, no matter how fucking cheesy that sounded.

 

_“Morning, Mick. You’re probably still asleep but I just wanted to tell you that we’re about to leave the hotel right now, and I’m not sure how much reception we’re gonna have. But um… I love you, alright babe? I love you so much. See you when we get home”_

 

Mickey’s lips tugged upwards into a smile, the butterflies in his stomach growing all the stronger with every single sweet word. He tugged the phone away from his ear, pressing the repeat button before placing it back.

 

_“I love you, alright babe? I love you so much”_

 

After the second time of listening to the message, Mickey pulled the device away from his ear, locking it, letting it land on the mattress beside him. His eyes drifted closed, body relaxed as his stomach continued its tumbling.

 

He didn’t give a fuck if it sounded cliché, he was so fucking in love with that man and no matter how much he tried to make sense of it, or try to somehow explain it - fuck, even to himself - he couldn’t. Maybe that was part of the magic. Maybe the fact that it was completely ineffable was what made it… love.

 

  
Yevgeny’s breathing was heavy. Steady. His eyes were closed as he slipped in and out of what could be called sleep, but his brain was spinning too fast for the term to be quite accurate. His elbow was on the armrest of the couch that he and Charlie had once bought together, his palm against his temple, fingers slipped into the strands of the bleach blonde hair.

 

His lips were dry - chapped more like it - and his entire body felt just as heavy as his heart. He was pretty sure that he had consumed some alcohol last night, he couldn’t quite remember everything. Maybe it was for the best. He was pretty sure that the screaming was over, but the worst was most likely yet to come.

 

Whenever - and if ever - Charlie came through that door, Yevgeny had known her long enough - and sadly well enough - to understand that she wouldn’t be angry anymore. She would be that other kind of upset, the one that Yevgeny had never felt quite certain how to handle.

 

Whenever Charlie shrugged, lips pulled into a line, sad look in her eyes, that’s when he knew that he had really fucking screwed up. Because that’s what she did whenever she felt lost. So heartbroken that she didn’t know what to do other than to say goodbye, no energy left in her body to scream and seeing no point to gathering it up.

 

Yevgeny knew all of this, not because he had been on the receiving end of the look too many times in the past - thank fucking god - but because he did the same thing. And maybe that was why they did not in fact seem to work out too well together. Maybe they were just… too similar.

 

Yevgeny hadn’t been home for all that long after the shooting, but it had been long enough that he had been able to appreciate the love and connection that Ian and his father had. Maybe it was strange to compare his own love life to his father’s, but they had the most amazing story that Yevgeny knew of.

 

They had found their way back to each other, not after one year or five, but after twenty fucking years. And from what Yevgeny understood, they were just as in love now as they had been back then, if not even deeper.

 

And that’s what he wanted.

 

Yevgeny had thought that he and Charlie had something like that, something that epic and huge and ineffable. But while he did love her - more than anything - he had a feeling that it wasn’t enough. They weren’t enough.

 

If they had been, he would never have been physically able to do what he had done, to hurt her in that terrible way. As much as Yevgeny hated himself for it, he had to see it for what it was. He regretted it, of course he did. And if Charlie came through that door, saying that she would forgive him, then that would be one of the best moments of his entire life.

 

But if she didn’t… he had to be confident that… he would be okay. Somehow.

 

  
“Mick!” Mandy called as she entered the house, loudly kicking the front door closed since her hands were filled with brown paper bags and paper cups.

 

She had known her brother for almost thirty nine years by now, and if there was one thing that she had learned, it was that the best way to distract him from worrying about something - or someone - was to show up at his house - or in his room, back when they had been younger - unannounced with bags of junkfood.

 

It gave him something to complain about for a few minutes, and they also got to eat, it was really a win win. Or a win win win because as much as she had denied it for years, it made Mandy happy to be able to do something to cheer her brother up.

 

“Kitchen!” Mandy followed her brother’s call, walking the short hallway into the kitchen, throwing the food up onto the island which he was sitting by.

 

It was just barely seven thirty am, but he looked as if he was already working, eyes on his laptop screen, a huge cup of coffee beside him. Mandy scrunched her nose. The coffee smelled fucking horrible, how the hell did he manage to mess that up?

 

Mandy was also well aware of the fact that Mickey could easily have waited another hour or two before he started working, but he was doing it now, which was a sign that he was worrying about Ian and Briana even a little bit more than he had been letting on. She swallowed, tilting her head slightly to the side. She had gotten a mumbled ‘Hey’ as she had entered the kitchen, but nothing more. No insult or anything, which made her slightly suspicious.

 

“You alright, bro?” She had to ask, her eyebrows knitted together.

 

Mandy had seen her brother nervous before, of course. A ton of times. Whether it was for the kids sake, or because of Ian, or because of work. Mickey wasn’t really a nervous person, but he did tend to get a little bit shaky whenever something big in his life was coming up.

 

However, Mandy couldn’t remember ever quite seeing him like this. Of course he wasn’t shaking, he wasn’t breathing heavily, nothing like that. But was completely buried in his work when he didn’t have to be, which meant that he was avoiding thinking about something. In this case the run.

 

“What the fuck?” Mickey cursed when his sister reached forwards, pulling the computer away from him. She closed it, pushing it to the very edge of the counter next to herself so that he couldn’t reach it. “I fucking need that, give it back”

 

Mandy rolled her eyes, frowning before she snagged his cup of coffee as well, a tough, burnt smell filling her nose when she smelled it. Mickey fought the urge to curse her out as she turned around on the chair, pouring the black liquid out into the sink, dropping the cup in after.

 

“Here” She spoke, raising her eyebrows as she pushed one of the paper cups closer to her brother. “It’ll taste a lot better”

 

Mickey eyed her for a second before realizing that he didn’t really have the energy to fight with Mandy today, his brain was too cloudy.

 

Mandy lifted her own mug to her lips, swallowing down a gulp, eyes fixed onto her brother. He looked tired - exhausted even. His tattooed fingers were curled limply around the cardboard as he took sip after sip. She frowned a little bit, wondering what else she could do to make him feel better. She had never quite seen him like this before. Then again, he did have a pretty good reason to be worried.

 

“I’m worried too” Mandy admitted, thinking that it might cheer him up a little bit, or at least feel as if he could talk about it. All he did was shrug.

 

Mickey did appreciate Mandy’s obvious attempts to shoot his spirits up, but the problem was that he wasn’t quite sure how to vocalize his concerns about this.

 

The charity run wasn’t dangerous - it was physically exhausting and it was impressive if you finished it, sure, but it wasn’t dangerous. Still, after everything that had happened to their family in the past year - fuck, the past forty years, even - Mickey couldn’t help but be nervous.

 

That old fear was showing up a little bit. He was terrified that he had for once allowed himself to be happy, calm and in love and what if that meant that something would go wrong?

 

Dangerous concept or not, things could go wrong. He knew that. Things could always happen, and somehow if it did, he would feel less like a gullible idiot if he actually worried about it rather than went about his day, letting nothing touch him.

 

It was stupid, no doubt. But he couldn’t help it.

 

“They’re gonna be fine, Mickey” Mandy tried to assure him then. All Mickey could possibly do was hope to god that she was right.

 

  
Yevgeny was starting to tug himself out of his tired state about an hour or two later. His breathing was turning a little bit chopped as he grew more and more nervous that Charlie wouldn’t end up coming home after all. She always did. She always came home after a fight, whether it was to make up or to get her things.

 

But she usually came home early in the morning - since their fights usually took place late and she ended up spending the night somewhere else - now the clock was growing closer to ten and with every single tick he grew more and more anxious.

 

Yevgeny’s mouth was dry as he forced himself up off of the couch, making his way across the livingroom towards the kitchen part. His hand was curled around the neck of an empty whiskey bottle which he had finished at some point last night. It wasn’t too bad, there hadn’t been more than a few fingers left, but he could still feel the effect, the slight hangover weighing his body down.

 

Maybe it was the sadness, too. The worry that he and Charlie were truly over this time. All of it along with the hammer hitting his head over and over was turning this into one of the worst days of his entire life - and he hadn’t even been awake or on his feet for more than a few minutes. Fuck.

 

The lump inside of Yevgeny’s throat grew, and he put the bottle up onto the kitchen island, the act creating a heavy sounding tick that echoed throughout the empty apartment. Right as he was starting to give up hope, the front door opened, and Charlie walked inside.

 

Maybe Yevgeny should have said hello, or started begging for her forgiveness, but somehow, all he was capable of in that very moment was to stand there, looking at her, holding his breath.

 

  
Mandy left a little over three hours later, three hours during which she had done pretty much every single thing she could think of to try to distract both herself and Mickey from thinking about the run. Mickey wished that he had a good answer as to why he was feeling as if his partner and daughter were going skydiving or some shit. He didn’t have one.

 

The only possible explanation that he could come up with was that he loved them. So fucking much. His family was the most important thing in his life, and in a way it always had been. Sure, what he considered to be his family had expanded over the years. First with Ian, then with Yevgeny and Svetlana. Then the twins and then Ian again.  

 

  
But whether the people he called his family shifted and shook or not, he had always loved them. Mostly Mandy back when he had been younger, of course.

 

So in a way he figured that he was allowed to be worried. The truth was that he probably wouldn’t be half as anxious about this shit if she shooting hadn’t happened. A school shooting was one of the worst things that could ever happen to a family, and that was something that Mickey liked to remind himself of. No one should be able to blame him for worrying about Briana’s and Ian’s wellbeing - especially not himself.

 

Well into the afternoon, Mickey was still sitting by the kitchen island, answering work emails. He was so deep into figuring something out that he almost didn’t catch the buzz of the doorbell. His face pulled into somewhat of a frown, surprised at the unexpected visitor as he carefully folded the laptop closed, walking through the house to answer the door.

 

Mickey was more than shocked to see his son on the other side, bleach blonde hair a complete mess on top of his head, a way too large sip up hoodie hanging off of his lanky body. A wide, black strap was hanging over his right shoulder, attached to what looked like a very heavy, large gymbag.

 

“Oh, good, you’re home” Yevgeny said with a sigh, then he dipped his head, looking down towards his bag. “I think my key is somewhere at the bottom of this thing”

 

Mickey immediately stepped aside, letting his eldest son into the house, carefully closing the door behind them, eyebrows knitted together in confusion as Yevgeny let the bag drop to the hardwood floor with a heavy sounding dunce, turning towards his father.

 

“Yeah, I know” He said before Mickey had even vocalized any of his concerns. He knew his dad way too well. “I’m ahead in school already. I just… I need a week or two. Please? I miss anything, I’ll catch up” It wouldn’t matter whether Yevgeny was eleven or twenty one, Mickey would always want him to do anything that he could to do well in life, so obviously he didn’t like the fact that he was skipping school to come home unannounced.

 

However, Mickey also knew his son. All too well. And right now, the man standing before him wasn’t the confident, strong punk man in that expensive leather jacket that he had somehow been able to afford. Yevgeny was broken - maybe not sobbing on the kitchen floor with a bottle of jack broken - but broken.

 

Mickey sucked on his own tongue for a second, trying to figure out what he should do. It didn’t take too long before he cracked, nodding at his son. There was no way in hell he would ever be able to say no to one of his children when they quite obviously needed him.

 

“‘Course, bud. You’re always welcome home” Mickey’s head continued moving up and down a few times, and Yevgeny seemed to relax a little bit. “Go unpack, I’ll put some coffee on” He spoke then, understanding only by the way his shoulders were slightly hunched forwards that his son didn’t want to answer any big questions, at least not right this second.

 

“Thanks” Yevgeny said, more thankful now than ever that he had the best father he ever could have asked for.

 

  
Mickey moved quickly, getting the coffee maker ready, his thoughts spinning a little bit. As ecstatic as he was to see his son again - he probably missed him more than he would ever let himself admit - it would always weigh him down to see somebody he loved that sad. Especially one of his kids.

 

A few minutes later, Mickey and Yevgeny were sitting on opposite sides of the kitchen island. Yevgeny’s hands were tucked inside of the sleeves of his hoodie, hands curled around the ceramic mug, almost as if he was freezing or something - which was all but impossible since they were in Miami in march.

 

Mickey itched to ask him what was wrong, pull an answer out of his son so that he could devise some kind of a plan to make him happy again. But he knew that the reason Yevgeny had knocked on his door and not Svetlana’s was because Svetlana may be an amazing mother, but she always pushed him to talk. Mickey took it as a sign not to.

 

Instead he swallowed down a gulp of his coffee, waiting patiently for his son to say something. It took surely five whole minutes, but finally;

 

“I heard um… I talked to Brian. Ian and Briana really went on that charity run?” Yevgeny asked, looking up at his father. The bleach blonde curls were now pulled up into a bun on his head, and Mickey wasn’t sure if it was because he had been crying or because he usually had eyeliner on, but either way his eyes looked pale. Sad. Tired.

 

“Yeah” Mickey nodded. “Yeah, they did. They’re out there right now. Hopefully they’re doing alright” He spoke, feeling no need to push his concerns onto his son. Besides, right now his main one was getting Yevgeny to tug his shoulders back up. “You want to tell me about it?” He finally cracked. He figured that question wasn’t as bad as just straight up pushing Yev to tell him, anyway.

 

The younger man’s eyes were deep into the black sea, his hands tightening a little bit around the cup as he took a deep breath, swallowing roughly.

 

“She dumped me” Yevgeny’s voice was weak. Shaky and cracky. It was the first time that he had ever said it out loud. But it was the truth. Charlie had packed her things and walked out, leaving him. No matter how many times he had mentally admitted that fact to himself since this morning, it never ceased to make his guts churn, cheeks aching with the need to throw up. The fact that he had nobody but himself to blame didn’t make it any better.

 

“You cheated”

 

“A couple times” Yev confirmed his father’s statement before the sentence was even completed, making the older man sigh tiredly.

 

Yevgeny was nothing if not a stand up guy. He was kind, and considerate, good in school and good with words - you fucking name it. The one thing he had always had trouble with, though, was staying faithful to one person. Ever since he had been in his midteens, just starting to go on dates, he hadn’t quite had the ability to keep himself.

 

If Mickey was honest, he didn’t see this as a problem by itself. If Yevgeny quite obviously didn’t have the strength to be faithful to one person, then he didn’t have to. So this alone wasn’t that big of a deal. What was a problem, though, was the fact that Yevgeny did want to be good at it. And he tried over and over and over and he ended up hurting so many girls along the way.

 

Mickey did understand why the people his son had cheated on got upset - of fucking course he did. He also knew that Yevgeny had nothing to blame his cheating on other than his personality which in some ways could add up to him just being a complete asshole. But as much as Mickey did see his children’s flaws - he could never be one of those parents who excused every single little thing their kids did no matter how much he loved them - he could never see Yevgeny as an asshole, not even a little bit.

 

He was just weak when it came to resisting girls, and Mickey didn’t see how that was a bad thing. It was a little bit of a dick move to get himself into a committed relationship when he knew he had this weakness, though, but Mickey’s point still stood.

 

Yevgeny lifted his head, looking up at his father, swallowing again.

 

“You think she would take you back?” Mickey asked, looking back at his son. The truth was that since he had never met this girl, he really had no idea how to help Yevgeny. Had he known her at all, maybe he could have said that she was or wasn’t worth fighting for.

 

Since they had apparently been engaged, Mickey supposed that she was something special, but he couldn’t determine that just out of the blue. Needless to say he felt as if he wasn’t helping at all. Yevgeny shrugged, letting his gaze fall down into his coffee cup again.

 

“I don’t…” He started. “I don’t know, maybe if I really worked for it she would, but dad?” Yes spoke rather quickly, and with he last words he looked into Mickey’s eyes again, his dark blonde eyebrows slightly knitted together.

 

Mickey nodded, silently assuring him that he could ask whatever he wanted to.

 

“I love Charlie… I do” He begun. “But if I could cheat on her…” He trailed off for a second, lips slightly parted as he pulled his shoulders up in some kind of a shrug, struggling to find his words. “Maybe it’s not strong enough. Maybe… Maybe I could find something even stronger. I want… I want what you and Ian have. And if I am somehow, in some way okay with hurting her then… this can’t be it”

 

Mickey swallowed, tilting his head slightly to the side, eyes on his son’s as he spoke.

 

“Bud, I don’t know anything about this girl. I don’t know who she is, I don’t know how strong your feelings are for her. But me and Ian, we… with how we grew up, how we treated each other… We’re not at all who we were back then. We loved each other, just as much as we do now, but we weren’t strong. Our relationship wasn’t built on trust back then, it was made up of passion and hurting each other”

 

Yevgeny frowned a little bit, struggling to see where Mickey was going with this.

 

“My point is that it - we - got better with time. The more things we faced together, the more we loved each other. We didn’t just meet and end up where we are right now. So if you want what me and Ian have… work on it with one person. Don’t go fucking jumping from girl to girl looking for it because you’re not gonna find it if you keep doing that”

 

Yevgeny blinked back at Mickey for a second. Not for the first time, his father had said exactly what he needed to hear.

 

  
Briana kept her legs moving, step by step, the air entering her lungs burning them to pieces. Her stomach was throbbing, thighs thrumming, feet feeling way too squeezed into the sneakers. She wasn’t running that fast, but despite her entire body telling her no, she kept moving. Further and further down the long road, hearing nothing but her own heavy breaking and the slight, scratchy ‘thud thud thud’ of her shoes hitting the ground over and over again.

 

Ian was running right next to her. His body wasn’t in much better shape than Briana’s but he wasn’t focused on himself. His head was turned towards his stepdaughter, only looking ahead once in a while to make sure that they weren’t running off of the road or some shit.

 

Briana’s hair was a mess, strands falling out of the ponytail into her face as her body moved closer and closer to the finish line - at least that’s what they both had to tell themselves to keep going. That they were getting closer. It might be miles and days, but the more they ran the closer they got.

 

It had been almost ten hours since they had first crossed the starting line. A lot of the time had been spent running, some had been spent walking. And a few minutes had been spend just sitting on the side of the road, drinking water while they caught their breaths.

 

Finally, Ian couldn't watch her suffering any more, and he stopped his own feet, placing a hand on her shoulder to get her to do the same. Briana turned to him, eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

 

“That’s enough, Bri. I’m calling the car to come get us” Ian spoke, reaching behind him to fish his phone out of his pocket.

 

“Like fuck you are” Briana slapped his arm, shaking her head. Ian sighed, looking down at her.

 

“Why do you need to do this? It’s torture. If you need to feel better or prove something to yourself, why can’t we just start working out regularly? I’ll help you, just - tell me. Why this?”

 

“It’s not about feeling - “ Briana cut herself off, her tongue darting out to lick across her own bottom lip as she let her eyes wander over the field behind Ian. “About a year ago - maybe a little bit more…” She begun, settling her eyes back onto her stepfather. Her voice was breathy, shaky. “We were visiting uncle Iggy. He’s into these shows where people shoot themselves in the foot or swim with sharks, I don’t fucking know. Stupid, unnecessary shit like that”

 

Ian frowned, blinking down at Briana, not quite sure where she was going with all of this. She took another deep breath and continued.

 

“I was watching it with him because I had nothing better to do. It was this special episode with…” Breath. “People who had had cancer. I don’t know, none of them were even completely healthy yet, but they joined this show anyway, right? Just fucking ran through the jungle, jumping trees, swimming through swamps, this huge buff dude yelling at them to go faster. Be stronger”

 

Briana forced herself to take another deep breath, her lungs starting to hurt a little bit less. Ian was completely quiet, letting her talk.

 

“So I’m sitting there, right? Not a fucking care in the world, thinking ‘Jesus fucking christ. Don’t these fucking people have enough to deal with?’”

 

Briana was quiet for a beat before she shrugged, starting to explain even a little bit further.

 

“This one guy, maybe in his twenties, climbs out of the water, completely drenched in sweat and dirt, having been this fucking close…” Briana held up her thumb and forefinger, barely any space in between them. “To getting his leg bitten off by a fucking alligator…” Ian stayed completely silent, hearing her voice start to shake a little bit more. “And he’s laughing”

 

Ian’s frown became even a little bit deeper as Briana shrugged, a small, sort of sad smile stretching across her lips.

 

“Laughing” She nodded, voice somehow both a whisper and a shout at the same time. “And he says… ‘If I can survive this - I can survive anything’”

 

Neither of them said anything for a beat. Ian just kept looking at Briana, everything somehow snapping into place inside of his head. He got it. He fucking more than got it.

 

So he swallowed thickly, and then he nodded, turning so that he was facing the right way again.

 

“Come on. Let’s go”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments and kudos are more than welcome.
> 
> I wish you all the best <3


	35. Mark My Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I think that you were in love…” The woman said thoughtfully. Her voice gentle. Almost like silk or something. Ian wasn’t brave enough to look at her, but he was hanging on to every single word. “And you messed it up”

**Nineteen years ago**

 

_“Why don’t we go back to my place, huh?” The man’s whisper poured into Ian’s ear, his arm wrapped tightly around his waist as a wet tongue ran teasingly up from his collarbone. He let his eyes fall closed, wishing that he could somehow channel the man he was off his meds. The hyper, manic guy who could just leap into situations like this without thinking twice._

 

_Just for one night, he wanted to be that person again. He wanted to be someone who didn’t have a single care in the world - or at least didn’t acknowledge them._

 

_The truth was that he wasn’t doing all that well. He lied a lot. To his family, but more specifically to himself. He liked to pretend that he was happy and healthy with no regrets, and a lot of the time it worked. He went through his days, making sure he stayed too busy to remember all the things he wished he had done differently when he had had the chance. All the things he would change. All the people he wished that he would have appreciated more. Treated better._

 

_However, once in a while, something touched him in some way. Reminded him of what he had lost. What he had thrown away. Whether it was a forgotten sock under his bed that he knew didn’t belong to him, or if it was some random guy with ink across his knuckles. A raven haired girl with bruises littered across her body._

 

_No matter what kind of reminder it was, it took deep, and it hurt._

 

_Alas, it was all too late now._

 

_So here he was, on a rare night in boys-town, praying to god that he could find a way to shut his emotions off. It sounded horrible, and he was well aware of the fact that it wasn’t safe, and that it wasn’t real happiness, but for once, he just wanted to be manic again. So that he didn’t have to worry about all of the things that brought him down in the worst way. Reminded him why he was a complete piece of shit._

 

_Maybe it was some kind of self harm - wanting to be sick again - because he knew that it could very well lead to a tragedy. But right now, he didn’t care. And since he couldn’t very well snap his fingers and become manic again, he decided to pretend._

 

_Just for tonight._

 

_It was getting late by now - way too late. So the street was almost completely empty, save for himself and the man holding him close - way too close. Despite his slight mental restrain, he leaned into the older man. He wasn’t too old - mid fifties at most, Ian would assume, and he wasn’t bad looking either - but it still felt kind of wrong. Actually, make that very wrong._

 

_But maybe that’s what Ian needed right now. Maybe he needed to feel used, maybe he needed to be fucked by somebody that he wasn’t really that into. Maybe it was what he deserved. Ian needed to be hurt and abused in the way that he had hurt and abused people in the past. It was only fair._

 

_So despite the unpleasant way in which his stomach was churning, and the low voice far back in his subconscious screaming ‘No! No! I don’t want this! Let me go! Please let me go!’; he leaned further into the man’s hold, letting him slide a hand down, cupping his ass as his tongue kept toying with his earlobe in a way that made creepy, powerful chills run down Ian’s spine._

 

_A soft hum sounded in the man’s throat, and Ian felt himself being tugged even closer to him, his hand slipping up his back under his shirt. Ian’s eyes were wide open now, his cheeks starting to ache with the need to barf. He didn’t, though. He kept his body still, feeling the man slide his hand down again, into his jeans. His lips attached themselves to his jawline, and before Ian could really recognize what he was doing, he was pressing at the man’s chest, trying to get him to let him go._

 

_“No” Ian said lowly. The man only tightened his hold, squeezing Ian’s ass even harder, kneading the flesh through the thin boxers._

 

_“Come on. I’ll take care of you” Ian found himself frantically shaking his head, pushing at the man with as much force as he could, wanting nothing more than to be rid of him. He couldn’t do this. He didn’t want to do this. No matter how much he thought that he deserved feeling like this, he wasn’t stupid enough to believe that it was a good thing to do. Or the right thing to do._

 

_“No. Let me go” Ian tried again, almost punching the man’s chest by now, but his hold on the younger man did nothing but tighten, pressing him against himself as if he were a toy. The man was even stronger than he looked and despite the fact that Ian had been bulking up lately, he didn’t see an end to this where he won. “Fuck. Let me go!” He tried again, even a little bit louder, praying to god that somehow this would work out._

 

_Ian’s stomach was stirring in the absolute worst way by now, head spinning, throat snurping shut, eyes starting to well up with tears that he didn’t even know he had left in him. He thought that he had gotten rid of every single ounce back when he had found that one forgotten sock under his bed. His fists kept punching the man’s chest._

 

_“You’re gonna be fine. Relax” The man hissed, his voice completely contradicting his words. He sounded evil, powerful. Like a snake or something. It only made Ian panic even more, thrashing even more frantically. Although, he couldn’t quite thrash the way he wanted too because the man’s hold around him was way too tight for him to really be able to move at all. Tears were starting to pour down his cheeks, his head moving from side to side at a fast pace._

 

_“No” He sobbed. “No, I don’t want to! Please let me go!” Ian’s yelling seemed to do nothing but spur the man on even further. His arm was now holding Ian, pressing them so tightly together that Ian could just barely inhale and exhale in short, fast paced breaths. He thought that he could even feel the man’s mouth pull into an evil smirk against the skin of his neck._

 

_“Relax, no one’s gonna know. We’re gonna have some fun, you and I”_

 

_A year or two back, Ian probably would have liked the words. He had been a young, stupid and reckless teenager who had no idea how to keep himself safe. The thought of having some fun that nobody would ever know about - with a man that he didn’t know at all - well, it was probably something that he would have looked forwards to. A year ago, that was._

 

_But this wasn’t a year ago. This was now, and Ian wasn’t looking forwards to this. He didn’t want this, he didn’t want any of it. The tears kept rolling down his cheeks, and his stomach was tumbling around and around, making him want to throw up. Get rid of whatever had made him get himself into this situation, despite the fact that he was sober, he just wanted to be rid of it. The sadness, the guilt, everything._

 

_“No! Let me go!” Ian tried again, voice slightly louder than the last few times the words had left his mouth. The man did nothing but chuckle lowly, holding the teenager even closer to him. Ian was just about ready to give up, but then;_

 

_“Hey, what the hell?! Get off of him!” Ian was too gone, too sad and too overwhelmed to really pay attention to what happened in the next few seconds. It all went by so quickly._

 

_All he knew was that suddenly the grip around him loosened, and he fell to the ground, the tears not quite slowing down yet. Maybe he threw up, he wasn’t sure. Then he was sitting on the cold, hard ground, knees pulled up close to his body, arms wound around himself as he did his best to calm down._

 

_A small part of him was aware of his savior chasing the rapist away, throwing insult after insult after him. Maybe there was a punch thrown, Ian wasn't looking, his head was tilted downwards, eyes clenched shut as he took deep breath after deep breath, praying to god that he would get through this without a full blown panic attack. He’d rather not go through that right now._

 

_“Hey” A soft voice said. Ian stayed still for a second, taking another, extra deep breath before he cleared his throat and looked up to see who his hero was._

 

_A tiny, skinny Latina woman was looking down at him, big brown eyes full of pity. And kindness, too. She looked kind. Kinder than any other person that Ian had ever seen in his entire life. Maybe that was the reason why he accepted the small hand she was offering him, using it to pull himself up off the ground._

 

_“Are you going to be alright?” The woman asked, looking into Ian’s eyes as if she was actively searching for a real and true answer._

 

_Ian swallowed, nodding. His legs still felt a little bit weak and shaky. Unstable. His eyes were stinging a little bit with the drying tears. He was still shocked and terrified out of his mind, but yes. He was going to be alright._

 

_“Yeah” He spoke, voice sad and cracky. So weak that he just barely recognized it as his own. The woman seemed to see right through him, a small sigh escaping her lips, gaze full of nothing but concern._

 

_“Come. Let’s sit down” She nodded her head slightly to the right, starting to walk towards the old, rusty metal staircase on the edge of the building. It took him a second to decide, but finally, Ian followed, placing himself right next to her._

 

_They were both silent for a few beats, Ian finally managing to get his breathing under control. That had to have been one of the scariest experiences of his entire life - and he had had a lot of them. His throat was still a little bit tight, and whenever his mind flickered back to the events that had taken place only a minute earlier, he felt as if he was going to throw up. Puke his guts out. He felt as if he was complete and utter trash._

 

_“Thank you” Ian finally managed, gaze staring straight ahead at one of the flickering streetlights lighting up the night, making the thin layer of snow sparkle._

 

_“You’re welcome” Came the soft, kind reply almost an entire minute later. Ian swallowed, turning his head slightly to look at the woman. She couldn’t be much older than himself, he’d guess early twenties. Twenty five at most. Her long, dark hair poured over one of her shoulders, face touched up with a small amount of makeup. A white, knitted, over-sized sweater was hanging over her tiny body, the way she seemingly drowned in it almost making her look even smaller._

 

_“No” Ian said. “Really. Thank you. I don’t think I’ve ever been so terrified in my entire fucking life. I’m an idiot” He wasn’t sure what exactly was making him so brutally honest. Maybe it was the quiet, dark night. Maybe it was the big, brown eyes staring back at him. Maybe it was both, he wasn’t too sure._

 

_The woman frowned slightly, looking as if she was thinking something over. Then she asked the question that Ian had subconsciously dreaded._

 

_“Why are you an idiot? It’s not your fault. Unless you put yourself in that position on purpose or something?”_

 

_There was not a single ounce of judgement in her voice, just concern. Almost as if she was speaking to somebody that she loved. All Ian could possibly do was stare straight ahead, a lump growing inside of his throat. He wasn’t quite ready to confirm nor deny that, because he wasn't even sure himself of what was going on inside of his messy brain._

 

_“You seem sad” At her words, Ian let his eyes fall closed for a second, a small sound between a sigh and a chuckle slipping out through his nose. The woman curled her arms around herself, pulling her feet up to the step beneath the one she was sitting on so that she was a little bit more curled up. “No, I mean… really sad”_

 

_She didn’t have to clarify any more, Ian understood what she meant. He felt it too. What had happened to him tonight was such a small fraction of the sad hurricane going on inside of him. He wasn’t sure what to do, how to stop this. How to feel better. He felt as if he had tried every single trick in the book, but nothing had helped. He thought that punishing himself like this would make him feel better, but it didn’t. All that almost getting raped had done to him was make him shake and give him a headache._

 

_“I think that you were in love…” The woman said thoughtfully. Her voice gentle. Almost like silk or something. Ian wasn’t brave enough to look at her, but he was hanging on to every single word. “And you messed it up”_

 

_Ian inwardly cringed and how fucking dead on she was. On one hand, this was way too painful. He could do without reliving the worst mistakes that he had ever made. But on another, some part of him thirsted to hear this. He wasn’t sure what it was about this woman, but she seemed kind. More than kind and despite the fact that he didn’t even know her name, he valued her opinion. Her thoughts._

 

_“Since then every minute of your life has been dedicated to punishing yourself. Trying to find a way to hurt yourself as badly as you hurt them”_

 

_Ian forced himself to take a deep breath, seeing the smokey fog forming ahead of him as he exhaled. It was scary to hear it out loud, but for some reason he appreciated the words, too. Nobody had ever talked to him about this, and though her theories were somehow dead on and vague at the same time, he needed to hear this._

 

_It felt too heavy, though, to take it all in at once. So Ian swallowed, turning his body slightly more to face the woman, looking at her._

 

_“Do you you know if it’s a boy or a girl?” He asked her, not so subtly steering the conversation away from his deepest darkest feelings. He couldn’t quite take it for much longer, in fact, his eyes were starting to sting a little bit._

 

_Ian didn’t like thinking about what he had done. Who he had hurt. Yet he did it a lot. There had been a lot of sleepless nights in the past year. A lot of tears shed, a lot of screams muffled by his pillow. No matter how much time passed, Ian was quite sure that he would never not feel the stab at his hear whenever he thought of Mickey Milkovich._

 

_The woman’s mouth pulled into a small, kind smile as she looked down, placing both of her hands safely onto her stomach, a soft, happy sigh escaping her nose._

 

_“One of each” She spoke, voice soft. Then she lifted her head, her smile dropping, face turning a little bit more serious. “That was a good segway, by the way”_

 

_“Sorry” Ian whispered, gaze slipping away from her face to focus on the grey fog slipping out of his mouth with his breath._

 

_“It’s alright” The woman sighed, voice just a kind now as it had been twenty minutes ago. “I don’t know you…” She started then. “But I do know that the only thing that is ever going to make you feel better is apologizing. Forgiveness. Hurting yourself is never going to help, it’s just going to make you feel even worse”_

 

_A small sound between a sigh and a chuckle fell out through Ian’s nose, and he tugged his shoulders up in some kind of a shrug, dropping them again before he spoke back, eyes on the red bricks of the building that the stairs were attached to._

 

_“Yeah. I don’t think I’d ever get the chance to apologize. Even if I did, he wouldn’t forgive me” Ian sighed, finally admitting his biggest fear to himself._

 

_Even if he at some point would get the chance to apologize to Mickey, what were the odds that he would actually forgive him? Not that large, he would guess._

 

_“I’m not talking about him” The woman said, voice slippery. Beautiful. Almost like some kind of an angel. Ian frowned, turning to her, trying to figure out what her point was. “No matter what you did to this guy…” She spoke, placing a hand on his shoulder, using him as leverage so that she could stand up. “You’re never going to be able to move on unless you forgive yourself”_

 

_Ian was given one of the most genuine looking, kindest smiles that he had ever seen. Then she was gone._

 

  
“I have no idea who that woman was…” Ian spoke where he sat on the edge of the road, legs stretched out ahead of him, looking out over one of the many large fields that they had passed. It all looked different, yet somehow the same no matter how far they ran, but the views stayed beautiful. “Never saw her again… but she set me straight” He continued. “So to answer your question, that’s how I keep fighting. I just think back to her. Even though I only saw her once, and I never even found out her name… It helps me - to think about what she would say”

 

It was true. Maybe the fact that Ian had virtually no idea who she was, and the fact that they had met on a silent night - one of the worst ones in Ian’s entire life - made it somehow magical. That Ian had never met her after that let him entertain the thought that she was perfect. That maybe she was his guardian angel or something, because that was exactly how he saw her. Despite the fact that he was more than aware of the fact that nobody was in fact, perfect.

 

Ian turned his head to look at his stepdaughter, surprised to see a tear rolling down one of her flushed cheeks.

 

“Wait, what’s wrong?” Briana cleared her throat, lifting her shoulders as she turned her head to her right look at him.

 

“A young, tiny Latina? Pregnant with twins nineteen years ago?” Ian’s frown stayed still on his face for about or two before everything clicked inside of his head, filling him with dread.

 

“No…” He whispered, unable to push anything else past his lips. Briana swallowed, nodding.

 

“Yeah. I think you met my mother”

 

  
“Do you think they’re gonna make it?” Mandy asked, jumping upwards a little bit, attempting to look over the crowd of people pouring over the finish line. People were crying and hugging left and right. Brian frowned, placing his hand over his eyes to shield them a little bit from the afternoon sun, doing his best to look as far into the distance as possible. So far, he couldn’t see a single sign of Briana nor Ian.

 

“They’ll be fine” Yevgeny spoke, a hand on his father’s shoulder as every heart in their family was beating a little bit more powerfully than normal. Mickey swallowed, the frown seemingly etched onto his face, his hands curled into fists. He was nervous. Really fucking nervous. Terrified that something had happened out on the road. With every single person crossing the finish line he got more and more anxious, desperate to see two of the people he loved most.

 

A part of him itched to start running to meet them, but he knew that that was completely insane, so instead he stayed standing still with his family, throat tightening further and further with every second that ticked past. It took all of ten minutes and fifty participants, but finally;

 

“There they are!” Brian said, and sure enough, when Mickey squinted, looking out onto the road, there they were. Ian and Briana were both running side by side, looking as if they were pushing themselves to the absolute limit, all to make sure that they would cross the line together.

 

“Go!” Yevgeny and Mandy yelled at the same time.

 

“Come on, you can do it!” Mickey’s voice blended together with Brian’s. Soon, all five of them were cheering loudly, jumping up and down, clapping their hands together as Ian and Briana got closer and closer to the finish line.

 

When they finally crossed it, Briana all but fell into her father’s arms, completely and utterly exhausted, almost on the verge of passing out. Mickey sighed, wrapping his arms tightly around her, burying his nose in her hair, supporting her entire weight, feeling her short, exhorted breathing shake her entire body.

 

“I am so proud of you” He whispered. Ian hugged the other four people one by one, his lungs burning as he did his best to catch his breath. Nobody pushed Briana and Mickey to let go of each other until they were ready to.

 

When she finally let go of her father, Mickey pressed a kiss to her temple, and Yevgeny took his place, winding his long, tattooed arms around his little sister. Briana squeezed him tightly, staying in his hold for a second before letting go, looking up at him.

 

“What are you doing home?”

 

Mickey heard his son mumble something in response, but he soon tuned them both out, taking the two, long strides necessary before he could finally place his hands onto Ian, gripping the collar of his jacket and tugging him down for a deep, perfect kiss, marveling at how easily they both melted into it.

 

Ian wrapped an arm around his neck, his top lip slipping in between his partner’s, his stomach stirring in that special way that he had been craving for days. Mickey tugged himself even closer to Ian, deepening the kiss, not giving a fuck that his family was around for his, they weren’t focused on the couple anyway. He needed this.

 

Once they finally managed to pull away from each other, Mickey blinked up at Ian’s flushed face, amazed at how beautiful he looked, even after having completed a fucking marathon.

 

“I missed you” He stated the obvious. Ian grinned down at him, head moving up and down ever so slightly as he let the tips of his fingers slip into the black hair, his heart positively bursting with love for his man.

 

“You too, baby”

 

  
A few hours, the entire family was in bed asleep - save for Ian and Mickey who were spread out on the couch with a half eaten pizza in front of them. Ian was laying down, resting against the armrest, legs hanging over his boyfriend’s lap as Mickey lazily rubbed his feet, barely aware of the act. It just seemed like something so small and obvious to do when your partner and finished a marathon.

 

Ian blinked up at him. It was moments like these when he realized exactly why Mickey was the one. Because he stayed up eating pizza with him until way past three am. Because he rubbed his feet without thinking about it. Moments like these were also when Ian was overwhelmed with how much they had both truly grown since they had first gotten together. How far they had come.

 

And how despite the fact that some things had been easier back then, he would never go back. Not for anything.

 

“Explain to me why the fuck you thought these were important?” Mickey cocked his head to the side, eyes traveling over the lit candles that were spread out over the coffee table. Ian snorted, shrugging best as he could while laying down.

 

“I told you. I felt like it” Mickey turned his head, locking their eyes together. The candle light created beautiful shadows all over his face, the shaped mesmerizing Ian for a second. He had expected Mickey to tease him for it some more, but instead he just smiled, eyes traveling over his face.

 

“Okay” Ian swallowed, pulling his legs off of Mickey’s lap and sitting up instead, inching closer to his partner.

 

Mickey immediately leaned into the kiss, feeling the perfect, all to familiar burn in his lips. A small part of him had thought that maybe someday it would die out. This fire in between them, the power of their love. But now, he couldn’t ever imagine that happening. Fuck, if it had held on this long, it was pretty safe to say that it would be there for the rest of their lives. They pulled apart a few seconds later, silently deciding that they could wait a while before they took this further.

 

“I can’t believe you met her” Mickey whispered, eyes drifting down to the collar of Ian’s shirt, his fingers toying with it a little bit. Ian hummed.

 

He had filled Mickey in on what Briana had told him, that it had to have been the twins mother that he had run into that one time. It stung a little bit that she was gone now, of course it did. But he was happy that he got the chance to meet her, even if he hadn’t known it.

 

Ian hadn’t, though, told Mickey about how she saved him. The way he figured it, Mickey finding out that he had almost been raped would put quite a damper on their night. It would most likely only become a repeat of that time when Mickey had found out about his cancer, which wasn’t exactly what Ian had in mind.

 

“Yeah, me neither” Ian whispered, his hand against the side of Mickey’s neck, his thumb rubbing small, soft circles on his chin. Mickey swallowed, and after knowing the man for almost his entire life, he could immediately recognize the grief in his eyes. “You loved her, didn’t you?”

 

Blue eyes stayed on green, and Mickey hesitated for all of a few seconds before finally nodding his head yes, the movements slow. A low hum sounded in the base of his throat as he leaned into his partners hand.

 

“Everyone did” Mickey spoke, mind flickering back and forth between a few mental images. He could still picture Nina’s face perfectly, even after all of these years. “I like to think…” He trailed off for a second, letting his eyes drop to Ian’s neck again, mind drifting. “Sometimes I like to think that she was some kind of platonic soulmate or some shit. It was… weird. Still is, whatever we had together. Obviously I was never really attracted to her…”

 

Ian listened, hanging on to every single word that came out of Mickey’s mouth. He had never really told him much about the twins mother, or what they had been to each other. He kind of wanted to hear this.

 

“But…” Mickey continued, eyes still not quite on Ian’s. It was as if he was somewhere else, in another time. “I… I did feel something for her. I don’t know what… I know that it had to be fucked up if I felt it for Mandy or one of my brothers, so it had to have been…” He trailed off for another second. “Something more than friendship, I guess?”

 

Mickey shrugged, seemingly snapping himself out of memory lane, his eyes falling onto Ian’s again.

 

“I don’t know. I never figured it out, and I’ve never seen a reason to” Ian blinked back at him, almost completely breathless at hearing Mickey confess so much in a matter of less than a minute.

 

“So it was difficult? Losing her?”

 

“Yeah” Mickey confirmed immediately. “Yeah, of course. But it was a long time ago, man. All good now” Both of their mouths tugged up into large smiles, and as the topic of Nina was dropped, Ian’s stomach started stirring with nervousness. For the past hour or two he had almost been able to make himself forget about this. Forget about what he was supposed to do.

 

Now it was all coming back, and he forced himself to take a deep breath.

 

“Hey, you okay?” Mickey asked confused as he saw the smile being dropped off of his partner’s face, his teeth seemingly gnawing at the inside of his bottom lip. Ian nodded, and he forced himself to take another deep breath before he spoke.

 

“Mick. Promise me something” He said nervously. Mickey knitted his eyebrows together, but moved his head up and down into a yes, obviously wondering what the fuck was going on. “I’m gonna ask you something, alright? And you have to promise not to get angry - “

 

“If you need to tell me not to get angry, the fucking chances are that I’m gonna be angry” Mickey stated bitterly, stomach starting to knot up with dread. What the actual fuck was going on? He should have known that this would happen. That Ian would somehow end up screwing them up.

 

“No, just.. calm down. Please. And promise not to say anything before I’m done, alright?” Mickey swallowed, but hummed in agreement. Ian nodded, seemingly only to calm himself down a little bit. He could just barely believe that he was doing this. It seemed as if his entire life had been one long string of events, all to lead him up to this very moment.

 

It took Mickey a second to understand what the fuck his partner was doing, but then it clicked inside of his head. Ian was fucking going down on one knee.

 

The candles casted beautiful shadows over his face, a small and nervous smile stretched across his lips. Ian reached behind his back, slipping something out of his pocket. He hesitated for a short second, the eye contact glued in between them as he finally held the item out to his partner.

 

Mickey was completely and utterly mesmerized by the beautiful rings, eyes still on them as Ian started talking, voice shaking.

 

“I know…” He had to pause for a moment to collect himself, keep his tears at bay. “That I am risking another horrible breakup by doing this”

 

Ian’s stomach was stirring, and he couldn’t for the live of him determine whether it was a good feeling or a bad one. He guessed that it was both. Excitement to spend the rest of his life with this beautiful man in front of him, yet fear that the answer to his question would be anything other than a yes.

 

After almost thirty seconds of absolute silence, Ian pushed himself to continue, voice nothing but a crumbly mess, tears escaping his eyes.

 

“But baby, I love you. More than anything else…” Ian’s voice cracked, and he let his eyes fall closed for a second, his tongue darting out to wet his dry lips, tasting some of his own salty tears. The box suddenly felt so heavy in his hand. “And I don’t want you as my partner anymore. I don’t want you to be my boyfriend. I want you…” Deep breath. “To be my husband. Now - until forever”

 

Mickey finally tore his gaze away from the jewellery, looking into those deep, beautiful green eyes. Both men had tears rolling down their cheeks by now. By now, the room was so tense that you could surely slit the air with a butcher knife.

 

Ian took a deep breath, finally asking Mickey what he had wanted to ever since they were seventeen.

 

“Will you marry me?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought about this chapter. Were any of you surprised? I want to hear your thoughts and theories now more than ever I don't even know lmao
> 
> As always, I wish every single one of you an amazing day! <3


	36. Yes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You couldn’t just label Yevgeny as an asshole because he was one in one or two aspects of his life - in fact, you couldn’t label any human in the history of the world as just one thing. You would never be able to describe a person in one single word, because that one word - good or bad - will always end up erasing all of these other parts that people had inside of them. Humanity is far to complex.
> 
> This was the reason why ten minutes after Yevgeny’s question had left his mouth, Briana’s head was still spinning, doing her absolute best to come up with a valid answer. She could say yes, or she could say no - either way she would be deleting the parts of her brother that didn’t match up with whatever she chose.
> 
> Finally, though - once Yevgeny was all but convinced that she had fallen asleep and forgotten about his question - she turned her head, eyes focusing on her brother’s profile. She then whispered her answer out into the darkness;
> 
> “We’re allowed to be the occasional asshole”

“Yes” Ian’s lips parted slightly at the simple answer, eyes widening as the word registered inside of his messy, nervous brain. Mickey just looked down at him, mouth pulled into a large happy smile, eyes shining with tears.

 

Mickey was more than aware of what an ass he had been a few months back when Ian had first brought this whole marriage thing up. And while the idea still scared the shit out of him to this day, it felt like the good kind of scared. Being with Ian - being tied to Ian - for the rest of his life, bound together with rings and vows, how could that be anything other than a fairytale?

 

Mickey had been in love with Ian for well over twenty years, and the timing had never been right. Not until just now, not like this. So realistically, what the fuck was holding them back now? It had always been something. Terry, Ian’s illness, the shooting - and now there was nothing.

 

And Mickey was tired - so fucking exhausted - of fighting this. Of fighting the idea of having a life with Ian for the rest of his. They both knew that this was not a passing thing - had it been, they surely would have forgotten about each other a long fucking time ago. Instead, where were they?

 

They were in the exact same place that they had been twenty years ago. Sure, they were in another state, a bigger house. They were older, kinder, you fucking name it - but their love? It hadn’t shifted one bit, if anything it had only grown stronger with every single day that had passed since the one when they had run into each other in that damn coffee shop.

 

So what possible answer were there for Mickey to say other than;

 

“Yes?” Ian asked, voice shaking slightly. He was still nervous as fuck. Truth be told, he had been completely certain that Mickey would turn him down. Not because he didn’t love Ian, but because marriage - in his own words - brought a bad omen to his life. But Mickey wasn’t saying no - fuck, he wasn’t even saying someday - he was sitting on that couch, beautiful as ever, looking down at Ian, and he was saying;

 

“Yes” Mickey confirmed, a small chuckle following his words as he fought off a few tears; Ian had since long given up on that task, and by now, massive amounts of tears were rolling down his face, his entire body thrumming with love and happiness. Relief. He doubted that anyone else - in the history of the world - had ever been as happy as he was in this moment.

 

After twenty three years of being completely, utterly and ridiculously in love with this man, Mickey Milkovich was finally going to be his husband. Not boyfriend; not partner - husband. His heart was completely throwing itself against his ribs, and at this point he didn’t even give a fuck if it were to somehow break through, because he would die happier than he had ever been in his entire life.

 

“Yes” Ian repeated through a barely audible breath as he reached behind him, placing the rings onto the coffee table before surging up, placing his hands on the side of Mickey’s head, cradling his face as he absolutely sucked his lips in between his own, craving him more than ever before.

 

Mickey immediately responded to the kiss with just as much passion, letting his fiancé push him down onto the couch, climbing on top of him as their lips continued to work against each other’s, saliva practically going everywhere as they fought to somehow deepen the kiss, wanting even more than what was physically possible.

 

Mickey spread his legs, letting Ian lay his hips down in between them; his hands were on the back of his neck, curled into fists, bringing the red hair with them as their tongues collided over and over again. Mickey had finally given up on restraining his tears, so now they were pouring down his cheeks, blending with Ian’s as he let his mind spin; yet somehow stay blank.

 

He couldn’t fucking believe this. After all of these years of heartbreak, breakups, fucking and whatever else bullshit they had put each other through - they were engaged. Really and truly, honestly engaged. They were getting married, they were going to spend the rest of their lives together - for real. It made Mickey’s entire body buzz for giddiness and happiness, from his toes, all the way up to the very top of his scalp.

 

Three months ago, Mickey had been terrified. He hadn’t been ready to even say maybe. But now he was. He was really ready, and they were doing it. Ian Gallagher was going to be his husband. Holy shit. A small sound escaped his lips as he moved a hand to Ian’s chest, pushing him up ever so slightly, breaking their kiss.

 

They slowly let their eyes drift open; both of them terrified that if they did, they would wake up. Terrified that this was some kind of amazing dream that just wasn’t reality. But as green eyes fell onto blue, they both realized that it wasn’t. This was real. True and pure. This was really happening - they were really getting married.

 

“Probably shouldn’t fuck on the couch - got kids in the house” Mickey mumbled lowly, the fingertips of his left hand still rubbing smooth circles on the back of Ian’s neck. Ian hummed in agreement, blinking down at Mickey for another second, admiring him before he pressed another kiss to his lips, enjoying the feeling for a moment; then he lifted his head, both pairs of eyes fluttering back open.

 

“Can we just be here for a minute?” Ian asked, bringing his hand up to Mickey’s neck, thumb resting against his chin. Mickey easily leaned into the touch, heart soaring at how fucking beautiful Ian looked, laying on top of him.

 

Now it amazed him more than ever before - how despite all of the shit they had been forced to go through, both individually and as a couple, they had made it. They were here, they were together, they were in love and they were getting married. Mickey wasn’t a religious nor a spiritual person, but how could that be anything other than a fucking miracle?

 

Ian felt as if his heart had swelled up to three times its size when he had understood that Mickey was saying yes - that he was agreeing to marry him.

 

He looked so fucking beautiful, spread out under him; with his hair slightly messed up, lips surrounded by a slight tint of stubble burn. Big, blue eyes deeper than ever. There was not a single doubt in Ian’s mind that this was the love of his life - his soulmate, and even those descriptions didn’t seem to come close to describing the soulcrushing, heartbreaking, gutchurning love that he carried around for this man.

 

“Can’t believe you said yes” Ian stated truthfully, voice sounding slightly out of breath. Mickey just continued to blink up at him, stomach buzzing in the best possible way.

 

“Can’t fucking believe you thought I wouldn’t” He retorted truthfully. Ian sighed deeply - contentedly - as he dipped his head down, capturing Mickey’s lips in another kiss, this one ending up a little bit slower, softer. Just as fast as it had started, Ian broke it, ignoring Mickey’s disappointed ‘Hey’ as he sat up, blowing the candles out to make sure that they wouldn’t end up burning the entire house down.

 

Then he turned back to Mickey, grin stretched out across his face as he gripped his hips, standing up, giving Mickey no choice but to hang onto him, legs tightly wrapping around his middle as Ian carried him towards their bedroom, their happy chuckles slightly muffled by each other’s mouths.

 

  
“I love you, bro. But you are literally the dumbest idiot alive” Briana stated, leaning back against her headboard as she used her spoon to dig up some of the strawberry icecream out of the container than her brother was holding out in between them.

 

Sharing ice cream in the middle of the night while they talked about whatever deep-seeded issues they were dealing with at the time had always kind of been their thing. Brian nor Mickey had any idea that they did it, which was what made it special. It was something they had done since Briana had been fourteen and she had been dumped by… someone; she couldn’t remember anymore.

 

That night, she had cried and cried and Yevgeny had taken the icecream out of the freezer, grabbing two spoons and they had gone into his room, and they had started talking. Since then, it was just a thing they did. It was special.

 

He sighed, his head moving slightly up and down, their spoons quietly slinking together as they fought to get the bed spoonful.

 

“I know” He admitted.

 

And he did. Yevgeny was more than aware that in this particular situation with Charlie, he was nothing short of a complete asshole. Especially since he had known for a long time - years, even - that staying faithful to one person just wasn’t his cup of tea. He tried time and time again, but in the end it was just a really fucking difficult thing for him to do, and he wasn’t even sure why that was.

 

He loved Charlie, at least he thought that he did. He had stronger feelings for this girl than he had had for anybody in the past, and yet somehow, he had apparently had no trouble hurting her. It sucked. Because Yevgeny had nobody to blame but himself.

 

What his father had told him stuck with him, though. ‘Work on it with one person’. Yevgeny got it, he understood what his dad was saying but the issue was that how did he know which person to work on it with? Which person he could have that very personal brand of magic with?

 

Taking his father’s advice into consideration, Yevgeny was still wondering if Charlie was the right girl or not, especially since they had been apart for almost three days now and he didn’t even think about her that much.

 

He didn’t really miss her - not in the way that he saw his father miss Ian whenever they were apart. Maybe the problem was that Yevgeny didn’t really know what love was, how it was supposed to feel. He thought he did, but maybe he should stay off of on the whole relationship train for a while. Maybe it just wasn’t right for him, not right now.

 

“I thought you loved Charlie” Briana mumbled, turning her spoon upside down inside of her mouth to press the pink, sweet substance straight against her tongue. Yevgeny sighed, filling his spoon once again.

 

“I don’t know, Bri” He said honestly. “I’m just… really confused right now. I know I usually have these good words on my tongue, some big speech, but I…” Yevgeny trailed off, not saying anything more. The silence alone was enough for Briana to catch onto the fact that he was truly confused. Lost.

 

When she turned her head to look up at her brother, he was staring straight ahead at the black screen of her television, lips slightly parted, a strand of the slightly curly, bleach blonde hair hanging down over his forehead, the shaved sides starting to grow out just a little bit.

 

After a second she tore her eyes away from her brother, a small hum escaping her lips as she plopped her spoon back down into the container of icecream, easing down the bed so that she could lay down on her back.

 

Yevgeny did the opposite, tugging his sweatpant clad legs closer up against his body, placing a large spoonful of icecream onto his tongue as both siblings let their thoughts run wild.

 

Briana’s legs were still kind of throbbing from all of that running, and she guessed that they would be aching for about the next sixty years or so. She could honestly and truthfully say that she had never in her entire life pushed herself that hard. It had been worth it, though. So much more than worth it, because now she was so fucking proud of herself. And she was happier than she had been in a long, long time - even before the shooting.

 

“Yev…” Briana was the one to break their long streak of silent thoughts. “If you do want her back, don’t wait too long. You’re an asshole, and I wouldn’t blame her if she doesn’t forgive you” Yevgeny swallowed, dread and realization filling his gut.

 

“I wouldn’t forgive me either”

 

  
Mickey’s face was buried in the crook of Ian’s neck as they finally entered their bedroom, the taller man kicking the door closed behind them before laying Mickey down onto the covers, easily climbing on top of him.

 

Mickey placed his hands onto the back of Ian’s neck, fingers curling into the red strands as he tugged him down to meet him in a deep, perfect kiss, the action filled with every single thing that they would never quite be able to express with words.

 

Mickey assumed that their wedding night would be amazing whenever they got to it - and surely every night before it and every night after it as well - but he also doubted that anything would ever be able to beat this; tonight. Tonight was the night that they had finally decided to bite the bullet, get married. Tonight was the night that they got engaged, and Mickey wouldn’t be surprised if they would never have a night to beat it. It was perfect.

 

A small groan escaped Ian’s lips as he returned the kiss, sliding his tongue expertly over Mickey’s, his hands still resting on the smaller man’s hips, thumbs rubbing small, smooth circles onto the skin as they explored each other’s mouths.

 

Their entire bodies were thrumming - vibrating, even - with happiness and giddiness. They were doing it. They were actually fucking engaged. Neither of them spoke a single word - they didn’t have to.

 

They just leaned into each other, clothes being shed slowly but surely. They took this slow tonight, they were both very aware of the fact that that’s the way that they needed it to be.

 

They didn’t need hair pulling tonight, they didn’t need toys, they didn’t even want riding. All they needed on this particular night was this - Mickey underneath Ian, their mouths slotted together as they did everything that they possibly could to wordlessly express how much they loved each other.

 

How they would never be able to stop, not for one single second.

 

It didn’t take very long before they were completely naked under the covers, arms tightly wrapped around each other’s bodies as they continued making out, eyes closed, soft sighs escaping their lips every now and then. Mickey spread his legs, wrapping them around Ian’s torso as he slipped his hands a little bit further down his back, getting two handfuls of his perfect ass.

 

Ian let out a slight groan at the touch, rolling his hips so that their rock hard cocks slid over each other, some of the precome blending together. He pulled his head up, bringing Mickey’s bottom lip with him as he went. It plopped back into place with the most delicious sounding plop, and then he went back in for an even deeper kiss, their tongues crashing together.

 

Ian continued rocking his hips a little bit, building up the friction in between them as Mickey kept all four of his limbs securely wrapped around his fiancé, somehow it felt completely and utterly impossible to get close enough. He wanted everything, all of it. His stomach was still tumbling whenever he thought of the fact that Ian was going to be his husband.

 

Ian and Mickey were going to be husbands.

 

No matter what horrible experiences Mickey had had with marriage in the past, and no matter how completely terrified he had been at the mere thought of saying yes, he knew now that if there was one thing in the world that he was sure - completely certain - about, it was that he would give anything to call Ian Gallagher his husband. It was all he had ever wanted, ever since they had been seventeen, young and stupid. Even if he hadn’t let himself admit it until just now.

 

  
“Do you think that um…” Yevgeny spoke out into the darkness. The icecream was since long placed onto his sister’s nightstand and now they were both laying side by side on top of her covers, staring up into the seemingly black ceiling. “Do you really think I’m an asshole?”

 

If there was one thing that Yevgeny had always taken for granted it was that he was a polite person, people had always told him so. He had always been honest and truthful, yet had a way with words.

 

He had also always been good looking - hot, if you will. He never really had had those awkward teenage years. He had just been a little kid, and then suddenly, around fourteen or fifteen years old he had gone through an incredibly quick growth spurt and ended up handsome and way taller than his old man.

 

What worried him, though - and he had never quite voiced this concern until just now - was the possibility that he had always been this seemingly amazing guy. What if somewhere alone the way he had lost himself and started believing that he was better than everybody else? He certainly hadn’t ever thought such a thing consciously, but what if he had been so wrapped up in his own head that little by little he had become just that? An asshole.

 

Briana swallowed, not moving a muscle as she spun her brother’s question around in her head, searching for a possible answer. Her arm was folded, flat palm resting onto the lower part of her stomach, eyebrows knitting together slightly. While she - and probably every single other person that she considered to be her family - would agree that cheating on a girl that he claimed he loved made Yevgeny somewhat of an asshole, there were a ton of sides to her brother that made him anything but.

 

Yevgeny was kind and caring, and… sweet and considerate. The truth was that since Briana and Brian were the exact same age, they had always fought a lot - when they were kids, at least. So Yevgeny had always been the one that Briana could run to with her problems. It didn’t matter if they were five and eight or eighteen and twenty one, Yevgeny had always been there for his sister, and she knew that he always would be.

 

He was also sweet to both Mandy, his mother and his father - and now to Ian as well. Basically Yevgeny was this big softy who always cared about people and who gave great advice. The fact that he had this problem with staying faithful to girls would never be able to erase all of that.

 

You couldn’t just label Yevgeny as an asshole because he was one in one or two aspects of his life - in fact, you couldn’t label any human in the history of the world as just one thing. You would never be able to describe a person in one single word, because that one word - good or bad - will always end up erasing all of these other parts that people had inside of them. Humanity is far to complex.

 

This was the reason why ten minutes after Yevgeny’s question had left his mouth, Briana’s head was still spinning, doing her absolute best to come up with a valid answer. She could say yes, or she could say no - either way she would be deleting the parts of her brother that didn’t match up with whatever she chose.

 

Finally, though - once Yevgeny was all but convinced that she had fallen asleep and forgotten about his question - she turned her head, eyes focusing on her brother’s profile. She then whispered her answer out into the darkness;

 

“We’re allowed to be the occasional asshole”

  
Mickey was starting to feel Ian’s beautiful stubble start to irritate his face in the best way. To this day he still had no fucking idea why he liked the feeling - he never did unless it was Ian.

 

His legs were still wrapped around the taller man’s waist, and as Ian broke the kiss to reach for the lube, Mickey moved his lips to his jawline, getting to work creating a mark that would surely stay there for several days.

 

Small moans fell from Ian’s lip when Mickey ran his teeth over the area before going back to sucking on the skin, his tongue easily soothing the slight sting. Ian struggled a little bit to focus - due to Mickey rolling his hips upwards over and over again, building the friction up in between them - but finally he managed to get the tube open, emptying some lube out onto three of his fingers.

 

Mickey stilled his movements, separating his legs a little bit further, silently giving Ian all the permission in the world. He almost felt drunk somehow - they both did - despite the fact that Mickey had only had a beer and Ian obviously hadn’t had anything what with his meds. Maybe this was what people meant when they said that they were drunk or high on love.

 

Mickey had been in love with Ian for years and years, but he had never quite felt it like this. The promise of a future together had never been this strong. They were engaged. Fucking engaged - who would have thought?

 

Ian was his fiancé now, he was going to be his husband. After everything that they had been through together Mickey figured that he was allowed to be a little giddy - even though that wasn’t a word that he would ever use.

 

Ian didn’t waste much time working the first finger into Mickey, capturing his perfect lips in between his own as he did. Mickey let out a small noise of appreciation at both of the actions, the hand he had placed on the back of Ian’s neck curling into a fist, bringing some of the red hair with it as the finger was slipped out of him, and then in again.

 

“You feel so fucking amazing, Mick” Ian breathed truthfully into his fiancé’s mouth. Several days was a long fucking time to go without fucking - at least for the two of them. Ian had almost forgotten how perfectly Mickey’s ass always enveloped him, no matter if it was his fingers, tongue or cock, it always felt mindblowing to be inside of him.

 

Mickey let out some kind of noise in between a whine and a groan, and Ian swallowed it, deepening the kiss as he carefully worked a second finger inside of him, starting to press against his inner walls a little bit, scissoring him open to make sure that he would be ready to take his cock. Mickey started rocking his hips downwards ever so slightly, silently asking for even more.

 

Ian gave it to him, making sure to go slow as he moved the three fingers in and out of Mickey at a medium pace, their tongues sliding over each other, lips nipping, their entire bodies thrumming in happy high gear.

 

Their hot blood was practically coursing throughout their veins, hearts banging so hard and fast against their ribcages that it was difficult for either of them to focus on much as they all but melted into one.

 

Small noises filled the room. It was the slight creaking of the bed along with the quiet moans falling from Mickey’s mouth into Ian’s - but mostly it was the sound of them making out.

 

The deep breaths whenever they went in deeper than before despite the fact that that shouldn’t be physically possible. The beautiful wince escaping Ian’s mouth when Mickey bit his bottom lip teasingly. The occasional smack whenever they pulled apart too quickly. The contended hums appearing deep down in their throats. It was perfect, all of it.

 

Mickey continued to tug at the hair in the back of Ian’s neck, trying desperately to bring him down even further, press them even closer as he continued to stretch Mickey open, getting him ready. They had been together for so long that Mickey only had to move his hips a little bit more and let out a small whine to get Ian to understand that he was ready.

 

Ian pressed a last, deep, perfectly searing kiss to his favorite pair of lips, and then he lifted himself off of Mickey, reaching for the tube again, squeezing some of the lube out onto his hand, reaching down in between them to wrap his hand around himself, giving his cock a few good strokes to make sure that he was slicked up enough. A quiet moan escaped his lips at his own touch, and when he was ready, he laid down again.

 

Mickey had unwrapped his legs from around Ian’s body to make it easier for him to slick himself up, but now he placed them back where they belonged, his heels resting right above Ian’s ass as their eyes connected, happy smiles placed onto their faces as Ian easily sank into his fiancé, bottoming out with one single stroke.

 

A low moan sounded in Mickey’s throat as Ian dipped down, placing their lips back together, arms tightly wrapped around each other’s bodies as he stayed still for a second, letting them both adjust. Their eyes were shut by now, both of them in the special place that only they shared.

 

Ian’s cock felt so fucking perfect, stretching Mickey open in the best way. Even with the prep it stung ever so slightly, and it only made the pleasure even more mindblowing, even though Ian hadn’t moved quite yet.

 

Mickey’s ass clenched and unclenched around Ian’s cock, and by now they weren’t kissing anymore; their lips were just resting safely against each other as they struggled to get used to being connected like this again. Ian’s head positively spun - a result of both being inside of Mickey again and his answer to his proposal. He still hadn’t been able to fully grasp it.

 

Mickey had said yes; they were getting married. Ian and Mickey were going to be husbands. Ian had had this dream for over two decades - even more so since they had gotten back together and now it was finally - fucking finally - happening.

 

Mickey let out a low, impatient whine, using his heels to press Ian into him, urging him to move. Ian took the hint easily enough, rolling his hips backwards and then thrusting back into his fiancé while simultaneously capturing his lips in another deep, perfect kiss, their tongues colliding.

 

One of Mickey’s hands stayed on the back of Ian’s neck, tugging at the red hair while he wrapped his other arm all the way around his body, somehow hoping to bring them even closer together.

 

Never in a million years did Mickey believe that he nor Ian would ever be able to verbally express their feelings for each other - not really. No possible words would ever be able to explain this natural, mindblowing, earthshaking connection that they had always and would always share together.

 

Ian continued thrusting, moving his hips back and forth at a perfect pace. They weren’t fucking - Ian wouldn’t even considering this having sex - making love was the only possible description that fit what they were currently up to. It was what they both needed. What they both craved.

 

Mickey tightened his limbs around Ian, holding him even tighter to him. The kiss deepened for a moment, but soon Ian pulled away, burying his head in the crook of Mickey’s neck instead, breathing in the scent that held that special place inside of his heart.

 

A tiny whine escaped Mickey’s lips at the loss of Ian’s, but soon enough he mimicked what his fiancé was doing, pressing his face deep down into his shoulder as they continued moving together, dancing closer and closer to the edge.

 

Both pairs of eyes were clenched closed in pleasure, muffled moans filling the room as they melted into one, their bodies moving expertly together. Mickey dug his fingertips into the pale flesh of Ian’s waist as he started to feel his orgasm creep up on him.

 

Ian lifted his head, pushing Mickey’s out of his neck and pressed their lips together in a deep, searing kiss, right as they simultaneously hit their highs, bodies tensing up, moans and groans muffled by each other’s mouths as they thrummed through it all. Ian continued thrusting in and out of Mickey, leading them both through it.

 

Mickey felt Ian’s come splash against his inner walls as his own covered their chests, gluing them together.

 

When they were finally done, Ian barely had the energy to pull out of Mickey before he collapsed back on top of him, arms tightly wrapped around his body. Mickey felt Ian’s semen steadily leak out of him, but he couldn’t be bothered to find anything to clean it up with, he’d take care of that in the morning.

 

Right now, all that mattered was that they were here, they were together. And they were fucking getting married. Holy shit.

 

Mickey wasn’t aware of the fact that he had said the last two words out loud, but Ian let him know by lifting his head off of his chest to look up at him, eyebrows slightly knitted together, lips pulled into a soft, kind smile.

 

“What?” Mickey shrugged, bringing a hand up to his temple, tucking a few of the dark red, sweaty strands behind his ear.

 

“We’re getting married” He just stated, feeling happier and more content than he ever had before. Ian grinned back at him, nodding slightly, his stomach doing those small, tickling flips.

 

“We’re getting married”

 

They looked at each other for another beat before Ian surged up, unable to keep himself from pressing another searing, perfect kiss to Mickey’s mouth. Mickey hummed in appreciation, their tongues easily sliding over each other.

 

“I love you so much” Ian murmured against Mickey’s lips.

 

“I love you too. Always”

 

“Always”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you follow be on tumblr, you know that getting this out today has been a complete hell. I started it, and I wrote almost 3k, and then I realized that I didn't like it so I deleted it and started all over and I just ugh. I really hope that you guys appreciate this lmao
> 
> Have an amazing day! <3


	37. Open Eyes & An Open Door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sure, they could say it, they could kiss and they could get married but in the end, Ian just knew that he would never truly be able to make Mickey understand the love that he carried around for him - the love he had carried around for him for twenty four years.
> 
> It was just too big, too powerful. Thankfully, though; he knew that Mickey felt the exact same way.

Mickey woke up bit by bit, feeling the warm layer of sun painting his bare back; or once he didn’t curse himself for forgetting to close the curtains, because he was turned away from the window and it actually felt pretty nice. As if the sun was only adding to his already fluttering heart.

 

His face was buried in the crook of Ian’s neck, the strong, safe, pale, freckly arms wound tightly around his body, their legs tangled together, almost turning them into one. Mickey didn’t move, he didn’t open his eyes; he liked it like this. He and Ian were better than ever, all of his kids were home and doing at least okay; and as icing on the fucking cake, Mandy and Svetlana were happy as well. If he could freeze time and stay in this moment for the rest of his life, he knew that he would.

 

It took him a second, but finally he realized that last night had truly happened - it hadn’t been a dream. Ian Gallagher had really proposed to him, and he had said yes.

 

While he didn’t regret it - he wanted to marry this man more than anything else - it did scare him a little bit. It scared him to be this close to somebody, even if it was Ian whom he had known and loved for almost as long as he could remember.

 

Being this attached to somebody - loving somebody this much, it was a scary this. But Mickey guessed that it always would be, and in a way, it felt good. Loving somebody so much that your heart aches whenever you see their face or hear their voice - it was the best kind of scary.

 

And as much as Mickey’s heart started to pound whenever he thought about getting up on that altar and promising Ian forever - he also couldn’t wait.

 

A small groan sounded in the base of Ian’s throat, his arms tightening around his fiancé for a second; and Mickey knew that he was starting to wake up. He didn’t move, though, he didn’t see a reason to.

 

He wanted to hold on to this moment for just a second longer. It was too good, too amazing. He felt Ian dip his head a little bit, burying his face into his black hair, probably to shield himself somewhat from the burning sun that was currently pouring into his eyes.

 

“Baby, you awake?” Ian’s morning voice was quiet, rough and husky. The sound made Mickey’s stomach stir - along with his cock. He sighed softly, keeping his face pressed against Ian’s warm skin for a second before he lifted his head, meeting the bright, green eyes in the morning light.

 

A small smile was stretched across Ian’s lips, his blinks a little bit slower than usual as he drank in Mickey’s beauty. Their limbs were still tightly wrapped around each other’s bodies, neither of them having the strength to let go, not for one second.

 

Because they were in the perfect place. In each other’s arms, in that bed, in that house. They had had a lot of great moments in their relationship so far - amazing ones. But right now, newly engaged, happier than ever, this had to beat everything.

 

“Change your mind about wanting to marry me?” Ian asked; it was probably meant as a joke but Mickey had known him long enough to notice the nervous shake in his voice as he let his gaze wander over the older man’s face.

 

Mickey swallowed, immediately shaking his head slightly from side to side as he lowered his face, stopping right as their lips were just barely touching.

 

“Not for one fucking second” He whispered, making Ian break out into a huge grin right before he moved one of his hands up to the back of his neck, pulling him down for a deep, perfect kiss.

 

Mickey hummed into it, stomach churning in the best possible way, their arms staying wrapped around each other’s naked bodies as their tongues explored each other’s mouths.

 

Their eyes were closed as they took deep, audible breaths through their noses, their hearts somehow feeling lighter than ever before. Mickey had assumed that he would be pulling away from Ian when they got to this - not consciously, but just that he would be feeling uncertain or something.

 

That was the complete opposite of the feeling coursing through his veins at this moment, though. He wasn’t scared, he wasn’t uncertain; if anything, he felt so fucking in love that he felt as if his heart was going to burst out of his chest.

 

Nothing had ever felt so right before.

 

The room was completely silent this early in the morning; save for the slight creaking of the bed as Ian flipped his fiancé over onto his back, laying his hips down in between his legs. Mickey spread them to give Ian better access, locking his ankles together at the small of his back as they continued kissing, neither of them in much of a hurry to get anywhere.

 

Mickey kept one arm wrapped around the upper part of the taller man’s torso, his other hand on the back of his neck, fingers twisting into the strands of red hair. The kiss grew slightly deeper, their foreheads resting safely together as they moved around under the sheets.

 

Their lips continued moving expertly, tongues easily sliding over each other; Ian’s left arm stayed wrapped around Mickey’s waist, holding him close as he moved his right one, slowly sliding his hand down the side of his body.

 

Mickey let out a slight appreciative moan at the touch; he had always loved it when Ian just drank in his body somehow, when he just touched him as if he wanted to know him even better - wanted to know every curve every dip.

 

Ian’s hand finally ended up on Mickey’s thigh, and he couldn’t hold back his groan at the perfect feeling under his palm. The soft flesh, the warm skin. Mickey’s legs had always been Ian’s favorite part of his body; his thighs were thick and pale with small, thin, soft hairs littered across them, it was so fucking sexy.

 

Mickey knew this by now, of course, and while in the early stages of their relationship he had been slightly self-conscious about his steady frame and thick legs, now he had none of that worry left inside of him. Instead he took every single opportunity to tease his partner, walking around in boxers or wrapping them around him in bed.

 

Ian curled his hand together a little bit, kneading the flesh, his cock stirring at the feeling. Mickey moaned at the feeling, Ian swallowing the sound right before he deepened the kiss, wanting to make it as searing as possible - wanting to find some kind of way to express to Mickey how in love he truly was with him.

 

Sure, they could say it, they could kiss and they could get married but in the end, Ian just knew that he would never truly be able to make Mickey understand the love that he carried around for him - the love he had carried around for him for twenty four years.

 

It was just too big, too powerful. Thankfully, though; he knew that Mickey felt the exact same way.

 

Ian continued to massage Mickey’s thigh as he rolled his hips, creating some friction between their erections. Mickey’s breath hitched at the act, and he tightened his legs around his fiancé’s body, wanting more. Craving everything.

 

“I fucking love you so much” Mickey mumbled, giving Ian no chance to reciprocate before he tugged his hair tighter, shoving his tongue further into his mouth, completely and utterly unable to get anywhere close to enough. He wanted everything with Ian and so much more.

 

Ian rolled his hips again, some of their precome blending together, slicking them both up a little bit, making it smoother the next time he moved, rocking against his fiancé.

 

Mickey dug his fingertips into Ian’s right side, feeling the hot flesh underneath his palm as they moved together, muffled moans leaking into each other’s mouths as they continued building up the pressure in between them.

 

Mickey started rocking up into Ian, and the younger man took that as a sign that neither of them wanted to wait much longer. The realization led to him letting go of Mickey’s thigh, blindly reaching towards the nightstand, their lips never breaking apart.

 

Mickey tightened his hold on Ian’s hair, thirsting to deepen the kiss even further as he continued rolling his hips, sliding their cocks over each other.

 

Mickey swallowed Ian’s groan and stopped his movements, the kiss never breaking as Ian reached down in between them, wrapping his hand around his cock, giving himself a tug or two, making sure that he was slicked up enough before he let go, Mickey hitching his legs further up around his body.

 

“I love you” Ian whispered into his mouth, right as the head of his cock touched Mickey’s rim. He moved his hand back down to his right thigh and Mickey moaned, capturing his lips in between his own in another deep, searing kiss. Their tongues collided, and Ian didn’t waste any more time before he rolled his hips, expertly easing inside of his fiancé.

 

Mickey released a rough moan as he felt Ian’s cock stretch him out the last bit; thankfully he was still pretty open from last night so they hadn’t felt the need to spend much time on the prep. Ian bottomed out rather quickly, and as he did, he stopped his movements, letting them both adjust.

 

The kiss had stopped by now, their mouths only resting against one another, Mickey’s fingertips rubbing smooth circles on the back of his love’s neck. Both pairs of eyes had fallen closed, their thoughts nowhere but on each other as Ian finally moved, sliding his cock out of Mickey and then thrusting back in again.

 

A small sound fell out of Mickey’s lips, and Ian swallowed it with a resuming kiss, their tongues clashing against each other. Mickey’s left arm tightened around Ian’s body along with his legs as Ian kneaded his thigh, knowing that the simple act was something that they both enjoyed.

 

This was it; Mickey realized. Every fight he and Ian had ever gone through, every breakup, every smile and every laugh - it had all led them here. Maybe not to this exact moment, but they were at a point in their relationship now that they had formally decided to spend the rest of their lives together. Forever. Always. And what could that possibly be but a desired destination?

 

Ian kept rocking into Mickey, their practiced lips moving against each other; fingertips digging into flesh, beads of sweat forming, soft moans filling the room as they made love.

 

Mickey kept all four of his limbs wrapped around Ian’s body, holding them as tightly together as they could possibly come. How the fuck he had gone twenty years without this, he had no idea. Save for his children, Ian was the person that held Mickey together, the person that he could never see himself going another day without in his entire life.

 

Mickey let his hand drift to the top of Ian’s head and then down to his neck again, running through the red strands of hair as they both drifted closer and closer to the edge. Ian continued to rock into his fiancé, letting go of his thigh in favor of wrapping a strong hand around his cock, giving it a few strokes to help Mickey get there with him.

 

Mickey moaned softly at the touch, his head spinning at the pleasure taking over his body. Every single part of Ian somehow fit perfectly with him, like two puzzle pieces or something - no matter how cheesy it may sound.

 

Ian came first, stopping his movements, staying completely buried inside of Mickey, the shorter man swallowing every single one of his sounds, his arms not loosening for one second as he lead him through it. Feeling Ian’s hot come pour inside of him was what sent Mickey over the edge a second or two after Ian had gotten there.

 

Their bodies thrummed and throbbed together as they shook through it, ever so slightly rocking against each other still.

 

When they were finished, Ian collapsed on top of Mickey, burying his face deep in the crook of his neck, breathing in that special, completely toxically addictive scent. Mickey kept his arms tightly wound around his body, pressing his nose into the damp, red hair, letting his eyes drift back closed.

 

Nothing had ever in his entire life felt as right as this did. Ian’s comforting weight on top of him, his soft skin against his own; his hot, steady breathing fanning the skin of his neck. With a small, happy smile on his lips, Mickey drifted back to sleep.

 

  
A small groan escaped Briana’s lips as she pushed herself out of bed to stand up; that run may have been a good thing for her self-confidence but her body was aching way worse now than she had anticipated it would. All the way from her feet up to her torso. Her arms felt kind of sore, too. And her shoulders - scratch that, her entire body, every single fucking muscle hurt. Even her fingers. What the hell?

 

She forced herself to take a deep breath, lifting her hand up, running a flat palm over her tired face and then using her fingers to lazily comb through the tangly mess she called hair.

 

She then turned back around, realizing that she had woken up on top of the covers. Chances were than she had fallen asleep in the middle of her and her brother’s talk. It happened a lot - to both of them.

 

Another sigh fell out through Briana’s mouth as she bent down, retrieving a pair of black pajama shorts from the floor, tugging them on underneath her old rocker tee before she made her way out of her room.

 

She contemplated knocking on Brian’s door, but she knew how pissed he got whenever somebody woke him up, so she stayed away from that plan - besides, she was pretty sure that Cole was in his bed right now, and seeing her brother fuck his boyfriend was just not something that was not on her current bucketlist.

 

She heard faint moans coming from her dad and Ian’s room, so she scrunched her nose and stayed away from that door as well. Instead she turned a right outside of her bedroom door, taking the two or three steps necessary before she was standing outside of Yevgeny’s, raising two knuckles, letting them rap against the white wood. She made sure that it was loud enough that he would here it if he was awake, yet not so loud that it would wake him up if he wasn’t.

 

It didn’t take more than three seconds before she got her answer;

 

“Come in” Briana placed her hand onto the handle, pushing it down and letting herself into her older brother’s room. He was sitting in the middle of his queen sized bed, a mess of covers and pillows around him; practically bathing in a way too large guns and roses t shirt. His bleach blonde curls were just as tangly as Briana’s hair was, hanging down over his forehead.

 

A phone rested in his tattoo covered hands, and he didn’t seem to be interested in anything but the screen right now, frowning down at it. The view made Briana frown as well, and she leaned her bare shoulder against the doorframe, observing her brother for a second.

 

“What are you doing?” After eighteen years she knew him all too well - he was texting her.

 

Yevgeny may be the kind of guy who cheats, but he had also been the kind of guy who felt bad about it, the two normally wouldn’t match up but that’s how Briana knew that Yevgeny was a good person. It was rare that he didn’t apologize to whoever he had cheated on, but even so he always felt bad even if he received forgiveness in return.

 

To add on to all of that, Briana had never seen him be so hung up on anybody as he seemed to be on Charlie, and in a way that had to mean something. Try as she did she couldn’t for the life of her figure out why he would cheat on her to begin with, but then again, he guessed that neither did he.

 

“I just um…” Yevgeny started, lifting his head, eye contact being established in-between them for the first time since she had walked into the room. “I’ve give her some space, I just thought that if I… I don’t know” He sighed, hanging his head, bringing his free hand up to the back of his neck, his fingers sorting through some of the locks of blond hair. “If I… I just wanted to apologize, that’s all”

 

Briana swallowed, tilting her head slightly to the side as she continued observing her brother for another second. It hurt her to see him like this; this heartbroken, this confused.

 

“Mind if I take a look?” She asked carefully. It was something that they did sometimes, let each other look at their texts in situations like this whenever one of them weren’t too sure about what they should say or how they should say it. This was a thing in their entire family, not just in between Yevgeny and Briana.

 

Yevgeny swallowed, easing himself out of bed and taking the five or six necessary steps before he could hand the iphone over to his sister. Briana accepted it, frowning down at the screen.

 

_You know that I’m good with words, I always have been. I also know that that is one of the reasons you have a hard time trusting the ones that come out of my mouth, and for that I can’t blame you. I guess that I could give you the ‘I’m so sorry, please forgive me’ speech, but what good would that do? While I am sorry, I don’t expect you to forgive me. In fact, if you never want to talk to me again, I would understand._

 

_What I did was terrible, and I would love to tell you that it won’t happen again, but I can’t. I have a hard time staying faithful, I have cheated in the past and I will cheat in the future. Hopefully over the next few years I will be able to grow up a little bit and develop into a man who won’t hurt the people he is with, but for now, I’m not there. I’m just not. I wish that there was some excuse I could give you, some magic word that would make you understand. Make you stop hurting. However, I don’t think that there is anything._

 

_I love you, Charlie. I do. But you deserve somebody who can give you happiness, and a good life. In this moment, I am not that person. So I am sorry. I am so, so sorry for that I did to you. But goodbye is all I can give you right now._

 

“Wow” Briana blinked down at the screen, feeling her eyes grow a little bit wetter than usual as she lifted her head, laying her gaze onto her brother’s; she handed the phone back to him, and he swallowed, running a hand over his wild hair.

 

“You um… you think it’s okay?” He asked nervously. While he had already sent the text, he wasn’t sure if it had been the right thing to do.

 

“It’s beautiful” Briana nodded. “And… mature. I’m proud of you, bro. I really am” Yevgeny nodded in thanks, and they both did their best to shake off the momentary sadness filling their bodies. “You want to go down? Get some coffee?”

 

“Yeah”

 

  
Mickey ran a hand over his face as he tugged his boxers up his legs, back turned towards his bed and sleeping fiancé. His heart hadn’t stopped thrumming against his ribcage all morning.

 

It was as if he couldn’t possibly calm down - he was too happy. He and Ian were getting married; after twenty four fucking years of dancing around each other, they were finally getting married. They were going to at an altar and say those two, perfect words.

 

Mickey still couldn’t quite believe that it was actually happening - then again, it had only been a few hours since Ian had asked him, he’d probably have the time to melt it down a little bit more before it was actually time for the wedding.

 

Which he didn’t mind at all - he would like to bathe in this feeling for a few months; just being engaged actually felt so good, he couldn’t imagine how amazing it would feel to actually be husbands when the time came.

 

Once his boxers were on, Mickey’s eyes focused on three shirts thrown onto the floor. Two was his own, and one was one of Ian’s grey v-necks. It would be so easy to pick up one of his own, but as he bent over, for some reason his hand ended up curled around the thin, grey cotton instead, and he pulled the shirt over his body without thinking much more of it.

 

Even when they had been teenagers, Mickey had had a thing for wearing Ian’s clothes; it just felt as if Ian’s arms were constantly wrapped around him, his warmth and comforting scent enveloping him.

 

When Mickey turned around he was surprised to spot Ian, sitting in the middle of the bed, sheets pooling around his names body, lips pulled into a happy smile.

 

“What are you doing?” Mickey questioned, to which Ian just shrugged, his smile growing as their eyes locked.

 

“Watching you” His head was tilted slightly to the side, and Mickey took the few steps over to the bed before climbing onto it. Ian placed his hands around his thighs, tugging slightly to make him lose balance and straddle his own.

 

Both of them chuckled into the warm, happy kiss as they all but melted into one.

 

  
Brian, Yevgeny and Cole were all in the kitchen, seemingly attempting to make some kind of breakfast. They made too much noise for Briana’s taste so she was currently doing nothing but sitting outside on the porch overlooking the street, a big cup of coffee in her hand. Her bare feet were placed onto the second to last step of the stairs, knees pulled almost all the way up to her boobs.

 

It was strange; sometimes she got into these moods where she wasn’t sad, but she also didn’t feel like smiling.

 

There was nothing bothering her - in fact, this day was probably the best one since the shooting. Her father and Ian seemed happy, Mandy and Lana were happy. Brian and Cole seemed great together, and while Yevgeny was dealing with his and Charlie’s shit, having her brother home always made Briana feel more at peace.

 

There was nothing really missing, nothing that could make this morning any better. But whenever she tried, she just couldn’t get her mouth to form a smile - and this wasn’t because she was unhappy, she wasn’t really at all.

 

She was happy, she just didn’t feel like showing it. It was confusing, and she doubted that she would ever be able to explain it, were anybody to ask her, but it was a pretty common mood of hers. She felt… at peace with the world while at the same time not feeling so happy that she wanted to smile or laugh.

 

Swallowing the last gulp of coffee contained in her cup, she stood up and took a deep breath, inhaling the light morning air before she turned around, heading back inside.

 

The door fell closed behind her and Briana ran a hand through her tangly mess of hair.

 

She could hear Cole and her brothers talk in the kitchen, their voices muffled; she was just about to head towards the hallway when something perched onto the coffee table caught her eye. Her eyebrows were pulled together, and she placed her empty coffee cup onto the flat space at the bottom of the railing before she walked into the living room, wondering if she could be right.

 

The table was littered with a few beers bottles, used candles and a half-eaten pizza. But none of that was what had caught her eye first. No, the thing that she had first laid eyes on was the small, tiny velvet box at the edge of the flat wooden surface.

 

“Holy fuck” She breathed, her voice barely audible enough that she could hear the words herself. It crossed her mind to just leave it be, but ultimately she was way too much of a curious george to do so.

 

The item felt heavy in her hand as she picked it up, the material covering it somehow soft and rough at the same time. It took her a second to get the lid open since she only had one hand to work with, but finally she managed to get her thumb in there right, and it popped open, revealing a set of the most beautiful gold bands she had ever seen.

 

“Fuck” She sighed again.

 

“What?”

 

“Oh, fuck!” She cursed a lot louder, startled at her twin brother’s voice behind her. When she turned around, Brian’s eyebrows were settled into a frown, but as she spotted what she was holding in her hand, they raised, his lips parting slightly.

 

“Fuck”

 

  
“Do you want to tell the kids now, or do you think we should wait?” Ian asked, arms wrapped around Mickey’s waist, neither of them having quite found the strength to push themselves out of their bedroom just yet.

 

“They should know” Mickey spoke after a beat, blinking up into the big, beautiful green eyes that he had fallen in love with so long ago. Ian hummed in agreement before surging down, capturing his fiancé’s lips in a deep, loving kiss.

 

Mickey’s hands were resting at the small of his back, holding him close as he reciprocated, their tongues sliding easily over each other’s, their hearts fluttering no less now than they had back when they had been teenagers. No matter what their drivers licenses said, when they were together, they would always be seventeen.

 

“I love you so much, baby” Ian mumbled once they finally found the strength to pull apart. Mickey smiled up at him, his body feeling light; almost as if he was soaring or some shit. He was so fucking happy - they were happy.

 

“I love you” Mickey spoke back, pressing one more kiss to his favorite lips before they finally let go of each other and made their way out into the rest of the house.

 

Walking down the stairs they had a little bit of a hard time keeping their eyes and hands off of each other; the second Mickey had accepted Ian’s proposal, it was as if they had entered some new kind of honeymoon stage. Who could really blame them though? Whether it was conscious wished or not, they had waited and craved this moment for decades.

 

However, when they entered the kitchen their smiles fell off of their faces, being replaced with confused frowns. Yevgeny, Brian, Briana, Mandy and Lana were all sitting on one side of the kitchen island in a perfect row, quite obviously waiting for Ian and Mickey. Some kind of lump grew in the shorter man’s throat as he feared something was incredibly wrong.

 

“Hey…” He begun, Ian standing behind him, just as confused if not more. “Brian, where’s Cole? Thought he spent the night” Mickey asked, if only for the fact that it was the only thing he was coming up with at the moment. The air in the room was so thick that you could surely slit it with a butcher knife and it was starting to scare him.

 

“Yeah, he went home a while ago” Brian stated flatly, his answer not doing much to calm his father down. Before he or Ian could ask what all of this was about, though, Mandy cleared her throat, reaching into her pocket for something, holding it out for the happy couple to see.

 

“We found this”

 

Ian let his eyes fall closed; this was not how it was supposed to go. They were supposed to sit the entire family down and tell them, not have them randomly figure it out, this was all kinds of wrong.

 

“So” Svetlana stated, taking her small velvet box out of her wife’s hand. “You two are getting married?” Mickey desperately searched his children’s faces for some kind of a clue as to what the correct answer was. Should he have talked it through with them before he had said yes? Maybe. Then again, they were all over the age of eighteen by now and as much as he loved them, his love life actually wasn’t much of their business.

 

Try as he did, though, Brian, Briana and Yev all kept their faces straight, not showing a single sign of being upset, but not excited either. So finally, Mickey just had to bite the bullet.

 

“Yeah” He spoke, voice rough. “Yeah, we are”

 

Ian took a step closer to him, their fingers lacing together in a secure grip. They knew each other so well by now that Ian could tell how nervous his fiancé was just by the slight way in which his breathing changed.

 

And in a way, Mickey found that his nervousness was completely justified. For the longest time it had just been him and his kids - and Lana and Mandy, of course - he had literally had nothing else to focus on. His life had been work and kids, nothing more and nothing less.

 

And while he hadn’t been unhappy with that in any way, that chapter was over for him. His kids were grown, and he and Ian were more in love than ever. So no matter what reaction he would end up getting from the rest of his family, he wouldn’t let that shake them. This was what he wanted - what he would always want.

 

So he held his breath, and it felt like a fucking eternity of silence; but finally the kitchen was filled with grins and happy squeals, Mickey’s heart feeling light once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all have the most amazing day! <3


	38. Old Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When they had been sixteen, seventeen, eighteen and nineteen - a life like this was something that Ian would never even have had the balls to dream of. Celebrating Mickey’s fortieth birthday, their children surrounding them, wedding bells ringing the distance - all of it was just way too perfect.

A small groan rolled in the base of Ian’s throat as he started to awake, the morning sun shining in through the window, landing right on his face. His eyebrows traveled closer together in irritation, his eyes staying shut for another second as he let himself completely arrive into the land of the living again.

 

Ian was laying on his back, his body and head slightly tilted to the right, arms tightly wrapped around his other half. Mickey still seemed to be fast asleep, face deeply buried in the crook of the taller man’s neck, his breathing slow and steady. Their legs were tangled together under the sheets, warmth building up in between them.

 

Ian swallowed a few times, attempting to get rid of the dry feeling of morning in his throat before he finally let his eyes blink open, his frown immediately deepening at the sun; stronger than he had imagined it to be. His thumb moved back and forth over a small patch of skin on Mickey’s arm, these small acts as good as habits by now.

 

Sleep was still coursing throughout Ian’s veins, and the urge to just tighten his grip around his fiancé and back to sleep was overwhelming. He couldn’t, though. Not today of all days. A soft, content sigh escaped his lips as he tilted his head downwards, pressing a kiss to the black hair, keeping his lips there for a second.

 

Sometimes it still blew his mind - how right this felt. How they had both found each other at the tender age of sixteen and eighteen, and yet their love had been strong enough to survive this long.

 

Together or not, they had been in love with each other for twenty four fucking years - if that wasn’t an accomplishment, Ian wasn’t sure what the fuck was. It had been just about six months since they had run into each other again, and while they had all been through hell and back since then, it felt so fucking good; good to be back here.

Nobody else would ever be able to be Ian’s Mickey - or vice versa, for that matter. They belonged, and even though they were going to spend the rest of their lives together, Ian doubted that he would ever be able to quite wrap his mind around how lucky he was - or how lucky they both were. Having found each other, getting to feel this way.

 

Ian’s mouth pulled into somewhat of a happy smile, the bottom half of his face still buried in Mickey’s hair, breathing in that special scent.

 

Today he was extra grateful for their life together - because today Mickey was forty years old. They had fucking done it; they were two forty year old men - well, Ian technically wouldn’t be forty until November of next year, but his point still stood.

 

They were what you could call middle aged, and they were happy. They were together. Their increasing ages made Ian feel nothing but content - proud that they had managed to get themselves here.

 

Ian realized that he had let his eyes drift closed as he walked down memory lane, so he pressed one more kiss to the top of Mickey’s head before he carefully started to untangle their bodies, making sure not to wake his partner up.

 

It took him a good minute, but finally Mickey subconsciously helped separate them before he flipped over to his stomach, tugging his pillow closer to him as he sank back into his deep sleep. A small sigh fell out through Ian’s parted lips at the same time as he got up on his feet, completely tearing himself away from the welcoming warmth of the bed and the amazing man who was laying in it.

 

Ian ran a hand through the mess that was apparently supposed to be called hair as he looked down onto the carpeted floors, finding a pair of boxers that he tugged on to cover himself. He wasn’t sure whether they were originally Mickey’s or his own, but at this point in their relationship, neither of them actually gave a shit anymore.

 

Once he was standing straight up again, his gaze fell onto his fiancé. Mickey was still spread out onto his stomach, the covers pooling right around his hips, giving Ian the perfect view of his muscular back; every dip and curve that he by now knew all too well. His head was turned away from Ian and towards the sunlit window; although he looked to have his face at least partly buried in the warmth of his pillow.

 

Ian’s blinks were slow, a soft smile making its way across his lips. As much as he loved kissing Mickey, talking to Mickey, fucking Mickey - you name it - he had to admit; these were his favorite moments of sharing his life with this wonder of a man. Just the quiet mornings when he could take the time to drink him in. Just look, admire. Hit himself over and over again with the realization that this was really happening.

 

They were Ian and Mickey. Again. Six months - give or take - hadn’t quite been enough time to melt that, and he liked that. He didn’t want to get over it; Ian thirsted for the painful way in which his heart slammed against his ribcage whenever he and Mickey were even in the same room together. The way his stomach fluttered and the way his head spun. He loved it - all of it.

 

Ian stayed put for another second before he gently made his way around the bed and to the window, slowly closing the curtains so that Mickey wouldn’t have to deal with the brightness whenever he woke up.

 

Once the room was ever so slightly darker, he turned around, eyes now focusing on Mickey’s face. His body was gently moving up and down as he breathed, chapped lips slightly parted. Ian had to admit that his skin itched with the want to climb back into bed if only to hold him, but he knew that he wouldn’t forgive himself.

 

The entire family had decided to make him a big breakfast, and by the muffled sounds coming from downstairs, Mandy, Lana and Yevgeny had already arrived. With one last smile, Ian tore his gaze away from his sleeping fiancé, and headed back around the bed again. He found one of his white V-necks, tugging it onto his body along with a pair of his grey sweatpants; then he moved gently towards the bedroom door, making sure that he didn’t make any noise as he exited, heading down the stairs.

 

As he walked, he reached his right hand up to his head again, running his fingers through the red strands. His hair had always grown really fucking quickly, and while it had been about four months since he had let Fiona shave it all off, he was still amazed at how long it was by now.

 

It had been a lot longer before the cut, of course; but by now he at least had enough that it looked like a mess in the morning, shorts strands sometimes falling down onto his forehead. For a second he toyed with the idea of shaving it all of once again; but then he remembered how much he had missed Mickey’s hands tugging at his hair, so he quickly discarded that idea.

 

When he entered the kitchen, the entire family was already up. Svetlana and Briana were standing over by the counter, seemingly pouring spoonfuls of batter into the waffle-iron; Brian was just sitting on one of the barstools, scrolling through his phone as Mandy and Yevgeny were wrapping a few gifts last minute.

 

“Is he still asleep?” Mandy asked her soon-to-be brother in law, not taking her eyes off of the present that she and Yev were currently cooperating to get wrapped as quickly as possible. Ian was silent for a beat, distracted by the sizzling sound filling the kitchen when Briana closed the device around the batter.

 

“Uh, yeah. He’s asleep” Ian finally assured them all, walking over to sit on one of the barstools on the edge of the kitchen island. Svetlana handed him a hot cup of coffee without even asking, and he smiled at her, nodding gratefully. The entire family was in high gear, rushing to get everything done before Mickey would inevitably be waking up from his slumber.

 

If it was something that Ian had picked up on since being a part of said family - at least this time around - it was that celebrating birthdays were kind of a big deal in the Milkovich household nowadays. It was nice. Ian guessed that Mickey and Mandy - and Svetlana to some degree - had never really had the chance or the time to celebrate as they had grown up. Ian remembered Mandy throwing Mickey a package of lazily wrapped weed on his eighteenth birthday, and he hadn’t quite understood it too well.

 

Despite the fact that the Gallaghers had never had much money, they had always tried to scrape something up so that whoever was getting older could have a small piece of cake, or some kind of bought present.

 

That wasn’t really how the ‘old’ Milkovich family had worked, they just hadn’t had the chance to do even that. So now, when they actually did have the opportunity to make someone’s special day a truly special day, they always seemed to take it. It made Ian happy to see how far they had all come.

 

A few minutes later, all of the breakfast was cooked and placed onto different plates. There were eggs and waffles, but of course most of the food consisted for bacon - it was Mickey’s birthday, after all. The gifts were wrapped and placed into a large pile in the middle of the kitchen island, and Ian and Brian were swallowing the last bit of coffee left in their cups.

 

“Think we should wake him up or just wait?” Mandy asked, her voice a bit of a tired grumble since it was still early in the morning.

 

It crossed Ian’s mind to suggest that he go upstairs alone and wake him up just so that he could do so with a blowjob, but on second thought he wouldn’t be too comfortable knowing that the rest of their family was waiting for them - and would probably be able to guess what they were doing, so he scraped that idea fairly quickly.

 

Briana’s lips parted as she got ready to answer her aunt, but in that moment they heard Mickey’s voice, along with heavy footsteps trudging through the short hallway towards the kitchen.

 

“No fucking need, I’m up” Mickey’s voice was rough, more sleep clouding the words than Ian had ever really heard before. It honestly kind of surprised him that his fiancé had gotten up so early on his own, birthday or not. Either way, as soon as Mickey entered the kitchen, the entire family turned towards him and the singing started.

 

“For he’s a jolly good old man, for he’s a jolly good old man…” Ian, Mandy and Svetlana had all started singing ‘fellow’ but they soon enough picked up on what the kids were singing, joining in; huge grins covering their faces.

 

Mickey seemed to be fighting his own smile by the was his tongue was massaging his cheek; he had stopped a few meters away from his family, arms crossed over his chest.

 

Ian continued singing as he let his gaze draw up and down his love’s body, appreciating how beautiful he was. Grey sweatpants were hanging down from his hips, one of Ian’s black V-necks covering his upper body. His jet-black hair was a complete mess, hanging kind of all over the place. Forty years old and he looked just as gorgeous as he had back when they had been teenagers. Fuck, Ian loved this man.

 

“Hip hip, hurray!” They finished cheering, and Mickey finally cracked, a grin making its way across his face.

 

“Thank you” He spoke, only half sarcastically before taking a few steps forwards, wrapping his arms around Ian since he was closest at the moment. Ian immediately returned the hug, tugging his fiancé tightly to him, burying his face in the crook of his shoulder, neither of them really caring about the fact that their family was around them at the moment.

 

“You’re old” Ian whispered into his ear, earning himself a punch to his bicep as they let go.

 

“Fuck you, man. I’m not old” Mickey spoke back; the grin was still stuck on his face, though - much like Ian. The taller man just continued to blink down at his partner, completely amazed at how lucky they both were.

 

Any day like this - a birthday, a holiday, anything - it just really reminded him of what truly mattered. And the only thing that truly mattered in his life right now was Mickey and the kids. Nothing more and nothing less.

 

“I love you so much” Ian spoke, unable to keep himself from putting a hand on the back of Mickey’s neck, urging him to step a little bit closer. Mickey gave into it despite the fact that his Mandy, Lana and his kids were watching their every move.

 

“I love you too, baby” Mickey assured him, the nickname slipping out without a second thought as their lips pressed together; Mickey’s bottom lip slipping in between Ian’s. It wasn’t a very passionate kiss, of course - no tongues were involved at all. It was just a regular, soft and slightly open mouthed kiss. It was perfect - more than perfect.

 

The truth was that Mickey didn’t get upset by the ‘old man’ jokes. Because even though he knew that forty wasn’t really that old, he wouldn’t have minded it if had been. His kids were happy, he was happy. He had Ian; and Mandy and Lana seemed to be doing just fine. What more could he possibly wish for?

 

They pulled apart, and Ian fought the urge to place a kiss to the tip of Mickey’s nose - he’d save that for later. He had a feeling that that would just be a little bit too cutesy for Mickey to be okay with doing in front of his family.

 

Mickey went on to hug his sister, Lana and the kids; one by one they congratulated him. Ian stayed back a little bit, leaning against the kitchen counter, arms crossed comfortably over his chest. His heart was fluttering in that specific way that it only did when he was in the presence of Mickey.

 

When they had been sixteen, seventeen, eighteen and nineteen - a life like this was something that Ian would never even have had the balls to dream of. Celebrating Mickey’s fortieth birthday, their children surrounding them, wedding bells ringing the distance - all of it was just way too perfect.

 

Sure, sometimes Ian still beat himself up over the fact that they had wasted those twenty years apart when Ian could have just swallowed his pride and called Mickey up to beg for his forgiveness. But at the same time,he wouldn’t take the fact that he hadn’t back for anything.

 

If they had both decided to get back together say a year after the official breakup, the chances that they would still be together today were honestly minimal. Ian would always stand by the fact that despite that they still loved each other very much, they were completely different people now compared to who they had been when they were younger.

They had needed those twenty years apart from each other. They had needed them to grow and they had needed them to realize who they both really were before they could figure out who they were as a couple.

 

While five years or so probably would have been enough for all of that, Ian liked their story. Twenty years apart only to find each other again, it was… dramatic. In a good way. He would never give that up for anything.

 

Ian’s mind continued to drift a little bit as Mickey was handed a cup of coffee along with a plate of waffles and bacon. Soon the entire family was placed around the kitchen island, eating and chattering; happily enjoying each other’s company which was something that they all rarely got the chance to do these days.

 

It was as if somebody was always off somewhere, doing something - and with such a big family, that wasn’t really a strange thing, but it still felt nice to have everybody catch up with each other for once.

 

Once most of the food was gone, Mickey opened the gifts that his family had bought him. He received one big present from all three of his kids; it was a pair of dr martens combat boots, something that he had wanted for years but he had never quite let himself spend all of that money on something for himself.

 

Really, he was surprised at how fucking perfect the gift was, because he also vaguely remembered Ian mentioning something about how hot he would look in a pair. Actually twice - once when they had been younger and once about a month ago. Mickey had waved him off both times, knowing that he would never be able to afford a pair.

 

“Thank you so much, they’re fucking perfect” Mickey spoke honestly, giving each of his kids a tight hug. ‘ _I love you, dad_ ’s and ‘ _Happy birthday, dad_ ’s were poured into his ear and despite the semi-hard front he liked to put up to this day, even with his family, he was forced to fight some tears back.

 

Ian’s gift was a little bit smaller; it wasn’t wrapped in any kind of paper. Instead he was handed a long, rectangular box, covered in black velvet. A small lump grew in his throat, and somehow he knew what it was before he had even opened the lid.

 

There it was.

 

A small, thin and long chain laid inside, attached to two dog-tags. Mickey swallowed roughly, holding the box in his left hand while he reached his right one up, carefully holding one of them in his hand to read what was engraved.

 

‘ _Ian & Mickey_’ He put it down, moving on to the next one. ‘ _Always_ ’

 

The tags looked almost exactly identical to the ones that Mickey had gotten Ian for christmas, and once again he was having a more than difficult time keeping his tears in. He swallowed roughly as he turned to Ian, placing a hand on the back of his neck.

 

“You like them?” Ian asked, and a small chuckle escaped Mickey’s lips right before he darted in for another quick kiss. Their foreheads stayed together when they pulled apart, their stomachs stirring in happiness.

 

“They’re beautiful” Mickey assured him, voice slightly clouded by the tears he was holding in. There were a thousand things that Ian could have gotten him, but he got him the one thing that held a sentimental meaning to them both. In that moment, Mickey thought that he maybe fell even a little bit deeper in love with the man in front of him.

 

  
The rest of the day wasn’t all that special, but it was amazing to Mickey nonetheless. The entire family spent it inside, watching a lot of television, some of them drinking a few beers. When lunchtime came, Ian ordered a few of Mickey’s favorite pizza, despite the fact that everyone else found it disgusting.

 

To some it may sound lame, and some people might think that a fortieth birthday deserved something a little bit bigger. But the truth was that Mickey had his family with him, he had some of his favorite action movies on the television screen and in the end there was truly nothing more that he ever would wish for. His day was turning out to be perfect - and even more than that, even.

 

As the darkness fell, all seven of them were perched in different parts of the livingroom, several empty green glass bottles spread out on the table along with pizza boxes and other takeout containers. Double impact was playing on the television screen, although the sound was severely turned down since five out of seven people were fast asleep by now.

 

Ian’s arms were wrapped around his fiancé’s body, although Mickey could hear the soft, steady breathing escaping his lips, letting him know that he was sleeping rather deeply by now.

 

Maybe it was some kind of food coma, or just the effect of being inside all day, but the entire family was becoming rather exhausted.   
Yevgeny was the only one who was awake, save for his father, both men’s eyes blinking tiredly at the bright television screen.

 

The skinny, tattooed man was curled up on one of the small loveseats, his sister taking up the other end of it, her head leaning backwards a little bit, small - barely audible - snores escaping her nose.

 

Mickey kept looking at the television for a minute before he turned his head to look as his son; he hated seeing him this broken, he really did. The truth was that Yevgeny had always been really confident and sure about who he was. But these past few weeks, he had almost been somebody that his father just barely recognized. It was more than obvious that he was completely heartbroken, and Mickey wished that he knew how to help him.

 

A question was on the tip of his tongue, but before Mickey could actually talk, he closed his mouth again, moving his gaze back to the television. He could talk to Yevgeny tomorrow; he knew that if he brought his school or anything like that up now, it would lead to some kind of heavy discussion, and it would ruin the night for both of them.

 

Despite Yevgeny’s pain, though, sometimes Mickey was still baffled at how amazing his son was. He wasn’t quite sure how he could have ended up such a great kid with all the screwed up background, but somehow he had. Granted, Svetlana probably had a lot to do with it, but Mickey liked to think that some of it was thanks to himself.

 

A small, content sigh escaped his lips as he brought his and Ian’s interlaced hands up to his mouth, pressing a soft kiss to the pale, freckly skin.

 

  
It was way past midnight by the time Ian and Mickey were finally in bed and while they both had things to do tomorrow, neither of them had any intention of getting that much sleep. Their clothes were since long discarded and spread all over the bedroom floor.

 

The room was dimly lit by nothing but the small stream of moonlight slipping in through the window as their mouths worked against each other, Mickey’s legs tightly wrapped around Ian’s middle, craving him somehow more than ever before.

 

“You’re fucking beautiful” Ian couldn’t help but breathe into his fiancé’s mouth, his hand steady running down his side, landing on his thigh, gently kneading the pale flesh, drowning in how fucking perfect it felt underneath his warm palm. Mickey did nothing but let out a small, muffled groan in response.

 

A small bell rang in the back of Ian’s head, reminding him that he had been up for almost twenty four hours straight by now, and he should really get some sleep instead of fucking Mickey, but he didn’t listen. It was Mickey’s birthday - well, technically not anymore but his point stood - and he wasn’t letting him go to sleep without a good fuck.

 

“How do you want it?” Ian whispered the question into his partner’s mouth before pulling away, placing his lips to his jawline instead, slowly rolling into his body to create some friction in between them. A small moan escaped Mickey’s lips at the act, his eyes falling closed in pleasure.

 

“Do you um…” He attempted to focus on answering Ian’s question, but the pleasure and anticipation was already starting to course throughout his veins, making it all but an impossible task to handle. “Remember that thing we did?” He finally managed; another few breaths escaped his lips before he continued. “Back… before? Right after… that night at the alibi?”

 

Mickey avoided explaining further. His coming out had never really been a good memory for the two of them; sure, in a way it had been when he had finally been able to be free. But it had also been a terrible night - and a worse than terrible morning to follow. It was kind of a silent agreement in between the two of them that they didn’t talk about it.

 

Ian continued mouthing on Mickey’s neck for a second, determined to make his mark as he tried to remember exactly what his fiancé was talking about. After a few beats, it all snapped into place and he lifted his head, staring down into the deep, blue eyes. Mickey’s teeth scratched against his own bottom lip as he waited for Ian’s answer.

 

“You want… You want to try fisting again?” Ian asked, confused. Sure, back when they had tried it, it - from what he could remember - had been amazing.

 

But there was a reason why fisting was something that they hadn’t gone back to - it drained Mickey for every single ounce of energy he had in his entire body. Not to mention the fact that he had had quite a hard time walking the next day, despite the fact that Ian had been careful and used a surely excessive amount of lube.

 

If this was what Mickey wanted, then Ian was more than willing, he was just surprised because he had assumed that as much pleasure as it had brought his partner, it had brought a lot of trouble as well. Mickey just swallowed, though, moving his head slightly into a nod.

 

“Okay” Was all Ian said before dipping down to capture Mickey’s lips in another deep kiss, rolling his hips into him again a few times, just to make sure that they were both excited and ready. Mickey’s hands roamed his back, staying at his hips for a moment before sliding back up to his shoulder blades, taking in every dip and every curve.

 

Finally, Ian pulled away with a kiss to the bridge of Mickey’s nose.

 

“You’re sure that’s what you want to do?” He had to ask once more, but Mickey just let out a low hum before tugging his fiancé back down for another kiss. That was all the green light that Ian needed; Mickey placed his lips to his collar bone as the taller man got a hold of the lube, expertly preparing two of his fingers to begin with.

 

Mickey spread his legs a little bit further, their lips staying resting together as Ian reached down, slipping the first finger into him; since they had fucked last night, there was barely any resistance, and since Mickey was more than used to the feeling of having Ian’s fingers inside of him by now, all he did was let out a content sigh, his eyes slipping back closed.

 

Ian lifted his head, looking down at Mickey’s relaxed features, moving his finger in and out of his ass a few more times before he carefully worked the second one in, scissoring them ever so slightly.

 

It didn’t matter how many times they had done this, he always ended up in awe at how completely and utterly beautiful Mickey was when he knitted his eyebrows together pleasure. Ian had always loved fingering Mickey because when he wasn’t getting that immediate physical pleasure for himself, he had more time to focus on his partner’s reactions and sounds. It had always been amazing to him.

 

“You good with the next one?” Ian asked lowly, voice laced with pleasure; Mickey’s only response was to attempt to part his legs a little bit further, small moans falling out of his mouth. Ian carefully slipped his fingers out of him, using his free hand to drip some more lube out before he gently eased all three digits back inside of Mickey.

 

Ian carefully moved his fingers in and out at a slow and steady pace, making sure that he wasn’t hurting his partner at all. Mickey started to rock back a little bit, teeth digging into his tongue, pleasure already coursing throughout his veins; he had forgotten how fucking good it felt to just get fingered. Usually they were in such a rush to get to the fucking that they didn’t spend much time on preparation - in fact, since they fucked so often by now, sometimes it wasn’t even necessary to do any at all.

 

Ian’s gaze was stuck on Mickey’s pure, beautiful face as he moved the three fingers from side to side, pressing slightly at the inner walls to stretch him open further. There was already a thin, thin layer of sweat covering Mickey’s body, and Ian guessed that it was mainly out of anticipation for what was yet to come. He dropped a soft kiss to his lips before easing his finger back out of his lover.

 

They didn’t exchange any words, they didn’t need to. Instead, Mickey kept his eyes closed, focusing on getting his breathing to calm down every so slightly; at the same time, Ian picked the lube back up, expertly slicking up a forth finger, and adding some extra to the other three as well, just to make sure that Mickey would be completely fine and that it wouldn’t sting any more than it had to.

 

Then he eased himself back down on top of the older man’s body, squeezing his fingers together to make them all as skinny as possible when he pressed them back against Mickey’s entrance.

 

Granted, they weren’t quite by the entire hand just yet, but four fingers was still a lot more than they usually used, so Ian made sure to go slow. Mickey’s skin was flushed, face screwed up into a tight frown of pleasure as Ian continued stretching him open, his rim puffing up ever so slightly around his four fingers.

 

It stung ever so slightly, but the pain mixed with the pleasure, and it made it all the more intense. So much better. In fact, had he wanted to, he probably would have been able to come right then and there, but he didn’t want to. He wanted all of it.

 

Ian continued fucking his fiancé steadily, and it surely took almost ten minutes before Mickey let out a small groan that he recognised as his ‘Just fucking get on with it already’ groan - he was all too familiar with it by now. It was on the tip of his tongue to ask Mickey if he was still sure about this, but he knew exactly what answer he would end up getting, so instead he just eased his fingers out of him one last time and poured some more lube out onto his fingers, taking his time with slicking his hand up to his wrist.

 

The truth was that it looked scary as fuck; his hand wasn’t small by any means, and that entire thing was going to be inside of Mickey. Holy fuck. Then again, he had to admit that it was always hot when Mickey was needy or greedy in any kind of way. And right now he was spread out underneath him, legs spread out, small groans still escaping his lips despite the fact that Ian wasn’t touching him at the moment. He looked as if he was in some kind of a daze - the best kind.

 

Ian swallowed, and then finally he laid back down again. Mickey’s arm twitched as if he wanted to reach up and touch the back of Ian’s neck, but didn’t quite have the energy to right now, so instead he stayed still, waiting for his fiancé to get on with it.

 

Ian studied his face for a second, dropping a soft kiss to his lips; he kept himself there, his mouth hovering half an inch above Mickey’s right as he started to push in, making sure to go slow - so very slow - this wasn’t a race, and it wasn’t a game. If this wasn’t done correctly, or if it was done too fast, it would get very painful very quickly.

 

Mickey’s face was screwed up in absolute bliss, mixed with a slight hint of pain when his rim reached Ian’s middle knuckles. Ian didn’t ask him if he was okay, he didn’t ask him if he was sure. Instead he just spoke lowly, breath fanning those perfect, parted lips;

 

“You’re doing so good, baby” He stated, continuing to push a little bit more. Mickey was breathing heavily by now, body covered in a thick layer of sweat and grime by the time all of Ian’s fingers were inside of him; all that he needed to do was push a tiny, tiny bit more to go in all the way; to have Mickey’s rim close around his wrist.

 

His heavy, forced breaths hit Ian’s tongue over and over, and then finally, he did it; Ian pushed the very last bit, getting his entire hand inside of his fiancé. He could feel his inner walls close around him, clench and unclench, his body trying to figure out how to handle this foreign feeling. Mickey was moving his hips ever so slightly, moan after moan falling out through his parted lips, eyes clenched shut in pleasure. All of this was oh so much more than overwhelming, but it felt so fucking good.

 

Ian lifted his head a little bit, observing Mickey’s beautiful expression of pure sex. Then - ever so slowly - he started spreading his fingers, not all the way of course. Just a little bit at a time, pressing against the ridges of Mickey’s inner walls, causing louder groans to escape his lips, sounding as if he was in some completely other space. Another world.

 

Ian was about to press a little bit more, but right then and there, Mickey came. It was as if his entire body vibrated, thrumming and shaking through his high, tons of profanity flying out through his mouth, so rushed that Ian could just barely decipher the words. His fists clenched the sheets next to him, heaps of come spraying out in between their chests.

 

Ian kept his hand inside of him, using his free hand to rub smooth, reassuring circles onto the skin of his hip, gently leading him through the orgasm. When it was finally over, Mickey’s entire body relaxed, almost as if he passed out, although Ian knew that he was just completely worn out. He swallowed roughly, pressing a soft, loving kiss to the chapped lips before he bit by bit eased his hand out of Mickey’s abused hole. Mickey sighed at the loss, but his eyes never opened.

 

When Ian eased up the bed, Mickey immediately turned, curling himself around his body, burying his face in the crook of his neck as if he tonight just wanted to be vulnerable. Open. Ian wrapped his arms around his love, holding him as close as he possibly could. After a beat, he dipped his head, placing his mouth against the black hair.

 

“Happy birthday, baby”


	39. Hanging By A Single Thread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yevgeny was more than aware of the fact that pressing pause on his life wasn’t going to get him anywhere. Whenever he went back to his physical college, everything would still be there. Charlie, his friends, his memories. The girls he had betrayed Charlie with - all of it.

Come Monday morning, the Milkovich family routine rolled on as usual; at seven am, Mickey was down in the kitchen, the coffee machine set to make twelve cups as he opened and closed the fridge and cupboards, grabbing different cereal boxes, placing the milk and orange juice out onto the kitchen island, making sure that breakfast would be served whenever Ian and the kids would be down.

 

For some reason, he felt light - even happier than usual. Maybe it was the spring outside, or maybe it was the promise of a set future together with Ian, but he had been feeling this way for quite a few days now. It was nice; it felt good.

 

He and Ian - and Mandy, because god knows he would have to kill her to get her to stay out of it - should probably start planning the actual wedding soon. Date, music, all that shit. But for now, Mickey was kind of content just being engaged. He wanted to bask in that for a few more days before they all would inevitably start bickering about what flavor the cake should be.

 

By the time somebody else joined him in the kitchen, Mickey had already sat down by the island with his cup of coffee. The large Metallica t shirt that Yevgeny always slept in was still hanging off of his skinny frame, a pair of grey sweatpants hugging his legs ever so slightly. His bleach blonde hair was tied up on top of his head, a few curly strands falling down over his forehead. Mickey looked up at his oldest son, unable to keep the lump in his throat from growing.

 

In fact, he was happy that the other three people living in this house still seemed to be asleep, because he had been putting off this talk for way too long. As much as he loved Yevgeny - and he did, more than he would ever be able to describe in words - this wasn’t healthy. Sure, Yevgeny was talking. He ate and he smiled. But there was something in his eyes. Something sad, some kind of light that had been turned off.

 

“There’s coffee” Mickey spoke, and his son nodded, muttering something along the lines of ‘Yeah. Thanks’ as he walked around his father’s back, pouring himself a cup. “Hey, um…” Mickey had been on his phone, scrolling through his emails, but now he locked the device, placing it face down onto the marble counter in front of him.

 

Mickey had to admit, he didn’t really like having these talks, but sometimes they were necessary. Yevgeny may be old enough to drink by now, but he would always be his little boy. There would never come a time when Mickey wouldn’t feel responsible for him anymore. He would always do anything and everything in his power to make sure that Yevgeny - all of his kids, for that matter - were happy.

 

“Sit down for a minute, alright, bud?” At those words, Yevgeny walked around to the other side of the kitchen island again, bearing a slight frown on his face as he sat down opposite of his father so that they could talk.

 

“What?” The tattoo-covered man asked, hands curled around the large, blue ceramic coffee mug; he could feel the heat burn his palms just ever so slightly as he lifted it up to his mouth, taking a sip. Mickey kept his gaze on his son for a moment, trying to figure out the best way to start this.

 

Sure, he had raised three kids, and they were all practically adults by now - meaning that he had been through it all with them; school dances, heartbreaks, first kisses, and ‘the talk’s. And he had had to have a lot of other talks with them too. About a lot of different things. But somehow Mickey felt as if he never got better at it. Alas, he knew that he didn’t have a choice; so he swallowed and then he started speaking.

 

“Yev, you know I love you. Alright? Unconditionally. I always will. No matter what” Yevgeny frowned, the ash-blond eyebrows knitting together a little bit.

 

It wasn’t that he didn’t know that his father loved him, of course he did. But he could also always tell when his dad was being serious, and when he was building up the courage to tell him or his siblings something important, which was why he was starting to become confused. He wasn’t really sure what the older man could be getting at.

 

“You’re not doing so good, are you?” Mickey finally asked, watching his son’s face straighten out at the words, his hand tightening around the mug as he swallowed. Their eye contact broke as the younger man looked down into the black ocean, shoulders lifting a little bit into some kind of a shrug. “Bud, if you need anything, you know that we’re all here…” Yevgeny’s father continued. “But I also… Man, maybe dropping out of school isn’t the best idea. I get it if it hurts, but pressing pause isn’t gonna help you move on.” Mickey spoke honestly.

 

Halfway through the last sentence, Yevgeny looked up again, their eyes connecting. Mickey could see the pain, and it came right back, because when his kids hurt, he hurt. The truth was that Yevgeny had been home for the better part of a whole month by now, and it was starting to worry Mickey a little bit. He had never really done this before - skipped out on his life because it was becoming painful or difficult to deal with.

 

Both men were silent for a while; the kitchen was so quiet that Mickey could almost hear the wheels turning inside of his son’s head, trying to make sense of the words - trying to figure out whether he agreed or not.

 

After probably three whole minutes though, a loud sigh fell out of his mouth, and he gave his dad another shrug as he shifted his gaze back down into his coffee mug.

 

Yevgeny was more than aware of the fact that pressing pause on his life wasn’t going to get him anywhere. Whenever he went back to his physical college, everything would still be there. Charlie, his friends, his memories. The girls he had betrayed Charlie with - all of it. But as much as he knew all of that, he couldn’t deny the fact that being home felt good.

 

It wasn’t even about avoiding his real life.

 

Yevgeny missed his dad so fucking much whenever he was in California. He missed his mom, he missed his siblings. He even missed Ian, and all of his friends that were still here in Miami. Being at home, waking up in one of the two beds he had slept in growing up. Walking outside and seeing that one crooked palm-tree, all of it. He loved it here and he missed it so much whenever he was away.

 

So yeah, maybe a part of him was avoiding Charlie, his life at Pepperdine. But an even bigger part of him just wanted to come home. For real.

 

“What’s on your mind?” Mickey asked when he noticed that his son quite obviously wasn’t going to give him a verbal answer any time soon.

 

Yevgeny swallowed, shrugging again. He wasn’t quite sure how to explain all of this to his dad. Sure, he knew that Mickey would try to understand, he had always been an amazing father, for as long as he could remember. He was kind and he loved and cared. And Yevgeny also knew that if he said that he wanted to come home, that he wasn’t all that happy at college, then that would be okay. His father would never try to stop him from making his own choices.

 

But at the same time… how the fuck was Yevgeny supposed to explain this to somebody else? He was just barely starting to figure out his feelings for himself.

 

“I’m okay” Yevgeny eventually settled on. “I promise, dad. I just…” Another sigh escaped his lips as he let go of his coffee cup, running his hands over his head, taking the rubber band up and tying the white strands back up even tighter before he continued speaking. “I have a fuck on of shit on my mind” He spoke, the words brutally honest. “I’ll figure it out. And I’m not dropping out. I email assignments in every few days, I’m not that behind”

 

That fact made Mickey feel a little bit better, and he nodded as he swallowed a large gulp of his own coffee.

 

“Alright” He spoke. “Well um, if you do need help with anything, you’d come to me right? Or your mom - or Ian, just… we’re all here for you, you know that” Mickey felt the need to remind his son. Yevgeny nodded, wiping a small, reassuring smile onto his lips.

 

“I know. Thanks, dad”

 

That’s as far as they got before the twins trudged into the kitchen, Ian not following very far behind.

 

Tired ‘Hello’s and ‘Morning’s echoed throughout the room, and Brian and Briana both sat down on either side of their older brother, each of them pouring their own bowl of cereal. Mickey stayed seated, and Ian walked over to his fiancé, his hand landing on the small of his back as he dipped his head, placing a soft kiss to the shorter man’s temple.

 

Mickey let his eyes fall closed, enjoying the display of affection for a moment.

 

As much as he would like to be able to help Yevgeny, save for what he was going through, Mickey had to admit that his life was pretty damn near perfect at this point. He wasn’t naive enough to believe that it always would be, of course. But instead of fearing the moment when it would crack, he had since long decided to just appreciate the current peace.

 

“You okay?” Ian whispered, able to see the frown on his love’s face from a mile away. Mickey just swallowed though, moving his head slightly up and down a few times.

 

“I’m good” He promised, turning his head to look up into the deep, green eyes.

 

A small, kind smile was placed out over Ian’s lips, and Mickey’s eyes flickered down to his mouth for a moment. As in love with Ian as he was - and always would be - sometimes, at completely unexpected times, he felt as if he fell a little bit further, even though that shouldn’t technically be possible.

 

The deep love that he carried around for this man was so immense that he wasn’t sure how he was managing to survive it - how anything at all could feel like this.

 

Mickey tilted his chin slightly further upwards, silently asking for a good morning kiss. Ian easily gave it to him, their lips slotting together in an innocent, soft kiss. Mickey placed his hand flat against Ian’s face, feeling the roughness of the beard under his palm.

 

Ian definitely made sure to keep it trimmed, but he hadn’t actually shaved everything off once in weeks - mainly because he was well aware of how much his fiancé loved it, of course.

 

The rest of the morning continued rolling on within their regular routine; the twins were the first ones to leave, and Yevgeny wasn’t too far after, deciding to go over to his mother’s house for today because he had some assignments he needed to make sure to get done, and it was the only place that he had a desk - the one he had had at his father’s house was now standing in his apartment in California.

 

Mickey left about five minutes after his eldest son, dropping a goodbye kiss to Ian’s lips. Fifteen minutes later, Ian had to push himself out the doors well, and soon the entire Milkovich family was moving forwards with their day.

 

  
By the time lunchtime rolled around, Mickey was once again in his car. The truth was that he really didn’t mind his job, but that was just it - it was his job.

 

The last thing he wanted to do on his free-time - even if it was just the hour and a half he had for lunch - was spend it with his colleagues. They all talked way too much, and frankly, they asked too deep questions as well. Mickey liked to separate his professional life from his personal one.

 

Although, instead of just sitting in his car and eating his lunch, he decided to drive home today. It wasn’t unusual for him to do so, it just kind of depended on how many tasks he had to get done that day.

 

Sometimes he would just eat really fast and then go back to work within ten minutes even though he didn’t have to. On this particular day, though, he barely had anything important to do. He had had a meeting this morning, and he had another one about three hours from now, the rest was just paperwork.

 

Mickey kept one hand on the wheel as he reached up, running the flat palm of his right one over his face, attempting to rub some of the sleep out of his eyes. He really didn’t mind his job, it was fine - he could think of a lot more boring things.

 

But that didn’t change the fact that it was work, and he loved these days when he could have an hour - once in a while he even dragged it out to two - to himself. He always came back in happier and stronger.

 

Mickey jumped slightly, being torn out of his own head by his phone ringing, the little display in the car showing Ian’s name. He swallowed, pressing accept as he continued driving home.

 

“Hey, babe” Mickey spoke easily, his eyes staying glued to the flat road ahead of him.

 

 _“Hey, Mick”_ Ian’s voice filled the car, and a smile appeared on his face at the sound. A while back, Mickey probably would have tried to fight it, the truth was that if the simple sound of Ian’s voice could make him want to smile, then he was just lucky to have something like that. Someone like that. He shouldn’t try to fight it at all. _“Are you in the car?”_ He asked then, probably hearing the slight roaring of the engine.

 

“Uh…yeah” Mickey confirmed. “Going back home for an hour or some shit, I needed a break. You alright?” He asked, placing his right hand back onto the wheel and lifting his left one off instead, his elbow resting against the L in the car window, palm pressed against his temple as he got closer and closer to the house.

 

 _“I’m fine, I was just calling to say hi. I miss you”_ Mickey’s smile turned into a grin, a happy sigh escaping his nose at the words. Ian was cheesy - they both were, when he thought about it - but they were so fucking happy and so in love, they were allowed to be a little bit cheesy.

 

“I miss you too”

 

 _“Are you far from home?”_ Ian asked then, and Mickey shook his head out of habit, despite the fact that his fiancé obviously couldn’t see him.

 

“Five minutes, maybe. Why?”

 

_“No reason. See you tonight?”_

 

“Yeah. I love you”

 

_“I love you too, baby”_

 

They hung up, and soon Mickey was pulling up onto the driveway, feeling his entire being relax at the relief of finally being home, even if it was just for a little bit. He left his bag in the car, making sure to push it down onto the floor so that it wouldn’t be visible just in case somebody decided to look and see whether the car was worth breaking into. He pressed the button on the little key, hearing the click confirming that the vehicle was locked right as he opened the front door to the house, walking inside.

 

The leather jacket that Ian had gifted him for christmas was hanging safely off his shoulders, and Mickey put the car-keys into the pocket before sliding the leather piece off of his body, hanging it up on one of the little books right by the door.

 

It felt kind of strange to be in the house when it was like this; empty. It was rare that Mickey - or anybody in the family, for that matter - was home by themselves.

 

Especially since Ian had walked back into his life. It crossed Mickey’s mind to turn the television on just to have some kind of sound filling the house, but he decided against it, if only for the fact that it felt nice to bask in the silence for a minute.

 

He walked into the kitchen, thoughts kind of all over the place as he opened the fridge, looking to see what he could find to eat for lunch.

 

There wasn’t too much - he made a mental note to go grocery shopping some time soon. He just had to make sure that he had the time to go on his own, because literally every single one of the other people in his family were way too hungry and it got way too expensive.

 

Mickey had just started pouring himself a glass of orange juice by the time the backdoor swung open, catching his attention.

 

“Hey” He greeted surprised. “What are you doing h - “ Mickey was successfully shut up by Ian walking around to his side of the kitchen island and crashing their lips together in a kiss made up of nothing but tongues, teeth and saliva. Despite his shock, Mickey expertly melted into the act, his arms slipping around his fiancé’s middle as they explored each other’s mouths, both of them ending up out of breath within five seconds. “What the fuck?” Mickey asked with a laugh when Ian finally let the kiss break.

 

His arms stayed wrapped around the taller man, though; just as Ian’s palms were pressed against the sides of his face, their lips hovering inches away from each other’s. The redhead swallowed, shrugging slightly as he captured Mickey’s lips in another perfect kiss. Mickey was the one to break this one.

 

“The house is empty” Ian stated. “And I’m fucking horny” A chuckle sounded in the base of Mickey’s throat, and despite the obvious growing bulge in his jeans, he shook his head.

 

“Man, I was gonna eat” He let his partner know as he attempted to turn his head to nod towards the food that was spread out over the kitchen island. Ian kept his head in a soft grip, though, his tongue darting out to wet his bottom lip as he let his eyes wander over Mickey’s beautiful face.

 

“Screw the food, Mick. I’ll drive you back and get you something on the way. Just…” Ian trailed off, sucking Mickey’s lips back in between his own, this time finding zero resistance on the shorter man’s part.

 

Instead Mickey easily slipped his tongue deep into Ian’s mouth, drinking in the intoxicating taste of the love of his life; his hands curling into tight fists, bringing the thin, grey material of Ian’s henley with them, trying desperately to tug them even closer. Ian let go of Mickey’s face, bit by bit sliding his hands further down his body until they were resting on the back of his jean-clad thighs.

 

Mickey immediately caught onto what he was getting at and jumped up, wrapping his legs around his torso, the kiss never once breaking. Ian pulled away from the kiss, only for the sole purpose of tugging Mickey’s bottom lip in between his own, letting it go with a beautiful ‘plop’ sound before he went in for more, the kiss deepening. Ian turned around and started walking down the hallway towards the stairs, and Mickey kept the kiss going, sliding his tongue together over Ian’s, exploring his mouth.

 

Ian tightened his grip on Mickey’s thighs a little bit as the started walking up the staircase, loving the feel of his favorite body part despite the fact that there was currently a thick layer of denim separating them. Mickey soon broke the kiss, instead moving his lips to his fiancé’s jawline.

 

Ian let out a choked moan at the feeling of having Mickey’s hot tongue on his skin, his lips sucking and creating what would surely be a pretty bad hickey.

 

They did their best to avoid marking these days - what with kids running in and out of the house - but in this time they were too caught up in the moment to give a fuck. Mickey grazed his teeth over the patch of skin, dragging another muffled groan out of Ian’s mouth right as he carried him into the bedroom.

 

Ian easily kicked the door closed behind them, easing Mickey down to stand on his own at the same time as he pushed his face out of his neck, crashing their lips back together instead. A contented hum sounded in the very base of the shorter man’s throat, loving the feel of Ian’s perfect lips in between his own.

 

No matter how many millions of times they had kissed in the past, it would never cease to amaze him how his body reacted to this man. To this day, he still wasn’t quite sure how it was possible for one single person to be so fucking perfect for someone else.

 

It didn’t take very long before both of their shirts had been peeled off of their bodies, thrown down onto the floor.

 

Mickey kept his arms wrapped around Ian’s body, his hands running all over his back, taking in every shape and dip in the skin as they continued exposing each other’s mouths, the room feeling tense in the absolute best way. Ian’s hands were placed on the back of Mickey’s neck, tugging slightly at the black strands as they stumbled closer to the bed.

 

It was Mickey who pushed Ian backwards, making him land onto the soft mattress; the taller man eased himself up a little bit so that his legs weren’t hanging off the edge, and then his partner climbed on top of him, resuming the searing makeout session that had been broken in the fall.

 

Their tongues expertly slid over each other, saliva blending together into a complete mess as Mickey reached down, undoing his fiancé’s jeans and attempting to tug them down his legs, eager to get to it.

 

With kids and jobs, they rarely had the time to do much of this anymore - the hot, spur of the moment kind of fucking that their relationship had once upon a time been completely built off of.

 

Finally, Mickey gave up and realized that they had to pull apart if they wanted to get naked any time soon. A slight groan of frustration rolled in the base of his throat and with one last, deep kiss, he rolled off of his fiancé’s body, standing up so that he could get rid of his own jeans and boxers, watching Ian quickly do the same.

 

Once pants and boxers had joined their shirts on the floor, Mickey climbed back up onto the bed, straddling Ian’s torso.

 

Ian immediately placed his hands onto the back of his neck, tugging him down for another deep, sloppy kiss, their tongues crashing together, his fingers buried deep into the black hair on top of his partner’s head. Mickey started rocking downwards a little bit, their cocks sliding over each other, dragging appreciative groans out of both men.

 

Mickey’s mind was completely shut off, focusing on nothing but the amazing man beneath him as they melted into one, rocking into each other, their tongues sliding together over and over again, the makeout session continuing even stronger than before.

 

The room was filled with quiet sounds; Ian’s moans, Mickey’s groans; the ever so slight squeak of the bed frame as they moved around. Their eyes stayed closed, lips on each other’s as Ian let a hand leave the back of Mickey’s neck in favor of reaching over to his nightstand, getting a hold of the lube.

 

He blindly handed it over to his fiancé, their lips not breaking apart for one single second as Mickey squeezed a little bit out into his fingertips, reaching down in between them to wrap a firm hand around Ian’s erection, giving him a few good strokes, making sure that he was slicked up enough.

 

A few, mewled moans escaped Ian’s lips at the touch, and Mickey swallowed the moans, exploring his mouth with his tongue as he prepared him.

 

Eventually, though, they did have to stop the kiss. Their swollen lips pulled apart, and Ian forced himself not to complain about it; as much as he loved kissing Mickey, they were kind of on a time crunch right now, they didn’t have all the time in the world as they usually did.

 

Mickey straightened up a little bit, blinking down into the beautiful green eyes as he reached behind himself, placing the tip of Ian’s cock against his entrance. At the feeling, Ian’s teeth dug into the inside of his bottom lip, his body throbbing in anticipation. He had been craving this ever since the very second he had opened his eyes today.

 

Mickey swallowed, and Ian placed his hands firmly onto his waist, making sure that the grip was steady but not hard to the point where his partner would bruise - this wasn’t the time for that. Their eyes stayed locked on each other’s as Ian pushed a little bit, helping Mickey with the task of sinking down onto his cock. Mickey’s palms were resting flat against the upper part of Ian’s chest, but curled into tight fists as he felt himself being filled up in the best way, Ian’s cock stretching him out the last bit.

 

Both men tried to keep their eyes on each other’s but ultimately - as Ian finally bottomed out inside of his fiancé - that proved to be all but a completely impossible task. Ian’s eyes fell closed, and Mickey tilted his head upwards, his body clenching and unclenching around the cock inside of him, attempting to get used to the feeling of being connected like this again.

 

As Mickey lifted himself up, Ian tightened his grip on his body, giving him some physical support when he started riding him.

 

They had done this countless times, it didn’t take very long before Mickey had picked up a good, medium pace, bouncing on his partner’s cock, dragging muffled moans and groans out of both of them. Ian’s fingertips dug into the perfect, pale flesh of Mickey’s body, the green eyes clenched closed as pleasure took over his body. Sometimes he would have the self-discipline to keep his eyes open when Mickey rode him - that had to be one of the most perfect views in the entire world.

 

Although, on other occasions - like now - he was way too horny to do something like that. Instead he just let himself get completely lost in his fiancé’s perfect body, his blood coursing throughout his veins in the best possible way.

 

Mickey’s head was still tilted upwards, his eyes clenched closed, teeth digging into his bottom lip to roughly that he could almost taste blood as he continued to ride Ian as if his life depended on it, that perfect cock slamming into him over and over again. His vocal chords felt as if they were completely knotted up, unable to produce any kind of sound other man uncontrollable moans and the occasional cry whenever the tip of Ian’s cock managed to brush against his prostate.

 

They had both been so horny that neither of them could feel themselves lasting at all as long as they usually did when they fucked. Within a few minutes, both of them were stumbling closer and closer to the edge. Ian tightened his grip further and started thrusting his hips in time to meet Mickey’s movements, fucking up into his body, coaxing the most beautiful cries out of his mouth. Pretty soon, Mickey stopped moving and instead let Ian take over despite the fact that he was still straddling his body.

 

Ian continued moving his hips upwards at a fast pace, stabbing Mickey’s prostate with every single thrust, the room being clouded with grunts and draws out curse words.

 

Soon enough, they both stumbled over the edge simultaneously. Mickey’s hands were curled into tight fists, knuckles whitening as shots of hot come spurted out of his cock, covering part of both his own chest and Ian’s. Ian’s hands clenched around Mickey’s waist, his eyes screwed shut in pleasure as he emptied his load into his fiancé, neither of them moving much of a muscle as they both thrummed, shook and cried through it.

 

  
Minutes later, Mickey was curled up against Ian’s body, the long, safe, freckly arms wrapped around his own as they did their best to catch their breath. Mickey could feel a steady stream of come leak out of his ass, but he couldn’t bring himself to give much of a fuck. He was too tired, too dazed.

 

“How long until you have to go?” Ian asked, voice shaky as he was still completely fucked out. Mickey swallowed, doing his best to shrug despite how difficult that task was as he was laying down.

 

“Ten minutes probably” He answered unhappily. If he could stay like this forever, god knows he fucking would. It felt safe. Warm.

 

“Can I ask you something?” Mickey hummed as a yes. “After we’re married… Do you want to have the same last-name?”

 

The dark eyebrows drew together as he lifted his head, looking down into the deep, wondering green eyes. Last-names. It actually hadn’t even crossed his mind once. Granted, it probably should have, but he had always been Mickey Milkovich, and Ian had always been Ian Gallagher. No matter how nice it would sound to be Mr. and Mr. something, he couldn’t help but think that it would be difficult to get used to.

 

Not to mention the fact that every single one of his kids had one last name. Well - technically Brian and Briana were Cabrera-Milkovich but they usually chose not to include their mother’s name, if only for the fact that it would end up so long.

 

“Because…” Ian continued with a smile on his lips, reaching a hand up to brush a few of the longer black strands behind his fiancé’s ear. “I was thinking that Ian Milkovich… would sound kind of nice”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know, guys. Was this alright? 
> 
> <3


	40. She'll Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Briana’s stomach was stirring in the most uncomfortable way, her throat starting to tighten as she saw no real end to the darkness. The small heels of her shoes continued clicking against the ground, the sound echoing; bouncing in between the two walls as the girl was showing no signs of slowing down.

_Briana swallowed roughly, her arm wrapped around herself as her shoes tapped against the concrete over and over again at a fast pace, her heart punching her ribcage in unison. Her hair had grown out a little bit since she had let her aunt chop it off a few months back, and the long, dark locks were draped over her shoulders and down her back, swaying along with her hurried steps as she rushed to get away from this place._

 

_The dark alley was wrapped around her, somehow weighing her down, tiring her out. She didn’t like dark spaces, nor did she like skinny spaces; this was all but her worst nightmare. The girl kept her back straight, chin held somewhat high; her hand was placed on the right side of herself, curling into a fist and bringing the fake leather material of her jacket with it, almost as if she was hugging herself._

 

_Briana’s stomach was stirring in the most uncomfortable way, her throat starting to tighten as she saw no real end to the darkness. The small heels of her shoes continued clicking against the ground, the sound echoing; bouncing in between the two walls as the girl was showing no signs of slowing down. She needed to get out of here; as soon as possible._

 

_Her head was pounding ever so slightly with the small amount of alcohol she had consumed, her eyes starting to fill up with stinging tears. Her hand tightened around the slick material of her jacket as she did her best to speed up a little bit, unable to shake the feeling of somebody watching her._

 

  
**20 hours earlier**

 

“Did you mean it?” Mickey asked, swallowing. He was flat on his back, his fiancé blinking down at him, both pairs of lips slightly parted. The morning sun was shining in through the bare window, warming the few parts of their naked bodies that the covers had slipped off of. Simple moments like these had to be when Mickey loved his life the most. “What you said yesterday?” He then clarified, as if it had been necessary at all.

 

After Ian had voiced his thoughts on the whole last name dilemma yesterday, Mickey hadn’t really been given much time for a reply as they had both needed to get back to their jobs. And the truth was that he was thankful for that fact, because he didn’t know what answer was the correct one. He wasn’t sure how he felt about the idea. Sure, on one hand it would truly feel great that they all had the same last name. That they would all be the Milkovich family, no ins, ands or buts.

 

But on the other side of things, there was the fact that Ian had always been Ian Gallagher. Period. Mickey was Mickey Milkovich, and Ian was Ian Gallagher. It would be really fucking strange to start calling him Ian Milkovich - even if it did sound kind of nice, as he had said.

 

Ian’s eyebrows traveled a little bit closer together into a frown as he brushed a few of the black strands up and off of Mickey’s forehead, giving him an even better view of the deep, perfect blue eyes. Sometimes he guessed that it still blew his mind. How far they had come. ‘You’re nothing but a warm mouth to me’ Mickey had once told him. ‘I want the shit talking, bitch slapping, piece of south side trash I fell for’ He had once thrown right back.

 

Random moments like these… when they were just in bed, doing literally nothing - that was when he truly could absorb how much he loved this man. They had both been through so much shit together, they had both said so many nasty things and made so many mistakes, yet somehow - they were here.

 

At thirty nine and forty years old, they were together. They were happy, they had a house full of kids - whether Ian had missed out on the first seventeen and a half years of their lives or not, somehow they were still his kids. Their kids. All of it - the house, the family, his job - it was so much more than Ian had ever been able to hope for, and sharing it with Mickey just made it all the better.

 

“Yeah” Ian finally spoke, his head moving slightly up and down in a nod to help him make his point. His voice shook slightly with the word, almost as if he couldn’t quite believe that Mickey was really asking him if he was sure, if he had meant it.

 

Of course he had meant it. If there was a way that he could be even more a part of this beautiful family, then he’d take it. And no matter what background, the name Milkovich actually wasn’t too bad. He liked it - he would probably have liked it even if he wasn’t in love with Mickey.

 

“If… you’d be comfortable with it, of course” Ian made sure to add then.

 

Mickey continued blinking up at his love, his eyebrows slightly furrowed, teeth nudging on the inside of his bottom lip as Ian could all but see the thoughts fly around his head as if it were a racetrack. It wasn’t that Mickey wouldn’t like them to be a clearer family, he would. But… he was kind of scared too.

 

As much as he had grown and started to let go of his fears by now, he still hung on to that small stream of fear that if he let himself be happy - if he and Ian not only got married, but made sure that they had the same last name and all that shit - well, then maybe something would happen.

 

Maybe Mickey didn’t deserve all of that after all. He knew that it was stupid, of course. But it was something that he was still very much working through.

 

“I would” Mickey finally assured him through a deep breath. Fears aside, there was just about nothing in this world that he wanted more than for Ian and him to have the same last name; for them to be married, and a real and clear, established family. “It sounds…” He continued, their eyes still very deep into each other’s. “Good. Really fucking good”

 

At the words, a large grin was pulled out over Ian’s lips, and Mickey couldn’t help but return it, his left hand now laced together with Ian’s right one on the pillow above their heads. A part of Ian wanted to kiss Mickey, but he restrained for now. He was kind of enjoying just looking; taking him in.

 

Twenty years ago, Mickey probably would have started growling at the seemingly used pause button, but now he didn’t mind it all too much. Maybe it had to do with the fact that they were both getting older, or maybe it was just that they were in such a strong place in their relationship - either way, Mickey was really comfortable in small, somehow fluffy gestures by now. Long lasting gazes, or kisses dropped onto the bridge of his nose, it didn’t matter.

 

Finally, though, Ian tightened his hold on Mickey’s hand and dipped his head to slot their lips safely together. A small, appreciative hum sounded in the base of Mickey’s throat as he let his eyes drift closed, drinking in the feeling. He knew now - and he had known for a long time - that it wouldn't matter how many years he and Ian were together, how many times they fucked or how many kisses they shared. They would never lose this - them. This connection. It would always be there.

 

Soon, their hands slipped apart and Mickey swiftly laced his arms around his fiancé’s neck, holding him close as he felt two strong, warm hands make their way down his body and towards his thighs. Their tongues slid easily and smoothly over each other as they rolled through the sheets, completely melting into one.

 

  
Yevgeny’s eyebrows were furrowed, his right hand scratching through the untamed, damaged strands of his bleach blond hair, eyes staring down onto his iphone screen. The morning sun was starting to seep through the thin material of the black curtains, creating somewhat of a dim lighting in his room.

 

The covers were pooled around his body, one of his old, torn up ‘the who’ t shirts draped over his skinny frame as his mind spun. When he had sent that text over to Charlie, he had seen that as the end of it. The end to the pain the end to… them. As much as it hurt, at the time, that was what they had both needed.

 

Now though; quite a long time afterwards - he still hadn’t gotten an answer back and the truth was that it was starting to drive him a little bit crazy. Yevgeny was more than aware that it wasn't fair, if Charlie didn’t feel as if she wanted to spend her time typing out a message back to her (ex?) boyfriend, then she didn’t have to.

 

But at the same time, they had shared a lot together. Yevgeny had hoped - albeit maybe subconsciously - that he would at least get a ‘Yeah. I feel the same way. Hope you have a good life.’ in return. Was that way too much to ask of her? Well… maybe, he realized.

 

Charlie didn’t owe him shit, and the fact that she obviously was very aware of that fact just made it all the more clear why he had ended up falling for her to begin with. She was strong and confident, and sexy and beautiful - and if there was one thing that she would never in her entire life do, it was let a man mess with her feelings, mess with her head and her heart.

 

As much as Yevgeny admired all of these qualities and more, though - she could also be stubborn as fuck, and that fact only made his part in this whole thing even more difficult. How was he supposed to figure all of this out? One minute he felt as if he loved her and had to have her back, and the next one he was just shrugging the whole thing off. It didn’t make any sense. Knowing how you feel about somebody should be simple, it shouldn’t feel this way.

 

Love - if that was what this was - shouldn’t be questions and uncertainty. It should be passion and hope and trust and all of that shit; it should be… well… love. But then, of course, Yevgeny constantly came back to listening to his father’s words echoing through his head.

 

The ones that he had spoken about how important it was to fight for somebody instead of just bouncing around from person to person, trying desperately to find something special. ‘You’re never going to find it if you keep doing that’ his father had once told him, and Yevgeny had to admit that it made sense.

 

If you fought for somebody hard enough, then maybe one day they would be that special? Maybe if Yevgeny continued fighting for Charlie, if he did his absolute best to win her back, then perhaps at some point they would have what his dad and Ian had. He could dream, at least.

 

But then again, while fighting for somebody may be an important part of building something strong, you couldn't just fight for anybody. You couldn't just go up to a random person and say that ‘You’re the person I want to spend the rest of my life with’. Could you? And if you could, wouldn’t that just be crazy, and in the end not special at all?

 

Maybe that was Yevgeny’s problem - maybe all of this mess just added up to the fact that he was just that. A fucking mess. This was his life lately - sitting in his room, in the middle of his bed, his head pounding with the thoughts clouding his senses. He wished oh so badly that he could just let go of Charlie already, let them both move on but that particular task was turning out to be a fuck of a lot easier said than done.

 

Because Yevgeny loved Charlie. Sure - at the moment he may not have the ability to love her the way that she needed him to, but that didn't mean that he didn’t love her with every single fiber of his being. He did. At least he thought he did. Although, it was possible that he really didn’t, he supposed. He was just barely of the legal age to drink, what the fuck did he know about love?

 

  
It was still fairly early in the morning by the time Ian pushed himself out of bed; Mickey had since long fallen back into a deep sleep, hugging his fiancé’s pillow close to his chest, seemingly breathing in his scent. Ian made sure to move slowly and be quiet as he got some clothes onto his body, hoping that he wouldn’t end up waking the older man, he could be quite cranky when that happened.

 

Successfully, though, within five minutes or so, Ian’s teeth were clean and he was leaving his sleeping fiancé in their room in favor to walk down the stairs, his stomach practically begging him for something to eat. Ian’s feet felt heavy, sleep still traveling throughout his veins as he reached up, running a hand through the semi-long strands of red hair on top of his head.

 

He took the staircase with ease, albeit his feet hitting the wood a little bit harder than usual. he was just about to take an immediate right and walk the short hallway into the kitchen, but instead he stopped, something catching his eye.

 

Yevgeny was sitting on the couch, his back rested against the armrest, his blond bedhead almost taller than his actual head. Ian couldn’t see further down than his chin thanks to the back of the couch, but it looked as if he had his gaze locked onto his lap, most likely scrolling through his phone.

 

The daylight was shining in through the large windows, creating somewhat of an angelic glow throughout the silent house. Mickey, along with the twins were still asleep, and Ian couldn’t help but frown as he wondered why Yevgeny was up so early - he was usually one of the ones who liked to sleep in the longest.

 

“Yev?” Ian asked after surely the better part of a minute. The younger man seemed a little bit startled and surprised by his stepfather’s sudden entrance; before he looked up at him, he wiped his hand over the upper part of his face, and Ian’s frown grew even a little bit deeper as their eyes connected and he noticed the tired, sad, red areas around his eyes. “What’s wrong?” He asked, slowly making his way over to the couch and around so that he could sit down on the coffee table, facing the tattooed boy.

 

Yevgeny’s tongue darted out to wet his lips, and Ian noticed his red cheeks along with the striped down them, indicating that he had been crying for quite a while before Ian had come down here. The younger man’s legs had been spread out across the length of the couch, but now he pulled them up to his chest, some of the grey fabric of his sweatpants collecting by his waist. His phone screen was still lit, the device resting in his hand as he pulled his shoulders up a little bit into some kind of a shrug.

 

“I um…” He finally started, trailing off immediately. Ian could see him blink a tear or two away, and he thought that maybe he could actually feel his own heart breaking. Dna or not, time spent apart or not - Yevgeny was his son, at least a little bit. If there was one thing he did not want to do it was see him hurt. Whether it was physically or emotionally. “This whole thing with Charlie, it’s just… it’s a fucking mess. I don’t know what to do” Yevgeny finally spoke, gaze still fixed on his now black phone screen. Ian swallowed, his head tilting slightly to the side as he ran over possible answers inside of his head.

 

“There anything I can do to help?” He settled on, at which Yevgeny gave him another shrug. They were both silent for beat before he put the phone away, sitting up a little bit straighter, eyes connecting with his stepfather’s.

 

“Things were bad… between you and dad, weren’t they?” Yevgeny asked; Ian had no visible reaction other than to blink as the unexpected question, his throat feeling ever so slightly tighter all of a sudden.

 

He really didn’t like to think about his and Mickey’s past all that much - at least not the most horrible parts. But if talking about that would somehow benefit or help Yevgeny with what he was going through, then Ian would always but his own needs aside.

 

“You fucked up” The younger man stated then, and Ian wasn’t all too sure whether it was meant as a question; he nodded though. Ian had fucked up, there was no denying that, none at all.

 

“Yeah” He answered. “Yeah, I fucked up pretty bad” At the words, Yevgeny’s dark-blond eyebrows were drawn together into somewhat of a frown, his lips parting slightly. His eyes were still stinging with the drying tears as he did his best to figure all of this out.

 

“What exactly happened?”

 

His father had told Yevgeny and his siblings a few things about what he and Ian had been like when they were younger, what a mess they had been. But none of them knew exactly what happened - they could guess, of course.

 

They were aware than Ian had been sick - or was sick. But for some reason, Yevgeny kind of felt as if he wanted to know, he wanted to have Ian’s story. Especially if Ian had been the one to fuck up, because now he and Mickey seemed stronger than ever; how the fuck had he made that happen?

 

“Are you sure you want to hear this?” Ian asked, his elbows resting on his cotton covered knees as he watched his stepson nod in assurance.

 

“Can I?” The older man swallowed, head moving up and down a few times into a nod, his eyes falling shut for a short beat as a deep exhale escaped out through his nose. The truth was that he wasn’t all too sure where he was supposed to start. Was he supposed to start with Kash, was he supposed to start with Ned? Was he supposed to start with what he had done to the very man sitting in front of him all those years ago, or was he just supposed to say that Mickey had been well within his rights not to forgive him?

 

“I um… You know I was sick, right?” He found himself say, at which Yevgeny nodded. “Well, um… I actually - I cheated” Beat. “On your dad quite a few times - I don’t remember all of it, which… maybe should make it better because of how out of it I was, but it just made - makes - me feel even worse” Ian finally pushed the words out of his mouth, getting no reaction out of Yevgeny. He just sat there, very obviously listening to every word coming out of his stepfather’s mouth.

 

Ian was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out what to tell the younger man and what not to.

 

“One time, I came home - I was manic at the time. Your dad had been waiting up for me all night… I had been out… Shooting a… movie” He continued.

 

Yevgeny’s eyebrows traveled a little bit closer together; Ian didn’t have to specify what kind of movie, the younger man understood by the way his voice shook slightly. He stayed silent, waiting for him to continue talking.

 

“That was… I think that was the moment when Mickey understood that I was really sick. He said that I had to pack my shit and that he wanted to take me to a hospital. I wouldn’t go, of course. Instead I took you and we went on a roadtrip, I don’t really remember all of it, it’s kind of a blur. But eventually they caught me and I ended up in the psych ward for a few days”

 

Yevgeny’s throat felt tight, but he knew that he wanted to hear this. For some fucked up reason, he felt as if he wanted to understand all of it.

 

And yeah… maybe it made him feel a tiny bit better that Ian had been more screwed up than him, but he had still gotten Mickey back. Then again, Yevgeny didn’t have a sickness to blame his behavior on - he was just a straight out asshole.

 

“The rest of that’s not important, Yev. But eventually I got even worse. I um… I punched him, I barked at him because he wanted to take care of me. The one day… I dumped him, and I didn’t see him again for another twenty years” Ian finished with a tiny shrug, his eyes stinging ever so slightly with unshed tears.

 

He hated remembering his and Mickey’s past, but in a way he also loved it at the same time. He loved being able to appreciate where they were now versus how terrible they had both been to each other at one point or another.

 

Both men were silent for quite a few minutes as Yevgeny let the words sink in. He had known that whatever had gone down in-between Ian and his father back then had been bad, but he hadn’t quite understood how bad. His throat still felt a little bit tight, his eyebrows fixed into a frown.

 

Obviously he wasn’t angry with his stepdad, that would be nothing but a waste of time. But he had to say that he was a little bit surprised - both at how badly Ian had fucked things up and how strong he was to sit here and talk about it despite the fact that it was quite obviously hurting him.

 

“Wow” Yevgeny finally sighed. “How the fuck did you come back from all of that?”

 

Yevgeny had some kind of a theory - while he did love Charlie more than anything, he was trying to convince himself that he didn’t. Because what if he somehow, in some magical way, convinced her to take him back?

 

What then? Would they be happy for a month? Two months? Maybe even a year, sure. But eventually he was scared that he would end up hurting her again, and that wasn’t fair.

 

Not at all.

 

Which was why he was both pushing her away and tugging her back in at the same time, and he didn’t know what was the right thing to do. A part of him wanted to call her right now and sob his apology into the receiver, begging her to forgive him. But the other part knew for sure that she could find someone much better than him. It was all completely psyching him out.

 

Ian was quiet for another beat, turning his stepson’s question over in his head a few times, trying to come up with a good answer.

 

Yeah - how did he come back from that? Looking back at it, getting Mickey back hadn’t taken longer than a few months, but it had felt like the equivalent of the time it had taken to build Rome. there were a lot of things that he had done to try to make sure that Mickey felt comfortable with him again, to convince him that he wasn’t going anywhere and that getting back together wouldn’t be a mistake.

 

In other words, Ian could sit here for the next five hours, explaining every little thing, every little secret he had used to win the love of his life back. But ultimately;

 

“I waited” Yevgeny’s frown grew even a little bit deeper at the simple answer, and he stayed quiet, waiting for a possible elaboration. Ian swallowed, a small, simple smile making its way across his lips. “I made sure that he knew that I loved him - more than anything; and that I wasn’t going anywhere. But I also didn’t… push. Pushing is never how you’re going to get someone to want to be with you”

 

“That sounds… simplistic” At that statement, Ian made a sound somewhere in between a snort and a chuckle as he shook his head a little bit, face breaking out into a grin.

 

“It’s not” He promised. “When you want someone that bad… waiting is… it’s like walking on a tightrope” Ian did his best to explain. “You know, you can’t push. But you also can’t really leave them alone so that they end up thinking you don’t care at all”

 

Yevgeny nodded a few times, thinking through the words. That made sense - a lot of sense, actually.

 

“Did I help at all?” Ian asked after a beat, a small chuckle to his voice. Yevgeny swallowed, his head moving up and nod a couple of more times as he pushed himself off of the couch.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Thanks” He spoke, and then after a beat he added the next question. “Did you um… the cheating - when did you forgive yourself?” Ian gave his stepson a small smile along with a shrug.

 

“I’ll let you know” Yevgeny’s head moved slowly up and down in understanding. He gave his stepfather a small smile, getting one in return.

 

Ian stayed seated on the coffee table as he walked out of the room, disappearing up the stairs. His head dipped a little bit, looking down at his hands as his stomach stirred. Any and every time that he talked about all the things that had happened back then - all the things he had done to Mickey, that happened. He felt sick, like a failure or just a really fucking bad person.

 

“Hi” Ian lifted his head at the words, turning to look to his left. Mickey was leaning against the wall separating the kitchen part from the livingroom, a small smile on his lips, carrying two cups of coffee.

 

Blue eyes fell onto green, and only at that simple sight, Ian could feel his heart becoming lighter. So much lighter. There was no other explanation for how he felt - how they both had always felt - other than pure magic. What they had together, that couldn’t be… it couldn’t be normal. It was so much better, so much stronger than just love.

 

“You were listening?” Ian asked, standing up and accepted the cup of steaming coffee into his right hand as his fiancé nodded.

 

“Yeah. Some of it” Mickey spoke, swallowing a gulp of the hot liquid. Ian blinked at him, his eyebrows slightly knitted.

 

In a way, he guessed that it didn’t make much sense that he still carried around the guilt of having cheated on Mickey, he knew that Mickey was well past it by now - not to mention the fact that he would never do anything like that in the right state of mind - but it was just something that he couldn’t quite help. Ian loved Mickey more than anything else in his entire life, and so of course he hated himself for having hurt him.

 

After knowing each other for the better part of their entire lives, though, of course Ian didn’t have to voice this for Mickey to understand what was going through his head.

 

He also knew that it didn’t matter how many times he assured Ian that they were okay, because cheating and distrust was a part of their past and despite the fact that Mickey had let it go - he thought that it a way maybe it made sense that Ian was turning out to have a harder time with that particular task.

 

So instead of verbally trying to make Ian feel better, Mickey took one large gulp of his coffee before putting it down onto the coffee table next to them, reaching for Ian’s and doing the same so that he could take the two steps remaining and wrap his arms securely around his waist, his cheek resting against his warm, cotton covered chest. For a second, Mickey just wanted to hold him.

 

A soft, contended sigh escaped Ian’s lips and he returned the embrace, laying his arms around his fiancé’s body, dipping his head a little bit so that he could bury the lower face in the black hair, his eyes falling closed as he breathed in the soft, comforting scent that was nothing but Mickey.

 

“I love you” Ian whispered, feeling as if he never again wanted to let go.

 

“So fucking much” Mickey finished, tightening his grip, doing his best to get even closer despite the fact that it was physically impossible. They didn’t move for probably the better part of five minutes, they just stood there, holding each other.

 

Mickey had his eyes shut, just basking in the feeling of having Ian wrapped around his body; nothing would ever be able to beat this feeling. The way every single part of him seemed to relax with the man’s touch.

 

The way the butterflies fluttered in the base of his stomach. The way Ian’s warmth seemed to warm him up in a way that nobody and nothing else possibly could. The music was flowing quietly out of the speakers, most likely it was Yevgeny who had turned it on before either of his dads had gotten up.

 

“I love this song” Their voices clouded together, making them both lift their heads, looking into each other’s eyes. Somehow, they seemed to have the exact same thought at the same time, and they didn’t even have to verbally confirm it. Small, happy smiles took over their faces.

 

“Did we just pick the song for our first dance?” Ian asked, struggling to make sure that his eyes didn’t tear up at the lyrics still reaching his ears. It was perfect. Fucking better than perfect.

 

“I think we did, yeah”

 

  
Yevgeny was startled out of his sleep by his ringtone pouring out into the darkness of his bedroom. A loud groan sounded in the base of his throat, his head starting to pound in the worst possible way by the loud noise. It crossed his mind to leave it alone, but he ended up flipping onto his back instead, his eyes cracking open. He swallowed roughly, trying to bring some of the sleep out of his body as he turned his head to the left, seeing his alarm clock blink 02:00am.

 

A loud, annoyed sigh filled the room as he finally eased himself to sit up a little bit, a few blonde strands of hair falling in front of his face as he reached for his phone, pressing accept and holding it up to his ear. Immediately, his sister’s voice poured through the receiver, making him go from annoyed to terrified within seconds.

 

_“Bro? Bro, I need you to pick me up. Please. Please help me”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are as always very appreciated! I love hearing your thoughts and opinions! I hope you all have an amazing day! xo


	41. Take A Little Look At The Face Of Miss Always Invisible

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Briana felt as if she wanted to cry, but she couldn’t. Now, more than ever she realized how true her own words had been. ‘It’s always gonna stick with us. It’s never gonna be the same again’ she had said. Here it was; sticking with her.

“What? Bri, what are you talking about, where are you?” Yevgeny asked alarmed, already out of bed and tugging a pair of sweatpants on doing his best to try to remember where his father usually left his car-keys these days.

 

A few, thick and damaged strands of the bleached hair fell in front of his eyes, and he reached up, brushing them back again before he found one of his old hairties right before exiting his bedroom, getting ready to go and save his sister from whatever was going on.

 

 _“I’m…”_ Briana spoke, voice muffled through the receiver. Yevgeny could tell that she was crying, though - maybe even sobbing at this point. _“I’m in the road alley”_ She finally let him know, and a relieved sigh fell out through her brother’s mouth. The road alley was in a really bad neighborhood, but it wasn’t more than maybe ten minutes away, meaning that he wouldn’t have to sit through a half hour long car-ride, wondering whether Briana was alive or dead.

 

“I’ll be right there, Bri. Alright?” Yevgeny said, and he could picture his sister nodding her head, trying to stop crying. “Are you okay to hang up or do you want me to stay on the line until I get there?” He asked her then, wracking his brain to figure out where he had put his combat boots yesterday. He should really try to become more organized, it would be helpful in cases of… well, in moments like these.

 

“I’m okay” Briana’s rough voice rang into his ear, and Yevgeny nodded to himself.

 

“Alright. See you soon, I promise” With that, he hung up and dropped the device into the large pocket of his sweatpants. His tongue darted out to wet his bottom-lip as he stood outside of his father’s room. He was well aware of the fact that there was a reason as to why Briana had called him and not their dad; despite the fact that he didn’t know what had happened to her or what she had done - Mickey would end up freaking out. If there was one thing he was serious about it was the safety and the well-being of his children.

 

Yevgeny also knew that it wouldn’t be very smart of him to go and get her on his own, but at the same time, having their father there - no matter how much he loved them - would only make things worse for her. And he was pretty sure that bringing his little brother - adult or not - wouldn't be very responsible of him.

 

So here he was, taking a deep breath before he ever so slowly and ever so carefully cracked his father’s bedroom door open, sneaking inside. Yevgeny used his right hand to brush some of the blond hair from his forehead again, making sure that he was being quiet as he walked to the side of the bed where he knew that his stepfather slept.

 

There was a large bump under the covers, much like one that two bodies would make when they were completely tangled together. Clothes were spread all over the floor, but thankfully the covers looked to be pulled up all the way to their chins. Yevgeny swallowed again, gently easing down at Ian’s side, using his thumb along with the two fingers closest to it to nudge his stepfather’s shoulder, hoping that the act would be enough to wake him up, but not harsh enough that Yev’s dad would awake with him.

 

Ian’s arms looked to be tightly wrapped around Mickey’s body, the shorter man’s face buried in his neck as they both continued sleeping, neither of them showing any signs of noticing Yevgeny’s attempt at waking Ian up. He let out a short, slightly annoyed exhale through his nose before he tried again, rocking Ian slightly back and forth, praying to god that he would wake up soon. Yevgeny really wasn’t sure what condition he would end up finding his baby sister in and he really did not want to be alone in any case.

 

Finally, a small sound of annoyance sounded in the base of Ian’s throat, and through the darkness, Yevgeny could sort of see his eyebrows being pulled together before his eyes fluttered open, focusing on the ceiling for a second before he tilted his head slightly, settling on his stepson.

 

“Yev…” Ian stated, voice rough; incredibly tired. Yevgeny swallowed, feeling the worry spark up in his chest. “What’s wrong?”

 

“Something’s wrong with Briana. I need you to come with me and pick her up. Please” Yevgeny whispered, hoping that Ian would agree. He was silent for a second, most likely having a hard time processing the words in his hazey, tired state of mind. After a couple of beats, though, he nodded.

 

“Yeah, yeah of course” Ian looked down, starting to shake his fiancé awake, but Yevgeny immediately started protesting.

 

“No, no. Don’t wake dad, he’ll freak out and make it worse. Please. Just you” It was just about pitch black in the room, but Yevgeny could see Ian look at him, a frown settled onto his face as he most likely contemplated what the most responsible thing to do would be. Yevgeny’s tongue darted out, wetting his bottom lip as he waited for an answer. Thankfully;

 

“Okay. Give me a second to get dressed, I’ll meet you in the car”

 

“Thank you” Yevgeny whispered before carefully rising to his feet again, exiting his father’s bedroom.

 

Ian stayed in bed a second or two after the door had closed behind his step son, unwrapping an arm from around Mickey to reach up, rubbing some of the sleep out of his eyes. As tired as he was, he knew that he was grateful that Yevgeny had been comfortable with waking him up, it made him feel like a father, it felt… well, not good considering the circumstances, of course, but for the moment he couldn’t really come up with a better word.

 

A soft sigh escaped Ian’s lips as he gently and slowly unwrapped his remaining arm from around Mickey’s body, inch by inch pushing him away from himself, face settled into a deep frown as he all but completely prayed to god that his partner wouldn’t awake. He didn’t.

 

It took a few seconds, but finally Mickey sighed deeply, rolling over to his stomach and pulling Ian’s pillow into his face. Ian sighed in relief and then swung his legs over the edge of the bed, standing up as he searched the black room for something to wear.

 

About a minute later, he had a pair of sweatpants and one of Mickey’s black V-necks stretched out over his chest as he gently opened the door, pushing it closed again, making sure that he didn’t make any kind of noise that would end up stirring Mickey awake. When he was safely out of the room, he hurried down the stairs towards the front door - literally - praying to god that their daughter was alright.

 

  
Ian had insisted on driving, so Yevgeny was sitting in the passenger seat, his left knee bopping up and down in stress. He doubted that he had ever been this nervous in his entire life; Briana had sounded to fragile and so fucking broken on the other end of that phone that he felt as if all he could possibly do was prepare himself for the absolute worst.

 

In an effort to distract himself for a few seconds, he tugged the black hairtie off of his wrist, bringing his hands up to his head, collecting the rough, cream colored strands, tying it all up to get his hair to stop falling into his face.

 

“Did she say what happened at all?” Ian asked, voice shaking ever so slightly. Whether he had missed the first seventeen and a half years of her life or not - whether she called him ‘dad’ or not - Briana was his daughter. When Yevgeny woke him up in the middle of the night, claiming that something had happened to her, there was no possible option for him other than to completely freak out - even if he kept it all on the inside unlike his fiancé would have.

 

“No” Yevgeny’s head moved from side to side a few times, his gaze fixed out the window as the dark-lit city flashed by. The truth that he couldn’t remember all that much from the phone-call; all he could recall was his sister’s frightened voice pouring into his ear, and his worried heart starting to bang against his ribcage.

 

Finally - after what felt a fuck of a lot longer then ten minutes, but it was most likely only about seven with how fast Ian had been driving - the car pulled up to the road alley, and Yevgeny immediately saw his sister at the end closest to them, arm placed behind her back, open palm against the cold wall.

 

Her head was dipped down, gaze focused on her feet as she appeared to be crying. Her semi-long, dark hair was draped on the sides of her body and down her back. Yevgeny thought that maybe he could actually physically feel his heart breaking at seeing his beautiful baby sister so broken.

 

“I’ll get her” He spoke, seeing Ian give him a small nod before the younger boy exited the car, taking the forty something steps required before he reached Briana. As he got closer and closer, the sound of crying got stronger, and he saw her hand curl into a fist behind her back, knuckles whitening. “Bri?” At the sound of her brother’s voice, Briana raised her head, blue eyes falling onto brown. “Bri, what’s wrong?”

 

Briana shook her head ever so slightly, standing up straighter and bringing her hand up to her face, wiping some of the tears away from her cheek, simultaneously putting some of the dark hair behind her ear.

 

Yevgeny frowned, taking in her body. She was wearing a pair of black skinny jeans, along with a short, black tank top. Her feet were covered in a pair of heeled boots, and from what he could see, there was some mascara smeared right under her eye, telling him that she had been out at a club or something similar.

 

“It’s stupid”

 

“It’s not stupid” Yevgeny assured her, almost quickly enough that the last would hadn’t left his sister’s lips just yet. If there was one thing he knew, it was that if his sister called him in the middle of the night, crying, sobbing for him to help her, then whatever had gotten her to that stage wasn’t stupid, it couldn’t be. Not ever. Briana wiped a few more tears away, clearing her throat.

 

“I um… can we just go home? Please?” Yevgeny swallowed, hesitating for a second, or maybe even two, before he finally nodded. The truth was that as much as he would like to push her, as much as he would like to make her tell him what was wrong so that he could help her and make it all better, he was well aware of the fact that he couldn’t. It wasn’t a good idea; at least not right now.

 

“Yeah, alright. Let’s go home”

 

  
The car-ride back to the house was almost completely silent. When Briana had first noticed Ian sitting in the driver-seat, she had frozen up a little bit, but he had just given her a soft smile, quietly assuring her that they were all going to be okay.

 

Yevgeny had moved into the backseat, letting his sister claim shotgun. His temple rested against the glass of the window, the city flashing by in all but a complete and utter blur. His head was throbbing ever so slightly with the lack of sleep.

 

Words would not be able to describe how relieved he was that Briana was physically alright, of course. But Yevgeny also couldn’t quite shake the feeling that there was something that he should know, something their dad should know.

 

He felt as if Briana was hiding something. Briana always seemed happy nowadays, almost like her old self. She was up early, she went to school. Once in a while she and Ian would go running together. And for the most part, she had completely learned to go through life with only one arm.

 

Taking all of that into consideration, Yevgeny thought that maybe their family - including himself, of course - sometimes took her being alright for granted.

 

It was so much more than understandable if she still had some mental struggles - he wasn’t sure that tonight had anything to do with the shooting, of course. But either way it didn’t really matter, because that feeling was still there inside of him. The one that told him that maybe Briana wasn’t doing quite as well as she would like them all to believe she was.

 

  
Once Ian had parked the car onto the driveway again, the three of them walked slowly up towards the house. The sun was due to rise within an hour or two, but none of them felt as if it was the morning, they were all way too exhausted to even think about rising with it.

 

Yevgeny was the one to stick the key into the lock, opening the front door, giving all three of them a surprise. Mickey was sitting on one of the bottom steps, his hands curled into fists under his chin. His black hair was completely messed up, large tired bags under his eyes. One of Ian’s Henley’s was draped over his body, a pair of grey sweatpants covering his legs.

 

“Mickey, I - “ Ian begun immediately, starting to explain why he had made the decision not to alarm his partner to the issue. Mickey cut him off quite soon, though;

 

“I’m not mad” He spoke gently, voice cracky and tired. “Let me talk to Briana” Ian and Yevgeny immediately nodded, toeing their shoes off and starting to head up the stairs to hopefully get an hour or so more of sleep.

 

Yevgeny pressed a sweet kiss to his sister’s temple as he passed her, and Ian grabbed a hold of Mickey’s hand, giving it a recurring squeeze before continuing up the stairs, leaving the oldest and the youngest family members alone.

 

Mickey pushed himself to stand up, his eyes on his daughters as they observed each other for a second. Briana was well aware of the fact that her dad was incredibly serious about the fact that his kids needed to call him if they needed help, no matter what was wrong.

 

No matter if they had been drinking, even they had done drugs, or gotten themselves into some other kind of trouble. If they needed help, he would always be there. It was one of the few things that had been repeated to them all throughout their entire lives.

 

Mickey’s lips parted as he got ready to say something, but he was cut off. A tear rolled down Briana’s cheek as she took the two steps forwards, wrapping her arms tightly around her father’s body, burying her face in his shirt.

 

“Daddy”

 

  
Mickey’s right leg continued bopping up and down, his eyes traveling around the waiting room. His entire head was spinning, guts churning and it was as if he couldn’t calm down no matter what he tried - deep breaths, water. He was aware of the fact that Yev, Ian and Briana had all expected him to be angry that she hadn't called him or that Yevgeny had chosen to rise Ian instead. But the truth was that he was just happy that she had called somebody, who the fuck knows what could have happened otherwise? Besides, they all had bigger things to worry about at this point. 

 

“Hey” Ian whispered, tightening his hold on his fiancé’s hand.

 

Mickey’s eyebrows knitted together as he turned his head, eyes connecting with warning green ones, making him sigh and lean back into the chair. He was well aware of the fact that he really didn’t have much of a reason to be worried - at least not this very second. Overall was a different story, and how he was going to support his daughter through all of this was something he was yet to figure out.

 

“She’s going to be fine” Ian mumbled, lifting their intertwined hands to his mouth to press a soft kiss to the back of Mickey’s, doing his best to calm both of them down. Mickey swallowed, head moving slightly up and down, their eyes separated again as he let his gaze travel over the room.

 

“I just… I keep thinking I should have known she wasn’t doing good” Mickey grunted, tongue darting out to wet his bottom lip. The throbbing pain in his head was showing zero signs of easing up, his stomach continuing to tumble around in the most uncomfortable way that he had ever felt it. Ian gave his hand another reassuring squeeze, eyes focused on the skin of his temple as he wished that he knew how to make this all better.

 

“We all should have” Ian stated truthfully, but Mickey shook his head, fighting the tears back. In a lot of aspects of his life, Mickey was still the southside thug that everybody knew and feared. The guy who wouldn’t let anybody or anything shake him.

 

But at the same time, he was a father now. A damn good one, considering what he had to compare himself to. And if there was one thing that he was serious about, it was doing anything and everything in his power to make sure that his children were happy and healthy.

 

Over the past six months or so, he felt as if he had failed over and over again, and it wasn’t fair.

 

First the shooting, and now he couldn’t even see that his daughter was in the worst place of her life? Whether she hid it or not, he should have known. Fuck, he should have known. But he hadn’t had a single clue, he thought that she was doing just fine considering the circumstances. What kind of parent did that make him?

 

“No” Mickey waved his fiancé’s statement off. “No, you haven’t known her for that long. Yev and Brian have their own shit going on. I am the one who should have seen it” He said, just as truthfully. Ian swallowed, tightening his grip on his hand a little bit further. He didn’t deny it - untrue as he felt it was - because he knew that Mickey needed to spin right now.

 

So instead of trying to make his fiancé feel better - because he knew that it wasn’t possible at the moment - he just stayed by his side, silently letting him know that he was there if he needed him to be.

 

  
“Is that what you feel like? Miss invisible?”

 

Briana tugged her shoulders up into some kind of a shrug as she broke the eye contact in between them. Her nowadays dark hair was collected into a messy half ponytail at the back of her head, her tired, makeup free face being exposed.

 

One of her father’s old, black jumpers was tugged down over her body, the size making it look as if she was drowning in the heavy fabric. Her legs were covered in a pair of thin black leggings, her feet stuffed into Brian’s large, lace-up combat boots.

 

Not an inch of her brown tinted skin was uncovered by black, save for her hand and neck, along with her face. The large lips were dry, the skin stinging ever so slightly as she let her head spin, trying to come up with an answer to her therapist’s question.

 

The large, dark skinned lady stayed seated in her chair in front of Briana, calmly waiting; her large and kind brown eyes focused on the teenage girl.

 

Briana swallowed, still not quite making eye contact in between them as she tugged her feet up onto the couch, wrapping her arm securely around herself, her chin resting on top of her knees, eyebrows scrunched into some kind of a frown. She truly didn’t really have any idea how to answer that question. It wasn’t as if she was treated badly - by anybody, really. And her family certainly paid attention to her.

 

“You have a big family. Do you… Well, do you sometimes feel lost? Forgotten about?” The lady asked, almost as if she had been reading Briana’s mind. Briana just swallowed, though, their eyes connecting as she shook her head.

 

“No” Her voice was rough, tired. The truth was that she didn’t feel lost at all. Her family had nothing to do with the fact that she hadn’t been doing all too well lately. In fact, she, herself, hadn’t even really understood that she wasn’t doing alright until just last night.

 

She had taken things day by day, trudging through the hours, doing her best not to think about anything. She didn’t like to think about what the right side of her body was missing, she didn’t like to think about the screams or the cries that she had heard that day.

 

She didn’t like to think about how broken her father had looked while she had been in the hospital - she hated thinking about all of it. So she avoided it, pretended that nothing was wrong at all.

 

Maybe last night it had just… all become way too much at once.

 

The lady in front of her nodded in understanding, staying silent for somewhat of a beat before she started talking again.

 

“So you don’t feel lost… You have two brothers, correct?” Briana’s head moved slowly up and down a time or two in confirmation, her tired eyes on the brown pair. “Two fathers; that’s… a lot of men in the house. Do you ever feel alone, in that aspect of things? That you can miss having a female there?”

 

The lady saw Briana’s eyebrows knit together a little bit, so she was quick to explain herself.

 

“The reason I’m asking this is because some - of course not all - but some people can enjoy having somebody of their own gender in the house. Not because they don’t get along with the people who aren’t, but just because it can feel good - to have somebody who knows exactly what you’re going through in certain cases. Periods, hair, makeup. All of that can seem like small things, but when you don’t have anybody in the house to share it with at all, sometimes you can miss it. This goes both ways, of course”

 

Briana swallowed, tightening her hold around herself as she shook her head.

 

“No. My aunt and her wife lives next door, I don’t need to miss it”

 

“Okay” Her therapist nodded, scribbling something down on the paper in her lap before looking back up, their eyes connecting again. “What about school? Do you ever feel alone there?” She asked the younger girl, her head tilting slightly to the side.

 

Briana swallowed thickly once more, her shoulders lifting into a shrug as she turned the question upside down inside of her head, trying to figure out the best way to answer it. Before the shooting had happened, she had never once felt alone in school. She had been - well, not popular, exactly - but she hadn’t been invisible either.

 

Now, well… she couldn’t really say the same thing. Before that day, she had been the hot girl with her decent sized group of friends. When she had finally gone back to school, she had felt frozen out.

 

Maybe a part of that was due to the fact that nobody knew how to act around the freak who had had her arm shot off of her body. Because that’s who she was now. To everybody, including herself. Once or twice, Lena still talked to her but they had drifted apart as well. How she spent her days in school nowadays was alone. Sure, she would find Brian if they had lunch at the same time, but that was only once and possibly twice a week. her brother had his own life.

 

So as far as her life outside of her family went… yeah. Maybe you could say that she felt a little like Miss invisible.

 

“I guess, yeah” Briana finally sighed. “A little bit” A long dark, wavy strand of hair had fallen down to frame her face, moving slightly with her head as she nodded.

 

“Have you always?” The lady asked then, her voice slightly rough yet somehow soothing. Calm and kind. Collected.

 

“No” Briana answered honestly, feeling her eyes start to sting a little bit with the lack of sleep, her head pounding with the left over alcohol she had consumed last night.

 

It had been stupid, what she had done. She knew that. She had always considered herself to be quite smart when it came to being a little girl in a pro-men world. She knew how to stay safe; she rarely went out alone, she watched her drinks being made, she always stayed with the few friends she knew that she could completely trust, no matter what. And thanks to Mickey Milkovich being her father, she would probably be able to take down a herd of rhinos using nothing but her fists - if need be.

 

But despite her knowing all of these tips and tricks to stay whole and safe, last night, she just… she hadn’t cared.

 

Briana’s therapist straightened up a little bit, the younger girl’s eyes dropping to her own legs, zeroing in on one tiny speck of dust on the stretched black fabric, zooming out for a second.

 

“Since when have you been feeling alone, Briana?” Briana shrugged a little bit again, slipping into the room once more, lifting her head, the eye contact being reestablished in between the two of them.

 

She knew that the woman knew about the shooting - there was not a single person in the city of Miami who didn’t. Or in America, for that matter. It had all made huge headlines. From what Briana had been told, at least. She had still been cooped up in that hospital room when that all had gone down.

 

“Since the shooting, I guess… Just… I’m the girl who had her arm shot off. People don’t really know how to act” She finally admitted, voice shaking ever so slightly. She hated thinking about it - despised it.

 

Last night had kind of been a blur, but from what she could recall, remembering was what had sent her into having that panic attack to begin with. Suddenly it had all just seeped back into her brain - she had no idea what had triggered it, it had just happened.

 

She had been cutting through the road alley to get home to the house, but suddenly she had just been completely overwhelmed. Drowning in every single one of the terrible memories that she would have liked to forget by now.

 

  
_”The shooter. It was a student” Briana took a deep breath. "I know him from a couple of my classes. But he didn’t look evil or… or mean. He just looked…” She was quiet for a full thirty seconds before she finished her thought, voice thick. ”Scared”_

 

_Ian fought back some tears, about all of this._

 

_”They’re gonna come now” Briana spoke after a while, a tear trailing down her cheek._

 

_”Who?”_

 

_”All of them” She stated. ”The reporters, and the psychologists, and the analysts… the so called experts” Briana’s voice was weak now, quiet enough that Ian could just barely make out the words. ”And they’re gonna try to make sense of all of this. But they’re not gonna be able to”_

 

_A tear trailed down Ian’s cheek._

  
  
_”I think that even if I… even if we make it out of this, it’s always gonna stick with us. It’s never gonna be the same again”_

 

  
Briana felt as if she wanted to cry, but she couldn’t. Now, more than ever she realized how true her own words had been. ‘ _It’s always gonna stick with us. It’s never gonna be the same again’_ she had said. Here it was; sticking with her.

 

Making her weak and sad and deranged. Even after all of the passed time. Briana carried that day around with her in her heavy heart, every single second of every single day. It was with her more than it was with anybody else, and for quite a long time she had managed to ignore it, push it out.

 

But she didn’t really feel sad, or angry, or depressed. She was just… empty. Good and bad days came and went, of course.

 

Sometimes she could go an entire day, just being happy, laughing and smiling and joking around with her family. Yet, ultimately, at the end of the day she laid her head down onto her pillow and she replayed every single second of that horrible, life changing and terrifying day.

 

“Where are you?” The lady asked, noticing that Briana had zoomed out for quite a minute. The younger girl shrugged a little bit, her tongue darting out to wet her dry lips.

 

“It’s just… that day…” She finally forced herself to morph some of her thoughts into words; she was smart enough to understand that if she didn’t, then she would never get better. Maybe she would even end up back in that alley at some point, this time never making it out. “It’s…”

 

“It’s with you” Her therapist finished, a small and kind smile placed onto her lips. Her long, pitch black hair trailed down a little bit past her shoulders, following with her as she tilted her head slightly, trying to figure out her little girl in front of her.

 

“Every day” Briana confirmed, clearing her throat as she tightened her hold around herself, curling her fingertips slightly into the thin, black fabric of her leggings. “It just… I guess it makes me feel empty. Like… like I can’t really feel anything anymore” She spoke.

 

“Is that why you went out alone last night? You knew that it could be dangerous?” Briana stayed silent, giving the lady her answer. “Do you think that you might be using that as some kind of self harm technique? Chasing after something unsafe? Chasing after fear and danger?”

 

Briana swallowed, her eyebrows slightly knitted together. She hadn’t quite thought about it like that before.

 

“I guess that’s possible, yeah.” She nodded; there was no denying that fact.

 

“So” The lady in front of her spoke. “Did it make you feel any better?”

 

Briana hugged her own body even a little bit tighter as she turned the words over in her head. In truth, last night was a complete blur for her, but she did remember her own decision to go out alone, her decision not to ask Brian, Cole or Yevgeny.

 

It had been her own decision to pick that particular part of town. The road alley was in a neighborhood where rapes and murders were common enough that the police barely blinked an eye whenever it happened.

 

There were a thousand other places she could have gone to if she was craving a night out to herself.

 

She had kind of enjoyed walking through dark alleys and hearing older guys holler at her, wondering whether at some point, one of them would make a less than kind move on her. Finally, she blinked up at her therapist, the answer on the tip of her tongue.

 

She couldn’t go on like this, even she was smart enough to realize that this kind of behavior was less than healthy.

 

“It made me want to”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that you all have an amazing day, as always! <3 <3 <3


	42. Awake All Night Long

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mandy may have been in love before. With Lip, and with other random douchebags that didn’t deserve her. But she hadn’t felt what it was like to find the real thing until she had found Svetlana. And it wasn’t because Lana was a woman, or because they had both been through a lot of shit together before they had fallen in love. It was because she was kind and loving, and she treated Mandy with the uttermost respect, loving her with anything and everything that she had. Just as Mandy did with her.

Briana’s hand was securely wrapped around the ceramic mug, her plaid-covered knees pulled tightly up against her chest as she saw hints of the steam escaping from her tea. The silent darkness of the night surrounded her body, the house seemingly more abandoned than she had ever seen it before.

 

Every single one of her family were asleep, resting up for the big day. She couldn’t, though. It was impossible for her to go to sleep at this point. She wasn’t nervous, really. That wasn’t it. No, she was just… well, actually nervous probably fit the feeling coursing throughout her veins quite well. But it wasn’t as if she was scared that something would go wrong or anything like that.

 

Briana just really fucking wanted everything to work out for the best, god knows her dads deserved their special day to be as perfect as it possibly could be. More than anybody else.

 

So here she was, sitting in the darkness with a cup of tea because there was nothing else for her to do. And she didn't mind it, actually. She had always craved the lonely nights, reveled in the darkness and the mystery of the blackness. The only real source of light was the streetlights flickering outside of the large windows, some of said lighting pouring into the dim livingroom.

 

One of Yevgeny’s old rocker tees was pulled down over her tiny body, the size making it look as if she was drowning in the fabric, just the way she was comfortable. Her feet were stuffed into a pair of black, knitted boots that she had bought a year or so back, the wool warming her skin. Speaking of warmth, the tea was starting to tear through the ceramic of the mug, burning her skin ever so slightly, but not to the point where it hurt. It was more of an incredibly warm, and comfortable feeling.

 

Briana’s mind spun, taking her in and out of the physical place in which her body was placed. In fact, she had been doing that quite a lot lately - thinking. Ever since Ian had suggested that she go see that therapist a few months ago, more and more things had started to bubble to the surface of the puzzle that was herself.

 

She still wasn’t quite over that horrible day and she doubted that she would ever really be.

 

The words echoed inside of her brain to this very minute, and she could still hear that one gunshot that had changed her entire life. But ultimately - she had been going to see that therapist at least once a week, sometimes even two, and it had actually been helping. By now she only cried about three out of five nights - which was a big deal for her.

 

The past few months hadn’t been all to eventful for any of the Milkovich family members. It had mostly been business as usual. School and work had taken up a lot of the time, and when Ian and Mickey weren’t working, Mandy was all but hounding their asses to make sure that everything was perfectly in order in time for their wedding.

 

A tiny - tiny, tiny - part of Briana had wondered whether they would both really end up going through with this whole marriage thing. It wasn’t as if she doubted the fact that the men were in love with each other - anybody would be able to spot that from a fucking mile away - but she had seen it one too many times. Her father deciding on something and then getting cold feet at the last minute.

 

Granted, many of those cases had had to do with buying a car or going on a trip - marriage was much different, and in the end Briana did understand that her dad would never have said yes, hadn’t he been completely and one hundred and ten perfect certain that this was what he wanted.

 

So here they were, almost three or four whole months after the initial announcement. Everything was decided, all the way down to the color of the fucking napkins. That wedding was going to be fucking beautiful, Briana just knew it.

 

Summer had come as well by now.

 

Granted, they all lived in Miami, so it didn’t make much difference save for the fact that they all started sweating even a little bit more. Technically, this was the time when Brian and Briana should have been jumping up and down to start college, but with everything that'd happened with the shooting and the rest of their mess in their family, school just hadn’t really been a priority for either of them lately.

 

Which was the reason why they had ended up deciding that they would repeat senior year. Perhaps it sounded slightly crazy, but the twins wanted to get the best grades possible, and they wanted to earn their four next years of school.

 

This way they would be given some more time at home to mentally heal further - along with the chance to up their grades. It was truly the perfect idea. At least for the two of them personally.

 

A somewhat deep sigh escaped Briana’s lips, her attention drifting back into the room, gaze falling down into the dark liquid contained inside of her quickly cooling cup. Some warmth still seeped into her palm, though - just enough.

 

Having a hot mug or cup warming her hand had always been somewhat of a comforting thing to her, and she wasn’t all too sure where all of that had started to begin with. Alas, her heart was currently beating at a soft, perfect pace inside of her chest, her eyelids somewhat heavy yet blinking easily enough as her mind continued to spin.

 

Briana had always considered herself to be a quite self-aware person. But lately the truth was that she had felt happier and more in touch with herself than ever before. She assumed that this had something to do with her therapist helping her work through some shit, but it also helped that her family seemed to have understood that she was still working through some things.

 

In the past, a lot of the time they had seen her acting happy, and they had shrugged and let her carry on with her day while they had done the same.

 

Now, though, she could see it. When Brian asked ‘Are you okay?’, he wanted a real and truthful answer. When her dad asked ‘Is there anything that I can do?’, he would try to literally take down the moon if that was what she needed in that moment.

 

Small things like these went a long way and Briana had to admit that all of this bound together made her feel as if she was a stronger person. Knowing that her family cared and tried to understand was worth more than she would most likely ever be able to put into words.

 

“Hey” Briana jumped ever so slightly at the whispered greeting, quickly relaxing as she saw her twin brother step around the couch placing himself right next to her.

 

The girl’s knees were still pulled up towards her chest, her hand wrapped around the mug. Her dark and long hair was collected into a ponytail at the back of her head, the waves pouring down over her left shoulder.

 

“You couldn't sleep either, huh?” She couldn’t help but ask her brother.

 

A loud sigh escaped the room, and though she wasn’t looking, she could sense his head shaking slightly from side to side. Maybe it wasn’t normal for her to be this paranoid about tomorrow - if anybody should be nervous it was the husbands to be. But she couldn't quite help it.

 

Their entire family had been through so much shit - shit that they didn’t deserve. So if they could all have a nice and calm day together, celebrating this happy occasion, then Briana would be more than happy. She just desperately hoped that nothing would end up going wrong at the last minute.

 

“Heard you come downstairs” Brian stated after a second, lifting his legs a little bit so that he could place his feet up onto the coffee table ahead of them. He lifted his hands to the back of his head, collecting the strands of brown hair and tying them off so that he wouldn’t have to deal with it all falling in front of his face.

 

A week or so ago, Brian had finally let their aunt Mandy cut it, but he had been very precise with the fact that he still wanted it long to some degree. Though, right before the cut, it had been hanging way past his collarbones, and he hadn’t liked it all too much. And frankly, Briana didn't like competing with her brother about who had the best hair. Fuck that shit.

 

“Just wanted to make sure you were okay” He continued. “You know, with… tomorrow and everything” Brian and Briana - and Yev - all loved Ian so much. How could they not after everything that he had done for them?

 

Yet, Brian was very well aware of the fact that his sister had a hard time with things changing in her life. And sure, Ian already lived here and was all but their second father but them being married could still change certain things - at least in Briana’s head.

 

Even if things didn’t really change all that much, she could feel tiny shifts and Brian knew that it could drive her quite crazy.

 

“You know I’m not the one getting married, right?” Briana turned her head to her left, looking at her brother’s profile.

 

The base of her tea-mug was placed onto her knee now, slightly warming the skin through her plaid pajama pants. Her hand was lazily wrapped around the solid material, and Brian let his gaze fall to the object for a second before he looked up to meet his sister’s eyes through the darkness.

 

“I know, Bri” He nodded. It was on the tip of his tongue to explain what he really meant, but at the same time he knew that he didn’t have to, so he kept his mouth shut on that side of things.

 

As open as Briana was about some things, talking about her issues with change and stress had never really been her thing. For some reason, it could easily make her uncomfortable. Finally, though, apparently tonight Briana did feel the urge to talk;

 

“It’s…” She begun, voice slightly weak. “It’s not going to change anything, right?” Brian swallowed, shaking his head slightly a few more times.

 

Briana wasn’t all too sure why, but her brother’s question had somehow made her stomach start to stir in somewhat of an uncomfortable way. It wasn't that she didn’t love Ian - she did, so much. But for the first seventeen years of her and Brian’s lives, it had just been her, her brothers and her dad. And Mandy and Svetlana as guest appearances of course.

 

And sure, she knew that they were all adults by now. If she wanted to, she could join the army, she could get a tattoo, she could do a lot of things that only classified adults could really do.

 

But all of that didn’t actually do much to change the fact that once in a while - in a lot of ways - she still felt like a little girl. Daddy’s girl. She always had been. She wasn’t worried that her dad would love Ian more than her and her brothers or some stupid shit like that, that wasn’t it. She was just… feeling uneasy with this whole marriage thing in a way that she couldn’t quite describe.

 

Maybe it was nothing more than just plain nervousness, that was in fact her best guess at this point. Although, she wanted her dad to get married to Ian, of course she did. There was nothing she wanted more. She also knew that this whole uneasiness in her stomach would go away as soon as they had said their ‘I do’s.

 

Briana had problems with change - good or bad - big or tiny. It was who she was and she couldn’t help that. This whole tumbling in the pit of her stomach wasn’t exactly anything new.

 

The same thing had happened when she had graduated middle school, when she had entered high school. She had felt the same way when she was about to go to drivers ed - anything and everything that involved some kind of change made her feel like this, and she knew that by now. But that didn’t mean that she didn’t want the change to happen.

 

“Of course it’s not going to change anything, sis” Brian assured her verbally. “They’re just going to have rings on their fingers” He stated truthfully. Eye contact was established in between the twins, Briana’s shoulders lifting almost all the way up to her ears as she forced herself to take a deep breath.

 

She supposed that her dads getting married wasn’t really what she was freaking out about - her brother knew this as well. It was a thing that she had always done, her entire life.

 

She had a thousand things around her that she needed to focus on and that she was stressing out over, and so she found one thing to obsess about. One thing that she could say that ‘This. This is the one thing that I am nervous about’ even though that one thing was most likely only like a tenth of the tip of the iceberg. It was strange in a way, but it was just… easier that way.

 

“I haven’t seen Cole around in a while” Briana said then, in an effort to take both of their minds off of the yet to come events of tomorrow. She immediately noticed that she should have picked a better subject, though, because her brother’s lips parted ever so slightly as their eye contact cracked, his head turning to face the black television screen as he relaxed back into the couch, a deep and sad sigh falling out from in-between his lips.

 

“Yeah” He sighed. “Yeah, we’re kind of um… I don’t know” Briana’s dark eyebrows drew themselves a little bit closer together as she did her best to understand exactly what Brian was trying to get at here.

 

“What, are you… breaking up?” The truth was that as surprised as Briana had been when she had first found out that her brother had a boyfriend, she had quickly come to like Cole. Of course she had - he was sweet, he was kind and he was polite. Not to mention the fact that he had a really good influence on Brian in terms of drugs and alcohol - and restraining from it all a little bit more than he had in the past.

 

“No” Brian thankfully shot down his sister’s guess, though. “No, we’re not breaking up, I’m just…” He trailed off for a short second, sighing again. “This entire thing is kind of freaking me the fuck out” He finally admitted, a small and tired chuckle ending the last word in the sentence.

 

“What?” Briana asked, thankful that they had stumbled onto this subject. Not because her brother clearly wasn’t doing too well, but because for once, they had something to talk about besides her own twisted and destroyed life.

 

Besides, when the twins talked to each other they usually ended up feeling better afterwards. She reached forwards, placing her mug onto the coffee table before turning her body a little bit more to face Brian as she watched him take a deep breath, most likely to collect himself, and to try to figure out how exactly he should explain what he was feeling.

 

“I’ve had girlfriends before, you know that…” He begun, eyebrows knitted as his gaze was still focused straight ahead. Briana wrapped her arm around herself, her tongue darting out to wet her dry lips as she waited for the continuation. “But I’ve never felt like this, Bri. I love him. I really fucking love him, and it’s…” The boy trailed off for another short second, looking as if he was trying desperately to sort through the messy haze that was currently his brain. “It’s just fucking scary, alright?” He finally finished, shrugging a little bit as he finally turned his head, the siblings making eye contact.

 

Briana was silent for a second, trying to figure out what the right thing was to say. Her brother hadn’t opened up to her like this in a while, and quite frankly it was rare that he did at all.

 

Not because he was one of those guys who was completely phobic of feelings things - he had never been like that - but because his entire life he had just preferred to sort through his issues on his own. He had always found that spinning it over and over inside of his head, turning it and examining whatever he was currently dealing with was more effective than spilling his guts to a family member.

 

Whether this made much sense or not, he didn’t know of course. But it was who he had been for as long as he could possibly remember.

 

The eye contact stayed established in between them for another second before Brian let his gaze drop to the couch, his teeth gnawing on the inside of his cheek. Somewhat of a sigh fell out from in-between Briana’s lips.

 

The truth was that she wasn't all too sure about what she could say to help him out, she had never been in love before. Not really. Certainly not in the way that her her dads or Mandy and Svetlana were. She doubted that she had ever liked anybody enough to become as twisted as Yevgeny currently was either. So all in all, his sister was the worst person in the family that Brian could have come to with issues of the heart.

 

If he wanted advice from somebody who had gone through this shit, that was. But he didn’t. He wanted advice from somebody who knew how to talk, how to calm him down and how to get him back onto the correct track. His sister would always be the right person for that.

 

“Don’t push him away” Brian frowned, lifting his head again, their eyes locking.

 

Four words. It sounded so fucking simple, really. Brian loved Cole, and so he should be doing anything that he could to keep him. He shouldn’t be pushing him away. He shouldn’t be saying ‘Oh no, I can’t tonight’ or ‘Maybe some other time’. He should be saying ‘Yeah, of course’ and ‘I love you’ and ‘I’ll always be here’.

 

Because that’s what love was. And yes - it sounded simple. But it was difficult. Why it was difficult, Brian still hadn’t quite found the balls to figure out just yet. He guessed that it had something to do with abandonment issues, or some other dreary shit that he would never want to dig into.

 

Brian supposed that he could sit here until kingdom come and debate back and forth about what he should do. What he should say and how he should act. But ultimately - if there was something that his dads love story had taught all of the Milkovich kids - it was that while that particular story may be romantic and all, the truth was that they had missed out on twenty fucking years.

 

They could have had that time together and they could have been so fucking happy. Brian may want the kind of love that they had - but he would never want their story. It was… sad. It some kind of a way. Or it used to be.

 

So in the end, if he truly loved Cole - and he did - there was only one possible answer to his sister’s statement.

 

“Yeah. I know. Yeah, I can’t do that anymore”

 

  
Svetlana’s feet moved softly over the hardwood floors of the house, heading out of the bedroom and towards the stairs in search of her wife. Waking up alone in the middle of the night had to be one of her least favorite things in the entire world. Her dark hair was collected up into a short ponytail, some sleep still stinging her eyes. One of Mandy’s old rocker tees was draped over her body, swaying ever so slightly with her steps. It took her a minute or two, but finally she found her.

 

Mandy was sitting on the couch in their livingroom, a glass of waster perched onto the glass table as he scrolled through something on her phone. Svetlana swallowed, crossing her arms in front of herself and leaning against the doorway. The room was quite cozily lit, a few lamps tucked into the corners, fighting out the darkness of the night with their soft, yellow light.

 

Mandy’s dark hair looked as if it hadn’t been brushed in months - courtesy of Lana tugging at the strands merely a few hours ago. She was dressed in nothing but a white tank top, the loose fabric hugging her body in all the right areas.

 

Lana had to admit, that to this day - even years and years after she and Mandy had first gotten together - it still made her heart swell. This thought that all of the shit that both women had been through had finally led them here. To each other. Whether they had felt it right away or not.

 

“You couldn’t sleep?” She finally made herself known, softly walked further into the room to join her wife on the couch, sitting down next to her. A small hum sounded in the base of Mandy’s throat as she locked her phone, putting it face down onto the table in front of her.

 

She was sitting quite bent forwards, in such a way that if she were to stay that way for hours, she would never be able to stand up straight again. Her bare legs were crossed, tucked in underneath her own body as she shrugged a little bit. Svetlana sat down a little bit further back, placing a flat and comforting hand onto the side of her wife’s waist, holding her lightly.

 

“Just worried about tomorrow” Mandy admitted. “Excited, I don’t fucking know” She spoke, turning her head to look into Svetlana’s beautiful eyes.

 

The truth was that Mandy wasn’t quite sure how the fuck she was supposed to keep it together for the ceremony. She had been there through almost every single second of their messy journey, and now it was finally happening.

 

They were together, they were happy and they were in love and they were getting married. How the fuck was she supposed to keep from crying when they said their vows? Fuck knows her best friend would cry when he spoke, which would do nothing to help her at all.

 

So yeah - worried, nervous. Whatever. She supposed that it was natural for her to be either or both of those things in this situation, despite the fact that she wasn’t the one getting married.

 

Almost every single amazing moment in her brother and Ian’s relationship - or in Mickey’s life overall - had been followed by something horrible. Mandy really fucking hoped that nothing would go wrong tomorrow - not even anything small could happen. If there were two people in the world who deserved to have their perfect day, it was Ian and Mickey.

 

“Everything will be fine. Everything is planned and done. It’s going to be beautiful” Svetlana assured her wife, her hand slipping underneath the thin, white fabric, her fingertips rubbing smooth and reassuring circles on the soft skin of her waist. Mandy sighed softly, leaning into her wife, enjoying her presence.

 

“I love you” She spoke, her eyes fluttering closed for a second, Svetlana’s arm tightening around her body, pulling them both closer together.

 

Mandy may have been in love before. With Lip, and with other random douchebags that didn’t deserve her. But she hadn’t felt what it was like to find the real thing until she had found Svetlana. And it wasn’t because Lana was a woman, or because they had both been through a lot of shit together before they had fallen in love. It was because she was kind and loving, and she treated Mandy with the uttermost respect, loving her with anything and everything that she had. Just as Mandy did with her.

 

Svetlana’s lips rested tenderly against the younger woman’s temple, her nose pressed against her hairline as she breathed in Mandy’s soft scent. The one that made her insides turn into soft, light little clouds. With butterflies circling around them.

 

“I love you, baby” She spoke back, right as Mandy straightened up a little bit, turning her face more towards Lana’s so that she could press their mouths together in a kiss, their lips easily sliding in between each other’s. Both pairs of eyes were closed by now, Svetlana’s arm staying wrapped around her wife’s waist as Mandy cupped the back of her neck. Their tongues easily slid over each other’s, their own special kind of magic mirroring in between them.

 

  
Yevgeny’s left elbow was resting in the L of the car-window, temple resting in his open palm as he kept his right hand on the wheel, as he passed what felt the like hundredth traffic light, the yellow color lighting up what would otherwise be a very dark night.

 

One of his large, grey sweatshirt was tugged down over his skinny frame, the bleach blond hair collected into a small bun on top of his head as he drove. He didn’t know where he was going or what he was doing - in fact, he had been driving around in circles for the better part of the past hour.

 

He knew that tomorrow was a big day for the entire family and that he should be in bed by now, but he couldn’t really sleep. Driving had always calmed him down, helped him think, so that’s why he was in his father’s car at almost three am, mindlessly taking himself around the city.

 

The truth was that he had been feeling a lot better lately, as far as the whole Charlie thing was concerned. She still hadn’t forgiven him, and by now they were officially broken up. But he wasn’t all too upset about it. Things back at college was going just fine, and he didn’t see her that much. In the beginning, when their official break up had happened, he had been crushed of course. And while he did kind of still miss her in some sort of way, he was happy.

 

Mainly because whenever he did see her, things were okay. They would smile at each other, wave and maybe even say hello. Charlie didn’t seem angry, nothing was tense in between them.

 

As much as Yevgeny regretted what he had done, during the circumstances, this had to be the best thing that could have possibly happened. And that’s not to say that he didn’t have those late nights with tears on his pillow anymore - he did. They were just becoming fewer and fewer. And usually a few beers were involved.

 

Yevgeny’s hand tightened a little bit around the leather, his tongue darting out to wet his dry lips. A small strand of the hair on top of his head fell down over his forehead, but he couldn’t bring himself to push it back up right now. His boot clad foot pressed lightly against the gas pedal as he rolled along the highway, his mind anywhere but in the car.

 

The truth was that there was one other thing that had been bothering him lately - school. While things were in fact going just fine by now, both socially and academically, he still hadn’t quite been able to shake the feeling that he was missing home.

 

Like now, this summer. When he was home to celebrate his father’s wedding, he wished that he could be here all the time.

 

California had never really felt like home, not in the way that this did. He was comfortable, and it wasn’t as if he was sad every single second of every single day when he was up there. But when he did come back down to Miami, that was when he realized how much he actually missed it.

 

Yevgeny missed his siblings, he missed his mom and his dad. And his… aunt slash stepmother, which was something that he to this day wasn’t quite sure how to explain to people. He usually just said aunt, it was easier since that’s what the twins called her.

 

A lot of the time he stuck to Mandy, though, so he wouldn’t have to think about it all too much. He missed the palmtrees - which he realized didn’t make much sense because there were palmtrees up in California as well, but the ones here were just better. Prettier. Just like the Starbucks coffee tasted better and the McDonalds food did too. The sun shone brighter and the fucking water was a prettier shade of blue.

 

It was all technically the same fucking thing whether he was in Miami or in California, but to Yevgeny everything here was just better. Because this was his home. He supposed that since he didn’t have all that much time left, he should just suck it up.

 

Dropping out now when he had finished over half of his college education would be a stupid idea. So in conclusion, he had no fucking idea what he was going to do.

 

He would figure that out later, though. Not now. Now he was happier than he had been in months, and that was worth a lot. So instead of dwelling on what may or may not end up happening in his life, he decided to focus on tonight. And tomorrow, and the rest of his summer vacation. Excluding the whole school thing, he felt insanely at peace with his life; he figured that it was a good idea for him to appreciate that fact a little bit more.

 

  
For a lot of people in the Milkovich family, the night before the big wedding wasn’t one of sleep. In fact, the only two who weren’t up all night were the husbands to be. Instead they were curled up in the very middle of their large bed, holding tightly onto one another. They wouldn’t ever let anyone or anything tear them apart.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've missed writing Mandy x Lana lmao. And I am so excited to finally write the wedding chapter oh my god. It'll probably be one more before the actual 'I do's are said, though. So. 
> 
> I hope that you all have an amazing day! <3


	43. Worst Best Person

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s just… you’re finally gonna be married. After everything and I’m…” Mandy rarely showed a ton of emotion in this particular manner - neither did Mickey - but he had to admit that as he heard his sister’s thick voice, his own throat was beginning to become a little bit thick with tears. Today was emotional, and he would never be able to escape that fact.
> 
> “You’re gonna make me cry too” Mickey finally groaned. “You’re officially the worst best person ever” Mandy shook her head, clearing her throat as he looked up into her brother’s blue eyes, giving his tie one last tug.

The sun was breaking through the clouds ever so slightly as Brian’s feet hit the pavement time and time again. Going running the first thing in the morning had never really been something that he had done; that had always been Ian and Briana’s thing, no one else in the family enjoyed it too much. But today, as soon as he had woken up - after the hour and a half of sleep that he had finally managed to catch - he had just felt as if he needed some air, he had needed to get out.

 

So here he was, feet stuffed down into a pair of running sneakers; his legs covered by a pair of grey sweatpants and one of his brother’s old rocker tees tugged down over his upper body. Music had never helped him calm down, so what filled his ears instead was the sound of the birds singing; the ‘tap tap tap’ of his feet on the pavement and the sound of the cars somewhere quite far away in the distance.

 

The palmtrees swayed slightly in the wind as he ran past the large plants, is throat starting to dry up ever so slightly in exhaustion. He didn’t stop though, and he wouldn’t. Not until he somehow felt better.

 

Brian's life was a complete and utter mess - it had been ever since that horrible day. And of course the shooting played quite a large part in him not being his happiest since, but there was one other thing bothering him. That horrible day had brought Brian what might very well be the love of his life, no matter how fucking cheesy that shit sounded. And here he was, screwing it up - for what?

 

Because he was scared? No. Because he was fucking terrified? Yes. Brian had seen the strong love that Ian and his dad carried around for each other. And while that was all inspirational and shit, he had also seen how broken Mickey had been that one time when they had broken up a few months back. He had been trying to hide it, of course, but the twins and Yevgeny had been able to see it.

 

So if Brian had to put his finger on it, he guessed that that might be it. He didn’t want to be dependent on anybody, he didn’t want to be so in love with somebody that his life would literally be empty without them - yet somehow, here he was.

 

Cole had walked into his life, and he was scared that it was way too late because somehow that one guy had gotten so fucking deep inside of Brian - or technically the other way around, he guessed. But he was currently thinking metaphorically. Every kiss, every touch, every word and every laugh - it had all led to Brian falling in love with Cole. And it was terrifying.

 

Lacing his sneakers up and exiting the Milkovich home at five am, Brian hadn’t had a destination or a route planned. None at all, actually. He had just started running and running and running, hoping that it would do something, at least, to help him clear his head. Maybe it made the mess inside of there even worse, or maybe it made it all the clearer - he couldn’t quite tell just yet. Either way, here he was; standing on the sidewalk and looking up at Cole’s house.

 

Brian was aware of the fact that Cole had noticed him pulling away a little bit lately, and he knew that he was torn between being angry and wondering whether he had done something to upset him. It was a fair question, Brian guessed. They had been amazing one day, and the next one he had been avoiding every touch or every phone-call. It didn’t make much sense - fuck, he didn’t even understand it himself, how was Cole supposed to?

 

A deep sigh escaped his lips as he looked up at the window that he knew belonged to his boyfriend’s room. He only had himself contemplating and second guessing for about a minute before he fished his phone out of his pocket, pressing the familiar contact name.

 

If he didn’t do this now then he would never have the courage again. One tone passed. The two, and then three. Then seven - and Brian was about to hang up and just knock on the fucking door instead - but finally.

 

“Brian?” Cole’s tired voice poured into Brian’s ear, and suddenly he felt as if he could breathe again.

 

“I’m outside” He just spoke, hoping that it wouldn’t take all too much convincing on his part to get Cole to drag his ass out of his room.

 

“You woke me up” Brian swallowed at the empty statement, wracking his brain for something - anything - that he could say to get Cole to come down here. He knew that as soon as he was looking into those big brown eyes, the words would come pouring out, but on the phone it was quite difficult.

 

“Please, baby” Brian finally spoke, all but praying to god that it would be an effective method. It was.

 

“Fuck, fine. I’ll be right down” The click of Cole hanging up the phone somehow stayed inside of Brian’s ear for an extra minute before he finally locked his cellphone and slipped it back into the pocket of his sweatpants, waiting for his boyfriend to exit the house.

 

When Cole finally opened the door and walked outside, a large light grey muscle tee was draped over his upper body, exposing his muscles in the best possible way; the dark brown skin curving perfectly around the shapes in a way that made Brian’s throat snurp shut despite the fact that sex was the last thing he should be thinking of right now. A pair of black sweatpants covered his legs, his feet stuffed down into a pair of large combat boots that Brian immediately recognized as his own.

 

Brian swallowed dryly, hating himself even more now for pushing this beautiful man away than he had a few minutes ago. He looked… broken somehow. His shoulders were a little bit more rolled forwards than they typically should be.

 

The slightly shorter man started walking up towards the house, meeting Cole right by the porch, a few inches separating them. Brian swallowed again, trying to somehow capture his words, but he was failing. Strongly. Cole crossed his arms, tilting his head slightly to the side. The very slight goatee that he had been growing lately shone in the sun and it caught Brian’s attention for a short moment.

 

“What are you doing here, Brian? Thought you were avoiding me” Cole asked in a voice that Brian immediately recognized as insecure. Sure, he tried his best to keep the sound from wavering, and he tried to pick words that would make him sound somewhat more confident than he was, but in the end, what he was truly asking his boyfriend was; ‘Did I do something? What is going on here?’ Brian was quiet for a beat, just looking into those deep, brown eyes that he loved oh so much.

 

“I was” He admitted then, Cole’s dark eyebrows traveling a little bit further up his forehead at the confession, silently asking Brian to elaborate. Explain why they weren’t how they once had been. Brian wanted to tell him everything - of course he did. He wanted to explain his father’s story, and he wanted to talk about how he had never quite felt this way before.

 

Brian wanted to let Cole know how much he loved him and how much it all scared him - and that’s why he was pulling away. The problem with all of this was that Brian didn’t know where the fuck to start - fuck, he was just barely starting to understand all of this shit himself, so how was he supposed to explain it to somebody else? It didn’t make much sense.

 

“Look…” He finally sighed, turning and sitting down on the porch. Cole joined him reluctantly, sitting close enough that their upper arms were just barely touching.

 

Despite Brian’s muttered ‘Look…’ a minute after they had sat down, he still hadn’t said anything, so Cole took the initiative to start talking instead, figuring that whatever was going on inside of his boyfriend’s beautiful head was either too complicated or too scary to just say out loud.

 

“Are you um… Brian, are you ashamed of… anything? Embarrassed?” Cole asked through a mumble, leaning on the lower part of his arms, slightly bent forwards, relaxed as he turned his head to look at the older man. Brian turned his head as well, that familiar wrinkle stuck in between his eyebrows that appeared once in a while - usually when he was irritated, but also at times like these. Where he was quite obviously confused about what to say or what to do - or how to explain something to somebody.

 

“No” Brian shook his head to go with the truthful answer. If there was anything that he wasn’t, it was ashamed.

 

He was completely fine with being gay - or bisexual, but since he was currently in a relationship with a guy, saying that he was gay was something he found easier at this particular point in his life; besides, it was his life and he could label himself in whichever way he chose and found appropriate.

 

Nor was there any scenario whatsoever, in which he could see himself being ashamed or embarrassed over being together with Cole. Cole was both the hottest and the kindest guy that Brian had ever met in his entire life. He was proud to be able to call him his boyfriend, and he would be for as long as they were.

 

“No, of course not”

 

Cole kept blinking into Brian’s eyes, both foreheads showing wrinkles as he tried to figure the older man out, wishing that he had a way to know what was going on inside of his boyfriend’s head without him having to explain it to him.

 

Brian was silent, of course. He just didn’t know how the fuck to explain all of this even though he wanted to. Most people weren’t scared of falling in love, they wanted it and so they just jumped right into it - that was what he assumed anyway because is friends and his siblings had always seemed to do just that.

 

“I’m scared” Brian finally pushed the words out of his mouth - he just didn’t know what the fuck else to say, if he was being honest. Sure, the words were the truth, but they didn’t make much sense under the circumstances.

 

Cole’s eyebrows furrowed a little bit further as he seemingly did his best to process the words, swallowing thickly. Brian’s tongue darted out to wet his own bottom lips as he turned his head, looking out over the street instead. That crease in between his eyebrows was deeper than ever before; the brown curly hair blowing slightly in the soft wind as the two young boys did their best to figure each other out. Figure life out. No matter how difficult that task was turning out to be.

 

“You know, I’m…” Brian continued, not quite sure where he was going. His voice was ever so slightly deeper than usual, and Cole couldn’t help but admire the beautiful, shaky sound. “I’ve never really felt this way before, you know and I’m just… confused. And really fucking scared. I’ve seen a lot of shit go down when people love each other” With the last few words, he turned his head back, his eyes once again connecting with big brown ones.

 

They looked kinder now, though. The wrinkles that had previously been seemingly etched into Cole’s brown forehead were almost completely gone; he looked as if he got it - or at least understood it all a little bit more after Brian’s messy explanation.

 

Brian swallowed as Cole reached his right hand up to his face, his fingers slipping into the brown locks by his temple as he gently pressed the pad of his thumb onto the elevens in between his eyebrows, flattening his distress out. Brian’s entire body visibly relaxed at the realization that his boyfriend wasn’t upset with him, his eyes slipping closed for half a second or so before he opened them again.

 

“It’s okay to be scared” Cole assured Brian softly. “I am too, I guess” He added. Brian lifted his hand up towards his head, wrapping it around Cole’s wrist as they both tilted forwards a little bit, their foreheads resting together.

 

“Yeah?” Brian asked gently, his breath fanning Cole’s lips; their eyes gazing into one another’s. The bald man’s head moved slowly up and down a couple of times, Brian’s following with the movements.

 

“I love you, Brian. So much. But I am sixteen years old. Of fucking course I’m scared” At the words, Brian let their hands drop to his lap, lacing their fingers perfectly together as he pulled his head back a little bit, giving them both a better look at each other’s eyes without having to get a headache.

 

The older boy swallowed, amazed at how beautiful his boyfriend was - how honest and how pure and how kind. How the fuck he had managed to find such an amazing guy, he would most likely never know.

 

“But just…” Cole continued then, turning his body a little bit more towards Brian and reaching his free hand up towards his neck, slipping his fingertips into the brown locks. “Talk to me, alright? Don’t just ignore me, because that’s not going to solve anything. You need time, then… take time. But tell me that that’s what you’re doing because I’ve been walking around thinking I did something to piss you off” He ranted then.

 

Brian could do nothing but nod in agreement, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze in acknowledgement, earning himself a warm smile from his boyfriend.

 

“I promise, baby. Never again. I’m sorry” Brian spoke, all but praying to god that it would be enough and that they would be able to move on from this little bump in the road, because if there was one thing that he didn’t want to do, it was have Cole love or trust him any less going forwards. Thankfully, though - Cole didn’t seem to be the type to hold a grudge. Instead he leaned forwards a little bit, capturing Brian’s large, dry lips in between his own, both pairs of eyes slipping closed as they kissed.

 

That all too familiar buzzing in the pit of Brian’s stomach started up once again, and he was sure that this was it. He would never again want to be without this - without Cole. He loved this guy way too fucking much to put them in that position again.

 

“Hey, um…” Brian spoke when they had pulled apart, foreheads once again leaning together. “I should probably go; they’re all going to wake up soon. Mands is gonna bust my balls if I’m not there in time for breakfast” Cole swallowed, head moving slowly up and down as they pulled apart a little bit, their hands still laced together. “Will you be my date?” At the question, a large grin was stretched across Cole’s face, his head moving up and down a couple of times.

 

“Yes. Yeah, of course”

 

  
Brian entered his home again, expecting his family to still be fast asleep, or at least just now waking up; instead he was greeted by the sound of the coffee machine in the kitchen and one of his sister’s favorite singers softly pouring out of the speakers in the livingroom.

 

The elevens re-appeared in between his eyebrows as he kicked the old sneakers off of his feet, using the hallway to walk further into the house and towards the kitchen.

 

Briana was indeed up and walking - he had expected her to be dead on her feet by now with how little sleep they had all gotten, but instead she was darting around the kitchen, pouring coffee and taking slices of bread out of the toaster. Ian was sitting by the kitchen island, a large mug of steaming coffee in front of him as he stared down on a piece of paper with letters scribbled all over it, the wrinkles in hi forehead quite pronounced as he seemingly tried to figure something out.

 

“Where is everyone?” Brian asked confused, catching the attention of his two near family members as he walked further into the kitchen, past Briana to the coffee machine so that he could pour himself a cup. Going out for a run without food in his stomach of even caffeine in his blood hadn’t been a very good idea, and he was starting to realize that right now. His sight was starting to become a little bit hazey with sleep, but he guessed and hoped that he could save himself with said food and caffeine right now.

 

“Yev and Lana are at the other house, and aunt Mandy dragged dad with her downtown for some last minute fitting or something, I wasn’t really listening” Briana explained, her twin brother acknowledging the answer with a hum as he sat down with his cup of coffee, making sure to sit a little bit closer to Ian than he normally would, if only because he was curious to see what he was working on.

 

Ian stayed quiet as he looked down at the messy paper, his head completely spinning around and around. He shouldn’t have pushed this whole thing with them writing their own vows, it was too much pressure. How the fuck was he supposed to collect twenty five years of being in love with this man into a few promises? He wanted to give him everything in the entire world.

 

‘I promise to be faithful to you. I promise to be truthful to you’ all of those lines were classic - and they would be true, of course. But Ian didn’t want classic. He wanted something raw, and something real - something like his and Mickey’s relationship. Ian wanted to stand up on that altar and say something that nobody had said at an altar ever before.

 

Something that was completely tapered to fit the two of them. It had seemed like a great idea when they had first gotten engaged, but they were getting married in six hours, and he still had nothing.

 

“Is that your vows?” Brian asked over his shoulder, placing a large spoon of cereal into his mouth, chewing quite loudly. Ian hummed, biting the inside of his bottom lip as his gaze stayed on the page, eyebrows furrowed.

 

“I don’t know what to say” Ian admitted through a mumble, using his yellow pencil to scratch out the line about how he would always love Mickey through thick and thin - it was way too cheesy and not at all original enough. Fuck, why did he do this again? Why hadn’t he just agreed to the whole normal routine thing? They would still be married, it wouldn’t have changed all that much.

  
 “Why did you want until just now?” He heard their daughter ask as she continued moving around the kitchen.

 

“I didn’t, I’ve been trying to get these right for weeks” Ian sighed, bringing his free hand up towards his hairline, running the tips of his fingers through the red strands, the frown still very much etched into his features.

 

No matter what he said, thought, or wrote in reliance to his vows - his promises to Mickey - nothing seemed to be good enough. Nothing seemed to be, well… enough. It didn’t make it any better that he had no fucking idea what Mickey had written.

 

What if Mickey ended up coming up with something huge and super romantic? That was - despite his never ending efforts to hide it - his thing. Mickey did kind of love being romantic and doing big things for Ian. For example when he had come out; other people may not see it the way that Ian did, because his fiancé’s huge romantic gestures rarely included shit like candles or roses, but that didn’t mean that they weren’t just that - romantic.

 

So in conclusion, it wasn’t all too crazy to think that maybe Mickey’s vows would be the most amazing thing that Ian had ever heard - they would be. If only for the fact that they came from Mickey.

 

So how was Ian supposed to compete with that? He knew that he was going a little bit crazy over this whole thing, but he just couldn’t really help it all that much. It was who he was. Mickey was finally going to be his husband, and so he just really, really wanted everything to be completely perfect at their wedding.

 

“Don’t think so much” Briana’s voice made Ian look up, frowning her way; she was standing on the other side of the kitchen island, leaning over the counter as she looked her stepfather in the eye, dark eyebrows slightly raised as if she was saying ‘Are you seriously not getting this?’. “Look…” She continued, and her brother looked at her, trying to figure out what she was about to say. “You can’t be talking for a million years up there, so just say the most important stuff. Find two or three vows that you know you’ll always keep. If they sound basic then just figure out a unique way to say them”

 

Briana’s left shoulder went up into some kind of a shrug, and Ian’s frown deepened a little bit. It sounded so fucking easy when Briana explained it, yet he couldn’t help but still find it incredibly difficult. Ian shifted his gaze back down onto the messy paper, silently praying to god that whatever he was going to say would come to him within six hours. Otherwise he was completely and utterly screwed.

 

  
“Do I look alright?” Brian asked. He was standing by the tall, skinny mirror in his room, his right side facing the shiny surface as he looked up into his favorite pair of brown eyes. Cole smiled at him, reaching to fix his tie ever so slightly, making sure that the strip of dark green fabric looked perfect and completely straight against the white shirt.

 

“You look perfect” Cole assured him, his tongue darting out to wet his own bottom lip. The truth was that as far as he could remember, he had never actually seen his boyfriend in a suit in the past, he knew that it made him feel like a fucking penguin, just like it did most people.

 

But he also had to admit that it was a hotter sight than anything he had ever seen in the past. Even that old Metallica tee with the sleeves ripped off that Brian would wear once in while. At the words, Brian grinned at his boyfriend, unable to keep himself from stretching his neck upwards, pressing their lips together in a deep and flawless kiss.

 

Cole’s hands landed on Brian’s waist as their tongues slid surely over one another’s, their lips lightly nipping at each other’s. Brian brought his right hand up to Cole’s jaw, his thumb resting gently on his chin as he leaned into the touch, feeling as if it was completely impossible for him to ever get enough of this. Enough of him.

 

“Oh; sorry…” At the sound of his sister’s voice, Brian broke the kiss, both of them turning towards the doorway. Yevgeny was next to her, both of them dressed in fancy clothing, just like Brian and Cole.

 

Yevgeny was wearing a classic black suit, his blonde hair a complete mess on top of his head as per usual. Briana had on a simple and tight long sleeved dress that hit right above her knees. It looked as if it was especially made for her, though - or maybe just tapered last minute to fit because on the right side there was nothing. Usually there were some extra fabric since she would have to tuck it into the clothing piece, but it was just completely flat, and it looked great.

 

Her black hair was left in the natural curls that her and Brian both got from their mother, one side of it pulled back so that from the front it almost looked as if she had a sidecut.

 

“It’s alright, come in” Cole assured them both, placing a hand on his boyfriend’s lower back; Brian had to fight not to completely lean into him and settled for leaning into that touch instead. Although it was way too tempting to just shove his siblings out of his room and wrestle Cole down onto the bed - now was not the time and he would have to save that for later.

 

“So you guys are all good again?” Briana asked carefully, folding her arm in front of her and cupping it around the right side of her waist - her version of ‘crossing her arms’ these days. She had to admit that Cole and Brian looked really good together - not because of how they actually looked physically, although that was a pretty nice sight as well.

 

No, Briana loved how they looked together because whenever they both were in the same room together, both pairs of eyes seemed to somehow light up. As if they instantly became happier, even if they hadn't been sad.

 

There just seemed to be more life inside of them both when they were together. It was the same thing with her dads. In the past, Briana also had to admit that she hadn’t been the biggest believer in love, but in the past year she had started to come around a little bit. Maybe it was possible anyhow.

 

“Yeah” Brian answered his sister’s question with a soft smile stretched out across his lips. “Yeah, we’re good” He met his brother’s eyes for a second, and Yevgeny just gave him a small, kind nod. Almost as if to say ‘Way to go, bro. I’m proud of you’.

 

Brian had always been stronger than Yevgeny when it came to making decisions. Whether it was about relationships, or colleges, or speeches - or what fucking food they were all going to ear for dinner - Brian had always been the one to go ‘Aye, fuck it. Let’s just do this’.

 

Yevgeny had an incredibly difficult time with that stuff. But he also knew that his little brother was one of the best people that he knew, and so if there was one person on earth who truly deserved a good and loving relationship, it was him.

 

“So are we ready to leave?” Briana finally asked; the three guys nodded and soon they were turning around and walking towards the front door, heading towards their father’s wedding. Something they had never thought that they would be saying.

 

  
Even when Ian had arrived to the church, he didn’t quite have his vows all written out the way that he wanted to have them. How the fuck did people actually do this?

 

How did they just stand at an altar with the person they loved, in front of millions - well, not millions but with the nervousness that Ian was currently carrying around in his stomach it might as well be - of people looking at them? It wasn’t as if Ian was worried that either of them would back out, that wasn’t it.

 

He knew that neither of them would ever do that, they had made it all too far and they both knew that somehow they would end up back here anyway.

 

No, what he was worried about was something entirely different. Ian loved Mickey so fucking much - more than anything else in his life. Well, he did love the kids to almost the same degree of course, but he didn’t feel as if they fit on quite the same scale.

 

His deep love for Mickey meant that he just needed everything to be perfect. Their vows, their entire wedding, the reception - every little detail. This was a day that they would both be remembering for the rest of their entire lives.

 

For some reason, with that thought his frown deepened a little bit further, and Ian looked up from the little, scribble covered papers. That was right. How the fuck had he never thought about this before just now?

 

Today he was marrying Mickey Milkovich.

 

They were going to be husbands, and he was officially going to be Ian Milkovich. They were all going to be one big happy family - literally, and not in a sarcastic way. This wasn’t supposed to be the day when they had a perfect wedding, this wasn’t supposed to be the day when not one single detail went wrong - because he had to face it now, expectations that high would do nothing but end up disappointing him.

 

No, this was supposed to be the day when he was standing at an altar together with Mickey, promising him forever. No matter how many things would end up going ‘wrong’ - how could today possibly end up being anything other than completely and utterly perfect?

 

With that thought, Ian ripped the papers up.

 

  
“I fucking got it, Mands. I look fine, for fucks sakes” Mickey complained as his sister seemingly insisted on straightening his tie over and over again - there was no way that it wasn’t hanging straight down his chest by now, but she continued fingering at it anyway.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry” She mumbled, sounding as if she was actually holding some tears in. “It’s just… you’re finally gonna be married. After everything and I’m…” Mandy rarely showed a ton of emotion in this particular manner - neither did Mickey - but he had to admit that as he heard his sister’s thick voice, his own throat was beginning to become a little bit thick with tears. Today was emotional, and he would never be able to escape that fact.

 

“You’re gonna make me cry too” Mickey finally groaned. “You’re officially the worst best person ever” Mandy shook her head, clearing her throat as he looked up into her brother’s blue eyes, giving his tie one last tug.

 

“You’re right. I’m sorry. Let’s go get you married”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always very appreciated! I love hearing your thoughts and opinions <3 I'm wishing you all an amazing day!


	44. La Vie En Rose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I vow to be your partner in crime - and in life”

Walking up to the altar, Mickey’s stomach was tumbling in the most violent way - of course it was. This was his wedding. Their wedding. After every single tragedy and bump in the road that they had been through together - they were here. They were together; just as they always would be.

 

Mickey had never really seen himself getting married again after the whole thing with Svetlana, for the past two decades, the word marriage had just made him want to throw up. But here he was, with Ian - they were finally getting married and he would never in his entire life want it any other way. He would never want anybody else.

 

As soon as the men’s eyes fell onto each others, though, Mickey felt his stomach immediately calming down. It was the effect that those green eyes had had on him ever since he had been eighteen.

 

The sun was breaking through the clouds above them ever so slightly, birds singing somewhere in the distance. The family members that weren’t up on the altar with them were sitting in their chairs, looking up at the happy couple. Mandy and Svetlana - along with Briana - had done the most amazing job when it came to the decorations and the flowers. White roses were placed sort of all over the place; on the sides of the aisle and above their heads.

 

Brian and Yevgeny stood behind their father - while Mickey had technically chosen his sister to be his best man - or best person, as she had chosen to label herself - she was actually the one that was going to marry them, so had to stand in between the two men instead.

 

Of course Ian and Mickey’s initial plan had been to get a priest, but in the end, they had decided to let Mandy get ordained online instead. It was as if they had been through too much - this day and this moment was too important to have some stranger there to bind them together for the rest of their lives. They had wanted somebody who had been there through it all, every single step of the way.

 

Mandy had been the obvious choice despite the fact that Mickey was sure that she would take the chance to embarrass him a little bit in a second or so. He didn’t really care about that all too much - nothing could ruin today for him.

 

Briana was standing behind Ian, acting as his best man. For a few days he had considered just asking Lip; his older brother had been nothing but the obvious choice. They had been through a lot together growing up and despite the fact that he was an asshole sometimes, in one way or another he had always supported Ian and wanted the best for him. But in the end, Ian had wanted Briana behind him today. After everything, it only seemed right.

 

Ian and Mickey didn’t pay attention to their kids right now, though. They didn’t look at their families and they weren’t listening to the birds chirping beautifully in the distance. They had eyes and ears for the man in front of them, and him alone.

 

As soon as Mickey had been close enough, Ian had reached forwards to lace their fingers together, he hadn’t been able to help himself. He needed to feel that pressure of Mickey’s palms against his own. Their eyes were deep into each other’s, nothing but pure happiness coursing throughout their veins.

 

“When my brother first met Ian Gallagher” Mandy begun in a happy sigh, and Mickey had to dig his teeth into the inside of his bottom lip at the few words; he thought that maybe he could feel his heart swell to ten times it’s original size and he immediately knew that he wouldn’t be able to get through this wedding without breaking down into tears, no matter how much he might like to. Ian’s eyes were already shiny, red with happy tears; his mouth was pulled into a large, but closed-mouthed smile and the beauty of it distracted Mickey for a second. “Ian was friends with me at first - Mick, you stole him from me, by the way. Thank you very much”

 

The entire crowd shook with a few chuckles, the grooms joining in; their hands squeezing each other’s for a second in reassurance.

 

“Mickey despised Ian - at least that’s what he liked people to think” Mandy continued, swallowing as the air around the wedding grew a little bit more serious again.

 

Briana tilted her head slightly to the side, looking at her aunt as she spoke, her heart beating a little bit faster than it usually did. The truth was that she was so fucking happy that her father was finally getting his happy ending - and nothing in the entire world could make this wedding any more perfect. This moment. Everything was so beautiful.

 

“For the longest time, I thought that my best friend and my brother hated each other’s guts. Although, I remember that for the better part of a year or so, Ian used to talk to me about this guy that he was…” Mandy’s eyes flickered to the small children watching. “Kissing” She settled on, making everyone let out another few chuckles. “I remember Ian talking about this guy constantly” Mickey raised his eyebrows in mock surprise, and Ian dug his teeth into his cheek, giving him one or two small nods - so small that they probably weren’t noticeable to anybody but his groom. “In fact, one time he even asked me how he could find out if this guy liked him back. I asked him if he got that look in his eye when they were together, and he didn’t know what I was talking about. I think he does now”

 

At the words, Ian’s throat felt unbelievably tight, and he couldn’t help himself as he slipped his right hand out of Mickey’s, bringing it up to the side of his face, if only just to hold him for a second. He didn’t care what it looked like, this was they wedding and he could so whatever he wanted. Mickey easily leaned into the touch, swallowing as their eyes stayed deep into one another’s.

 

“One day, I guess they just got tired of hiding the love that they carried around for each other. A love that has made us all believe in it. Again and again” Mickey wasn’t looking, but he could tell that his sister was starting to cry at this point. Ian’s hand slipped down from his face, lacing together with his own once again. A small tear trailed down the taller groom’s face, and Mickey could feel himself growing closer and closer to it as well. “These two…” Mandy continued after taking a second or two to collect herself. “They have been through so much together. There is not a single couple in the entire world that deserves their happily ever after more”

 

Mickey swallowed thickly, his tongue once again darting out to wet his dry lips; as Mandy had been talking, one or two more tears had rolled down Ian’s cheek and it was getting more and more difficult for Mickey to keep from crying with every single second that ticked by. It was completely and utterly surreal - they were finally standing here. After all of the shit that they had tugged each other through - here they were.

 

“Ian?” Mandy said softly, and the younger groom forced himself to break his and Mickey’s eye contact as he nodded ever so slightly, turning around to accept the ring that their daughter was handing him. His eyes fell onto the brown ones for a second, and Briana gave her stepfather a warm, kind smile. He turned back around, his gaze once again falling upon the man that he was so fucking in love with. The blue eyes were glossy, the beautiful round face slightly flushed, lips parted.

 

“Mickey” Ian finally gathered up the courage to sigh, a few more tears immediately dropping from his eyes, sliding down his face and creating wet streaks in the pale flesh of his cheeks. “Baby, I think that I have been in love with you since the second I saw you” His voice was deep, thick and clouded by the tears he was shedding by now. His grip around Mickey’s hand grew even a little bit tighter as the shorter man finally let a tear roll down his own face, unable to fight it and not sure that he wanted to. “I think we were, what? Eleven?” Mickey snorted, his head moving slowly up and down in a nod. “We were on the little league, you got thrown off the team for pissing on first base and I thought you were so cool”

 

Another few chuckles ran through the crowd, smiles perched on the lips of every single person that was listening. Briana’s eyebrows were slightly knitted together in confusion despite her grin; she had no fucking idea that her father had ever gotten thrown off a baseball team. She quite enjoyed finding out these small meaningless things about her family.

 

“It’s been a long fucking road since then, and I don’t know how we’re lucky enough to be standing here today. But here we are”

 

 _“Here we are”_ Mickey couldn't help but mouth back. Ian swallowed visibly, both men crying now, doing their best to keep from full on sobbing - they could do that later. Right now they just needed to get through their vows.

 

Their stomachs were completely knotted up in the best possible way, nothing but happiness and nostalgia coursing throughout their veins. They weren't the same people that they had been when they were eleven, of course - fuck, they weren’t even the same people that they had been back when they had been in their teenage years. But they loved each other more than anything, and in the end, that was worth so much more. That love was something that would never change.

 

“I can’t promise you that I am never going to hurt you, Mickey. I can’t promise you that I won’t make any mistakes in our life together” Ian spoke then, sounding a little bit more collected now despite the tears still steadily trailing down his cheeks. “But with this ring…” Their eyes slipped apart for a second, Ian’s gaze moving down to his groom’s hand as he slid the thick gold band onto his ring-finger, watching it travel over the ‘U’ before finally settling at the bottom of his finger, where it would stay. “I promise you that I will always be honest with you. I will be faithful” Ian continued speaking, their eyes once again connecting. “I vow to be your partner in crime - and in life” Mickey clenched his eyes shut for the better part for a second before he opened them again, a few tears falling off of his eyelashes in the process, his mouth pulled into a large grin, his heart beating so fast and hard for the beautiful man in front of him that he thought it might burst out of his chest at some point. “Always”

 

By the time Ian finished, he was crying even harder than before, struggling not to make unnecessary noises to go with the tears. Mickey joined in, unable to keep from it as he reveled in the cold feeling of the ring wrapped around his finger. It both looked and felt so fucking perfect - right. As if he had been waiting his entire life to have it there - as if he had waited his entire life for Ian to be his husband.

 

“Mickey” Mandy collected herself enough to say. She had to admit that watching her brother and her best friend tie the knot was turning out to be even more emotional than she had anticipated. A lot of the time she felt as if she and Svetlana had gone through to much shit to get to where they are now, but it was truly nothing compared to Ian and Mickey.

 

It wasn’t just the large things they had suffered through, either - Terry, Mickey’s wedding to Svetlana, Ian’s disorder, the breakup, the shooting - it was small things as well. Arguments and jealousy and things like that. They had been in love with each other for the better half of their entire lives, and now they finally had the chance slide rings onto each other’s fingers. It was just… way too much for all of them. Anybody who knew their story and didn’t cry was anything but a mortal in her humble opinion. As her brother started talking, she reached up to wipe a few tears off of her cheek.

 

“Ian” Mickey sighed after turning around to accept the ring handed to him by his oldest son. His eyes were deep into the green pair in front of him. The color of Ian’s eyes seemed even for vibrant that it usually did, almost as if Mickey would literally be able to get lost in the beauty. “You know I’ve uh…” He spoke, voice thick as Ian gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. “I’ve never been that good at expressing my feelings, but here it goes” Ian’s tongue darted out to wet his own bottom lip as he waited, the slightly salty taste of his own tears coating his tongue. “We’ve been through so much shit, you and I. But no matter what, we always seem to end up back together” Mickey spoke truthfully, a few tears trailing down the side of his face and down towards his chin.

 

Ian blinked softly, swallowing thickly as he hung onto every single word of Mickey’s speech.

 

“You know me, I don’t think that it’s fate, or… magic or some shit. I just think that it’s you and me. Loving each other. Choosing each other. Over and over again. No matter what” The older man did his absolute best to express how he felt despite the fact that he wasn’t all too sure how to do that.

 

Sure, in the privacy of their own bedroom he could say whatever he wanted to Ian. He had the confidence to be as silly or as cheesy as he possibly could, and the taller man had never once made him feel weird about it. But now, at their wedding. This was the most important speech that Mickey would ever give in his entire life. Of course it was scary.

 

“With this ring…” Mickey continued, eyes still deep into the green ones as he slid the gold band onto Ian’s long, pale finger; feeling it fit perfectly. Like it was where it was supposed to be; where it had always belonged and where it would always stay. “I promise to be honest with you, Ian. I will always be faithful” He repeated the basic vows that Ian had given him before moving on. “And I will always…” His voice was dark, clouded by tears before he trailed off for a second, feeling a tear drip down onto his tie. “Always choose you”

 

When Mickey finished talking, both of the grooms were full on sobbing - along with Lana, Mandy, their three children and most of the people in the crowd were at least shedding a few tears. They were here. They had fucking made it. After every trial, every heartbreak - they were fucking here. Married.

 

“Alright, fuck. I pronounce you husbands, just kiss already” Mandy cursed through her tears, voice thick.

 

“Thank fucking god” Ian cursed right back, immediately dropping Mickey’s grip and instead placing his hands on the sides of his face, cradling his beautiful husband as he surged in for a deep, passionate kiss. Mickey put his left hand on the back of the taller man’s neck, wrapping his tie around his right one, tugging him down to him. The grins never left their faces as they pulled apart and went in for more, their tongues sliding over each other.

 

A lot of the time when they would kiss like this, they were horny. Boiling over with sexual need and tension. This wasn’t that. No, in this very moment as the crowd stood up and started clapping, they weren’t really feeling anything for each other except for pure, unadulterated and true love.

 

  
_“Hold me close and hold me fast; this magic spell you cast. This is la vie en rose”_ Louis Armstrong’s voice poured out of the speakers and over the floor as Ian and Mickey held each other in their arms, having their first dance. By now, other people and couples were littered a little bit around them, enjoying the music as well.

 

Per Mandy’s idea, the reception was being held in a large tent - well, it actually wasn’t a tent so much as just a white roof over their heads. It was a good thing, too because by now the rain was chattering against the fabric above them all. The darkness was slowly starting to fall outside, and Mickey realized that he never in his entire life had felt happier or more at peace than in this very moment. Mickey had Ian - his husband - in his arms, his children were around him, and they were happy. Their families were here, the beautiful music continued hugging them all. The sound of the rain, the comfort of the sun setting in the distance, everything was completely and utterly perfect.

 

When Mickey and Ian had first stepped out onto the dance floor, of course they had actually danced. Ian had led - fucking bastard - and all of that shit. But by now they were mostly just swaying from side to side, enjoying each other’s presence. Mickey’s cheek was leaned against Ian’s chest, the top of his head fitting perfectly in the crook of his neck. The long arms were wrapped around his body, the square chin a soothing weight on the black hair. Mickey’s own arms were wound around Ian’s waist, clasped together in the middle of his back.

 

He was still getting used to the feel of the goldband wrapped around his finger, it felt so fucking strange. Not in a bad way of course, but it felt strange that after everything that they had been through together, it was finally there. Always and forever wasn’t just a wish or a hope anymore - it was a promise. A vow. Almost as if Ian was able to read Mickey’s thoughts - which, after so many years together, they practically could - his low voice reached Mickey’s ear, meant for him and him alone.

 

“I love you so much, Mickey” Mickey let his eyes fall closed for a second, drinking the sound in as he did his best to tighten his hold around his husband, pulling himself even a little bit closer to his body.

 

“I love you” He spoke back, the three words ending in a loud, content sigh as they continued swaying back and forth, his eyes slowly slipping open again, taking in the perfect night.

 

  
“Is this whole thing just making you sad?” Briana asked, sitting down by a table next to her older brother. They were practically the only two people who weren't out on the dance floor. Even Iggy was dancing together with his wife. Brian and Cole weren’t anywhere close to be seen, but they were two teenage boys in love - Briana didn’t really care to find out what they were currently up to.

 

“Why would it?” Yevgeny said, voice flat. He supposed that it was understandable that he did feel a little bit sad watching his father and Ian tie the knot.

 

Not because he didn’t think that they deserved happiness or anything like that, but because he had truly thought that he and Charlie would be the ones up there the next time he was at a wedding. He quite obviously blew that though, and as much as he was slowly but surely getting over her, being at a wedding quite obviously brought some memories back. Visions of what could have been. What almost was. He had been completely fine during the ceremony and a good while into the reception, but now that everything had kind of calmed down a little bit, his mind was starting to spin.

 

Briana didn’t answer his question, knowing that it hadn’t come out of his mouth for any reason other than to buy himself some time. She would love to defend her brother, but in this whole Charlie thing, she couldn’t. Cheating was terrible and quite honestly, it bothered her when she saw Yevgeny pouting about it. Sometimes at least - it depended on what kind of mood she was currently in. At times, she did sympathize.

 

“I guess it does. A little bit” Yevgeny finally admitted out loud, swallowing. Briana nodded, both sibling’s gazes focused ahead at the people dancing. Briana’s eyes fell on her aunt Mandy and Svetlana. She had always admired them and their relationship. Ian and her dad’s journey might have been tough, but it wasn’t nearly as strange or as fucked up as Mandy and Lana’s.

 

Yet somehow they had made it, and after several years together, they still always seemed more in love than ever. Watching them sometimes calmed Briana down quite a bit, it always had. Because if they could find their way through all of the bullshit, then maybe she could too. Not just in her love-life, but in… just life.

 

  
“Fuck” Cole cursed, voice thick and touch; laced with need. The aluminum of Brian’s car chilled his back, even through his suit jacket; both of his hands were on his boyfriend’s head, fingers tangling themselves into the long, dark and wet hair. His eyes were clenched completely shut, his stomach tumbling around and around as Brian worked away on his large cock, slurping and hollowing his cheeks like a fucking pornstar or some shit.

 

Cole guessed that the older boy still felt a little bit guilty about the whole pulling away thing, and as much as he didn’t need to be anymore since Cole had clearly forgiven him, he was starting not to mind his apologies all too much. The darkness of the night hugged them both, the lights and the music of the party still going on echoing quite a bit away from them.

 

Brian had his large hands securely placed around his boyfriend’s hips, keeping him in place so that he could bob his head up and down his cock at a fast pace, almost managing to take all eight and a half inches down. He loved the heavy feel on his tongue, the slight tinge of salt that came with the precome dripping out of the perfect cock.

 

There was honestly not one single thing that he disliked about being down on his knees for Cole - except for the pain in said knees, of course. Right now he was kneeling straight onto gravel in his suit, and it wasn’t all too comfortable, he had to admit. But the wonderful way in which Cole tugged on his hair, urging him on, more than made up for it.

 

The rain continued to pour down onto them, but neither of them could currently gather up the energy to give a fuck. Instead they were both wrapped up inside of their own personal little bubble where nothing else mattered. Brian’s eyes stayed shut as he did his best to suck Cole’s brain out through his cock, swirling his tongue over the slit whenever he got the chance, driving his boyfriend even a little bit closer to insanity than he already was. The older man hummed a little bit, with no intention other than to make sure the sound waves would roll straight into Cole’s cock, making the blow job all that more mind-blowing.

 

“Brian” Cole’s voice was even a little bit thicker now, and Brian felt his grip on his hair start to grow a little bit tighter, his hips starting to twitch forwards a little bit, thirsting to slam his cock even further down into Brian’s throat, despite the hands holding his body in a steady grip.

 

All the tell tale signs of Cole growing closer and closer to the edge were there, and Brian gave him another hum, starting to speed up a little bit, his nose managing to hit the black pubic hairs on every third bob of his head or so as he led his love closer and closer, wanting to do everything and anything in his power to make sure that his high would end up as amazing as possible.

 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck. Baby - “ With that, Cole’s entire body froze, heaps of come spilling down Brian’s throat. The older man stilled taking it all as they both opened their eyes, Cole looking down as Brian blinked up innocently, patiently waiting for him to finish off. When all of the semen seemed to be spilled, he pulled off with a plop before standing up. He walked a few steps to the left, spitting it out onto the road, seeing no reason to swallow. Sometimes he would, but right now he just wasn’t feeling it; besides, Cole had never really seemed to care all that much what Brian did after he came.

 

“Come here” Brian spoke once Cole had tucked himself back into his pants, both of them starting to regain their breaths. He placed his hands on the back of the taller man’s neck, tilting his own head upwards a little bit as he pressed their lips together, the butterflies in the pit of his stomach just as powerful now as they always had been - and probably always would be.

 

  
“It looks right” Ian said thoughtfully. He was sitting next to his husband by one of the tables, all of the food since long consumed. He had his arm wrapped around Mickey’s shoulder’s, their interlaced hands stretched out in front of them, gold-bands exposed. Mickey hummed lowly; he was completely correct. The rings looked nothing short of home as they rested around their fingers.

 

In fact, Mickey had no fucking idea why they had ended up waiting so long. Marrying Ian hadn’t been scary - at least not in the way that he had assumed that it would be. The one and only feeling that was currently settling through his veins was comfort. Stability and happiness, all that shit. Not one single bad feeling or worry was currently haunting him, which was something that felt quite new. But he liked it.

 

Ian turned his head, placing a soft kiss to his husband’s temple, unable to keep himself from it. For over two decades, this was all he had wanted. Mickey Milkovich as his husband - now he actually had it. His one dream had come true for real. He thought that maybe it would still be a little while before he was actually able to soak all of this in.

 

“Excuse me” Mickey’s eyebrows knitted together a little bit at the voice ringing over the dance floor; he and Ian - along with the rest of the guests - turned towards the tiny little stage, their eyes landing on Briana and Yevgeny, standing up by the microphone. Yevgeny had his guitar hanging over his one shoulder, and Mickey tilted his head slightly to the side, wondering what was happening. “It’s been a while since me and my brother have played any music, but we figured that this would be a good opportunity…” Briana continued, and Mickey couldn’t help the smile from spreading out over his lips, Ian’s hand squeezing his own. “We wrote this song for the grooms a few days ago, I hope that you will like it”

 

To say that Mickey was surprised would be the understatement of the year to say the least, he had had no clue whatsoever that his children were planning to sing anything. In fact - as musically gifted as both his daughter and eldest son were - he hadn’t heart them create any music in surely a year, maybe even two. As they got ready to start playing, Ian leaned over to whisper into his husband’s ear.

 

“I didn’t know that they made music” Mickey’s tongue darted out to wet his own bottom lip as he shook his head slightly from side to side.

 

“They haven’t played in years” He whispered back, inching himself a tiny bit closer to Ian as his son started picking at the guitar hung around his neck, Briana closing her eyes as she started singing, her beautiful voice hugging the perfectly written words.

 

 _“I know it was just a moment ago, when we stepped out on this road”_ She sang. With every single tone, Mickey could feel his heart swell a little bit, his eyes starting to tear up once again. _“But now I can’t imagine love without you here”_

 

Mickey’s gaze was fixed onto his beautiful children, his head leaned into the crook of Ian’s neck. How the fuck his kids had ended up to beautiful, talented and perfect with only him as a parent, he didn't know. But he was grateful for it every single day. There had been a point in time when Briana and Yevgeny had played and written music a lot, but then he had gone off to college and it had just kind of tapered off. Then the shooting had happened, and the entire family had had so much things to deal with. Hearing Briana singing again, hearing Yevgeny picking the guitar - it was worth so much.

 

Not to mention how amazing the song was within itself; the words and the music. Briana’s voice hugging the lyrics perfectly, making goosebumps appear on every single inch of both Mickey and Ian’s skin. A tear trailed down Mickey’s cheek, and he wouldn’t have been able to stop it even if he had wanted to. He was so fucking proud.

  
  
Briana continued singing, each word more beautiful than the last.

 

_“It’s not the end, but one more day. Until we make it through; know that I love you. I will be brave. I will be strong. Nothing can tear us apart. Just one more step; just one more breath. For you, I will; I will be_

_brave”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That happened.
> 
> <3 
> 
> (BTW: I am sure that this bothers nobody but me, but the scrollbar on the side of the page is becoming a little bit longer. I just thought that I'd let you know these chapters are all around the same wordcount that they always have been in this story, I've just started spacing it out a little bit less!)
> 
> (Briana's song is 'Be Brave' by Cierra Ramirez)


	45. The Rest Of You Is Paradise;

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I guess it’s official” Ian sighed, dropping a warm kiss to his husband’s temple. Mickey let out a hum in wonder, tilting his neck back, their eyes connecting in the darkness of the room. “We’re an old married couple” Mickey grinned, cheesily nudging Ian’s chin with his nose.
> 
> “We did it”

“Wait, wait, wait” Ian reached his right hand out to the side, placing a flat palm onto his husband’s chest to make them both stop walking, turning towards each other. The sky was somewhat of a grey blue above them, in an hour or so it would be black with the night. The sand underneath their still covered feet was just about completely white, and though with where they were standing, their hut was currently somewhat in the way, they could see parts of the crystal clear, turquoise water.

 

When the two of them had first gotten engaged and started planning their wedding and honeymoon, said honeymoon hadn’t really been something that they had felt the need to make a big deal. The original idea had just been to stay in Miami and get a hotel room for a day or two. But Mandy had pushed them and pushed them, reminding the men that this was their first and only time getting married - not one single person in the family counted Mickey and Svetlana’s short-lived marriage, save for Yevgeny it was nothing but bad memories - and so they damn well deserved a real honeymoon.

 

When bora bora had been brought up, of course Mickey had started shaking his head immediately. Not because he wouldn’t like to have a few days in paradise with Ian, but because it had just felt way too extravagant for the two of them. As time had gone on, though, he had pretty quickly realized that this was what Ian wanted, so he had gone alone with it. And the truth was that he had never been happier about anything, because this place was nothing short of fucking just that - paradise. They had managed to get a hut that was kind of on the edge of the resort, meaning that they could be pretty much left alone to do whatever the fuck they wanted. From the outside, so far it didn’t look all too large, but Mickey couldn’t imagine that they would end up spending a lot of time out of bed anyway.

 

“We just got married, Mick. I have to carry you over the threshold” Ian said, eyes deep into Mickey’s. They had both had a small amount of alcohol on the plane, but not enough that Mickey would agree to that. He had agreed to the wedding, the reception, the honeymoon - none of which he would ever regret in his entire life. But he had a feeling he wanted to draw the line at cheesy cliché’s like being carried over the threshold. Nope.

 

“Ah, come on, man” Mickey shook his head gently, a silly smile stretched out across his face. “We’re not doing that” Ian tilted his head slightly to the side, unable to keep himself from mirroring his husband’s facial expression. Both men’s cheekbones were starting to sting with how much they had been smiling in the past few hours, but neither of them could seem to stop, nor did they see much of a reason to.

 

“Mickey, baby. Can we just… do this right? Please?” Ian practically begged. Mickey stayed still, looking up into the deep green eyes as he let his head spin, quickly forcing himself to make up his mind.

 

“Fuck, fine” He finally nodded, and Ian’s grin grew even a little bit more. “But you’re not carrying me” Before Ian could really comprehend what was happening, Mickey had hitched his small bag further up onto his shoulder and he was taking the one or two steps closer to his husband, placing his arms behind his thighs.

 

A small yelp escaped Ian’s lips as he was lifted up bridal style - a result of both the act and the small amount of alcohol coursing throughout his veins. Technically he wasn’t all that much heavier than Mickey, but he was quite a bit taller, which did add some weight, meaning that it took a great deal of strength out of the shorter man to actually hold him up as he walked towards the door of their hut.

 

“Oh my god” Ian laughed lowly, his arms securely wrapped around his husband’s neck, forehead resting against his temple, small kisses being pressed to the side of his face. Mickey focused just about all of his energy on getting them over the threshold and into their hut without falling, but he also couldn’t help but join Ian in laughing.

 

Neither of them had had all that much to drink at all to be honest, but it was as if they were completely piss drunk by now, maybe because they were just fucking happy. Happy and content in a way that they had never quite felt in the past. Maybe they were just drunk and high on love and life - no matter how fucking cheesy that sounded.

 

Ian kept a steady hold around Mickey’s neck to help him hold his weight up as he continued pressing wet, sloppy and happy kissed to his face, wandering down to his jawline. At first the act had been sweet and loving, but now he was quickly switching over to another territory; his tongue teasingly swiping over the area he had just been kissing.

 

“I fucking love you” He couldn’t help but mumble against the perfectly pale skin, right as Mickey bent his knees a little bit, unwrapping his arms from around his husband’s waist and legs, easing him to stand on his own once again when they were inside of the hut.

 

It wasn’t all that large at all, but it was fucking perfect for the two of them. Once they entered the door, they immediately stood facing another one that was made out of glass, almost taking up the entire opposite wall. Outside there was nothing but the large beach, the white sand and a little bit further down, the beautiful water. A large and round bed was placed to their left, white and fluffy sheets covering the mattress, and across from it was a television, screwed up onto the wall. There was also another tiny door to their right, and Mickey guessed that it was the bathroom. Maybe they would end up looking around a little bit more later.

 

Right now his husband was standing before him, arms safely wrapped around his middle as he nipped and licked at the skin right under his jawline. Mickey swallowed, closing his eyes and leaning his head back a little bit; he could feel the slight itch of Ian’s beard and he loved it even to this day. He didn’t know what the fuck it was about seeing the small red hairs all over his husband’s face, but he got so fucking upset on the rare occasions that Ian went against his obvious will and shaved it all off. Ian hadn’t brought his razor on their honeymoon, though - per Mickey’s request - and Mickey knew that it would just grow more and more for everyday and he couldn’t fucking wait.

 

“Fucking want you” Ian mumbled, voice slightly muffled as his face was still buried in Mickey’s neck. “Now” Mickey’s eyes stayed closed as he placed a hand on the back of his husband’s neck, fingers slipping into the red strands as he felt his mouth keep moving, warm tongue darting out every now and then to lick across the already beautifully marked up skin. His left hand landed on Ian’s hip, impatiently sliding his hand in under his t shirt, impatiently tugging a little bit at the fabric, wishing that all of their clothes would just go away. He felt a soft hum sound in the base of his husband’s throat as Ian lifted his head, reaching behind himself to slide the piece of clothing off of his body, throwing it to the floor before placing his hand onto the back of Mickey’s neck, tugging him in for a deep and searing kiss.

 

This was them; teeth tongue, love and passion. They didn’t feel the need to light candles or go slow or anything like that, just because this would be their first time having sex as husbands. Whether it was rough and fast or not, every single time they had sex, they made love and they both knew that. They didn’t need to say it, and they didn’t need to constantly whisper into each other’s ears how much they loved each other. That’s not to say that they never had or never would do such a thing - sometimes it was what they wanted and craved.

 

But they didn’t need to. Maybe that was what made them so strong. Maybe that was their magic.

 

“I love you” Mickey finally reciprocated into Ian’s mouth as his husband’s free hand wandered down to his hips, carefully picking the edge of his shirt up, sliding a flat palm in underneath, feeling the heat in between them. A small, appreciative sound appeared in the base of Mickey’s throat, both of his hands now on the back of Ian’s neck, fingers tugging as the red hair as he pushed his tongue deep into his mouth, trying to force their bodies even closer together; wanting and craving everything.

 

Ian kept his right hand on the back of Mickey’s neck, his left arm laying steady around his waist, keeping them close as he turned them both around, starting to stumble the few steps over to the bed. Mickey let Ian take the lead, easily obeying the physical nudges and silent orders, his fists staying in the red hair, his mouth completely devouring his husband’s. For a second they both slipped apart ever so slightly, allowing Ian to lift Mickey’s shirt off of his body, throwing it to the side to join his own on the floor right as he pushed Mickey backwards onto the bed, climbing on top of him and reconnecting their mouths.

 

Mickey’s left hand fell back onto the back of Ian’s neck, his right arm wrapping around his upper body, flat palm resting in between his shoulder blades as both pairs of eyes stayed closed, tongues surely yet carefully exploring each other’s mouths, lips nipping at each other, both men having a hard time keeping their grins under control. They were fucking married. This was it. This was all they had ever wanted.

 

Their lips stayed just about glued together, neither of them wanting to take a break even to breathe. Ian added some pressure, sliding his flat palms all the way down from Mickey’s collarbones over his stomach and hips, drinking down every dip and muscle, somewhat kneading the flesh. Mickey’s appreciative sigh hit Ian’s tongue as the kiss continued, his body bucking up into every single one of Ian’s touches, craving all of him.

 

Ian kissed Mickey two more times, making sure to get his tongue deep into his mouth before pulling away, pressing a wet kiss to his collarbone instead, his hands staying safely curled around his hips as he slowly moved downwards, kissing all the way down his husband’s body although making sure to make each and every one sucking, biting to assure them both that Mickey’s beautifully pale skin would end up littered with small, perfect bruises, showing the world who he belonged to - just in case the thick gold bands wrapped around their fingers wouldn’t be proof enough that they were each other’s and only each other’s.

 

As Ian continued moving further down Mickey’s body and closer to the foot of the bed, Mickey couldn’t reach his back anymore. He let his left hand fall to lay down beside him as he moved his right hand to the top of Ian’s head, strands of hair slipping in between his fingertips as he lifted his head off of the bed, looking down, watching his husband press wet, biting kisses to his hip bones as the long fingers worked on getting his jeans undone.

 

A soft sigh escaped Mickey’s lips, his neck relaxing again as he let his head fall back against the white, fully pillow, his eyes closing, fingers staying in Ian’s hair.

 

Ian kept his lips in place, sucking on Mickey’s just barely visible V-line, his eyes closed. Neither of them were thinking all too much, they didn’t need to. They were just completely giving themselves to each other, just as they had always done and always would. He teasingly dragged his teeth over the lovebite at the same time as he got Mickey’s jeans undone, pulling them down along with his boxers. The two clothing pieces were thrown to the side along with his shoes, leaving Mickey completely bare and so, so beautiful, spread out on the bed for his husband.

 

Ian stopped for a second or two, looking up, just to observe the other man. The beautiful eyes that he loved so much were closed now, the perfectly plump lips parted in pleasure, soft breaths escaping his mouth. Ian’s gaze slid down from Mickey’s face, wandering over the rest of his body. The trail of hickey’s was just barely starting to show now, small red and pink marks floating to the surface of the pale skin, all the way from his jawline, ending with the large, almost purple one on his right hipbone.

 

Mickey’s rockhard erection was laying flat against his stomach, a few drops of precome leaking out of the beautiful, pink tip. Ian was sure that it was only his imagination - and the way his own cock was currently straining against his jeans - but he thought that he could almost see the tip of Mickey’s cock, and it was incredibly difficult for him to take his eyes off of the member. It crossed his mind that he hadn’t bottomed in quite a while; he would really like to take that perfect fucking cock inside of himself at some point during this honeymoon, but he would have to say that to Mickey later. Now wasn’t the time, not quite yet.

 

Ian’s hands rested safely, curled around his husband’s hips as he finally eased down ever so slightly further down the big, round bed, wasting little time before taking his begging cock into his mouth with ease, his own eyes slipping closed at the delicious, familiar feeling. He had sucked Mickey off surely upon thousands of times in the past, but he never ever got tired of it.

 

The slight tinge of salt coating his tongue from he precome, the weight and the way his lips forced to stretch just enough to fit him into his mouth. The way Mickey’s hand was somehow just about always in his hair, urging him on and the way that his hips involuntarily bucked up into the warm, tight heat. Between each other, they just about had this whole sex thing down to a science by now - it was the one thing that they had always been good at, no matter what. But the passion, the fire and the excitement, it just never faded despite this fact.

 

Ian swallowed down as much of Mickey’s cock as he possibly could, taking him down inch by inch before pulling off again and repeating the act, expertly sucking him off at a steady pace. He felt the grip on his hair tighten a little bit, small moans filling the room as he did everything he could to pleasure his husband. He continued bobbing his head, Mickey’s hips lifting once in a while, craving being taken deeper, wanting even more.

 

Ian let a low hum ring in the base of his throat, the vibrations rolling into his husband’s perfect cock, making a cry pour out from in between his parted lips, his head thrumming against his ribcage as Ian stopped moving his head for a second, focusing on the tip, sliding his tongue in teasing circles around the slit before going back in again, relaxing his throat as he sucked Mickey off, taking him deep enough that his nose brushed against the black hairs at the base of the cock.

 

“Fuck, fuck” Mickey cursed, eyes still clenched closed, his grip on the red strands tightening ever so slightly further as he started rocking his hips with bigger movements, completely and utterly unable to get even close to enough of his husband’s perfect mouth. “Baby”

 

The nickname urged Ian on even further, making his movements speed up even a little bit more; he bobbed his head at a fast pace, hollowing his cheeks as he slowly slid his left hand down from Mickey’s hip, cupping it slightly as he carefully rubbed his husband’s balls, making even louder cries escape his mouth as he started bucking violently up into Ian’s mouth, almost as if he had zero control of his own body anymore. Ian took it, though. He continued bobbing his head, moving his hand little bit, driving his husband to just about complete insanity as he used every single trick in the book to make sure that this was the best fucking blowjob he had received in a long fucking time.

 

Ian hollowed his cheeks little bit further, stilling his hand and bobbing his head two more times before he pulled off with a wet sounding ‘plop’, leaving Mickey’s flushed and exhausted body on the bed, letting him catch his breath as he turned around, quickly shedding the rest of his own clothes and finding the lube - Mandy was the one who had packed for them, so of course there were three new tubes, and Ian didn’t even want to acknowledge the fact that despite her trying to be funny, the truth was that it would most likely not be that much left over after this honeymoon.

 

Once he had it, he turned back towards the bed and realized that Mickey had let his eyes slide open once again, their gazes connecting. He looked more beautiful than ever before - which was saying a fuck of a lot because to Ian, there was nothing more beautiful than his husband in the entire world. The black hair was messed up, pale skin flushed with need and littered with hickey’s; the blue eyes deeper and brighter and happier than Ian could ever remember seeing them in the past.

 

“How um…” Ian asked as he sank back down onto the bed, Mickey spreading his legs a little bit further to welcome him as their eye contact faded, Ian’s gaze dropping down to his glistening cock again as he dipped his head, pressing a soft kiss to the inside of his thigh. “How much do you want?” He finished, referring to the prep, blinking up at his husband as he continued pressing loving kisses to his skin, making sure to avoid the area where Mickey wanted his mouth the most, if only just to tease him.

 

Mickey kept his gaze on the green eyes, his hand having returned to the top of his head as his tongue darted out, wetting his own bottom lip. As much as Mickey enjoyed Ian taking his time, fingering him open, he also loved that moment when the large cock finally pressed into him and it stung just a little bit. That wouldn’t happen on the times that they set twenty something minutes aside for preparation. After so many years of reading each other, Mickey didn’t have to answer verbally. Ian saw the hesitation in his lips, and he knew that he was having some trouble deciding.

 

“Relax, baby. Lay down” Ian whispered, figuring he would do something in between. A soft sigh escaped Mickey’s nose as he obeyed, his hand staying on the red hair as his entire body relaxed, his eyes closing once again as he spread his legs even further, silently giving Ian all the permission in the world. Ian let his eyes fall closed as well for a second or two as he pressed a wet kiss to the purple skin on Mickey’s hipbone, right before he squeezed some of the lube out onto his fingertips, preparing two of them.

 

Mickey felt as if his throat snurped shut when he finally felt his husband press the first finger into him, his hips bucking ever so slightly upwards as his rim gave in, letting the digit inside. His eyes stayed completely closed, lips parted, small breaths of pleasure escaping, his hold on the red strands tightening as he felt Ian slowly begin to move the finger in and out, carefully preparing him.

 

Ian stayed laying down as he watched his middle finger disappear into Mickey’s ass over and over again as a medium pace, hearing the small moans of pleasure fill the room. His own cock was starting to throb a little bit more, and he could feel a steady drop of precome make it’s way down the length, the breeze of the room hitting the sensitive skin just a little bit. Ian didn’t want to pay attention to himself right now, though. Instead he was completely focused on the beautiful man spread out in front of him. Mickey was completely spread out on the bed, not an inch of him hidden away from Ian; eyes closed while his body somehow twitched, thrashing ever so slightly, moans and mewls escaping his lips as he physically begged for Ian to give him more.

 

“So fucking beautiful for me” Ian couldn’t help but mumble as he pressed another wet kiss to Mickey’s pelvis, carefully adding the second finger, scissoring him open, blinking up, observing every single little sound or movement, drinking in how good he was making his love feel. Ian looked down for a bit; Mickey’s cock was merely inches away from his face. Red, throbbing and leaking, nothing if not completely begging for attention.

 

The hint of a small and devious smirk flashed over Ian’s mouth before he parted his lips ever so slightly, hot breaths dancing across the red tip of Mickey’s cock.

 

“Fuck! You’re fucking, I - You’re - Ian!” He got a loud, immediate reaction from his husband as the loud cries filled the room, the hold on the red hair tightening even further as his hips started bucking up and down, not quite knowing whether he wanted to grind up against the teasing breaths or down onto the two wonderful fingers pressing against his inner walls.

 

Somehow with Mickey’s noticeable reaction, the air in the room grew even a little bit hotter, Ian finally caving and taking him back into his mouth as he continued moving the two fingers in and out of the slicked up hole, stretching his husband out just enough that he would be able to take his cock without all that much pain. Mickey’s dark eyebrows knitted together, eyes clenched closed in pleasure, teeth digging far into his bottom lip as his heart started beating faster for every second, pleasure and love coursing throughout his veins, driving him closer and closer to complete insanity.

 

Ian continued bobbing his head up and down Mickey’s cock, feeling the tip hit the back of his throat over and over again, his ass clenching and unclenching around his fingers. Mickey’s chest was heaving up and down, groans of pleasure welling up in his throat, his grip on his husband’s hair tightening even more.

 

Ian knew Mickey so fucking well after all of these years that he could tell when he was starting to approach his orgasm - something neither of them wanted right this second. He stopped his hand from moving, carefully sliding his fingers out of Mickey and hollowing his cheeks as much as he possibly could, sucking really fucking hard as he pulled off, a loud and wet sound echoing throughout the room as he did.

 

Mickey’s eyes stayed closed, though his features and entire body relaxed a little bit as he felt his husband move around, heard the sound of the top of the lube being popped open once again. His eyes blinked open just in time to see Ian up on his knees, moving his fist up and down his own cock, making sure that he was slicked up enough. His head was tilted downwards at first, watching what he was doing. But when he was finished he looked up, eyes connecting with blue.

 

Despite what they were right in the middle of, they could help but freeze for a second, taking each other in. Both of them thinking the exact same thing - ‘ _Holy fuck. I’m looking at my husband_ ’.

 

“Come here, baby” Mickey couldn’t help but mumble, reaching his arms out ever so slightly as he spread his legs further, welcoming Ian on top of him. Ian hummed as he laid down, both of them wrapping their arms around each other as soon as they were close enough, Mickey adding his legs, his heels ending up resting at the small of Ian’s back right as their lips connected, experienced tongues sliding over each other. Ian had his left arm around his husband’s neck, his right hand resting on his waist as the soft, loving kiss continued, though with a few instances of lips nipping at lips.

 

“You good?” Ian asked into Mickey’s mouth, to which the older man did nothing but nod softly, his eyes staying closed as he deepened the kiss, his right hand now resting on the back of Ian’s neck, right as he felt his cock begin to press into him. A slight hum sounded in the base of Mickey’s throat, and Ian swallowed the wonderful sound, continuing to press on until he bottomed out.

 

That slight, wonderful sting of Ian’s cock stretching Mickey out filled his mind for a second, clouding it as he hitched his legs a little bit further up his torso, his fingers curling into the red hair as the kiss continued, tongues sliding over each other. He could feel his cock begin to leak once again, a small pool of precome gathering by his bellybutton as Ian started moving, rocking out before rolling back in again, wasting little to no time before building up a steady, medium pace.

 

His tongue continued crowding Mickey’s mouth, Mickey’s lips nipping at his own as they moved together, swallowing each other’s moans. Ian didn’t move all too fast, and somehow he knew that Mickey didn’t need him to right now - they would have plenty of more time for that during the week. Right now, with the night falling outside of their hut, the water sparkling in the slight moonlight, said light shining in onto the bed - this was perfect, and this was a time for real, somewhat slow love making. Maybe they didn’t need it to keep their relationship loving and strong, but they sure as fuck wanted it.

 

Mickey started bucking up into Ian ever so slightly, and the taller man took the opportunity to slide his right arm underneath his body, curling his hand around his waist, holding him in a steady grip as he continued rolling into him at a good pace, their tongues sliding over each other’s, Ian pulling away, tugging Mickey’s bottom lip in between his teeth before going back in again, soothing the slight sting by sliding his tongue over the area as he kiss deepened a little bit further.

 

“Ian” Mickey’s hiccup hit Ian’s tongue, and he knew that he had brushed against his prostate. He hummed lowly, speeding up ever so slightly, keeping that exact angle, making sure that he ended up hitting just the right spot with every single time. Mickey’s hold on the red hair tightened a little bit further, his tongue pushing as far into his husband’s mouth as possible. He craved everything and so much fucking more.

 

“You’re so fucking good for me, baby” Ian hummed, voice muffled by Mickey’s mouth on his as he sped up even a little bit more, abandoning the whole slow thing for now as he started thrusting his hips, brushing against that special spot inside of Mickey with just about every time. He could feel his own high start to creep up to him, and he deepened the kiss even a little bit further, head completely spinning in pleasure and happiness as he felt all four of Mickey’s limbs tighten around him, the kiss growing even a little bit hotter, wetter.

 

Moans and muffled cries filled the room, along with the slight ‘thud thud thud’ of the round bed moving with them as they both danced closer and closer towards the edge together, riding on the high of life and love.

 

“Fucking love you so much” Mickey breathed when their lips parted for a tenth of a second, Ian tilting his head to go in and deepen the kiss the other way, feeling as if he was unable to get even close to enough - even more so than usual. Instead of reciprocating verbally, he sped up even a little bit more, stabbing Mickey’s prostate over and over again, his hand tightening around his hip to the point where he would surely be sporting a nice, hand shaped bruise for a day or two.

 

“Fucking close, man. Right there”

 

“Come with me” Ian immediately mumbled in response, attempting to deepen the kiss even a little bit further, slipping his left arm out from underneath his husband’s neck, sliding it down in between them to wrap a sure hand around Mickey’s throbbing, begging erection, giving it a few good strokes to help him get there.

 

Mickey couldn’t do much other than rock down against Ian’s touches, feeling as if his head was completely spinning as they inched closer and closer to the edge. Ian gave it two more thrusts, making sure to go extra hard before he froze, staying as deeply buried inside of his husband as he possibly could as they finally fell.

 

The room filled with Ian’s loud groans and Mickey’s cries as they both came simultaneously - Mickey shooting his load right in-between their chests, the feeling of Ian filling him up doing nothing but drive him even closer to insanity. Both men had their eyes clenched closed in pleasure, seeing nothing but stars, mouths were parted, hot and strained breaths pouring into each other and they thrummed, throbbed and shook through it, for the moment having zero control of themselves or the way in which they were moving.

 

Once their orgasms were finally starting to subside, leaving nothing but dry throats and afterglow, Ian got tired of holding himself up and instead collapsed on top of his husband, their slips slipping apart as he buried his face deep in his neck instead, taking a deep breath to fill his senses with the lovely, comforting smell. Mickey’s left dropped down onto the mattress, laying flat as he willed his heart to slow down a little bit, Ian’s soft breaths fanning his skin helping.

 

Both pairs of eyes were still closed, their sweaty bodies pressed close together, limbs tightly wrapped around each other, neither of them willing to let go at the moment. This was just too perfect - this moment, this night, this honeymoon, fuck - their entire life together was nothing short of a dream right now and they wanted to bask in that bubble for as long as they possibly could.

 

It didn’t take all that long, though before Mickey nudged his husband a little bit.

 

“Move off, man. Fucking heavy” Ian groaned lowly at the mumbled words before sighing softly, pressing a soft and loving kiss to Mickey’s collarbone before easing his cock out of his hole, not having the energy to do anything more than just rolling to the side and wrapping Mickey up in his arms. Ian stayed on his back, Mickey’s ending up against his front as they bathed in the remainder of their afterglow, feeling their hearts slowly start to return to a healthy pace again.

 

Ian rested his chin on top of his husband’s head, their fingers laced together on Mickey’s stomach, not one single sound in the room save for their breathing and the sound of little kids screaming in joy far away. It was nothing short of perfect. Mickey swallowed, lifting his left hand a little bit, bringing Ian’s with it; his eyes focusing on the thick, perfect gold bands wrapped around their ring fingers. It made him feel all fuzzy inside somehow.

 

“I guess it’s official” Ian sighed, dropping a warm kiss to his husband’s temple. Mickey let out a hum in wonder, tilting his neck back, their eyes connecting in the darkness of the room. “We’re an old married couple” Mickey grinned, cheesily nudging Ian’s chin with his nose.

 

“We did it”

 

“Yes, baby. We did” Ian nodded, stomach tumbling in happiness as their lips connected, nothing but pure and true love in between them. Mickey nipped at Ian’s bottom one teasingly as they pulled apart, their eyes slowly sliding open again, connecting.

 

A beat or two went by without either of them saying anything. They didn’t really need to right now. They had fucking made it. They were in their forties - on the threshold of it, at least - they were together, they were happy, they had a beautiful family - and they were fucking married. It felt as if they had fought and fought all through their teenage years - their entire lives, really. Both as individuals and as a couple, and somehow they hadn’t known what they had been working for, yet they had gotten it.

 

“You’re beautiful” Ian raised his eyebrows at Mickey’s sweet words. When somebody was called beautiful in their relationship, it was usually Ian saying it to Mickey and not the other way around. Not because Mickey didn’t think these sweet things of course, but because he just wasn’t really that kind of guy. The kind of man who would just let sweet things gush out of his mouth, and that was alright. When he did say small, seemingly meaningless things like this, though, Ian felt as if his heart was swelling up to three times its normal size.

 

“God, I love you” Ian breathed, surging down for another deep, sucking kiss. Mickey hummed into it, parting his lips to allow way for his husband’s tongue, carefully sliding his own over it. The kiss lasted for a good second or two before they pulled apart with a small wet sound; and as soon as Mickey opened his eyes, he saw that childish glint in Ian’s.  

  
“What?” He asked, unable to stop the grin from appearing onto his face despite the fact that he had no idea with Ian was thinking.

 

“Let’s go skinny dipping” Ian suggested. Before Mickey even really knew what was happening, the strong and safe arms were unwrapped from around his body, and Ian was on his feet, standing next to the bed, seemingly waiting for his husband to follow his lead.

 

“No, man. Why? We’re not fucking eighteen anymore” Mickey stated, raising his eyebrows as he attempted to talk the taller man out of this idea. He wasn’t sure how he felt about it - actually yes, he was. He would love to go skinny dipping with Ian, and this was nothing if not a dream of an opportunity. But it was also something that he had obviously never really done before and as brave as he often pretended that he was, doing new things wasn’t, well… his thing.

 

“Why?” Ian asked, a grin etched into his face as he walked towards the double sliding glass doors, opening them to let the ocean breeze into their hut before he turned around to face his husband who was now sort of half sitting up in bed. “Because we’re on our honeymoon and we fucking can”

 

Their eyes were connected for a beat, neither of them saying a word as Ian awaited Mickey’s reaction. Finally - much to Ian’s pleasure - Mickey cracked. A large grin to match his husband’s appeared on his face and he pushed himself out of bed, following Ian out onto the beach, leaving their little room behind them as they got closer and closer to the water, not a single item of clothing on their bodies to separate them from the fresh air.

 

Ian was a meter or two ahead of Mickey, sprinting out into the water without a second thought. For some reason Mickey stopped a few feet away from where the waves were washing up onto the sand, though. Not so much because he was hesitating but because the view that he currently had was so fucking beautiful. Ian had walked far enough into the blue water that it was reaching his knees, and now he had turned around, waiting for Mickey to join him.

 

Thanks to the darkness that had since long taken over the sky, Mickey couldn’t see all that much. But thanks to the moonlight, he was able to make out the large grin on his husband’s face, the red messed up hair and the outline of his soft, perfect cock hanging in between his legs.

 

“Baby, come here!” Ian yelled, and Mickey could just fucking hear the happiness in his voice. The joy and the love; what made it all the better was that he knew that that sound was for him and him alone. Nobody else. “Baby, please!” Ian shouted again when Mickey was apparently taking too much time to get in the water. Ian’s arms were stretched out by his sides, silently asking as well.

 

Finally, Mickey looked around a little bit, making sure that they were truly alone and wouldn’t be disturbed. Then he let his grin grow ever so slightly further as he gave into his childish side, sprinting into the water, getting to his husband as fast as he possibly could, jumping up and wrapping his legs around his torso. A part of him thought that Ian would end up falling, but somehow he barely moved. His hands were securely placed onto Mickey’s legs, fingers curling around his thighs as he held him up, Mickey wrapping his arms around his neck, smashing their lips together in a happy, passionate kiss, laughter pouring into each other’s mouths.

 

Ian hummed then, his eyes closed just as his husbands as the kiss continued, the warm water rolling around their feet and legs. Mickey’s fingers slipped into the sweat soaked red strands, tugging slightly as he pressed his tongue deep into Ian’s mouth, wanting the kiss to become as deep as it possibly could be. Fuck, he craved everything. He wasn’t lying when he said that he didn’t know how the fuck he had survived twenty years without this man in his life - it was nothing short of a mystery.

 

Ian slowly let go of Mickey’s thighs, easing him down to stand on his own, making sure that the kiss never broke, not for one second. Mickey’s hands stayed on the back of his neck, their lips nipping at each other’s, both of them having to fight to be able to kiss properly instead of just grinning uncontrollably. Ian deepened the kiss a little bit further as he slowly slid his hands down Mickey’s back, reaching his ass. A low groan rolled in the base of his throat as how fucking perfect the flesh felt as he curled his fingers around Mickey’s cheeks, kneading the skin.

 

He heard a small moan escape his husband’s mouth, feeling him press backwards, leaning into the touch as they kept the kiss going for a second or two longer, both of their cocks quickly regaining their hardness again. Mickey soon moved his lips to Ian’s jawline, pressing a wet kiss to the stubble covered skin before moving down, sliding his flat palms down his body as he went, sinking down onto his knees.

 

Ian swallowed roughly, the moonlight hitting his husband perfectly, shining over his face, highlighting the slight movement of the currently seemingly black water around the two of them as Mickey blinked up at him, his hands placed onto Ian’s hips, his erection presented right in front of his face.

 

“Fuck” Ian cursed even before Mickey had done anything, this view was just way too fucking beautiful. He let his hand land in the black hair, and his husband seemed to take that as his queue.

 

Mickey let his tongue dart out, wetting his bottom lip right as he leaned forwards, expertly taking his husband’s cock into his mouth, managing to swallow almost a third all at once. Ian’s fingers immediately grabbed a hold of the black hair, hot breaths escaping his parted lips as Mickey continued blinking up as him, bobbing his head up and down his cock at a steady pace,swirling his tongue over the tip whenever he got the chance.

 

Mickey could feel the warm water move around his abdomen, and he finally just closed his eyes, enjoying this - all of it. From being married to the moonlight to having the weight of Ian’s cock in his mouth. Everything was just so fucking perfect. He registered the slight tinge of salt that came with precome, and he hollowed his cheeks, speeding up ever so slightly, feeling Ian’s grip on his hair tighten.

 

He relaxed his throat as good as he could, focusing all of his energy on taking Ian deep down into his throat, managing to brush his nose against the red hairs before he pulled up again, repeating the action a few times, feeling the tip of Ian’s cock hit the back of his throat over and over again. Soon, he stopped that, though. And took his right hand off of Ian’s hip, wrapping it around the base of his cock instead, jerking him off so that he could focus on the upper part, hollowing his cheeks expertly, enjoying the way that the grip on his hair seemed to tighten even a little bit further.

 

“Fuck” Ian cursed suddenly, and Mickey immediately recognized it as his ‘ _Fuck, I’m about to come. Stop_ ’ kind of ‘ _Fuck_ ’. “Need to fuck you again. Please” His voice was thick and rough, laced with nothing but need and pleasure as Mickey pulled off of his cock with a hum, standing up on wobbly legs, placing a hand on the back of his neck and tugging him down for another deep kiss, the act never breaking as Ian started urging them closer up towards the beach again.

 

They both knew each other so fucking well, they knew what they needed and what they wanted so it didn’t take very many seconds at all before Mickey was down on the wet sand, turned around onto all fours with his husband’s cock pressing into him once again. It went quite smoothly this time around, Ian bottoming out with one single stroke, having to fight not to fall down onto the back in front of him.

 

“Fuck” Mickey dipped his head in pleasure as Ian started moving, the waves dancing up onto the shore now and then, wetting the sand around them along with their knees and Mickey’s hands. His eyes were clenched shut in pleasure, Ian’s fingers curled around his hips as they moved together, loud moans and groans pouring out of their mouths and they chased down their next orgasm, unable to get enough of each other even for a single fucking second.

 

Mickey’s teeth dug into his bottom lip as his husband sped up a little bit, fingertips pressing deep into his pale flesh in a way that would surely cause a fair amount of bruises on his body - bruises he would love and adore. Bruises that would make him remember, love just a little bit harder.

 

Ian found his prostate and Mickey’s arms ended up giving in, folding underneath him, his cheek ending up pressed against the warm sand. He couldn’t do much other than keep his knees up, letting Ian fuck him, letting Ian make the trail to bliss a little bit clearer with every single one of his thrusts. Panting was the main noise that was filling the air around them. Moans, too, and a few of Mickey’s low groans as Ian continued hitting the exact right spot inside of his tired, fucked out body.

 

It didn’t take very long before they both came once again, Mickey needing no touch to his cock this time. Ian was just too fucking good, and he always had been. He could feel his husband fill him up at the same time as his load covered a part of the sand underneath their bodies, loud cries escaping both of their mouths, visions whitening right before it was over, Mickey collapsing on the sand and Ian collapsing on top of him, his breath fanning the back of his neck.

 

Both of them were completely fucked out and exhausted. Pleased and happier than ever, though. Ian swallowed, forcing himself up a little bit, just enough that he could ease his cock out of Mickey’s abused hole. Then he collapsed once again, way too tired to move. Mickey’s head was turned away from him, but he reached up, running his fingers through the beautiful black strands of hair, getting a contented hum in response.

 

Mickey’s eyes were slipped closed as he felt his husband’s come start to slide out of him, his warm palm making its way over his back. His heart was positively soaring with every single little one of Ian’s touches, and for the first time there wasn’t one single fraction of him that was scared of that feeling. Because he knew that it was going to be him and Ian for the rest of their lives. No matter what. And this amazing night, this amazing honeymoon - it was only the very beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hunter needs to sleep. Hunter is tired enough that she's talking in third person.


	46. Got Me Shaking Like A Pair Of Dice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rain was showing no signs of slowing down, and Mickey quite honestly couldn’t care less about that fact. It was beautiful and the sound calmed him down; besides, the gloomy lightning spread out over their hut was making Ian look even more pale than he actually was, removing some of the saturation and highlighting the small, orange freckles littered all over his beautiful body.

A soft grunt sounded in the very base of Ian’s throat as his body begun to dig itself out of the deep sleep he had been in for surely hours upon hours by now. The warm, cozy covers were wrapped around his body to keep him warm, though the very pronounced sound of rain smattering against glass filled his ears.

 

His nose was buried in a sea of black hair, his arm wrapped around his husband, making him the large spoon as they rested, their legs carelessly thrown together and over each other in a complete mess. Ian swallowed, eyebrows slightly knitted together as he let his eyes drift open, focusing on the beautiful world outside of the glass door of their hut.

 

Surely enough, it was raining quite a bit. Blowing as well from what he could tell; the sky was painted a dreary grey shade, and while the water was still even bluer than it was back home in Miami, it had lost some of its vibrant color thanks to the millions and millions of raindrops dropping onto the surface every second. The few palmtrees he could see from his warm place in bed were blowing with the rain, the leaves bending in different directions, trying to obey the force.

 

The rain was so bad that he couldn’t really see far past where the beach ended and the water begun, and somewhere far in the distance he thought that maybe he could decipher some thunder.

 

None of this bothered him, though. He could imagine that a lot of people would have gotten upset with having to deal with bad weather on their honeymoon - especially in a place like this where it was supposed to be blue and sunny all the time, according to the brochures. But Ian kind of liked it; it was beautiful - seeing the way the world was moving with the wind, hearing the raindrops chattering against the glass as he saw them land. Hearing the soft breathing of his still fast asleep husband, bathing in the warmth around them. All of it was, in fact - by Ian’s very definition - perfect.

 

A soft smile was stretched across his lips as he moved his head ever so slightly, placing a soft and loving kiss to the skin right behind Mickey’s ear, his grip around his hand tightening ever so slightly as he pressed himself a little bit closer, unable to help it as he repeated the act of the kiss. He wasn’t sure what exactly made them both so horny, but he guessed that it had something to do with the fact that they were newlyweds - and that they for once didn’t have to care or worry about their kids what so ever.

 

Ian lifted his lips off of Mickey’s skin before going back in again, this time parting his lips ever so slightly while still managing to keep the kiss soft and loving, inching himself ever so slightly closer to his husband, reveling in how warm and how soft his skin felt pressed against his own.

 

He continued kissing Mickey’s neck, variating between focusing on the skin behind his ear and a little bit further down his shoulder as he started moving his hips, just a tiny bit, grinding against his husband’s ass, letting his own eyes slip closed again.

 

His cock slid in between Mickey’s cheeks, giving him the opportunity to rock forwards with a little bit more force, building up some friction against his still sleeping husband, hoping that he would wake up soon to make this a little bit less questionable.

 

Thankfully, it didn’t take very long at all before he felt Mickey start to press backwards, into his cock, his thumb lovingly moving over Ian’s in smooth circles. Ian hummed lowly, continuing to press the beautiful kisses to Mickey’s neck, making them a little bit wetter at this point, every now and them letting his tongue dart out to warm the skin, getting small and lazy moans in response.

 

“I love you” Ian hummed the words, voice low and husky with the sleep still somewhat trudging throughout his veins. Mickey didn’t verbally reciprocate. Instead he pressed backwards with a little bit more force, squeezing his husband’s hand a little bit tighter, silently asking for more. Ian continued rocking into him, his cock sliding in and out between his cheeks, creating some pleasure, all the while knowing that it wasn’t enough for either of them right now.

 

Ian stopped his movements, pressing one last kiss to Mickey’s neck before letting go of him and rolling over to the other side of the bed to retrieve the tube of lube that had at sone point during the night been dropped onto the floor.

 

He quickly got some onto his fingers and rolled back over to take his place behind Mickey, reaching his right hand under he covers and giving himself a few good jerks, making sure that he was slicked up enough, especially since they had fucked a lot more in the past few hours than they had in the last week, so Mickey’s ass was without a doubt starting to get sore; the last thing Ian wanted was to hurt him.

 

Once he was slicked up enough, he inched his body even closer to his husband’s, throwing his arm back over his waist and lacing their fingers together again. A soft sigh escaped Mickey’s nose when he felt Ian’s warmth hugging around his body again, his breath fanning the back of his neck right as he felt the very head of his cock being pressed against his stretched hole.

 

Ian tightened his hand around Mickey’s as he slowly pushed inside of him, his eyes closed, lips resting softly on the skin behind his husband’s ear, his ass taking him in inch by inch, clenching and loosening, muscles working wonderfully around his cock as Ian continued pressing into him a little bit more for every second until he was finally bottomed out, both men relaxing with two low and guttural moans, letting each other get used to being connected in this way once again, Mickey’s thumb going back to gently caressing the top of his husband’s hand.

 

Two heavy breaths fell out from in between Mickey’s lips, and Ian parted his own a little bit more, placing a wet kiss to the back of his neck right as he pulled out before rocking back in again, his hand tightening around Mickey’s as they moved together underneath the covers, the chattering rain filling their ears, a sense of calm spreading throughout their veins.

 

Ian continued rocking into his husband, their breathing patterns slowly but surely starting to match up with the pace in which Ian was rocking his hips, both pairs of eyes closed as he continued kissing Mickey’s neck, addicted to the soft feeling of having his skin under his lips.

 

Mickey’s soft breaths turned into short, quiet groans as Ian attempted to fuck into him just a little bit harder, his warm tongue resting against the back of his neck, his hand tightening just a little bit around his husband’s fingers, their legs staying braided together as they continued their lazy morning fucking session, Mickey’s teeth digging into the inside of his bottom lip, eyebrows knitted together in pleasure as he enjoyed it along with the ever so slight sting of Ian’s cock stretching him back out.

 

“My beautiful husband” Ian couldn’t help but breathe in the daze of love and lust. He had a feeling Mickey didn’t quite mind it either; in the past few hours, they had both called each other ‘husband’ a little bit more than what was maybe necessary. Why shouldn’t they, though? Maybe in a few weeks that whole thing would end up calming down, but for now they were the absolute definition of newlyweds, and they were on cloud nine because of it. They were damn well allowed to enjoy it.

 

Mickey grunted at the words, seemingly unable to get anything past his lips besides sounds of pleasure. His thumb had stopped moving for a few minutes, but now he went back to caressing Ian’s hand, the soft gesture quite the contrast from the way in which Ian had started fucking him by now - it wasn’t way too fast at all, but the force of his thrusts more than made up for it, the bed rocking ever so slightly with his movements.

 

With how close their heads were on the pillow, some of the red hair floated together with the black, blending and tangling together just like their bodies; the pale color of their skin making it quite difficult to see where Ian ended and Mickey begun.

 

Slightly longer grunts started falling out from in between Mickey’s parted lips, and Ian continued fucking in and out, making sure to hit the very spot inside of his husband that he now knew practically by heart. They knew each other’s buttons, each others triggers - whether it was sexually or in a fight - they knew what to say, what to do and how to act to make the other react in a specific way.

 

But instead of it being as boring and as predictable as it may sound, it was anything but. Ian and Mickey both reveled in knowing each other that way. They loved having that connection, that bond. They loved having that one thing together that nothing and nobody would ever be able to take away from them.

 

“Fuck” Mickey’s breathy curse reached Ian’s ears, and he knew that his husband was close. He sped up ever so slightly, keeping the force of his thrusts the same, fucking in and out of Mickey, bringing them both closer and closer to heaven as Mickey managed to be present enough to lift their intertwined hands up to his lips, placing a wet kiss to the back of Ian’s as his body followed his husband’s movements, being rocked back and forth with the force of them. “Fuck, fuck. Ian” Mickey continued cursing through moans, the sounds lightly muffled as he still had the back of his husband’s large hand pressed against his lips as he felt his stomach tighten in that wonderful way.

 

“Baby” Ian whispered, continuing to move his hips expertly, making sure that the tip of his cock hit Mickey’s prostate each and every time; with every second that ticked by he was finding it harder and harder to keep the steady pace up as he, himself was starting to grow closer to the edge as well, his head swimming in pleasure as he could only focus on three things in the entire world; the way Mickey’s muscles were working around his cock, the beautiful sounds that were falling out of his mouth, and the way this perfect morning all tied together with the calming sound of the rainstorm smattering against the glass windows, making goosebumps of the best kind run down his spine. “Come for me”

 

That was all Mickey needed; without a single touch to his cock, his entire body froze, muffled cries of pleasure thrown against the back of Ian’s hand as he shot his load onto the white sheets, his grip tightening around Ian’s fingers, turning both of their hands white and red.

 

Ian continued moving in and out of his body, though slowing down a little bit. Soft, loving kisses were being pressed to the back of Mickey’s neck and over his shoulder, carefully leading him through his orgasm. When he was done, his entire body relaxed again, fingers loosening around Ian’s, teeth letting go of his lip.

 

“You can keep going” Mickey spoke breathlessly after a few seconds as he noticed that Ian had stopped moving; he received another sweet, open mouthed kiss to his lips as he felt Ian draw his hips backwards until only the very tip of his cock was resting inside of Mickey, then he rolled back in, a low groan fanning against the back of his husband’s neck.

 

Ian quickly built up the pace again, thrusting in and out of Mickey a few more times before he was there as well, his face deeply buried in the crook of his husband’s shoulder as he filled him up with his load, several guttural moans sounding in the base of his throat at Mickey felt it.

 

Once they were both done, the two men relaxed, still very much connected though too lazy to do anything about it right now. Their hands were still braided together, the sound of their soft but forced breaths blending together with the sound of the chattering rain as they listened to the water sing and the wind blow. This morning was nothing if not the most perfect thing that they had ever experienced before.

 

  
About an hour later, they were sitting up in the bed, trays of ordered breakfast foods spread out in front of them. There were waffles, pancakes, coffee and some fruits and berries that Mickey didn’t know what the fuck they were, and he wasn’t about to find out right now. Ian had slipped his boxers on when he had gone to answer the door to retrieve the food, but once they were alone again, he had taken them back off.

 

They had a few more days in paradise, and the truth was that they didn’t feel to waste any of their time clothed - no matter how much of two eighteen year olds that may make them.

 

The rain was showing no signs of slowing down, and Mickey quite honestly couldn’t care less about that fact. It was beautiful and the sound calmed him down; besides, the gloomy lightning spread out over their hut was making Ian look even more pale than he actually was, removing some of the saturation and highlighting the small, orange freckles littered all over his beautiful body.

 

Mickey continued blinking at his husband, taking in every single little detail that he could - not that there were really any that he hadn’t ever noticed at this point. Ian wasn’t looking at him for once; instead he had his left hand curled around a cup of steaming coffee, head dipped and gazed focused onto his lap as he flipped through a small brochure. Somehow, Mickey was in awe of how domestic it looked. Seeing Ian sit with a cup of coffee early in the morning, reading something.

 

“I love you so fucking much” Mickey wasn’t aware of the fact that he had verbalized his thought before Ian looked up, their eyes connecting with each other as a soft but steady, happy smile made its way across Ian’s lips, green eyes glittering with wonder and love. Affection.

 

He swallowed, turning to the side and putting both his coffee and the piece of paper onto the little cart before crawling over to his husband, staying on his knees as he curled a hand around the back of his neck, humming as their lips were brought together in a mess of saliva, a taste somewhere in between pancakes, syrup and coffee registering in their brains as Mickey leaned backwards, laying onto his back and bringing Ian on top of him as they continued the slow and loving kiss, the tattooed hand being placed around his husband’s upper torso, laying flat onto his shoulder blade.

 

Ian pulled away, tugging Mickey’s bottom-lip in between his own, letting it plop back into place right before he went in for more, deepening the kiss a little bit, sliding a hand down to his thigh, kneading the skin gently as they leaned into each other, currently not one single care in the world. Mickey could feel the slight chill of Ian’s gold band against his skin, and it only made him want him even more; crave him, in fact. He always did.

 

“I love you” Mickey murmured again, not because Ian hadn’t said it back verbally just yet, but because he loved saying it. Time and time again he had forced himself to keep his feelings to himself, first when he had been a teenager, and then all those months back when Ian by some long-shot miracle had wandered back into his life. So now, when he could be as free as he wanted with his words, telling his husband over and over again how much he loved him - how much he would always love him and would never once stop, not for a second - he did.

 

“I love you too, baby. So much” Ian spoke against his tongue, continuing to knead the pale, perfect flesh of his husband’s thigh, loving the feel of it underneath his palm. “So, so much” Mickey let out a low whine into his mouth, lifting his head slightly off of the white pillow, craving an even deeper kiss though it was practically impossible by now with how they were completely devouring each other, lips nipping, teeth scraping.

 

Their noses were tightly smashed into the other man’s cheek as their tongues slid over each other, exploring every single inch of each other’s mouths, Ian’s fingertips digging quite deeply into Mickey’s thigh, the shorter man’s muffled moans clouding together with the thunder rolling closer to the resort.

 

Ian pressed two more, deep kisses to Mickey’s lips before he broke the makeout session, moving his mouth to his husband’s jawline instead, sucking neatly at a pink mark left over from yesterday, determined to make the hickey stand out even more against the pale skin.

 

The small, red hairs itched against Mickey’s skin in the best possible way, and his hand was on the back of the younger man’s neck, the blue eyes shut as he enjoyed the feeling of having Ian’s lips on him, fingertips sliding in between the red strands. Ian’s warm tongue was drawing smooth circles onto the already marked up skin as his lips were suctioned around the area, drawing even more blood to the surface and louder moans from his husband’s lips.

 

After quite a while he let go, though, pressing one last and soft kiss to the skin, pulling his head up just a little bit so that he could admire the beautiful purple discolouration appearing on Mickey’s jawline. Mickey’s hand tightened around the back of his neck, attempting to tug him down for another kiss, but Ian resisted, instead looking at him with a smirk as he eased himself up a little bit, moving his eyes to the left over breakfast.

 

Mickey stayed laying on his back, looking up at his husband. Before he could really register it, or try to figure out what was currently going through Ian’s head, he had two of his long fingers buried in the white whipped cream that was still intact on the half eaten stack of pancakes.

 

Mickey sucked in a breath, teeth digging into his bottom lip as Ian eased himself down the bed just a little bit, placing his fingers in between Mickey’s nipples, moving them down and creating a perfect white trail of sweetness all the way down to his bellybutton.

 

When he was happy with his handiwork, Ian blinked up at his husband, a childish and rambunctious look in his eyes as he brought his fingers up to his mouth, expertly sucking them free of the excess cream, never breaking the eye contact with the blue eyes as he sucked for way longer than what was necessary, humming slightly before he let his hand drop to the sheets, lips glistening ever so slightly with saliva. Mickey swallowed, heart pumping in the best way; the eye contact kept as Ian curled his hands around the sides of his husband’s waist, lowering his face to his bellybutton and sticking his tongue out, teasingly licking off just a tiny bit of the sweetness.

 

“Fuck” Mickey couldn’t help but curse, completely unable to tear his eyes off of his husband, his right hand falling to the red hair. Ian was the one to finally break the eye contact as he went back in, focusing his gaze onto the trail of cream in front of his face, completely in awe of how beautiful the color looked, spread out onto Mickey’s perfectly pale stomach.

 

Ian closed his eyes before he went back in, lips parted as he kissed Mickey’s skin passionately, not doing anything differently from what he would do if he was kissing his lips. His fingertips dug into his sides, the sweet taste of the cream registering in his brain as he continued kissing up Mickey’s stomach, sucking ever so slightly once in a while and making sure to leave marks that would surely stay for at least a day or so.

 

Mickey couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore, it was completely impossible; despite the fact that Ian wasn’t touching his cock, ass or even his nipples, the pleasure was way too fucking much. The just slightly chill feeling of the cream on his body such a contrast to the heat of Ian’s tongue and lips; they had never done this before - at least not that he could remember, after such a long time together, they probably had done something similar at some point - and he didn’t know why the fuck they didn’t do it more often.

 

It felt so fucking good, and it made his heart flutter and beat like a hammer against his ribcage at the same time. Mickey’s fingers curled into the red hair, the dark eyebrows furrowed as soft whines and moans escaped his lips, Ian continuing to place wet, passionate kisses to his skin, mesmerized by just how crazy this simple thing actually seemed to drive him.

 

Soon, Ian had made it back up to Mickey’s face, and he placed a soft kiss to the large, purple hickey on his jawline, his hands loosening around his hips as he lifted his face, the blue eyes slowly blinking open to connect with green, soft breaths escaping both of their lips.

 

They maintained the eye contact for a beat before Mickey’s lips spread out into a happy smile, his hand sliding down to the back of Ian’s neck, bringing him down for another soft and loving kiss, the wonderful, familiar taste of Ian blending together with the sweet taste of the cream, clouding his head in the best way. Ian was the one to break the kiss, his thumb rubbing smooth and reassuring circles onto Mickey’s soft skin as their eyes blinked back open, reconnecting with the other’s.

 

Ian swallowed, his tongue swiping across his bottom lip. Mickey knew that look, it was one that he hadn’t seen as much since they had been back together as adults as he used to back when they first got together when they had been younger.

 

What he was looking at was Ian’s ‘ _I really want to try something, but I’m kind of nervous to suggest it because I don’t know how you are going to react_ ’ look. Mickey tilted his head slightly to the side, the dark eyebrows furrowing. ‘ _Just tell me_ ’. Ian swallowed again, bringing his right hand up and tenderly placing it against the side of Mickey’s face, the pad of his thumb resting on his bottom lip.

 

“I really want to sit on this beautiful face” Ian’s gaze was on Mickey’s mouth as he spoke, but as soon as the statement was out of his mouth, he looked back up into the blue eyes, awaiting the reaction. Mickey just swallowed, nodding as his parted lips started showing signs of a smile.

 

“‘Course” He agreed, his cock starting to stir a little bit more at the simple thought of eating Ian out like that; they had never really done that before. Sure, Mickey had eaten Ian out, but Ian had never sat on his face before - a fact Mickey was just not becoming aware of. But he wanted it; for some reason he wanted it so fucking badly. “Come here, babe” Mickey spoke, tugging Ian down for one last, deep kiss before letting go of him and easing his own body a little bit down the bed, Ian inching to the side to give him the space to lay down comfortably.

 

Ian swallowed, a tiny amount of nervousness itching inside of his body as he lifted one of his legs, straddling Mickey’s neck. Mickey immediately wrapped his arms around Ian’s thighs, securing him there, his cock hanging right above his face. Ian dipped his head, looking down at his husband and silently making sure that he was alright with this. Mickey just continued blinking up at him in await.

 

“I’m good, man. Come here. Let me have you” Mickey spoke, a small smirk covering his lips, his cock throbbing at the perfect sight above him. Those few words were all the reassurance Ian needed, and he inched himself even a little bit further up the bed; he could feel Mickey’s warm hands on his ass, separating his cheeks and he took that as his que and relaxed a little bit more, sinking down onto Mickey’s awaiting face.

 

Mickey hummed, wasting no time sticking his tongue out, gently licking around his husband’s puckered rim, his own eyes falling closed as he worked, the very tip of his tongue getting caught in the hole every now and then. He placed his lips securely around Ian’s rim, sucking just as he would do if he had his cock inside of his mouth, his tongue continuing to draw patterns.

 

Within seconds, he could feel Ian relax a little bit more, some extra pressure being added onto his face. Mickey let his fingertips dig quite deeply into the pale, perfect flesh as he separated his husband’s cheeks even a little bit more, both of them quickly getting used to this and each of them growing more enthusiastic by the second.

 

Ian had one of his arms stretched out ahead of himself, fingers tightly curled around the top of the headboard, his knuckles turning white; while his right hand was in the black hair underneath his body, tugging feverishly at the strands as he tilted his neck backwards, eyes clenching closed at he felt his husband’s hot tongue and lips continue to work his hole open like a fucking professional or something.

 

Mickey tightened his hold around Ian’s thighs even a little bit further, going in even deeper and attempting to suck a little bit harder, keeping his eyes closed as he worked his tongue around the rim, slipping a little bit inside of him and then out again, humming a little bit at the wonderful feeling of his husband pressing himself down onto his face, soft moans and groans clouding together with toehold chatter of the rain and the thunder rolling in above them, while still sounding as if it was quite a while away.

 

“Mickey” Ian moaned, voice rough, his knuckles only growing whiter by the second, the green eyes clenched closed as he attempted to roll his hips craving even more of Mickey’s perfect mouth, his stomach stirring in pleasure - burning, in fact. Mickey only responded by tightening his hold further, pulling his husband down onto his face, urging him to press down as he continued eating him out, sliding his tongue in and out of his slicked hole. “You’re - fucking - that - that feels” Was what Mickey managed to decipher of Ian’s words as he continued rocking down onto his face, daring to rock his hips a little bit more, fucking himself against the warmth, wanting and craving even more.

 

Mickey held his cheeks apart, feeling Ian’s hold tightening on the black strands as he did his best to go in even deeper, saliva being spread out all over his face as the occasional ‘smack’ filled the room whenever Mickey pulled apart and went in for more, doing anything and everything that he could to bring his husband all the pleasure in the world.

 

“Fuck, fuck. Mick, I’m gonna come. You need to stop” Ian finally groaned, and Mickey hummed in disappointment, licking his ass once or twice more before easing his grip around his thighs, allowing Ian to use his shaky body to move down Mickey’s until he was straddling his torso again. He wasted no time darting down for a deep kiss, not giving a shit that his husband’s mouth had literally just been inside of his ass, he tasted good anyway. Mickey always tasted good.

 

Mickey hummed into it, letting his hands fall to Ian’s waist as they quickly picked up their makeout session, their tongues feverishly battling in each other’s mouths, teeth tugging on bottom lips as Mickey let his fingertips dig into the perfect pale flesh of his husband’s naked body, the larger set of hands placed onto Mickey’s neck, tugging at the messed up black hair as the kiss deepened ever so slightly more, neither of the men able to get anywhere close to enough.

 

“Need you” Mickey was the first one to talk, though his voice was muffled by Ian’s tongue still deep inside of his mouth. “Want to see you fuck yourself on my cock” Ian groaned at the words, tugging even harder at his husband’s hair, wanting him even closer, craving even more. Mickey immediately responded with just as much force, feeling as if they were eighteen again - he always felt eighteen with Ian.

 

“Not here” Ian finally broke the kiss to speak breathlessly. Before Mickey had the time to question what he was doing, Ian was off the bed, lube in hand as he headed towards the glass-doors.

 

“No, no, hey!” Mickey immediately protested, making his husband turn to him with raised eyebrows. The storm was still very much going in full force outside, rain being thrown down over and sand and onto their hut; the palmtrees were swaying with even more dance than they had when the newlyweds had first woken up and Mickey wasn’t all too sure that fucking on the beach was a good idea - ever, much less right now.

 

“Come on, Mick” Ian spoke, his chest and neck flushed, his cock still standing for attention as he slid one side of the door open, turning towards the beach and then back again. “Beach” He left the door open as he took a step closer to where Mickey was still laying down in bed. “Rain” He took yet another step, placing his palms flat onto the mattress, leaning over to lower his face closer to Mickey’s, the teasing smile stuck on his lips. “A husband who wants to ride your fucking brains out” The breeze was cold and heavy against their names bodies, but instead of it making Mickey shake his head and crawl further in under the covers, as his husband lowered his face even closer to his, that chill only aroused him even more. “When are we gonna have this chance again, huh?”

 

“Fuck” Mickey cursed, surging up and placing a wet, open mouthed kiss to Ian’s lips, only holding it for a second before he stood up, the men chasing each other out into the rain, laughing like the children they would always be when they were with each other.

 

Thanks to his long fucking giraffe legs, Ian ended up quite a few feet ahead of Mickey, tearing down the beach with not a care in the world. Mickey sped up a little bit and soon enough he had caught up, throwing his arms around his husband’s neck, Ian immediately dipping his head and connecting heir grins, wrapping his own arms tightly around Mickey’s waist, pressing his tongue deep into his mouth as the grey sky poured buckets of water down onto them, the wind and the chill making goosebumps appear all over their skin.

 

Ian deepened the kiss even further as he urged Mickey down onto the ground. Mickey admitted a small sound of protest as his back was pressed against the cold, wet sand but Ian easily swallowed it and any protests Mickey might have had in him against this whole thing immediately disappeared when he felt his husband’s waist as he straddled his waist, their tongues continuing to explore each other’s mouths, their soaked hair sticking to each other’s skin.

 

Ian kept his head dipped, the kiss continuing as he let one hand leave Mickey’s body to reach for the lube, easily getting a small amount out onto his fingertips. The kiss broke as Ian eased down his husband’s body, reaching for his hard cock and wrapping his hand around it; the rain would surely end up washing a lot of the lube away before it was put to good use, but it was still better than not using any at all.

 

Soft sighs of pleasure escaped Mickey’s lips as his husband jerked him off with steady movements, though he didn’t even hear the sound himself since the rain and the thunder was so loud at this point, the water pouring and pouring, chattering against rooftops and the ocean.

 

Once Mickey was slicked up, Ian threw the lube to the side, easing himself a little bit further up his body, placing his palms flat against his wet chest. Mickey let his tongue dart out to swipe across his bottom lip as he looked up at his sexy husband, a teasing smile etched into the beautiful face as he positioned himself, sinking down onto his cock.

 

Ian swallowed, feeling the slight sting of Mickey’s cock stretching him out as he forced himself further down, making sure to go slowly enough that it wouldn’t hurt too bad, but not so slow that he would end up driving them both insane.

 

“Fuck” Ian sighed, though the word wasn’t very audible over the loud rain around them. His hands curled into fists as he was fully seated, then he straightened them back out again. Mickey’s hands had been curled around Ian’s hips, but he took one off, placing his left hand over Ian’s, their gold bands resting against each other. The blue eyes were shut in pleasure; Ian’s tight ass worked perfectly around him, clenching and unclenching, working to envelop him in the best possible way.

 

Mickey’s head was already spinning, but it was nothing against the way his entire body seemed to kick into high gear the second that Ian lifted himself, sinking back down onto his cock, the taller man’s head now thrown backwards, eyes screwed hut as he fucked himself on his husband’s cock over and over again, though still going quite slow to make sure that he would end up getting used to the feeling. It felt so fucking good, the stretch along with the already immense pleasure. All of that clouding together with the chaos kind of weather going on around them, and Ian felt as if he was in some kind of a dream.

 

The best kind of dream.

 

Mickey’s left hand left Ian’s and went back to his waist, holding him tightly and steady, giving him some support as he sped up, riding Mickey a little bit faster and harder, their moans and cries of pleasure getting lost in the thunder and the tapper of the rain. Ian’s hands slid off of Mickey’s chest, landing in the sand next to them; he clenched them into fists, as he moved up and down, bringing handfuls of sand with him. He repeated the act with almost every bob of his body, both mens chests heaving heavily up and down as they completely gave themselves to each other. Hands kneading wet flesh, cries getting lost in the storm, muscles working; everything.

 

It didn’t take all that long at all before they both shook through their orgasms together. Minutes after they were back in the warm bed again, holding each other’s exhausted bodies and listening to the rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three chapters left before the epilogue! I honestly CANNOT believe this. Thank you all so so much for sticking with me this far. <3 <3 <3


	47. Only Human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Is this about the game tomorrow?” Mickey promptly ignored his son’s request. “I know it’s an important one, and if you’re nervous, I understand that, bud. But you’re a great player, you’re - “
> 
> “You just don’t fucking get it, alright?” Brian finally barked, voice darker than Mickey had ever really heard it before. “Great isn't good enough. I’m the fucking captain, my teammates are counting on me and in twenty hours, if I am not perfect - they’re gonna eat me alive”
> 
> Mickey swallowed, digging his fingertips into his own arms as he listened to his son’s rant, wishing that he knew how to help.

Mickey’s fingers were slipped in between Ian’s, their hands resting in his lap as the blue eyes were focused out the car window, watching the city sweep by as they got closer and closer to their home again. This week had been nothing short of perfect to the both of them, but he had to admit that seven whole days without any interaction with his children was starting to drive him a little bit crazy; this was the first time since they were born that they had gone this long without seeing each other. A day, maybe two at most had happened in the past. Mickey knew that they were alright of course, they were adults after all. But of course he missed them.

 

He let his head turn, focusing on his husband’s left hand where it was curled around the steering-wheel. The thick gold band glimmered slightly in the darkness, the tiny raindrops on the glass ahead somehow reflecting and making it look even more shiny, even more beautiful.

 

A week, and Mickey still couldn’t quite comprehend it. It was him and Ian, now. Forever. Not just for better or until they broke up, but truly - forever. Maybe he would end up getting the ability to understand it someday, but for now that fact just seemed way too good to be true. His entire life did.

 

Mickey squeezed Ian’s hand, and his husband tore his gaze away from the road for a second, turning his head to look at him, a soft smile appearing onto his lips, neither of them feeling the need to really say anything. The windshield wipers went a few times a minute, providing them with some kind of calm rhythm, the tiny amount of rain continuing to drip down onto the glass ahead, shining in the darkness and the streetlights.

 

It was the sound of a phone ringing throughout the vehicle that somewhat tore them out of it. The sound was powerful, loud and Mickey spotted his daughter’s name written across the little screen in between them. He reached forwards with his free hand, pressing accept, slightly worried about why she was calling. The clock was ticking closer and closer to three am.

 

“Hey, bud” Mickey spoke once the call was started, leaning back into his seat.

 

 _“Hey, where are you guys?”_ Briana’s soft voice came through the line, and her father could just imagine her sitting somewhere in the dark house, chin rested on her knees as she talked. It was something she did a lot - sat in the dark. Brian and Yevgeny, too - it was probably something that they had ended up picking up from their father. Mickey had always found it easier to think at night, it was calmer. Safer, somehow.

 

“Almost home, honey. Are you alright?” Ian answered her. Mickey turned his head to look at his husband again; Ian’s eyes were focused on the road ahead again, but his eyebrows were slightly knitted as he waited for an answer. Mickey still didn’t really understand how Ian and Briana - and Brian and Yevgeny, too for that matter - had taken to each other so quickly. From the sidelines, you would never ever be able to guess that the kids had known Ian for less than a year. Ian acted as if he was just as much their father as Mickey was. It made Mickey feel all warm inside somehow, that they could truly be a family.

 

 _“Yeah, I’m good”_ Briana’s voice came back into the car. _“I just miss you. Both of you”_ Mickey swallowed at the words; he hadn’t quite understood how much he had missed his children until just now. It didn’t matter if they were eight, eighteen or fucking thirty eight - he would always think of them as his babies and he would always miss them when they weren’t around. The truth was that he was so much more than thankful that Brian and Briana had both decided to repeat senior year; that have him some more time to prepare himself for them going off to college. He wasn’t sure how the fuck he was supposed to handle a house without any kids running in and out - but he didn’t want to think about all of that just now.

 

“We miss you too, Bri. We’ll be home in twenty minutes. Maybe half an hour” Mickey said, feeling Ian rub the pad of his thumb in smooth circles over the back of his hand, calming them both.

 

“Okay” Briana spoke. “I love you”

 

“I love you” “I love you” The call ended, and Mickey lifted his and Ian’s intertwined hands up to his mouth, pressing a soft kiss to the back of his husband’s.

 

  
***

 

  
Briana pressed the button to end the call, letting her phone drop onto the space left beside her on the couch before wrapping her arm around her body, placing her chin onto her knees as she let her gaze drop to the floor, letting her mind spin a little bit. She wasn’t sad, actually. Or confused about anything. For some reason she had just always loved the night, and it didn’t matter if she was inside or outside. The silence, the darkness, the small amount of light that the streetlights provided, making the world look as if it was for once at peace.

 

Briana’s long, dark hair was pulled up into a half pony at the back of her head, a few of the brown strands falling down to frame her face. Her thin upper body was covered in a tight, black tank top, legs bathing in a pair of her older brother’s grey sweatpants, the piece of clothing way too large for her body.

 

Maybe it was the happy wedding fever spreading throughout the family, or maybe it was the fact that she could finally count the things she couldn’t do with one arm on that one hand, but the past week had been one of the happiest she had had lately.

 

Not because her dads weren’t home, she didn’t care about that; since the shooting she hadn’t really been the type to party or break the rules anyway. But her heart just somehow felt lighter - her entire body did. She felt happier, and as if the problems she was still having in her life were somehow possible to overcome. That day still haunted her, of course it did. The screams, the shots, the blood.

 

Whenever she thought about that, she froze up. But at the same time, Briana was aware that she would never be rid of that fact. That horrible day would never escape her, not for one second. Not now and not in thirty years. So maybe that was why she felt happier. Because she had finally accepted that.

 

Because Briana had finally accepted that she would always carry that day around with her - and that was alright.

 

She was torn out of her own head by somebody coming down the stairs; after growing up in this little house - well, it became little when there were four people living in it - with her dad and two brother’s, she knew who it was just by the rhythm of the steps, and she didn’t even have to look up. When she did, though, Brian was standing by the front door, back turned towards his sister, not quite noticing her just yet as he bent forwards, slipping his old chucks onto his feet, quite obviously making sure not to make a lot of noise.

 

“Where are you going?” Briana asked, getting up from her chair, letting her phone stay on the cushion as she walked over towards her twin brother.

 

“Jesus - fuck” Brian jumped around, a dark chuckle falling from his lips as he laid his eyes onto his sister, bringing a hand up to run it through the brown curly hair on top of his head. “I can’t sleep, I was just gonna take a walk or something. You coming?”

 

Briana stayed quiet for a second, thinking it over before she nodded, bending over to retrieve Brian’s combat boots from the corner, easily slipping her feet down into the way too large - although incredibly comfortable - shoes, tying them tightly around her ankles and making sure that they wouldn’t end up falling off of her tiny feet.

 

Brian slipped his phone out of the pocket of his cobalt colored zip up hoodie as he waited, unlocking it and lazily scrolling through the device. He had one or two unanswered text messages from Cole, but he knew that his boyfriend was most likely asleep by now, so he made the conscious decision to ignore them for now and write back in the morning.

 

Briana straightened up, rolling her shoulders back and tugging the hairtie out of her hair, bending back over to be able to collect all of the strands back up on top of her head. When the accident had first happened, tying her hair up had been one of the few things that she truly and genuinely believed that she would never be able to learn how to do with one hand. Her hair was long and thick and difficult enough to collect with two.

 

However, little by little she had inched forwards in her recovery, getting more and more used to the fact that she didn’t have a choice in whether she wanted to live with one arm. So now, she actually did know how to tie her hair up. It may not seem like a big deal to some people, but to herself, that had been a huge step.

 

Brian let his phone slip back into his pocket, reaching his hand behind himself and placing it on the handle of the front-door, getting ready to open it as his sister quickly searched through the seemingly thousands of jackets and sweatshirts that the family had collected on the section of hooks by the door.

 

She was way too lazy to find one that she was sure belonged to herself, so she grabbed her dad’s black denim jacket, not bothering to tuck the right sleeve inside of the clothing piece before she put it on, motioning for her brother to open the door, letting them out into the fresh, night air.

 

“Hey, guys. Hold on.” The twins were stopped at the threshold by their older brother coming down the stairs. His usual pair of grey skinny jeans were stretched around his legs, one of his old and torn up metallica t shirts hanging over his skinny frame - the one that Briana sometimes stole and wore to bed. His blonde hair looked even more damaged than usual, maybe because it hadn’t been washed in a few days, the slight dirt in the light strands making the hair stand in different directions. Yevgeny also had a black beanie on, sitting at the back of his head.

 

The hat almost fell off when he bent down to retrieve his old and dirty white chucks, slipping them onto his feet, seemingly too lazy to lace them up.

 

Not one of the siblings really said anything as the two youngest waited the few seconds it took for Yevgeny to get ready to go out the door. They didn’t need to. Brian didn’t know how it was in other families, really but he had always been extremely close with his brother and sister.

 

Sure, they fought like any other family members, but they had always been comfortable crying on each other’s shoulders or sneaking into each other’s beds when they were scared or sad and couldn’t sleep. It had never been strange to them, or something to be ashamed of. Even if they weren’t going through a particularly hard time, but still needed some support.

 

Once Yevgeny was ready, they all headed out the door, Briana staying behind for a second or two to lock the door before the three of them headed further out into the darkness. All six legs quite quickly ended up in the same pace, nobody walking too slow, but not too fast either. Briana wrapped her arm around herself, feeling the chill - well, chill to be Florida, at least - night air immediately cool her down as she looked down at her feet, watching the black combat boots take her further and further along the black asphalt. Brian ended up on her left side, Yevgeny on her right; it was some sort of a habit that they had all developed growing up.

 

Whenever they all walked together at night - and this was far from the first time, it was something that they did quite often, actually - her brother’s would make sure she was in the middle to protect her. This was an incredibly friendly neighborhood, but things still happened sometimes. Briana guessed that it was better to have a habit to keep her unnecessarily safe than to have her be unsafe.

 

“Bro, when are you going back to California?” Brian asked after a few minutes, the three siblings continuing to move forwards, Briana taking a deep breath, feeling the act calm her down even further. She could feel her half pony bop a little bit up and down at the back of her head with every single step. She swallowed, continuing to look forwards as she waited for Yevgeny to answer her twin brother’s question.

 

“Uh…” Yevgeny begun as they all turned a corner, all of them starting to feel the weather take a turn for the worse - which was the better for the Milkovich kids, because despite growing up in Miami, none of them had ever really been all that keen on sun. It started blowing just a little bit more, and Briana dug her fingers further into the denim fabric, pulling her father’s jacket just a little bit tighter around herself, enjoying the chill breeze on her face. “A week, probably. Maybe two; I need to do some studying before classes start” Yev spoke. “Why?”

 

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the shorter brother shrug a little bit, and she let go of herself, bringing a hand up to the top of her head to tighten her ponytail, feeling her heart beat at a steady pace.

 

“Nothing much. We’re playing North soon, I needed some help with my left. I’ll ask Cole, it’s cool” Brian and Yevgeny continued talking about basketball for the next five, eight blocks or so, but Briana tuned them out. She did enjoy watching her brother play, and sometimes she even made sure to catch the games on television, but she had never really bothered to dig deep enough into it to understand the whole right, left, point guard thing. She usually just knew which team she liked and hoped that they put the ball through the hoop.

 

The soft ‘tap tap tap’ of all of their shoes hitting the ground filled her ears over and over again, her heart soon matching the medium pace. Somewhere in the distance she could hear the soft noise of a crow, or maybe even two, and she knew that if she looked up, there would be dark clouds above their heads, promising rain.

 

***

 

A little over a month after Ian and Mickey got back from their honeymoon, home-life in the Milkovich family was pretty much back to normal. The only thing that had changed was Ian’s last name and the matched rings that the older men carried around their fingers.

 

They were both ecstatic to be married, of course, but in the end they had three kids together and they didn’t have all that much time to think about it. The days rolled on and Yevgeny went back to California with a promise that he would try to make the best of it, and that he would call them all as soon as possible. A little more time passed and Brian and Briana had to go back to school.

 

In the beginning, Briana hadn’t been all too happy with the idea of repeating senior year - which had been her choice, by the way; both her and Brian had had good enough grades to graduate and get into at least somewhat of a decent college - but the thing was that she knew that this was the right call. For both of them. She didn’t want to settle for a decent college, she wanted to be the best, do the best.

 

Repeating would give her a chance to get her grades up, and it would also mean that she got to live at home with her family for another year, focusing on getting back all of her mental strength after the accident. Though she felt a lot better now there were still some things that she had to work through, and she guessed that they would be there for a long time. That was alright. That had to be alright.

 

What she had been worried about was being labelled around school as ‘the chick who got her arm shot off’ even more than before. She was well aware of the fact that that was what people saw her ass.

 

And though Brian was definitely one of the popular kids - the star of the basketball team - now they also saw him as ‘the brother of the chick who got her arm shot off’. It wasn’t ideal, but with every single day that passed; every single class she sat in, every single person she talked to - she realized that it shouldn’t bother her all that much. Sure, she may be more than ‘the chick who got her arm shot off’ but she was that too.

 

Briana was never going to become happier or healthier unless she started accepting herself. She had been through something terrible, something traumatic - the entire school had, in fact - and she only had one arm. It was unusual. Her entire life people were going to look, people were going to ask and people were going to wonder. Was she born that way? Was she in an accident at some point? Did somebody do that to her for fun?

 

She was missing a limb, and that fact would always stick with her just like she knew that horrible day would. That was okay.

 

***

 

A loud sigh escaped Ian’s lips as he entered the house one night, running a hand over his hair, the signs of a headache starting to register with him. He loved his job, of course he did - he had picked it for a reason. But certain days just felt a fuck of a lot longer than other ones. That’s why he was happy to finally be back home with his family. As soon as he entered the door, he was greeted by the strong - wonderful - smell of some kind of food cooking; his stomach immediately reacted, letting him know with a low growl how much it wanted dinner.

 

Ian peeled his jacket off, hanging it onto one of the little hooks by the door before he toed his shoes off, walking further into the well-lit house and towards the kitchen. It was Briana’s turn to cook tonight, and she was standing by the stove, stirring something inside of the frying pan that Ian couldn’t quite see what it was.

 

His husband was sitting by the kitchen island, right hand curled around a pen above a white sheet of paper as he frowned, looking at his computer screen. Ian stopped for a second before either of his family members noticed him; he leaned against the wall in the doorway, just observing them both.

 

His daughter had her long dark hair collected into a bun on top of her head, her tiny upper body was all but drowning in a large dark green t shirt that Ian was pretty sure was his own. That was something that he had noticed quite quickly about this family - they always borrowed each other’s clothes. Briana borrowed from all four of the men in the family, Yevgeny borrowed from Brian, Brian borrowed from Yevgeny, Yevgeny borrowed from Mickey, Brian borrowed from Mickey, Mickey sometimes borrowed from Yevgeny and Ian was pretty sure that he had seen Yevgeny in one of his sister’s old rocker tees at some point. It was a complete mess, but Ian had to admit that it was kind of nice. That they were all that close.

 

A pair of skin tight black leggings covered Briana’s legs, feet stuffed into a pair of black knitted boots, ending at her knee. Her face was left free of makeup, and her eyes were framed by a pair of black glasses that Ian had never really seen her wear before - possibly once or twice. His gaze drifted to his husband, and he had to fight a large grin - Mickey was also wearing a pair of glasses. They looked to be almost the same exact pair as his daughter, and for maybe the first time Ian realized how truly identical they actually looked. Their arched eyebrows, their thick lips, their round faces - all of it.

 

“Hey” Ian spoke softly, finally making himself known as he took a few steps into the kitchen. Briana looked up first, turning around to face her stepfather with a kind smile on her face.

 

“Hey, Ian” She greeted easily before she turned back around, getting up onto her toes and opening the cupboard, getting a hold of four clean plates, going back to preparing dinner as Ian shifted his attention to his husband who had now momentarily abandoned his work in favor of tilting his neck slightly upwards, silently asking for a kiss.

 

Ian’s grin grew a little bit bigger as he took the remaining steps forwards, winding his arm around his husband’s neck and dipping down for an open mouthed, but still somehow chaste kiss, using it as a greeting instead of an ‘hello’.

 

Mickey’s hand landed on his waist as they pulled apart. Despite the fact that they both had jobs, bills and children to care about, they were still very much in the honeymoon stage of their relationship and maybe Ian was being naive, but he honestly couldn’t imagine that stage ever truly disappearing from their lives - fading as they really got used to being married, maybe, sure - but not disappearing. Maybe they had been through enough shit together that they would be allowed to have a good live together now. God knows that’s what Ian hoped.

 

“Food’s almost ready, I think Brian’s still up in his room. Could you get him?” Mickey asked his husband, to which Ian nodded, dropping one more, quick kiss to his lips before they let go of each other. Briana had sat down at the edge of the kitchen island, scrolling through her phone, most likely waiting for the dinner to be completely finished. Ian dropped a soft kiss to her forehead before exiting the kitchen, heading towards the stairs.

 

He took them easily, sometimes one step at a time and sometimes two. Since Brian’s room was closest to the top of the stairs, it was fairly soon that Ian heard the muffled music coming from inside, the door closed. He lifted his hand, using two of his knuckles to knock onto the flat, wooden surface, waiting for his son to answer.

 

One second went by, and then two, a sigh escaping Ian’s nose at the silence - well, save for the metallica music playing. He knocked once more, this time getting a response. Brian opened the door, his long brown hair hanging in sweat soaked sections, the rest of his body shiny with the bodily fluid as well. One of his regular black muscle tees were hanging over him, the thin fabric sticking to some parts of his torso, a pair of basketball shorts covering his legs a little bit past his knees.

 

“What?” He asked, voice even a little bit darker than usual, his regular, casual smile that he usually carried on his face nowhere to be seen. The dark eyebrows were raised, the frown lines visible in his forehead, making him look even more like his father than he usually did. His hands were wrapped in tape, and Ian could see the boxing mannequin beside his bed.

 

“Dinner is almost done” Ian spoke, ever so slightly taken aback by the absence of Brian usual somewhat happy attitude. He had never really seen this angry - or annoyed - guy before, but he shook it off, figuring that it was nothing. Everyone were allowed to have bad days, if anybody knew that, it was Ian. “You want to take a shower and come down? Watch some tv?”

 

“I’m good. I need to work out” Brian shook his head, turning around and walking back into the room, giving the mannequin a few more, hard punches as Ian watched, a frown settled on his face. There was absolutely nothing wrong with working out, but he had never really seen his son do it to quite this degree before - besides, by how exhausted and sweaty he looked, Ian would guess that he had been at it for at least a couple of hours. That was more than enough for one night.

 

“You sure? Don’t you have that game coming up tomorrow night? Your arms are going to be killing you” Ian stated truthfully, taking half a step forwards so that he could lean in the doorway, crossing his arms over his chest as he observed Brian as he worked himself into exhaustion.

 

“I’ll be fine. Gotta get ready for it” The younger boy continued punching the mannequin as hard as he possibly could, drops of sweat pouring down from his hair and collecting in the dip of his collarbone. His feet moved quickly back and forth as he punched faster and faster; harder and harder and working himself further and further. Ian swallowed, feeling some kind of uneasiness settle throughout his body.

 

This aside, though, he realized that Brian was eighteen and could make his own decisions, so he nodded slightly despite the fact that his son wasn’t looking. Then he turned around, walking down the stairs again.

 

“He’s not coming?” Mickey asked when Ian entered the kitchen again. The younger man shrugged.

 

“You know those rebellious teenage years you said he never really hit? I think he just hit them”

 

***

 

Briana, Mickey and Ian all ate dinner by the television, the muffled music never once stopping. Mickey had decided to ignore his son’s suddenly rough attitude - he knew all too well what would happen if he tried to force him to come down for dinner anyway, it would be an ugly fight and he wouldn’t win. Somehow his son had managed to have even more stubbornness in his heart that Mickey did.

 

After they had all finished eating, though, Mickey did decide to check on him. He took the stairs easily, knowing a few times on the door, not bothering to wait before he opened the door and walked inside - he could hear the ‘thud thud thud’ of Brian’s punches anyway.

 

His son didn’t bother to acknowledge him, instead he continued punching the mannequin over and over again, his skin not only drenched in sweat but starting to become a shade that was a little bit pinker than normal, truly showing how tired his body was becoming. His hair looked just like it did when he had stepped out of the shower, although Mickey would imagine that it smelled a lot worse.

 

Mickey stayed still for a second or two, standing a step or two inside of his son’s room as he crossed his arms, chewing on the inside of his cheek, Brian not slowing down for one second.

 

“You want to tell me what’s wrong?” Mickey finally asked; the only reaction he got out of the younger man, though was a quick shake of the head, his punches only growing faster and more powerful by the second, the mannequin even starting to wiggle a little bit back and forth - something it didn’t do unless you punched it harder than it was intended for.

 

“Leave me alone, I need to do this. Need to get ready” Mickey sighed at the quick, dark and breathy voice as he rolled his eyes, his tongue darting out to wet his bottom lip in frustration. He didn’t have a problem with his son working out, not at all. But he did have to admit that he seemed to be going a little bit overboard, and the more Mickey thought about it, the more he realized that Brian had spent a lot more nights at the gym in the past couple of weeks than he ever could have remembered him doing in the past.

 

“Did um… Did something happen with Cole?” Mickey asked his son. He just didn’t know where the fuck else to start, what else could really have gone wrong? Then again, he also realized that he most likely knew about forty percent of the things that went on in his children’s lives - which was fine, they were adults after all. He just wished that he knew how to help Brian right now, he wished that he knew what exactly was wrong.

 

Brian finally stopped punching the mannequin, turning to his father with his eyebrows raised, chest heaving up and down in exhaustion.

 

“No” He said. “Me and Cole are fine. Would you just leave me alone?”

 

“Is this about the game tomorrow?” Mickey promptly ignored his son’s request. “I know it’s an important one, and if you’re nervous, I understand that, bud. But you’re a great player, you’re - “

 

“You just don’t fucking get it, alright?” Brian finally barked, voice darker than Mickey had ever really heard it before. “Great isn't good enough. I’m the fucking captain, my teammates are counting on me and in twenty hours, if I am not _perfect_ \- they’re gonna eat me alive”

 

Mickey swallowed, digging his fingertips into his own arms as he listened to his son’s rant, wishing that he knew how to help.

 

  
***

 

  
Brian swallowed, tiredly putting his stack of books into his open locker, sighing in frustration as they just barely fit. His blood was still absolutely coursing throughout his veins, his head spinning about tonight, desperately wondering how it would all end up working out.

 

A smile appeared on his lips as he felt two large and warm hands being placed on either side of his waist; he closed his locker before turning around in Cole’s embrace, immediately accepting the kiss, leaning into the act as their tongues easily slid over each other for a second, his heart fluttering with love right before they pulled apart. Cole’s eyes slowly blinked open, settling on his boyfriend’s.

 

“Are you alright?” Brian’s eyes furrowed slightly at the question as he nodded.

 

“Yeah, ‘course. Why?” The younger boy shrugged a little bit, tongue darting out to wet his own lips as he seemed to hesitate for a second.

 

“I ran into your sister earlier. She said something was going on with you last night” Brian sighed deeply, softly lifting his boyfriend’s hands off of his body as they started walking down the hallway side by side, heading towards their next classes.

 

“Briana needs to mind her own fucking business” Cole frowned, turning the words over in his head. While he understood that siblings could annoy the fuck out of you sometimes, he had never heard Brian say something like that about Briana before.

 

“You sure?” Cole asked, stopping his feet, his large hand wrapping around his boyfriend’s wrist, stopping him as well, both of them turning to face each other. “Because you’re shaking a little bit” He swallowed, frowning as he let his gaze wander over Brian’s clothed body, for once not just to appreciate it. A large smile was stretched out across Brian’s face as he placed a hand on the side of Cole’s face, his thumb resting on his chin, their eyes deep into one another’s.

 

“You’re here. My heart’s racing too” Brian spoke smoothly, tilting his neck upwards a little bit, their lips pressing together in another kiss right before the older man walked away into his class, leaving Cole alone in the hallway, thinking over what had just happened.

 

A part of him was scared that there was something his boyfriend was hiding, but he decided to shake it off for now; praying to god that it wasn’t the wrong decision.

 

  
***

 

  
Later that night, Brian was on the basketball court, the crowed loudly cheering the name of whichever team they were rooting for. The remaining five Milkovich’s - and Cole - were sitting at the very top of the bleachers, smiling as they watched Brian’s team score time after time, doing more than amazing. Mickey felt his heart swell with pride, just like it always did when he watched his son out on the court. He didn’t have any idea how Brian - or either of his two other children, for that matter - could possibly have turned out as amazing as they did, but he was thankful for that fact every single day.

 

Brian’s heart was beating heavily in his chest as he played the game of his life, his body moving perfectly, and exactly the way that he needed it to, tons of energy coursing throughout his veins, a thin layer of sweat starting to build up on his skin.

 

Suddenly, though, he wasn’t feeling all that well anymore. The crowd’s cheering turned into meaningless noise, the colors of the basketball uniforms blended together, his head starting to pound ever so slightly. Brian’s entire field of vision turned into a blur, and then everything was black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guuuys, we're so close to the end I'm so saaad. Oh well. I hope that you all enjoyed this chapter. I love you all so much. <3


	48. Don't You Remember The Monsters?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don’t you remember the monsters?”

**Eighteen years, six months ago**

  
_Mickey’s throat felt unbelievably dry as his feet moved slowly forwards, following his sister into the little room with the baby beds. His chapped lips were parted, stinging as he did his best to somehow get his head screwed on straight._

 

_He felt as if he was floating, only he didn’t know whether that was a good thing or a bad one. Mandy walked surely, shoulders rolled back and using long strides; Mickey wished that he could move like that right now, but it was an impossibility. He was too nervous. Too scared. He didn’t know how to do this. Never in a million years had he imagined that he would be here again - or at all to begin with, really._

 

_The nurse walked with them, stopping by a pair of beds, the plastic edges tightly placed next to each other, a baby in each. One wore a blue hat and one wore a red one. Mickey’s throat dried out even a little bit further as he looked. They were perfect. Despite his best efforts not to, he could feel his eyes start to develop some wetness, his stomach turning around and around in a way that he had only really felt a time or two. When he had been alone with Yevgeny. It felt… good. As if he was… proud?_

 

_“They’re so beautiful” Mandy spoke, voice incredibly happy and somehow squealing despite the fact that she was clearly making an effort to be quiet. The nurse smiled kindly at them, but Mickey wasn’t looking up. He was too focused on his babies; their hands curled into fists up by their heads as they blinked tiredly up into the ceiling, lips moving a little bit as if they were tasting something that wasn’t there. Maybe just getting used to the world._

 

_“They’re just waking up; would you like to hold them?” The nurse asked softly. Mickey swallowed, still unable to tear his eyes away from them as he distantly heard Mandy answer with a ‘yes’. The nurse carefully lifted the boy up, handing him over to Mandy slowly before making her way out of the room, leaving the two pairs of siblings alone to get acquainted. Mickey followed the movement, his gaze focusing on his son, his sister’s arms wrapped around his tiny little body._

 

_“Holy shit” Mandy cursed through a whisper as she looked down at the tiny, grumpy face. “He looks just like you, Mick” Mickey wasn’t really there enough to respond; instead he was completely focused on the boy, trying his best to get his vocal chords working again. His own hands clenched and unclenched in and out of nervous fists by his sides as he swallowed over and over again, feeling his eyes start to become even a little bit more wet. “He’s so tiny. So perfect” Mandy continued to speak quietly and in a whisper as he bobbed her arms up and down just a tiny bit, the baby’s eyes fluttering closed for a second before they opened up again, the deep brown color looking straight up into his aunt’s loving blue gaze._

 

_After a second or two, the older pair of siblings looked up, their soft gazes connecting with each other. Mandy swallowed; her brother had never been very skilled at hiding his emotions, at least not from her. She could see everything in his eyes. The nervousness, the love and the amazement._

 

_“Pick her up” Mandy whispered, nodding her head gently to the other incubator where the baby girl was still laying safely, looking as if she was just about ready to go back to sleep, her little eyelids looking incredibly heavy._

 

_Mickey forced himself to swallow down the lump in his throat as good as he could as he looked down at her; she looked just like her brother only with slightly bigger lips and a little bit more of a round face. His heart was fluttering violently in his chest, terrified to do just that. Terrified to pick her up. What if he dropped her, or what if he didn’t know how to do this? What if he was just a really terrible father?_

 

_“Go on, Mickey. You’ll do amazing” Mandy urged him on gently as she continued moving the boy up and down softly, soothing him._

 

_A nervous breath fell out from in between Mickey’s parted lips as he bent down just a little bit, making sure to be as gentle as he possibly could as he slipped his hands underneath her tiny little body, cupping his hand softly around the back of her head as he scooped her up into his arms, standing up straight again, eyes focused on her beautiful little face. Her tiny little fist clenched a part of the blanket that was wrapped around her, her eyes blinking up at her father, making Mickey feel as if his heart was actually breaking into two. In the best possible way._

 

_“Have you ever seen anything more precious in the entire world?” Mandy asked, her voice slightly more baby-like now, as if she was talking to the babies rather than to her brother - which she probably was. Her bent arms continued moving the boy softly up and down as she looked down into the large, innocent brown eyes._

 

_“I don’t know how to do this” Mickey hadn’t really been aware of the words resting on the tip of his tongue before they were out of his mouth, making his sister look up, their eyes locking._

 

_“Yeah, you do. Just support her head” Mandy said, teeth capturing her own bottom lip in a smile as she looked down at the baby girl, feeling her heart physically swell at how cute she was. She couldn’t wait to get to know these babies, couldn’t wait to help raise them and love them more than anything._

 

_“No, Mands, I mean… “ Mickey sighed, shaking his head slightly as he looked down into the large brown eyes staring up at him, watching his daughter blink. Her little hand continued clenching the blanked into a fist, letting it go again as if she was practicing her fighting skills already. Surely she was Mickey’s. “This” He finally finished with somewhat of a whisper. “How to be a good dad, I don’t… I want to be. I do. I just…” Mickey did his best to get his point out of his dry throat, his eyes all the while staying focused on his daughter’s precious face as her lips moved tiredly together and apart, making her look as if she was tasting the air once again._

 

_Mickey did love Yevgeny by now, of course he did. The twisted way in which he had been brought into this world had really nothing to do with him, and he was still Mickey’s son. But despite that fact, he had never done this before. He had never been there when Yevgeny was really a newborn, so he didn’t know how to handle this. Sure, for some reason Mickey did want to be there this time, more than anything. But how? He didn’t know how to do this. Those were the only words he could hear echoing throughout his brain - ‘I don’t know how the fuck I’m supposed to do this’._

 

_“You’re gonna be a great dad” Mandy assured her brother, eyes on the tiny brown pair blinking up at her. Mickey detected an incredibly easy going tone in the words, a happy tone. As if she wasn’t worried what so ever, which was incredibly strange to Mickey. Despite the fact that Nina would without a doubt be an amazing mother, Mickey was terrified that he would end up fucking these children up somehow. If he were to abandon them, then he was failing them, but if he stayed… what if he failed them anyway? “Hey” The word along with the soft touch of his sister’s hand on his arm made Mickey tear his eyes away from his daughter’s and look into Mandy’s._

 

_Mandy slowly brought her arm back to herself, placing it back under the baby boy to add the extra support as a kind and gentle smile was stretched out across her face, a calming look in her gaze._

 

_“You’re not Terry - none of us are. You’re a great guy, Mickey” Mandy’s blonde ponytail bopped slightly up and down with her movements as she nodded, agreeing with her own words as Mickey listened. “Don’t worry. You’re gonna do amazing”_

 

_Mickey swallowed, keeping his eyes on hers for a second before moving his gaze back down. His daughter’s eyelids had finally given up by now, covering her dark, beautiful eyes as she slept, soft and tiny breaths escaping her nose, her fist still clenching the blanket up by her chin. Her lips were together, and if Mickey didn’t know better, he could swear that she was smiling. Just a little bit._

 

_“How do you know?” He couldn’t help but ask. Mickey was well aware that he would be a better father than Terry - it wasn’t a very difficult task. But that didn’t mean that he would somehow have an intuition good enough that he would be a good one. The last thing he wanted to do was screw these kids up. They were beautiful, and they were tiny and all he wanted to do was to protect them. He was just terrified that he didn’t know how._

 

_“Don’t you remember the monsters?” Mandy asked, that childish, baby-talking tickle in her voice once again as she bobbed the little boy up and down in her arms, watching his little mouth being pulled up into a happy smile, pride and love coursing all throughout his aunt’s veins._

 

_“Uh… no?” Mickey asked confused, his eyebrows slightly knitted. Although he didn’t take his eyes off of his daughter. He couldn’t do that right now, she was way too precious and too beautiful. So tiny, depending on him for every little thing. Completely defenseless._

 

_“When we were little, Mickey…” Mandy continued, still paying very much attention to the little boy in her arms, as Mickey was doing to the girl in his own; while still hanging on to every single one of his sister’s words. “And mom would turn out the lights. There would be fighting - of course - and I thought it was the monsters on the walls. I thought they were screaming, and I thought they were going to kill me or something” Mickey swallowed before looking up, his eyes establishing contact with his sister’s._

 

_“I don’t get it” He frowned, and Mandy just smiled softly, shrugging a little bit albeit making sure to keep her movements small with the baby boy in her arms. She tilted her head slightly to the side as she started talking again, voice serious and gentle._

 

_“They were the shadows, Mick. You always explained it to me, and even afterwards you would climb in my bed and you would make me feel better. You were, what? Five? You made me feel so fucking safe. You still do” Mandy spoke, still carrying the soft smile on her face, knowing that she was being successful in calming her brother down - even if just for a little bit. “I don’t even know why I remember that, but I do”_

 

_Mickey forced himself to take a deep breath as he soaked the words in, letting them seep through his veins, calming him down just a little bit. He remembered that as well, actually. Before their mom had died, the fighting in the Milkovich house had been even worse than it had been afterwards. Terry had done things to their mother than had made her scream louder than Mickey had ever heard anybody before. He could still hear her sometimes. ‘Stop. Please, stop. What are you doing? Please stop, please!’_

 

_Mickey swallowed, blinking away his tears as he looked back down at his sleeping daughter. His biggest priority when they had been younger had been to keep Mandy warm and safe and happy. To some degree, he guessed that it still was. Mandy continued speaking as if she had just been reading his mind;_

 

_“I know you’re gonna be a great father, because you’ve always been a great big brother”_

 

_Mickey blinked back up at his sister._

 

_“You really think so?”_

 

_“With all of my heart, I do”_

 

  
***

  
Mickey blinked tiredly, the memory fading a little bit with each second that passed as he looked in through the glass divider, his throat feeling just as dry now as it had all those years ago. His body felt numb. Back then he had had a feeling that he was going to screw these children up somehow, but he hadn’t had any clue as to just how badly. Not even twenty years in and he had one missing a limb with severe mental injuries and one passed out in a hospital bed. Mickey wasn’t an idiot, he knew what most people would say ‘It’s not your fault, Mickey. You’re a good father’.

 

Yeah, he could easily hear both Mandy and Ian saying it, even Svetlana. But that would never help. Mickey didn’t agree with them. Yeah - he loved all three of his children more than anything else in the entire world, but what good did that do if he couldn’t keep them safe? If he couldn’t keep them from getting hurt, which was literally one of his only obligations as a parent. To keep them happy, warm and out of harms way.

 

Mickey’s knuckles turned white as he clenched the wooden part at the bottom of the window, swallowing roughly, forcing his tears back into his eyes. He didn’t know how to do this, he realized. Almost nineteen years after that day, so many trials, so many errors and he still hadn’t learned how the fuck to do all of this.

 

“That was a long time ago” Mickey was further dragged out of his own head by Mandy walking up next to him, her gaze straight forwards, remembering the same thing that her brother as mentally gone through a mere few minutes ago; wondering how they had all somehow managed to get themselves here. To this point, to this… state. So much time had passed since they had stood inside of that little room, holding the twins so tenderly, and yet - it felt as if it was yesterday. “You were so fucking nervous” Mandy added with a slight chuckle, and all Mickey seemed to be able to do was blink tiredly straight ahead. His entire body felt completely numb, as if he had been drained of every single ounce of energy inside of him - which honestly, probably wasn’t all that far off.

 

His son was laying in that hospital bed, dead or alive and nobody was telling him anything.

 

Granted - he probably would have been told if there was a chance that Brian wasn’t going to make it, but his point still stood. He had no fucking idea what was wrong, no clue what had happened to him out on that court and currently no way of finding out. Mickey definitely had no clue how to handle this, what to do or what to say. What to think. All he could do was stay quiet and do his absolute best to keep himself calm despite the fact that that task was proving to be an incredibly difficult one.

 

“I am so proud of you, Mick. You know that?” Mickey frowned at his sister’s hand cupped over his shoulder and the words coming out of her mouth. He had been hunched over ever so slightly, but now he straightened up, turning towards Mandy, his dark eyebrows still knitted into that signature frown as he did his absolute best to figure out what she could mean.

 

The way he saw it, he had failed. Nothing more and nothing less. Yeah, Brian and Briana were good kids, they were kind and they were considerate but at what price? All the shit they had had to go through over the years? Losing Nina, the shooting, and a ton of other smaller shit that Mickey surely would come to think of, were he to sit down and try to.

 

“What the fuck for?” At the question, Mandy fought the incredibly strong urge to roll her eyes and instead shrugged just a little bit, smiling at her brother softly.

 

“I know you, Mickey. Better than anybody” She spoke. “And I know that you think that all of this shit that the twins have had to deal with have been your fault, and that you could have stopped them. Maybe you even think that you’ve failed, but you’re wrong” Mickey sighed deeply, letting himself drink in every single word. It wasn’t all that often that he and Mandy talked quite this seriously to one another, acknowledged each other quite this deeply, so he knew that it was important to his sister than he listen. So he did. “Mickey, you’ve been there, alright? Through all of it - everything” Mandy gestured to the glass, making Mickey look into the little room again, blinking at the memory flashing back into his brain. “That’s a fuck of a lot more than Terry did - or Frank or fucking Lana’s dad, alright?”

 

Mickey let his gaze drift back towards his sister, their eye contact being picked up for a second or two before he sipped his head, nervously thumbing his bottom lip, wondering whether she was right or not.

 

Was he a better dad than Terry or Frank? Of course - even he could see that. But in moments like these he just wondered. He thought over everything, trying to find a way in which he could have done even better.

 

Surely there was a way. Some scenario in which he had done something differently and Briana would still have her arm. Some scenario in which they were home by now, laughing over dinner and a movie instead of here at the hospital in the middle of the night, not knowing whether Brian was alive or not.

 

“Look, Mickey. You’re a great dad - an even better person. Don’t ever fucking doubt that, alright?” Mickey swallowed at his sister’s continued words, looking back up into her caring and convincing eyes. “There’s a reason Nina named them Milkovich too, you know. She believed in you. We all do”

 

  
***

 

  
_Mickey was pretty sure that he could physically feel his heart throwing itself against the ribcage over and over again as he walked the seemingly endless hallway up towards the hospital room where he had been told Nina was laying now._

 

_He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous; he had seen the babies all of a few hours ago and Nina was a really good friend. Yet, for some reason he was terrified to see the babies together with her. He knew that it would somehow make it all all the more real. Better, maybe. He wasn’t all too sure._

 

_Mickey captured the inside of his bottom lip in between his teeth as he made it up to the door, pushing it open with a few knocks with his knuckles against the flat, white surface, walking inside._

 

_Nina was sitting in the tiny bed, her medium brown hair pulled up into a bun on top of her head, her makeup free face somehow making her look so much younger than she usually did. Like a little girl in some way. The baby with the red hat was resting in her hands, the boy laying inside of the little baby bed placed on the floor next to her. Nina was looking down at the girl, a large smile on her face._

 

_Mickey had to admit that he felt his heart swell at the sight. Despite the fact that he was gay and would never have any romantic or sexual feelings towards a woman, he did love Nina. Not the way in which she deserved, of course. But she was his best friend, and though mostly platonic, he wasn’t sure that he would ever really be able to describe how deep that love went inside of him._

 

_A smile was spread out across his own face as he slowly and quietly closed the door behind him, taking a few more steps into the room and capturing the attention of the mother._

 

_“Hey” Nina said, the words just barely audible what so ever, her happy grin still placed onto her face as she nodded weakly towards one of the chairs, urging her baby daddy to sit down and join them._

 

_Mickey did so, quietly dragging the chair closer towards the two beds, feeling as if his throat was too thick to really say anything. His guts were churning somehow, tumbling around and he had to virtual way of deciding how to feel about any of this - but somehow, though he had never expected more kids, it felt good. It hadn’t even been twenty four hours, and he already loved the twins. So much._

 

_As Mickey had sat down, Nina’s attention had drifted back to her daughter, her arms bobbing ever so slightly up and down to calm her. Mickey swallowed down the lump in his throat, forcing back some of the tears begging to spill as he watched the baby girl, blinking tiredly up at Nina, her little lips smacking just a tiny bit, as if she was tasting her own tongue, or maybe she was just getting ready to go to sleep._

 

_Mickey tore his gaze away from them and instead turned to his left, looking down at his son. The blue hat was on a little bit to the side, a few short and very thin but noticeable, curly strands of hair already growing out of his head._

 

_Mickey swallowed, gathering up the courage before reaching into the little bed, carefully adjusting the little hat to make it sit on his tiny head straighter right before he stood up, bending over the bed, sliding his hands in under the baby boy, picking him up._

 

_Mickey’s hand was softly cupped on the back of his head, supporting his neck as he sank back down into his own chair, leaning back as his son rested in his arms for the very first time. The large, brown eyes blinked up at him, the thin and barely noticeable eyebrows already forming a natural frown - it made Mickey smile a little bit bigger, his heart warming up. Yes. This was definitely his son._

 

_A slight squeal of some sort escaped the boy’s tiny little lips and he reached out, getting a hold of the black fabric of his father’s shirt sleeve, clenching it inside of his tiny little fist. Mickey swallowed, feeling a warm tear make its way down his cheek, his entire body filling with nothing but pure love. He knew now, that he would do his absolute best to be a good parents to every single one of his children._

 

_No matter what, they came first. They would never have to worry about whether or not he loved them._

 

_“That’s Brian” Mickey looked up at Nina’s soft voice, blue eyes falling onto kind brown._

 

_“What?” The man asked, voice sounding slightly out of breath. Maybe from all of the work his heart was having to do to keep him standing straight up at this point. This was all way too much - possibly in the best way._

 

_Mickey was completely and utterly terrified to see how all of this would end up turning out from here. But he also knew that there was nothing he would rather spend his time doing than figuring it out. He wanted to be here._

 

_For the twins, for Yevgeny, for Nina - for fucking Mandy and for Svetlana - for everybody. Mickey knew that ‘captain dependable’ wasn’t exactly the kind of smoke that wafted off of him. But he also had come to learned over the past few years, that that was kind of who he was. He wanted the people he loved to be happy and he wanted them to be safe._

 

_“Yeah. Brian” Nina repeated before looking down at the baby girl in her own arms. “Briana”_

 

_A slight sound between a chuckle and sigh left Mickey’s mouth as he looked back down at his son. At Brian. He looked so fucking peaceful, struggling to keep his eyelids from covering his eyes. His little fist was still clenched around the black fabric of his father’s t shirt, his eyebrows knitted together in a way that would surely create wrinkles in his forehead in his teenage years if he kept doing it subconsciously as he grew up._

 

_“Brian and Briana Cabrera” Mickey spoke quietly, another warm tear rolling down his cheek. He couldn’t help it. He had so much now. A family. A good one. He swallowed thickly, his heart fluttering as he continued looking down at his son, amazed at how beautiful a baby could be - two babies._

 

_“Cabrera Milkovich, actually” Mickey’s lips parted, dark eyebrows knitting together ever so slightly as his gaze focused on Nina, trying to figure out exactly what she was getting at. The soft smile stayed on her lips as she swallowed. “You’re a good man, Mickey. Probably one of the best I know. They’ll be proud of their name”_

 

  
***

 

  
“Are you going to be alright, babe?” Ian’s soft voice rang into Mickey’s ear in the otherwise just about empty waiting room. Their hands were resting safely tangled together, the touch calming the older man down ever so slightly as he leaned back in his chair, back resting against the wall as he nodded a few times.

 

“I’ll be fine, man” He spoke flatly; he didn’t really know what else to do because he wasn’t all too sure. Mickey and Nina had been very close in the years before she had died, and he was more than aware of what she would say or do if she were here. She would sit him down, those big brown eyes looking into his own, her head tilting slightly to the side. With a kind smile on her face she would say;

 

‘Mickey this isn’t your fault. You need to know that. You an amazing father, I wouldn’t have left my babies to you if I wasn’t sure about that’. It wasn’t all too different from what Mandy had said before, and Mickey guessed that technically they were right. He had done his best, and in a way shouldn't that be enough to make him a good dad?

 

Mickey wasn’t sure. Right now his head was just a complete haze, surrounded by a heavy daze of confusion and worry. His beautiful son was laying somewhere in this fucking hospital and nobody was telling him shit. All he could do was sit here, shaking his leg up and down and thinking over all the shit that he had done wrong in his life. As if somebody was answering his unprayed prayers, though, a doctor came walking down the hallway towards them, somewhat of a grim look on his face, which worried Brian’s fathers to no end.

 

“Is he going to be okay?” Ian was the one to speak as the two men stood up to meet the doctor. Mickey’s throat was way too thick right now, he couldn’t talk. He couldn’t do anything. All he could think was ‘What if he isn’t alright? What the fuck do I do?’. Ian’s hand was still braided together with his husband’s as the doctor started talking, Mickey clinging onto every single word, yet not really understanding any of it as a whole.

  
 “English, please?” Mickey couldn’t help but say. The doctor swallowed, turning more towards the older man, looking back down at his little clipboard for a second before he started speaking again.

 

“What we found in his blood is this new substance, something we don’t know a lot about just yet. It’s essentially a quite heavy mixture of speed and steroids. A lot of young athletes use it to enhance their performance. What happened what most likely that Brian took a little bit too much, maybe on several occasions. This together with him working himself to exhaustion out on the court was what resulted in the collapse”

 

Mickey swallowed dryly. Fucking drugs.

 

“I should have known, fuck” He cursed through a whisper, speaking to nobody but himself as he slipped his hand out of Ian’s, bringing it up to his face, using his thumb and middle fingers to rub the tears back into his eyes. The way Brian was acting yesterday, Mickey should have seen it. He should have fucking known, and he should have forced him to sit the game out. After how Mickey grew up, if anybody should have seen the signs of substance abuse, it was him. Especially in his own son.

 

“Mickey, calm down. We’ll deal with this, alright?” Ian spoke softly, placing a hand on his husband’s shoulder, squeezing it comfortably. “Don’t blame yourself, he’ll be fine. We’ll be fine” After a beat, or maybe even two, Ian swallowed, shifting his attention back to the doctor. “He… he will be fine, right?”

 

“Yes” The doctor nodded, looking back down to his clipboard and scribbling something as Mickey forced himself to take a deep breath, looking back up. “We pumped his stomach, and he’s awake. He’s tired and will need to stay for a day or so to make sure that there aren’t any side effects, but you can see him now, if you would like to”

 

“You go, Mick. I’ll stay here” Ian told his husband, voice gentle. Mickey forced himself to swallow once again, starting to follow the doctor down the hallway towards the room where his son was resting at the moment. His heart was banging against his ribcage, and he wished oh so badly that he knew how to stop it, how to calm himself down, but he didn’t. He had no fucking clue. Right now he just needed to see his son, make sure that he was truly going to be just fine.

 

The doctor let Mickey into the room without much of a word, pulling the door closed behind him and leaving the father alone with his son. As soon as Mickey’s eyes reached his son, he felt as if he was being shattered into pieces.

 

Brian was laying on his back, that permanent frown very much on his face. His entire body looked pale, weak as he slowly blinked his eyes open, deep brown eyes falling onto blue. The way Brian’s lips were parted, the slow way in which his eyelids were covering his eyes every now and then - Mickey couldn’t help but to be taken back to the day he was born. He looked just an innocent, just as beautiful. He made his father’s heart sting just as much now as he had back then.

 

“Drugs, Bri?” Mickey’s voice wasn’t loud, it wasn’t angry. The words were soft, covered in a thick layer of disappointment. Brian’s tongue darted out to wet his bottom lip, a steady tear falling out of his right eye, trailing all the way down his face.

 

“Dad, I’m sorry” Mickey sighed deeply, taking long strides over to the bed. Brian inched himself over a little bit, giving his father the space he needed to lay next to him, a little bit further up, his string arms being wrapped safely around his son, Brian’s hands curling around his forearms as a few more tears escaped both of their eyes.

 

“You fucking asshole, don’t ever scare me like that again, alright?” Mickey whispered, voice cracking as he pressed a soft kiss to Brian’s forehead, ruffling his fingers through the slightly sweaty hair. For now, what mattered was that his son was going to live. Anything else, they could deal with later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter before the epilogue what the fuck?! I hope that you all liked this chapter, and I hope that you'll have an amazing day! <3


	49. Graduation Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What happened to me - what happened to all of us that day - it was terrible, and it’s taken me a long time to even begin to leave it behind. I don’t think that I’ll ever truly be able to, you know? It’s… it’s always going to stick with us. Whether you were a student inside, a student outside. A teacher, a parent, I don’t think that it matters. It’s always going to be a big part of our lives and for me to stand up here and talk about how I got through it - well, that would be kind of hypocritical, wouldn’t it? Because I haven’t yet. I’m still working. Every single day."

The months after Brian’s overdose, the entire Cabrera-Milkovich family was working hard to get back into their usual routine. It seemed to be working pretty well, too and their lives trudged forwards, day by day.

 

Sure, in the very beginning, Ian and Mickey had both been incredibly worried that their son had managed to get addicted to the stuff, and that they would find him like that again - either hyper and angry or already passed out. But as the minutes ticked by along with the days, Brian proved more and more that he truly had learned something from the experience, and that he wasn’t the kind of guy to go back there.

 

The truth was that in some twisted and fucked up way, maybe they were lucky that he had ended up passing out that day, because otherwise it was possible that he would have kept taking them and actually become an addict - or ended up in the morgue.

 

Fall soon turned into winter, and before they knew it, it was spring again. For once, it felt as if all of their lives were on rails - something not one single member of the family had felt in a long, long time. They all had their routines.

 

Mickey would get up a little bit before Brian and Briana and make sure that they got to school on time - something he quite enjoyed doing while he still could, he didn’t really want to think about what it would be like when they went off to college in a few months. Then Ian would come down a little while later, and he would leave the house at about the same time as the twins - but not before giving his husband a kiss goodbye, of course.

 

Mickey’s job wasn’t going as smoothly as his home-life. In the past few weeks, they had had several clients complaining about his firms designs - probably for no other reason than to make them upset since the truth was that they hadn’t really changed anything in a while, and there was virtually nothing to complain about. Nothing could really shake him at this point, though.

 

He was too happy with his life, too settled into it and too comfortable. But not in a boring way - he was forty one years old, being comfortable and in love with a spouse and kids was honestly something that was really good thing. It was something that he had never had the guts to even dream about as he had grown up.

 

Mickey wasn’t stupid enough to believe that this was some kind of happy ending, of course - he and Ian were just barely out of their thirties, they weren’t old even though having adult children sometimes made them feel like it. That meant that they would surely have a fuck ton of more and harder trials that they would have to face before their story was over, but right now at this point in their lives? Honestly, things were kind of perfect.

 

  
“Hey, pass me the milk?” Brian spoke absentmindedly, using his right hand to scroll through his phone as he sat by the kitchen counter, stretching his left hand out in the direction in which his sister was sitting.

 

All he got in response was a slight grunt - and after nineteen years of growing up together, he could interpret it as ‘ _Get it yourself, I don’t have time right now_ ’. The jug was merely inches away from her, but her gaze was focused down onto the messy papers on the counter in front of her, her dark eyebrows knitted as she wrote and crossed things out over and over again.

 

When the principle had first brought her into his office a few months ago and said that he wanted her to be valedictorian, she hadn’t really understood why; she had been sure that somebody else would get that part. She was one year older than everyone else in her class - save for Brian, of course - and she was fairly certain that while good, her grades weren’t the absolute best in the class.

 

At her confusion, though, the principle had gone on explaining that the reason she was given this part was because of what she had been through, the tragic event that the entire school had to suffer through last year - his words, not hers. He wanted her to talk about her experience and how lucky she was to be standing up there.

 

In a way, Briana supposed that she understood it. The problem was that she had no fucking idea what to say. She wasn’t a motivational speaker, she wasn’t some kind of hero or martyr. She was just the girl who lost her arm in the school shooting. While some people may perceive it as a good story, she didn’t really know how to sum it all up into a speech of a few minutes.

 

On one hand, she could go into great depth about her experience and what she had went through in those months after the shooting, but that felt kind of personal and she wasn’t all too sure how she felt about that. She could also go with the classic valedictorian shit - the ‘ _This is the beginning of the rest of your life_ ’ stuff, but that felt too impersonal, and it wasn’t what they had asked her to talk about. She was just really fucking struggling to figure out how to hit a good middle-ground.

 

“Thank you” Brian sighed, shooting his sister an annoyed look when Ian was the one who had to hand him the milk. He poured a little bit into his bowl of dry cereal as his stepfather went back to scrolling through his phone, most likely looking through emails or something. “You know…” The younger man started then, the words slightly messed up since he had just put a large spoon of his breakfast into his mouth. “You should really wait until Yev gets here; he’s good with words and stuff”

 

“It’s like two hours until he gets home, I need to have this done. Fuck” Briana sighed, never lifting her eyes off of the cluttered paper in front of her. Her head was completely pounding in confusion and nervousness. How the fuck was the supposed to do all of this? How was she supposed to stand up there on that podium and talk about how she got through what she did when - well, when she wasn’t even sure how she had gotten through it?

 

“But bud, why did you wait until graduation day, huh?” Her dad asked, leaning back against the kitchen counter, hands curled around a cup of hot coffee as he hoped that the black liquid would be able to wake him up just a little bit more. “You’ve known you were going to be the valedictorian for months, right?” His eyebrows were slightly furrowed as he lifted his coffee to his lips, listening to his daughter’s sighing explanation.

 

“No, I didn’t” Briana spoke, pen resting on the paper as she groaned, looking down, fingers tugging at her roots in frustration. “I’ve been trying to get it right for weeks, I don’t…” She trailed off with an even heavier sigh, and her stepfather locked his phone, laying it down onto the kitchen island before walking around it, sitting down next to her and looking at the paper.

 

“Alright, what do you have so far? Show me”

 

Mickey stayed leaning back against the kitchen counter, a small and barely noticeable smile spreading its way across his lips. It had almost been an entire year since he and Ian had gotten married - since they had all officially become the family that they were today. Since then, there had been hundreds upon hundreds of moments where Ian treated the kids as if they were his own - and moments where the kids treated him as if they were truly his father just as much as Mickey was.

 

But no matter how normal it was, it would never cease to make Mickey feel all happy inside. He had gone so many years missing Ian, so many years wondering whether he was truly doing this whole parent thing right, despite the fact that he was always giving it his all to make sure that they were growing up into good people. Now he could finally sit back and relax a little bit - not just because Ian was here, but because Brian and Briana were adults now. Good ones; kind ones. He had surely done something right.

 

Whatever that was.

 

  
***

 

  
“Why do you seem sad now?” Svetlana asked, looking at her wife from across the kitchen island as she poured some coffee into her large cup, the bright morning light shining in through the large windows. If you were absolutely silent and listened for it, you could probably hear the birds singing outside; it was a nice day. Mandy didn’t seem all that thrilled, though.

 

She had her chin leaned into her palm as she lazily stirred her milk-faded coffee, gaze stuck to the little hurricane her spoon created. Her dark-blonde hair was pulled up into a messy bun on top of her head, exposing her beautiful makeup free face.

 

“I’m not sad” Mandy spoke, letting her spoon go with a slight sound as she looked up at her wife, shrugging a little bit. “They’re graduating, you know? It’s just… a lot of time that’s passed since I saw them for the first time. They were so little and now they’re just…”

 

The younger woman trailed off.

 

She usually wasn’t the emotional type - not when it came to time or getting older or events like today. But this time she just couldn’t really bring herself to help it. Brian and Briana had been the center of all of their lives for such a long time, and now they were growing up, graduating and moving off to college. They were both going to be up at Duke, and though it wasn’t quite as far as Pepperdine, they weren’t exactly going to be three minutes away either. It was sad. Like the end of an era or something.

 

Svetlana sighed, putting her coffee down onto the kitchen island before gathering her dark hair up into a long ponytail, leaving her bangs completely out of it as she walked around the island, pushing Mandy’s breakfast away from her, giving herself the space to sit sideways on her lap, her legs hanging over to her wife’s right side as she turned her body a little bit, folding her arms around her neck, their eyes connecting.

 

Mandy sighed softly, immediately accepting Lana on her lap, winding her arms tightly around her waist, feeling her own entire body relax with the simple act. That was the effect that Svetlana had always had on her and probably always would.

 

She calmed her down, made her happy and as twisted and fucked up as it may be, she had probably made her feel that way even before she divorced her brother - though that marriage was something that nobody in the Cabrera-Milkovich family liked to ever acknowledge anymore.

 

“They’re growing up. Like Yevgeny. We won’t have any babies to look after anymore” Svetlana agreed in somewhat of a sigh as she used the pad of her thumbs to draw smooth and sure circles on her wife’s jawline, looking into the blue eyes. Mandy swallowed, her head moving slightly up and down in agreement, grateful that lana understood her so well.

 

A few years ago when Yevgeny had first gone off to college, the twins had still been in high school, so though they had all obviously missed Yev, it didn’t change the daily routine all that much. Now everything was going to change - well, the twins weren’t leaving until this fall, but their aunt’s point was still valid in her opinion.

 

“You’re my baby” Mandy changed her tone after a few minutes of silence, attempting to shake off the slight sadness as she tightened her hold around her wife’s waist, her thoughts immediately traveling to places a lot less child-friendly.

 

Svetlana hummed, dipping her head and pressing their lips together into a soft kiss, both women’s bodies feeling all warm inside, just like they always did when they were together. It sounded cheesy, and Mandy would probably never really get used to that fact - but Lana was truly the love of her life. The way they had met was fucked up, and nobody could deny that.

 

But that fact aside, it had gotten them here. Into this city, into this house, into this life.

 

They were together, with their own very special kind of magic in between them.

 

Mandy tightened her hold a little bit further, and Svetlana soon broke the kiss for a few seconds, just so that she could move around and throw one leg over Mandy’s, straddling her lap instead as they continued kissing, the makeout session growing more heated with every second, their tongues surely sliding over one another’s as Mandy unwrapped her arms from around Svetlana’s body, sliding them down her body down to her bare thighs, tugging her a little bit closer, teasingly running her long nails over the sensitive skin. At that, a soft moan escaped Svetlana’s lips, and Mandy swallowed it, continuing to tease her wife until they were both panting.

 

  
***

 

  
“Are you happy?” Yevgeny’s eyebrows knitted together every so slightly in surprise at his sister’s question. He kept his tattoo covered hands curled around the leather of the steering wheel as he thought seriously about an answer.

 

The sunlit road was open ahead of them, and he had to admit that today he was happier than he had been in a long time - not that he had been sad lately either. It felt really good to be home, actually.

 

When you think about it, Miami and California weren’t all that different in terms of what it looked like. Sun and palmtrees were the main events that made it all similar. But Miami was Yevgeny’s home, and even if he was in fact happy back in California, it would always be impossible for said state to compete with where he grew up. So;

 

“Yeah” He spoke easily after a beat or two, turning to look at his sister for a second. Briana was sitting in the passenger seat of the otherwise empty car, her hand resting in her lap, her dark and straightened hair pouring over her skinny shoulders.

 

Yevgeny could only see her profile, but he could easily tell what facial expression she was carrying - and what it meant. Her lips were slightly parted, dark eyebrows knitted together as she looked straight ahead at the road. It was the same facial expression she had had the day that she had said goodbye to him and he had gone off to college. She was nervous. Scared about what comes next. “What about you, Bri?”

 

At the question, a loud sigh escaped Briana’s nose, and she seemed to snap out of some kind of deep thought, turning to look at her brother. Yevgeny had now turned his gaze back to the road, though, making sure that he stayed in the right lane. The girl was quiet for a moment, and then she hummed lowly, as if she was still very much in deep thought.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good, just… want to say the right thing today, you know?” She admitted. Ian had helped her quite a bit when it came to forming her speech; she had had all of these great ideas scribbled down onto her paper, but it had felt like an incredibly huge task, putting it all together so that it sounded good. She hadn’t quite been sure what to take, what to cross out and all of that.

 

She felt a little bit more put together now, but it was still scary to have to stand up there and - at least to some degree - share her story. It was something that she had never really done before.

 

Back when the shooting had happened, there had been reporters all over he place, wanting a statement, or wanting a comment or even an entire interview, but she hadn’t been strong enough. She hadn’t wanted to. She still didn’t. Though, she had to admit that speaking at her graduation might be a good opportunity for her to share an amount that she felt comfortable with. Rather than having a bunch of personal questions thrust up on her.

 

“You will. You’re gonna do great, sis” Yevgeny promised, and without tearing his eyes away from the road, her lifted his right hand off of the wheel, holding it out into a fist. Briana smiled a little bit, bumping it with her own, immediately feeling some more peace sink into her system.

 

  
***

 

  
About fifteen, twenty minutes before the graduation ceremony was due to start, Briana was outside of the building, doing her best to swallow down her nervousness as she walked back and forth, looking down at the paper in her hand, eyebrows slightly knitted together.

 

The truth was that she wasn’t all that sure why she was nervous to this extent. The speech she had in front of her was good, and even if it wouldn’t have been, she would most likely never see any of these people again, so what did it matter?

 

Maybe the reason why she was nervous, though, was because a year ago, she would have needed somebody to listen to. Somebody who had gone through something difficult; somebody who could give her some hope. And while nobody in that building - as far as she knew - had lost a limb, she didn’t want to fail anyone who might need that now. She didn’t want to accidentally screw up or say the wrong thing, or offend anybody.

 

Briana was a nervous person. She always had been to some extent, and after what happened that day, now she was even more so and probably always would be. Maybe that had to be alright. Maybe she just had to force herself to take three deep breaths and then just go for it. Realize that no matter what happened up there, she would be okay.

 

“Hey, bud” Her dad’s voice made her turn around. He was walking towards her, hand laced together with Ian’s, both of them dressed in nice button-up shirts. Briana smiled at them, waving a little bit as she waited for them both to get close enough that they could talk without yelling. “How are you doing, why aren’t you inside?” He asked then, to which his daughter just shrugged a little bit, the blue fabric of her gown blowing a little bit around her legs. She had her cap in her hand, resting under her written down speech.

 

“I just… needed some air I guess” Briana sighed, her shoulders falling down from the shrug as she looked at her parents. “I’m freaking out a little bit” She admitted, ending the statement with a slightly nervous chuckle, making Ian tilt his head slightly to the side in sympathy.

 

“You’re gonna do amazing, Bri. I know you are” Mickey nodded a few times, agreeing with his husband as he watched his daughter visibly force herself to take three deep breaths, just as he had always told her to.

 

Briana’s long dark hair was hanging beautifully down over the blue thin fabric of her gown, the long-sleeved black cotton dress following along her body all the way down to her ankles, though invisible underneath.

 

Her feet ended in a pair of black high heels that made her just a little bit taller than she was normally, therewith giving her the confidence to roll her shoulders back and - at least fake - self assurance. Her face was ever so slightly dusted with makeup, and at some point she had had some nude lipcolor on, but the more nervous she got, the more she licked and bit and thumbed her lips - habits she had surely picked up from her father - so now it was nowhere to be seen.

 

“And we’re proud of you no matter what - both of you” Mickey promised despite the fact that Brian wasn’t currently around. Briana took one more deep breath, nodding a little bit as she forced her lips into forming a smile. Her stomach was still completely turning in terror, wondering how all of this was going to end up working out, but she had to admit that her parent’s attempts at calming her down actually helped quite a bit.

 

“Thanks, daddy” She spoke softly, stepping forwards and wrapping her arm around Mickey’s body, her cheek resting safely against his shoulder for a moment as she leaned into the hug of the person that she knew would always be there no matter what. Mickey let his hand slip out of his husband’s so that he could hug his daughter properly, pulling away with a soft kiss to the top of her head. Briana swallowed as the hug ended, turning towards Ian. “… Papa”

 

Ian raised his eyebrows in surprise, lips parting ever so slightly at the word. Briana had never once called him ‘ _dad_ ’ or ‘ _papa_ ’ or anything like it in the past. And the truth was that he had never expected her too - or even thought about it really. No matter how close they were now, and how much Ian considered her his daughter, she had been seventeen when they had met.

 

It was more than understandable if she would never really fall into that habit in the same way that she probably would have, had she been three or something. But he had also gone through a lot together with her, been there for her, despite the little amount of time that they had known of each other. So in a way, he supposed that it did make sense. And it sounded kind of nice.

 

Instead of making it into a big deal, though - that would be too much for both of them - Ian just smiled at her, bringing her in for a warm hug as Mickey did nothing but stand on the side, a smile just as large painted onto his face as well, his stomach turning in the best way.

 

Two years ago - fuck, even one year ago - he had never really been able to imagine how much they would all truly grow into a real family over time. They weren’t the Cabrera-Milkovich family with a Gallagher being the odd one out. No, they were just the Cabrera-Milkovich family, and not just because Ian Gallagher was nowadays Ian Milkovich. No, they were all Milkovich’s because of the way that they cared. They way in which they loved each other. The way they would all always take care of each other. No matter what.

 

  
***

 

  
Briana did her best to even her breathing as she smoothed the paper out onto the flat, slightly tilted surface in front of her. Her cap was resting safely on top of her head, the tassel swaying just a little bit in her peripheral vision.

 

The crowd was quiet, waiting for the speech to start. She looked down at the letters, and suddenly everything was just kind of floating together into a whole mess. Her hand was laying flat against the wooden surface, her square nails perfectly painted with a black color. She knew that everyone was watching her, wondering why it took her so long to start. But it didn’t send her into a panic as she would have thought. Instead, she felt kind of at peace. Calm, somehow.

 

She slid her hand a little bit further up the page, curling her hand into a fist and bringing the while sheet of notebook paper with it, crumpling it up, the sound making its way out through the microphone and out into the crowd, just a little bit.

 

On that page there were paragraphs about how what she had gone through had been so difficult, and how if everybody just fought, they could make it through whatever they were going through right now. Although all of it was true, and surely at least some of it was what she truly wanted to say. But she didn’t want to say it like this. It didn’t feel genuine, having it written out in front of her, even if she was the one who had written it.

 

Briana took a deep breath, her fist staying curled around the paper as she looked up over the crowd and started talking;

 

“I was asked to talk today” She begun, her voice surprisingly steady. “Most of you know why, and who I am. What happened to me” Briana continued, and soon, the true, raw and real words just started pouring out of her mouth.

 

“What happened to me - what happened to all of us that day - it was terrible, and it’s taken me a long time to even begin to leave it behind. I don’t think that I’ll ever truly be able to, you know? It’s… it’s always going to stick with us. Whether you were a student inside, a student outside. A teacher, a parent, I don’t think that it matters. It’s always going to be a big part of our lives and for me to stand up here and talk about how I got through it - well, that would be kind of hypocritical, wouldn’t it? Because I haven’t yet. I’m still working. Every single day.

 

I guess I’m kind of lucky, you know? In a way. Because I have an endless amount of people who support me and help me no matter what. My brothers. My aunts. Especially my dad and my papa. Without you guys, I wouldn’t be standing up here today.

 

I guess my point is that… other weren’t so lucky. Others aren’t so lucky. If anyone in here is going through a difficult time right now, there’s nothing I can really say that is going to make it better. But where I’m going with all of this is…” Briana paused for a second, her hand tightening and loosening around the paper ball a few times before she swallowed thickly, and then continued. “This is kind of the end of something, right? The end of high school, the end of a big part in all of our lives. Maybe you’re going to college, maybe you’re taking a gap year before you do, or maybe you’re not going at all.

 

But either way, none of us are ever going to get anywhere if we don’t support each other. And that’s what we need to learn. We need to somehow learn to accept each other. No matter our race, or sexuality, or gender identity or physical flaws - we all need to somehow learn how to stay humble and bring people up instead of pushing them down and attempting to step on top of them.

 

You’re never going to know exactly where you’re going in life, or who you’re going to meet along the way. But if you have faith in yourself and you don’t think less of other people, I think you’re going to be alright. We all will. So even though it can be difficult sometimes, let’s all try to walk out of here today with our heads held high. We made it this far - we have nothing to be ashamed of”

 

  
***

 

Brian sat on the side of the podium, smiling at his sister as he hung onto every single word that came out of her mouth. It wasn’t at all what he had spotted on the sheet of paper she had been carrying around all day, and it wasn’t really your normal valedictorian speech, but something told him that it was what everybody needed to hear right now.

 

Like she had said - that day stuck with all of them, no matter who they were. And whether it was a conscious decision or not, the girl who got her arm shot off had kind of become the face of it all. The person that everybody kind of looked to, thought about whenever they thought about that day. Surely they thought about Cooper too, but Briana was the one who was alive. The one who could talk about it.

 

Every single word out of her mouth was perfect, and her twin brother found himself wondering what the fuck she had been so nervous about; in his opinion she was doing nothing short of amazing. Every single person in the crowd seemed somewhat entranced, too. All of them soaking up every single word that Briana spoke, her voice only shaking just a little bit every now and then, sounding thick on some words.

 

Brian felt his own throat grow a little bit tighter the further in she got - he wasn’t crying, but he certainly felt his gut turn a little bit at the speech. It meant a lot - what she said and that she said it. Not just to the twins, but to all of the people listening. And Brian could honestly say that he had never been more proud of anybody in his entire life.

 

  
***

 

  
Mickey’s throat felt thick as he hung onto every single word of his daughter’s speech, the very corners of his eyes starting to well up with tears, just a little bit. It was perfect. He didn’t have any idea what she had been so nervous about to begin with. Mickey could tell that every single syllable was straight from her heart into the microphone, not played with and not perfected - the words out of her mouth were nothing but the raw and bare truth. It was amazing.

  
  
Mickey’s hand was safely interlaced with his husband’s as they listened, the comforting weight reminding Mickey to breathe. His insides felt like cotton or something; he was so happy. Their life was so fucking perfect together at this point. Better than he ever could have imagined. And as he watched his daughter up on that stage - watched what a beautiful person she had developed into, both inside and outside, he realized something. He didn’t feel completely finished with that part of his life just yet.

 

Mickey swallowed, turning to look at Ian, his heart swelling more with every single second that passed.

 

“Do you want to have another baby?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE ONLY HAVE THE EPILOGUE LEFT WHAT THE FUCK. I DON'T THINK YOU GUYS EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW SAD I AM. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I MEAN I DO FEEL LIKE THIS STORY IS TRULY COMING TO AN END AND THERE'S NOTHING MUCH MORE TO SAY, BUT I'M JUST OH MY GOD. I NEED TO TURN MY CAPS LOCK OFF. 
> 
> I hope that you guys all liked this chapter! Comments and kudos are always very appreciated. I hope that you all have an amazing day! <3


	50. Always (Epilogue)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Give your heart... to me. And life will always be... La vie en rose"

**One year later  
**

 

  
“Ow, what the fuck?” Ian cursed, immediately being torn out of his sleep by the back of his husband’s hand slamming into his chest. His eyes slowly blinked open, soon registering the sound of the screaming baby, making a deep sigh escape his lips. Mickey laid on his back, a few inches separating them, his hand still resting on Ian’s chest as the slightly older man kept his eyes closed, doing his best to block out as much of the sound as he possibly could.

 

“Your fucking turn, man” Mickey’s groggy, sleep induced voice poured throughout the dark bedroom, reaching Ian’s ears. As much as he loved the new addition to their family, he had forgotten how much fucking work there was with a newborn in the house. Their son was only about to be three weeks old, and already both of his dads felt as if they were in a constant coma, getting no more than three to four hours of sleep each night. They shared the work, of course, but since Ian was the one who stayed home with him during the days right now - Mickey planned to take some time off soon - it had mostly fallen onto Mickey to take him at night. Right now he was exhausted, though; even more than usual, so if his husband didn’t take him, he was sending him straight to hell.

 

Another deep, tired sigh escaped Ian’s nose as the screaming continued, and he eased himself up a little bit; inching over to Mickey so that he could press a sweet kiss to his parted lips before forcing his own body to stand up. By the time his sweatpants had joined Mickey’s t shirt in covering Ian’s body, soft and even breaths were already escaping Mickey’s mouth again - Ian frowned in jealousy, hoping that his son wouldn’t be all too fuzzy tonight.

 

He lifted his right hand up to his face, running a flat palm over his features, hoping that he would be able to wipe some of the sleep out of his system as he softly walked out of his and Mickey’s shared bedroom, making sure to open and close the door quietly so that he wouldn’t end up waking him back up. Then he took the few steps around the curved stair-railing, past Briana’s room and then past Yevgeny’s, making it to the door to the room that had once been occupied by old bikes and bags of shoes that the older children had grown out of.

 

Now all of that was long gone out of the little room, though; instead the walls were painted with a medium - almost dark - blue color, just about venturing out into the purple family. Against the wall there was a beautiful crib made out of dark wood, the color matching the hardwood flooring perfectly. From the ceiling above, Mickey had put up one of those baby mobile things - and of course Mandy had insisted that there would be pictures on the different compartments. So they were all there - Ian, Mickey, Brian, Briana, Yevgeny, Mandy and Svetlana. The baby went to sleep every night, looking at all of them. It was actually quite perfect; especially since the three older kids were almost never home these days.

 

A large window was put in through the shorter wall straight across from the doorway, but since it was the middle of the night, it didn’t give Ian much light other than some dim from the moon. He placed his hand onto the button next to the white painted doorframe, turning it a little bit so that he could see what he was doing; although of course he made sure that he didn’t turn it up all the way - they had all quite quickly noticed that their new addition wasn’t too much of a fan of bright lights. He was a lot like his older sister in that way.

 

Ian took the few steps further into the room, bending over the crib and gently sliding his hands in under his son’s tiny little body, lifting him up as he continued screaming.

 

“Oh come here, Nino” He spoke softly, holding him close to his body, his little chest pressed against his papa’s as Ian bobbed him gently up and down, doing his best to get him to calm down a little bit. “Why are we so fuzzy, huh?” Ian whispered his question, knowing that the sound of his whisper always helped calm his son down a little bit. “What do you have to be so grumpy about?” The side of Nino’s face was pressed against his papa’s collarbone, Ian’s cheek resting softly on top of his soft little head as he continued the slight movement of bobbing him up and down, soon hearing the level of screaming start to decrease just a little bit. The small, few strands of red hair on top of the baby’s head tickled Ian’s neck just a little bit, and he closed his eyes for a moment as his son went from screaming to just the occasional sniffle.

 

Ian swallowed, just letting himself enjoy this for a moment. Holding his son. The slight, comforting weight in his arms. Even after three whole weeks, he still hadn’t quite grasped the fact that he was finally here. It was something that he had never quite thought that he would ever have. Ian didn’t love Nino any more than he loved the other children in their family, of course he didn’t. Biological or not, the twins and Yevgeny were all his kids - in fact, by now Yevgeny was the only one who called Ian ‘Ian’ instead of ‘papa’ - which made sense, of course. He had been old enough to drink by the time Ian had walked back into Mickey’s life. It didn’t bother Ian the slightest bit, because he still knew how much his oldest son valued him; he didn’t have to call Ian ‘dad’ or ‘papa’ for him to be it. But having a baby - having a baby with his eyes, his hair - it was different. It wasn’t better, and it wasn’t worse - just different. And it felt really good to finally have that as well.

 

Ian swallowed again, continuing to move his son gently up and down, the crying eventually stopping completely, and the only thing left to reach Ian’s ears was the slight, wet sounding, just barely audible sound of Nino parting his lips over and over again. Almost as if he was tasting his own tongue. Ian had dealt with a lot of babies in his life, and he had never quite understood why they did that; it was cute, though. Maybe one of the cutest things that he had ever seen.

 

A soft sigh escaped Ian’s nose as he stayed standing and facing the crib, holding his son softly against his clothed chest, feeling that Nino’s black onesie was just a little bit warmer than it should be, just like the rest of his body. Most likely from all of the stress he had gone through with that screaming. Ian continued moving his son up and down, knowing that the movement was what calmed him down.

 

“Hey” The older man turned around at the gentle voice, a soft but tired smile stretching its way across his lips as he saw his daughter standing in the doorway, her long brown hair pouring over her lonely right shoulder. One of Yevgeny’s large, old band-tees were hanging over her tiny body, covering her pajama shorts, her bare legs ending in a pair of black knitted boots. Some quite heavy under-eye circles were all but tattooed on her face, but she blamed nothing but college for those. The first year had been quite brutal.

 

“Hey, honey. I didn’t know you were home yet” Ian spoke, making sure to keep his voice low so that his son wouldn’t start screaming again. Briana brought her hand up to the top of her head, threading her fingers through the damaged strands as she nodded a little bit.

 

“We came in pretty late; figured we shouldn’t wake anybody” She explained, taking a few steps inside of the nursery. “But I think my little brother took care of that. He’s so loud” A small sound between a sigh and an agreeing chuckle whooshed out through Ian’s nose as he looked down at the half-asleep baby in his embrace. He could probably put him down now and go back to bed, but from experience, he knew that if he did that, Nino would start screaming in half an hour again. His little hand was curled around the collar of his papa’s t shirt, holding on tight in a way that made Ian’s heart completely melt.

 

“I think he’s hungry” He stated with a tired sigh. “I’m gonna go down and get the bottle, you want to hold him?” Ian looked back up, and his daughter nodded; a smile taking over her lips as she reached her arm out for her little brother. Ian stepped close, pressing Nino tightly against her chest to make sure that Briana had her one arm safely wrapped around his little body before he let go. The baby easily let go of his papa, leaning into his big sister instead, the little eyelids still covering the blue eyes, the thick eyebrows knitted together, making him look quite a bit like his other dad.

 

Once Ian was free of holding his son, he pressed a soft kiss to his daughter’s temple; then he exited the room and headed down the stairs to get Nino’s bottle.

 

A soft sigh escaped Briana’s lips as she bobbed her brother up and down a little bit in embrace, her cheek gently rested against the top of his head as she felt his little hand grab onto the collar of the t shirt that was hanging off of her frame; that was something he did a lot, they had all noticed. Whenever somebody held him, he would grab onto their clothing. Though he had only been alive for a little bit over three weeks, she thought that it was pretty amazing that you could already see things like that. Things that made him who he was, no matter how small or seemingly meaningless. They stayed like that for a minute or two, and then Briana started making her way across the room, taking small and soft steps until she could sit down in the large, dark blue, soft chair in the corner. She sank down into it slowly, making sure that her little brother would follow with her movements without breaking - she couldn’t exactly both support his head and hold his body at the same time, so what she usually did when he held him was make sure that his face was rested against her neck or chest. That way he was somewhat safe and secure anyway.

 

It was kind of strange; Brian and Briana had only been back at Duke for all of two weeks, yet she felt as if Nino had grown so much since the last time she saw him. Maybe he even had; she had heard that babies literally grew like weeds. A comfortable sigh escaped her nose as she allowed her entire body to relax, her head falling backwards just a little bit; she felt better than ever right now. Back home in Miami, back in this chair with her little brother in her arm. College was actually proving to be quite good, she liked it. Having her twin brother there just made it all the better, because though they didn’t have the same major at all, they had some of their basic classes together, so she never really felt alone anymore. At least not as she had when they had first gotten there. Brian had been busy with the whole basketball thing, and Briana hadn’t really known what to do with herself. Thankfully, her brother was smart enough to understand that, though. See how she felt, so by now he made sure that he was with her as much as he could.

 

Nino’s soft, tiny breaths fanned Briana’s collarbone, his little fist still holding onto the collar of her shirt. She stopped thinking for a moment; just to focus on the baby in her hold. It was amazing, to her. That her dads had decided to have another child - she had never expected it. And truthfully, she could still remember how she had felt when they had sat her and her brothers down to tell them about their decision. A year later, she still couldn’t probably describe it, it had been so strange, such a shock. But in a good way - of course in a good way. She had never been anything but ecstatic to have another sibling, and from what she had been able to tell, Brian and Yevgeny had felt the same way.

 

Briana had loved this baby ever since she had found out he was coming, and the feeling only grew stronger with every single day. The need to protect her baby brother and make sure that he had everything he needed. Her dad and her papa were amazing parents - she knew that first hand - but she still had this urge to hold him, feed him and make sure he was never hurt. Maybe it was because of the massive age difference that she felt more like a mini-mother than a sister - that would probably go away as he became a few years older - but for now, she was fine with that. Maybe it was because everything that she had gone through herself, that was probably the likely reason why she felt extra protective of this new, tiny little addition to their family.

 

Briana lifted her head as Ian walked back into the room, taking soft steps to try to make sure that Nino wouldn’t wake back up just yet. A gentle, soft smile was still placed onto his face and Briana pushed her body up a little bit, out of the chair, meeting her papa half way.

 

“You want to feed him or should I?” Ian asked, eyes on the tiny baby pressed against Briana’s chest.

 

“I should probably go back to bed” She explained, feeling the sleep trudge throughout her veins, her head starting to ache a little bit with the lack of it - in between studying and traveling back here, she hadn’t had very much time to get a good nights sleep in the past few weeks. Ian nodded, placing the lukewarm baby bottle onto the dresser next to himself before reaching for his son; Briana carefully handing him over, letting her now tired arm drop to her side.

 

“See you in the morning?” Ian asked as Nino’s head landed gently against his collarbone, his fast asleep, tiny little body leaning into his father’s. Briana nodded in agreement, her eyes staying on her little brother for another few beats, just watching. He was truly one of the most beautiful babies that she had ever seen before. He would be a beautiful man someday. “I love you”

 

“I love you too, pap” Briana said back, getting up onto her toes and pressing a kiss to his cheek before making her way out of the room again, heading back to her own bedroom. Ian swallowed, carefully letting go of his son with one hand so that he could reach for the baby bottle with it; then he walked over to the large blue chair, sinking down into it and adjusting Nino so that he was laying on his back instead, the back of his head resting against the fold in Ian’s arm as he used his left hand to lift the bottle, placing it gently against his son’s tiny lips. It took a second or two, but finally Nino started to wake up just enough to start sucking a little bit, the shallow creases in his forehead quickly straightening out and making him look more pleased with his life than ever before.

 

Ian forced himself to take a deep breath as he looked down at the beautiful baby boy in his arms, his heart absolutely bursting - soaring - with love for this little creature. His entire body aching at how his life had ended up turning out. In a good way. The best way.

 

  
***

 

  
Briana’s eyes were focused into the thick, pink milkshake as she lazily stirred the substance around in the cold glass, using her straw. One of her father’s grey hoodies were pulled over her little body, the hood covering the top of her head, her dark brown hair pouring out over her right shoulder as she yawned a little bit, attempting to get rid of some of the sleep trudging throughout her veins still. The 50’s music poured out of the jukebox to fit the theme of the diner, even at five am. Her legs were covered by a pair of skinny blue jeans, tapering off into a pair of Brian’s combat-boots, resting flatly on the checkered floor.

 

She looked up, letting her eyes sweep around the diner; the walls painted in that baby pink color, the turquoise barstools over there by the counter. The jukebox that Brian always insisted on using whenever they entered. Despite the sleepy haze clouding her brain, she was glad that they were back here. A few years back, this had been one of the places where she spent the most of her time - she and most of her family, actually. She loved it all. The food, the style of the place, the music and all of the sweet people who worked here. It wasn’t all that far from the house, but for some reason she hadn’t been in almost an entire year. As she had grown up, her life had become more about surviving and less about enjoying the simple things like grabbing a milkshake at her favorite diner. It was sad, because this place truly made her feel happy.

 

Briana made a mental note to come here more often as she let her gaze travel back to the table, settling on her dad, seated across the table in the little booth, not dressed all that differently from herself. He was looking down into his milkshake as well, probably just as tired as his kids - or even worse, since the youngest one probably kept him up even more than Briana realized. Brian was seated next to her in the booth, chin rested into his hand as he stirred the chocolate milkshake in the tall glass ahead of him. Nobody in the party of three said anything, really; they were too tired. Although getting up at five am just to have breakfast - or dinner food at a time of day when they should be having breakfast - right when this place opened was somewhat of a tradition between just the three of them, it was rare that they were very talk-active. Even less now when the twins were up all hours of the night with schoolwork, and Mickey was up all hours of the night with a newborn.

 

The light outside was just barely starting to surpass the blue tint stage and become daylight; through the small opening in the window next to Briana’s head, she could hear the happy birds singing, and it made her feel as if she was finally home again. She liked Duke as a school, but this city would always be what she loved the most - not to mention this diner and this tradition.

 

“The Milkovich family” All three of them looked up at the woman standing at the edge of their table, notepad in her hand and smile on her face. Her dark hair was curled, her body covered an old waitress dress in the same color as she barstools a bit away; some things never seemed to change. She seemed to have aged a little bit since the last time they had all been here, the smile lines around her mouth just a little bit more prominent. “As I live and breathe” She laughed a little bit, the scent of nicotine reaching Briana’s nose with her breath.

 

“Hey, Maxine” Brian said, looking up at the woman, his sister and dad doing the same.

 

“What can I get you - oh honey, you don’t look so good” Maxine cut herself off, frowning a little bit as she looked down at the oldest man, spotting the large and dark underage circles taking over his face, his skin just a little more pale than she had last seen it. “Job not treating you well?”

 

“I supposed someone should have reminded me how much work a baby was before I went and agreed to have another one” Mickey spoke with a joking chuckle; of course he would never regret having Nino - he loved him more than life itself, just like he loved all of his children. But he was telling the truth when he said that it was even more work than he remembered. Then again, he wouldn’t give it up for anything. He wouldn’t give anything in his life up right now. It was quite perfect.

 

“What? Another baby? You have a ring on your finger, what did I miss?” The waitress asked shocked, and Briana’s stomach made a sound, begging her for food, so she took matters into her own hands.

 

“He met his high school sweetheart again after twenty years, they got back together, got married and now we have a new baby brother - can we order our food?” She spoke, her dark eyebrows raised in question. Maybe it was a little bit rude, but the truth was that though they didn’t see Maxine very often at all, they still knew her very well, and she knew them; that meant that it wasn’t all that big of a deal to hurry things along. Besides, Briana’s hunger was actually becoming a painful thing at this point.

 

“Alright, alright early birds” The waitress nodded with a kind smile on her face as she looked back down at the little notepad in her hands. “What can I get you?”

 

“A chili burger on wheat bread with waffle fries - and another milkshake” Briana was quick to order, her dad smiling a little bit in amusement, although trying to hide it. How the fuck Briana managed to keep her body so tiny while eating like this would probably forever remain a mystery. Then again, it wasn’t very often that she did. This diner was something entirely special; it was home somehow. It felt kind of wrong not eating a ton of the good food on the rare times that the family actually had the time to come here these days - hopefully they would all start going a little bit more often now that they had remembered it existed after all of the chaos they had suffered through in the past couple of years.

 

Brian and Mickey ordered their food as well, and then Maxine walked away to get it all started. A soft sigh escaped Briana’s nose as she leaned her chin into her hand, managing to mimic her brother’s position without thinking about it at all as she lazily stirred the small amount of milkshake that was still left in the tall glass in front of her.

 

“How are things going back in Carolina?” Mickey asked, striking up a conversation as he moved the large straw around in his own glass; he was fully aware of what a stereotypical dad he sounded like, but he didn’t really care all that much. First and foremost these days, he was a father and he was a husband. Even though he had been both of those things for several years now, it still felt really good to have such a stable life. It wasn’t boring at all, and he never longed for anything more. He had just what and who he needed in his life. Nothing more, and nothing less.

 

“It’s good” Briana nodded a little bit to herself before taking a sip of the thick, sweet substance in the tall glass in front of her. “Even more work than I thought it was going to be; I barely have any time to sleep” She unwrapped her left hand from around the glass, wiping a flat palm over her makeup free face, almost wincing at the cold feeling.

 

“Yeah” Brian did nothing but agree with his twin sister, since he was seemingly the one who was the most exhausted out of the three. His gaze shifted back down to the half-empty milkshake glass, and his dad looked at him - at both of them.

 

Mickey was fully aware of the fact that three of his four children were adults by now. They weren’t starting to become adults, they weren’t almost adults, and they weren’t in their late teens anymore - they were adults and there was no two ways around that fact. So while he worried about how they were going to end up coping in life - who they were going to meet and who they were going to become, he had just started to get used to the idea of letting go, despite how over-protective he had been of them their entire lives. However, it didn’t matter if they were three, thirteen or twenty three - Mickey’s children would always be his babies.

 

  
***

  
“Yev, I’m kind of nervous” She admitted as they walked up towards the front door of the large house, the dreary and calm morning light surrounding them. A white, knitted sweater was hanging off of her shoulders, protecting her from the few, rare raindrops that were left in the air after last night’s storm. Her light brown hair was a little bit wavy, just let free after hours of being in a long braid. Her usual pair of ripped, black skinny jeans were all but painted onto her legs, tapering off into a pair of her fiancé’s old black chucks, the laces just about brown with dirt after all of the years they had been through.

 

“Why? You’ve met them all” Yevgeny reminded her, that kind smile on his face, lifting the large black suitcase up onto the front porch before straightening up, turning towards her; assuring her without words that he was listening. A thin - and way too large, really - black henley was hanging off of his skinny shoulders.   
Despite the fact that he still didn’t have all that much muscle on his body, in the past year he had managed to gain just a little bit of weight.

 

Somewhere around the time when he and Charlie had broken up, he had gotten a little bit sick - without realizing it - and he had lost way too much. Something he hadn’t really noticed until he became happier and started eating, thereby gaining it back. He wasn’t anywhere near healthy yet, but he was getting there. The truth was that right now was probably as happy as he had ever been with his life. His thin legs were covered by a pair of white skinny jeans - so ripped that you could probably see more of his tattoo covered legs than the actual jeans, but still - and the light denim ended in a pair of black combat boots that he had surely stolen from his little brother at some point. Brian was the one who actually paid for combat boots, Yevgeny and Briana loved wearing them, but they usually just ended up swiping them from him.

 

“Over skype” Yevgeny’s fiancée nodded in agreement, sighing afterwards. “It’s not the same thing” Yevgeny kept that same kind, comforting smile on his lips as he tilted his head a little bit to the side, the wind moving around some of the long, damaged strands of bleach blonde hair on top of his head.

 

“Babe, they are going to love you, alright? They already do” The girl swallowed, attempting to calm herself down. “I already do” Yevgeny added then, his smile growing to show his teeth before he used them to capture his bottom lip, raising his eyebrows as he took a step or two closer, his fiancée unable to stop her own smile as he wrapper his arm around her waist.

 

“Yeah?” Yevgeny hummed into the kiss, lovingly capturing her perfect lips in between his own, both pairs of eyes falling closed as the rain picked up its pace just a little bit, the drops starting to soak the couple.

 

  
***

 

  
_A deep breath escaped Yevgeny’s lips as he tried his best to will his heart to slow down a little bit. It was completely banging against his ribcage, but he wasn’t sure if it was in physical exhaustion or if it was because he was just nervous for what may or may not happen when he was discovered out here. What felt like the entire world’s water supply was currently being poured out over California, soaking everyone and everything, even in the morning light. Yevgeny’s entire body was drenched, his blonde hair hanging down over his face in what almost looked like dreadlocks._

 

_A large black hoodie hung over his body, one that had probably belonged to his father once upon a time. His black basketball shorts were fastened around his hips, reaching down to his knees, leaving the lower part of his legs bare and freezing, much like his feet, though they were stuffed into a thin pair of old chucks they felt numbed by the rain and the wind; the cold. The entire street outside of the apartment building was completely quiet this early in the day, so all he could do was wait._

 

_Yevgeny’s hands were stuffed deep down into the soaked pockets of his hoodie, and thanks to the rain, his fingers were currently feeling just about as numb as his toes. The thunder was rolling somewhere in the distance, the rain picking up just a little bit more. By now it was so bad that he couldn’t see much of what was going on around him. It was all grey with the pouring rain. His lips were slightly parted, and though he had since long stopped running, his heart was still thrumming against the inside of his ribcage, throwing itself against the bones over and over again._

 

_Finally, there she was. She came running along the sidewalk, her tiny body completely soaked with the rain, not unlike her ex boyfriend. No matter the weather, she was always out running early in the morning. Yevgeny knew she would be now. Her brown hair had probably been tied back into a high ponytail at some point, but now the hairtie hair slipped down to the back of her neck, the thick, soaked strands hanging over her left shoulder as she seemed to be breathing heavily, turning up towards her apartment building, starting to slow down her pace just a little bit._

 

_A few meters away, she lifted her head, her entire body immediately freezing up at the sight of him. Almost as if she was seeing a ghost or something, which honestly might not be all that far off from how she was feeling._

 

_Yevgeny’s lips stayed parted, looking back at her as he let his tongue swipe across the bottom one; a nervous habit more than anything else. The rain continued pounding down onto their shoulders and in between them, making their views of each other grey and hazey at best - but they knew. They knew who it was standing in front of them. It took them both a minute to gather themselves. It had been a long time now - since they had seen each other._

 

_“Yev, what are you doing here?” Charlie asked with a thick swallow, punching her lips together into a thin line as she wrapped her arms around herself, taking a few steps forwards, just so that they would be able to converse without the loud sound of the rain disturbing them all too much. Yevgeny swallowed, looking into the beautiful hazel eyes, feeling his heart burst with love. Or maybe pain; guilt. Probably all of it at the same time, somehow._

 

_“I love you” It was either the best way in or the clumsiest; either way it was the truth and nothing but the truth. Yevgeny didn’t have any other cards to play right now. It had been a long time since they had seen each other, and while he had been doing fine for a while, he knew that it didn’t matter without her. It never would. Charlie did nothing but sigh deeply as she pulled her arms ever tighter around herself, tilting her head slightly to the side as the sound of the rain pouring down over the state continued to fill their ears, the sun nowhere at all to be seen._

 

  
_“We haven’t seen each other in six months, Yevgeny. Why now?” Yevgeny swallowed. Oh, how he wished he had an answer to that. He didn’t. He didn’t know how or why he had waited this long. He didn’t know why he had been so confused at first - or why he had been so seemingly stubborn to make everything difficult for himself. It wasn't difficult, none of this was. Yevgeny loved Charlie. And hopefully, someday - if he was patient - Charlie could love him again too. That’s as far as any of this should ever have gone. Yevgeny shouldn’t have run away to Miami and hid, hoping that he would end up figuring it all out there. That wasn’t where his life was - his life was here._

 

_“I don’t know” He shrugged a little bit, Charlie raising her eyebrows at the simple answer. If Yevgeny was going to do this - if he was somehow going to convince this beautiful, amazing person to even try to forgive him for everything that he had put her through, then he would have to tell the truth. He couldn’t be babbling until kingdom come, trying to say something that sounded like an answer when the fact of the matter was that he didn’t have one. “I was um… I was on a run, and somehow I ended up…” He looked around for a bit, shrugging again. “Here” His gaze landed back on the hazel eyes._

 

_“You know, this…” Charlie spoke, unwrapping her arms from around herself and placing her palms straight up by her sides, clearly referring to the rain that was still pouring from the grey sky above. “It’s just rain. It’s not gonna wash it all away, alright? The pain, or the hurt. The betrayal - or any of the other shit you put me through” Yevgeny swallowed thickly; he wasn’t sure if the drops on her face were water or rain and he chose not the dwell on it. He didn’t want to know, he was afraid that it would fill him up with the kind of guilt that he wouldn’t really be able to handle._

 

_“I’m an asshole” Yevgeny nodded as Charlie took one more step forwards, lifting some of the soaked brown strands from her own face before wrapping her arms back around her body, for some reason listening to her ex boyfriend’s coming apology. “Alright, Li? But I have spent the past six months without you, and every single moment of every single day, a piece of me has been missing. You know I’m telling the truth about this, Charlie, you do. I wouldn’t lie to you - not about something like this” Charlie stayed quiet, hanging onto every single word, her eyebrows knitted together into a wondering frown as the sad, soaked and desperate boy in front of her continued his rambling. “Every single day that I spend without you is worse than the last one, and I don’t want to do it anymore. I want you, alright? I know what I did… and if I thought it would help, I would apologize a thousand times over, but I know that you would never go for that. So… just… let me say that I know how much I hurt you, and if you think I would do it again, you are out of your mind. Because I love you. More than anything. So just… Li, just meet me halfway?”_

 

_“Why should I?”_

 

_“Because I haven’t stopped thinking about you. Because you haven’t stopped thinking about me. Because I’m sorry. Because I love you” Charlie swallowed at the statements, fully aware that not a single one was a lie. It was the truth, all of it - which made this all so much more difficult to figure out._

 

_“Is that it?” Yevgeny swallowed, a thick, soaked strand of blonde hair shielding his vision ever so slightly as he did his best to come up with an answer that wouldn’t make the girl run the other way. He could say no, and he could keep gushing. Or he could say yes, and assure her that she could keep thinking about it. But in the end, Yevgeny knew that thinking about what he was saying wasn’t the best way to go here. What he needed to do was speak straight from his heart without letting it pass through his head._

 

_“You know, my pride says yeah. Yeah, you know, that’s it” Yevgeny nodded a little bit to himself, feeling the rain start to pour down onto them with even more force, the sound of the thunder growing even louder by the second; closer. “Just walk away so that you can keep your head up. But my heart says that I should just fucking forget about my pride for once, you know? Because Charlie, if it means even the slightest chance of having you back in my arms, my pride is a small fucking price to pay - anything is”_

 

_After that, both of them were quiet for a moment, Charlie keeping her arms tightly wound around her body as she swallowed, looking up into the beautiful, desperate eyes that she had once been so in love with - the eyes she was still very much in love with, if she was being honest with herself. Yevgeny swallowed at the silence._

 

_“My heart is also telling me that you look so fucking beautiful standing out here in this storm, and I’m thinking that if you won’t let me kiss you, I might die” Yevgeny’s voice was just a little bit more gentle by now, a little bit more shaky and insecure. Worried that after all of that, she might not end up forgiving him after all._

 

_Charlie’s chest moved up and down once in a big, deep breath before she let go of herself, her hands falling to her sides as she looked up at the sincere, breakable boy in front of her. A smile just barely starting to appear on her lips as she took the two remaining steps forwards needed for their soaked, clothed chests to touch. She wrapped the thin hoodie strings around her hands, pulling him a little bit closer to her._

 

_“I guess if you have to…” Yevgeny grinned, wasting no time before he dipped his head down, capturing her lips in between his own in a soft, perfect kiss. Every single inch of him sighing happily at the feeling of finally being home again._

 

  
***

 

  
“Oh, I’m sorry” Briana came to a dead-stop in the doorway of the house, eyes focused on her older brother kissing his apparent fiancée. Yevgeny shook his head just a little bit, assuring her that it was alright as he let go of Charlie in favor of giving his sister a hug in greeting. Briana let go of the trash bag that had been dangling off of a few of her fingers, and she returned it, happy that her brother was finally home again.

 

  
***

 

  
“How much crap did you buy?” Mickey asked, furrowing his dark eyebrows, watching his sister pour out the groceries onto the kitchen island as he bobbed his son up and down on his hip, helping the milk settle in his stomach just a little bit more, his tiny little hand pulling at the loose fabric of his father’s grey V neck. The strands of red hair were slightly messed up on top of his head, making him look like a tiny version of something that should be living under a bridge. It also made him look like Ian, while the eyebrows and thick baby lips made him look like Mickey. He tugged a little bit harder at the fabric of his shirt, and Mickey lifted him up a little bit closer to his chest as he took a few steps away from the kitchen counter and towards the kitchen island, looking at all of the food.

 

“All of the kids are home at the same time” Mandy shrugged. “That hasn’t happened in so long - plus, Yevgeny is bringing Charlie” Mickey nodded a little bit at her logic; it was true. If they ever wanted an excuse to have a lot of food, now would be it. Though he was pretty sure that both he and the twins were full for the next year after that breakfast. He continued moving his arm slightly up and down, hoping that Nino wouldn’t feel the need to start screaming any time soon; he could definitely do without that today.

 

Svetlana started picking out the things that they needed right now, while Mandy put all of the other food away; then she turned to her brother with a smile on her face, her gaze focused on the little boy on his arm.

 

“Let me hold him?” She spoke in somewhat of a baby voice, reaching her arms out towards him, her long blonde hair pouring over one of her shoulders. Nino’s little eyes had been closed, but he opened them at her voice, blinking lazily, making her heart burst at how cute he was. When she had first heard that Mickey and Ian wanted to have another child, the truth was that her first thought had been that it would never happen. That Mickey would chicken out, or that Ian would shake his head and assure Mickey that he didn’t need a biological child to be happy in their life together. But here they were a year later, one of the most beautiful babies in the history of the world as an addition to their family.

 

“He just ate, Mands. I don’t - “

 

“My vagina’s all messed up from pushing him out, the least you can do is let me hold him” She immediately cut her brother off, tilting her head slightly to the side and raising her brows. Mickey hesitated for another second before he finally sighed, nodding as he handed the baby over into his sister’s waiting arms. Mandy’s grin returned to her face as she mumbled something in a baby voice - Mickey didn’t care enough to bother deciphering the words. A few seconds after he had handed his son over to his aunt - yes, that was the title they had all decided to go with, no matter what she was biologically, it was just less complicated that way. Nino was Ian and Mickey’s son, not Mandy’s. - two strong arms were wrapped around Mickey from behind. Mickey swallowed happily, easily leaning into his husband’s hold, his stomach fluttering just as much now as it had back when they were teenagers. Even something as simple as a hug put every single one of his nerve endings on fire.

 

Maybe a tiny part of Mickey had thought that that would fade someday. That while he would always love Ian with all of his heart, his body would just get used to it. So far that theory had proven to be very wrong, and Mickey doubted that the electricity in between him and Ian would ever fade. They were epic; and they were meant to be. There was just no other possibility. Svetlana continued handling the food, and Mandy kept herself buy by playing with her baby nephew; Brian sat by the kitchen table at the other end of the room, chin rested into his hand, eyebrows knitted as he scrolled down his computer screen. Ian and Mickey stayed in the corner of the kitchen, observing their family, Ian’s hold tightening just a little bit around his husband’s waist right as he tilted his neck forwards a little bit, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek.

 

“I love you” He mumbled quietly, making sure that nobody heard it but Mickey; it was just for him and nobody else. Mickey sighed comfortably, leaning into his rock just a little bit more, placing his hands on top of his, their golden bands resting against each other. It was completely insane to Mickey; less than three years ago, Ian had been thrown back into his life like a fucking boomerang or something - and the truth was that as much as he had been aware of the feelings he had been fighting, he hadn’t had any intention of taking him back. So how the fuck did they end up here? Married in a house full of kids. It was amazing, it truly was, and Mickey would never want to remember every single second or every single thoughts. It was all a haze full of love that had brought them here. Some kind of magic had brought them here.

 

Mickey leaned his neck backwards a little bit onto Ian’s shoulder, cheesily nudging his stubbly chin with his nose, closing his eyes as his entire body relaxed. Ian let his eyes fall closed as well as he leaned his cheek against Mickey’s forehead, his thumb rubbing smooth circles on the back of his hand as they just simply enjoyed each other’s presence for a little bit. Ian’s scent immediately put Mickey completely at ease, just as it always did. Even after years of being back together, he still didn’t quite grasp how he had managed to survive twenty years without him. It was nothing short of insane.

 

“I love you” Ian whispered again, not caring that he had just said it. He loved saying it so much, and he would never stop. He didn’t care that Mickey knew - of course he knew - and he didn’t care that maybe it could be classified as ‘unnecessary ‘. He told his husband that he loved him several times a day, and that amount would never decrease.

 

“So much, baby” Mickey added, pressing a soft and chaste kiss to the underside of Ian’s chin right before he lifted his head off of his shoulder and opened his eyes, straightening up a little bit, the long arms staying wrapped around his body as the rest of their family poured into the kitchen, talking amongst themselves. “Hey” Mickey said as he saw his oldest son walk in; Ian pressed one last kiss to his temple before unwrapping his long arms from around his body, letting him go.

 

“Hey, dad” Yevgeny took the few steps forwards, greeting Mickey with a hug. Mandy and Svetlana abandoned their tasks at hand, walking a little bit closer, excited to have Yevgeny back home once again. Nino had the fabric of Mandy’s shirt clenched inside of his little hand, his soft cheek resting against her collarbone.

 

“Good to have you back, bud” Mickey said as the hug broke, and Yevgeny backed up a few steps, placing a hand on the small of Charlie’s back. He knew how nervous she was to finally be meeting his family after so long - sure, she had said hello over video-chats several times, but he supposed that he could understand why she didn’t feel as if that was the same thing. He knew that she didn’t need to be nervous, though - if anybody should be nervous about this, it was him because it was semi-plausible that one of his siblings would absentmindedly drop a comment about him cheating on her. Not that he had done it since they had been back together, or ever would, but understandably it had taken them quite a while to get back to what they had once been, and the whole cheating thing was still somewhat of a sore subject. To Charlie, of course, but more so to Yevgeny. He fucking hated thinking about all the shit he had put her through.

 

“You guys know Charlie” Yevgeny introduced her even though he really didn’t need to. He looked down at her, a large smile covering his face at the beautiful sight; sometimes he still wondered what the fuck he had done to deserve her forgiveness - or even to deserve her in the first place. She was the most beautiful and amazing woman, inside and out and he didn’t know why the fuck it had taken him such a long time to get his head screwed on right about that fact.

 

Every single member of Yevgeny’s family greeted her warmly with smiles and handshakes - she even got hugs from Ian and Svetlana. Yevgeny kept his hand on her back, though, and he never took his eyes off of her for one single second; he couldn’t. This was all too much of a perfect dream. Charlie was here, they were engaged and she got along with his family. How the fuck could this not be perfect? All of it was.

 

  
***

 

  
Mickey breathed steadily as he looked out over the street, knowing that the daylight would start to disappear any minute now; in fact, the air was already becoming just a little bit grey, starting to bear that ever so slight chill. His hands were cupped around a bottle of his favorite beer, his feet resting on the second step as he sat on the porch, just thinking. It was incredibly strange to him - the past few years had all been, really - he was so at peace with his life and so happy with everyone and everything in it… he had never really had that before. There had always been some kind of dark cloud over him, his entire life - whether it was him being gay, him falling in love with Ian, the whole marriage thing with Svetlana, Ian dumping him, Nina dying, fast forwards to the shooting - his entire life had been a disaster for the most part. That’s not to say that there hadn’t been good elements among those bad things, of course there had been. Yev and the twins for three; but now it was different.

 

Now, it wasn’t good among bad or bad among good. Mickey’s life was just good. Calm, happy and anything that he ever could possibly have wished for. He had no dark cloud to worry about. Granted, he wasn’t even forty five yet, so surely there would be things to worry about in the future; he wasn’t naive enough to believe that this was how the next fifty years of his life was going to be. But instead of being scared and paranoid as he would have been back when he had been younger, Mickey had since long decided to let it go and enjoy it. It sounded cheesy and almost as if it were something off of a bumper sticker or some shit - but it was true.

 

The front door opened behind him, and Mickey turned his head a little bit to the side, right in time to see his son’s jean-clad legs as he sat down next to the older man, a sigh escaping his parted lips. Mickey stayed quiet, his head turned to the side, eyes on the boy as Brian continued staring straight ahead. After two decades, Mickey could immediately tell whenever one of his children needed to talk to him about something, and the individual ways in which they went about it. Brian was quiet, not making eye contact with his dad - he was gathering up the courage. Mickey was patient, keeping his mouth shut as well. The thin, brown and untamed curls were blowing just ever so slightly in the early night breeze, Brian’s eyebrows knitted together into that frown that always seemed to be on his face; sometimes even when he was smiling. Mickey could still remember when he had first held the twin boy in his arms, his little eyebrows had been knitted together even back then, and Mickey had wondered whether he would always do that. The answer was yes, because Brian wasn't even old enough to drink yet, and he had a few quite obvious indents in his forehead from that frown.

 

Brian snatched the beer from his father’s hands, and Mickey didn’t bother taking it away again. Had he been thirteen, he surely would have but he honestly didn’t see a problem with him drinking at his age. Growing up, both Yevgeny and the twins had come home smelling of cheap beer and weed more than once - not so much lately, though. A few times Mickey had confronted them about it, but ultimately, as long as they didn’t go around stabbing people for fun, Mickey thought that he had done a good job. And he had. He would never cease to be amazed at what wonderful people all three of his adult children had turned into.

 

“You and Cole okay?” Mickey asked, gaze focused straight ahead at the street once again, making sure that his son didn’t feel pushed into a corner or anything like that. His forearms were rested onto his thighs, his back tilted a little bit forwards as he waited for an answer; which he got in form of a sigh.

 

“Dear santa, I wish my dad wouldn’t know me so well” Under other circumstances, maybe Brian’s bitter humor would have made Mickey at least smile; but he could hear the slight tinge of pain in his voice despite the fact that he was quite obviously doing his best to cover it up. Today Mickey didn’t smile, he just stayed quiet - because he knew that despite that last remark, Brian needed to talk. He had always been kind of quiet in a way, but he was defiantly one of those people who needed to say things out loud to be able to move on. So his dad stayed completely quiet, just waiting for him to gather up the courage. “I think we broke up” Came the breath.

 

“You think” There was no question mark at the end of Mickey’s words; he just stated it, wondering what exactly had happened. A few months ago, Brian and Cole had been more in love than ever, and frankly Mickey wouldn’t have been surprised if they were one of those rare couples who would make it in the long-run, despite how young they were. He wouldn’t have been surprised if they would have ended up like him and Ian someday - in fact, there were several instances in which he had been able to somehow see them mirrored in the younger couple. That being said - Mickey also wasn’t all that surprised to hear that things weren’t going all that well anymore. From what he had heard long distance was a bitch.

 

“Yeah…” Brian sighed, gaze focused ahead of himself, fingers limply holding onto the bottle of beer in his hands. “It’s um… it’s difficult. I don’t really know what’s right and what’s not anymore” He paused for a beat, a deep sigh escaping his lips. “What do you think?”

 

Mickey gnawed a little bit at the inside of his bottom lip, trying to come up with the right kind of answer. The truth was that he didn’t know what had happened to get them to this place, and he didn’t know what they had between them rather than what he saw, so the only two people who could answer the question of what was right was Cole, and it was Brian. This obvious fact aside, though, Mickey knew that his son needed his help. So he swallowed, and he started talking without thinking all too much.

 

“How do you feel?” It was such a simple question, but from the many cracks and splits in his and Ian’s history, he knew that it mattered. Mickey had never once truly felt as if it was the right thing to do - sure, he might have done his best to convince himself that it was, but he had never ever felt relief or happiness about being broken up with Ian. That’s how he knew that they weren’t meant to be anywhere but in each other’s arms.

 

“It’s sucks, you know?” Brian spoke through a deep exhale, swallowing visibly afterwards, his fingers tightening a little bit around the dark green glass bottle in his hands as he continued staring straight ahead into the street, the night starting to fall over Miami rather quickly. “But… I really feel like it’s the right thing for right now” He admitted, suffering the slight pang of guilt in his chest. “I don’t want to be with him. I don’t really want to be with anyone, I guess”

 

Mickey finally turned his head to look at his son; Brian was still looking straight ahead, presenting the side of his face to his father. Mickey swallowed, continuing to gnaw at the inside of his bottom lip for a beat or two before he opened his mouth again.

 

“Don’t worry about tomorrow, Bri. Do what’s right right now, alright? Look, that is the only way you’re ever gonna be happy in life” Mickey was more than aware of the fact that the words sounded like something off of a bumper sticker, but at that moment he didn’t care. After raising three kids and having so many deep talks with them, he had learned how to say the right thing - that didn’t mean that the right thing wasn’t the truth. He always made sure that it was. After everything with Ian, he supposed that he also had quite a bit of insight into relationships, though he was far from an expert and he would never want to be labeled as one.

 

“Thanks, dad” Brian nodded, turning to look at Mickey, that same frown tattooed into the skin in between his eyebrows. Mickey’s mouth pulled up into somewhat of a soft smile, and he pressed a comforting kiss to his son’s forehead.

 

“I love you, bud”

 

  
***

 

  
“How are you doing, huh?” Mickey whispered in somewhat of a baby voice as he bobbed his son gently up and down in his arms, looking down at his sleepy little face, his heart breaking into a million little pieces at the beauty. Nino’s room was quite dark by now, the only source of light being the moon that was shining in straight through the large window. The baby’s tiny little fist held onto his father’s black wifebeater, tugging at the fabric as he tasted his own tongue, that small, wet and cute sound reaching Mickey’s ears. “Are we sleepy?”

 

Mickey heard a small sound from the doorway, and he turned around slowly, continuing to bob his son up and down in his arms, making sure that he stayed calm and tired. Ian was standing in the doorway, just looking at them with a smile covering his lips. His arms were crossed over his chest, and Mickey could tell that he was just as tired as he was; at one am, they were allowed.

 

“What?” Mickey asked softly, his mouth pulling upwards and mirroring Ian’s as he continued to absentmindedly move his arms up and down in a steady pace, using small movements to make sure that it would have the opposite effect of what he intended it to. Ian shrugged a little bit, a soft sigh escaping his lips as he entered the cozy room, stepping around his husband’s body and leaning his chin on his shoulder. Mickey swallowed, moving his gaze back down to his tiny little son, leaning into the comforting weight behind him.

 

“I just like watching you with him” Ian whispered, placing his right hand softly around Mickey’s waist, using his left one to softly brush a few of the thin red strands off of Nino’s tiny little forehead, just barely touching him. His heart close to exploding with love and affection for the two men - for his entire family, really. Mickey hummed, leaning backwards even a little bit more, the back of his head resting against his husband’s collar bone as they just held each other; basking in the feeling of having their perfect little life together.

 

 _“When you press me to your heart, I’m in a world apart”_ The words were so quiet that Mickey barely recognized them at first. When he did, though, a small smile took over his face, and he leaned even further into his husband’s safe hold, watching the way his son’s tiny hand curled around his forefinger. _“A world where roses bloom”_ Ian continued, growing just a tiny, tiny bit louder. Enough that Mickey could decipher the words without trying. His back was pressed safely against Ian’s front, and with his husband’s husky singing voice pouring into his ear, he had never really felt more at peace in his entire life. _“And when you speak, angels sing from above”_ Ian gently brushed his fingers over Nino’s, watching amazed how his grip tightened a little bit around Mickey’s finger; Ian’s throat welling up just a little bit at how perfect his son looked. So little and so innocent. _“Everyday words seems to turn into love song”_ Ian continued whisper-singing the words, looking down at how Nino’s mouth pulled up into a tiny little smile, his eyes staying closed, safe in his father’s arms. _“Give your heart… to me. And life will always be…”_ Ian sang gently as Mickey closed his eyes, leaning backwards into his husband’s embrace; the ever present butterflies continuing to fly around inside of his heart.

 

_“La vie en rose”_

 

  
***

 

  
Ian’s fingers were securely slipped in between Mickey’s as the couple made their way down the street; for once both of them actually had the day off, and Mandy and Svetlana had agreed to take care of Nino for a few hours, giving the dads the day off from baby-duty as well. The sun was shining down over Miami just the right amount, and Ian couldn’t help but think that it was a completely perfect day.

 

The pad of Mickey’s thumb was rubbing soft and smooth circles on the back of Ian’s hand as they walked side by side, no destination and in no real hurry to get anywhere. Every single inch their very beings were completely at peace; happy.

 

“Hey” The older man suddenly stopped, making his husband turn to him with raised eyebrows as Mickey used his free hand to point to the building behind himself. “You want to grab a coffee?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god. It's over. Completed. Done. Finished. Adios. The end. I honestly can't believe this, I have been writing this fic for over six whole months, this is going to be so fucking strange. I'm so emotional. Thank you to each and every one of you for sticking with me through this journey and I truly hope that you aren't too unhappy with how it all ended up turning out in the end! I love you all so so much! <3
> 
> For those of you who might be interested in what's next, in case anybody missed it, I have a new multi chap up. It's called REHAB, so if any of you want to read that, then head over and leave me some feedback! Other than that, I have several ideas for other fics, I'm not too sure which one I will get started on first, but either way I really hope that at least some of you have enjoyed La Vie En Rose enough to stick with me even though it's over. 
> 
> As always I'm wishing you all a good day! <3


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